Murder, violence and bipolar disorder
=>PLEASE FORWARD TO FRIENDS, FAMILY AND LOVED ONES <=
Hi,
How's it going?
Okay, I have something sad to talk about today
but I have to.
I am not sure if you heard but there
was a person who killed a bunch of people.
Foxnews reported...
"Carrying a shotgun in a guitar case and at
least one handgun registered to him, former
sociology graduate student Steven Kazmierczak,
27, kicked through a side door to the 200-capacity
Cole Hall, walked in quickly and began firing at
students and the teacher."
For the entire story, read this...
http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,330792,00.html
Now it is not known right now if this person
had bipolar disorder but people are saying
this person was on medications and got off
them and started acting erratic.
I preach this over and over again. When people
with serious mental illnesses get off their
medications, bad things happen generally.
When you look at the bipolar disorder news
that I send out on Fridays every week,
you'll see story after story about people
who have gotten off their medications
and done some really bad things.
People who live with people not on medication
or people with bipolar disorder who aren't taking
medications think, "oh, violence won't happen
to me." If I had a dollar for every time I heard
this, I would be rich.
After I heard about this story, I saw this
shocking post on my blog which you should learn
from.
Take a look:
jerry said...
I have been living with my partner for about 5
years. He was dicnotes for bipolar. he got worse
where I had to call police many times. I took him
to the hospital, Phyciatrist. I got his medications
but they keep switching them. After a while he started
hitting me. On night he got BAD. He beat my head
agianst the wall and broke my foot. I got away from
him and ran to the bedroom.
I grabed a weapon to distance him from me. It was dark
in the room. He kept coming after me and ran into
the weapon (sharp). he is know passed. I miss him
soo. His family does'nt want anything to deal with
him and never did. I was his only support. now I am
dealing with Manslaughter. I have not yet been covited
yet. I am out on bail.
My family and freinds have seen his violence.
Pleas Help!! I have no records or even had a
parking ticket. I wish the couart system would start
understand how dangerious this illness is. It was
not either our falt he was ill. I still Love him
and can't get over it..........Agian Please help
get the word out. Thank you for listening. Jerry
And Then Jerry Said...
jerry said...
Good Morning! I posted a comment a few days ago
about my inccedent. I would like to know I anyone
has delt with a manic deppresive person that is
dangerous. (Like hittining, or throwing things
or tried to hurt you). I have but would never
hurt him. I would let the incedent pass or go to
another room in the house. Please let me know you
delema. It is greatly apriciative.
Thank you, Jerry
=========================
Jerry, I am really sorry to hear this. Please
get as good as a lawyer as you can. I am NOT
an attorney and can't offer any legal advice.
I can just say, get a good lawyer and explain
to him/her what bipolar disorder is so they
are clear.
Also, here's what I have found. When a person
with bipolar disorder, borderline personality disorder
and schizophrenia goes off their medication,
I have seen people do horrible things that
they never would do if they had the right
treatment plan.
When I say the wrong treatment plan,
I mean in this case--not taking medication.
Why do I say it like that? Well I say
it like that because some people with
these disorders believe that not
taking medication is the right way
to treat the disorder.
NOTE
I am NOT a doctor, therapist, lawyer
and NOT offering medical or legal advice.
NOTHING I write should be taken as medical,
or legal advice.
At the core of incorrect treatment is
a person not taking medication. I have
personally seen people who go off their
medications do all kinds of things that are
really bad. I have seen it in support
group meetings.
I have seen it on a college campus.
I have seen it in various towns
and cities.
You have to be really careful when a person
is not on medications when they have a serious
disorder like bipolar disorder. And if you
have bipolar disorder and you are not taking
your medications, you are at risk of doing
something really bad.
In my courses/systems below, virtually all
success stories talk about what happened
when medications were not taken or they
were not correct.
SUPPORTING AN ADULT WITH BIPOLAR DISORDER?
Visit:
http://www.bipolarsupporter.com/report11
SUPPORTING A CHILD/TEEN WITH BIPOLAR DISORDER?
Visit:
http://www.bipolarparenting.com
HAVE BIPOLAR DISORDER?
Visit:
http://www.survivebipolar.net
The foundation to all success in the interviews
in the courses/systems above is taking
medication. Bipolar medications make life
better for the person with bipolar disorder
AND the supporter. Period.
If you are not taking your medications, go to
the doctor and get back on them.
If you loved one is not taking medications,
realize he/she could do something really bad
and your goal should be to help them get
back on their medications and feel comfortable
doing so.
You don't know how many people I speak to
that are supporting loved ones who are not
taking their medication and I warn them to
watch out, be careful, etc. They all say,
"oh my loved one would never get as bad
as your mom got."
Then they wind up calling me back in like 6
to 12 months with a horror story.
I know if you are a bipolar supporter, supporting
an adult with bipolar disorder, you might be thinking,
"yea, Dave, it's easy for you to say but it's hard
to get someone into treatment."
You are right, remember I had the same problem as
well.
This is why in my supporter course for adults
I talk about 21 ways to get a loved one into
treatment with involuntary commitment.
http://www.bipolarsupporter.com/report11
I had to use some of the strategies myself over the
years of helping my mom.
I know I will get a ton of hate mail from people
saying that I push medications on people and
I am part of a drug company or something like
this. Or that I own millions of dollars of drug
stocks and I want more people on medications
so I make more money with my stocks.
Or people will write me hate mail that I am
afraid of people with a mental illness because
my mom has one.
Please allow me to address both forms
of hate mail I will get.
#1. I am not part of a drug company. I also
don't own millions of dollars of drug stocks
and I am NOT trying to raise the price of the
stocks by writing emails like this.
Some might look at what I wrote and think
it's crazy. It's not. You would be shocked
how many people call/write/email me that
they think that I am making money with drug
stocks that's why I talk about medication
and bipolar disorder.
#2. I am not afraid of people with a mental
illness. More than 70% of the people who
work for me in this organization have at
least one mental illness. One has 7 in addiction
to being a recovering drug addict and alcoholic.
Is this crazy? NO, this person is stable AND
no longer drinking and taking drugs. The person
is a model worker and does great!
Anyway, the people who work for me read what
I write and are not offended by what I say.
I tell you about medications and bipolar disorder
so you don't have what happen to Jerry happen
to you OR you don't wind up doing something like
Steven did which I am sure he never would have
done under normal circumstances if he was on
his medications.
Now, I know that it is not known if the
person who killed a bunch of people had
bipolar disorder, BUT, what is known
is he was on medication for something.
That something obviously made him violent.
Generally that falls into a few mental illnesses.
Please don't write about debating what he had
and let's just learn a lesson of the importance
of medication for bipolar disorder.
One last comment. There is a person who works for
me named Michele. She has bipolar disorder. Michele
sister had bipolar disorder. She created a multi million
dollar business from scratch. She was a nice
person. She went off her medications. She told
everyone in the family she was feeling great.
Over time she started to get worse. 8 months
later, one day, she went to the bank, then
to the grocery store to do some shopping.
