Bipolar Parenting

Working on Goals

2007-04-08T21:42:00.000-05:00

It has been awhile and I apologize. I was voted on the board for the Nebraska Support Network that works with families who need support for their children with special needs. So I haven't had time to share with you some techniques as much as I would like. I promise will try harder for you.

I did want to tell you that our routine is working well. There are bumps in the road at times, and I do get tired, sometimes I want to scream, but I stand my ground and haven't given up ( key is to have a support person you can go to when you need a time out or advice or just to vent). Having a routine is important for children. But here I am almost a month later and it is working. Took some struggle as my son was resistant. But including him in the process made it a litter easier. We worked on the routine together. When he wasn't a willing participant, I made sure he had consequence when called for. As in life for every action there is a consequence and you have to make sure you follow through even if it means it is hard on you. In the long run it will pay off. ( Again that is why you need a support system for you)

Now that we have a routine and reward system in place, we are working on goals. Goals are important part of life. And just because a child may have bipolar or add, or adhd, or whatever, it is important for them to have goals. No matter how small they may seem. Your child needs to have a feel of achievement in order to succeed.

For my son it is hard, I know that he has his down days ( we don't use bad days as that is negative, we are using positive words, it makes a difference, that will be a different blogg)

So for starters, lets say your child has a routine in place, his/her goal is to accomplish the all or part of the routine but another aspect is to have them tell you want they want to accomplish.

My son for instance, his goal is to try and make it through an entire school day, with out excuses not to be in class. My son is the master of excuses when he doesn't want to do something. So the goal is when he really is overwhelmed he is to communicate that to his teacher with the IEP ( Individual education program) to raise his hand and form the the letter c ( the sign language letter "C") to let the teacher know he needs a chilly pass. That means he needs to be in a self contained room with an adult to calm down or process his feelings.

Let me explain the sign language of the letter "c" we have that in the IEP so he doesn't draw attention to himself and the other students don't know what he is leaving class for. But also as I have explained in other bloggs you need to give the teacher a list of triggers and body language your child expresses when overwhelmed when they are in an episode so the teacher can properly help your child when they are not recognizing the issue.

Another goal my son has is to make an effort to turn in his homework assignments. When he doesn't he has a consequence, when he reaches this goal for the week there is a reward, and we have a reward jar, that the both of us worked on together.

This way the goals seem more attainable and more rewarding. Also working on family goals as well helps the child know you too want to be an active part of their life. Like for my son and I our goal is to communicate better. We have eliminated the word cant. As that means you are incapable. He isn't paralyzed, so he can walk, he has down days but he can have those, he has bipolar disorder but doesn't mean he cant be successful. So one goal is to know he can accomplish anything with support and guidance.

I promise to share more. If you have specific techniques you want to know about let me know and I will do my best to advise.

Take care.
Stacey

Keeping a Routine

2007-03-10T11:52:00.000-06:00

Sorry it has been a while been very busy setting up schedules and getting my son back on track. It is a hard road, and we have hit some potholes along the way. But I have found that with my sons disorder a routine is key. Why because not having one makes them unfocused and causes them to go into episodes becuase they have a hard time with change.

So I try really hard to keep my son on a schedule and we do our best to follow it. I also had him take part in this as it was going to be what has to follow. So far the bed time routine is working well. What we have put to together is wind down time. What I mean by this is an hour and half before he is to go to bed we get together the things he will need for the next day and make a list, that way when he wakes in the moring he has a visual and can check off what he has done. May sound silly but it gives him confidence and there arent any suprises. He knows what to expect.

I do change the routine when he gets to comfortable, because life is about changes and he will experiance many of those when he is an adult. But I do the changes in baby steps. Bed time never changes nor does the med schedule and I am in charge of the the meds, I know that seems a little controlling but I want to make sure he is taking them and to understand it isnt a hanicap to have to take meds. Plus if I forget he know reminds me, so I am conditioning him to be responsible with is meds and taking them like he is supposed to.

One of our obsticles right now is getting him back to therapy, I did have in home therapy which was great but when my job changed insurance, the HSA doesnt cover that, and it is expensive, so I have been taking on the role as cargiver, mom and therapist, and have bought books, not that I am quailified by anymeans but I dont want to trick him into going because that does backfire, his therapist does call to check on how he is doing and gives me advice. But right now that is my pot hole I am trying to overcome.

Homework has been another issue, so our routine is to break up the time spent so he doesnt get overwhelmed nor refuse to go back and finish. I try to make sure the activeites are not over stimulating so he will go back to finish.

Now does the rountine happen over night? NO! Is your child going to be obstinate about it at first? YES! But it is up to you to be the broken record. Just like a teacher at school you have to stick to a plan, if the routine isnt working after a month then rework the plan. Teachers have to do it all the time with students they have a rountine and many children respond to it, if a few students dont then they rework the plan to help them get the education they need from that class. So as parents we need to be consistance and stick to a plan and keep a rountine. Just like you do when you are teaching your infant to sleep on thier own, you make a schedule/rutine and try very hard to stick to. Also make some quite time for you as well becuase at first you are the one that is going to have it the hardest. Even if your quiet time is taking a shower, take what you can get and make sure you try to get others to emtionally support you.

I have really great friends and when I am at the end of my frazzeled rope I call them, they may not have answers or suggestions but they keep me grounded and on task, they will tell me you can do. It helps having a cheering section not be mention someone to lean on.

Also make sure your routine isnt overwelming or over stimulating as that can cause them to shut down. Make it attainable for both you and your loved one. Nothing feels better than knowing you accomplished somthing even if it is small. For instance when my son goes to school and doesnt have any negative reports I give him lots or praise,as well as when he accomplishes a task on the routine chart, I praise him. Now he may not achieve it every day, but it is the small achievments that matter.

