We Can Help Each Other
Wow! I am so overwhelmed at the responses to my first post yesterday. Here I was telling y’all that YOU are not alone, all the while hoping that *I* was not alone! Well, I sure did learn my lesson. But here’s the thing. I received so many emails, so many of you sharing your stories and pain, current problems, some even sharing how you are at this moment even thinking of suicide. And my heart just broke for all of you, and I cried for you, for all of us. And I thought, there is only one of me–how am I going to respond to all these people, much less help them?
So here’s the deal, y’all…the only way this is going to work is if we help each other. We share a common bond. We all have bipolar disorder. We may come from different backgrounds, be different ages, live in different states, even have different types of bipolar. But our similarities far surpass all that.
We all know what it’s like to feel alone, to feel “different”, to feel somehow like “damaged goods” or “broken” somehow. To feel like there isn’t a single person out there who knows how we feel, or what we go through…who knows that terror we live with when we cycle into an episode, when our own mind turns against us, and we become our own worst enemy…when we watch our families turn away from us in hurt, in frustration, and sometimes turn away for good, when they just totally give up on us, and we are left alone to face this awful disorder ourselves.
We know what it’s like to go so far down into the recesses of a living hell that suicide seems the only option left for us. And we know the fear of telling someone else, because they might call us crazy and lock us up, and we might never get out again. We know that insecurity of finally meeting someone we might actually be able to have a relationship with, but are scared to tell them we have bipolar disorder, because if they knew, they would become afraid of us, and/or reject us.
We know what it’s like to be afraid of our own selves, our own minds, to not know from one day to the next whether we’ll be happy, or sad, or manic, or depressed, or agitated and hostile, or suicidal or homicidal or crazy or maybe even sane! And even if we feel sane, there is always that question in the back of our minds, how long will it last this time?
We know the struggle with the medication merry-go-round, the struggle with finding the right professional who will stay with us long enough to actually help us on a long term basis, or fighting with insurance companies who arbitrarily cut off funding for our usually expensive medications.
We know what it’s like to wonder what normal is, and if we will ever get there. We feel like we are the misfits of society…that there is no room for us in a “sane” world, that no one understands us, not even our loved ones… we live with our silent thoughts because they are so frightening even to us, much less to share them with our loved ones. We are lost, we are confused, we are alone, we are frightened, we cannot trust ourselves, we live in a world so different than others… and even the best of us, the lucky ones, who have been able to learn methods of coping, who function in society, even have good jobs, or good marriages, or are good parents, or go long periods without episodes, or have a good support system, or have good insurance so they don’t go without their medication, or have a good therapist and a good psychiatrist…those lucky ones that have a relatively normal life…if you were to ask them to be honest…well, you might just find that they still live with the fear that at any time their little house of cards might come crashing down on them and they might find themselves in an episode.
Because we are not one of Jerry’s children. There is no cure for what we have. And what we have can be fatal. Some days it is all we can do just to get out of bed, and that is the best we can do for that day. Some days we think we can run not only our lives, but yours as well! Maybe even the world itself! And we have great ideas. And we are very creative. And we are very outgoing people. But just as quickly we can crash and burn. And again, we wonder, would it be better if I just died? So I ask you, what other disease out there is like the one we suffer from? What antibiotic will cure our infection?
We have one hope. Our hope is each other. The silence must be broken. That’s why this forum has been started. We don’t have to suffer in silence any more, thinking that we are alone, that no one else thinks the crazy thoughts that we do… that if anyone found out we were thinking of killing ourselves, they would lock us up. Here, in this place, we are safe. We can talk about anything. And we will find others who know what we are going through. Maybe even have those very same thoughts! And we can help each other, encourage each other, share our stories with each other, share our pain, share our struggles, our victories, cry with each other, and yes, even laugh with each other. We can know that WE ARE NOT ALONE!
