“What’s Good About Bipolar?”
by Michele Soloway
Okay, calm down! Just like the rest of you, my first instinct was to scream at David, “There’s absolutely nothing good about having bipolar disorder (BP);” and, of course, to tell him he was crazy to even think there is! However, in reading your posts, and considering my own experiences growing up with a mom who had BP, having BP myself, and being mom to a teen with BP, I believe there is something good to be said about it, after all.
First of all, let me tell you, if my doctor were to take me into a room, place me before a row of diagnoses, and ask me to choose one for myself, I definitely would not choose bipolar disorder. Would you? But no one gave us a choice, did they? And no one gave our children or family member a choice, either.
Heredity issue aside, we need to establish that we did not bring this upon ourselves. It is not our “fault.” However, neither are we “victims,” any more than a person with diabetes or high blood pressure is a victim, and thinking of ourselves with a “victim mentality” is neither healthy nor productive. If we are to find anything good at all in having BP, we first have to have a positive attitude, which I will talk about more in a little while.
All that having been said, let’s go on to the “good” stuff.
How about doing a Letterman’s Top 10 List?
THE TOP TEN GOOD THINGS TO BE SAID ABOUT BIPOLAR DISORDER:
Number 10… (drum roll)…
IT IS NOT TRI-POLAR DISORDER.
Number 9… (drum roll)…
IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH THE BEARS ON THE NORTH POLE.
Number 8… (drum roll)…
YOU DON’T HAVE TO KEEP YOUR POLES CLEAN (IN ORDER) FOR COMPANY.
Number 7… (drum roll)…
YOU CAN DO DESE TINGS IN DIS ORDER.
Number 6… (drum roll)…
HAVING BIPOLAR HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH YOUR SEXUALITY.
Number 5… (drum roll)…
IT IS NOT CONTAGIOUS (WELL, AT LEAST NOT BY SNEEZING ON SOMEONE, ANYWAY – BUT YOU COULD ALWAYS MIND-MELD THEM LIKE SPOCK).
Number 4… (drum roll)…
YOU GET THE PART OF BOTH DR. JECKYL AND MR. HYDE IN EVERY SCHOOL PLAY.
Number 3… (drum roll)… (aren’t you getting sick of these drum rolls? How about a drum biscuit for a change?)
YOU GET TO GO SHOPPING! A LOT. A REAL LOT. A REAL, REAL LOT.
Number 2… (drum roll)…
SOMETIMES YOU GET TO GO UP AND DOWN (AND UP AND DOWN AND UP AND DOWN) SEVERAL TIMES A DAY, WEEK, MONTH, OR YEAR (take your pick) LIKE RIDING ON THE FERRIS WHEEL AT THE PARK, ONLY FREE!
And… Numero Uno… (drum roll)…
ON SPECIAL OCCASIONS YOU EVEN GET TO VISIT THE SANITY HOTEL, ALL EXPENSES PAID!
Well, hopefully, you at least have a smile on your face by now. Either that, or you are steaming mad at me for making light of a very serious subject. Which is exactly my point. I do have BP, and I very well know how serious it is. But one of the biggest lessons I have learned is that I must keep things in perspective, take everything with a grain of salt, and have a sense of humor. Because many times, if we don’t laugh, we will cry.
Even the Bible says, “Laughter does good like a medicine.” I know that in my worst depressive cycles, when someone made me laugh, it was like a ray of sunshine sneaking in, however brief. I’m not saying to laugh all the time, or pretend that things are peachy keen, when they aren’t. We do have to be honest about how we are feeling in order to self-regulate our moods (inasmuch as we are able), but we can learn to be a little more light-hearted; not to take everything so seriously. Since adopting a more positive attitude, I was episode-free for two whole years, and I even became healthier physically, all because my stress level was reduced.
So the best thing to be said about having BP is this: BP it is not curable, but it is controllable; and although medication and cognitive therapy are considered essential for ongoing management of the disorder, a positive attitude is just as essential.
About Author
MICHELE SOLOWAY
Michele Soloway shares regularly on the ups and downs of dealing with bipolar disorder, along with personal insights, lessons learned, and encouragement for others who also have bipolar disorder.
Michele, I am a mother of a bipolar daughter (15 yrs old), a son that has been diagnosed as ADD (11 yrs old), and another son that I am almost positive will be diagnosed as ADHD (5 yrs old) but is to young for anyone to actually try to diagnose. My ex-husband is bi-polar (but will not admit to it nor will he do anything about it) and thru one of his manic states molested my daughter. I am now remarried and my husband is bi-polar (I bet there are a few of you asking WHY I would want to get into another relationship with someone bi-polar!!!! Well, I love my husband very much, he is aware of his diagnosis and works on his moods, he talks to me, he lets me try to help work thru the tough spots, and he is an absolutely wonderful man – you cant help who you fall in love with, but you can learn more about his diagnosis by research). I would not trade my children or husband for anything. I do wish they did not have to suffer from the “illness” for lack of a better word but we also have good times. . . . . and a lot of laughs. . . . . They tease each other occasionally about it, like when someone changes subjects in the middle of a sentence (that happens alot around my house!) and I feel and see that humor, love, patience, and caring DOES help each and everyone, including me and I am not even depressed . . . . .