Take care.

Been Awhile

2007-02-12T20:53:00.000-06:00

Sorry I haven't blogged for awhile, alot has happened. One my grandmother who I consider my mother was diagnosed with terminal cancer, we have been trying to deal with her numbered days though I am not aware of how long she has. Which has been hard on mt son as he is closer to his great grandma, then his grandma (my mother) . When my husband died ( my grandmother took us in) my grandpa (whom was like a father to me had lung caner) he died February 12th my husband April 1st 2002 same year.

Any way this has been hard on us as we know mortality is nature. But on a good note my Son has learned to value life. We have had a hard journey and we still have a ways to go, but one thine is for certain, we have established open and honest communication.It took awhile and a lot of heartache on my part, but a learning experience on both parts. what I have learned is to never give in and to never give up.

My son battles everyday with bipolar some are great days others are war with himself and his emotions, I have learned that he does not want to behave manic but it is a part of his disorder, we have learned how to communicate more effectively. Which is a major break through. Did we get there fast no!!!!

With a lot of research, classes, and patients I have learned how to help him with his mood swings and his depression and manic times. How because I have devoted much of my time not to obsess what his disorder is but to understand how it works. Much like the weather it is never an absolute. We try to predict and keep records, sometime the patterns are the same, others they change, but what is prominate is communication, sometimes you have to practice tough love other times it is just listening and trying not to fix them.

My son is very intelligent and wants to lead a normal life, but define normal. What is normal to me isn't what is to everyone else. I am not a routine person, but he is. With structure and boundaries he has learned his limitations. It didn't happen over night in fact it happened 6 years and many mistakes later, but now we have a better relationship because I understand his language.

so what does that mean, here is an example, " leave me alone" that means I need your help but I don't know how you will react or if you will judge me, I don't want to be fixed, but listen to non judgemental, so when he tells me to leave him alone I tell him. " When you are ready I am here, I don't want to change you, but know what I can do to help, he has responded much better to this than anything else.

therapy, though he needs professional therapy to many of those who suffer with bipolar mean that they want to change who you are. I make sure he understands that they are not out there to change his wonderful personality, but to enhance his life, people don't understand that.

I am going to leave you with a thought, if you had cancer, or another ailment, you want to be who you are. Doctors recommend change, how are you going to react to change? Are you afraid they want to change who you are? No. They want to enhance your life to live longer and have a happy productive life, but those who have mental disorders aren't given that definition they are told there is something wrong with them. What is true they have a disorder all they need to change is bad habits not who they are.

Take care, I will be in touch soon
Stacey A.

Been some tough patches

2006-11-10T13:20:00.000-06:00

Cant believe how long it is has been, but so much has been going on I have, sometimes don't which end is up. My son has been truly cycling hard. I know some of it has to due with hormones and the other is not taking his meds like he is supposed to.

I do keep track when he doesn't take them and keep a chart of his behaviors, so when he refuses to go see his psychrist I go in and let the person know what he has been up to, what has been triggering him and then he will call my son on the phone and they will talk. This has only happened twice but it is irritating.

He hates therapy because as far as he is concerned he is content the way he is. I understand he is happy being home and not being at school because he can be in his room safe from critisim and judgment, however I tell him education is very important. I wish he could see this now!!!

I did get it arranged to where he could go to another school that is smaller and he would have to go only one hour a week to get his assignment's and do the home work at home. Will he do it. No because he finds the school to be in a scarry area, which I don't blame him there, from the outside it does look a little rough. But the teachers are very nice and equipped to handle him if he would only go.

I have worked my tail off of keeping him out of the system but if he continues to not go to school it is a possibility of truancy once again. It is a visicious circle. I wish there were smaller schools for our children so they could feel safe, where the teachers are able to educate our children according to their needs. I also wish for better healthcare for our children who suffer with bipolar disorder. Hopefully someday that will happen.

Sorry this is short this time, but I am going to tell you to keep strong, always have a support system and don't give up on your child.

Breaking Your Bad Discipline Habits

2006-09-22T09:16:00.000-05:00

Before I go into breaking down walls I thought I would touch on the subjects of breaking bad habits of parents discipline.

The reason is because before you break down walll with your child you need to have a better techinque of handeling your child/teen during the rough times

Nagging We all nag. And we all know how fruitless it is.

Either your child resorts to fibbing ("I did wash my hands! Really!") or he/she learns to tune you out.

Try this instead: Use eye contact and state your expectations as calmly as possible.

Fewer words are better. Instead of saying, "How many times do I have to tell you not to eat in the living room?" say, "No eating in the living room." And try not to load up on commands. It's better for him to do one thing (put on his shoes) than hear a whole string of orders Source

Yelling

What's true of nagging is doubly true of yelling -- we all do it, and we all feel guilty every time we do.

Even if it does occasionally get results, it just teaches your child that it's OK to raise his voice when he's angry.

Try this instead: A proper scolding that names the misbehavior at hand.
Your child really does need to know what he's done wrong, as long as you don't raise your voice or lose your temper.
Remain clame and explain that their misbehavior will not be tolerated. Children/teens know which buttons to push and sometimes thier goal is to get you to yell. Dont give in.

Issuing empty warnings

A good warning can be an effective discipline strategy. The problem comes when you threaten in anger, grossly exaggerate ("If you do that again, I'm not taking you outside all day"), or fail to be specific ("You'll be sorry!").

