Ever have these emotions with bipolar disorder?
=>PLEASE FORWARD TO FRIENDS, FAMILY AND LOVED ONES <=
Hi,
How's it going?
Hope you are doing well.
Yesterday my blog was broken.
For some reason, every now and then
it just breaks down. Sorry if
you were trying to read or post on it.
It's back up now.
Hey guess what?
I am actually going to a meeting
in New York City today.
Before I leave, I want to talk about bipolar
disorder and negative emotions,
which might surprise you, since I'm
always so positive.
But there is a negative side to
bipolar disorder, as you know.
But if I do talk about the negative
side, you know I must have a
positive side to go with it, so just
bear with me and we'll get to that.
Let's take a look at the negative
emotions first, some of the
emotions you've felt, whether
you are a survivor or a supporter:
anger, fear, guilt, hopelessness,
helplessness, resentment, sad,
cheated, worried, frightened,
and many other negative emotions
these are just a few that come
to mind.
If you are a supporter, then let's
just be honest. I'm sure you are
feeling now, or felt in the
beginning, "I didn't sign up for
this," or something like that,
unless you knew from the
beginning that your loved one
had bipolar disorder.
If you have bipolar disorder, you
may even be feeling the same
way. You may be feeling just as
confused as your supporter that
you are feeling such negative
emotions.
Does it help to know that these
are just NORMAL?
Maintaining any relationship is
difficult in itself without adding
bipolar disorder to the mix, and
then even more so by adding all
the negative emotions to it.
For supporters, it's almost worse
than for the survivor. You didn't
ask for this. You may be thinking,
"This is not MY illness," and yet
you must live with it day after
day.
The emotions this thing
stirs up can be horrendous.
Yet, as a good supporter, you
have to keep these emotions
inside of you.
Keeping all this stuffed inside
can build up and make things
worse with your loved one,
because unless you talk to them,
they have no idea how you are
feeling. And if they don't know,
they can't do anything about it.
In my courses/systems, I talk
about how to communicate
with your loved one and go
into things you should say
and not to say, both when they
are in an episode and when they
aren't:
SUPPORTING AN ADULT WITH BIPOLAR DISORDER?
Visit:
http://www.bipolarsupporter.com/report11
SUPPORTING A CHILD/TEEN WITH BIPOLAR DISORDER?
Visit:
http://www.bipolarparenting.com
HAVE BIPOLAR DISORDER?
Visit:
http://www.survivebipolar.net
But the main thing I want you to
know is that it is normal to feel the
way you do. I've talked to many
supporters who have shared with
me the same thing, and they thought
they were alone, too, as you probably
do.
Well, you are NOT alone!
And it's ok to feel the way you do.
The point is, what are you going to
do with all these negative emotions?
You can keep stuffing them until they
simmer inside you and boil over like
a hot pot of water and eventually
spill over onto your loved one.
That's your choice. It's a negative
choice, but it's your choice.
You can talk to a therapist about
it. This way at least you are getting
these emotions out and talking to
someone about it. This is a better
choice, but still not the best choice.
The best choice is to wait until your
loved one is not in an episode,
and hopefully in a good mood, or
at least in an open-minded mood,
and talk to them about your feelings.
Make sure you use positive statements,
affirming, supportive statements,
like, "You know I love you, but?"
or "I've been supportive throughout
this whole thing, but?"
Then your loved one will be more
likely to listen to what you have to
say, without getting angry or
defensive.
For those of you who have tried
this method, I'd love to hear
from you, as I'm sure other
readers would.
I'd love to hear some
success stories, so let me know
what has worked for you.
I am off to my meeting in New
York. Talk to you later.
Your Friend,
Dave
===>> Great Resources For You <===
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Don't forget to take a look through the
different programs I've put together... each
one is designed to help you with a different
area of bipolar disorder whether you have it or
you are supporting someone with it.
You can see them all and get the details by visiting:
http://www.bipolarcentral.com/catalog.asp
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information for you:
http://www.bipolarcentral.com/supporterblog/
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posted by David Oliver @ 7:25 AM
361 comments
361 Comments:
Your newsletter today hit home and gave me a lot of food for thought. I've probably never chose the correct time to bring up my feelings with my daughter and I've discovered (I think it is part of her illness) that I can start any conversation with, "You know I love you, but . . . " or "I'm really struggling with this right now and it's not you, but my reaction to your illness . . ." And all she hears is the negative, the "but". I wonder sometimes if I will ever be able to convince her that I do love her and care about her. The last time we communicated (by letter) she accused me of thinking that she was a bad mother, a bad wife and a bad person. I've never said any of those things and have always tried to encourage her without sugar-coating things or ignoring her illness. At this point the only communication we have is when I send a positive card or a letter that is just chatty and asks NO questions about what is going on. It breaks my heart that we have no relationship right now and I blame it totally on the bipolar. Staying positive in the face of this can be difficult - but I know there is hope and I won't give up on her. Thank you for your blogs, newsletters and articles. I can't begin to tell you how much they have helped me to begin to understand this horrible illness.
i think your post are very impotant
your office is a few miles from where i live
i am trying to enlighten my dad though your email so thank you you have been a huge help most people think that having bipolor is just a bad mood or a happy mood and that i will get over it if they only knew better i have been sending your emails to my dad to make him more aware of my illness thanks again
WHERE IS YOUR NYC MEETING?
WE HAVE THE NY MOOD DISORDER SUPPORT GROUP SINCE 1981.
I'M PART OF THE LONG ISLAND CHAPTER.
WOULD YOU COME TO SPEAK AT OUR MEETING?
SUZAN
WHERE IS YOUR NYC MEETING?
WE HAVE THE NY MOOD DISORDER SUPPORT GROUP SINCE 1981.
I'M PART OF THE LONG ISLAND CHAPTER.
WOULD YOU COME TO SPEAK AT OUR MEETING?