Let’s do this. Let’s make this work. Let’s help each other deal with this thing. That’s why this blog is called Bipolar Survivor. If you are reading this, YOU are a Bipolar Survivor. And every day that you wake up, you are a survivor.
20 comments
Wow! I am so overwhelmed at the responses to my first post yesterday. Here I was telling y’all that YOU are not alone, all the while hoping that *I* was not alone! Well, I sure did learn my lesson. But here’s the thing. I received so many emails, so many of you sharing your stories and pain, current problems, some even sharing how you are at this moment even thinking of suicide. And my heart just broke for all of you, and I cried for you, for all of us. And I thought, there is only one of me–how am I going to respond to all these people, much less help them?
So here’s the deal, y’all…the only way this is going to work is if we help each other. We share a common bond. We all have bipolar disorder. We may come from different backgrounds, be different ages, live in different states, even have different types of bipolar. But our similarities far surpass all that.
We all know what it’s like to feel alone, to feel “different”, to feel somehow like “damaged goods” or “broken” somehow. To feel like there isn’t a single person out there who knows how we feel, or what we go through…who knows that terror we live with when we cycle into an episode, when our own mind turns against us, and we become our own worst enemy…when we watch our families turn away from us in hurt, in frustration, and sometimes turn away for good, when they just totally give up on us, and we are left alone to face this awful disorder ourselves.
We know what it’s like to go so far down into the recesses of a living hell that suicide seems the only option left for us. And we know the fear of telling someone else, because they might call us crazy and lock us up, and we might never get out again. We know that insecurity of finally meeting someone we might actually be able to have a relationship with, but are scared to tell them we have bipolar disorder, because if they knew, they would become afraid of us, and/or reject us.
We know what it’s like to be afraid of our own selves, our own minds, to not know from one day to the next whether we’ll be happy, or sad, or manic, or depressed, or agitated and hostile, or suicidal or homicidal or crazy or maybe even sane! And even if we feel sane, there is always that question in the back of our minds, how long will it last this time?
We know the struggle with the medication merry-go-round, the struggle with finding the right professional who will stay with us long enough to actually help us on a long term basis, or fighting with insurance companies who arbitrarily cut off funding for our usually expensive medications.
We know what it’s like to wonder what normal is, and if we will ever get there. We feel like we are the misfits of society…that there is no room for us in a “sane” world, that no one understands us, not even our loved ones… we live with our silent thoughts because they are so frightening even to us, much less to share them with our loved ones. We are lost, we are confused, we are alone, we are frightened, we cannot trust ourselves, we live in a world so different than others… and even the best of us, the lucky ones, who have been able to learn methods of coping, who function in society, even have good jobs, or good marriages, or are good parents, or go long periods without episodes, or have a good support system, or have good insurance so they don’t go without their medication, or have a good therapist and a good psychiatrist…those lucky ones that have a relatively normal life…if you were to ask them to be honest…well, you might just find that they still live with the fear that at any time their little house of cards might come crashing down on them and they might find themselves in an episode.
Because we are not one of Jerry’s children. There is no cure for what we have. And what we have can be fatal. Some days it is all we can do just to get out of bed, and that is the best we can do for that day. Some days we think we can run not only our lives, but yours as well! Maybe even the world itself! And we have great ideas. And we are very creative. And we are very outgoing people. But just as quickly we can crash and burn. And again, we wonder, would it be better if I just died? So I ask you, what other disease out there is like the one we suffer from? What antibiotic will cure our infection?
We have one hope. Our hope is each other. The silence must be broken. That’s why this forum has been started. We don’t have to suffer in silence any more, thinking that we are alone, that no one else thinks the crazy thoughts that we do… that if anyone found out we were thinking of killing ourselves, they would lock us up. Here, in this place, we are safe. We can talk about anything. And we will find others who know what we are going through. Maybe even have those very same thoughts! And we can help each other, encourage each other, share our stories with each other, share our pain, share our struggles, our victories, cry with each other, and yes, even laugh with each other. We can know that WE ARE NOT ALONE!
