Opening Post

Gradual Acceptance

Well, it’s been over a month since my mom died, and I’m reaching a gradual acceptance of the loss.

I guess it helps that for over a year she really hadn’t been my “mom,” but an elderly lady with dementia, who I called every day, but with whom I didn’t really have a conversation. Meaning that she talked and I merely listened.

It certainly wasn’t like the “old days,” where I shared everything with her – all my hopes, dreams, and wishes… all my sacred thoughts and feelings.

That’s what I really missed. Those were the things I could no longer share with her, because that would have been like sharing them with a stranger, a stranger who I did not trust.

Don’t get me wrong, she was a very nice stranger, but a stranger nonetheless.

I really miss my mom. Gosh, how I miss her. There is such a gap where she used to be. You would think I would be used to it since, as I just shared, the “real” her was gone for over a year, but still… I do so miss her.

I would miss calling her every day, at least the routine of it, but now I call my dad every day and talk to him.

He is handling the loss very well, I think. He seems to be doing good, in spite of the fact that he has just lost his wife of 61 years.

But, as he explains it, for the last two years he has been more of a caretaker than a husband to her, and he sure doesn’t miss that.

But, as we both share with each other, what we miss is the good times. When Mom was herself, when she was at her best.

I think of her at the oddest of times…

Like the other day, I was thinking of how I had bitten my nails unconsciously, and now the nails on my left hand were short enough that I could play my guitar again if I wanted to.

And that made me recall the last time I played it – with my mom, together. All the old songs we used to play. And how that was such an intimate time. Such a close time.

I even talked about it at the funeral when I spoke about my memories of her. God, it hurts that I’ll never be able to experience that again.

But, as they say, life does go on. And I am going on without my mom. I had already begun developing a close relationship with my mother-in-law, who lives here in TN, but now our relationship is even closer, as she has become a “replacement Mom” for me.

I mean, she will never be Mom. There was only one Mom. But she can help with the loss I’m feeling since Mom died.

So I am reaching a gradual acceptance of the loss of my mother. And things will get better with time. They did after my sister died.

Wishing you joy and stability,

Remember God loves you and so do I,

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