SUZAN
I have bipolar disorder and thanks to this newsletter subscription, one month ago I decided to go back on meds. I am on a new drug which actually works and the difference is night and day. Thank you for motivating me to talk to a doctor and get on medication. I never want to put my son through what your mother put you through. I have a job now, paying my bills and even saving money. Without seeing how bad it could get, I never would have made that step. Thank's again Dave
Hi, I have been bipolar since I was 19, now 40. This is how I cope:
1. I am lucky enough to have warning signs of an episode, normally marching in my head.
2. I tell everyone I know I think I am about to have an episode, please bear with, disregard anything I say or do.
3. I double up on all my meds. Lithium did nothing to help am now on Seroquel a miracle drug for me and tranqs.
4. Sometimes it helps to minimise all stress, so I cancel out all social activities, meditate, isolate myself, like weathering a storm and wait for it to end.
5. Keep all emergency numbers close at hand in case my thoughts become suicidal. This is rare as the tranquilisers I take at my first warning signs cause me to sleep.
6. If I keep highly medicated all of the time the tranquilisers don't work, so I use them like a fire extinguisher only in emergencies. The Seroquel by itself keeps me stable day by day by allowing me to get sleep a valuable tool for bipolar without it I will get really ill.
7. I am now completely drug and alcohol free. I used to drink alcohol to cope to knock myself out as I could not cope with the racing thoughts as I am a rapid cycler. I have learnt alcohol is a big NO NO, it promotes suicidal thoughts and self harm - don't do it. Use the tranquilisers prescribed by the doctor and always get plenty of sleep. Sleep deprivation creates really bad episodes.
Love you all. Hope this helps.
Tanya:-)
I'm bi-polar and so is my husband. I ,oved back into my parents house with my two youngest children, see my doctor, take my medications, and volunteer at a church as a secretary. My husband (soon to be ex) is an absolute mess. He will not be honest with his doctor, does drugs, won't take meds, is paranoid and agoraphobic. Untreated, bi-polar disorder can be more painful than a long drawn out cancer. Treated properly, you can have a great life!
Today was a good newsletter for me. I understand about all the negative emotions - BEEN THERE. I have also tried all the positive comments because I was trying to build up my boyfriend's self-esteem long before I knew he was Bipolar. We are broken up now. He has a new girlfriend, one who doesn't have a clue that he is Bipolar!!! Anyway, I wish I had access to all of this info a long time ago - before it was too late. To Tanya, on today's Blog, thank you for listing the steps you take to cope with the Bipolar. You seem to have gotten your life under control. Oh, yes, my former boyfriend refuses to go to a doctor or take ANY meds, so the battle is really a WAR! Thank you, Dave, for your continued help & support. CArol
Like Natalie, I am now (only) "in touch" with my daughter my email or regular mail. Its a start.
Two years ago (before diagnosis) she announced I was no longer welcome in her sphere of existence. Somehow, all that is, has been, or will be wrong in her world, is my fault.
Not seeing my Grandchildren breaks my heart.
Just like Natalie's daughter, If I said "I love you, but...", she would jump all over the "but" and spew forth nothing but ugliness.
Dr. Phil (I know, but she watches him) says that when you say "but", you are telling the listener to disregard what you just said. (not a direct quote!)
Might I suggest, "I love you, and" as an alternative?
When the "but" they expect, doesn't come, maybe it will surprise them enough to listen?
I don't know...have a great day.
Lori
Tried it. Not very satisfying because all he says is, "I know I'm hard to live with". And the beat goes on.
HI DAVE.
I AM A PERSON THAT IS LIVING WITH BI-POLAR DAILY. IF I CAN HELP YOU, LET ME KNOW. I HAVE GO THROUGH HELL IN HIGH WATERS. I HAVE BEEN MARRIED 20 PLUS YEARS AND I AM VERY YOUNG. MY HUSBAND HAD TO GROW WITH ME LEARNING TO DEAL WITH MANIC DEPRESSIVE BI-POLAR.. LET ME KNOW WHEN YOU ARE READY FOR REAL , REAL , CLEAR DETAILS OF EPISODES.
David, please write more about rages as a symptom of BD. When I read about your mother's rages, I clicked what my husband was suffering from.
Hi
My wife has Bipolar disorder. when we were married we didn`t know about it. Since we`ve known and i have become her supporter it has actually been a relief for me now I know why we have or should I say had money problems. We don`t have much but at least we are cought up and arn`t faceing shut off notices and such. She even tried to kill me one night. So now that we both know about it and she is stable we tackle this together through sickness and health .
chuck
I wanted to say Thank you Dave, not only for your emails but for giving me the opprtunity to read others experiences and advice as well. I think the " and, instead of, but" is a wonderful idea. "but" is an ugly word. You can also try writing letters. I was in an episode, and I isolated myself in my daughter's closet(we have a house full which makes it 100x harder to deal with b/c I have to hide it) and my boyfriend wrote me a letter of his feelings, started and ended it with some really nice words and reasurance that he loves me no matter what and he is here for me always. He folded the paper and wrote "please dont rip up" He opened the door, I told him to rot in hell and he gave me the note. (you could wait too) I would have probably ripped it up if I didnt see it written, I decided to read it. I cried for about a half hour, then I kind of felt like it woke me up from the episode. My shame kept me there a little longer but then I gave in, found him, and fell into his arms. I wouldnt try it too much though, I know if he did it everytime it would lose its meaning. Good luck and hang in there!