Then she went home from the store, grabbed
a gun and shot herself dead. There was no note.
She did not "put her affairs in order." There
was no indication that she was planning it.
Who goes to the bank and store and then
shoots themselves?
It was totally a random act because she
was not on medication.
Please learn from these stories.
Your Friend,
Dave
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posted by David Oliver @ 8:18 AM
63 comments
63 Comments:
Dave,
Thank you SO much for addressing the potential dangers AND the importance of treatment. IT IS EVERYTHING!!! My boyfriend has been manic for a very long time and aside from what he's done already...I am SO afraid of what might happen. He won't get help! Now, he has successfully alienated ME from everyone who knows him. Noone believes me and noone will help me. What do I do??
I love him and I miss him!
Can someone help me???
Hi Dave: It is true about no meds and violence with serious mental disorders, especially BPD which is so often is misdiagnosed, because as you said in one of your earlier emails: a doctor is only as good as the patient will allow". My daughter, who has BPD, has a theory about Mass Shootings, such as just happened, she thinks that because people, in general, are very cruel to those who are different and if that involves some kind of mood disorder that the person will resort to violence of some kind. She believes that the person will commit suicide or take it out on the ones who have treated the person badly. I had to teach her that when she felt violence towards others while in school to keep it in until she got home and yell and scream at me. I had no idea what BPD was or any idea she had a mental disorder at all. But I had to work and couldn't spend all my time at school because she did something to this kid or something else to that kid. So I was a BPD supporter before I had ever heard of the words. She progressive got worse and I got counseling for her when she was about 10 y/o which led to a Psychiatrist and sometimes medicated and sometimes not. It has been an uphill ride and still is. She still yells and screams at me when she feels an episode coming on and during an episode. My husband doesn't like it, BPD for him too, but I told him to get used to it because this is how I taught her to cope. The biggest concern I have now is I am in the final stage of emphysema and will pass on in a few years and I worry about what will become of her then. Her father is worthless to her and her step-father has all ready informed me that he will not be able to be around her and help her because it would hurt him too much because of the memories she will cause him to have. Therein lies my major concern.
Hello all
Im a new bipolar i suppose you want to call me that . even though I was miss diagnosed 23 years ago . I have so many questions but have very little resorces. I quit my job and moved to another state where my family could help me for im not stable enough to be alone. can you help me with some sites that may give me the tools to help me better understand how to deal with this Illness?
thank you
Lorie
Hello all
Im a new bipolar i suppose you want to call me that . even though I was miss diagnosed 23 years ago . I have so many questions but have very little resorces. I quit my job and moved to another state where my family could help me for im not stable enough to be alone. can you help me with some sites that may give me the tools to help me better understand how to deal with this Illness?
thank you
Lorie
sorry for the double post
Lorie
To Jods:
I was writing my own sob story and happened to read yours. If you are scared of your boyfriend then get rid of him unless he will get the help he needs. I am telling you based on none other than experience. I have been married to a very violent man with BPD. We have a daughter in common who also has BPD. He is and has been for about 15 years been my EX-HUSBAND because I have suffered abuse from the man, been threatened with a pistol while my daughter looked on and so on. The main thing was, in his opinion, there was not anything wrong with him, and he still carries this notion today, that the rest of the world is screwed up. I loved him too and probably always will to a certain degree but I got over him. So if you do not think he will get help, drop him before you get married and things really get complicated. Remember this is only my opinion based on experience.
Dave,
I am a person that was dxd with bipolar in 1994 and was put on every medication the pdocs thought would work for me. I did not have anything work for longer than 6 months. After years of being treated by countless hospital pdocs and several of my own I am no longer taking any meds for bipolar. I take an anti-anxiety med for sleep at night and that is all. I feel like my pdoc has given up trying to find something that works for me. It seems the meds have the opposite effect on me and make me feel worse instead of better. There are times when the depression will get me down so much or the mania will take a toll on me and I will beg the pdoc to find something for me but he comes up empty.
So now the fact is that I am unmedicated. I have just started working again even though it isn't a full time job. The jobs come in increments like 2 weeks at a time working 6 days a week. I have had several "meltdowns" during these jobs and it is usually on my day off when I know I can cry uncontrollably and nobody will have to see me. I have felt suicidal on these jobs a few times and these jobs are always out of town so I am away from anybody who knows the truth about me.
When I come home to my husband and two adult sons, I am so tired and give out and can't stand the idea of facing this house and all the work that needs to be done in it. I usually shut down which is a good thing. When I am not shut down then I am yelling at my husband and hitting him and kicking him and throwing things at him. I know at these times I am totally out of control but my husband takes it or hides in the bathroom which makes me angrier. I have begged him to call my therapist or pdoc when I am like this but he is the type of man that doesn't want people to know and he also fears that my pdoc will put me in the hospitalyet again. Granted I have been inpatient over 50 times since 1994 and we are all tired of that scene but I know myself, ususally after the fact, that I can be a danger to my husband and at times to myself. I also know that I "get away" with it so I have no reason to stop. There have been times when my husband and I are out in the car and I get angry for whatever reason and will jerk the steering wheel or pull his hair or even slap him while he is driving. I have also been under the wheel and tried to run him over at least two times. Yet he still gets in the car with me and we make our way back to our chaotic home. I don't just turn on him but also turn on myself. I will hate myself so much afterwards that I begin doing self harming behaviors. Once again, my husband has seen this happen several times and not on purpose just that he would walk in on me, and would not call my pdoc or therapist. He just wants to take care of it all ourself and just remember that it will get better. He does his best to convince me that it will pass and tomorrow I will be better and I listen to that and know it is better than being in the hospital.
It hurts me as I write all of this about myself but the facts are the facts. I am the type of person that has either fallen between the cracks or have full reign to do whatever it is I want and know that I will get away with it. Yes, I have the borderline dx too but don't the pdocs understand that also? I am afraid sometimes what might happen during one of my angry fits of rage and I will admit that I have access to my weapon of choice due to having stupid people around me and I don't mean that as an insult just that they don't realize my capabilities at times. In my mind, I think that I won't lose control and that I can do whatever I want and get away with it. I have been hospitalized several times for being a danger to somebody else as well as myself but I still don't think the mental health system and my husband really get it. Don't you agree with me?
I have fears about what I might do but I think they believe and bet on the fact that I would never do anything major so to speak. So yes, I feel like the boy who cried wolf and I know when and if the time comes that I am totally destructive and if I say anything about it which I do quite often, their reaction will be the same, that I will get past it. I just wonder if they will ever take me seriously and help me? I share this to show that it isn't always the patients fault when they finally snap and go off the deep end. Usually there have been signs along the way but people around us refuse to acknowledge those signs and especially do something about them. They don't realize how much we suffer and wish somebody would take the initiative and help us. I know I do but that hasn't happened for me and I wonder what will it take to finally get somebody to hear my desperate cries for help?