Let’s do this. Let’s make this work. Let’s help each other deal with this thing. That’s why this blog is called Bipolar Survivor. If you are reading this, YOU are a Bipolar Survivor. And every day that you wake up, you are a survivor.
About Author
MICHELE SOLOWAY
Michele Soloway shares regularly on the ups and downs of dealing with bipolar disorder, along with personal insights, lessons learned, and encouragement for others who also have bipolar disorder.
That was amazing. I was encouraged just reading it. I am new to all of this but my daughter was just diagnosed with BP in March of 2005. I have bought books and have done internet research to help all of us understand what this is. I was surprised to know that she has probably been BP since birth and that would explain holding her breath and almost passing out with temper tantums with she was only 1 month old. I already had one child at the time so I was not a new mom but the hospital and Dr.s that seen her just said she was strong willed and had a bad temper. Since she was diagnosed we have been playing a game of find that right meds but it was nice to finally find out what was going on all of these years. She is my sunshine most of the time but man can she change on a heartbeat. Thanks for writing. Keep up the good work. God will bless you for the good that you are doing.
My son has had a bipolar illness since he turned 17, and he is now 32 years old. I am proud of him for being so courageous in his fight to stay well. Thank you very much for sharing your story with us.
I need help as far as what type of medicine is good for not only bipolar disorder, but also schizoaffective disorder, which is a combination of bipolar and schizophrenia. I would like to know which medicines are good and which are not so good. And I know that it depends on the individual, but i would love to get some feedback from people about respirdol, for example, (which from my experience, it’s no good) another one is abilify…I haven’t tried lithium yet, but I am thinking about it. And as far as the antidepressants, I am familiar with prozac, lexapro, and celexa. There’s also a medicine called siroquel, but I never really gave that one a chance….So basically, I want to stop playin merri-go-round with medicines. It’s been a year and a half already, and I feel so frustrated.
Michele,
Thank you so much for your encouraging words. That I am not alone.
I recently have went through or am still going through burn out at my former job and apparently because of that it has produced bi-polar symptoms. I have always been on the depressive side but have always been able to pull out of fairly quickly this time there was no reserve and I basically calapsed out of pure emotional exhaustion. I tend to take care every one else except me. I seem to forget that part and before I know it here I am. I am obviously having self esteem issues big time.
I thought I was through with all that I have already been through 10 years of therapy.
Any way that is all for now. Thanking you in advance for your supportive words.
Maggie Catlin
I am new to this site, and am hoping that by reading and corresponding with others who have BP, that I will be more able to deal with my disease. I am looking forward to future comments.
My partner was diagnosed with BP just last May. She lives 1200 miles from me and she was in a psychotic episode, and her brothers called me and asked me to help. I gave the mental health people where she lives the information I had, and with what her brothers had, she was put in the hospital for two weeks.
At first, she called me everyday, but when I told her that I gave some of the information that put her there, she got really angry with me and broke up with me.
My question is this. I love her and she was to move down here this month. I have not heard one word since she broke up with me. What can I still do to help her, and how can I show her that I did not betray her as she thinks?
My partner was diagnosed with BP just last May. We live 1200 miles apart. She was in a psychotic episode and her brothers called me and asked me to help.
I gave them the information I had, and with what they had she was put in the hospital for two weeks.
At first, she called me every day, but when I told her that some of the information that put her where she was, came from me, she thought I had betrayed her, and broke up with me.
I love her very much. She was to move down here this month. Now I have had no word since she broke up with me.
My question is this: How can I still help her, and how can I show her how much I love her and that I didn’t betray her as she thinks?