Still waiting on an email on some ideas how to convince someone to get help and keep in mind it is easier to convince a woman than a man
Roy Anne - I would be very interested to hear some of your clear details of episodes
Johinta - I go through the raging with my son, it is exhausting and draining. He goes on and on about the same thing. He refuses to take the right meds and admit that he has a problem. When the raging starts it can last for 1-4 hours or all day and the same things said over and over that you have heard a million times before. I am also blamed for ever wrong thing or bad thing that has happened in their life
I can really relate to the negative feelings as a supporter. I am dealing with a mother, a daughter and a son all with bipolar, my mother I have been dealing with her bipolar for about 22 years now and somedays she is better but for the most part she is so hard to talk to, I really have to bite my tongue to have a conversation with her and usually end up so frustrated that I just want to hang up. My daughter right now is doing great, she is a senior and this school year has been the best for her yet, a great way to bring her high school years to an end, I am so glad for her. Now my son is a different story, he was just recently diagnosed but I have been dealing with this for at least two years with it getting progressively worse, he refused medication and treatment but about a month ago asked me to make an appointment and has started on meds, which we all know take a while to work and then sometimes may not work and have to start over or increase dosages ect. Anyway the most negative thing for me is I have been doing all I can to help him, have been supportive, been spending most of my time with him, basically just going out of my way and my life revolves around his and what is so hard is when he is so mean to me, (i don't think he realizes it but) He just grumbles at me when I ask a simple question or even if I offer to make him something to eat, sometimes I just want to sit and bawl because i feel like nothing I do is helping, so it is easy to feel sorry for yourself on this end of the spectrum, I am not bipolar but do suffer from depression and anxiety, so that even makes this harder, because the more I feel rejected by him after all I do the more I start feeling depressed, but I know I have to keep up with what I am doing because it could be a matter of him being successful in controling this disease or not. I know people with bipolar can't always control there manic episodes and there mood, but one thing they should make sure they do when they are not in an episode, it make sure you show your supporter(s) how much you really do love them and appreciate them for all they do, which I am sure alot of you do, as my daughter does, and I am just hoping that someday my son will, it is just so hard to have to go through this with him and watch him suffer and feel so helpless!
I can really relate to Melissa. My boyfriend is so mean, but he does it passive aggressively. I feel so un appreciated eventhough there is no telling where he would be without me. I never know what is going to bother him and most of the time he acts like I am the problem. I agree that when they are able, the number one thing they should do is show their supporters how much they appreciate them because we don't have to do this!
Sandi,
i wish I knew how to convince someone to get help. You are right, a man feels like they can handle it on their own. The only thing is they can't see that they are NOT handleing it at all. All they are doing is making everyone else miserable. Please share if you find out.
My emotions are different. I have felt that God has a certain irony. I was not supposed to be able to get pregnant because the eggs were not making it thru the fallopian tubes. I marry for the 3rd time, after my 2nd husband having a massive heart attack, who has the worst type of BPD - undiagnosed and untreated and he is the one who gets me pregnant passing this mental disorder on. I have always felt sorry for my Baby Girl to watch her have to struggle with this disorder. I knew nothing about BPD or even that her Dad had the disorder and that it could be genetic as well or he would not have been her father. But I guess it was meant to be and now she will have to struggle with this for the rest of her life and all I can do is Pray for her to do what is needed to stay as normal as normal will be for her because I can't be there every day of the rest of her life to be sure she does. I was mad at God for a very long time and it took a Psych to help me figure that out. So now I feel differently about BPD and the more I learn, the better I am able to help her but I am in the final stage of emphysema and my prognosis is a few years before the emphysema causes me to die from Congestive Heart Failure. Sorry this sounds so negative but this is my heart on my sleeve today and the pain it feels.
Melissa,
Is your son a teenager? If so, I would be willing to bet at least some of what you are dealing with is Bi-Polar exacerbated by hormones! My son's worst time with Bi-Polar to date was during his teens. His meds were adjusted frequently and he had to be hospitalized once just to get things under control and to give us a break. I also suffer from anxiety and depression tendencies and am on medicines for both, but when my son was at his worst, my medicines just couldn't quite deal with it unless the dose was so strong I couldn't hold my eyes open. Fortunately, now that my son is 21, things have come under control for the majority of the time.
Angela,
You could be right, but in my case, my boyfriend is 48 and sounds a lot like Melissa's son.
Since my son was a very small child, I observed that trying to deal with any behavior while in an episode or even when the Obsessive-Compulsive disorder he also suffers from was really bothering him, was pointless. He simply couldn't process anything until his mind settled down. Once that happens, he is very receptive to suggestions made in a non-confrontational manner.
Donna,
Is he under a time of particular stress, say financially or with a job or other issue? I also find that my anxiety depression often is worse when I am sick or have gotten too tired.
Donna,
I can relate. I get the passive- aggressive thing from my husband who sometimes wonders if he has Bi-Polar, but most of the time denies it. He always blames me for everything that is going wrong as does my son. I think they feel I am the one person who will still love them and stick with them no matter what. When they are calmer, I do let them know that even though I want to always be there for them, that I have needs and feelings too and can only take so much before I have to take a break and go away for awhile. I did tell my husband once that if he didn't start using medicines so that he could keep on an even keel, that even my love would be turned to stone. That time he did get on meds for about 6 months.
David, I agree and have felt all of the emotions you stated, especially the fact that I "didn't sign up for this." Unfortunately, the goods modds are cherished, and the last thing I want to do is to bring up my feelings at this time, as we are too busy making up for all of the crap. I don't want to cause an issue., and I want to cherish the good times. My strategy is that I usually bring things up when she says "I know you are having a hard time with me, and I am making you miserable." (which happens a lot) Because I get this window of opportunity I run with it. It aint easy, that's for sure.