My son is currently out on bail for an aggravated assault charge. This was over a year ago. After he had attempted suicide he was seen by mental health and diagnosed with bipolar. The court system in this state is not very understanding of his condition and is still dragging thier feet even after having a court shrink evaluation.
helenm,
Thank you for sharing your experience. I left him months ago. I begged him to get help...told him I would hold his hand and always stand by his side. Didn't matter. He doesn't really deny his illness but doesn't accept it either. He lives in isolation normally and his friends chalk his manic actions up to bad behavior. They've never listened to him cry, like I have, about how badly he wants a family and wants to be "OK". They don't understand who he is and who he wants to be. I feel guilty for giving up and I feel so very helpless. One of these days when the mania ends, he'll feel like a monster and may look to me for absolution. I'm afraid to be there, afraid to not, afraid to leave the house and see how he's hurting whom. God help me. I love him so much and I pray for him to be ok.
My boyfriend has never been officially diagnosed with bipolar, but exhibits all the classic symptoms. He is not convinced that he has bipolar, but recognizes that he has anger issues, which have led to some violent incidents against me. He will not seek professional treatment as he doesn't think they will be capable of addressing his issues and he says I can help him get better with my love. I do agree that unconditional love will help him, but cannot bear the fear that I constantly have. I love him dearly and would like to help him, but don't want to go through with the experience of him getting violent with me again. He tries to make me feel guilty by telling me that if I loved him as much as I tell him I do, I would stick with him and take the chance. I don't know what to do.
Dave,
I'm reading your materials. They're very good. I feel a little overwhelmed about all the planning I need to do to help my husband with his bipolar. It's do or die, though. We just can't go through another destructive manic episode. He doesn't get physically violent, but he gets beligerent, irritable, nasty, etc, and spends money out the wazoo. He just doesn't stay on his medications. He acts like hes' taking his meds, says he's taking them, pretends he's on board, yada yada yada. But he's not.
I see a common thread on your blog. So many people who are married to or dating a bipolar person REALLY want to help them! And it seems like they want to help that person, even to their own detriment! Why is this?! I see it in myself also, although I do think I've moved past the "have to save him" phase into the "I have to save myself!" mode. I will try once again to help our family; I'm thankful that I have Dave's materials and systems this time. But I don't feel hugely obligated to help him, or save him. I do feel obligated to help our family and maintain my own health and sanity.
My husband has been diagnosed with Bipolar since August 2006. He is continually on medication since then and we have been living a normal life. He has a good job but I am not expecting this to last a lifetime. I do recognized that medication does not cure his illness. But I know he does not attempt to be off meds because he loves his family dearly. I am still hoping one of these days, while he is alive, that a cure will be developed for all the mentally ill, but if not, then I wish this society will lower the cost of the meds for these persons so they can live a normal life. I know, as my hubby's supporter, it is very difficult to love and take care of someone who is mentally ill. But just try, you'll be amazed how love can cure this illness. =)
I was diagnosed with bp 10 years ago but was bipolar all my adult life. I have been stable for the last 5 years thanks to a good Doctor and therapist, the right medications and living my life drug and alcohol free. My comment here is anger has been something I've had to fight with almost on a daily basis. It seems that most if not all bipolars have the same problem with rage. While being on medication seems to make it easier to control but when you suddenly go off it the rage just goes wild. No one has been able to make me understand where the anger and rage comes from but its there. Just another great reason for staying on the meds.
anonymous,
3 years I've given unconditional love and it hasn't worked...yet. I thought if I loved him enough he'd have the strength and the courage to get help. I thought maybe he'd SEE the possibility of a btter life. Yesterday was my birthday and I spent it alone, no visit, no phone call...same with Christmas and New Year's. He thinks it's noble to stay away from me and spare me more pain.
I think there's much more to it than unconditional love. Maybe someone who has bp can tell us the secret. ??
Hugs to you all!!
jobs,
The secrect I believe, is that the bp person MUST WANT to seek help and follow a healthy plan to remain stable. That includes medication. LOVE alone does not do it. Love can only help motivate a person toward wanting to remain stable. My fiance knows that there are boundries to living a life with me that include staying on meds and living clean and free. Will your guy be able to make that move? Until then, all I can say is try your hardest to find others to spend time with or accept him as is. Being a supportive friend in the meantime if that is not too painful which it sound as if it is at the moment. He will always come back, and speaking from experience with my ex-BP love, I believe it gets easier to walk away each time. Especially if the BP includes being involve with other partners.
Someone else asked, "Why we are attracted to personality types with BP?". I will share my reasons. First, they are very charismatic, even when they are not "high". I love to be active and on the go and someone with a high level of energy is who I am attracted to. Also, they tend to feel deeper and express passion at level that is inline with my own. I am not a massacist but perhaps there is that element to be aware of. Are you a teacher or a nurse? I think we may attract people in need and tend to want to "fix" them. We can not. They must accept and own the reponsibiliy to seek help. They are also the ones who must first accept our support. We can only be there to help. We can not force them into acceptance or treatment.
My best to you.
Dave. I am bipolar, and sometimes I disregard your mails because I don't like to keep on telling me that I am ill. But today that I decided to read on violence I understood how important it is to accept's one's disability not only for one's sake but for the sake of others. Thank you for all the time and effort you put in here. I am in Mexico, and there is little knowledge of the illness and its consequences around here.
Maria de la Luz Andrade
I am nearly wetting myself laughing! People need to think things through if they believe David could influence drug company share prices by the odd mailing! It's ludicrous! He would have to convince many thousands of people to rush and get drugs before it could raise half a penny on the share price! If those mailings do influence people - and I hope they do (no, I am not a shareholder in a drugs company!) - the effect wouldn't register a pin head on share value!!
Next time any idiot accuses you of trying to maipulate drug company shares, David, just reply and say, "Yeah, I wish!" ;oD
Me thinks, the paranoia evident in these people suggests one of two things, or even a combination of both - they're ill, just plain dumb or a bit of both!
Just to cheer everyone up, here's one of a few funny one-liners a friend sent to me:
In the 60s, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
Oh, what the heck! I'll make you chuckle with a couple more:
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"
My son Joel is 31 years old. He is Bipolar and BPD. He also has a mental defiency-he's about 15 mentally. I'm not sure how long I can take anymore of this. I know inside of me he is going to hurt me soon. I finally got him to do an intake at a mental health facility this week. I don't know if he will go to a follow up. I don't know if he lied to them. He's pretty good (as I am sure you all know). I kicked him out yesterday (again). He doesn't (or refuses) to understand why. He thinks we hate him. My current husband (not his father) doesn't believe in mental illness or in my son's mental defiency. He thinks it is all an act. This sure makes life more difficult. My son abuses/uses drugs. He hangs with criminals and druggies. He is very self-distructive. I worry about him constantly. This is killing me. I sometimes think it would all be better if he were dead. Then I get really frightened that that might really happen. I also worry that my baby might kill someone else's baby. I don't know if I could live with that. I don't know if I can live much longer will all of this. He balames everything on me. I know none of this is my fault. I just don't know how to help him if he won't get therapy and get on medication. His father, who is dying of lung cancer, doesn't want anything do do with him. He last saw him in 1995. His siser is the same. All other realtives are either dead or it has been longer that 1995 since last contact. I am really the only person he has. He has three daughters whose mothers have gone in hiding. I can't blame them. I miss my grandkids. It is not fair to me. I'm sure there are many folks out there in this mess. Someone, somewhere tell me how are you making it from morning to noon? I'm on all sorts of meds. I still don't want to be here anymore.
