Ever have these emotions with bipolar disorder?
=>PLEASE FORWARD TO FRIENDS, FAMILY AND LOVED ONES <=
Hi,
How's it going?
Hope you are doing well.
Yesterday my blog was broken.
For some reason, every now and then
it just breaks down. Sorry if
you were trying to read or post on it.
It's back up now.
Hey guess what?
I am actually going to a meeting
in New York City today.
Before I leave, I want to talk about bipolar
disorder and negative emotions,
which might surprise you, since I'm
always so positive.
But there is a negative side to
bipolar disorder, as you know.
But if I do talk about the negative
side, you know I must have a
positive side to go with it, so just
bear with me and we'll get to that.
Let's take a look at the negative
emotions first, some of the
emotions you've felt, whether
you are a survivor or a supporter:
anger, fear, guilt, hopelessness,
helplessness, resentment, sad,
cheated, worried, frightened,
and many other negative emotions
these are just a few that come
to mind.
If you are a supporter, then let's
just be honest. I'm sure you are
feeling now, or felt in the
beginning, "I didn't sign up for
this," or something like that,
unless you knew from the
beginning that your loved one
had bipolar disorder.
If you have bipolar disorder, you
may even be feeling the same
way. You may be feeling just as
confused as your supporter that
you are feeling such negative
emotions.
Does it help to know that these
are just NORMAL?
Maintaining any relationship is
difficult in itself without adding
bipolar disorder to the mix, and
then even more so by adding all
the negative emotions to it.
For supporters, it's almost worse
than for the survivor. You didn't
ask for this. You may be thinking,
"This is not MY illness," and yet
you must live with it day after
day.
The emotions this thing
stirs up can be horrendous.
Yet, as a good supporter, you
have to keep these emotions
inside of you.
Keeping all this stuffed inside
can build up and make things
worse with your loved one,
because unless you talk to them,
they have no idea how you are
feeling. And if they don't know,
they can't do anything about it.
In my courses/systems, I talk
about how to communicate
with your loved one and go
into things you should say
and not to say, both when they
are in an episode and when they
aren't:
SUPPORTING AN ADULT WITH BIPOLAR DISORDER?
Visit:
http://www.bipolarsupporter.com/report11
SUPPORTING A CHILD/TEEN WITH BIPOLAR DISORDER?
Visit:
http://www.bipolarparenting.com
HAVE BIPOLAR DISORDER?
Visit:
http://www.survivebipolar.net
But the main thing I want you to
know is that it is normal to feel the
way you do. I've talked to many
supporters who have shared with
me the same thing, and they thought
they were alone, too, as you probably
do.
Well, you are NOT alone!
And it's ok to feel the way you do.
The point is, what are you going to
do with all these negative emotions?
You can keep stuffing them until they
simmer inside you and boil over like
a hot pot of water and eventually
spill over onto your loved one.
That's your choice. It's a negative
choice, but it's your choice.
You can talk to a therapist about
it. This way at least you are getting
these emotions out and talking to
someone about it. This is a better
choice, but still not the best choice.
The best choice is to wait until your
loved one is not in an episode,
and hopefully in a good mood, or
at least in an open-minded mood,
and talk to them about your feelings.
Make sure you use positive statements,
affirming, supportive statements,
like, "You know I love you, but?"
or "I've been supportive throughout
this whole thing, but?"
Then your loved one will be more
likely to listen to what you have to
say, without getting angry or
defensive.
For those of you who have tried
this method, I'd love to hear
from you, as I'm sure other
readers would.
I'd love to hear some
success stories, so let me know
what has worked for you.
I am off to my meeting in New
York. Talk to you later.
Your Friend,
Dave
===>> Great Resources For You <===
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Don't forget to take a look through the
different programs I've put together... each
one is designed to help you with a different
area of bipolar disorder whether you have it or
you are supporting someone with it.
You can see them all and get the details by visiting:
http://www.bipolarcentral.com/catalog.asp
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http://www.bipolarcentral.com/supporterblog/
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posted by David Oliver @ 7:25 AM
365 comments
365 Comments:
Your newsletter today hit home and gave me a lot of food for thought. I've probably never chose the correct time to bring up my feelings with my daughter and I've discovered (I think it is part of her illness) that I can start any conversation with, "You know I love you, but . . . " or "I'm really struggling with this right now and it's not you, but my reaction to your illness . . ." And all she hears is the negative, the "but". I wonder sometimes if I will ever be able to convince her that I do love her and care about her. The last time we communicated (by letter) she accused me of thinking that she was a bad mother, a bad wife and a bad person. I've never said any of those things and have always tried to encourage her without sugar-coating things or ignoring her illness. At this point the only communication we have is when I send a positive card or a letter that is just chatty and asks NO questions about what is going on. It breaks my heart that we have no relationship right now and I blame it totally on the bipolar. Staying positive in the face of this can be difficult - but I know there is hope and I won't give up on her. Thank you for your blogs, newsletters and articles. I can't begin to tell you how much they have helped me to begin to understand this horrible illness.
i think your post are very impotant
your office is a few miles from where i live
i am trying to enlighten my dad though your email so thank you you have been a huge help most people think that having bipolor is just a bad mood or a happy mood and that i will get over it if they only knew better i have been sending your emails to my dad to make him more aware of my illness thanks again
WHERE IS YOUR NYC MEETING?
WE HAVE THE NY MOOD DISORDER SUPPORT GROUP SINCE 1981.
I'M PART OF THE LONG ISLAND CHAPTER.
WOULD YOU COME TO SPEAK AT OUR MEETING?
SUZAN
WHERE IS YOUR NYC MEETING?
WE HAVE THE NY MOOD DISORDER SUPPORT GROUP SINCE 1981.
I'M PART OF THE LONG ISLAND CHAPTER.
WOULD YOU COME TO SPEAK AT OUR MEETING?
SUZAN
I have bipolar disorder and thanks to this newsletter subscription, one month ago I decided to go back on meds. I am on a new drug which actually works and the difference is night and day. Thank you for motivating me to talk to a doctor and get on medication. I never want to put my son through what your mother put you through. I have a job now, paying my bills and even saving money. Without seeing how bad it could get, I never would have made that step. Thank's again Dave
Hi, I have been bipolar since I was 19, now 40. This is how I cope:
1. I am lucky enough to have warning signs of an episode, normally marching in my head.
2. I tell everyone I know I think I am about to have an episode, please bear with, disregard anything I say or do.
3. I double up on all my meds. Lithium did nothing to help am now on Seroquel a miracle drug for me and tranqs.
4. Sometimes it helps to minimise all stress, so I cancel out all social activities, meditate, isolate myself, like weathering a storm and wait for it to end.
5. Keep all emergency numbers close at hand in case my thoughts become suicidal. This is rare as the tranquilisers I take at my first warning signs cause me to sleep.
6. If I keep highly medicated all of the time the tranquilisers don't work, so I use them like a fire extinguisher only in emergencies. The Seroquel by itself keeps me stable day by day by allowing me to get sleep a valuable tool for bipolar without it I will get really ill.
7. I am now completely drug and alcohol free. I used to drink alcohol to cope to knock myself out as I could not cope with the racing thoughts as I am a rapid cycler. I have learnt alcohol is a big NO NO, it promotes suicidal thoughts and self harm - don't do it. Use the tranquilisers prescribed by the doctor and always get plenty of sleep. Sleep deprivation creates really bad episodes.
Love you all. Hope this helps.
Tanya:-)
I'm bi-polar and so is my husband. I ,oved back into my parents house with my two youngest children, see my doctor, take my medications, and volunteer at a church as a secretary. My husband (soon to be ex) is an absolute mess. He will not be honest with his doctor, does drugs, won't take meds, is paranoid and agoraphobic. Untreated, bi-polar disorder can be more painful than a long drawn out cancer. Treated properly, you can have a great life!
Today was a good newsletter for me. I understand about all the negative emotions - BEEN THERE. I have also tried all the positive comments because I was trying to build up my boyfriend's self-esteem long before I knew he was Bipolar. We are broken up now. He has a new girlfriend, one who doesn't have a clue that he is Bipolar!!! Anyway, I wish I had access to all of this info a long time ago - before it was too late. To Tanya, on today's Blog, thank you for listing the steps you take to cope with the Bipolar. You seem to have gotten your life under control. Oh, yes, my former boyfriend refuses to go to a doctor or take ANY meds, so the battle is really a WAR! Thank you, Dave, for your continued help & support. CArol
Like Natalie, I am now (only) "in touch" with my daughter my email or regular mail. Its a start.
Two years ago (before diagnosis) she announced I was no longer welcome in her sphere of existence. Somehow, all that is, has been, or will be wrong in her world, is my fault.
Not seeing my Grandchildren breaks my heart.
Just like Natalie's daughter, If I said "I love you, but...", she would jump all over the "but" and spew forth nothing but ugliness.
Dr. Phil (I know, but she watches him) says that when you say "but", you are telling the listener to disregard what you just said. (not a direct quote!)
Might I suggest, "I love you, and" as an alternative?
When the "but" they expect, doesn't come, maybe it will surprise them enough to listen?
I don't know...have a great day.
Lori
Tried it. Not very satisfying because all he says is, "I know I'm hard to live with". And the beat goes on.
HI DAVE.
I AM A PERSON THAT IS LIVING WITH BI-POLAR DAILY. IF I CAN HELP YOU, LET ME KNOW. I HAVE GO THROUGH HELL IN HIGH WATERS. I HAVE BEEN MARRIED 20 PLUS YEARS AND I AM VERY YOUNG. MY HUSBAND HAD TO GROW WITH ME LEARNING TO DEAL WITH MANIC DEPRESSIVE BI-POLAR.. LET ME KNOW WHEN YOU ARE READY FOR REAL , REAL , CLEAR DETAILS OF EPISODES.
David, please write more about rages as a symptom of BD. When I read about your mother's rages, I clicked what my husband was suffering from.
Hi
My wife has Bipolar disorder. when we were married we didn`t know about it. Since we`ve known and i have become her supporter it has actually been a relief for me now I know why we have or should I say had money problems. We don`t have much but at least we are cought up and arn`t faceing shut off notices and such. She even tried to kill me one night. So now that we both know about it and she is stable we tackle this together through sickness and health .
chuck
I wanted to say Thank you Dave, not only for your emails but for giving me the opprtunity to read others experiences and advice as well. I think the " and, instead of, but" is a wonderful idea. "but" is an ugly word. You can also try writing letters. I was in an episode, and I isolated myself in my daughter's closet(we have a house full which makes it 100x harder to deal with b/c I have to hide it) and my boyfriend wrote me a letter of his feelings, started and ended it with some really nice words and reasurance that he loves me no matter what and he is here for me always. He folded the paper and wrote "please dont rip up" He opened the door, I told him to rot in hell and he gave me the note. (you could wait too) I would have probably ripped it up if I didnt see it written, I decided to read it. I cried for about a half hour, then I kind of felt like it woke me up from the episode. My shame kept me there a little longer but then I gave in, found him, and fell into his arms. I wouldnt try it too much though, I know if he did it everytime it would lose its meaning. Good luck and hang in there!
Still waiting on an email on some ideas how to convince someone to get help and keep in mind it is easier to convince a woman than a man
Roy Anne - I would be very interested to hear some of your clear details of episodes
Johinta - I go through the raging with my son, it is exhausting and draining. He goes on and on about the same thing. He refuses to take the right meds and admit that he has a problem. When the raging starts it can last for 1-4 hours or all day and the same things said over and over that you have heard a million times before. I am also blamed for ever wrong thing or bad thing that has happened in their life
I can really relate to the negative feelings as a supporter. I am dealing with a mother, a daughter and a son all with bipolar, my mother I have been dealing with her bipolar for about 22 years now and somedays she is better but for the most part she is so hard to talk to, I really have to bite my tongue to have a conversation with her and usually end up so frustrated that I just want to hang up. My daughter right now is doing great, she is a senior and this school year has been the best for her yet, a great way to bring her high school years to an end, I am so glad for her. Now my son is a different story, he was just recently diagnosed but I have been dealing with this for at least two years with it getting progressively worse, he refused medication and treatment but about a month ago asked me to make an appointment and has started on meds, which we all know take a while to work and then sometimes may not work and have to start over or increase dosages ect. Anyway the most negative thing for me is I have been doing all I can to help him, have been supportive, been spending most of my time with him, basically just going out of my way and my life revolves around his and what is so hard is when he is so mean to me, (i don't think he realizes it but) He just grumbles at me when I ask a simple question or even if I offer to make him something to eat, sometimes I just want to sit and bawl because i feel like nothing I do is helping, so it is easy to feel sorry for yourself on this end of the spectrum, I am not bipolar but do suffer from depression and anxiety, so that even makes this harder, because the more I feel rejected by him after all I do the more I start feeling depressed, but I know I have to keep up with what I am doing because it could be a matter of him being successful in controling this disease or not. I know people with bipolar can't always control there manic episodes and there mood, but one thing they should make sure they do when they are not in an episode, it make sure you show your supporter(s) how much you really do love them and appreciate them for all they do, which I am sure alot of you do, as my daughter does, and I am just hoping that someday my son will, it is just so hard to have to go through this with him and watch him suffer and feel so helpless!
I can really relate to Melissa. My boyfriend is so mean, but he does it passive aggressively. I feel so un appreciated eventhough there is no telling where he would be without me. I never know what is going to bother him and most of the time he acts like I am the problem. I agree that when they are able, the number one thing they should do is show their supporters how much they appreciate them because we don't have to do this!
Sandi,
i wish I knew how to convince someone to get help. You are right, a man feels like they can handle it on their own. The only thing is they can't see that they are NOT handleing it at all. All they are doing is making everyone else miserable. Please share if you find out.
My emotions are different. I have felt that God has a certain irony. I was not supposed to be able to get pregnant because the eggs were not making it thru the fallopian tubes. I marry for the 3rd time, after my 2nd husband having a massive heart attack, who has the worst type of BPD - undiagnosed and untreated and he is the one who gets me pregnant passing this mental disorder on. I have always felt sorry for my Baby Girl to watch her have to struggle with this disorder. I knew nothing about BPD or even that her Dad had the disorder and that it could be genetic as well or he would not have been her father. But I guess it was meant to be and now she will have to struggle with this for the rest of her life and all I can do is Pray for her to do what is needed to stay as normal as normal will be for her because I can't be there every day of the rest of her life to be sure she does. I was mad at God for a very long time and it took a Psych to help me figure that out. So now I feel differently about BPD and the more I learn, the better I am able to help her but I am in the final stage of emphysema and my prognosis is a few years before the emphysema causes me to die from Congestive Heart Failure. Sorry this sounds so negative but this is my heart on my sleeve today and the pain it feels.
Melissa,
Is your son a teenager? If so, I would be willing to bet at least some of what you are dealing with is Bi-Polar exacerbated by hormones! My son's worst time with Bi-Polar to date was during his teens. His meds were adjusted frequently and he had to be hospitalized once just to get things under control and to give us a break. I also suffer from anxiety and depression tendencies and am on medicines for both, but when my son was at his worst, my medicines just couldn't quite deal with it unless the dose was so strong I couldn't hold my eyes open. Fortunately, now that my son is 21, things have come under control for the majority of the time.
Angela,
You could be right, but in my case, my boyfriend is 48 and sounds a lot like Melissa's son.
Since my son was a very small child, I observed that trying to deal with any behavior while in an episode or even when the Obsessive-Compulsive disorder he also suffers from was really bothering him, was pointless. He simply couldn't process anything until his mind settled down. Once that happens, he is very receptive to suggestions made in a non-confrontational manner.
Donna,
Is he under a time of particular stress, say financially or with a job or other issue? I also find that my anxiety depression often is worse when I am sick or have gotten too tired.
Donna,
I can relate. I get the passive- aggressive thing from my husband who sometimes wonders if he has Bi-Polar, but most of the time denies it. He always blames me for everything that is going wrong as does my son. I think they feel I am the one person who will still love them and stick with them no matter what. When they are calmer, I do let them know that even though I want to always be there for them, that I have needs and feelings too and can only take so much before I have to take a break and go away for awhile. I did tell my husband once that if he didn't start using medicines so that he could keep on an even keel, that even my love would be turned to stone. That time he did get on meds for about 6 months.