Gunzee
Angela,
Yes he is a teenager, (16) and I guess I had contributed his moodiness and denial to take responsibility for his actions and his downright meaness to everyone to him being a teenager, but then thank god he realized he was not happy or when he was it didn't last long, he described it as so up and down and asked me to get him help. Actually sometimes I think it was easier just relating to him being a teenager, now that it is more than that it has become more difficult, because know i have to try to decipher if he all of his actions are from the episode or is he using it as an excuse to do what he wants, for example this past weekend I was to pick him up around midnight and when I contacted him to come get him he said it wasn't over yet he would let me know when he was ready, well I fell asleep and woke up about 1:45 and of course he had not contacted me and was not home, so I got ahold of him to find out he was at Sheetz with his friends getting something to eat, which as I am sure you know is not acceptable by any means and he knows that, he has never done this before so it made me wonder if he was trying to get away with it because of the bipolar and figured I wouldn't get mad at him at the risk of upsetting him further, or was this just part of the bipolar episode that he is going through. I was really hurt that he did that because like I said I have been doing EVERYTHING for him that I can, beyond what I need to or sometimes want to and then he pulls this, I guess I need help in dealing with this and deciphering the behavior.
If you have any good advice I will be glad to hear it, also I am glad your son at 21 is doing well, that gives me hope!
I am a bipolar supporter and have been for over 20 years. My husband is a rapid cycler with minor or moderate episodes weekly or monthly. He also has major episodes that usually end with him being hospitalized for up to a month every two years. This is even though he religiously takes his meds, sees the phychiatrist and sees a therapist.
My experience has been that I need to enjoy the peace and good moods when they occur and not do or say anything that could be disruptive or a trigger to bring on another episode.
During the times between the episodes he is so guilt ridden about the harsh treatment and angry outbursts that I simply can't add to his burden.
To deal with BP on a long term basis it is imperative that supporters have a short term memory for the hurtful times and a capacity to appreciate the good times.
I often remind myself that that I love him and hate the illness. "The illness is not him." "It is the illness talking and raging!"
Donna,
I have to say I really feel for you I think it would be harder to deal with what I am dealing with with a significant other, than with the child, a relationship such as yours would be so much more difficult to handle, of course it is difficult for anyone and heartwrenching with a child but to have a spouse/boyfriend treating me like that I don't know how I would deal with that, I know I have said a million times that my dad is a saint for never leaving my mom because she is and has been for a long time very difficult to deal with.
I wish you the best!
Jana,
Well it sounds like you have a good handle on handling the disorder as a
supporter, I am sure it is very difficult but sounds as though you are a
very understanding, compassionate person, I applaud you for that!
Hi everyone, I'm a relatively new adult supporter of my adult sister. She was diagnosed about 6yrs ago after almost succeeding in a suicide. When she was diagnosed, I was under the impression that now that she was on medication, everything would be fine, so unfortunately didn't bother finding out more about the disease. She is a rapid cycler (just learned that) and she has went through a couple of major episodes in the past few months. This is when I discovered she had went off of her medication. For the first time, she was hospitalized and it was against her will. She spent a week. She's also a functioning alcoholic and we now know you can't drink and be on meds. Unfortunately this hasn't lasted too long for she has only been out a little over a week, and has taken a drink or two. Anyway, I wondering what you all mean when you talk about screaming or raging? I envision shouting at the top of lungs, but am wondering if there are different types. In my sister's case she does repeat herself over and over, and doesn't seem to listen to any reasoning. She also seems to fixate on one person in her present life that she believe's is doing her wrong, and won't let it go, no matter how much I try to reason with her to let it go. Just wondering if this is along the same lines when you refer to screaming or raging? Any info is appreciated, am now trying to be the best supporter I can be and have been educating myself on the disease through David's enlightening mini-course. My parent's are of no help, and if anything make matters worse, so I'm all she has and we don't have any other siblings. I'm really worried that she's still in a manic state. Thank you for listening.
Wow, 6months. My boyfirend lasted 2 weeks on meds. Even when I told him that I couldn't live like this anymore, he just volunteered to move out instead of getting help. If I do go away for a while, he doesn't care. He can just isolate himself more without anyone bothering him.
Not any more than usual. You see, he used to be the City attorney, had a private practice, protemp judge and public defender all at the same time. He found out through the media that his license was suspended because he did not answer to a complaint. He did not know about the complaint or the suspension because he had not opened his mail. i first noticed that something was wrong when his apartment was trashed. He had junk everywhere, dirty dishes in the sink, old food in the fridge, clothes that smelled like they had been left in the washer too long beefore going into the dryer, thrown on a table instead of getting a dresser. He decided to leave law because he couldn't handle it. That's when he was diagnosed. So, he went from making alot of money to working 2 jobs to make 30,000 and lives in my basement. Stress? I think not, me on the other hand, am constantly stressed wondering what kind of mood he is in today!
Dear Donna,
I can sympathize; my biggest stress is not knowing if my girlfriend who is BP is going to come home in a good mood or not, or wake up in a good mood. She has become terribly disorganized, forgetful (meds today?), doesn't pay bills, etc. I am sorry to hear the same thing, but I am a bit relieved i a not the only one with these feelings.
Gunzee
Gunzee,
I know what you mean. The disorganization drives me nuts! My only saving grace is that he is in the basement and no one can see his mess and what's up with the not paying bills? He doesn't even open them! It's nice to have someone who knows what I go through on a day to day basis. Would you ever consider marrying her knowing this?