Try this instead: Make your warnings more specific and immediate. ("I'm warning you. If you don't give that toy back to your sister, I'm going to have to put you in time-out.") Use a calm, firm tone of voice that makes it clear you're in control.

Follow through and be consistant when you do warn them dont give them several chances you warn once and if they do not do as told then follow through with your warning. Kids will test you to see if you are actually going to follow through with your threat.

Giving the cold shoulder

While removing a privilege can be an effective penalty, turning away from your child when she wants to kiss and make up or giving her the silent treatment after she's misbehaved can make her feel unworthy of your love and affection.

Try this instead: Tell your child how upset you are. Just do it calmly without making her feel rejected. Your aim is to make it clear that it's the behavior that's driving you crazy, not her. This will help to open doors with your child to be able to communicate with you when they are upset. Children/teens need to know that even if they have done something wrong that was thier behavior that made you upset not them as a person. This techniche really can build more self esteeme and better communication skills.

Take Care
Stacey Adams

Sorry it has been awhile

2006-09-19T17:13:00.000-05:00

I know I was going to cover breaking down walls to help your child and yourself cope. However right now I am trying to get services for my son once again and change his IEP at school as he isnt attending once again. I know now why he isnt which is part of the breaking down walls. I didnt want any one to think I have forgotten about anyone. In the next couple of days I will have a more informative blog. I have had so much going and cant wait to share with you what I have learned.

Please hang in there.

Stacey A

Just as the services Start they end

2006-08-04T17:09:00.000-05:00

So it has been a while since my last post, mainly because working part time and then having inhome services for 8 hours a week. My time was really spent. It was time well spent. At first my son was restitant to the treatment because he didnt like then invading his space, but at the same time he was able to sit comfortably in the comfort of his own enviornment.

During this short time, my son was in charge of setting his own realistic goals. He was required to make his own chart and calendor so he could take ownership of his actions and was rewared or praised for the things he accomplished. What he didnt accomplish that week we carried it over and told him every goal is attainable some take more time then other.

One of the things that is upsetting is just as this program was starting to work, insurance deceided that he didnt need any more treatments because he has reached his maximum amount of care covered under the mental health behavior plan, which is so irritating. So right now I am left without a therapist and a pyschritrist for his meds, thankfully I have the rest of this month for his meds. So that is something I am going to have to work on getting.

However I did request from the therapist a treatment plan that I can follow until I can get addtional insurance to cover meds and his therapy. I am sticking to this plan as it is working. So far my son has been much more compliant and less resistant. We have included more exercise to his day, eliminated refined sugars and junk food. AS that was causing a lot of his irratablilty. Now we do still have some junk food in the house but it is placed in baggies in portions in which i know he can handle.

Next post I will cover breaking down the walls, as this is what has helped my son with moving forward.

My toes and eyes are crossed in hopes this continues as school is getting ready to start which means more IEP's.

Take Care.
Stacey Adams

Creating a more rountine enviorment

2006-07-07T16:57:00.000-05:00

I know I havent posted for awhile, alot of constant attention and therapy has been needed as my son is in the summer cycle of his disorder. He has come along way since last year, but has more to go.

Since his release from the therapy group home back in March, we have had a battle of keeping him consistant with his enviorment. My son tells me he is tired of all this therapy and just wants to live normally like all the other teen. I truely understand where he is coming from, but when he makes poor choices, becomes a hermit, refuses to leave the computer or the house, I get deply concerned.

So luckly I was able to find a respit service that will be providing 8 hours of in home services aweek which will be a total of 32 hours a month.

His therpist spends two hours a week with him, and then his CTA ( Community Treatment Aide) will be spending 6 hours a week working on social skills, anger managment, self esteme, hygene and making better choices. He doesnt know about the CTA yet as he isnt thrilled about the in home therpist.

Truly I had no choice since he woulnd go to the center I had to find away to make sure he gets the proper treatment he needs. This therepist is not your traditional kind where they ask how was your week and what are you feelings. she has a different approach that I like, when she comes in, she wil ask me " Tell me something good that you son did this week. I will tell her for example when he was helpful, things he did for himself and anything he may have accomplished.

After that she then will ask what was it that he needed to work on and I will tell her that he needs to control his impulses or he threw a fit because he was told no and though he didnt get his way he made the choice to sleep all day vs finding something else to do. Then she will offer to my son some techniques he can use and makes it very brief and then she plays a game with him. When they play a game she chooses the ones that can give him messages like when he played the game sorry and had to move back 4 spaces she asked him was there anytime this week you felt sorry for youself or for what you did and my son will say yes and she said so when you made that poor choice you actually went backwards kind of like in this game huh? My son said yes.

That is only one of the games, but I thought that was a great idea, it helps the child/teen learn how to cope and make better choices through everyday games. Many times when my son would see a therapist they kept it very clinical and my son had a hard time opening up because of the coldness of the session and with this new approach he has responded much better and has opened up a little.

This week he has four goals to accomplish and we made them simple for a sense of accomplishement. His first goal is to get 8 hours a sleep each night, to brush his teeth each day, to shower as needed and to do at the very least one choir, each time he accomplishs his goal for the day then he gets to the music he likes on my sterio, or watch a movie, or pick a family game to play. At the end of the week if he can hit 5 out of 7 then he can get an item of his choice that is no more than $10.00 if he cant find anything then he can save the money to spend for later.

Now I dont always have the money to give so I do exchanges such as if I cant afford to give him the money then we go to the skate park, to swimming, or he gets to go to his friends house so you can be inovative.

