Know this key to supporting someone w/ bipolar disorder?

Hi,

How's it going? I wanted to write you something
really quick about a person that called yesterday.

This person actually got one of my courses/systems
and her daughter has bipolar disorder. She was
a REALLY nice person.

I felt really bad for her because her daughter's
bipolar disorder was, what I call, running over
her.

Her daughter had run her through the
ringer.

She asked me on the f.ree consultation form
that she sent in for NON medical and NON
legal questions because I am NOT a doctor,
lawyer, accountant, insurance person, etc:),
about what to do concerning her daughter.

It's kind of a long story so I won't go
over it here. But the bottom line is her
daughter had done a number of bad things.

This person wanted to know what to do
since the daughter was now in jail for
doing something bad. I don't want to
give the exact details for privacy reason.

Anyway, the mother could bail the daughter
out of jail and was asking my opinion.
The case worker said to leave her in jail
to learn a lesson that she needs to take
her bipolar disorder seriously and take
her bipolar disorder mediations as prescribed.

I agreed with the case worker. The mother
was going to decide between bailing her
daughter out again in more ways than one.
She was speaking about the jail but she had
"bailed" her daughter out of all kinds of
other problems for a long time.

I could totally relate myself. I have bailed
my mom out of so many things. NEVER jail
however but taxes, car payments, getting
a car, getting a job, undoing what she did
to neighbors, family members, mistakes
made at all kinds of jobs, mistakes made
with her purchases, etc. etc. etc. I paid
her taxes 7 years in a row.

Anyway, I told this woman that I had enabled
my mom. The woman said she was enabled her
daughter. I agreed. She said it was so hard
to not do it. She was trying the "tough
love" approach. That's something I speak about
in my course. She said it wasn't working but
it worked sometimes.

I asked her some questions because I could
tell she was unsure what to do. I asked her:

Have you been helping your daughter for many
years? YES!

Have you been bailing your daughter out on
all kinds of things including financial things?
YES!

Does your daughter appreciate what you have done?
NO!

Does your daughter take her medication as prescribed
and go to a doctor regularly? NO!

Do you think what you have done with your daughter
has worked or is working? NO!

Do you know what the definition of insanity is?

She paused and I think she may have thought I
was crazy because that question doesn't really
go with my other ones. I told her.

It's doing the same thing over and over and
hoping for a different result.

I then asked her, do you think if you bailed
your daughter out of all her problems for the
next 10 to 20 years, would you get a different
result? Would one day she snap out of it and
start doing the right thing? She laughed
and started to understand she was off track.

I told her that's how I started doing what
I do what my mom. I said to myself one day.

"Self, hmmm. You've spent over $250,000 on
mom over 7 years...how's that working?"

I said back to myself "Hmm. Not well. She
needs more money each month."

"Self, do I think if I keep fixing my mom's
problems she will get better all of a sudden?"

I said back to myself, "No. I have tested my
one way of doing it, the test has failed, I
need a new plan, strategy, etc."

NO I don't have dissociate identity disorder
and NO I am not crazy. I know I will get emails
that say something like "You know, if you talk
to yourself, that means you have a mental illness,
your mom has a mental illness so why don't you
start looking at yourself."

I have to laugh because that's going to come from
some people on my list that have bipolar disorder
and aren't really stable. They are going to read
this and then want to get my off track so I
start thinking about whether or not I have mental
illness because I had a conversation with myself.

Okay, back to the point so I don't look like I
have ADD.

The mistake so many people make who are supporters
is this: They enable. They keep on doing EVERYTHING
for a person with bipolar disorder for years.

It gets worse and worse because there is NO reason
for the person to get better. I asked the nice
lady I spoke to, "Do you think if you keep doing
the same thing longer, it will some how work magically?"
She said no.

I asked her this important question as well:

IS THERE ANY REASON FOR YOUR DAUGHTER TO
STAY ON HER MEDICATIONS?

I answered it for her. There's no reason. Since this
woman handles all her problems from not taking medication,
what's the incentive to take medication? There's none.

With myself and my mom, I started to give incentives to
do the right thing. If my mom doesn't keep her finances
together, she will go broke and I will not pay a dime.
There are only two things that I will always pay for
which I describe in my supporter course/system but I
don't want to reveal here because it needs a 30 minute
conversation as to why these two things.

There's a lot to learn about this. I teach it
extensively in my courses/systems. If you have
bipolar disorder, you can learn how to avoid
creating huge problems for the people around
you following a number of techniques.

SUPPORTING AN ADULT?
Visit:
http://www.bipolarsupporter.com/report11

SUPPORTING A CHILD/TEEN?
Visit:
http://www.bipolarparenting.com

HAVE BIPOLAR DISORDER?
Visit:
http://www.survivebipolar.net

I ALMOST FORGOT SOMETHING

What's my mom think? She loves what I did.
Really. She likes to be independent and
she is now. She is glad that I broke
the dependency chains. She said to me
the other day "Who wants to be
totally dependent on someone? Not me."

I have to run. Have a great day.



Your Friend,

Dave

P.S. Check out my F.ree blog with copies of emails
that I have sent in the past and lots of great
information for you:
http://www.bipolarcentral.com/supporterblog/

P.P.S Check out my F.ree podcast. Hear me give
mini seminars designed to teach you information you can't learn anywhere else.