Way to go Graham N we all needed a little chuckle today. Unfortunately my Sister-in-law doesn't work the weekends so I won't get any more of her jokes until next week sometime. but maybe I can come with something. After all the violence in this world, not just people wigging but intentional violence like wars and such we need a good laugh every day to keep us all from going totally insane!
Dave,
Thank you for the information you give us the person with Bipolar is my brother-in-law and he is getting worse and my mom and dad had to make him leave because he was being very violent with my sister he would curse her so bad and he wanted her to wait on him hand and foot and so he's living on the streets and he keeps calling wanting to come back and he will behave himself. But, he has said this all before and my sister had to take a EPO on him to keep him away from our family.His family has disowned him , they have put up with all his life. He has threathened to kill and set there home on fire.All he cares about is money and his truck that he puts all his money into fixing it. He has been off of his medic-
ines since he has been gone and drinking.My sister is afraid of him and she is afraid he will kill himself and she would have to live with it the rest of her life. But, I told her if she stays with him he will kill her.We can't get him to go back to the hospital to get back on his medicines. He said if someone has the police come and take him back to the hospital he will kill them.
jods:
You can't beat yourself up for something you cannot control. Don't feel guilty for saving yourself, which is what you have done. I am 52 y/o and I have seen more than my share of what Bi-polar Disorder will do if the person who has it denies anything but having "a bad temper" and will not seek professional help. The day will come when all of his friends will see how dangerous BPD is because he cannot keep it hidden from them forever and then they will all know something is mentally wrong, just probably not what it is. It sounds to me like you are at the point where you must put yourself first and Prayer is all you really can do. You know the old saying of how you can take a horse to water but you can't make him drink. That is where his friends are, they know something is wrong but they are afraid to admit it to themselves and the time will come when they will have to see just as when the horse gets thirsty he will drink. I will keep you all in my Prayers as well as all the others dealing with pain and sadness in this world.
Dave,
my partner was diagnosed with BP a few months ago - I always knew he had this since I met him. Things got completely out of hand a few months ago. He assulted me several times up to the point where he got so violent he tore my clothes to bits from my body. Assaulting, slapping me around. I still remember that evening clearely. He even told me that he will throw me out of the window of the flat we are living in (2nd floor). I immediately laid down on the floor so he could not push me out of the window. I then threw him on the floor, and sat on top of him and held his arms. He started biting me on my arm. Well, eventually he cooled down and took his stuff and left only to return an hour later. Sobbing and crying. He was ver very close to ending my life. This happened again 2 months later (before he started taking his meds)
I asked him to please let me take him to our GP to be evaluated.
My worst fears was confirmed when the doctor told him that he has BP disorder. GP started him on medication which worked wonderfully, but unfortunately he had severe side-effects from the meds. So the GP changed the medication to something else, initially starting him on a very low dosage. 2 weeks later we went back for his evaluation and the dr adjusted the meds dosage again. Then we moved into a new flat. That evening he went into one of his raging fits again. I did not hit him back, even though I am much taller and stronger than him. When I felt his fist against the side of my head, then the next one, then the next one, time just slowed to a crawl in my mind. I thought that I should keep calm and just remove him from the house - grabbed him by his waist and threw him out of the house. His rage continued, he damaged a very expensive chair of mine - he threw it from the 2nd floor - then he slammed his hand through one of the frot doors glass panes injuring himself with some nasty deep lacerations. He screamed that should open the door - I told him that if he does not calm down and start getting control of his behaviour - he cannot come back in. He threatened to bash down the door if I did not open it. then after about 2 minutes I had to open the door in fear of us getting a letter of the landlord 2 vacate the premises. He came back in and started pushing me around, smearing me full of blood, grabbing my by the neck, almost strangling me in anger. I was covered in blood and pushed him away then asking him to please remove his hands - he is out of control. I told him that I would phone the police and get him removed from hy home. He ordered me to clean up the glass in the hallway from the broken pane, which I refused. Told him that he broke it and he needs to start taking responsability for his actions and fits. I took him to hospital where the lacerations was surtured - when I phoned the GP & he increased the dosage of his medication yet again.
He seems more stable now - it's been 3 weeks since he's been on the increased dosage, so only time will tell how this will be affecting his BP
I have also sudgested tonight that he start helping *us* manage his BP disorder. He should have the desire to feel and act better - and also take his medication as prescribed by die doctor. And we will take it from there. Most of his family does not talk to him, and basically ignores his calls and e-mails. He also told me that his behaviour has been a part of him his whole life and also the 'racing thoughts' I also spoke to him regarding the fact that everyone - and I really mean everyone - wants nothing to do with him in the long run - because of his job history (unstable) financial insecurity and *strange strange* behaviour, thoughts and ideas sometimes.
Hopefully the future will be more rose coloured. Unfortunately love alone will not help, but only hard work, dedication and a good dose of common sense, amongst other things
This post has been removed by the author.
Dave
where can I find Jerrey's (whom you spoke about in the e-mail) original comment/e-mail address...
Thx
Deon
deonvr at gmail dot com
I want to first start this with a huge thank you to David Oliver for his unrelenting service to all of us out here who are either suffering from mood disorders or are supporters of someone afflicted with these often times scary illnesses.
I hope my story can help some of you too.
My teen daughter has been suffering from manic and depressive states for a few years now. Although we could see the manic part she was very good at hiding the depressive part. It wasn't until she felt suicidal and and the urging of her confidant that we ever found out. Some times she spent all night texting and talking on her cellphone and since we knew she had severe trouble sleeping we blamed the cell phone and took it away at 9pm. We thought we were being responsible parents. but that only made her more depressed and suicidal, needless to say as soon as she confessed to her feelings, we imidiately sought help any where and everywhere we could, therapy, psychiatrists, and I spent hours day and night scouring the internet for help. She was diagnosed with Bi'polar and schizoeffective dissorder, and put on medication. However she did nothing but sleep, (which wasn't all bad since she hadn't really slept in a long long time. But there is no quality of life if your not alert enough to live it. We also faced the challenges of her refusing to 'take pills" for the rest of her life or on any consistant basis. And our own denial that our bright beautiful girl had this terrible disease.
Through all of my research I finally found the Amen Clinic. Founded by Dr. Amen. We took her there and they took 2 SPECT scans of her brain, one while active and one while at rest. A SPECT scan shows you how your brain functions. What areas are over active and what areas are underactive or even damaged due to trauma. Then they treat the areas that need it. No guessing! Boy what a difference it has made in our daughters compliance with taking her meds. And although we found out she has some serious issues (one of which is a very depressed brain while it is at rest)(No depression while active)(Note her inability or refusal to sleep, also our not seeing her in a depressed state since we were sleeping) Explains why she got so much worse when we took the cell away at night.)