In home services arent for everyone and we have just started and the irritating factor is that I work all day then have them come it for two hours Monday - Thursday and that leave only Friday- Sunday to actually spend quality time with my son, so I will keep you posted of how it is working out.

I can tell you last night my son hated the fact his therapist was coming over and wanted me to cancel which I didnt and he did throw a fit, I mena nasty he wanted to break a glass on the table , he threw the broom at me and wanted to throw the jar of peanuts across the room which I was able to redirct him. When he got the glass and the butter knife from the kitchen I immediately took then away from him and asked him what he was trying to prove because all I see him doing his making a poor choice and possible ended up in the hospital for irractional behavior. He said I dont want her to come and I am so mad I can break that glass and I siad too bad she is coming over so you will have to cope with it. Of course he didnt want to and that is when he got the broom and I know he was only trying to manipulate me and it wasnt working, when the therapist rang the buzzer he bee lined to his room and wouldnt come out for about 10 mins but when he heard that the therapist would go in is room we would just take the door off he came out and told us how he felt and she told him that was fine to feel upset but she wasnt going anywhere until he participated.

Needless to say he did participate and ended up having fun playing the game they played and was in a good mood the rest of the evening.

Now Sunday will be a different story that is when the CTA makes thier first visit and my son has no idea that I have this in place. This out to be fun.

Keeping my fingers crossed.

www.bipolarcentral.com

Concerned Mother trying to help

2006-06-04T12:11:00.000-05:00

Today I am writing because I am truly scared that my son is getting worse. I have started in home therepy and the therapist that comes to visit is very nice and has a good rappor with my son. The thing is he knows how to manipulate the session, mask his feelings and really not express his true unhappieness. The only way I found this out was by a woman my son had been talking to online through a game he plays. The startling thing was he has developed a crush on her. He knows she is older than me, and has never seen her, but have talked to her. She too has bipolar disorder.

I appreciate the fact that my son felt he could come to me to let me know that he was calling this lady, but it so scared me as there are so many crimes against teens/children on the internet. When my son first told he sad mom I have to tell you something. I was thinking that he stole money from me again or that he broke something of mine, but worse he said Mom I met this lady on ruin scape and she is so nice and I really like her, we talk all the time and I want to know if you are ok with this.

In my mind I was thinking "NO I AM NOT OKAY WITH THIS" but had I came forward as blunt and angry he would have shut down and would have discontinue confiding in me. I told him the dangers of strangers of the internet and that just because he knows her name, how many children and grandchildren she has does consistute love. My son for the past month has been sucluding himself to the apartment and doesnt want to do any of the things he at one time found enjoyable. I know that this is a huge neon red flag. I know he feels that no one understands him and feels like and outcast, but it jsut isnt true. He really has a lot of friends that care about him and miss hanging out with him. I told my son that I was concerned he was in a depression cycle and I am willing to do what it take to help him through it but he said dont, I am fine.

I know he isnt fine because I had to find out from the lady he talks to. My son dialed her number and gave me the phone, I had to really constrain myself as since I didnt know the situation I didnt fly off the handle but approached the suject objectivly and listened as I wanted to know her intentions.

She told me the only reason she gave him her phone number was because he had threatened to kill himelf and she said she was afraid for him ( I was at work while this occured) She said what started it was he had asked her to be his online girlfriend and she said no thank you, I am too old for you and that is when he said then I should just kill my self then. If this is really true then I am grateful to her for talking him out of it. She also told me that she feels my son has a crush on her and that she doesnt want to hurt his feelings but would prefer him not to call her and devulge such intimate information about himself. She siad that my son feels like an outcast at school and that everyone makes fun of him, he said that his cousins when they are together ( which is twice a year for a total of 3 hours) make fun of him as well.

She said that he has been feeling depressed for awhile but doesnt want me to know as he doesnt want to go back to the hospital or to another theraputic group home. I told her that I apprecaite her letting me know and she said, I too have bipolar and I know what the ups and downs feel like, but you son really needs someone right now. So she gave me her number and I gave her my work number because if he does tell her he is in crisis then I can get him to the hosiptal and not come home and find tradgidy.

The hard part is going to be trying to find away for my son to leave her alone , as nice as she sounds on the phone, I still know nothing about her and have no Idea if her efforts are genuine or not. I know if I forbid my son contact with her he will just sneak and find away, if take the computer away he will just find a friends house or the librabry to go to and will call or communicate with his lady.

This isnt the first time he has developed an online crush, the first time was hard because I did forbid, took connection away and he snuck around until the person blocked his number so he could call them any more. I know my son tells me for the most part what he is feeling, but from what I am hearing he is truly in need of extra support and I tell him daily how much I love him and what he means to me. Last night when I was telling him he could only be on the phone for half an hour he got angry and was yelling at me. I remaind calm and told him that was the limit, my boyfriend tried to help the situation by explaining to him he had rules to follow. But that only made my son get upset and cry and he said why cant I just have what makes me happy, and I said because this lady just wants to be friends, and besides she is too old for you, you will find someone close to your age that will have the same understanding, you just have to be patient.

I told him I miss him and I going to breakfast on the weekends and he started to cry and said I do to, but you need to leave me alone, I told him I wasnt going to go to bed until I knew he was safe. So at about 2:30 in the morning I fell asleep, my son called this lady and my boyfriend stayed up and monitored the call until he got off which wasnt until 4:30 this morning.

I really dont have any answers right now other than I am going to sit my son down and have another heart to heart, but in the meantime I am going to contact his therapist, his old therapist and my friend who too is a therapist too see if we can brain storm how to help us out of this before it becomes a crisis.