Shanendoa–
I understand how you feel about the medication merry-go-round. I went thru it for 2 yrs, so I know how frustrating it can be. I commend you for your tenacity, having kept up for the past year and a half. Don’t give up, tho–your answer may be right around the corner! I also have the diagnosis of schizoaffective disorder, for which I take Seroquel, one of the drugs you were asking about. I am not a doctor, so I cannot say how it would work for you. I can only tell you that it has been a miracle drug for me, and kept me stable for 2 yrs. both with the BP and the hallucinations, etc. I am also familiar with the antidepressants you named, having tried them all. I am now on Wellbutrin and Cymbalta, and they are working well together for me. I take Topamax for the bipolar. I have been on Lithium in the past. My son took Abilify for his BP. The main thing you need to consider, though, is that medication is as individual as the patient. What works for me may not work for you, and vice versa. Work with your psychiatrist to find what works best for you. If one med doesn’t work, try another. Don’t give up–I kept trying for 2 yrs before I found the right mix for me. You can do it too! Research your medications on the internet so you can discuss them intelligently with your doctor. WebMD is a great site to go to.
Even though I do not at this present time struggle with the thought of suicide; I am struggling going through college, raising 4 children and having any kind of ordinary life. I was fortunate to find a husband who understands my illness because he has worked with people who have mental illnesses. I do have some major issues with depression and have been through some bad relationships because of my disorder. It makes me feel much better to know that others out there have the same problems that I do and know how I feel. I have a friend in college who is bipolar and we are kind of supporting each other to finish college. A support system of any kind is definitly a key to not getting depressed. I have both bipolar and Borderline Personality Disorder. That’s like a double whammy. I wish you the best of luck and all those people who have bipolar, hang in there.
Oh my! Somewhere to go where others may be able to relate to what goes on in my familys life. I am not BP myself but my son, who is 19 is. Was diagnosed when he was 7. Let me tell you, it has been a ride! Does anyone out there know what it feels like to wake up everyday and wonder if your son will still be alive. Does anyone know what it is like to know that your son feels like he does and to know that he needs help, but he is over the age of 18 and can make choices for himself. I know in my heart, that if this kid does not get the help he needs he will be dead soon. It is just killing me slowly everyday to watch and feel helpless. Every phone call I make I run into the same wall. He has to be willing. He has turned to drugs to try and escape the feelings he has. It has made it 20 times worse. You tell me he is able to make good choices for himself when he has taken a handful of pills so he doesnt have to feel the way he does anymore.Such a wonderful, funny, creative young man when he is himself. But so destructive when he is not. And you never know when he is going to switch. I can tell story after story. But what i realy want is help. Help for my son and my family. He is dying inside and he is taking me with him. Any suggestion welcome.
scarlet
Hi, everyone. This is Michele’s son, Tyler. I’m not sure if she’s mentioned this on here, but I am 15 years old and have BPD as well. I’m the one who coded in her little audio message for her…so proud of myself :). Anyway, I wanted to post on here in response to the question posed by shanendoa about Abilify. Well, I’m currently on Seroquel, which works quite well, but at one point I was on Abilify. In my experience, it worked very well. That is, until my system built up a tolerance to it and I had to go back to Seroquel. Anyway, back to my main point. If your psych is wanting to put you on Abilify, I would reccomend doing it on a temporary basis. After all, what works wonders for one person can be hell for another.
— Tyler
Dawn has broken & bought with it a precious new day of hope but because of my insidious self medication,I slept through an important appointment I have *@!#ed up again best be off to buy another ticket on the Merry go round think i’ll get a Multi -rider will save me getting off to get another.
Michelle in Hebrew means likeness to God.My real name is Michelle,but my God is so tired & fed up with the Merry go round.
Scarlet I no how you must feel for your son Chick,cause if this Gypsy Chick doesn’t get some help she’s not going to make it either.
“You make the Rules In your Kingdom,in your Kingdom you are the Goddess of all Creations”
It is better to light one candle than to curse the The darkness.Shit lost my matches again.