Hi, I just wanted to say that I am a schizoaffective disorder supporter. What's schizoaffective? Well, accoriding to the doctor it's a mixture of bi-bolar and schizophrenia disorder. The symptoms are the same as bi-polar except with hallucenations and voices in the head. So anyways I just wanted to first of all thank dave for the e-mails. I now know that I am not the only one that has to go through this. The e-mails greatly help and give me the strength to not give up on my husband and stick through it as I do love him very much and we have 3boys. So Thanks Dave. Well, here is the story, in the past few months my husband has been diagnosed with the disorder schizoaffective and is finally after having him go through a big manic episode and getting into a physical fight with my dad(whome is also bi-polar to add to the mix)I was finally able to get a court ordered mental evalution(which didn't really help, but lead me into getting my husband to talk to a marriage counsler which then talked to a pyschologist and finally came up with a diagnosis). It's kinda weird how long it can take for a pyschologist to actually listen to you and not just your husband when he tends to be very good at hiding his illness. To add to that his disorder didn't really come out as much untill he reached the age around 27 I think. Therefore I didn't think of getting help untill later which could have made it more difficult. Well, in conclusion, I Finally, in some little way at least found some help and found a person to find a diagnosis and get my husband on some meds, which also took alot alot of convincing from all parties. Now that he is finally taking meds after going through a few diff meds we finally found some that seem to be working. He is now able to cope with the disorder, even though he will still from time to time fight with me on taking meds and be in denial that there is anything wrong which is probally always going to be a fight now and agian, but at least hes taking them and does alot better when he is. Anyways, in response to the e-mail, I find that it does at first seem to really help to talk to the person with the disorder about your feelings when they are in a good mood and open minded, and at the time he seems to be listening and is very agreeable, but then when he gets back into his negative bad mood its as though all the feeling and emotions I tried to tell him about just goes in one ear and out the other and we go in circles back to round one. I don't understand cuase at times he will listen and starts understanding me and for a while does better, but then will go back and do the same things that I thought he agreed he understood. I am just so confused about how to help him and feel as though I can't help him when he keeps going in circles. I want to move foward not around and I beleive that thing that is preventing him is this disorder is so powerful and gets in his head and he has a hard time looking past it so he can become more stable and learn to save money and have better relationships. Well, I am going to go to a support group and try to get him into a educational class about mentel illnesses then maybe we can both better understand each other and move foward and not around.
Donna,
I am very torn. I think she knows better than to discuss marriage at this point (been there, done that anyway). I am just struggling because 99% of our focus is on her, taking care of odds and ends, giving support, listening to daily problems, etc. I love her but I am not sure how much longer I can give all of my attention, and get very little in return. This disease sucks, and it is a shame that it is all consuming, every day. Sometimes I think I am too young to deal with this the rest of my life. I don't see it eally getting better, except for the "episodes" and hurtfull,nasty responses that have diminished since medication. Everything else remains...
Gunzee
I CAN APPRECIATE WHERE YOUR COMING FROM DAVE CAUSE AS I'M WRITING THIS I'M GOING THREW ANXIETY AND I DON'T KNOW WHY. WHEN I'M IN A BIPOLAR FLARE I EXPERIENCE SEVER ANGER AND RESENTMENT TOWARD PEOPLE FOR NO REASON. AND I START THROWING THINGS DESTROYING MY PERSONAL ITEMS AND KICKING WISHING IT WAS A HUMAN TO KICK AND I'M NOT MAD A ANY PARTICULAR PERSON. BUT WHAT I THINK IS ANGER HELD INSIDE FROM THE PAST OR I'M JUST PLAIN CRAZY. THEN I GO THREW BAD ANXIETY WHERE I FEEL SOMETHING IS GOING TO HAPPEN. I HATE THAT FEELING.
DOES ANYONE ELSE GO THROUGH THAT? PLEASE LET ME KNOW
Gunzee,
I think that unless they are stable, they can't think about marriage. The thing is he thinks that he is stable ( eventhough he doesn't take meds. I wonder though about life insurance since we have a daughter together and I am quite sure that he doesn't have anything in place for her. I always wondered how he could be mean and say nasty things to me of all people, but now after listening to others I know that it is this nasty disease.
Dear Precious@51
My girlfriend experienced the EXACT same thing on a daily basis, the worry and anxiety for really no reason is still there, but the anger issues have been diminished since she has been on medication.
Nothing I can say can convince her to stop worrying.
Tiffany,
It's good that you have a support group. I hope that the educational class works as well. My boyfriend works at the community mental health center. I don't know if he feels that he's ok because they are crazier than him so he doesn't need help or what?
Donna,
I had to deal with the nasty comments and terrible words alot. Once she got on meds the nastiness subsided, now we are left with worry and anxiety. If we could find something that would help these issues, we would be great.
Gunzee
i have all of these emotions and dont know how to handle them dont take meds and think im losing my mind, im bipolardepression and pregnant, please give me some imput my regards jana
Gunzee,
My mom is the same way there is nothing anyone can say or do to get her to stop worrying, she worries about everything all the time, my dad always said if she doesn't have something or someone to worry about she would worry about not having anything to worry about.
Melissa,
Yes it's sad, if she won the lottery, she would just worry about something else. Every time we solve a problem, she finds something else to worry about.
Gunzee and Melissa,
There seems like there should be a med for that as well. Is not sleeping related to the worry?
Oh my God, sleeping is a huge issue, either worrying about not getting enough sleep, then taking Ambien, or convince hersef that she didn't get enough sleep..it is a daily issue. Oh, and I am fat also....
Gunzee,
Yeah here too. Although he works 2 jobs, even when he does have time for sleep and should be asleep he takes tylenol PM to sleep and always complains of lack of sleep. Then again, he complains about everything. Is there anything that she obsesses over? For him, it's basketball and his son.
Donna,
Yes. She obsessed about the cleanliness on the house for a while. Then we got a weekly cleaning service. now she obsesses about her weight. She is muscular, about 5' 7" and if she goes over 150 lbs. she wants to kill herself. SHe has had 3 tummy tucks and still complains that now she has built up scar tissue, and she is still fat. Meanwhile she woke up at 11pm last night insisting she was hungry. So she eats, and then she is crying this morning that she shouldn't have done it. She started worrying about money a while back, to the point that she bought an economy car when she could have had a luxury car, but then goes and buys two Gucci bags and a tanning bed.