Everyday I wish there was something more I could do take away all of his pain, heartache and fustration away, If I could take away his bipolar disorder and give it myself I would then that way could be happy. I try to share my strength with him when he is weak but he pushes it away. If my son could only see how much he means to me and how much I want him to be safe and have a happy and healty productive live, I think or should I say hope that he would at least try to make better choice.

Dont know what the rest of the day brings, but I am going to try and remain positive and hope for the best and be strict yet suportive while remaining calm. ( that is my goal anyway)

Take Care
Stacey A.

www.bipolarcentral.com

Got to Stay Strong

2006-05-31T17:16:00.000-05:00

It has been a while since my last post. Since then myson has been having trouble adjusting. Which he usually does during April as it reminds him of his fathers death. One of the nice things is that he is starting to process his feelings. I reasure him that it is okay to be angry and mad, and that the best part of healing is to communicate his emotions.

When he starts to shut down I back away as that isnt going to help him with dealing with his loss.

One of the techniques that truly is working is when he starts to get fustrated or angry, or I can see the subject we are talking about is too much for him I change the subject to revert his anger then I go back to the subject that he was getting emotional over. I dont push it down his throat but I keep at it as adventually he will start to talk about whatever it is during the day that is bothering.

I am concerned about him as he missed the last three weeks of school, I knew he wasnt going as he was hitting a depression period, and due to this I decided to get an in home therapist. So far it is working out great. She seems like a very nice and caring person, she listens to his concerns and instead of saying "how does that make you feel" she asks him so what are you doing about this or that, then she ask the feeling questions but does it in a way that isnt condesending but validates what he is going through.

I also signed him up for martial art classes as he really wanted to go as it was going to help him with self esteem and a place where he could be himself and not a person who has a disorder. Unfortunally the last two weeks he has missed. he keeps telling me excuses as to why he cant go. At first I got really mad because it was a lot of money to get him enrolled, but as I thought about it, my son has every intention of going but something inside is keeping him in a safe zone and right now he isnt ready to leave.

So I remind him and ask him if he would like to go today and he will tell me yes or no. when he tells me no he doesnt feel like going i will ask him if feels okay and he will say yes, jsut dont want to be around people, so I reasure him that the next class is a new day and we will try then.

I did get him to go to the gym with me to work out as we havent done that for awhile. He did really good for about 20 mins and then he was done. But at least I got him out of the house.

I also went for a revaluation as I know something deeper is going on but it is beyond my control as to what it might be, so I sought out another evaluation. Mainely because the last one he had was 6 years ago and with adolences and hormones plus bipolar maybe the meds arent working or there is another underlying area that isnt being looked at.

I just want what is best for my son.

I have learned that even when you are so mad at what your child is doing you need to assess if you are emotionally ready to handle the situation, when I am not I will tell my son that he is in trouble and that I am too angry right now to discuss as I want to know his side and I cant in the state I am right now. So I step back ( go to my room, fume then think okay what was the reason, the trigger and what is the correct disapline to handle this situation.) This has been working for me and there is a lot of less yelling and more communicating.

The in home thereapist comes tonight so I have only an hour to get the house in order. Will let you know if she has any addtional tips about the rapid cycle summer techniques.

Take Care
Stacey A

www.bipolarcentral.com

Processing Feelings

2006-04-23T09:44:00.000-05:00

Since my son has been home from the therapeutic group home, we have had some setbacks. Though my son cares about himself and wants what every teen want, accetence, a sense of belonging and to have fun. The unfortunate part is he still doesn't feel as if he belongs to any tradtioal group in school, he keeps telling he wants to be normal and fit in, and is tired of therapy.

So I asked him what he thought normal was? His response was to not have bipolar disorder and to not have to go to therapy and to not have major mood swings. So to help him understand I explained to him, being different is normal. There isn't a person in this world that doesn't doubt themselves or question if they are normal. Normal is a society word to place label on others to give classification, however it doesn't define who we are or if you fit into any of the categories. I told him, to choose to be himself and accept he has a mood disorder, but because of this challenge doesn't make him abnormal. He seem to accept my explanation, but he hasn't moved forward in accepting himself.

The past couple of weeks he has had set back emotionally, having been through this with his father and several classes latter, I have started to process his his feelings. I have learned that children who have had a traumatic childhood tend to have mute dissociation in which they are unable to process emotions in which make them hurt inside. My son having lost his father at such a young age is having a hard time understanding why is father made such a drastic choice of killing himself, and will not grieve as it is a painful memory. For most bipolar suffers it is known that when an traumatic event occurs, in ordor to talk about the expericance they relive the experience, and they don't want to relive that pain again.

So considering the month of April has always been a tough month for my son, I decided the only way he is going to get past his bottled issue is to process his anger and grievance on his terms with the help of myself taking his emotions with baby steps. The first step we have done is admit his sucided was painful, and that my son would rather not talk about it. The next step was to ask him that since talking is too painful, to write a poem of how he feel, and what pain he feels with this loss.

Step two came this week when I was waking him up trying to get him to go to school. When he awoke he was angry and said. I asked him if he know what triggered these feelings after he had a restful sleep and he replied I don't know, I new. So I asked him to sit down with me and have breakfast and talk about how he is going to have a good day at school, and that he take his day on class at a time. He wasn't going for it, he said that he felt all these emotions rushing in and that if confronted by another kid during passing period if they said anything mean to him he would explode. So this signaled to me he wasn't ready to take control of his emotions nor did he have the desire to. So I sat with him and explained, we all have choices to make, we can either talk about what bothers us and know that once we let go, we then will have control over ourselves or we can choose to succome to these emotions and let them run our lives and be unhappy. He said he wants control, but isn't ready to let go of his fathers death.