David, I agree and have felt all of the emotions you stated, especially the fact that I "didn't sign up for this." Unfortunately, the goods modds are cherished, and the last thing I want to do is to bring up my feelings at this time, as we are too busy making up for all of the crap. I don't want to cause an issue., and I want to cherish the good times. My strategy is that I usually bring things up when she says "I know you are having a hard time with me, and I am making you miserable." (which happens a lot) Because I get this window of opportunity I run with it. It aint easy, that's for sure.
Gunzee
Angela,
Yes he is a teenager, (16) and I guess I had contributed his moodiness and denial to take responsibility for his actions and his downright meaness to everyone to him being a teenager, but then thank god he realized he was not happy or when he was it didn't last long, he described it as so up and down and asked me to get him help. Actually sometimes I think it was easier just relating to him being a teenager, now that it is more than that it has become more difficult, because know i have to try to decipher if he all of his actions are from the episode or is he using it as an excuse to do what he wants, for example this past weekend I was to pick him up around midnight and when I contacted him to come get him he said it wasn't over yet he would let me know when he was ready, well I fell asleep and woke up about 1:45 and of course he had not contacted me and was not home, so I got ahold of him to find out he was at Sheetz with his friends getting something to eat, which as I am sure you know is not acceptable by any means and he knows that, he has never done this before so it made me wonder if he was trying to get away with it because of the bipolar and figured I wouldn't get mad at him at the risk of upsetting him further, or was this just part of the bipolar episode that he is going through. I was really hurt that he did that because like I said I have been doing EVERYTHING for him that I can, beyond what I need to or sometimes want to and then he pulls this, I guess I need help in dealing with this and deciphering the behavior.
If you have any good advice I will be glad to hear it, also I am glad your son at 21 is doing well, that gives me hope!
I am a bipolar supporter and have been for over 20 years. My husband is a rapid cycler with minor or moderate episodes weekly or monthly. He also has major episodes that usually end with him being hospitalized for up to a month every two years. This is even though he religiously takes his meds, sees the phychiatrist and sees a therapist.
My experience has been that I need to enjoy the peace and good moods when they occur and not do or say anything that could be disruptive or a trigger to bring on another episode.
During the times between the episodes he is so guilt ridden about the harsh treatment and angry outbursts that I simply can't add to his burden.
To deal with BP on a long term basis it is imperative that supporters have a short term memory for the hurtful times and a capacity to appreciate the good times.
I often remind myself that that I love him and hate the illness. "The illness is not him." "It is the illness talking and raging!"
Donna,
I have to say I really feel for you I think it would be harder to deal with what I am dealing with with a significant other, than with the child, a relationship such as yours would be so much more difficult to handle, of course it is difficult for anyone and heartwrenching with a child but to have a spouse/boyfriend treating me like that I don't know how I would deal with that, I know I have said a million times that my dad is a saint for never leaving my mom because she is and has been for a long time very difficult to deal with.
I wish you the best!
Jana,
Well it sounds like you have a good handle on handling the disorder as a
supporter, I am sure it is very difficult but sounds as though you are a
very understanding, compassionate person, I applaud you for that!
Hi everyone, I'm a relatively new adult supporter of my adult sister. She was diagnosed about 6yrs ago after almost succeeding in a suicide. When she was diagnosed, I was under the impression that now that she was on medication, everything would be fine, so unfortunately didn't bother finding out more about the disease. She is a rapid cycler (just learned that) and she has went through a couple of major episodes in the past few months. This is when I discovered she had went off of her medication. For the first time, she was hospitalized and it was against her will. She spent a week. She's also a functioning alcoholic and we now know you can't drink and be on meds. Unfortunately this hasn't lasted too long for she has only been out a little over a week, and has taken a drink or two. Anyway, I wondering what you all mean when you talk about screaming or raging? I envision shouting at the top of lungs, but am wondering if there are different types. In my sister's case she does repeat herself over and over, and doesn't seem to listen to any reasoning. She also seems to fixate on one person in her present life that she believe's is doing her wrong, and won't let it go, no matter how much I try to reason with her to let it go. Just wondering if this is along the same lines when you refer to screaming or raging? Any info is appreciated, am now trying to be the best supporter I can be and have been educating myself on the disease through David's enlightening mini-course. My parent's are of no help, and if anything make matters worse, so I'm all she has and we don't have any other siblings. I'm really worried that she's still in a manic state. Thank you for listening.
Wow, 6months. My boyfirend lasted 2 weeks on meds. Even when I told him that I couldn't live like this anymore, he just volunteered to move out instead of getting help. If I do go away for a while, he doesn't care. He can just isolate himself more without anyone bothering him.
Not any more than usual. You see, he used to be the City attorney, had a private practice, protemp judge and public defender all at the same time. He found out through the media that his license was suspended because he did not answer to a complaint. He did not know about the complaint or the suspension because he had not opened his mail. i first noticed that something was wrong when his apartment was trashed. He had junk everywhere, dirty dishes in the sink, old food in the fridge, clothes that smelled like they had been left in the washer too long beefore going into the dryer, thrown on a table instead of getting a dresser. He decided to leave law because he couldn't handle it. That's when he was diagnosed. So, he went from making alot of money to working 2 jobs to make 30,000 and lives in my basement. Stress? I think not, me on the other hand, am constantly stressed wondering what kind of mood he is in today!
Dear Donna,
I can sympathize; my biggest stress is not knowing if my girlfriend who is BP is going to come home in a good mood or not, or wake up in a good mood. She has become terribly disorganized, forgetful (meds today?), doesn't pay bills, etc. I am sorry to hear the same thing, but I am a bit relieved i a not the only one with these feelings.
Gunzee
Gunzee,
I know what you mean. The disorganization drives me nuts! My only saving grace is that he is in the basement and no one can see his mess and what's up with the not paying bills? He doesn't even open them! It's nice to have someone who knows what I go through on a day to day basis. Would you ever consider marrying her knowing this?
Hi, I just wanted to say that I am a schizoaffective disorder supporter. What's schizoaffective? Well, accoriding to the doctor it's a mixture of bi-bolar and schizophrenia disorder. The symptoms are the same as bi-polar except with hallucenations and voices in the head. So anyways I just wanted to first of all thank dave for the e-mails. I now know that I am not the only one that has to go through this. The e-mails greatly help and give me the strength to not give up on my husband and stick through it as I do love him very much and we have 3boys. So Thanks Dave. Well, here is the story, in the past few months my husband has been diagnosed with the disorder schizoaffective and is finally after having him go through a big manic episode and getting into a physical fight with my dad(whome is also bi-polar to add to the mix)I was finally able to get a court ordered mental evalution(which didn't really help, but lead me into getting my husband to talk to a marriage counsler which then talked to a pyschologist and finally came up with a diagnosis). It's kinda weird how long it can take for a pyschologist to actually listen to you and not just your husband when he tends to be very good at hiding his illness. To add to that his disorder didn't really come out as much untill he reached the age around 27 I think. Therefore I didn't think of getting help untill later which could have made it more difficult. Well, in conclusion, I Finally, in some little way at least found some help and found a person to find a diagnosis and get my husband on some meds, which also took alot alot of convincing from all parties. Now that he is finally taking meds after going through a few diff meds we finally found some that seem to be working. He is now able to cope with the disorder, even though he will still from time to time fight with me on taking meds and be in denial that there is anything wrong which is probally always going to be a fight now and agian, but at least hes taking them and does alot better when he is. Anyways, in response to the e-mail, I find that it does at first seem to really help to talk to the person with the disorder about your feelings when they are in a good mood and open minded, and at the time he seems to be listening and is very agreeable, but then when he gets back into his negative bad mood its as though all the feeling and emotions I tried to tell him about just goes in one ear and out the other and we go in circles back to round one. I don't understand cuase at times he will listen and starts understanding me and for a while does better, but then will go back and do the same things that I thought he agreed he understood. I am just so confused about how to help him and feel as though I can't help him when he keeps going in circles. I want to move foward not around and I beleive that thing that is preventing him is this disorder is so powerful and gets in his head and he has a hard time looking past it so he can become more stable and learn to save money and have better relationships. Well, I am going to go to a support group and try to get him into a educational class about mentel illnesses then maybe we can both better understand each other and move foward and not around.
Donna,
I am very torn. I think she knows better than to discuss marriage at this point (been there, done that anyway). I am just struggling because 99% of our focus is on her, taking care of odds and ends, giving support, listening to daily problems, etc. I love her but I am not sure how much longer I can give all of my attention, and get very little in return. This disease sucks, and it is a shame that it is all consuming, every day. Sometimes I think I am too young to deal with this the rest of my life. I don't see it eally getting better, except for the "episodes" and hurtfull,nasty responses that have diminished since medication. Everything else remains...
Gunzee
I CAN APPRECIATE WHERE YOUR COMING FROM DAVE CAUSE AS I'M WRITING THIS I'M GOING THREW ANXIETY AND I DON'T KNOW WHY. WHEN I'M IN A BIPOLAR FLARE I EXPERIENCE SEVER ANGER AND RESENTMENT TOWARD PEOPLE FOR NO REASON. AND I START THROWING THINGS DESTROYING MY PERSONAL ITEMS AND KICKING WISHING IT WAS A HUMAN TO KICK AND I'M NOT MAD A ANY PARTICULAR PERSON. BUT WHAT I THINK IS ANGER HELD INSIDE FROM THE PAST OR I'M JUST PLAIN CRAZY. THEN I GO THREW BAD ANXIETY WHERE I FEEL SOMETHING IS GOING TO HAPPEN. I HATE THAT FEELING.
DOES ANYONE ELSE GO THROUGH THAT? PLEASE LET ME KNOW
Gunzee,
I think that unless they are stable, they can't think about marriage. The thing is he thinks that he is stable ( eventhough he doesn't take meds. I wonder though about life insurance since we have a daughter together and I am quite sure that he doesn't have anything in place for her. I always wondered how he could be mean and say nasty things to me of all people, but now after listening to others I know that it is this nasty disease.
Dear Precious@51
My girlfriend experienced the EXACT same thing on a daily basis, the worry and anxiety for really no reason is still there, but the anger issues have been diminished since she has been on medication.
Nothing I can say can convince her to stop worrying.
Tiffany,
It's good that you have a support group. I hope that the educational class works as well. My boyfriend works at the community mental health center. I don't know if he feels that he's ok because they are crazier than him so he doesn't need help or what?
Donna,
I had to deal with the nasty comments and terrible words alot. Once she got on meds the nastiness subsided, now we are left with worry and anxiety. If we could find something that would help these issues, we would be great.
Gunzee
i have all of these emotions and dont know how to handle them dont take meds and think im losing my mind, im bipolardepression and pregnant, please give me some imput my regards jana
Gunzee,
My mom is the same way there is nothing anyone can say or do to get her to stop worrying, she worries about everything all the time, my dad always said if she doesn't have something or someone to worry about she would worry about not having anything to worry about.
Melissa,
Yes it's sad, if she won the lottery, she would just worry about something else. Every time we solve a problem, she finds something else to worry about.
Gunzee and Melissa,
There seems like there should be a med for that as well. Is not sleeping related to the worry?
Oh my God, sleeping is a huge issue, either worrying about not getting enough sleep, then taking Ambien, or convince hersef that she didn't get enough sleep..it is a daily issue. Oh, and I am fat also....
Gunzee,
Yeah here too. Although he works 2 jobs, even when he does have time for sleep and should be asleep he takes tylenol PM to sleep and always complains of lack of sleep. Then again, he complains about everything. Is there anything that she obsesses over? For him, it's basketball and his son.
Donna,
Yes. She obsessed about the cleanliness on the house for a while. Then we got a weekly cleaning service. now she obsesses about her weight. She is muscular, about 5' 7" and if she goes over 150 lbs. she wants to kill herself. SHe has had 3 tummy tucks and still complains that now she has built up scar tissue, and she is still fat. Meanwhile she woke up at 11pm last night insisting she was hungry. So she eats, and then she is crying this morning that she shouldn't have done it. She started worrying about money a while back, to the point that she bought an economy car when she could have had a luxury car, but then goes and buys two Gucci bags and a tanning bed.
Hi
i have recently been told that i am Bipolar. this is a roller coaster ride but i didnt buy the ticket for the ride.
i am still young and have children & step children they are all grown but 1 daughter. i have always been a very hyper person, workaholic,i stay very busy when i am not working i was spending all the money i had made on not a thing. this cycle has been going on for 17 years i guess you could say i hit the brick bipolar wall( and of course it happened @ work in front of alot of people ) and know i am needing support for me and my family to get through this. i have been in the hospital 2 different times in 2 months the meds have alot of side affects that i have never felt before in my life.
thanks for the tips i know this should help my husband he has been putting up with me for a while and i can see the stress on his face. he has always cheered me on but i think this bipolar is taking its toll on him. he has been reading the comments also thanks for the comments it make me feel that i am not alone and my husband can relate to someone in his shoes
I thought it was just him that switches his obsessions. He was obsessed with being healthy, taking walks, eating fruits and vegtables and complained about the groceries I buy, so I started buying fruits and vegtables and he didn't eat them and was back to buying fast food and cookies. Then he was obsessed with talking on the phone, running up huge cell phone bills. Then he became obsessed with the computer with signing up on all kinds of sites. Then he cancelled them and travels around with a basketball. He used to like pepsi so I bought pepsi. Needless to say, the pepsi is still there ( I only drink diet) cause he decided that he likes rootbeer.
Metro,
just remember when you are having a good day to show your husband some added appreciation. It's like making a deposit in the bank so when the rainy day comes, and it will come, he'll have something to withdraw.
I find myself working very hard to stay positive. I will not address my feelings with my husband when he is feeling good, having a calm moment, etc. I've tried that in the past both in person and via email; prefacing it by letting him know how much I love him and care about him and our marriage. Its good for the moment. When he "goes to the dark side" - as I call it- whatever I've tried to express to him comes back at me in a twisted, harsh, ridiculing way. It is extremely hurtful. Unlike Jana's husband, my husband doesnt express any kind of guilt. Its actually quite the contrary. He doesnt think he's done anything wrong to anyone. He has never kept treatment or meds for his BP. I was so hopeful when he FINALLY agreed to start seeing a psychiatrist. Its the only reason I decided to stay with the marriage. He talks to him about nonsense - doesnt talk about the episodes, the isolation, revenge fantasies, or the suicide talk, etc. He wont allow me to speak to his doctor. So, I tried one of your techniques - I faxed him. He tried t jump out of the car on the way home from dinner on my birthday. (Why is it that special occasions and holidays are such a nightmare??) So i typed up what happened and faxed it to the doctor. I know when he goes to see him he wont talk about it. He talks about sharing the remote, having more sex and that his job stresses him. I was hoping this doc would start him on meds by now (7 sessions). But, I supposed he's hiding the BP pretty well.
jcwife,
my boyfriend doesn't feel any guilt either. He once told me after a blow up, that he knows that he shouldn't have said what he said but he would never go back and apologize. At least your husband goes to a psychiatrist, at least he may get on meds. my boyfriend won't even go, because he doesn't think that theres anything wrong with him. He once told his mother that he thinks its something he ate.