Kay
I am married to a man with bipolar. It has not been easy. I feel hurt and taken advantage. I feel that our relationship is all take (on his part) and all give (on mine.) How do I know what personality traits I can attribute to his bipolar disorder, and what traits are just him?
Michele, I read the top ten list out loud to my husband and he cracked up. I just responded to another persons blog and actually used the term Tri-Polar so I did laugh out loud at that. Comic relief is just that … relief. My blog is about Bi-polar also… It’s called: Mybipolarfriends –
Please visit if you are so inclined.
For those who are reading, you may not have read the other post where I introduced myself. I’m Michele’s son, Tyler. I don’t mean to kind of ‘take over’ mom’s blog, but I kinda feel inclined to post on a few of these things. In this case, I’d like to respond to Kay from the “child’s” point-of-view. I am bipolar, and I have ADHD as well. Though I do not find my condition to be as serious as my mom’s, there are some major similarities between us and our disorders. For instance, changing the subject in the middle of the sentence, as Kay was talking about. That happens a lot around here, as well. Anyway, what I was wanting to respond to was Kay’s comment about her 5-year-old son. I was diagnosed with ADHD at age 12 (or 13, memory seems to have bid me adieu), and even at that age, we were told that I was very young to be diagnosed. However, when my parents brought this up to the psychiatrist, he stated the fact that, though they used to sort-of refrain from diagnosing at that young of an age, it was becoming more common. If you were to take your son to a psychiatrist for diagnosis, I think they would write it off as nothing more than the endless amounts of energy and short attention-span that young children have. As for your daughter’s having bipolar, I may be able to offer advice from her point-of-view. Though from a little different of a perspective, I know a lot about the ‘moods’ we get in as bipolar teens. If you’d like to know anything that perhaps you don’t already, I’m never far away from my mom, and she’s never far away from here!
–Tyler
I am in love with rick, who is a 43 year old single father with rapid cycling bipolar disorder. I wanted to say that no-matter the problems, if someone truley loves you and cares for you, they will make it through the manic phase’s. If your loved one was diagnosed with cancer or another disorder that could cause problems or death you wouldnt just abandond them would you? everyday is one day at a time. Love and understanding is needed to cope. If you are dating someone with bipolar disorder you should study it! even if the person you are involved with does not show the signs or symptoms that you read about it is important to expect the unexpected that way you will know how to deal with it when and if it occurs. be strong because there may be times when they will push you away and maybe even seek another. understand that this too is a symptom that you should be prepared to deal with. I would be more than happy to share with anyone out there who is married or dating someone with this disorder and if you are thinking of dating someone with it please consider them not their disorder. people with bipoar are still very loving charming and beautiful people and someone on their meds may go months or even years without a problem, Do unto others as you would have done unto you!
Well Yes !!!
I should practice what I preach. I continously tell people dont loose your sense of Humour or Ya Matches.
Kay & Tyler I like the way you just validated something for me,wish you where both Doctors in Western Australia.
Tyler do you take Medication for both? And if so how does it make you feel?
I’m 36 Years Old & have to Daughters aged 9 & 4,I’m worried if I take medication I wont be able to function properly,not that I’m doing so great at the moment.
And when I tell a GP that I have PTSD as well as my self medication because I’m honest they dimiss it entirely & wont give me a referal. A Psychologist refered me to a GP who sent me away,then i rang Her back today & asked if She could or the one i was suposed to see today would give Me one,but I have to go through a GP because of Medicare Bullshit in Australia.They no I need & want help & I’m gettin to tired & feed up to go on with the crap.I told my neighbour before who is also(how ironic)Bipolar that last night I came the closest I’ve ever come to killing myself without a thought for my Little Chicks well being.
By: Gypsy Soul
Blessed Be !
my granddaughter age 9 has bipolar and alot of kids in school,,,make fun of her,,,alot of teachers don’t understand,,,i have told her that she has to teach them
sandi–
You might want to check out Stacy’s blog on here–she writes a journal of her ups and downs as the mother of a child with bipolar. She might be able to have some insight or advice for you.
As Carol said, I am also married to am man just diagnosed with Bipolar and could really relate to the all give comment. I am interested in reading Michele’s article on bipolar-eposide one. Could Michele or someone tell me how to find this information
Thank you
Carol, my wife was diagnosed twenty-four years ago this month. In our case, my wife has no personality traits of her own left. Turning in to a stranger, totally devoted to herself, started about ten years ago, and has gotten progressively worse every year since. I don’t know how long you have been living with the illness, but trust me when I say, it ain’t ever going to get better than it is now. The more time that passes, the less of him that will be there, and the more he’ll want from you. On that upbeat and positive note, good luck! You’ve probably noticed a little of the old you slipping away to. That won’t change for the better either. Do I sound angry, depressed, tired, fed up, overwhelmed, …………. That’s ’cause I am. Thanks for listening. The medical community doesn’t have a clue!