At least this was tiny breakthrough because in all there years he has been in therapy he has never talked about what was truly tormenting him on the inside. Thank God for the class. With the extra knowledge and having kept a journal of his shutting down periods I was able to pinpoint one of his major issues. So now with the help of his therapist and the acknowledgment we can now move forward and process the negative feelings and teach him how to let go of pain, but love the person for who they were and not what they did.

Next step is to work on his self image, my son has always felt down on himself no matter how many praise I or others give him. So I asked him what style do you like what is it that would be you feel good about your self when you look at your self in the mirror, what do you envision you to look like, so he told me a new hairstyle so I went to the hairsalon were he could be pampered and choose a style that he would be happy with. So far he is happy with this.

He also asked if he could have a pet so when he was feeling lonely or upset that he could talk to it and relax. So we now have a little canary ( he choose this little bird because it sings really pretty and sooths his nerves) So I am hoping this will help. The other thing is to get him a hobby he enjoys other than computer games as this alienates him from outside interaction. He chose martial arts. So I made a deal with him ( sometimes you have to make deals, so don't always listen to the so called parenting expercts they may have a PhD, but everychild is different and can't be group into this is the way to parent)

The deal is, if he can complete going to school for an entire week including his day treatment program, he can enroll in a martial art program. He seemed pretty excited, ( I called a lot of places to see which one was going to be the best program to help him with self esteme as well as understanding his disorders and the nice thing is this class has a diversed group of teens. whoo hoo) .

I am willing to do whatever it takes to help him gain control of his life and to know it is normal to process feelings and the only thing he needs to worry about is an education and having control over his life and making good choices, I told him I will be there to help him but he will have to work just as hard as me in this process as I can support emotionally, but I cant do all the work.

The ball is in his court, I am hoping he will choose the make that basket.

We still have a long way to go and another IEP to get in place and I am thinking of getting in home services to help me out, as I have realized as a single mom you have to know when you need help in getting your child the services they need and though I have taken classes and continuing education classes, there is still so much more to learn. So if I do get a CTA maybe I too will learn more and be an even better advocate for my son.

Hang in there our children depend on it.

Take Care
Stacey A

Setbacks but keep moving forward

2006-03-31T16:40:00.000-06:00

I know it has been a while since my last post. Sometimes it can get very hectic for me. A few weeks ago my son was discharged from the treatment center. My son was glad and I was hoping to see him be thankful for coming home. Though he is, he has been a handful. But the skills he has learned has been helpful.

One of the skills they taught him was to process his anger, fustration, sadness, by talking through his issue, using feeling words vs swear words ( which truly appreciate). Now when my son is fustrated or angry he tells me " I hate today?" and I will ask him why is today the day to hate? What happened to you to make you feel so mad. ( see you want to keep them talking, you need to be calm and listen but ask questions) He told me that his favorite shirt was dirty and nothing fits and doesn't have anything to wear to school ( which I thought this was only a girl issue appartently not)

So instead of me yelling telling him to find something and I don't care what it is get dresses. I said. " Okay I see how this can set your day off with wanting a particular shirt, and I know you feel like nothing fits but lets see if we can at least find something to have an okay day.

Now he responed "No nothing is going to work, I wanted to wear that shirt! so I said okay so what I am hearing is that anything I bring to you isn't going to be what you want so therefore you are choosing to have a rotten day correct? ( this works for me because I remain calm , I don't show him with gestures for facial expression that I am irritated because then he knows he has pushed a button so this technique throws them off)

Bascially what I am trying to say here is when you process their emotions and validated their feelings you are more likely to get a better response and to not have the situation escalate to a raging fit. will this work every time?? NO . But you keep at it and you will get better at handling the situation. Plus you really need to listen to their feelings. When my tells me that going to school makes him feel out of place and that no one understands him. I validate his feelings, by saying, " I must be tough to feel out of place, why do you think you are misunderstood?
this example is processing the situation, validated feeling and reinterating a question to show that you truly care how they feel. You may be surprised how this works.

I know parents love their children, but sometimes we get too busy or stressed out to really hear your kids especially when they suffer bipolar disorder. They really need to know you accept their feeling regardless if you understand exactly why they feel sad, hurt, angered. Just remember their disorder is like mother nature, certain things you can control and others are out of your control and sometimes due to environmental issues it could have been prevented.

I am soo pressed for time but I wanted to share this technique with you as this has worked out great. Don't get me wrong I have a lot of challenges to help my son out with and that is one getting motivated to go to school, day treatment, not stealing from me ( put away your debit cards, or a place where they cant meorize the number because it can be a disaster)

Anyway as I have more time I will continue to go over TCI techniques and tell you how to incorporate that with love & logic. Plus effective IEP's (been doing those for 5 years now)

Anyway keep strong!!! Any questions I will respond to them!!!!

Stacey A.

http://www.bipolarcentral.com/articles/Journaling.asp

Rapid cycling son

2006-02-05T14:21:00.000-06:00

I promised in the last blog that I would share my techniques that I am learning. First I want to stress that in order to be successful you have to be consistent and know that you wont get it Right everything. It is part of parenthood Yea for us.

So first I want to begin by saying technique one is listening to you child and acknowledged thier feelings this will go a long way when trying to redirct them. Two remain calm do not explode as this excalates the problems and will get you no where and finally know your triggers.

Knowing your triggers is just as important as knowing your childs triggers. Kids are smart and figure ours out early. So some question you can ask yourself is what makes my angry in what ever situation you have been through with your child, what buttons do they push and are they good at playing both mom and dad if so you need to nip that in the bud right away. Be on the same team, it shows your child you are not going to back down.