I guess you have to reach rock bottom to wake up and realise yes I have a serious life threatening illness. I have been with my partner for 15 years and he says it is like being with 6 different people always changing, he says he wouldn't change me for the world but in 2006 after years of denial not taking my meds abusing drugs and alcohol I went completely phycotic and ended up on a busy main road screaming at the traffic to kill me so I was told I was hospitilised and my partner said he could not go throught this any more and I had to change. He had in the past visited me in hospital after overdose cutting etc but the traffic thing was the final straw. I vowed then to aknowledge my illness stop alcohol and drugs and stop hurting myself. Am a rapid cycler with hallucinations and voices but love my partner so much his tears brought me to my senses. ALWAYS TAKE YOUR MEDS AND LOVE YOURSELF.
thanks Dave for all you're doing to help in every way. My husband's bipolar and God knows I have tried all avenues, including what you said today. but he forgets everything after a while anyway, he forgets what's been discussed, he forgets what's been agreed upon...he just forgets and i always feel i've wasted my time and energy speaking to him and coming up to an agreement, a compromise. i'm tired. maria
My loved one,(boyfriend) is/has broken up with me,he just can't deal with me?it any longer. He was kind enough to let me stay with him (after I left for 3 weeks ) until I get another job and place to stay. I never understood before how hard this disease is on the ones that care for us. I do now and I became too much for him.Too needy. I have moved back into the apartment that we lived in together but in the other room. He says I can stay a month or so until I find another apartment. This is difficult. I love him and am still very much IN LOVE with him. We were only together nine months but ,I love him. I just found a great job and am in the process of starting my life over I assume. I wish that he would have been able to handle the ups and downs,(Mostly downs recently).Right now I am rapid cycling. I have no therapist and no money or insurance at this time. I have had to miss some of my meds because I can't afford them. But I am getting back up and just starting over. It is hard living here with my ex and not be his girlfriend,especially since we have a strong physical attraction to one another and have slept together again. This is bad for me as the feelings that I have for him are very strong and go way beyond the physical. This is my first time on this blog and I have no idea what I am doing but I hope there is someone out there that understands my plight . I am headed for heartache which is my pattern.
what do you do if you have NO ONE to talk to. I am 1200 miles from home an in the 5 yr that I have lived here, I have NO FRIENDS here. My room mates walks away when ever I cry or do want to talk. I only leave my house every other month to go to my Dr. Can anyone help me out..
Hi Jo, I feel for you. I can tell you are a lovely person with a condition that is not your fault. I go through phases when I think everyone hates me (my bipolar mind) which alienates people. Is it something about having bipolar that stops people getting too close. I am lucky I have my partner but no friends to speak off, I think I frighten people by being too intense. Perhaps we can all connect through this site. Is it OK to give you a big cyber hug. Am certain things will improve for you - we have a home because of Dave for all us bipolarians to share our thoughts, fears and feelings. You are not alone.
If you could find a church close by, there might be people who would talk to you there. In the Methodist churches I have attended, there are people who have volunteered to get some basic training in listening constructively. They aren't psychiatrists or even psychologists, only people who want to serve Christ by making themselves available to people who, like you need someone to talk to. The service is free.
My comment about the Stephen Ministers was to Jo.
Angela
Annette,
I don't know where you live and what is available there, but my son gets counseling from both a psychiatrist and a therapist for 1.00 and usually most of his medicines in samples from the same organization. You do have to be judged in financial need. Maybe your area has such an organization and someone at a local hospital, social services, or health center could point you in the right direction.
Emotions, positive or negative, should not be kept inside. Emotional problems can manifest into physical conditions if they're not dealt with. Men in general tend to keep their emotions to themselves, believing that showing feelings is somehow not manly. British men in particular, have been brought up that way.
My ex-husband believed that he was undeserving of love. So he couldn't bring himself to say he loved me and show his affections in fear of having it returned. He had an affair with a woman who liked it rough and abused him and he felt that's what he deserved. I could feel his pain and knew he was crying inside. He wouldn't let me help him. I'm not good at hiding my emotions.
My current boyfriend is in many ways very similar to my ex, but much more honest about his feelings. I know I shouldn't generalise, but from my observation Irish men are more highly emotional than the British. They don't mind showing their feelings and they are still real men. Bipolar disorder added to naturally strong emotions must make it extra difficult to deal with. I think my experience with my ex have made it a little easier to understand and cope with my present man's moods.
Jo,
Don't you have family to talk to? if not I would suggest looking for local support groups for mental illness or bi-polar. You can find some online at nami.org Another thing you might want to try is maybe go to a church or find an activity where you can meet people and start talking and making friends. I am sure you can find someone to talk to maybe even a counsler. I know it has to be hard, but hang in their and don't give up if anything you always have the internet and their is tons of people and info that you can talk with online. Best of Luck.
Dave, I will take your advice and find time to talk to my husband about his bipolar disorder, and how I feel about living with it. After years of being married to someone with bp disorder, i forget to focus on myself. So much has been focused on him; is he stable, is he going up, is he going down, can he still work, what;s he buying, where's he going, can he get out of bed, does he have any help, where are his friends, can you trust him, what business is he starting, is he happy, is he sad, is he too happy, is he too sad, does he self medicate, when does he see his doctor again, blah, blah, blah.
Suzannewa, I hope you're doing ok. I'm thinking of you, and will pray.
Open and honest dialogue at the right time is really important. In my case, though, I can't handle it. My best friend and most loyal, loving supporter is my husband. We didn't know I was going to be diagnosed as BD when we were married. He knew I had had a couple of bouts of major depression and had a very serious near encounter with death via suicide in college, and a 6-wk inpatient stay at a behavioral care center. But it had been years before and I was on meds, and all looked fine. I was always emotional by temperament, but there were definite highs and lows that we passed through. I ended up, as I grew older, having more extreme mood swings and using alcohol and prescription meds to control major fight or flight living. I ended up twice in out-patient care, and the second time, we were blessed with a doctor who correctly diagnosed the disorder. We were both so scared. While I remained dumbfounded and tried to cope, my husband was online reading everything he could about it. But neither of us really knew what we were dealing with until we experienced several months of a manic episode that at its peak destroyed most of his important relationships. by God's grace alone, we still have a relationship with his son and daughter (our), but it was a permanent loss re: his closest friends. My three kids (our) were also really hurt by tons of fallout. I had been in therapy for a long time already. We finally got to the root of some emotional garbage when I unburied memories of early childhood sexual abuse. But nothing has explained the messed up brain chemistry. I literally held myself together, I think, because of raising my children. I was an at-home Mom for 16 years, feeling I needed to be very attentive and involved in their lives and available whenever needed. It wasn't like that for me, and I wanted their lives to be different. They brought out the child in me, too, which was healing as I played with them. But once they left home to go on their own, I was lost and I think my controls were, too. It's like my brain said, OK, now it's time to really go to town. When my husband makes comments about his friends left behind (because we had to move and they cannot communicate with him or I go ballistic), or how his relationship with his daughter is different, even though it's never accusatory or meant to make me feel responsible or that he is angry, I feel like a force of destruction in his life. I feel guilty, I hurt for him, I marvel that he is still with me. I am jealous and possessive. If I feel threatened or betrayed or have been stuffing negative feelings over time about someone, and I get triggered, I fly into a very out-of-control rage because of fixated thinking leading to messed up brain chemistry. So having my husband updaate me about how he is feeling about all of this scares me beyond words. I don't want him to wonder "which woman" he's coming home to, I don't want to hear him say he's given it his all and can't do it anymore, or how hard it is for him to live w/o his friends, and that he was forced to choose between me and his kids and chose me because he knew how ill I was. His kids weren't close by to see, and I put a gag order over my husband. He wasn't to say anything about me to anyone. He honored that but it cost him dearly. I feel such guilt over all he has chosen yes, chosen, but it doesn't make me feel any better, to sacrifice because we love each other so much and because we love the Lord so much. He doesn't want to leave me, thank God, and I don't want him to ever want to. So now I try to hide the signs if I feel them coming on. I know how to act bright when I'm depressed and have slept all day while he's worked. I set the alarm to give me enough time to do some chores and shower before he gets home. If I'm angry, I downplay it, and I suddenly have lots to do on the computer for a few nights to isolate until I can let some extra meds (legitimate) to be taken as needed take effect. I pray a lot. Even when I know I'm most rebellious and ugly, God loves me. I'm His daughter. He is the glue of our marriage. We've relocated and all was great. But I've had to take care of my Mom, 85, and it has been 100% more difficult than I imagined. Mom is a major trigger. Sure enough, given enough time, I became manic and exploded all over her. I haven't been able to talk to her yet about it and apologize. I haven't wanted my children to know by experience what I can do, head-knowledge was good enough via written materials. But now they've seen the rage I can fly into. They had experienced some of my depression when they were at home with me. But they didn't realize the depth of it. I managed to pull it together when they were due home from school. It's amazing what the love for my kids gave me the strength to do. When my husband talks to me, which is rare because he's pretty private, the way you suggest, it devestates me because of the guilt. We do talk about the disorder but in pretty clinical terms and "just checking" terms. Maybe one day I can get past the feeling that I am a totally destructive person in his life when he opens up about his side of this as my supporter. He tells me all of the time that God has given me to him as a gift and he values me as a gift. He loves me so much and I honestly just don't get it. But I am so very, very grateful for it. I want very much to minimize the effects of this disorder on him. Like Dave said in one of his emails, "this isn't the life he signed up for". But I don't want to think about where I would be now without him. Marni
Dear Marni
My heart goes out to you. I know this may sound like a cliche, but we are looking forward to an eternity in the presence of God's unconditional love!
Johanita
Roy Anne
I NEED to know this....it would help so much.
My boyfriend and I are together for 5 years. He is Bi-polar, on meds and seeing a therapist.
He has 1 depressive phase and 1 manic phase per year and the cycle is very regular.
We share a great life, ski, motorbike (live in S France) have a great set of friends and a super sex life...no problems..he will NOT leave his controlling mother (he is 40yrs old) to live with me but we make it work!
He is in manic at the moment. He has spent ALOT of money but that is not a big problem. He knows what he has spent.
He thinks he is God's gift to women. He has to try and sleep with every young girl in existance, party all the time and be FREE!! He has left me AGAIN because he says I cramp his style, he NEVER loved me, he stayed with me 5 years because he felt sorry for me. I make him angry (we never argue..life is always pretty smooth. He wants more beauty, more excitement, he says such hurtful things.....is THIS REALLY HOW IT MAKES YOU FEEL?
I am so hurt!
He left me last year for a young girl of 19 and came back crying...now he seems to have forgotten all about what he said when he came back.
This is so hard for a supporter...is this how it REALLY is?
Do I just stay calm and out of his way and see if it passes and he comes back again...what would you want me to do?
What do you feel? Is this anger towards a loved one NORMAL?
I want it from someone who knows!!
Thanks for any help here!
Hi Roy Anne, Yes this is how it it. I have bipolar rapid cycling and I have finished with my partner painfully a million times I do love him so much but the illness makes you see everything good as bad when I am ill I hate myself and hurt everyone around me. If it helps things do get better when I am good I am very good when bad I am horrid I hate myself afterwards and feel such guilt it is not me or how I really feel it is an episode which both partners need to understand. My partner has learnt to keep his distance when necessary, to ignore everything I say, to not live in the past, but to count our blessings for all the wonderful moments we share. I am so grateful he has stood by me, loves me I dont't quite undertand it but if you love him he needs you and the support you offer. It will never be easy but very rewarding. Hope this helps.
Just wanted to add a comment to all you mothers of bipolar sons and daughters. I get annoyed with my mum, if I am honest it is more with myself. You see when things get bad I cannot manage the day to day things and my mum takes over with the chores, asks me if I have paid my bills, if I have bought food, if I have done washing. She doesn't realise this but in my mind she is saying 'You are useless, you can't do anything and I hate the fact that at 40 my mum is taking over I know I need her but Iresent her at the same time. I love her though with all my heart. Everything is so painful at times I thought she was turning my daughter against me, trying to kill me. When she speaks I hear different words like reading between the lines I know my thought are not real my illness but they are real at the time only later when well like a flash back I see the harm and how my mind gets warped. I think that is why so many of us attempt suicide inside we are good caring people with an illness that alters our perceptions. We don't want to hurt anyone. Love you all.
Tanya,
I thought rock bottom was when he lost everything, career, money, condo, repect etc. and moved to another town to live with me working jobs that require little to no education and he has a law degree. But apparently that wasn't even enough to admit his illness and get help.
I'm suffer from BP with Panic Disorder. I'm at the point where the Dr.'s are still trying to see which med is working. The weight gain is atrocious. Has anyone had any luck wiht a med that doesn't cause weight gain?
I have been appart of bi-polar disorder most of my life. My mother suffered and did not take medication. Alcohol and drugs were her friends. My mothers mother also suffered. I was giving her shots to calm her at age 12. The depression side was so horrible that she refused to get out of bed and always spoke of death. Morbid but that was my childhood. Now I am an adult and I have three adult children. All of them suffer from bi-polar in various levels. I am now raising one of my grandchildren. She has been diagnosed Bipolar-ADHD like her dad. He is my oldest.
For many years I felt like the square peg in a round hole. I was told from a very young age that I was the one with a problem. Bipolar loves to play these kinds of games. It took me a long time to figure out that I did not possess bipolar issues. I have run the gauntlet of emotions. As a teen I hated my mother for her evil, violent, and physical abuse, I hated her for cheating on my father. It was not until I was much older that I learned that the problems with me were born of the life I had lived. With answers came solutions. I became strong and was able to support my children. They too refuse to medicate at least not the legal ones. My oldest does not abuse drugs or alcohol but he stays mostly on the manic side. With ADHD so he feels no need to medicate when he feels this good.. You get the picture. His life is a mess but he persists that he is in control of his life. To make a long story shorter. I have felt every emotion you have mentioned here and then some. Life is good since I was able to get out of myself to be a supporter and not a victom of Bipolar Disorder. I have worked in mental health for 7 years and learned many of the things that you have mentioned. You are a great source of inspiration to me. My grandchild who is 8 years old has me and good doctors. She takes her medication, has become non violent, excells in school, and is mostly stable at this time. Schedule changes without prior knowledge will cause behavior. You have spoken about triggers and I have been able to work on and make others aware of some of them. Thank You for your help and support. You may not be a professional in this field, but living in the world of Bipolar Disorder affords a much greater education than a text book.
I have the same issues. Wellbutrin doesn't cause weight gain and doesn't lower sex drive, and Miravam is a good instant med for anxiety and panic attacks. It dissolves against the roof of your mouth or under your tongue and it enters your blood stream immediately. Have had good success with both. Marni
Leticia, If my previous comment didn't post, I suggested Wellbutrin an antidepressant that doesn't cause weight gain, Niravam for instant relief of an anxiety or panic attack. As a mood stabilizer, I've had good results with Lamictil. Hiravam melts in your mouth against the roof of your mouth or under your tongue and enters the blood stream immediately to relieve the anxiety. Marni
Leticia, If my previous comment didn't post, I suggested Wellbutrin an antidepressant that doesn't cause weight gain, Niravam for instant relief of an anxiety or panic attack. As a mood stabilizer, I've had good results with Lamictil. Hiravam melts in your mouth against the roof of your mouth or under your tongue and enters the blood stream immediately to relieve the anxiety. Marni
Dear Johanita, Thanks for your heart's concern. I'll see you "there", sister. Marni
Dear Tanya,
Maybe rock bottom for him would mean you may have to leave him untill he can except help. I know it's hard and you will worry about his well being, but that's what I had to do in order for my husband to except help and even after it still took alot of people including Doctors to convince him he needed help. Good Luck and keep trying.
Tiffany,
I have left him before, with the lastest being moving to a different town but it seems that it's different now because he lives with me and that would mean putting him out and where would he go, he has nothing. That may just put him over the edge for real.
Donna,
I know what you mean. The "emotional blackmail" is terrible. I have been told that if I left (again) she would end up killing herself. I left once prior to her being diagnosed. She ended up incoherent, and in the hospital. Her parents begged me to come back as I was the best thing that ever happened to her according to them. But what is the best for ME? A relationship is a 2-way street, and it gets grueling when you live on a one way street. This is the biggest struggle. Case in point, she loves fancy pasta,so I brought home some imported Italian pasta for her,and I refinished the hardwood floors in her house. She came home and was so self absorbed with her problems that she didn'teven comment on either. I need to be supportive, but she is oblivious to me sometimes. Her only comment was "I am sure you worked hard on the floor", and it seemed she said it just to appease me. Of course I let it go. What else can you do sometimes?
Leticia,
Lamictal worked well for my girlfriend to reduce the lashing out and bad symptoms of BP, with no weight gain. She is still left with anxiety and worry however. She has tried Xanax, but it makes her tired. We are going to explore something else for this.
Tanya,
I don't really know cause I'm not a professional, but you may have to leave him again and I know you don't want to see him left out their with nothing, but it may be the one thing that helps him wake up. If you have to too you can get him admitted to the hospital if he is suicidal or maybe you can call the cops on him and tell the cops they need to admit him. It's very hard though because the only way you can force someone to a hospital is if the person does something wrong and the cops believe they need to admit him to a hospital instead of jail. You must tell the police what is going on and convince them to admit him if you can call the police on him if he does something wrong. Other than that I would just keep trying to convince your loved one on going to see a counsler or a pychologist. Don't know what else to tell you, I hope you can figure it out soon and I wish you the best. I will pray for you. Good Luck Friend.
