Opening Post

Facing Mortality

April 15th was the anniversary of my sister’s death. She killed herself 13 years ago. Gosh, I can’t believe it’s actually been that long. In a way, it feels like it was just yesterday.

I still feel the pain so acutely. And I miss her so very much, every single day.

She was behind me through all the bad times; it’s just such a shame that she can’t see me now, now that I’m doing so well and am so happy with my life.

She never even met Bill (my husband), because we got together the year she died. I hate that. She really would have loved him. And I know he would have loved her too.

I hate this bipolar disorder that robbed my sister of her life. If it weren’t for the disorder, I truly believe she would still be alive. She was in an episode when she killed herself.

Meantime, life goes on…

Dad is having worse problems breathing, but that isn’t the worst of it.

I think he is really struggling. I know he misses Mom really bad, and I think he is really lonely. I mean, they had just celebrated 61 years of marriage, after all. When you’re with someone that long, it has to be awful to just not have them anymore.

He is facing his own mortality now, I think. He’s trying to take care of all the “last minute” things he can take care of while he is still living, so we (my brothers and I) won’t have to take care of them after he dies. And he thinks he can go any time now, because his breathing has been so bad lately because of the emphysema.

So he’s wanting to title his car over to me (in TN) but still drive it till he dies (in FL). I don’t know how that’s gonna work out, but we’ll see when he sends the title. I’ll have to go to the DMV and ask questions. We’ll just have to see what happens with that. We’ll have to fly down to FL after he dies and drive the car back to TN to actually get the car, though. So complicated!

He’s also been trying to sell what furniture and belongings he can, so he’s been having estate sales and having auction people come to the condo. Problem is, he’s had 5 auction people come and they’ve all turned him down flat, saying they just wouldn’t be able to sell ANY of his stuff!

He’s got mostly oriental things, and they say that nobody is interested in that kind of stuff anymore. And he’s had 2 estate sales, and nobody’s bought anything, either. So he doesn’t know what to do. It’s a shame, cuz he’s got some really nice stuff. I don’t know, maybe he’s just pricing everything too high.

It’s hard for him, too, just kind of “waiting to die.” He talks about how both his parents, his daughter, and now his wife, have all gone before him. Now he’s just waiting to go. It’s really sad.

I call him every day and talk to him, and try to keep him thinking positive, but it’s hard. I try to keep him focused on other things than his emphysema or his dying, but geez! It seems like that’s all he thinks about.

I wish there was more going on in my life that I could talk about to distract him, but truth be told, my life is actually kind of boring to talk about – nothing really happens. I like it that way, because it keeps stress to a minimum, but it doesn’t give me much to talk to him about when I call.

Well, here’s to staying positive no matter what. Sometimes hard to do, but always the way to go.

Wishing you joy and stability,

Remember God loves you and so do I,

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