My son has been rapid cycling for a couple of weeks now his moods are extreme and it has been important that I keep conisistant and calm, trust me I know for a fact you are going to want to spit nails they make you so mad but if you keep your cool thier burst wont last as long.

So this morning for example he was on a 72 hour pass this weekend as insentive to come home I was really excited, howevr during this time, my son was really pushing my buttons and reverting back to old behaviors which I wouldnt let him, we spent alot of time acknowleding his dislike for writing an 250 word essay on the importance of bathing and another one for the importance of planning, needless to say after but feeling takes he finally completed, went almost to be on time was supposed to be in bed by 10 but didnt until 11pm ( which is great compared to 2 or 3 am like he was doing)

so this moring he did not want to go to school, I kept my cool and after much coaxing and positive reinforment he got up and got ready but refused to shower he had been in the same cloths for two days okay instead of getting upset I deceided if he wants to smell today fine my goal was getting him to go to school and face his day even if he didnt feel like.

I dropped him off at school only for him to walk to my work an hour later. I was angry and disapointed that he skipped school, but I told my son " I am glad you choose to come to my work as apposed to running away or joy riding with your friends ( his friends have cars he doesnt) but you are going back to school and then your unit. He wasnt happy about it, but told me he fled because he panicked, I know he gets confused and doesnt think very rational when he is cycleing and I told him I was glad he trusted to come to me and I will help him do the right thing by going back to school.

He got in the car and drove back to school, I took him to his safty plan perosn and explained what happended as he has walked my son through his day at school when he feels challenged by emotions, which is great. I know now since after this incident I am going to have to change his IEP again.

Not sure if my son will actually get to have another 72 hour pass this week, but at least I know I am now a more effective parent by being consistant and practings, calm, knowing my triggers and acknowledes my sons feelings. We tend to forget them when we are angry.

I hope this helped someone.

www.bipolarcentral.com

Learning Something New everyday

2006-01-14T12:17:00.000-06:00

These past few months have been a great learning experiance. My son is making strides in his theraputic group home and is scheduled to be home permantly Feburay 3rd. During the holidays it ws a little rough for him, he was only given 48 hour passes during Thanksgiving and Christmas and it made it difficult to take him back to his unit, but during this process he has learned to accept that because of his behaviors and is unwillingness to learn coping skill and communicate his feeling to me that is why he ended up in this environment.

But I want to stress that this is a two way street, while my son is working of dealing with his triggers and how to cope when he is fustrated, mad, sad, and to communicate his feelings to me, I am learning stratagies in which I can keep him on track. Bipolar disorder is a disease that affects the whole family and because it does each party needs to learn how to be effective in communicating, disaplining and teaching the proper skills necessary to achive a happy and healty house hold.

Since I have mastered advocated effectivly for my son in school and can now get the correct accomedations he needs to be successful in school, I am taking a class called Theraputic Crisses intervention in which they are teaching me techniques that I can use with having a special needs child. AS I learn more on how to use these skills I will pass them on to you. The first exerise is to find your strenths and use them more effectivly and then with your weakness you learn how to make them a strength for me I found I was a great listener, teacher and relater. I need to learn now structre and consistancy as these are key factors as well.

Having a child with bipolar disorder is challenging, but the more you know and get the tools necessary to help your child the better parent you will be. I stongly suggest get a family advocate they are a weath of knowldge and have made me even a stonger parent for my son.

I promise next blogg I will share the techichies I have learned.

www.Bipolarcentral.com

Hanging in there.

2005-12-20T17:16:00.000-06:00

Cant believe how much time has passed since I wrote the last time. The therapy center my son has been at is an experinace that has it good moments and it's not so good moments and there are times I get up set or emotional or make the descion, but I am his mother and it is hard to let anther person care for your child and give them consequences for thier behavior.

I am learning to let my son do for himself. It is a painful process for me as my son's mother and painful for him because he has to learn new habits and work on the ones that arent helping him.

My son has made great improvements regarding coping skills, but still has a way to go. The weekend of Thanksgiving my son was givin a 24 hour pass so he could spend the weekend at home and have family time, which went great, but the next morning when I had to take him back was a total different story, he was crying and promissing me that he would be good and to tell his unit that the car broke down or that I was too sick to take him back, he had many excuses, but I stuck to the program and told him I would not lie nor break the rules, I tried very hard to convince him as long as he continues to work on his issues and understand that bipolar is a deciease the he lets control him and once he learns how to cope and learn the necessary life skills needed to be home permanetly he will.

After much coaching and postive reineforcement, he still wasn't buying it so I called his unit to let them know what was occuring, that snaped him right out it, he got in the car, ( Mind you very angry and spitting at me and the car but he got it).

Once we got to his unit he went in his room and punched his wall, I yelled for the youth care worker to tell them my son was having anger issues, so we left him in his room for 5 mins in hopes he was going to calm down, and didnt', so the youth care worker brought my son in to the time out room with me and sat down and discussed why his behavior was inapropriate and how it wasn't going to earn himself a ticket home because he is throwing a fit, he asked him to talk about how he was feeling and to use words and not jestures. It was a great experiance whatching how this worker got my son to calm down in a matter of minutes by using feeling words and understanding techniques, not once did you use the word "but", as in yet I understand your upset, but you chose the wrong choice," The youth worker stated " I understand your fustration and can see you are very angry, you have a right to feel upset and what I need you to do is accept the fact that you had a home pass and needed to come back to finish treatment.