Gunzee,
It is terrible. I feel your pain as he doesn't acknowledge anything that I do and at times doesn't acknowledge me or our daughter. A relationship does take two people however for you and I, we carry the weight.
Tiffany,
Thanks. Much prayer is needed. I can't hae him admitted unless he's a danger to himself or others, which at this time he shows no signs of that, but the last time he tried to kill himself, I knew nothing of it then as well. He is very secretive.
Donna,
I know what you mean. But I am having feelings of "whats in it for me?" at this point. I think the one reason that I am staying is the fact that she will, on a weekly basis, say to me that she knows it is a struggle for me and she appreciated me hanging in there, and on "card occasions" she will alway write something sweet in it that she recognizes the issues I am dealing with. She also told me that she is terrified that I am going to give up on her eventually. But, she doesn't seem to think about fact in situations such as last night.
Gunzee,
At least she does tell you sometimes and even recognizes card occasions. I get neither. I'll get a cheap x-mas gift and that's it for the year. He says that he knows that he is difficult to live with, but it doesn't have to be that way.
Donna,
I am very sorry you are going through this as well. I would love to say "hang in there" and "keep the faith" but as you and I know, this wears thin...
Gunzee,
Thanks. I just need to survive Easter for now.
I would always ask my husband from time to time. How are you doing? Feeling ok? I had a rough day how about you? You look upset is something bothering you? I would try any number of combinations. Just before he left me and was telling me how he couldn't talk to me. I told him I knew it was hard and I know he has said that to me before and that I was always there when he was ready. That I wasn't leaving him and I would always listen. He just got angry and said I wasn't listening and I didn't care about how he felt. I asked how he could think that when I asked him so often how he was doing. Of course I was worried about him. He was nasty and said the only reason I asked him that was for my sake not his. I was only worried about myself and didn't love him. That I didn't know what love was. I had always tried when I spoke to him to tell him how I was feeling and not blaming him for my own emotions. Sometimes when my upset feeling came from something he did before I even started to I would tell him I wasn't angry at him or blaming him and I had forgiven him. It was just I had my OWN emtions to understand and because he is my best friend and husband, the one I turn to to talk to and open my heart to I wanted to let him know that even though I felt changed or hurt I was doing ok and moving on from bad feelings. He ALWAYS took it badly though. Stable or not he would always hear the negative and feel guilty. So I slowly stopped talking about my own hurts and I began to have a hard time telling him how I was feeling for the first time. I was afraid to make him angry and I was afraid of him feeling guilty and becoming depressed. I was afraid he would start blaming me and that is exactly what he did. Now we don't speak at all and it is killing me. He is gone and has been for almost 7 months. Has a girlfriend and tells everyone I am out to get him. Our children are confused and hurt and devestated and he blames me for all of it. Sometimes I feel there isn't any way to speak to him without it becoming negative. I have the kids in therapy trying to find a way to be able to communicate with him. What we say and what he hears is always different.
Perphilia,
I am sorry that you feel bad. It has been my experience that he might leave for a while but he will come back. He may say that you don't know what love is, but he knows that you do and he also knows that he doesn't know how to love you. They are well aware of when they say hurtful things. This is the time , while he's gone, to get in touch with your feelings. In case you din't know you are allowed to have feelings and walking around on eggshells trying not to upset him is not a life. Believe me, I do it everyday. There are times that I wish that he would leave but he doesn't want to look like the bad guy and besides he also knows that he can't live by himself right now so he just isolates himself in my basement and acts like we don't exist and for Gods sake please don't bother him! You have done well with getting your kids into therapy. The important thing for all of you is to know that IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT!!!!! No matter what he says! Hang in there!
Perphila,
One thing Iam learning is that you need to take care of yourself. I deal with the fact that I don't communicate or tell her how Iam feeling. I didn't, at first because of the lashing out (pre meds) and terrible response. Now I do, because I don't have anything to lose, and started looking out for myself. None of us signed up to be a bipolar supporter, and it took a long time to start taking care of my feelings. Now I tell her how I feel, and she says she might as well kill herself since she is making everyone miserable. I just suck it up and realize if she does do something like that, it will not be my fault. If she doesn't like how I am feeling she can get rid of me, and I will move on. (She wont because bipoalr people are super dependant)It took a while to regain my self esteem, not feel co-dependant and realize that if I am not happy, I better do something about it. Good luck, we all need it.
Jill,
Unfortunately it is real. It is also normal to feel anger and resentment toward your loved one. Just be careful not to get yourself so wrapped up in your anger and resentment that you can't take care things including yourself. I sometimes get so overwhelmed with my feelings that I can't get out of bed. I had to tell myself, "You don't have BD, he does, get up and live". Sometimes I have to make myself go in the basement and do laundry even if it does bother him. I can't stand to be afraid in my own house. We are here for you!
Gunzee,
Do you really think that bipolar people are really dependent?
Roy Ann
This is all emotional black mail. My husband early in his diagnosis attempted suicide on two occassions and was hospitalized for almost a year.
He also thought he was God's gift to women and would spend money on ventures and get rich schemes so that at one time he ran up over $40,000 in credit card debt that I did not know about.
What I have had to stress to him (between episodes) is that regardless of what happens during an episode...YOU are responsible.
Each time that things were not going his way, he would threaten suicide. And at first I would give in and do what ever it took to keep him safe. Then I had a very wise counselor (that I was seeing for anxiety attacks that were causing me to be hospitalized) that I could not save his life. If he decided to kill himself there was nothing that any family member, including me, any doctor, or any hospital could to to prevent him from taking his own life. We might delay it a bit, but we could not stop it.
I realized that I had to put this in the hands of God. So when he would make the threat, I would respond by telling him that I loved him, but whether or not he lived was between him and God. I couldn't "save his life".
This did not go well for a while because he would rant that I didn't love him or I would be concerned about whether or not he lived. But eventually, he understood that the threat did not elicit the response that he needed and quit making the threat.
Every situation is different, and being a supporter, does not mean bowing to constant demands. Sometimes it means that you have to hold your ground and not let all of the ranting and raving cause you to change how you live YOUR life.
Jana,
Great advice!
Donna,
From my own experience, and from reading blogs, I do think so. I think the problem is getting them to admit it is the trick. My girlfriend was the first person to say she didn't need anyone. Once the medication stripped away her false reality, she now realizes she is almost comletely dependent on me. She tells me she cant do this without me, and her friends say the same thing. My belief is the disease doesn't allow for humility, and BP's think they are the best at everything and are perfect. This turned out to be more of a defense mechanism, and when all was said and done, she is realizes the truth. She says she would die without me, when not 8 months ago, she didn't even need a boyfriend (post meds)
Roy Ann,
I totally agree with you. Though my husband has never threatened or tried to kill himself, thank god, I have heard that most people who tell people they are going to kill themselves, especially if they do it on more than one occasion, arn't really going to kill themselves and they just want and need attention. Usually, if someone is going to kill themselves they don't tell anyone and that is why most people are always surprised when the tragedy happens. That's just my opinion.
I wondered because I used to wash and iron his clothes along with everyone elses and the I noticed that he started washing his own clothes and wouldn't bring them up for ironing. He would either wear them wrinkled or iron them himself, the latter not that often. It seemed to me that he was tring to show me that he was independent. But, when I told him that I couldn't live like this anymore he told me that he would move out but I haven't seen any signs of him trying to move besides I don't know where his money goes. I get nervous every month wondering if he will have the mortgage. He even made the comment that he was very self sufficient but did he forget that he couldn't buy us a house or even get us an apartment because his credit is shot. He also said that if he had to live with his mother, she would drive him crazy but he still has most of his mail go to her house. Nothing is never consistent in what he says and then does. Independent or dependent you tell me.
Donna,
I think what you are saying makes my point; they think they are not dependant, but the problem is they cannot perform the task properly. Until they understand this, it will continue. Case in point, my girfriend wanted to at least keep taking care of the bills that come to the house. Firstly, she threw away one thinking it was junk mail (late fee, earning, etc.), and secondly, I just got my second AMEX bill, but I found the first one still on her desk unpaid (late fee, warning, etc.). But, she still insists she can do it. The sad part is I was reminding her every other day not to forget to pay the amex bill. She has no forethought about the ramification of paying the bills late, only that she has it in her head hat they can wait, as there are other pressing things to worry about in her little bubble.
Hi, Does anyone have anything positive to say about their bipolar partner. Having bipolar these comments are very depressing, we can't be all that bad surely. I know my partner has benefitted from my ability to get the job done quickly with enthusiasm and tons of energy. If you need any foundations dug ask a bipolar person on a high no problem. lol We are great for moral and are happier than those non-bipolar and for every upside in life there is a downside. To get all this joy must come some pain. Surely we are worth it. Please say yes!!!!
Yes, David, apparently I experience the BPD emotions and I have not been diagnosed as a person with BPD although I have been seeing the same Psych off and on for years. He has helped resolve a lot of issues with hugest of all making me realize that I was actually angry with God and had been for about 30 years. That was a major issue to resolve. However after bringing my BPD 2 daughter home from the Psych ward yesterday and we were watching TV and laying around on my bed talking she noticed that I was in a manic state of mind, hypo manic I suppose. Then I got to thinking about all the times I had felt that way before and how (before emphysema stopped me from being able to do this) crazy I had lived my life at times, really right on the edge of disaster without even thinking about it, just doing it and didn't seem to care at all and trying to take it farther the next time. And it makes perfect sense to me know between this emotions email and my daughter's knowledge and experience of how Manic Episodes go That I have some form of BPD but have always been diagnosed with clinical depression. That explains the 3 ring circus I live in: My daughter, my husband with BPD and myself being the supporter. My husband will not admit he has BPD but I with my experience with others with BPD I could recognize in his actions but blinded to my own disorder. Now my eyes have been opened and I can tell my Psych that I do have manic episodes, just not like my daughter and my husband and he will give me the extra med or 2 I need to keep the mania at bay. So yes, Natalie, while it all seems negative, when you realize what it is and can get help for it there is hope and that is definitely positive.
TANYA, yes there are positive aspects of bipolar, especially the "getting things done very quickly." My boyfriend has the ability to fix almost everything. I don't take any broken appliances to the repair shop anymore - I just take them to him. I (used to) get irritated by people who walk or move slowly. My boyfriend is the only person who complains at times that I was slow - just because he does everything mega fast! Sometimes I envy him getting everything done so fast.
David,
My husband is my bipolar loved one. He is in crisis and is refusing to go to the hospital. He will probably lose his job if he does and he has already spent and stolen most of the money in our accounts. I have the checkbook and his ATM card, but he still seems to be taking money out and I don't know how. I asked him for a divorce about three weeks ago because I have just had it. He asked me for a month to prove himself and he has been in crisis since then. He will not get past blaming me for not supporting him. I talk to him and use the exact phrases that I found on the bipolar website, but it isn't working. He has an appt. with his phycologis next week, but he says he refuses to let me go. I'm going to try and go anyway. I have three children and one is 12 and is having a very hard time with this. I need to protect my children, but at the same time I really do love my husband. I know this is not the man I married. I know it is this disease, but it is destroying me and my children. I don't want him to die, but he says he doesn't trust me and doesn't believe that I love him. I have tried to get his friends involved, but he won't contact them and won't answer his cell phone when they call. Help.
Becky
Tanya,
It is sometimes very hard to say or be positive suppoting someone with bi-polar. Unfortunately it is very tough when there are very few good times, and the rest of the time it is caring for and dealing with the issues, in hopes that someday it will go into submission or something. I think alot of it is resentment, as non of us signed up to be a supporter, and the fact that most of us are trying hard and hanging in there says a lot. It is very difficult for someone with BP to understand how it effects their loved ones. I am putting my own life and happiness on hold, and it took a lot to get back my self esteem after the terrible things that were said (pre meds) that I will not appologize for feeling the way I do. Sometimes we are taken advantage of as well. Case in point, I have my kids this weekend, and I am trying to get my girllfriend involved in their activities. She knew we were all waiting to do something which would take abou 1.5 hours, but she decided to get on the phone for an hour while me and the kids were sitting around waiting for her to get good and ready to hang up. I interrupted her saying we were just going to go at this point and will be back in an hour and a half. Well she got all pissy, and said "can't you see I am on the phone?" The self centeredness makes me bitter. Now I have to appologize for some reason, because she couldn't think about anyone but herself, to salvage the rest of the weekend. So do I have anything positive to say? No.
Hi Gunzee,
Has your partner truly admitted to having this illness. Sorry it is just that 99% of the stress I caused my partner was because I did not think I was the one with the problem. I have had bipolar for 20 years been with my partner for 15 years woke up 2 years ago after another suicide attempt waking up in hospital and really seeing my partner, he looked washed out, drained, the tears rolled down his cheeks and with love he said "I don't think I can deal with this anymore" like a light bulb in my head I knew I was ill really ill and my illness could make me lose the love of my life, in the past I would finish with him cruelly maybe 20 times a year in an episode in a word I was a bitch. But I always loved him, it is still difficult between us because of me but we communicate and I am learning to listen without losing my temper it's hard the paranoid rage within me is like a sick distorted view of reality i.e. my partner hates me etc then we do a reality check together I try to switch to logic not emotion evidence always proves in his favour I am wrong. It is a daily battle but without my partner I am nothing, he is my strength, my sanity. He says the listening me is a million times better and he says my illness is not my fault. People can change for the better I am not saying cured but improved. Like my partner you have stuck it out only love does that no-one wants abuse I changed don't give up hope.
Tanya,
Seems your relationship and issues are a mirror image of mine, almost eerily so. My partner too finally got some help after stabbing her arm, and me moving out. I am obviously back with her. The nastiness has gome away since medication, but the constant drama of her personal issues, stress, worry, etc. is all consuming and is very stressful for me. If we didn't have a business together,as well as a house, I may be long gone, unfortunately. I do pray every day, (even though I really have lost my faith)that she will somehow get back to being the person I fell in love with.
Hi Gunzee,
This illness is a real heart breaker. Thankfully I have stopped a lot of the hurtful stuff for 2 years now i.e. no suicide/self harm, no finishing with my partner. I take my meds even when well Seroquel. Lithium did nothing for me but my doctors kept insisting I take it. Diazepam made me high as a kite and again keep taking it was the advice. My breakthrough came when I got a phych that actually listened to what I was saying and found me some meds that work. My partner and I ran a business together for three years, actually I worked for him as I had probs with other jobs. He was trying to help me. My take was it was our business, it was his, his knowledge, his trade and yet I knew best ha ha. It was a Car Repair Shop - I can't change a spark plug. I hope and pray your girlfriend gets the right help, wakes up to herself and gives you the love and respect you need as a man/human being/father. Get the right doctor/second opinion. Never give up trying to find an answer. It scares me because you two are just like Fred and Me. There are two people, not one - 12 years for me to realise that fact.
Tanya,
Like Gunzee, I too have alot of resentment but unlike his girlfriend who is on meds, my boyfriend is not. I remember when he told me he had BP, but when I began to research the disease and he had found some info laying around the house he went off." You think I'm bi-polar, I am not bi-polar". I wanted to say evidenced by..... but knew that would make it worse. I think he knows but doesn't want to truly admit it. I asked him if had considered seeing the doctor again about his inability to sleep. He said he already had. A lie. Then later he said that he had an appointment with the sleep clinic, well he never went. I don't want him to have a suicide attempt to realize that he is sick, and he is driving me crazy!!!!
Gunzee,
Don't loose your faith.We both need to acecept that they are who they are, we just fell in love with the other part of them and more than likely they were just holding it together then.
Donna,
It is just that dealing with the drama every day is unbearable at times. EVERYTHING is an issue. Just this weekend, I was trying hard to get her acclimated with my kids. She was great with them and they love her, but we were all possibly going to do something in the afternoon, but she gets on the phone for an hour as we are sitting around waiting for her. I gave up and took them to the park. Then I get an attitude. She couldn't put the phone down for a minute to discuss things? Then I am rushing to get mey kids fed, showered, etc. yesterday so I get get them home because she wasn't thinking and got tickets for something on Easter. I heard about this because I didn't ask her to help. She knew what I was doing, and could have jumped right in. She was all pissy that she felt like the "extra wheel". I am close to not putting up with this anymore as my faith is gone. She started on Lexapro this weekend, (xanax was making her to tired)so I don't know if this may now be affecting her. It sure is affecting me.