By:Gypsy Soul
Blessed Be
Thank you Michele and Thank you Tyler for your feedback. Actually, it’s my daughter who has the disorder, not myself. I’m sorry that I didn’t include that. It was my first time typing a blog on a site like this, and I felt kinda weird. It’s hard admitting that I have a child that has a disorder. I am still not used to it. She is 13 years old now, soon to be 14 in a few months. I think the abilify is starting not to work anymore, because I see a difference, like as if she’s hyper and irritable. Her father isn’t able to observe the things that I do about her for some reason. I notice every change in her. I remember when she was first put on risperdol. I HATED what that did to her. All it accomplished for her was a TON of weight gain. She went from a size 7 to a size 17 in a short amount of time. Since I was new to this, I was just trying to trust in the doctors, but I had a strong feeling that it wasn’t working, and i told them that it was causing her to hallucinate….but all they did was recommend varying doses of risperdol. Well, I tried all the different doses and all the different ways to give that medicine to her, but nothing worked. So finally, this one doctor suggested abilify, and it was working for about 7 months. As she was taking the abilify, she was also taking celexa, but that wasn’t as strong as prozac. So maybe it’s that prozac doesn’t mix well with abilify. Anyway, she is scheduled to see her doctor this Thursday (tomorrow) and I don’t know what the outcome will be. I suggested lithium to the doctor, because I saw this lady on the jane pauley show who was taking that, but she has bipolar II. I basically want my daughter to be back to normal, the way she was before any of this stuff happened. All her life she was fine, until a few months after she turned 12. Everything went haywire, then. It was a nightmare. I wasn’t ready for it. Unfortunately, her breakdown occurred right in her school cafeteria, for all to see. Her father has a form of BPD, as well as his sisters and a couple of his nephews, but I was just thinking that as long as we give her all the love and care that she needs to grow mentally healthy, then what happened to her father was not going to happen to her. But I was so mistaken. It had nothing to do with that. He had a breakdown when he was about 18 or 19 over this girl that he really liked as a girlfriend, but she didn’t want to be with him in that way. And i was also thinking that if our daughter had the love and care that we gave her, it would give her enough confidence that if a guy didn’t like her like a boyfriend, she would be fine. Well, I don’t want to go on and on about this, so when I take my daughter to see her doctor tomorrow, i will mention the medicines that you have mentioned and see what the doctor has to say about them. I heard that lithium curbs the appetite. I was thinking about joining some type of support group, but I feel like I don’t have the time. This right here will be my support group, and I thank you two so much for responding so fast to my blog. It really means a lot to me. The people in my neighborhood have no clue of what a parent like me goes through. and the so-called friends that my daughter had before she got this condition are no longer her friends. I think it’s because she gained all that weight. They are so superficial. They were her friends ever since kindergarten, came to all her birthday parties, and now they avoid her like the plague. That really hurts me a lot. I cried about it a few times, and it hurt my daughter as well. (part of me thinks I took it harder, though) You never know who your true friends are until you go through some type of crisis. Also, because of all the weight gain, she doesn’t look her age at all. She is just 13, but she looks more like 17. By the way, I am thankful for this one friend that she has. She knows about my daughter’s condition, but it doesn’t matter to her. Unfortunately, she’s going to be moving soon, so then my daughter is not going to really have any friends. The thing is, before any of this happened, she was a very sociable person, with a bunch of friends to hang out with. As for myself, I don’t know what that’s like because my mom was so overprotective that I wasn’t allowed to go out at all. So, for my daughter to go from a bunch of friends and a social life to no social life and pratcially no friends, it’s a very hard adjustment for her. She feels like she is in hiding, and the thing is, she is still the same great person. In the beginning it was rough because of all the hallucinations that the risperdol was causing, but once she took abilify, she was pretty much back to normal (85%). So, I don’t get it, but today is a new day and I feel stronger today than I did yesterday. I had a bit of a setback because i was trying to wean my daughter off of abilify, but it didn’t work. I did the skip a day method. I would skip one day then give it to her, and then after a week and a half of that, i would skip two days and so on. But when i was up to skipping three days in between, there was a problem. I wasn’t prepared for that. one morning, when i was trying to wake her up, she became a different person. She was acting like a scared little girl, and was thinking very negative, saying that everything is poison…medicine was poison, food was poison, i was poison…and i was not able to handle it…but when she finally came out of that state of mind, she was upset because she didn’t remember anything that occurred during the time she was acting like that. (it lasted for approximately a half an hour) So then, i stopped the weaning off cycle for now. She was originally on 15mg, and now i am just giving her 10. I am just a bit nervous about what the next step will be and what will the next medication or medications will be. Okay, I am done for now. Thanks again. I know that this site will continue to help me out. It is the first of its kind for me, and it is a great outlet.