Peter, you do sound angry, and I can totally understand that. I have only been married a year and a half (2nd marriages for both of us), but I didn’t even know he had bipolar until after we lived together. He hid it from me very well when we were courting, and now I find that everything I fell in love with no longer exists. I feel very resentful. The first year we were together was a nightmare, and the only reasons I stuck it out were because of finances and also because two of my kids and one of his came with us, and I couldn’t bear the thought of making them move yet again. Now my husband is receiving counselling and is on medication. We also go to group counselling each Wednesday night for the family members. These things have helped, but not fixed the problem. He still is not an easy man to live with, and I find myself feeling very lonely in this marriage. And it breaks my heart that I am 50 years old and in another unhappy marriage. Thanks for your response, as disheartening as it is.
Hi Carol:
Hope you are well today. I am sorry about the disheartening message I left, but during my 24 years dealing with my wife’s illness, I have found that no one ever gave me the true, bare, down and dirty facts about what she and I would be facing. I apoligise if I am being presumptuous. However I have yet to find a doctor or a counselor that has lived with a spouse that has the illness. They mean well (although often times I question that), but they just do not get it. I’ve given up on counselors for myself. They smiled a lot, talked about relaxation techniques and asked how I was feeling. (The fact that I was talking to a counselor would in itself seem to indicate that I wasn’t feeling too well. But, what do I know?) Also, I find myself telling the doctors what meds she needs, when she needs them, and how much she needs depending on the circumstances of a given day. What concerns me about that is that they invariably agree with me! I’m an engineer. Her present doctor told me that I was looking at treating the illness mathematically and not medically. I politely told her that my math appeared to be working far better than her medicine. She didn’t disagree.
I guess the point of this rant is that, if you are going to survive, and you must survive in order to help your husband survive, you must be totally aware of what is going on at all times – at home, at the doctor’s, at counselling, et al. Do not be tentative about questioning EVERYONE and EVERYTHING. It’s not easy, it’s a lot of work, and you will get very, very tired. I find being alone and lonely a very rewarding experience after a long week.
I certainly hope that your husband responds to treatment. But again, you need to be vigilant and above all, take care of your self first. Have a good weekend, and thanks again for listening. And the medical community still doesn’t have a clue.
Hi Peter, me again. I find your openness and honesty refreshing. And in spite of you thinking you’re ranting, some of what you say brings a smile to my face. I had to fight for a long time to get my husband to allow me to talk to his doctors, because of course they wouldn’t talk to me without his permission. The meds he’s on now (there are three of them!) have done away with the temper tantrums and angry outbursts. Now he just seems down a lot, and looks sullen and angry even when he’s not. And the worst of it is that he won’t let me tell anyone about his illness, so often they just think he’s a rude, antisocial a-hole. This is certainly not the life I imagined myself having if I ever re-married. Peter, I’m curious to know why you stay. Do you still love your wife? Are there some good times? Forgive me if these questions are too personal, and I won’t be offended if you tell me to mind my own business. And along that note, I’m going to ask something else very personal, and I invite anyone who reads this to respond to me as well. My question is, what about sex? My husband has lost all and any interest. I still have to fight feeling rejected and keep telling myself that it’s not me, it’s him. He tells me that too. But the bottom line is that I wasn’t ready to begin a celibate life, and I’m wondering if this is common to people with bipolar disorder. I haven’t seen sex (or lack of)mentioned anywhere that I’ve read yet.
Peter, thanks again for responding. There is some comfort in knowing that I’m not the only one, as selfish as that sounds. I hope to hear more from you. If you (or anyone) would like to respond in a more private manner, feel free to email me at carol.thomas@rogers.com.
Hi Carol:
Only three meds? My wife is on five different meds now. At one time she was on eight, and took 28 pills a day. (Good news is now she has room for food intake. Bad news is that all those pills were low fat/low carb, and the food isn’t)
Do I still love my wife? That is a very profound question. The short answer is I still love the girl I married 35 years ago. Is she the same girl? No she isn’t. But I believe that the things about her that brought me to love her are still in there, somewhere, and every so often I find one or two. I think of the illness as a “beast”, a separate and distinct entity. I cannot beat it. That I know. So the best I can do is make it believe that it can’t beat me. Just think how much I’ve annoyed that s.o.b. in the last 24 years. (Having just said that, maybe I should re-consider therapy………….NOT)
I stay for a number of reasons. I care about her, I made a committment to her when we were married, I’m stubborn as hell and leaving at this point won’t make any positive overall difference. She’d still be sick and she’d always be able to track me down to help her. So instead of just going in to the next room, I’d have to drive to somewhere. Staying put presents the path of least resistance.
There was a program on the Discovery channel last week that, despite popular belief, sex begins and ends in the brain. It was very informative. If the brain chemistry isn’t right, no sex. Quite frankly I’m more interested in cars, boats, fishing, football, tv and sleeping anyway. An increase in libido for a bi-polar usually means an increase in mania. Been there, done that. Prefer not doing it again.
And you’re right, it’s not you.
All in all, I guess I’m pretty lucky in the sense that I’ve made all the decisions that are in my control to make. I think they are the right ones for us today…..tomorrow I’ll figure out tomorrow.
Oh, almost forgot, did I mention that the medical community doesn’t have a clue?