Gunzee,
You sound so overwhelmed. I think that there is some things that we can count on from our loved ones. One is that they are going to have times that they are totally consumed with themselves and could care less about us.
two, they are going to have "pissy" times. We have to know how to deal with this. Ignore them, leave them or not count on them. They are not going to be the connected people that we want them to be. They may say that want to be a part of the family, but act totally different. I don't include him in anything, that way he can't mess it up. Keep your life, your interests, your sanity.
Donna,
Thank you for your support. I am overwhelmed. Maybe I need to threaten to leave again. That seems to work for a few weeks! Honestly, if we didn't live together and have a business together, I would be long gone. I am disheartened to think that I will live the rest of my life feeling like this if I stay with her. Everyone who knows the situation tells me a I am the crazy one. Nothing seems to make her happy or snap her out of it. If you only knew all of the things she should be happy for (supportive boyfriend, loving family, money, nice house,travel, etc.), you may say the same thing. AHH! I had one more issue to discuss, but I am sure I used up my "appropriate blog quota". Sorry to constantly vent, but if it wasn't for these blogs I would just sit and stew. What does you husband say if you start telling him what bother's you. (I can probably guess)
Hi Gunzee,
I know I am going to be disliked for posting these comments.
With my partner and I we were heading for failure because of my bipolar, moods, spending, irrational behaviour. I think your problems stem from a balance of power. About a year ago I signed everything we held jointly into my partners name, because I abused every situation. Now I have no leveridge, he is the boss. My family thought I was having another episode, a real leap of faith for me. I realised my abuse of finances was a real concern. My partner is excellent with money. Now he has less stress, he looks after me really well. I have no stress financially or power to abuse. You can tell me I am mad, but for me this has worked out.
Gunzee,
Don't worry, people say I am crazy too. My boyfriend usually doesn't say anything. Most recently, he said that he knows that he is a difficult person to live with but at 48 he is not going to change. He said that he would move out by the end of the month, but there are no bags packed. Truthfully, since I did buy a house, I can't afford the mortgage alone. I too have found a sense of release through these blogs especially since I can't talk to him.
Tanya,
I have the house and the credit cards in my name. He still has his own bank account and his paycheck. He would never turn those over eventhough everytime the mortgage is due, I am a nervous wreck because he may have spent the money. I think that he doesn't want to feel totally dependent upon me but in a way he is anyway.
Hi Donna,
Nobody wants to admit to their weaknesses. I did have a real problem with money. I tried and tried to sort it out but I am in some way retarded financially. I am intelligent it made no sense. But it caused so many rows, tears I was indignant. In the end admitting it and realising it was impossible to change giving my partner the power made sense. Scary but a good solution. Money is the biggest bipolar hurdle, half my stress is gone. I make my pocket money selling dolls clothes I have made. My partner are very happy with the improvement to our relationship.
Tanya,
I understand what you are saying I think. We don't have financial issues luckily, even though she has trouble controlling her spending. As far as control, I have no choice but to push her to pay the joint bills we have due to our business (or pay them myself), and I have taken over managing the business we have together. I don't like it, but I have to do it. She can't take care of these things anymore. She ran out of Ambien, and didn't refill the prescription, so she slept bad last night. She takes a pill every night, and knew she was getting low, but didn't do anything about it. I told her to leave me the Rx today and I will fill it. She didn't even remember to do that. I have the "power" through sheer necessity. My issue is the emotional stuff; the self centereness. I am a divorced dad with two kids, a business, and am a BP supporter. I am never asked how I am feeling or if I am having an issue. When I speak up, I am faced with "I might as well kill myself since everyone hates me." She has to drive about an hour and fifteen minutes to a client 3 to 4 times a week. It is not a very tough job, but you think she was carrying a cross, and nobody else in the world has to get out of bed and go to work, and believe me, she is getting paid more than a bag of peanuts to do it. Boo Hoo, but if I called her on it, there would be hell to pay. I work out of the office (home) alot. I get her lunch together, bring her computer and stuff out to her car, make her a quick breakfast. I got her a cleaning lady once per week. I do at least my own laundry, and will have dinner ready for her when she gets home, and I still put in a days work. She has it easy, but still has issues about how hard her life is. Fine, the nastyness is gone since meds, but the ramaining anxiety and worry is terrible, and causes her to basically shut down almost every day.
Tanya,
I think for him it is hard to accept, going frrom being a very successful attorney with lots of money to working 2 jobs with little pay. Sometimes it seems like he wants to have thee financial freedom he once had. For christmas, for instance, he bought all kind of gifts for some of everybody with mine being one of the cheapest, but when it was time for the mortgage, he didn't have it. He just doesn't get it.
Gunzee,
The emotional stuff is bad. I wonder sometimes what makes him think that he can be self centered. The truth is he does, and somhow wants me to believe that it's me. It sounds like you do alot for her. What would happen if she had more responsibility for her own life? Would she go hungry? Would she not sleep? Would she not go to work? Somehow we think that if we do more for them, they would appreciate us but it doesn't and then we are the ones left feeling unforfilled.
Gunzee
Your partner sounds just like me. How enlightening for me to know how my partner must be feeling through you. I hope I grow from reading these blogs and learn to be a better person. I don't like the person I am and it sounds as if your partner does not either. Am glad you have no money concerns. I am doing the emotional stuff to my partner, we are moving soon, it is his way of giving me a better life, he is selling the business, a villa in Spain, no money worries, no need to work - sounds perfect, but all I can do is keep phoning him with my worries, what about this or that. He said to me the other day I wish I had not done this I only wanted to make your life better and you sound like I am making it worse. I know he is brilliant, the best man ever, I have got to stop this. I love him so much.
Tanya,
I too, am trying to learn from these blogs. If you don't mind me asking a few questions, what do you think is driving your worry and anxiety? Secondly, did you fly off the handle in the past for no reason, or for inconsequential things? For instance, I did three load of wash for her and the only thing she said, not even thanks, was "you put the hangars backwards! How am I soppuose to quickly take them off the rod?!! I know this is a symptom, but since you have been on meds, to you still feel this rage, even though you may not explode? The worry, anxiety, and suppressed anger are still issues, in that order. Sorry to pry, but I am trying my best to help her.
Donna,
Sadly I think all of those things would happen. When I left her, she didn't sleep, eat, and couldn't work. It almost cost us one of our biggest accounts. You would think knowing she is really making it tough for me, and that leaving is a real possiblity of happening again, she would think more about things, and other people (me) instead of reacting. I came really close to getting into it with her about the kid situation this weekend, but haven't yet.
Gunzee,
You are right. You would think that she would think about you but it just doesn't happen that way. Deep down they know they would be lost without us but treats us the worst. It's backwards. My boyfriend actually made the comment that if he had to live with his mother it would drive him crazy. Well, he lives in a nice home now and he doesn't appreciate it or me. No valentines day card, no birthday card, no mothers day card and a cheap gift at Christmas. No I love you, you look nice, what can I do for you. Nothing. Some days he walks in the house and says nothing at all to me or our daughter. He says that when he gets done talking with those people, meaning at work, he doesn't want to talk to anyone. You would think that it would kill him to be nice to me or show me something but most days, it's total shut down.
I hear you. My girlfriend came home early from work today. No hello, no kiss, nothing. She came in the house, laid down, started crying that she was so tired, she feels like she doesn't belong, etc., etc. Then I am supposed to cuddle up with her and tell her how wonderful she really is. It is quite nauseating. How much can one person take? I asked her what she is worrying about, and she said she didn't know, but everything in general. So the rest of the day and night it will be a typical "dealing with her feelings" night, talking her down off the ledge. We wont get anything done, so she will then stress about that fact,to compound things even more. It is a very typical day, and a vicious cycle. By the way, I am close to landing a pretty big client and she knows it. Think she even asked ohow it was going, even once, since last week?? No. I know you would have guessed right anyway.
Gunzee,
I know. I hate it when he comes home early. He once said that he would never ask about my day because he doesn't care. Can't get any more plain than that. Anyway, good luck on landing your client. That should make you feel pretty good about yourself. By the way, Easter was the first holiday without drama and disappointment. I wonder if it's the calm before the storm.
I am glad you finally caught a break. We went to a show with another couple. Funny, she was very social, had a good time, very talkative. I am starting to wonder if I am really the problem...
Gunzee,
No, it's not you. I thought that to when he wouldn't say a word to us then one of his friends would call him on his (my) cell and he would talk and laugh, you wouldn't think anything was wrong with him. That's cause he doesn't want them to think anything is wrong with him. Sorta, how he did at the many starts of our relationship.
Ii is amazing, the similarities in everyones stories. it is tragic, yet oddly comforting at the same time. The situation you described may just be the most frustrating issue of all. If they can trun a switch that quickly, why can't they do the same for us, the people who really care. She has a friend, who is no particular friend, who she complains about constantly for one reason or another. Then you hear,"Ok, talk to you later, love ya!" If she can cover the fact that she really has disdain for her friend, then how do I know I am not living in a big lie as well? I would like to think it is not me, but if they know how we felt, do you think they would be the way they way if they really loved us? And how could they think that we would continue to love them?
Hi Gunzee,
I have tried to self analyse why I do the things I do. Sometimes I feel like like is a runaway train happening so fast I don't have time to correct all my mistakes. I unlike your girlfriend cannot work as such, each time has created episode after episode I don't respond that well to meds. I only take seroquel & tranqs at the moment. I call my probs the bipolar altered state of reality. Lets say you say to me "Your hair looks lovely." My brain says you are saying to me "You ugly bitch. What the f*** have you done to your hair." I know this sounds stupid but am aware my thoughts are not real they are my illness. When my partner tells me my hair is nice I just say Oh thaqnks darling no matter what my head says. It is hell. Can you imagine working in an office full of woman with my altered state of reality. I am working on it.
Gunzee,
Their idea of love is really different than our view. We think you don't hurt the ones you love, they think the ones you love are safe so if you hurt them they will forgive you because they know we love them despite themselves. However, you are so right in thinking how long are we going to keep loving them. I divorced my husband that I no longer loved, and my current boyfriend did the divorce. What would make him think I won't stop loving him. The only thing I can think of is because I haven't thus far.
Tanya,
I need to ask another questions, hopefully not too personal. If you were not BP, do you think you would love him just as much, or does the fact that you need his support fuel the "love" factor? I am struggling with this, because my girlfriend is so dependent on me, she says she loves me, but I really wonder if it is because of what I mentioned above, and she is in love with the fact that I am supporting her. Maybe a silly question but you obviously can understand the emotional rollercoaster I am dealing with.
Gunzee,
Wouldn't it be hard to say if someone loves us because they need us or they need us because they love us? I don't believe that my boyfriend loves me, I think that he is used to me and knows me and knows I love him and therefore I will support him.
Hi Gunzee
Just wanted to add this altered state of reality is not a permanent thing. Only when it is. That is how I know it is wrong. Like flashbacks my mind when logical recounts these stupid thoughts and thinks what was I thinking but at the time it is very real. Five years ago I was convinced my mum was trying to kill me. How stupid is that. When high which I mostly am I am the sexiest extrovert going can't stop talking etc. I am lucky my partner loves all of my characters. I tell him when my mind is funny, so he knows why I am moody. He tends to leave me alone then or lifts me out of my bad mood. He is the best ever. Also unlike all the other supporters he does not like to talk about mental health or acknowledge that I have this label. He just says I am unique and hates it when I have to take sleepers he worries about the effects on my body of these meds and wants me to manage without them. I disagree I have the fear of another hospitilisation to keep me popping the meds.
Yesterday morning I mumbled to myself that I actually hated her. Then I realize I don't really hate her per se, I hate the way she is. My problem is I am 40, and somewhere between being too old to deal with this after all I have been through, and too young to deal with this because I may be passing up that perfect someone, which I thought she was. It is sad that I think this way, but honestly, something has to give soon. I am just not strong enough to do this much longer. It is completely physically and emotionally draining as you well know.
Hi Gunzee,
If I did not have BP. Um I am me deep down with or without this condition. He has loved me unconditional through all the sh** He has given me a fair share of it with his crazy ex, maybe he likes crazy women. I don't think so I love him because he is always calm, never raises his voice (had enough of that as a child), surprises me all the time with his thoughtfullness. Without this illness our relationship would only be better, so yes I would still stay/love him with or without BP.
Tanya,
My boyfriends mom feels the same way. She just says thats just Larry. She didn't want him taking meds. She won't admit that he needs them and said she was glad the doctor took him off when in fact he stopped taking them. That's why I can't even talk to her about it. She thinks that he can go back to being the attorney or another lucrative career. She doesn't understand that he is different.
Gunzee, Yes it is draining. But I don't believe that you're not strong enough to do it. You are strong, or you could not have done it. I think that you are strong enough to leave as well. You just have to be strong enough to make the choice. Again, I'll say that I am much better at it now than I used to be because I don't let him consume me anymore. He can go in the basement and I do my own thing.
Hi Donna,
I understand why if you love someone you don't want them to take meds. You want to believe he/she is still that successfull capable person. I was like Larry successful career at 19 was working as an oil co exec earning a £25k that was 20 years ago. Now I am on benefits and realise that I still have the intelligence with a huge cog in the works which messes with my personal relationships, say the wrong thing, act inappropriatley, sadly am aware what I do is wrong but have difficulty stopping it and then it is too late, people look at you differntly and you know why. No wonder BP people cry and their loved ones are pulling out their hair.
Donna,
That's what I struggle with. If she goes in the basement and I do my own thing, what is the point of staying in the realtionship if that happens frequently, which it would in my case? I am really taking a hard look at what is keeping me here. I know someone reading this would say "just tell her how you feel or what you want" but as you know it usually doesn't work that way.
Hi Gunzee,
Someone said love is blind. When you love someone you can be blinded to their faults. You need to be honest with yourself and your partner. I mean really honest you owe it to yourself and your partner. You have only one life, live it well and be true to yourself. With or without BP people can be mean and moody I think even with the illness, even at my worst moments people still knew me the real me deep down despite the stress. There was a remnant of me that people still loved although I did not always see it.
If your partner did not have BP would you stay? Or could it be other factors in your life, stress with the business, you need help in some other way and are not getting it. Be honest with yourself. Love yourself. I just think it is awful you feeling like this and sometimes people pick up a lot even if it is unsaid.
Tanya,
I would say I would stay with her if she was not BP. I am pretty independent; I run the business with no help, I am a decision maker in all aspects, and finding "companionship" wouldn't be a problem. Therefore, since I am not co-dependant (altough it seems it!) I am not staying for any other reason that I know there is the person I want under this BP veil. Unfortunately I am wondering how long I can tough it out waiting for the person I fell in love with to emerge.
Gunzee,
I struggled with the same thing however, I don't consider us in a relationship , at least not the kind of relationship that you think of. Would I leave him if he had a physical illness that impaired him in the same way. If I had a physical illness and needed help, I would hope someone cared for me. I have accepted that I'm never going to have what I want in this situation and I never know what the next situation may bring. I guess I have used all of my get out of jail free cards but it sounds like you still have one left. Take care of YOURSELF!! Before it's too late.
Hello to everyone:
I have been getting caught up this AM in reading everyone's blogs as my daughter has been the center of my attention trying to keep her somewhat stable until the meds can help me with it. She was just in the Psych Ward on suicide watch but she has no insurance so they patched her up and released her. But anyways I am writing this to all of you that are trying to understand why you loved one(s) with BPD act as they do. My daughter wrote a bit about it when she was in a hypomanic episode, which led to her Manic Episode and being admitted to the Psych Ward. I posted it on here once but I see we have a lot of new people (new names to me, anyways) so I thought I would post it again exactly as she wrote it and hopefully it will help some of you understand. FYI: She is 21 y/o, BPD diagnosis about 8 years ago.
A Bi-polar?s Definition of Bi-polar Disorder
Written by Kathryn Moore
You never know the disease that plagues you because it only makes you act like a suicidal asshole in other?s eyes, but really, you are trapped in a prison worse than any man?s hands could ever create: Your own mind, inescapable and no chance of parole. The Bastille is Heaven when compared to the cell in your own head. Remember this forever!