Hi
i have recently been told that i am Bipolar. this is a roller coaster ride but i didnt buy the ticket for the ride.
i am still young and have children & step children they are all grown but 1 daughter. i have always been a very hyper person, workaholic,i stay very busy when i am not working i was spending all the money i had made on not a thing. this cycle has been going on for 17 years i guess you could say i hit the brick bipolar wall( and of course it happened @ work in front of alot of people ) and know i am needing support for me and my family to get through this. i have been in the hospital 2 different times in 2 months the meds have alot of side affects that i have never felt before in my life.
thanks for the tips i know this should help my husband he has been putting up with me for a while and i can see the stress on his face. he has always cheered me on but i think this bipolar is taking its toll on him. he has been reading the comments also thanks for the comments it make me feel that i am not alone and my husband can relate to someone in his shoes
I thought it was just him that switches his obsessions. He was obsessed with being healthy, taking walks, eating fruits and vegtables and complained about the groceries I buy, so I started buying fruits and vegtables and he didn't eat them and was back to buying fast food and cookies. Then he was obsessed with talking on the phone, running up huge cell phone bills. Then he became obsessed with the computer with signing up on all kinds of sites. Then he cancelled them and travels around with a basketball. He used to like pepsi so I bought pepsi. Needless to say, the pepsi is still there ( I only drink diet) cause he decided that he likes rootbeer.
Metro,
just remember when you are having a good day to show your husband some added appreciation. It's like making a deposit in the bank so when the rainy day comes, and it will come, he'll have something to withdraw.
I find myself working very hard to stay positive. I will not address my feelings with my husband when he is feeling good, having a calm moment, etc. I've tried that in the past both in person and via email; prefacing it by letting him know how much I love him and care about him and our marriage. Its good for the moment. When he "goes to the dark side" - as I call it- whatever I've tried to express to him comes back at me in a twisted, harsh, ridiculing way. It is extremely hurtful. Unlike Jana's husband, my husband doesnt express any kind of guilt. Its actually quite the contrary. He doesnt think he's done anything wrong to anyone. He has never kept treatment or meds for his BP. I was so hopeful when he FINALLY agreed to start seeing a psychiatrist. Its the only reason I decided to stay with the marriage. He talks to him about nonsense - doesnt talk about the episodes, the isolation, revenge fantasies, or the suicide talk, etc. He wont allow me to speak to his doctor. So, I tried one of your techniques - I faxed him. He tried t jump out of the car on the way home from dinner on my birthday. (Why is it that special occasions and holidays are such a nightmare??) So i typed up what happened and faxed it to the doctor. I know when he goes to see him he wont talk about it. He talks about sharing the remote, having more sex and that his job stresses him. I was hoping this doc would start him on meds by now (7 sessions). But, I supposed he's hiding the BP pretty well.
jcwife,
my boyfriend doesn't feel any guilt either. He once told me after a blow up, that he knows that he shouldn't have said what he said but he would never go back and apologize. At least your husband goes to a psychiatrist, at least he may get on meds. my boyfriend won't even go, because he doesn't think that theres anything wrong with him. He once told his mother that he thinks its something he ate.
I guess you have to reach rock bottom to wake up and realise yes I have a serious life threatening illness. I have been with my partner for 15 years and he says it is like being with 6 different people always changing, he says he wouldn't change me for the world but in 2006 after years of denial not taking my meds abusing drugs and alcohol I went completely phycotic and ended up on a busy main road screaming at the traffic to kill me so I was told I was hospitilised and my partner said he could not go throught this any more and I had to change. He had in the past visited me in hospital after overdose cutting etc but the traffic thing was the final straw. I vowed then to aknowledge my illness stop alcohol and drugs and stop hurting myself. Am a rapid cycler with hallucinations and voices but love my partner so much his tears brought me to my senses. ALWAYS TAKE YOUR MEDS AND LOVE YOURSELF.
thanks Dave for all you're doing to help in every way. My husband's bipolar and God knows I have tried all avenues, including what you said today. but he forgets everything after a while anyway, he forgets what's been discussed, he forgets what's been agreed upon...he just forgets and i always feel i've wasted my time and energy speaking to him and coming up to an agreement, a compromise. i'm tired. maria
My loved one,(boyfriend) is/has broken up with me,he just can't deal with me?it any longer. He was kind enough to let me stay with him (after I left for 3 weeks ) until I get another job and place to stay. I never understood before how hard this disease is on the ones that care for us. I do now and I became too much for him.Too needy. I have moved back into the apartment that we lived in together but in the other room. He says I can stay a month or so until I find another apartment. This is difficult. I love him and am still very much IN LOVE with him. We were only together nine months but ,I love him. I just found a great job and am in the process of starting my life over I assume. I wish that he would have been able to handle the ups and downs,(Mostly downs recently).Right now I am rapid cycling. I have no therapist and no money or insurance at this time. I have had to miss some of my meds because I can't afford them. But I am getting back up and just starting over. It is hard living here with my ex and not be his girlfriend,especially since we have a strong physical attraction to one another and have slept together again. This is bad for me as the feelings that I have for him are very strong and go way beyond the physical. This is my first time on this blog and I have no idea what I am doing but I hope there is someone out there that understands my plight . I am headed for heartache which is my pattern.
what do you do if you have NO ONE to talk to. I am 1200 miles from home an in the 5 yr that I have lived here, I have NO FRIENDS here. My room mates walks away when ever I cry or do want to talk. I only leave my house every other month to go to my Dr. Can anyone help me out..
Hi Jo, I feel for you. I can tell you are a lovely person with a condition that is not your fault. I go through phases when I think everyone hates me (my bipolar mind) which alienates people. Is it something about having bipolar that stops people getting too close. I am lucky I have my partner but no friends to speak off, I think I frighten people by being too intense. Perhaps we can all connect through this site. Is it OK to give you a big cyber hug. Am certain things will improve for you - we have a home because of Dave for all us bipolarians to share our thoughts, fears and feelings. You are not alone.
If you could find a church close by, there might be people who would talk to you there. In the Methodist churches I have attended, there are people who have volunteered to get some basic training in listening constructively. They aren't psychiatrists or even psychologists, only people who want to serve Christ by making themselves available to people who, like you need someone to talk to. The service is free.