She will not have to be on medication for life. The doctors and therapists were not exactly wrong either she does have a cylclic mood disorder, as well as some other issues we would never have known about, and now She is being treated for her exact brain and should be healthy and happy in a few months time of treatment. Dr Amen has written numerous books one very valuable one is "Change your Brain, Change your Life" I highly reccommnend anyone and everyone read this.
It all makes so much sence to us you think you have broken a bone we have xrays to look inside the body, you get pregnent we use ultra sounds to look inside and watch the developing fetus to make sure it is healthy so why not the brain? I also know first hand how Bi-polar and the other psychiatric illnesses that plague so many of us or our family or friends can be financially draining, I for one will be forever grateful to Dr Amen and his amazing clinic and physicians for giving us understanding and real answers to the very real problems facing our daughter. To her new found willingness to go along with treatment and the hope it has givin her to stay on this earth and live another day!
Amenclinic.com could be just the the begining for many of you as well.
Good luck
And God Bless, david Oliver and Dr. Amen
Lu
helenm and liz,
Thank you. I'm not a teacher or a nurse but I have recognized my own patterns...mania has never been a friend of mine. This is my 2nd bipolar relationship. Both men, very introverted normally... sensitive and insightful. The first man slept with my best friend for about 6 months before I figured it out. I left him. When he realized I was never coming back, he tried to kill himself. Thankfully, he wasn't successful. For years I've felt responsible as I watch him struggle and know that he wants me back. I see all that history repeating itself now. My current relationship...we had a pact to never stop believing in each other. Leaving him feels like I've stopped believing even though in my heart I haven't. I love him so much. It's hard to watch someone you love struggle and not be able to stop it. This is when I pray and I cry and I pray. May God be by ALL your sides.
Yes, Dave - I read the horror stories every week in your BipolarNews. and they upset me so. I felt really bad when they disclosed that the gunman was OFF his medication. This truly gives mental illness another bad name. If your email today doesn't get EVERY bipolar survivor the wake-up call to continue/start their medications, then I don't know if there's any hope for them.
When I read your email about the young man who shot his father, I started taking my Zyprexa EVERY night again. I had stopped taking it because I wanted to pull an all-nighter occasionally, and I was afraid it would put me to sleep. I became VERY afraid that I would do something completely out of character if I stopped my meds - that's why I got back on them. It doesn't make a difference now if I take my Zyprexa at night any more, because it DOESN'T make me sleepy, and I can continue pulling my all-nighters occasionally, while maintaining my nightly ritual of ALWAYS taking my meds as PRESCRIBED.
You see - I thought I was ABOVE what my psychiatrist had told me about taking meds - "oh, it won't hurt if I don't take them occasionally" - but, as I said, your emails were shockers that "scared me straight."
I now take ALL my meds religously, and am starting to go to bed (sometimes) before Midnight. My therapist says if I maintain an "ebb and flow" in my sleep patterns (sometimes getting less sleep, sometimes getting more), I shouldn't have to worry about another episode. BUT - I constantly have the fear that hypomania will turn into mania LIKE THAT and get me in its grip.
So - I guess all I wanted to add is that - PLEASE take your meds as prescribed, and stay on the straight and narrow - and you will become stable before you know it.
BIG HUGS to all bipolar survivors and those who love them. Stay sane, and may God bless you real good.
VICKI, some of your descriptions sound extremely dangerous, especially the scene with your husband in the car. You have the sense to know that you need medication and your doctors don't seem to have found the right "cocktail" for you yet. You need to find the right doctor/pdoc, who will probably do some tests to find out what medicine works for you. It looks like your husband is very supportive, which helps. Dave mentioned in one of his emails a couple of weeks ago that he has a list of doctors. Also, I remember there was a bipolar psychiatrist on this blog not long ago, who may be able to help. Best of luck!
To LU: Although your Dr. Amen seems to have found a way to diagnose mental illness with brain scans, there is still now accurate way of pinpointing bipolar with a brain scan. What probably changed your daughter's attitude toward her bipolar is: she was given a PHYSICAL reason for her behavior. This can sometimes be very comforting to those who suffer ANY kind of illness. You give your feelings a NAME, and that suffices.
PLEASE, make sure she continues her medications, for life, if need be. I know if she becomes stable on her regimen, she will continue to be your "bright and beautiful" daughter for years to come.
This sort of news is scary and shocking. However, we don't know for sure whether the gunman was bipolar or something else.
I agree with Liz that bipolar people can be very charming, passionate and full of fun while they are "up". Also their creativity and often unconventional ideas are attractive to me, as I am a bit like that myself. I have known a number of bipolar people over the years in various situations - some on medication, some not and in denial about their condition, but I have never known one to be violent. My boyfriend before he was diagnosed and on the right medicine, from what I heard, was very irresponsible and reckless during a manic episode and suicidal during a depressive episode. But he was never violent or did any harm to anyone - just doesn't have that tendency. The same goes for my ex-husband. Although he refuses to get help and denies that he has a problem, he can be verbally abusive, but never physically violent.
The bipolar landlady I stayed with for a while, was aggressive enough and scared me at times, especially when she had PMT. But she never physically attacked me. She was barred from a number of pubs for being loud mouthed and disruptive. She was diagnosed, but refused to take medicine or see a psychiatrist or therapist, calling them all the names under the sun and "It's them who are all mad, not me!" She had a child, then 5 years old, who she abused verbally and emotionally, though not physically. Her ex-husband was trying to gain full custody - I never heard the outcome, so don't know what happened. Although at the time she didn't physically harm anyone, it would never surprise me if one day I heard her name on the news in connection with something terrible.
In the street where I lived with my now ex-husband was a schizophrenic (not bipolar) young man. He was very polite and well mannered and normal while he took his medicine. But he often forgot or deliberately didn't want to take it and when he was off the medicine he was "off his head". He would throw things around, shout, swear and threaten people. Once he tried to strangle his doctor. The last time he was hospitalised the doctors worked out that, as he could not be trusted to take his medicine regularly, it was best for him to have an injection every now and then. That seems to have put him back on the right track again.