By Kathryn Moore,
Forever Kathryn Moore,
But Never Kathryn Moore,
Or what I want Kathryn Moore to be?.
This is how she feels no smooth coat just blatant truth. I hope it helps some of you understand.
HI
I really appreciate all of you sufferers/supporters writing out there every day.
I am really struggling to understand why my boyfriend keeps leaving me for other women (in his manic phase, telling me he never loved me and generally being horrid. I don't think he will come back this time. His thoughts seemed so clear when he left...so planned.
I really appreciate you sufferes sharing what you are feeling at these times, if you can. I for one really WANT to know, I NEED to understand...even if I only ever remain his friend; he will never be alone because there will be one person looking out for him. Thanks all of you...the more the better!!
Jill,
If you read some of my posts, you know I have been struggling as a supporter. The best thing that can happen is getting him to admit BP, and then finding some meds. My girlfriend takes Lamictal, some xanax, among others. It is not a cure all, but a lot of the terrible syptoms of BP have been greatly reduced. She was never promiscuous behind my back,but she had terrible anger (throwing things, stabbing her arm with a knife), overacting to the smallest issue, saying terrible things to me, acting like she was better than anyone, spending a rediculous amount of money, etc., etc. She is left with anxiety and constant worry, but the really bad syptoms are gone. We are working on the reamining symptoms. Remember, it is not your fault, which took me a long time to realize. If he is truly BP, he NEEDS HELP. It is a terrible disease that cannot be underestimated or taken lightly. I initially left my girlfriend, and it was this traumatic experience that forced her to get help, because her mother took her to the hospital, where she was finally diagnosed. Again, getting them to admit to BP is a huge, necessary step. If he is gone, all you can really do is suggest he gets help. If my girlfriend did not get help, I couldn't even remain just friend with her. Let me warn you, even with help it is a constant struggle every day dealing with BP. So you can either count your blessings, or if you truly love him, convince him to get help.
Jill,
Gunzee is right. This is not a picnic. They do cheat sometimes but some men without BP cheat, how would you deal with it then? The best thing is for him to get help and then hopefully the cheating will stop along with some other things. If he really left, meaning not coming back, tell him he needs help and move on.
Thanks for your help...he is on meds but I guess not the right ones!
I secretly saw his doctor last week. That took a lot of courage! he told me that if my boyfriend did not tell him the truth, then it was very difficult to prescribe the correct medicine. I agree...I just wish that I hasd seen his doctor sooner!
I don't know what will happen now. I don't think he will come back this time somehow. He hides behind his mother, who becomes his alibi (which makes everything ok), while I am left in isolation! Which is how I always feel.
I do love my boyfriend but I also know that without him, life would be a lot more simple, less stressful and my heart will mend....what a terrible and destructive illness. You are right Gunzee; it is not our fault but the confidence you lose is incredible and I can't help feeling like the victim, when really, I am not. He is. It is so hard!
Thanks everyone
Jill,
Hang in there. It is not your fault and you did the right thing. I only wish my boyfriend had a doctor I could talk to. He left because that's what they do, but this is not a road that I would wish anybody go down. You have done what you can. I'm proud of you. You are a magnificent person. Don't forget it. Live, girl, Live!
Gunzee, I'm new to this blogging stuff, but I've followed your comments ever since I started this. When I first read that you were about to give up your faith, I totally understand that. You wait and wait and wait. You do everything you have been counseled to do. But she doesn't change. Gunzee, if you give up on her, and on yourself, and on the advice of people like Dave who have lived through it, too, and then finally give up on God, What do have left? What are your choices? Are they choices you can life with? Like if you leave her for example. There will be some relief, but will there be remorse because you love her? Do you really want to leave? Only you can truly know within your heart if you are REALLY honest with yourself. You have a life, too, after all.
I am diagnosed as a bi-polar and I have put my husband through some horrendous things. And there have been times when he has wanted to leave. But he loves me, he really does. And I absolutely adore him. When I am in a manic episode I don't get happy, I get mean, hostile, and fly into a rage that has the potential of being dangerous. He has lost many friends because of me. He has even relocated because he knows it would be best for me. Has he wanted to leave? You bet. But he doesn't. He always tells me that God gives him what he needs to stay. God tells him that I am His gift to my husband...go figure. What does Bill do? He believes that nothing is impossible with God. What else does he do? He prays and prays and prays because prayer is the open door that God wants to use to come forth to do His works. Is it because he feels God is so close to him? No, but he doesn't have to see to believe. He knows God is a good God and God never gives up. So he prays for me, keeps loving me, keeps vigilant that I'm doing all I should do to stay stable: meds, exercise, regular good diet, and good sleep, and therapy when needed. His faith in me and in God keeps me plugging away and keeps me believing in myself. I don't feel worthless any more or like a witch who should be burned at a stake. I don't know what your girl is like. I only know what I am like: rages, suicide ideations, jealousy, etc. BUT because he is loyal to me, I am taking responsibility for my own well-being and working to stay stable. I do not want to hurt him. And most importantly, I pray, too, constantly. For I know I have THE FATHER I can really brag about who can do anything. So don't give up your faith in God. Pray and do all you can to draw near to Him. He promises to draw near to you. He loves you. Marni
Marni,
Your comment to Gunzee is very inspiring to all of us who struggle with the flee or fight senario. It is very difficult to stay it is also difficult to leave. We love them so much. I am greatful to hear from others as yourself to let me know what really going on in my boyfriends head since he rarely talks about anything especially how he is feeling. Keep praying for all of us.
Thanks, Donna. I was thinking that maybe what I said sounded sappy. If it lifts your faith and spirit, awesome!! And it's real. Bill and I do believe very strongly that God is for us in every way. One thing I think is really important for a supporter is to try to find out when your BiPo is really in an episode, and when he is actually in the habit of using it as an excuse. Bill started out as an enabler, but as he gained knowledge, and as he watched me, he started to figure this out. As he did, he did what any enabler has to do. He had to stop enabling me. This takes a lot of stress off of the supporter. I would hope that this would encourage all of you supporters who are so incredibly stressed, emotionally drained, and ready to quit, to explore through info. like AlANON, supporters for alcoholics, or info. for co-dependents on how to break that cycle, etc. Enabling is enabling regardless of what the disorder may be that the loved one has. And this, the enabling, is what makes the supporter feel victimized by his bipo loved one. This is survival knowledge for supporters. As a BIPO, I can tell when I really just want to use being Bipolar as an excuse to avoid responsibility or some other thing I want to avoid. Remember, Dave said that the Bipolar person is a person, and the disorder is the disorder and how important it is to separate the two. He also said how the disorder is a manipulator...and it is. And if the bipo sees that it works, that distorted thinking part of him will continue to use it. If your bipo won't take meds or admit to the disorder, there is nothing you can do except learn how to not be used by setting boundaries. It doesn't mean you love him less; it just means you refuse to get sick with him. You need to stay in touch with yourself and protect yourself. If you both get into distorted thinking, down goes the ship and in comes the emotional overwhelm. As the bipo, I'm not always happy when Bill doesn't pandy to my moods, but I respect him for it. And I have to say, when I am not in an episode, we have a fantastic love relationship and we are very best and loyal friends. When I am in an episode he is learning to do damage control keeping me in a safe place so I don't hurt myself or someone else. He has visited my therapist and my psychiatrist to set up a help network, and to get professional info. about the probabilies of recurring episodes and what the episodes entail. That way he doesn't cast blame on me for what I simply cannot help. One thing a supporter has to be EXTREMELY AWARE OF is that this disorder is a brain-chemistry problem more than an emotional one. How can one help his messed-up brain chemistry? It's like a thyroid disease or diabetes. If off of meds there are dire consequences. This is also true for the bipo. So it's important to see the full picture. He has to work to forgive me sometimes because I cost him a lot, and that's when the rubber meets the road. That's when he has to remember that in an episode I am NOT IN CONTROL. But it is also not the "in the right mind" me, and he is learning to separate the two. God Bless. Marni
Marni,
Thanks for the inspiration. I am a realist and do not really get into religion. My "faith" is a very touchy subject, and I can go into the whys of things, (why to children get cancer, what did I do to diserve this as I am a good person). I am a realist. God didn't come down and stop the blade from going into her arm last year. I have prayed to God and I am still in the predicament. So taking religion out if it, I am not sure why I shouldn't give up supporting, as I deserve better in my ife. I will not play the codependant Martyr, with eulogy that says, "well at least he supported her and gave up a lot in his life for her." Sorry, I feel bad for her and others with BP, but I am tired of being crapped on for many reasons, and it has nothing to do with God.
Marni,
It would be easier to forgive and to separate the two if he took some responsibility and at least get on meds to make it managable if not for him then at least for appreciation of me. Thanks for the help.
Gunzee,
I am sorry that you feel this way but remember, you don't have to do anything, neither of us has to. You can choose to leave, it's your choice. I sincerely hope you find happiness and most of all peace of mind. Remember us that are still choosing to stay. Enjoyed talking with you.
Hi Gunzee, I get it, believe me. I had the same kind of questions as do most who are looking at things in a realistic way. It only makes sense. But God gave man free will. Most of what you see, ie kids getting cancer, Your girl sticking a knife into her arm, and many other tragedies are not resultant of God's hand moving or not moving. Many, many times He tries to warn people in advance of dangerous things they are doing or situations they are putting themselves into, and they don't listen. It often comes through a deep uneasiness within them that they put aside. Also, if there is good in the world, there is also evil. Good and evil are not just concepts. They are actualities. Not everything in this creation is created, ruled, and destined by the hand of man. God has saved my life more than once. And believe me, HE alone is the only source of that protection. Before rejecting the goodness and the desire to protect of God, consider the works of man: i.e. polluted food sources for example that have proven to be carcinogenic that people have eaten for years and have given their kids, think of the dire effect of second-hand smoke on the children who live in homes where cigarette smoke is a constant hazard; think of the lack of wisdom people use everyday from the time they get out of bed to the time they go bed, so they talk on cell phones in all kinds of traffic and cause accidents; think of our polluted waters; think of the contaminated foods we eat from the sea;etc. Then think of evil: such things as people who serve forces of evil; that is real, and being a realist rejecting such things....well, it doesn't change reality in general. It just changes your reality. And finally, unbelief blocks God. There are also natural flaws because humans are natural creatures, therefore, abnormalities occur such as messed up brain chemistry, addictive genes, deformities, etc. So many things. God either heals, delivers, or strengthens. and in the case of a faith believer, often receives them into His hands to ease their suffering. So, Gunzee, realism can also embrace God and realize that He can only do what faith and obedience allow Him to do. He will not violate free will, and He does all He can to protect us unless we block that. Your girlfriend is where she is for many reasons that are not caused by God. Seek what those reasons might be...and know that He will help you when you're ready. And that help may not come in the form you want it or expect it. That is why He is God and we are not. He is infinite, we are finite. He sees the whole picture, we see a tiny part of the picture. I was where you are. I like the fact you are so honest. And, Gunzee, I know that your life with your girlfriend is unrewarding, painful, draining, and it puts such a stain on love, that love can die. So I'm not in any way telling you what to do, to stay or to leave. As I said to you before, your answer is in your heart already. Acknowledge that, and then decide accordingly. You move me in your honesty. Just know, I am for you. Marni
Hi Gunzee, I get it, believe me. I had the same kind of questions as do most who are looking at things in a realistic way. It only makes sense. But God gave man free will. Most of what you see, ie kids getting cancer, Your girl sticking a knife into her arm, and many other tragedies are not resultant of God's hand moving or not moving. Many, many times He tries to warn people in advance of dangerous things they are doing or situations they are putting themselves into, and they don't listen. It often comes through a deep uneasiness within them that they put aside. Also, if there is good in the world, there is also evil. Good and evil are not just concepts. They are actualities. Not everything in this creation is created, ruled, and destined by the hand of man. God has saved my life more than once. And believe me, HE alone is the only source of that protection. Before rejecting the goodness and the desire to protect of God, consider the works of man: i.e. polluted food sources for example that have proven to be carcinogenic that people have eaten for years and have given their kids, think of the dire effect of second-hand smoke on the children who live in homes where cigarette smoke is a constant hazard; think of the lack of wisdom people use everyday from the time they get out of bed to the time they go bed, so they talk on cell phones in all kinds of traffic and cause accidents; think of our polluted waters; think of the contaminated foods we eat from the sea;etc. Then think of evil: such things as people who serve forces of evil; that is real, and being a realist rejecting such things....well, it doesn't change reality in general. It just changes your reality. And finally, unbelief blocks God. There are also natural flaws because humans are natural creatures, therefore, abnormalities occur such as messed up brain chemistry, addictive genes, deformities, etc. So many things. God either heals, delivers, or strengthens. and in the case of a faith believer, often receives them into His hands to ease their suffering. So, Gunzee, realism can also embrace God and realize that He can only do what faith and obedience allow Him to do. He will not violate free will, and He does all He can to protect us unless we block that. Your girlfriend is where she is for many reasons that are not caused by God. Seek what those reasons might be...and know that He will help you when you're ready. And that help may not come in the form you want it or expect it. That is why He is God and we are not. He is infinite, we are finite. He sees the whole picture, we see a tiny part of the picture. I was where you are. I like the fact you are so honest. And, Gunzee, I know that your life with your girlfriend is unrewarding, painful, draining, and it puts such a stain on love, that love can die. So I'm not in any way telling you what to do, to stay or to leave. As I said to you before, your answer is in your heart already. Acknowledge that, and then decide accordingly. You move me in your honesty. Just know, I am for you. Marni
Hi, Donna, You are so right. If he won't take his meds, what can you do? Nothing, or maybe seek advice from a professional counselor just for yourself. Probably you've already done that. And he still won't comply and what you've been counseled to do hasn't worked. The one thing my husband emphasized to me when I was in my "right mind" was that he would stay with me, support me, and do all he could to be educated about the disorder and what he could do to help me, AND he made it clear that even if he loved me it would become necessary for him to leave me if I didn't help myself, too, by listening to my doctor and therapist. Believe me, that last thing I wanted was therapy. But I complied and it did help. She was knowledgable about BIPO, and was a good counselor. There are a lot of bad ones and ignorant ones out there. But I knew my guy meant it. And I knew he wouldn't come back. I also knew that God would back him up because I would have been acting in a selfish and rebellious way, damaging everyone else around me. It was extremely difficult for him, but he said he wouldn't stick around to watch sabotage myself and maybe let the BIPO destroy me because of my own rebellion. That sobered me up pretty fast because I knew it wasn't a ploy on his part. It shaped me up. There are times when I still doubt the diagnosis, and a time when I did wean myself off of the meds. Within a few weeks I was having huge panic attacks, great fear of being alone, and getting into a manic stage mixed with depression. It was something my doctor said 70% of patients do. I said I wasn't working anymore so much of the stress was gone from my life. Within 24 hrs., I made an emergency call to him and got back on meds ASAP. I've been hospitalized for six weeks and in two out-patient programs, and I sincerly listened because I hated what I experienced in an episode. Like I said before, I don't get the euphoria and the "good stuff". I get fear, rage, all kinds of negative scary stuff. But in the groups I was a part of, I met so many people who did not want to take their meds, and who would not take their meds. One, they liked the high of mania. Two, they liked the attention. Three, they didn't like the side effects. Four, they liked being on disability without responsibility and hanging out constantly in programs while the government or the insurance company paid for it. It was very disgusting. All of the reasons were selfish and negative. So I hear you when you say it would easier to separate the two if he would at least take his meds. While he isn't, he isn't letting you see the one who is suffering from the disorder, and is refusing to take responsibility to manage it. That, Donna, is not your fault, you can't fix it. You need to do what you can do for yourself and not "get sick with him." God bless and I AM praying for you as you asked. Marni
Marni,
His reason was, they weren't working anyway. Is that a horrible excuse to quit treatment all together or what? When we have a headache, tylenol doesn't work for everybody! Anyway, thanks again and I try to remind myself not to get sick with him everyday. Continue prayer always.