Shanendoa–
Just wanted to tell you that Stacy has her own blog on here as well, sharing in her journal the ups and downs of being the parent of a child with bipolar. You might want to visit her. She may have more insight for you as well.
I want to thank you for being here.
I was diagnosed with major depression about 8 years ago. Have been on every medication out there to treat depression (as well as bipolar)…
This past year, I experienced what I thought was a miraculous recovery. I thought ‘I’m finally out of the hell’. When my doctor had suspects that I was getting manicy, I pleaded with him to not press that issue; and, to please let me feel good for once. It was a feeling that I had never experienced before –like NIGHT and DAY. I went on to act very irresponsibly; and it lasted for six months.
Now, I’ve been back in this depressive state for eight months back on the merry (not so merry)-go-round of medications. I try to believe that there will be an end –that SOMEday I will feel better. But, other thoughts overcome/suffucate and take over me like a tidal wave!
I hope this blog is helpful to everyone here. I know I sure need it.
I have an issue that’s been weighing on me very heavily…. and would like to post it, but, I don’t know how. I didn’t want to do it on this ‘thread’ –or is that the only way to do it???????
Thanks again,
love and peace to all
How can I get my Dr to help me? I feel like I’m being fobbed off!
Cat, I recently changed psych doctors because mine kept making appointments with me and then not showing up! He also waited for three weeks when I called and told him that I was in the beginning stage of mania. I called my insurance company and they found me another doc that day. Keep your head up and be persistant. It is your life. You ultimately have to be a pain in the rear-end sometimes in order to be heard. We are a very special minority group. As you may have noticed minority groups generally have to fight for basic human courtesy – this unfortunatly is no differnt. I wish you the best.
Sandi
Sandi, I think you must be in USA because In Britain we don’t go to our insurance companies for a new Dr.maybe it would be easier if we could?! Any ideas how else I can get futher Help please?
Cat, I am sorry that I didn’t respond to you sooner. I was dealing with a lot of mess and was not functioning well. I didn’t even post on my own blog for 20 days… As far as advice, I would say that you might be able to do an internet search for local psych doctors in your area. Additionally, you might call the Medical Review board and ask for referrals. Sometimes calling a support group for any of the 12 step programs might help. I am not sure what the process is in the UK.
Sandi
I was diagnosed BP about a year ago and I am currently on Lamictal. I was on abilify for about 6 months but it made my hair fall out. My biggest problem is that I don’t have any emotions. I am neither happy nor sad. The best way I can discribe it is I feel flat. I just go thru my day to day life with little or no emotions. This is a huge change from who I was a year and a half ago. My husband has stated on numerous occations that I am not the same person. And I agree, the medication doesn’t allow me to be. I want my old life back. I want to be that happy go lucky person again. Please don’t misunderstand me I in no way want to hurt myself or end my life. I just want to FEEL again.
Recently I got a promotion at work. You wouldn’t know it I don’t even talk about it. I don’t feel excited about it. I got a promotion big deal. No excitment. On the other end my mom has suffered a stroke and had brain surgery to remove a blood clot. She is still in a coma. I don’t feel sad about it. I don’t feel anything anymore. No saddness no happiness. I guess what I am getting at is there any way out of this? Or am I to live my life out emotionless due to medication?