dear dave ,me and my family was having a nite at home after i got off of work.the phone rang,it was family members calling me. my nephew just murdered my sister and her husband!it was on the news but we wasnt watching t.v. my nephew had been in jail alot and had went to prison,while in prison they put him on meds for bipolor/scetophrinia.wellin time they let him out, he got off the meds, he ran out. he and his mom tried to get more and couldnt, he had been off for 2 weeks. he horribly decapitated and dismembered my sister and her husband!he did other grusom things as well.he eventually called 911 saying what he had done. when they arrived,he was laying in the floor with his moms head with a knife in his rectom.hes in prison for life and on a colostimy bag. now i just found out my son has bipolor.hes currently on meds, hes only 12. i am very worried,about his future,and mine raising him,cause the med they put him doesnt control all of his anger. thank you for understanding and sharing with us that are going threw bad things with family with bipolor.your friend kat
dear dave ,me and my family was having a nite at home after i got off of work.the phone rang,it was family members calling me. my nephew just murdered my sister and her husband!it was on the news but we wasnt watching t.v. my nephew had been in jail alot and had went to prison,while in prison they put him on meds for bipolor/scetophrinia.wellin time they let him out, he got off the meds, he ran out. he and his mom tried to get more and couldnt, he had been off for 2 weeks. he horribly decapitated and dismembered my sister and her husband!he did other grusom things as well.he eventually called 911 saying what he had done. when they arrived,he was laying in the floor with his moms head with a knife in his rectom.hes in prison for life and on a colostimy bag. now i just found out my son has bipolor.hes currently on meds, hes only 12. i am very worried,about his future,and mine raising him,cause the med they put him doesnt control all of his anger. thank you for understanding and sharing with us that are going threw bad things with family with bipolor.your friend kat
dear dave,one nite when i got home from work me and my family planned to spend the nite in, when the phone rang,it was family,they told me that my nephew had murdered my sister and her husband and that it was on the local news,we hadnt seen the news,isaid.my nephew had been in and out of jail alot and eventually went to prison while in there they put him on meds for bipolor/scitzophrinia.he had been released and was livin with his mom(my sister)and her husband. he ran out of meds and they had been trying to get more but couldnt threw his parole officer.2 weekslater,he decapitated and dismembered my sister and her husband and did other grusom things!he eventually called 911 and said he had killed his mom HELP! when the police arrived the house was a bloody mess and he was laying in the floor with his moms head beside him and a knife in his rectom! he is now in prison for life wearing a colostimy bag.i found out my son that is only 12 has bipolor.i am very worried about his future and mine trying to raise him.the med they put him on doesnt completely control his anger.i wanted to share this with u and your readers and to tell you thanks for your sharing and understanding,if theres any thing you can tell me to help me cope please feel free,your friend kat
Dave,
thanks for your post today. I
am so thankful for the honesty you
put forth in each post. I will print this out so I will have it
on hand.
As always a good job well done.
Hugs,Alexa
i don't want to leave a comment like everyone else dating a bipolar person, but i can't help it because i'm going through the same things. my boyfriend is a great guy, a wonderful father. and his nickname is angry name (don't want to put his name).
here's my situation: my bf knows he's bi polar. he says when he was younger he had to go to counceling i don't think he's been on medication before.
he has been mildly violent.like he pushed me before. but the thing i worry about is that every time we get into an arguement, which is usually him yelling and me biting my tounge, he threatens me. he tells me he's going to beat my ass. afterwards when we talk about it he will say that he just says things like that to scare me. he says that he would never do something like that.
one time he even admitted to me that he uses his anger. that he knows people get scared of him so he uses his anger basically to control people, although again he doesn't do that to me, well intentionally anyway.
the thing about it is, he knows when he's acting like this. after every 'episode' he always comes and cries and apologizes to me and i do believe that he's sincere.
but how do i know if the threats will become something more one day. and i'll be totally blindsided. and should i tell him how i feel without holding back or would that just make things worse?
Mental illness is like physical illnesses. Diabetics who don't take their medications, which includes their diet, get very ill and some die. The difference with mental illnesses, is without medications, they are really capable of ANYTHING. Think of your worst outcome--and it can happen!
Gra'
LMAO!!
BP
BPSerenity! Put that A## back on! You'll never go without it ...
To KAT: You have my deepest sympathy on the tragic loss of your sister and her husband. Also, the deplorable condition of your nephew. If only someone had cared enough to see that he took his medications...
I'm sorry your son has bipolar. Make sure he gets a good doctor and follows Dave's succinct treatment plan. Try to control his rages as best you can, though only through proper treatment with medications can do that. And don't waiver in your love for him. He will need it as he navigates his life with this dis-ease.
It's not easy being a person with bipolar disorder. I had my first nervous breakdown 40 years ago, and my last hospitalization 31 years ago - so it IS possible to lead a fairly stable and highly-functional life with bipolar. But you MUST follow his doctor's regimen, and, sometimes, give him "tough love."
You are in my prayers as you deal with your grave situation. I wish you God's patience and love.
To LU: I meant to say, "there is NO brain scan that can indicate bipolar disorder," not "NOW." I apologize for the typo.
As a bp supporter I can attest to the fact that unstabality in treatment can spawn horrible things. although my partner has not been professionally diagnosed with bp. I have been bitten.hit on threatend etc. After living wiath someone for 13+ years and have witnessed this dissorder develope & I know that Dave's stories are definently the truths. I am not giving up & will continue to try & get my partner the help taht he needs. I have been trying to do it all myself but don't have the time & resources to complete what needs to bre done. I am in the process of loosing everything because I have been supporting a loved one for the last 12 month & my financial resources are just about depleted. I have tho turn everything over to my maker now. I have no one elses support. But I believe one day it will come my way (HELP) that is.And dave, thank you for all the research & advise you share so unselfishly.
Dave, Indianapolis
Liz;
I'm glad you articulated as to why some of us are attracted bipolar people. Before I got involved with my boyfriend, I'd always thought those people who stayed in an abusive relationship were those of low self-esteem. I really don't think that I have low self-esteem, so I was struggling to understand why I would try to stay in this relationhip. Your theory helped me see it from a different light and somewhat makes me feel better.
I do understand, though, about boundaries. As much as we want to help them, there ought to be boundaries. Even though it's his illness, not himself, that hurts me physically, I should not let it go on. It's not easy, though, to make him understand that it's not that I'm abandoning him, but he needs to take the responsibility for his own action.
Anonymous,
Hi,I'm glad that my view helped. Right now I am working very hard to stand by those boundaries. It's a fine line and my fiancé does turn to alcohol when things get stressful. He is working a new job and it is very physical. He had back surgery about 5 years ago and has not had to work a steady job in years because of family money. His previous partner did not see his sporadic working or drinking habits as detrimental. Long story short, he wants me to accept the drinking right now because he is in pain. He knows that I do not and I have tried to get him to seek alternative pain management. In the meantime, I get lied to which is worse than the drinking. I am sitting back and waiting until he realizes that drinking isn't the answer, and I pray that it doesn't take him into a depression. He is still taking his other meds...lithium and zyprexa but they could be washed out if this continues. It hasn't been heavy and he only has another day before going back to work and then he will not use alcohol(he can't and do this job the next day). This time I am trying to wait it out and give him time to come back to himself and me on his own. Right now he has distanced himself and sees me as the enemy. There can be a fine line between wanting to be a helper and support person and the one who has to do it all. Like I have said before, he has to want this life and quite frankly I think it scares him. Does he get violent? No, but the rage can surface when he drinks even a few beers and it's not pretty. What I really thinks triggers the rage is the fact that he isn't being true to himself, or what I have learned to identify as being in a state of, "self-betrayal". He does not see it that way and wants to "blame" me for becoming upset over the lying in regard to where he is when he goes out for a few. That is what I have made the focus and the boundary for the moment, I will not accept the lying first of all and the cause is the addiction... So here I am, standing my ground about lying. The answer I get to this is, "OK, I was wrong to lye and now when I stop for a drink you will get the truth, but only if I can trust that you won't get upset about it." Well, of course it upsets me but I will try not react to the drinking next time. I also know that he will see the light again, and when he does my heart will be open. Keeping it open means I have decided what is more important and that is building trust and honesty in our relationship. Once he knows that I am only here to love and support him, I am confident that he will come back to managing this illness. Does anyone really know of a person with BP who can drink and leave it a just a few? He can not and yet he tries. I really do not believe that to be possible and the doctor has actually given him medication that will lessen the desire to drink. This is one thing he has yet to do. It is not Anabuse but less severe, I can't recall the name of it but as someone else said, "you can lead a horse to water but...you can't make him drink" or not drink and take this medicine to help him in this case. He say, too many pills... I keep my heart at peace and hold tight to my sense of who I am...a sense of humor helps too.