Will do, Donna. God Bless. Marni
Tanya, I saw that you and Gunzee and Donna had a lot of dialogue going on, but you haven't been on lately with your experience and perspective as a Bipolar. I'm a Bipolar also, and I just kind of threw myself into the mix. If I was intrusive, I really apologize. Your steps of management are so good. I second them. Marni
Hi Marni,
Just wanted to add that you may be wrong about the people you have judged. I was on 1000 mg of Lithium every day plus tranquilisers still had all my symptoms plus stomach problems and felt like a zombie with those meds impossible to work not unless I was within 2 seconds to a toilet ha ha. Also I have not given up, I have tried carbamazapine 600mg still the same, and many others. I and I am certain others agree am not happy to be on benefits as now 40 have worked until 2006 that was when my symptoms got worse. Don't judge everyone each person has their own demons to deal with and it is difficult to know the ins and outs for each person.
Hi Tanya, The difference I hear in you is that you want to manage your life and the disorder and you keep seeking and trying. In fact your list of steps to take to manage the disorder is so awesome. The people I am describing are the ones I personallly saw and listened to every day all day long for about 8 weeks at a time in three different treatment centers, one of them being a hospital. Once a day we rotated to other groups, and I met some of the most intelligent and wonderful people who were so inspiring. The treatment centers not just for Bipolar Disorder. I was admitted to them for other things that put me into precarious situations from the time I was three, maybe younger. In every center, patients were assigned to groups, we couldn't choose one, and that meant we all got to know each pretty well. I saw what I saw and heard what I heard, I heard what the leading counselor would say, and who was really interested in listening. What I said is harsh in retrospect, and for that I ask you to forgive me. I've been on different meds, too, trying to finds the ones that worked the best, and insurance benefits have definitely kept us out of the poorhouse. Thank God for the financial help we can get from whatever source. For people who truly want help and who listen to those who can help them, be it for disorders, abuse, any kind of history, I have so much admiration . And those who do not, who are players and want to live as victims in order to gain whatever they gain from it, I have little patience. I think I really need to work on that. Any person who read that blog that sounded so judgmental, and it is, and is offended, I am so sorry. I'll be more considerate in the way I phrase things. The last thing I want is to hurt someone else by my attitude or my words. Again, I am really sorry, Tanya. Marni
Donna, I need prayer, too. OK? Please put me on your list.Marni
Hi Marni,
Don't worry I guess it is the guilt talking I have been hospitilised too the last time in 2006 I have also been forced to attend crisis centres and I have met lots of different people I just saw how the meds although necessary have left them with poor functioning skills the side effects are terrible. We must live the best way we can and for me I feel I am unable to work as my triggers are easily set off I do not wish to be hospitilised again. I also have emotional instability disorder a type of PTS. On a positive note I am trying to find ways to manage financially from home as I believe this is the only way for me. I have written my first novel and I make doll's outfits both activities are very theraputic for me. You just have to find something you can do to make YOU happy while battling with the side effects and illness. Love you all. Also to all you supporters. Please leave your BP alone for at least an hour upon waking as this is my worse time due to meds affecting the next day. I have to motivate myself to keep active and feel irritated/drugged upon waking. Other people's comments do not help me at all. After an hour can deal with the outside world quite well. Love you all :-)
Tanya,
My girlfriend is struggling with the mix of medications as well. She started with Lamictal and Effexor. The effexor was terrible and made her either extremely depressed (go figure) with suicidal thoughts or unbelievably anxious, almost hyperventilating dealing with daily issues. She went on Lamictal only, and the really bad BP symtoms have subsided as I have mentioned. She tries xanax and is now on a daily does of Lexapro in order to help with the remaining anxiety and worry symptoms, which have been tough to tackle. She feels OK with the Lexapro after a few days, but now she needs a xanax and an Ambien 5mg to fall asleep. We may try Ambien 10mg and bag the xanax. She is very disturbed about having to take medication (she hid my own Buspar a few years ago) so we may try some additional psycotherapy at this point. I do see a big change when she sleeps about 8 hours, and if she gets to exercise. I don't know if it is psycological for her or she really needs 8 hours but she seems a bit better. Her Psycologist was recommending an "alternate therapy", but wouldn't give us a clue. He said it was effective but hard to believe, and we had to schedule an appointment (at $275 per hour) just to discuss it, as he couldn't go into it in the 15 minute "medication check" sessions that we go to. I am very skeptical,but we may just try anything at this point.
Gunzee
Hi Gunzee,
Hate to be a skeptic too but have receivied tons of therapy, we are lucky in the UK to have the NHS all free. Have you read my prior blog on coping stategies a lot have found them useful. Sleep is the most important though as you have gathered as well as exercise. I try to go for a walk every day natural endorphines etc. I think you need to find your own coping mechanisms and it sounds like you have that down pretty good. It is a shame that a bipolar supporter cannot experience how these meds make you feel - guess that is why I hate mornings it is like thinking you need to do stuff and not getting past the thinking about it phase, then getting irritated with yourself that you have not done stuff and taking it out on others around you and so the circle goes on. Here's to you and your partner - hope you make it through to getting more from each other and your relationship love you all:-)
Hi,
Has anyone tried out the lightbulbs that simulate daylight? I have read some research that said that artificial light effects our sleep patterns. They did some research and found it helpful for bipolar sufferors. I spoke to my psych about this and I think he thought I was mad. I have resisted trying this as the bulbs are quite pricey. Has anyone else tried this? If anyone has anything positive to say about this I will definately give it a try. I did a mood chart for 6 months and can definately say that episodes always followed a period of sleep deprivation. Love you all:-)
Tanya, I appreciate your acceptance of my apology. And I can say I needed the heads- up. Talking in generalities is never a good idea, so I'm sure you were meant to comment back to me. I know I'm very fortunate that if I have reactions to medications, they aren't too bad. Once the right meds were found, the trick became to find the right doses so that I didn't feel so lathargic all day or other side effects. By temperament I am a spontaneous person and the only time I've ever been able to follow a routine was when I was working. I'm now retired and I have to say the worst episode I have ever had was within the first year of retirement. Being a night person, I was having a great old time watching late night TV and ended up with day/night reversal. That was the beginning of a really hellish year thereafter. My poor husband went through hell with me and as I've shared before it was only his relationship with Christ that gave him what he needed to stick it out with me. Through that relationship he gained enough stability himself to be able to research really deeply all of this, and to talk to my psychiatrist and therapist. He also talked to my therapist for help for himself. What I've learned over time and more therapy than I ever care to repeat, is much of what you have shared: regular 8-9 hours of sleep a night, it takes that long to re-energize and for the effects of the night sleeping pills to wear off, right? And that first hour really is a trial. Exercise, my biggest hurdle yet probably is the next most important thing necessary for any disorder for management. I have to work every single day with routine. Thank the Lord my husband is extremely scheduled, and as I follow him along the way, especially at night and go to bed when I should, I have more success. But it is a constant battle for me. I don't know anything about the light bulbs. I think it is so fantastic that you have completed a novel. Have you submitted if for publication? You sound very gifted in the fine arts area. I wish you tons of success getting a home business off the ground. I thought I would be a Spanish tutor via the internet tutoring programs. I taught English and Spanish in high schools for 18 years. But my husband said to wait on that when we first moved here, because I'm now with my girls and grandkids a lot. Sure enough we spend a lot of time together practically a bit of every day as we've always been close. I babysit my 3 grandboys A LOT. But still and all, I need something for me. I know I'll find it because God doesn't want me sitting around just focused on my own little world. It's really helpful to have found this blog. It is so interesting to see the posts of others, both supporters and the ones with the disorder(s)(We usually have more than one, right?). I am learning a lot, and HOPEFULLY, what I've shared so far has been helpful to someone out there. Anyway, I really understand the things you share. Glad to have met you because of it. Again, thank you so much for accepting my apology. Marni
Hi Marni,
I really wished you were a bit closer by as I really need to learn Spanish, learning a new language is such a challenge and my pronounciation is terrible. I am moving to Spain later this year. So much to think about. I have an agent for my novel so I guess it is a waiting game.
You sound like such loads of fun I bet your grandchildren love to spend time with you. I have gained a lot from chatting with you. I hope we can be internet friends. Love you all:-)
Hey, Tanya...Would love to be internet pals. Fun Nonni? Yea, maybe so. I can still get down on the floor and wrestle with my little extroverted 2 yr old. I let him mess with my hair and stuff. I don't have a lot of boundaries when it comes to play, but it turns to very firm when he gets out of line. I think he likes me. As for the other two, a 14-month old and a 7-month old, oh my gosh, I am a goner. They know their second home is here with me (Nonni) and Papa. Our move from west texas to north texas to be with them has been the answer to years of prayer, because I greatly disliked west Texas, and I longed to be with my kids. One son is about 3 hrs. north of us, and the other 3 hrs. north. My Mum's here, too. Now about you. Do you have a hubby, kids, a supporter? Do you now live in the UK? I think that's what I read. My paternal great-grandparent left England on the same boat in the late 1800s and didn't know each other at that time. Somehow they separately migrated to Colorado, and they finally met and married. Ironic that it took them such a distance from the boat to find each other. Anyway, my roots are English and I long to visit Great Briain. I'm intrigued with Scotland. It's been a good background for the gothic novels I like to read. Have you used any language systems to learn Spanish? If not, I suggest the Rosetta Stone system. It's a little pricy but it works, and it has great aids for pronunciation. You have a mike and repeat into it what the native teacher says. The program tells you how you did. So it rates you and gives you chances to improve. It is an amazing system. I'm sure their products are online to check out. I'm hoping to learn Italian through that system. But who am I going to talk to for practice? Well, I can talk to myself as I do talk enough for two people! I'm an introvert, but more social than most. When I feel drained from "being out there" because I do like people, I retreat to home and hide out.. My husband calls it going into my cave. Around that vicinity of the Mediterranean, I would love to see Greece, Israel, Iraq (our son served there for two tours of duty). Italy, France, much more for the architecture and the history than for anything else. I lived in Mexico for awhile as part of a Universty of Arizona exchange program with a school in Guadalajara. Gorgeous place to be, and being young and impressionable, and having the love of my live from there, well, I did NOT want to return to the states. But Thank God I did. Anyway, back off of the rabbit trail, every major language is included in the Rosetta Stone program line, and should be online to check out. I want to use it myself to learn Italian. I love all of the Romance Languages. I truly pray God will answer the publication of your novel with great favor with the powers that be. I'll be praying accordingly. What's the story line? I am really interested to know what kind of novel you would write. Please describe it too me. I read way too much as evidenced by bookcases throughout the house filled with my book collection. I have a whole case of them I haven't even read yet, and I get excited just looking at them knowing that one by one, they'll get read. The whole library here at home is filled with both fiction and non-fiction. I'm also interested in politics. I can't believe the ridiculous childish stuff going on between two candidates running from the same party. It's dismal. Luckily, I belong as a member of the opposing party. I don't know if you follow such stuff. I am somewhat following the heat in England over the increasing numbers of radical Islamists. Bad news.I'm getting the fuzzy-looking film hovering over the keyboard letters. That's the Ambien kicking in. Sometime I'll have to tell you my Ambien/meds/and rage trip. Funny now, but incredibly dumb then and dangerous. Talk about distorted thinking!!! Bueno, que Dios te bendiga mucho and mantengate sano. May God bless you very much and keep you well and whole. Hasta pronto. Marni
Hi Donna and Gunzee, Have been keeping up with you. Donna, I don't know if I could bear to watch such a professional and gifted man to lose so much because of not functioning correctly in his profession and being so dysfunctional even now. And your kids. How I feel for them. To see him now, geez. Gunzee, I'm glad your girlfriend seems to have found at least some relief from this combination of meds. I'm so sorry she disappointed you and your kids. When kids are involved, it's really so difficult because you want to shelter them and try to give them as normal a life as possible. My kids have always told me what a happy childhood they had and how I've always been there for them. We are so close, and I think that is just a miracle. I do worry about my son, though. I'm thankful my kids are now grown, but I still feel so flawed as a Mom, especially now that I'm actually living so close to them. They witnessed the fallout of the rage I poured all over my Mom recently. I finally had the nerve to call Mom to apologize, and she just kind of wanted to push it under the rug and wanted to just go on from here. I pushed the conversation a bit to get her to see that during a manic or depressive episode or even hypomanic, the thinking of the disorder sufferer is that person's REALITY at the time. To a support person who thinks logically it is so hard to grasp how the "logic" of a person in an episode can be so twisted. As a BIPO, I've seen others take a couple of different paths. They deny it or they go to the other extreme and feel so guilty they feel hopeless. I know I always feel like I have to apologize for even living,,,,seriously, because I feel SO bad. As Tanya said, You can remember just enough to know pretty much what you did. Like I remembered some of what I said to my Mom, but not all. What I did remember was vicious and furious, and I couldn't believe I had spoken to her that way. So for both the support person and the BIPO it's a very eery, very precarious and very trying life. But the other path to achieve a good and pretty normal life is if the BIPO will just get willing to accept what is needed for that to happen, a proper treatment plan that he or she deliberatly follows. The complicating factor is that I suffer even more from Generalized Anxiety Disorder. I feel a pounding heart, a big lump in my throat, and feeling of real foreboding and that I'm going to lose control. There's no preceding event that causes these times. They just sneak up on me. I've found some ways to lessen the number of them, but I have to take an anti-anxiety medication that acts immediately. Often a BIPO also suffers from other disorders that have to be diagnosed and treated correctly. That's why I feel so awful for both you and Donna. People with disorders are incredibly difficult to deal with and it takes a LOT of love or at least determination to stick it out with them. So far you have both had that under the most trying circumstances and I admire that. As a BIPO, I'm even grateful for it. But if you end up leaving them it's understandable. It's just that you must consider and remember that "this is not the life we signed up for!"either. God Bless. marni
Hey Tanya, I went back and read ALL of the comments posted and in doing so I learned the answers which I should have already read to know you have a partner and your Mom and that HE is moving you to Spain. (Why Spain?) I obviously didn't read all of the comments before. As I posted Donna and Gunzee, I was thinking about you a lot and what you have shared as a BIPO. Thank God there is someone out there who "gets It" because of walking pretty much in the same shoes. It's a comfort to come here to blog because I seriously will not talk about this to anyone who does not need to know. Having relocated, I haven't met anyone yet, just been with my family. So far, no therapy. I'm avioding it like the plague because I'm so tired of it. After that incident with my Mom, my husband is watching me like a hawk, kind of intrusive. But it's good. It keeps me accountable. It's just annoying because I feel like I'm under a microscope (sp?). That last blog was incredibly long. Sorry about that. It was a lot to read. Sometimes I'm too chatty and sometimes I hardly say a word. Last night was a chatty night. Will keep it shorter. Hope to hear you're doing well. Marni
Precious@51 I'm responding to your post of awhile back about your anger and acting out and the anxiety you also experience. You asked if anyone else experiences these things. I want you to know that yes, I experience the same things so you're not alone. I act out a little differently, but it's all the same stuff. Marni
Marni,
I appreciate your sentiments for Donna and me. It is a struggle every day, but what keeps me here in the end is that my girlfriend understands that it is a struggle for me, and at least knows what is going to trigger her feeling down. Trying to figure out how to not have the triggers happen is a key, such as drinking, or avoiding people who make her angry or frustrated. She used to go out a lot socially with friends. We did Saturday night, and she had a few drinks, and felt terrible yesterday. Not hungover (she didn't drink much) but it was enough to cause her to be irritable most of the day, then terribly tired. Feeling "down" like this triggerred the worry, anxiety, and crying once she went to bed. I once again had to talk her down (or up) She told me she loved me very much before she went to bed. She knows having even a few drinks does this, but she is finding it hard to give up her social experience. I dont sit on pins and needles waiting for her to get home because of her outbursts, I now wait on pins and needles to see if she is anxious or down because I know I need to dig deep, and turn it up a notch and try to help her. God forbid I had a bad day, I am not allowed, or there would be trouble.
I am tired of venting, but multiply the last paragraph by 365 days and that is my life.