My comment about the Stephen Ministers was to Jo.
Angela
Annette,
I don't know where you live and what is available there, but my son gets counseling from both a psychiatrist and a therapist for 1.00 and usually most of his medicines in samples from the same organization. You do have to be judged in financial need. Maybe your area has such an organization and someone at a local hospital, social services, or health center could point you in the right direction.
Emotions, positive or negative, should not be kept inside. Emotional problems can manifest into physical conditions if they're not dealt with. Men in general tend to keep their emotions to themselves, believing that showing feelings is somehow not manly. British men in particular, have been brought up that way.
My ex-husband believed that he was undeserving of love. So he couldn't bring himself to say he loved me and show his affections in fear of having it returned. He had an affair with a woman who liked it rough and abused him and he felt that's what he deserved. I could feel his pain and knew he was crying inside. He wouldn't let me help him. I'm not good at hiding my emotions.
My current boyfriend is in many ways very similar to my ex, but much more honest about his feelings. I know I shouldn't generalise, but from my observation Irish men are more highly emotional than the British. They don't mind showing their feelings and they are still real men. Bipolar disorder added to naturally strong emotions must make it extra difficult to deal with. I think my experience with my ex have made it a little easier to understand and cope with my present man's moods.
Jo,
Don't you have family to talk to? if not I would suggest looking for local support groups for mental illness or bi-polar. You can find some online at nami.org Another thing you might want to try is maybe go to a church or find an activity where you can meet people and start talking and making friends. I am sure you can find someone to talk to maybe even a counsler. I know it has to be hard, but hang in their and don't give up if anything you always have the internet and their is tons of people and info that you can talk with online. Best of Luck.
Dave, I will take your advice and find time to talk to my husband about his bipolar disorder, and how I feel about living with it. After years of being married to someone with bp disorder, i forget to focus on myself. So much has been focused on him; is he stable, is he going up, is he going down, can he still work, what;s he buying, where's he going, can he get out of bed, does he have any help, where are his friends, can you trust him, what business is he starting, is he happy, is he sad, is he too happy, is he too sad, does he self medicate, when does he see his doctor again, blah, blah, blah.
Suzannewa, I hope you're doing ok. I'm thinking of you, and will pray.
Open and honest dialogue at the right time is really important. In my case, though, I can't handle it. My best friend and most loyal, loving supporter is my husband. We didn't know I was going to be diagnosed as BD when we were married. He knew I had had a couple of bouts of major depression and had a very serious near encounter with death via suicide in college, and a 6-wk inpatient stay at a behavioral care center. But it had been years before and I was on meds, and all looked fine. I was always emotional by temperament, but there were definite highs and lows that we passed through. I ended up, as I grew older, having more extreme mood swings and using alcohol and prescription meds to control major fight or flight living. I ended up twice in out-patient care, and the second time, we were blessed with a doctor who correctly diagnosed the disorder. We were both so scared. While I remained dumbfounded and tried to cope, my husband was online reading everything he could about it. But neither of us really knew what we were dealing with until we experienced several months of a manic episode that at its peak destroyed most of his important relationships. by God's grace alone, we still have a relationship with his son and daughter (our), but it was a permanent loss re: his closest friends. My three kids (our) were also really hurt by tons of fallout. I had been in therapy for a long time already. We finally got to the root of some emotional garbage when I unburied memories of early childhood sexual abuse. But nothing has explained the messed up brain chemistry. I literally held myself together, I think, because of raising my children. I was an at-home Mom for 16 years, feeling I needed to be very attentive and involved in their lives and available whenever needed. It wasn't like that for me, and I wanted their lives to be different. They brought out the child in me, too, which was healing as I played with them. But once they left home to go on their own, I was lost and I think my controls were, too. It's like my brain said, OK, now it's time to really go to town. When my husband makes comments about his friends left behind (because we had to move and they cannot communicate with him or I go ballistic), or how his relationship with his daughter is different, even though it's never accusatory or meant to make me feel responsible or that he is angry, I feel like a force of destruction in his life. I feel guilty, I hurt for him, I marvel that he is still with me. I am jealous and possessive. If I feel threatened or betrayed or have been stuffing negative feelings over time about someone, and I get triggered, I fly into a very out-of-control rage because of fixated thinking leading to messed up brain chemistry. So having my husband updaate me about how he is feeling about all of this scares me beyond words. I don't want him to wonder "which woman" he's coming home to, I don't want to hear him say he's given it his all and can't do it anymore, or how hard it is for him to live w/o his friends, and that he was forced to choose between me and his kids and chose me because he knew how ill I was. His kids weren't close by to see, and I put a gag order over my husband. He wasn't to say anything about me to anyone. He honored that but it cost him dearly. I feel such guilt over all he has chosen yes, chosen, but it doesn't make me feel any better, to sacrifice because we love each other so much and because we love the Lord so much. He doesn't want to leave me, thank God, and I don't want him to ever want to. So now I try to hide the signs if I feel them coming on. I know how to act bright when I'm depressed and have slept all day while he's worked. I set the alarm to give me enough time to do some chores and shower before he gets home. If I'm angry, I downplay it, and I suddenly have lots to do on the computer for a few nights to isolate until I can let some extra meds (legitimate) to be taken as needed take effect. I pray a lot. Even when I know I'm most rebellious and ugly, God loves me. I'm His daughter. He is the glue of our marriage. We've relocated and all was great. But I've had to take care of my Mom, 85, and it has been 100% more difficult than I imagined. Mom is a major trigger. Sure enough, given enough time, I became manic and exploded all over her. I haven't been able to talk to her yet about it and apologize. I haven't wanted my children to know by experience what I can do, head-knowledge was good enough via written materials. But now they've seen the rage I can fly into. They had experienced some of my depression when they were at home with me. But they didn't realize the depth of it. I managed to pull it together when they were due home from school. It's amazing what the love for my kids gave me the strength to do. When my husband talks to me, which is rare because he's pretty private, the way you suggest, it devestates me because of the guilt. We do talk about the disorder but in pretty clinical terms and "just checking" terms. Maybe one day I can get past the feeling that I am a totally destructive person in his life when he opens up about his side of this as my supporter. He tells me all of the time that God has given me to him as a gift and he values me as a gift. He loves me so much and I honestly just don't get it. But I am so very, very grateful for it. I want very much to minimize the effects of this disorder on him. Like Dave said in one of his emails, "this isn't the life he signed up for". But I don't want to think about where I would be now without him. Marni
Dear Marni
My heart goes out to you. I know this may sound like a cliche, but we are looking forward to an eternity in the presence of God's unconditional love!