Here is what I really want to say to you though. Please forgive the side steeping into my own story. I hope that you will remain strong and not accept the abuse as I would not accept the lying. If it takes stepping away perhaps that will motivate him into seeking treatment. Does he realize that he has been hurting you after the fact? That is when I believe he that he would be the most receptive to seeking medical help. Have you approached him and been insistent about seeking help when he is asking forgiveness? Have the numbers of a few good doctors ready and offer to make the calls if necessary. This is how I handled it and then made it a condition for the sake of our relationship and for our love to continue to grow strong. Since we live together and want to make it work no matter what he was agreeable. I truly wish you the best in getting him to see the light. You are an angel on Earth, but you can't help until he is ready. I met my fiancé 15 years ago and had to walk away then. Now he is ready and accepting of the fact that he will be on meds for the rest of his life. This is not easy but our love is strong and our ups certainly out way the downs this time around.
Take care and my thought are with you,
Liz
My daughter was only diagnosed as bipolar a little under a year ago. She has been hospitalized 3 times, twice were for suicide attempts and 2 other times she was in rehab. The only time she did well was when she was on her meds. Now that she is living with me ( she lost her apartment) I see the differences in her even if she doesn't take her meds at the same time every day. She is on 3 mood stabilizers, a antidepressant and an anxiety med. She finally has a great therapist and a great psychiatrist. With the mania under control, she is now dealing with a destructive relationship. She would rather help everyone else but herself. I'm hoping her work with her therapist will help. She has been clean for 30 days. She realizes she "self-medicates" when her "legal" meds are not quite right. Sometimes I get frustrated, especially because I am caring for my grandson since all this occurred, but there is no one else in the family trying to understand her disease. I agree with Dave that the bottom line to controlling bipolar disease is supporting your love one to keep taking their meds and working with their doctor to find the right combination that works for them. I think Dave only tows a hard line with the meds because he, like me, has seen the difference it makes in our loved ones life! I live for the days when "my baby" is back and I cry when I feel her leaving us again. I wish everyone well, and don't give up! There really is hope out there and you just have to keep looking for it!
My fiance is off his meds cause he spends the money before i can buy them. this has been going on for at least lets say 3-4 months. he has gotten more and more violent since then and also very suspicious of everyone. the last incident was just this past Friday when he pulled two knives on me and threatened to kill me if i didn't say that i did something i hadn't so i tried to concoct a story to say that i did. i barely escaped with my life. when he walked away for a brief moment i think to smoke i ran to the balcony door and barely got out by the skin of my teeth. he dropped the knives in the process of trying to stop me and i jumped off the balcony (2nd floor) topless and barefoot. he threw a shirt to me when he saw what i did and i ran away.
at the beginning of the episode i knew he was going to flip cause he had been on edge for most of the week due to our living situation and finances. he stayed out the night before and lost the money we had to move out and take care of our car. then he came home and began making accusations and said he saw me in the window looking out when i was sound asleep (i had gone to sleep exhausted after waiting up for him for 5 hours and being up all night before dealing with his anxiety i fell into a dead sleep and didn't even hear him come in).
That morning when i awoke i called him and he screamed "WHAT" and i knew it had begun. i went to the door to use the bathroom it was locked so i knocked. when he came to the door (he looked like a wild animal) he yelled at me again slammed the door and told me to use the broken toilet. i called a friend to come and pick me up, packed my bag and quietly left the house. when he heard the door slam he chased me and begged me to come back and apologized said he was just freshening up to apologize to me. dumb me, i went back and as soon as i was inside he slammed the door and proceeded to punch, choke and brutalize me forbidding me to scream, or talk all this before finally pulling out the knives when i went to the kitchen. he has no-one who understands his condition but me. i have been his supporter for 2 years. i have two daughters and thank GOD the are with my mom right now and never saw the violence but they know something is wrong and don't really like him. i feel torn between two lovers cause i love my children and they need me to grow up mentally healthy as well and then there's him and he's so lovable when he's good. i really don't know what to do cause he wants me to come back and we need to move out tomorrow and i'm terrified and my family want me out of there.
Haytay84,
take it very seriously and try to get him on meds. my fiance did the same apologizing thing every time he became violent and "i was only talking i would never do any of those things" but he did try to choke me on several occasions, beat me on several occasions, slapped my glasses off my face and injured my eye so i now see a floater and occasionally light flashes which the doctors don't see a reason for the flashes ...say they don't see rips in the retina but they still flash anyway, punched in the stomach twice, the last time i could hardly run from him due to the pain in my stomach but i ran anyway for my life...
Lost Without You. I'm not a doc or any kind of professional in the psychiatrict field but I do know about the kind of rage he has expressed towards you. Knowing that, I'd suggest that you are at severe risk and recommend you get out now before you lose your life and your kids, their Mum. He may be the most loving and caring guy om Earth when he's stable, and if he did anything to you, he may quite easily be wracked with such remorse that he would instantly kill himself because he loves you. But knowing he'd deeply regret harming you after the fact wouldn't do YOU any good! Realise if he's hit you once, almost certain he'll do it again unless he gets immediate treatment. If he doesn't, just watch out for the violence - fists snd feet at best, knives at worst - to come flying at you with great ferocity.
For what it's worth, that's my advice, and I'm a BP who has once (I hope only once...) been filled with murderous feelings and just looking for an excuse to fulfill them. But I'm lovely ... for now.
David, et al,
Have you seen the academic article published last year claiming evidence of 'accelerated shrinking of the brain' in people with BP, a condition which apparently gets progressively worse with each episode?
Dr. Andrew McIntosh, senior lecturer in psychiatry and lead researcher at St Andrews University in Edinburgh, said:
"For the first time, we have shown that as people with bipolar disorder get older, a small amount of tissue is lost in parts of the brain that are associated with memory and the coordination of thoughts and actions. The amount of brain tissue that's lost is greater in people with multiple episodes of illness and is associated with a decline in some areas of mental ability."