For marni:
There are lots of people on this Earth who have Bi-polar, me included. I just, last week, went to take my daughter to her and my Psych. He had some time before his next appointment so I took the slot and found out that after 8 years of off and on visits to this Psych I was indeed a bi-polar. Before I starting therapy with this Psych, I would just go to a regular MD and I saw this same doctor for several years. I was diagnosed with clinical depression, anxiety, and panic attacks. In the email David sent yesterday (Sunday) he said that sometimes people are a lot older before they are diagnosed with BPD because it takes time for observation and to build up a history in order for a proper diagnosis (I am 54 y/o) so I was diagnosed sometime around age 49 - 50 and I had been regularly (every other week) visiting my Psych to help me deal with other issues, such as being mad at God for several years because my Mother died at age 45, my husband died at 35 and the suicides of 3 of my brothers. I made peace with God and I felt a lot better but when something happened that thru me into a manic episode I thought it was a combination of anxiety and panic. I worked in a market research company for a long time. Started at the bottom and worked my way up to being senior management, I only had 1 boss, and my body responded to the stress of my last promotion with severe migraines. If only I had known I was BPD then I believe things would have been a whole lot different because I loved my job. So, by all means, do not feel alone with this disorder because it is more wide spread than anyone could ever imagine. Good luck and my Prayers sent for you.
Helen
For Gunzee:
I have found this Blog to be very helpful and therapeutic for me as I have BPD, my daughter has BPD and is currently manic and was just in the Psych ward a couple of weeks ago, And my husband (my daughter's step-dad) is BPD, as well, but doesn't want to know anything about it. So I can't make him understand what he is doing to my daughter sometimes when he gets manic and I am the peace keeper. Talk about a 3-ring circus! David Oliver is the best thing that has ever happened for me: The info he provides every day and this blog where I can vent and none of my BPDs know what I had to say! What a blessing! Use it like I do, a silent Psychiatrist! And I do not have the words to express how thankful I am to David.
I appreciate the opportunity to learn from all you people - whether BP or supporters. thank you one and all!
Marni,
Thanks. It is hard since I am used to him being a certain way, looking a certain way and of course having money. I think that he is somewhere in the middle the last few weeks. Can someone explain to me this thing about his clothes. He washes them everyday, never folds them, sometimes hang them up and doesn't iron them. I used to iron them and he came upstairs and got them before I ironed them, like he didn't want me to iron them and he will even wear them wrinkled. I used to fold them and put them in the drawers in the bedroom, but since he's been washing them himself, he'll either leave them in the basket or put them in the cabinets in the bathroom in the basement. Although I try not to take things personal but I feel like he's telling me that he doesn't want to be grouped with me, like the basement is shis apartment and I'm not invited so don't touch his things. I also don't understand his obsession over basketball, his lack of interest in sex and his lying.
I'm 27 and have been going thru what I knew to be manic anger episodes almost eveyday for about 2 yrs. Getting a job brought out more. My marriage is seriously in trouble. I know I'm very hard to deal with and tell people that know of my problem I wouldn't want to live with me. My husband dosen't fully understand how Bipolar makes you and he tries to cope with me but it builds up in him to where he wants to leave me because he feels I just don't love him because I'm never happy and yelling and griping all the time. I've started meds but there not much help. I practically had to do my own BP research and I have 2 friends with it and take info I gathered and shove it in the pschiatrists face to get them to listen and diagnose me properly. Anyway my life is spiraling downward out of control and I feel alone in this, so any one out there with some support or just an ear I could unload on sometimes when no one else understands would be wonderful.
Hi Misty,
I went through many years of hell like you to get the right diagnosis. Even after diagnosis it continued I know how you feel. All I can say is hang in there, it does get better, do anything you can to alleviate even tiny stresses, avoud alcohol/drugs and do what ever you can to get plenty of sleep, even an afternoon nap if possible. I am always here if you need to chat. Take care. I am also BP.
I would advise any bp supporter to do something that builds up inside you because of "unfair treatment", but something harmless like hacking up logs with an axe, just to vent your frustration! It helps me sometimes. Also, if you are alone, allow yourself a really good cry. Regularly going to a gym is the ideal, but not always possible. I am a serious Christian, by the way! Love you lots!
Misty,
If you have read the blogs, you know I am a BP supporter. Like you, my relationship was in big trouble, and I felt the way your husband felt. As a supporter, we also need support. If you really love your husband, you NEED to sit down with him and show him the hundreds of blogs to help him understand what is going on. You also NEED to tell him, on a daily basis, that it is not him, and you love him very much, that you appreciate him etc., etc. The feeling of being unloved is the worst thing as a supporter. The daily focus is 99% on the partner with BP, and that needs to be shifted somewhat if you want to save your relationship, in my humble opinion. Good luck.
Gunzee
HiGunzee,
Sorry if I seemed somewhat negative in my comments to you in the past. As usual I jumped to my own conclusions which invariably are wrong. I am so happy you seem more able and positive to see things through and that your situation is improving. I know you will someday return to that happy place from where you started in your relationship.
Hi Gunzee,
I am having a bad day today. I woke up this morning and it hit me. Because of loving him, I don't feel loved, because of loving him my daughter and I will not experience a real family, because of loving him I won't get a second chance at marriage, because of loving him, I will live from paycheck to paycheck not accomplishing anything, because of loving him, my life is one big April fool's joke that will never go away. Ever had one of these days?
Donna,
I honestly feel like you do about every other day, wondering why I love her. Yesterday was one of those days. I was suppose to put another deposit on the house we are having built. I was feeling so bad, I didn't deliver the check, thinking I was at the point of bailing out. She made a miraculous turn around last night when she realized I was having a bad day. Today seems OK so far. It kind of sucks that our happiness usually revolves around our BP person. I am at the point of having nothing to lose so I am really thinking of laying it all on the line soon. What is the worse that can happen; I save 10k and find someone who is not a drain on my life? Hang in there, and I will try to as well, as every day is a dice roll for me. I wish I know the secret as to why I stay. What is really in it for us????
Donna,
I honestly feel like you do about every other day, wondering why I love her. Yesterday was one of those days. I was suppose to put another deposit on the house we are having built. I was feeling so bad, I didn't deliver the check, thinking I was at the point of bailing out. She made a miraculous turn around last night when she realized I was having a bad day. Today seems OK so far. It kind of sucks that our happiness usually revolves around our BP person. I am at the point of having nothing to lose so I am really thinking of laying it all on the line soon. What is the worse that can happen; I save 10k and find someone who is not a drain on my life? Hang in there, and I will try to as well, as every day is a dice roll for me. I wish I know the secret as to why I stay. What is really in it for us????
Gunzee,
I know. Honestly, I don't know what's in it for me. Thanks for the encouragement though.
Hi Gunzee, This is from Mar 21. Alcohol and meds don't mix well at all. Even as a Christian I never felt it was wrong to have a drink like at a restaurant, for example. I finally had to completely stop because it just threw the entire cycle of what the meds were to supposed to do off kilter. It wasn't easy to break that mindset of dinners out or friends out equaled a drink or two. (I do NOT believe one should get drunk, though; it ends up making a fool out of you). Now I automatically order club soda and lime amd it actually tastes great and refreshing and I don't have the "buzz" which I didn't like anyway, just the taste. So I pray your girl can get that connection out of her system. The other thing is that you are so right to emphasize how extremely important it is to give your SUPPORTER support when you're in your "right mind". It can't be overdone either. The more she tells you how much she appreciates you, loves you, and tries to do things for YOU, the more rewarding and encouraging it is to you. You feel like there's some partnership there after all. The other thing is that if you're not already doing so, you need to get out and be with friends and not discuss this, but just get your head somewhere else. Or do something that is just rewarding for you, breaking for even a short time your responsibility for her and for your kids. I feel for you, Gunzee. If you think it would help her, you can show this to her. This is what makes my husband know that I really, really love him and cherish him for sticking it out with me when I exit my "right mind" for awhile. Take care, Marni
Hi, Helen: Just want you to know that our disorder(s) experiences are so similar. I was always diagnosed with clinical/major depression, also. When I was an in-patient in 86, they tacked on sever anxiety and PTSD due to childhood trauma. Now it's General Anxiety Disorder (bad news because it's still scary). Even my therapist who looked at my DMR-IV test results didn't believe I was BD because it only indicated depression. At the time I took it I was DEPRESSED. Go figure. When she saw me go through a HUGE manic episode last year, she totally knew that I had received a correct diagnosis at last from the last psychiatrist I saw. I, too, therefore, was diagnosed later in life. Maybe it's better though that I didn't know while I was raising my children. It would have colored everything at that time. I cannot begin to imagine the total despair and anger you must have experienced while those tragedies were occuring in your family. It is overwhelming just to hear about them. How you made peace with God is a miracle, and one I truly praise Him for and am glad with you that you feel better. He was definitely not behind what all happened, the evil one was in my opinion. I hope you feel the great LOVE God has for you every day. Thanks so much for sharing. God BLESS you. Marni
Donna, the only thing I can think of that MIGHT explain all of your husband's behavior and his isolating himself, is that he just doesn't feel worthy of you. You have seen him fall from a pretty great height, and he has become dependant upon you for where he lives. He may not exhibit this because he feels like he just isn't the man he used to be or wants to be, but he can't admit that. It would demean him a lot in his own eyes. So I think maybe he's not rejecting you. Rather he feels he doesn't deserve you. All of this could explain the clothes thing because left to his own self-care maybe he doesn't care. As far as sex, all of this could be reflected in the bedroom. If he's depressed that's a definite "normal". I stress that I DO NOT KNOW this is the case. It just seems like a possibility to me. He may need you, but resent the fact that he does. What do think? Does this make sense to you?
Blessings and prayers, Marni
PS, Donna, Basketball could be his "safe" place, the place he can most easily escape to for awhile. You think so? Marni
Hi Johanita, It is so good to see you when you blog with us. Exercise is so important to anyone with a Disorder because of the natural healthy endorphins that are released and because it oxygenates the brain which the brain needs to function correctly. When I was in my last two out-patient clinics (I do hope and pray they are my "last"), the therapists explained and emphasized so very clearly all the brain chemistry involved in disorders. I learned THE FORMULA they taught: Negative thinking leads to negative emotions which if indulged in long enough lead to an episode. Through the church I've learned a lot about positive thinking through faith and affirmations through the Word. Also from the clinics and especially from my own experience of healthy thinking when I'm faithful to this. But the mornings are difficult because facing a new day can lend itself to negative thinking. Also triggers which in my experience are just something we can't control. I don't know if you know what we mean by triggers but it doesn't matter. I feel a kinship with you because I am an extremely imperfect, VERY imperfect but deeply committed Christian, and I love the Lord Jesus with all of my heart. Because of Him I'm still alive, so I cling to Him with all of my might. It's so good to know you share this. Blessings, Marni
Hi, Tanya, I've been thinking about your upcoming move to Spain. I wanted to share something with you. I lived in my previous city for about 16 years. Among our circle of friends and acquaintances over those years I began to be seen by them as flaky because I would take on responsibilies and then dropped them because the stress would just take me down so badly. I wasn't yet diagnosed with BD, but they had seen me go through a major bout of depression. Depression is so much more accepted by society. But BD is still loaded with stigma because of the term manic-depressive which is still remembered and used, and because of the great ignorance about the disorder. But you already know all of this. When I became more and more "wierd" they formed different attitudes towards me, especially my pastor who couldn't run fast enough. The church is incredibly ignorant about mental disorders. Anyway, the thing that has relieved me the very most is everything in my new home is fresh. It's like a clean slate to write on what I want to. No one knows me here except my family, and I am incredibly much wiser about who I share personal info. with. Now that I'm rightly diagnosed, I can do what you do, following the steps you do, right on, and not trust myself easily to others. The reason I said in one of my previous blogs that I don't talk to a soul about this is because of the ignorance (which isn't their fault), misjudgements and my growth in wisdom. I don't know if you want a clean slate, but it has boosted my heart enormously and in fact, I am much better!!! Before our move, I was rapidly heading into another trip as an inpatient to a hospital. I am no where near that now. Just thought I'd share this with you. My husband actually stumbled upon Dave's website a long time ago, but I never checked it out until now. Having this place to blog and people who are inside the experience whether a survivor or a supporter is so good for me. Til later, Marni
Marni,
It does make sense but the strange thing is that he's right. He doesn't deserve me not because of his "fall from glory" but because how he treats me now. I don't know of too many women that would have put up with him now that he isn't high and mighty but to add the BP thing on top! He should kiss the ground I walk on!
marni,
He once said that baskeball is keeping him alive. The other day he left out of the house and our daughter asked, "where did he go, something to do with a ball isn't it".It is very frustrating to hear him on the phone laughing and talking to his friends about basketball and he has said 2 words to me in 2 days and that's "I'm gone"
Marni,
you mentioned that this may be what's going on with the clothes thing. That part doesn't make sense. If he doesn't care then why does he insist on washing them himself and not having me iron them eventhough its less work for me to not do them. He jsut has his clothes everywhere. Left in the basket or thrown on the chair opr in the bathroom than having them inside his drawers in now my room. It's like when he was living alone and he had them thrown on a table when he clearly could have bought a dresser. He just has stuff everywhere. I stopped cleaning it up because it seems like he resented that too. Now he's back to just walking in the door, going straight to the basement until he leaves for work. If he wants to do for himself, why won't he wash a dish or take out the trash. It is so confusing.
Donna,
I was just reading your last post, and found a similar issue with my girlfriend. She says she wants to do things for herself (such as the wash)and stop relying on me so much. She appears to be very concious of stuff left around; when it comes to my stuff. A pair of shoes on the floor by the bed, and I will hear a comment. However, as I sit here typing, I am looking at her two coats that have been hanging on the railing in our living room for days. Not to mention the two laundry baskets of clean clothes (of hers) that have not been put away yet. Yet she was telling me yesterday that my closet was disorganized. There seems to be a double standard. Just an update- I agreed to let her stop working a current full time client contract, so she can deal with her issues, and get more involved with with the creative aspects of our business, give her more time to sleep, exercise, etc. I hope it works. Of course I laid out some ground rules, so lets see how it goes, and see if she can follow them. She came to the conclusion that it was working at a particular client's site that was causing her to not be able to focus on getting better, and she was feeling overwhelmed. My fear now is that she will just overwhelm herself with other things instead. Hopefully this isn't a catch 22.
Hi Donna & Gunzee,
Just wanted to add my two pennish worth. For me, reducing my work burdens and responsibilities really helped me and I am grateful to my partner that he took a lot of pressure of me. This is not a cop out I really think bipolar people like me are easily overwhelmed and cannot cope with the same workload as others do. With this help received by my partner I am much happier, calmer and have less triggers/stress. I think when you love someone as I do my partner you will always do what you can it is knowing your limits that keeps everyone sane. Love you all :-)
Gunzee and Tanya, I know about getting easily overwhelmed, but just don't have an attitude about it. Gunzee, my boyfriend complain about anything. It could've happened a day, a week or a year ago but if could complain about me and our daughter he will. I can't believe that he complains about our daughter's room who is 9 and the basement looks like trash. He even tried once to pay the bills, but that only lasted 2 weeks max. Now he just gives me the money for the mortgage. I think that he can only focus on one bill. His car insurance has lapsed and he didn't even get his plates renewed for his car. But he will buy all sorts of basketball books, videos etc. I wish he could just tell me that this is what I am able to do and this is what I am not so I won't resent you for taking care of them and throw in a few I love you's too.
Donna, You are right having bipolar is not an excuse for bad manners and double standards - your daughter's bedroom etc. I think your husband can improve loads it just takes a lot of effort. I always have bank charges etc through poor money management I know it is only a short time but for three weeks have stuck to a budget which allowed me to pay off all charges and not incur any more. I think I just have to say to myself THIS IS IMPORTANT YOU CAN DO IT although I have stopped using cards/cheques too confusing and easy to forget and check everything daily. Am so proud of this I have set an unbelievable goal (if you knew my track record)and achieved it. I just need to stick to it. It is brilliant your husband pays the mortgage. If thoughts count in this world you are in mine and I wish your husband gives you the respect you deserve.
Tanya,
You are right, he could improve with effort but that's just it. He doesn't put forth the effort if he did he would get on meds and would be in therapy. He knows that it is difficult living with him but instead of doing something about it he just says "this is the way I am and I'm not changing" which again makes me feel that he doesn't care about us. Yes, he pays the mortgage but there has been times that he has waited to the end of the month and then says that he doesn't have it because of some stupid financial indecision that he made and they end up taking it. So, I can't count on it either and ended up taking out loans to cover all the expenses. I just refinanced the house and the payment is lower but all that did was made him resposible for less while I still have the same expenses.
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