Johanita
Roy Anne
I NEED to know this....it would help so much.
My boyfriend and I are together for 5 years. He is Bi-polar, on meds and seeing a therapist.
He has 1 depressive phase and 1 manic phase per year and the cycle is very regular.
We share a great life, ski, motorbike (live in S France) have a great set of friends and a super sex life...no problems..he will NOT leave his controlling mother (he is 40yrs old) to live with me but we make it work!
He is in manic at the moment. He has spent ALOT of money but that is not a big problem. He knows what he has spent.
He thinks he is God's gift to women. He has to try and sleep with every young girl in existance, party all the time and be FREE!! He has left me AGAIN because he says I cramp his style, he NEVER loved me, he stayed with me 5 years because he felt sorry for me. I make him angry (we never argue..life is always pretty smooth. He wants more beauty, more excitement, he says such hurtful things.....is THIS REALLY HOW IT MAKES YOU FEEL?
I am so hurt!
He left me last year for a young girl of 19 and came back crying...now he seems to have forgotten all about what he said when he came back.
This is so hard for a supporter...is this how it REALLY is?
Do I just stay calm and out of his way and see if it passes and he comes back again...what would you want me to do?
What do you feel? Is this anger towards a loved one NORMAL?
I want it from someone who knows!!
Thanks for any help here!
Hi Roy Anne, Yes this is how it it. I have bipolar rapid cycling and I have finished with my partner painfully a million times I do love him so much but the illness makes you see everything good as bad when I am ill I hate myself and hurt everyone around me. If it helps things do get better when I am good I am very good when bad I am horrid I hate myself afterwards and feel such guilt it is not me or how I really feel it is an episode which both partners need to understand. My partner has learnt to keep his distance when necessary, to ignore everything I say, to not live in the past, but to count our blessings for all the wonderful moments we share. I am so grateful he has stood by me, loves me I dont't quite undertand it but if you love him he needs you and the support you offer. It will never be easy but very rewarding. Hope this helps.
Just wanted to add a comment to all you mothers of bipolar sons and daughters. I get annoyed with my mum, if I am honest it is more with myself. You see when things get bad I cannot manage the day to day things and my mum takes over with the chores, asks me if I have paid my bills, if I have bought food, if I have done washing. She doesn't realise this but in my mind she is saying 'You are useless, you can't do anything and I hate the fact that at 40 my mum is taking over I know I need her but Iresent her at the same time. I love her though with all my heart. Everything is so painful at times I thought she was turning my daughter against me, trying to kill me. When she speaks I hear different words like reading between the lines I know my thought are not real my illness but they are real at the time only later when well like a flash back I see the harm and how my mind gets warped. I think that is why so many of us attempt suicide inside we are good caring people with an illness that alters our perceptions. We don't want to hurt anyone. Love you all.
Tanya,
I thought rock bottom was when he lost everything, career, money, condo, repect etc. and moved to another town to live with me working jobs that require little to no education and he has a law degree. But apparently that wasn't even enough to admit his illness and get help.
I'm suffer from BP with Panic Disorder. I'm at the point where the Dr.'s are still trying to see which med is working. The weight gain is atrocious. Has anyone had any luck wiht a med that doesn't cause weight gain?
I have been appart of bi-polar disorder most of my life. My mother suffered and did not take medication. Alcohol and drugs were her friends. My mothers mother also suffered. I was giving her shots to calm her at age 12. The depression side was so horrible that she refused to get out of bed and always spoke of death. Morbid but that was my childhood. Now I am an adult and I have three adult children. All of them suffer from bi-polar in various levels. I am now raising one of my grandchildren. She has been diagnosed Bipolar-ADHD like her dad. He is my oldest.
For many years I felt like the square peg in a round hole. I was told from a very young age that I was the one with a problem. Bipolar loves to play these kinds of games. It took me a long time to figure out that I did not possess bipolar issues. I have run the gauntlet of emotions. As a teen I hated my mother for her evil, violent, and physical abuse, I hated her for cheating on my father. It was not until I was much older that I learned that the problems with me were born of the life I had lived. With answers came solutions. I became strong and was able to support my children. They too refuse to medicate at least not the legal ones. My oldest does not abuse drugs or alcohol but he stays mostly on the manic side. With ADHD so he feels no need to medicate when he feels this good.. You get the picture. His life is a mess but he persists that he is in control of his life. To make a long story shorter. I have felt every emotion you have mentioned here and then some. Life is good since I was able to get out of myself to be a supporter and not a victom of Bipolar Disorder. I have worked in mental health for 7 years and learned many of the things that you have mentioned. You are a great source of inspiration to me. My grandchild who is 8 years old has me and good doctors. She takes her medication, has become non violent, excells in school, and is mostly stable at this time. Schedule changes without prior knowledge will cause behavior. You have spoken about triggers and I have been able to work on and make others aware of some of them. Thank You for your help and support. You may not be a professional in this field, but living in the world of Bipolar Disorder affords a much greater education than a text book.