Apparently, the area of brain affected is that controlling memory, face recognition and co-ordination. Well, that would explain a lot!!
He continued saying, "Although we do no yet know the cause of this brain shrinkage, it may be that repeated episodes of illness harm the brain and lead to the decline. Another possibility is that the brain changes are caused by stress or genetic factors, which tend to lead both to more frequent illness episodes and to greater brain loss. Further research will be required." Or, I suppose it might mean that, whatever genetic factors cause the shrinkage may also cause the BP ... egg and chicken, chicken and egg ...
Three words underdescribe my feelings at reading this:
"What a bummer!", which even more politely translated into American English means, "Shoot!" Of course, we are actualy thinking, "Oh ####! I'm ######!" (Fill in the gaps yourselves.)
But I shall hang on to the knowledge that one of the greatest British writers of the 20th Century, Virginia Woolfe, was BP and brilliant in spite of it right up to her untimely death because of the illness ... and she lived for about 60 years. That;s how I like it - bad news temperede and followed by good news! (That positive enough for y'all??)
So, when you Supporters are next having a (justified) whinge about your lot with a BP partner/off-spring/relative/friend/dog/cat/whatever, just remember, YOU can walk away from the BP, but those of us with it can't. No cry for sympathy here; we have to get in with it, make the best of a bad job, like it or not, and we generally don't like it, but we try to live with it anyway. Most of us succeed in doing that at least, while others don't. That's just the way it is.
i am diagnosed with bipolar. i just took child development and decided to learn more about my mothers postpartem psychosis by doing my presentation on it. 2 birds right? turns out they think there is a link to bipolar and post partem psychosis. turns out after evaluating 5 different mothers who actually killed thier children... i can see the likenesses. i will not accept my personality has to be medicated. can i keep a job? no. can i keep a friend or a relationship with a man? no. Do all of my teachers hate me? yes. doesnt matter... i am convinced that i was taught poorly, that i was sheltered and raised by someone who was bipolar. this can be changed i can unlearn this. so far this train of thought has gotten me off meds, Not without reprocussions. I got my picture on the front page of my hometown paper taken mid- assaulting a minister on the courthouse lawn for having an anti abortion rally on MY street..., that was coming off of them. then i lost my boyfriend, my job, dropped out of college and went into the woods to live in my van. it took me 2 years to get back to where i have a job a boyfriend and i am in school. i am almost 30 and had been concidering the clock on having children. now that i have worked so hard on this horrible presentation i want to go back to my van. would i be doing everyone a favor? he tries so hard to show me he loves me, would i be showing everyone how much i love them if i just stop now and i wont kill myself. no worries i wont subject my own children to this so i wont be having them and i wont hate on other people for it, i know that is my usual methode of handling things but i just keep thinking if i can do this i can show others how i did it. i like me, just nobody else does and i am who i am and refuse to take medicine for it. the violence is the scary part. its the part of me i'm so scared of, it happens so fast, everything else i seem to be able to catch in time with frustrating effort, they tell me to excersize but everytime i do i build muscle like a man and i seriously attack people...i cant believe it myself. i dont eat or workout i only weigh 100 pounds so i cant hurt anybody. i wanted a gun for protection in my van but i know that i need protection from myself most of all and other people should be armed if they disagree with me at the wrong time. so, i cant let me have one. this is the scariest part. they dont know how hard i am trying, so they cant be blamed for not understanding me, but something happens when i know how hard i am trying and everyone is still disappointed with me and when they start they dont know... at the worst they think i am a selfish bitch, nobody knows i am bipolar unless i tell them, nobody knows enough to know that means back the fuck up, i dont want to collect disability. i want to be an art therapist, i dont want to be alone i want all my friends to forgive me, i am smart but no one seems to think so but me, i am the only one who thinks i'll make it there unmedicated. i had an opportunity the other day, well i have one everyday, but i only allow myself the ones i think anyone would take. basically, i was right and the other person was wrong and making a seen about it and i combined myself and i made her look like an ass without even raising my voice or making a threatening gesture, there were other people and they disagreed with me, as usual, and i insulted them all like a real bitch! but i was in control and i didnt cry or do any of the things a person earns themselves a diagnosis by doing. its really something, i had been avoiding confrontation by avoiding the world and i was able to show myself that day that its getting better, i would really appreciate if even one professional has been diagnosed with this and made it, without taking the meds, to contact me. i need my own kind and not the ones who arent trying. i want to do this. i think there is in all likelyhood a good chance my behavior is learned and with alot of time and effort it can be adapted without meds, nobody i have gone to for therapy has wanted to do anything other than medicate me and talk about my mother. i am in school for therapy. i have learned alot, right under thier noses and they dont KNOW. i almost have my batchelors. i go to school when i am depressed not manic, i cant do this manic. i like manic while i am doing it but i just am so embarrassed when it's over. i handle it by creating a new image and going to a big city and getting lost in sex and drugs until i'm spent. then i get like really timid and scared of all the stuff i just did and i hide in school hoping nobody KNOWS. i want to be an unmedicated bipolar art therapist i want to look at my people someday and tell them we can so do this. I'm not asking for anyone elses opinion, if you have nothing nice to say i am not the one to say it to, but if i could find one other who thinks they are seriously getting better, without meds it would help me to feel that i am not lieing to myself. i have this feeling that if i ever succeed this will all be like a bad dream and they will all tell me oh so sorry we must have misdiagnosed you. there are 9 people who i would like to show my future degree to, one person flat told me this cant be done. i'll never forget who those people are.
wish me luck!
To LIZA: NO, you do NOT have your bipolar under control WITHOUT medications. For one, your blog was rambling; you repeated yourself; and you evidenced plenty of anger and rage. I bet your art has plenty of vivid colors and abstract ideas. You will NOT be a successful artist (or anything else) if you don't take prescribed medications.
I know right now that you feel you are on a crusade to get people OFF their medications; but I assure you, there is no one who has led a successful and stable life WITHOUT medication AND therapy. You can take all the social psychology courses you want, and they WON'T have the answers.
YES - you ARE intelligent; perhaps genius level. But hiding in the woods won't give you a complete life. Mania IS a lot of FUN; but do you enjoy the "crash?" You say you only go to courses when you are NOT manic, only "down." How well do you learn in that condition?
You will NOT be able to sustain any interpersonal relationships OR a job in an unmedicated state of bipolar disorder. This is a PROVEN fact. However, if you ENJOY your misery - then I'm "blowing in the wind" and you'll just disregard my advice.
Good luck to you; I hope you have a pleasant life.
Liza:
Maybe you're getting bad side effects from your meds so you prefer not to take them. I found some all natural medications on line which my fiance is taking and they are helping with no side effects. Maybe that would help.
You're really testing very dangerous waters the way you're going. Just think of your meds as either a vitamin or other medication you need. Your quality of life will be much better if you get on meds that help you maintain your balance.
check out www.nativeremedies.com also http://www.ExclusiveHealthProducts.com/happy3for33.html
Check with your doctor and read the testimonials.
They might help you too.
Good Luck to you