Awesome there was alot more but you get what I am saying. Anyway, the theraputic home enviorment has been the best thing for my son, and I would do it again if I had to, however It is very emotional and stressful at times, so I strongly urge you to have a support system in place. Your support system can be anyone that you feel comfortable with, doesn't matter, you need it, because there are going to be times when you are not able to visit your child, or they didn't earn a pass to spend the weekend, for me I couldn't spend my sons birthday with him, because at the time he hadn't earned a pass and it wasnt visiting day, and that was very very very hard for me.

In the end of this process I know my son will be better off, just hard accepting that as a parent I can't always save my son from lifes hard lessons or take away his disorder. I know the most important thing I can do for my son is never give up and be as supportive as possible when ever he needs me.

With the holidays around the corner I am hoping this pass will go soother than the last, otherwise I am really going to need a time out.

The up and Down Journey

2005-11-20T13:40:00.000-06:00

It has been awhile, but I have been very busy. There have been days were I felt like chicken little and my sky was falling. But since I have a few minutes I thought I would write. My sonhas been doing really well in his therapeutic group home environment, he has had a few set backs which was really hard to see, not because he was finally showing the behaviors he had at home there, but because I knew was also afraid of never coming back home after he had his episode.

The staff was great at explaining to my son that we would most definitely be coming home, he just had to work on the life skills and coping skills and however long that takes is how long he will be there. So after he punched the wall the first time, he had consquences of early bed time and no game time, which made him very angry, but they let him call me and my son thought I was going to get him out of his consquence and when I wasn't feeding into his issue he hung the phone up on me, which hurt my feelings as it does any parent, but I called right back, talked to the staff on his unit and explained my side and heard part of my sons side and wanted to hear the specifics of what actually occurred. They explained that my son was standing in the door way and was told several times to remove himself from the doorway as it blocks others to move about, when he was told for the last time that is when he was given his early bed, and was told he couldn't go to McDonald's with his group but they could bring something back, that is when my son lost it, punched the wall and was crying because he knew he shouldn't have then called me, I wasn't feeling sorry foir him and that is when he became more angry and hung the phone up on me.

He at first blamed his behavior on the new med they have given him and since it is very unlikely to have that type of reaction in two hours of taking the med for the first time, that was ruled out and he had to take responsibility for his action. The staff took into account that he had lost his pet rabbit and then just last week his bird which was a very hard decision, the bird had a tumor ( cocketiel) and I was told that survial was 24 to 72 hours and the bird would have to be placed in oxygen until her passing and thought we all loved the bird I didn't have the extra $75.00 to keep the tumor bird alive and had to have her put ot sleep, so I had to explain to my son that again another one of his pets has passed and gain the day before he had a pass home.

Trying to make light of the situation I did explain to my son as he gets older things like this is going to happen, you can't prepare for them. You just have to work through them, express your feelings and then let go, always carry the memory in your heart, but don't dwell on what you cant change, that seemed to help a little bit.

He did have another punching of the wall episode, because again he was given an early bed time for not doing his chores. But this time instead of blaming the meds he said he gets so angry and that his anger overwhelms he doesn't know how to release, what a break throught now the staff can help him control his anger as he is not denying it anymore.

This weekend on his pass I got him a stress ball that he can squeeze, a bouncy ball that he can through out side when mad, and an old phone book so he can tear the pages when he is super angry. I am proud that on his check list he is averaging between an 87% to 92%, which is exciting to me because when he does come home on a regular basis other than the weekends it would be nice to see those skills and behaviors in use. so far with all the deaths, the weddings and birthdays, plus working and the holidays coming up I have no idea what is in store, but I will try to write more. I have been asked to be a parental mentor for the new parents that admit their children into the therapeutic group home environment, so I have been working on a plan that will be helpful to parents making the transition of getting their child help. So I promise I will try to be more helpful to everyone!!!!!

Good luck and keep strong!!!

www.bipolarcentral.com

Anyone can have a bad day

2005-11-01T22:07:00.000-06:00

Since my son has been in a treatment program for his bipolar disorder, he has made great porgess, since the loss of one of our family pets, he has had a hard time. Tonigt I talked to him and his unit regarding human feelings. It is okay to have a bad day. My son has made tremendous progress, he now cares about himself and has goals, he wants to have good grades and do things he has only drempt of, not feeling he could, he has had great goals and has shown passion for what he wants. Tonight he feel that being sad is a down fall, I don't think so, just knowing he feels upset and want to be back home his happieness to me. Is he ready to be home? Almost, but not today like he hoped. I want my son to know, he made this progress with love, suport and by his own desire. Is it easy, no! Not by as long shot. Can he do it? I feel he can and with gusto.

However tonight I had to reasure him everyone can have a bad day, doesn't matter that you may have bipolar disorder there are days every one has moments where tasks, or relationships, traffic or whatever just sucks, and I wanted to make sure my son understood, regardless of metal illness we all are allowed a bad day. My son was upset because he didn't do one of his choires, okay but for 35 days he did this choire, so today he was upset and wanted to give up. I wanted to reasure him that even grownups have bad days. I told him there are days where I wish I could just say, you suck. But I don't, it doest get me anywhere but down.

I fouces on my somes positive behavoir, I let him know that he has worked too hard to just give up, and that we are all entitled to emotional days including men. Where does it say that boys or men have to suck it up and be unemotional, hmm never read that book nor have found one.

Bipolar disorder is a disease that needs support, and even though you may have a tough day, you need to know other people may have the same feelings.

It is okay to have an off day. it is when days become weeks or even months that is the problem. As a mother who had to make a tough decision, I know this, there are days that it really isn't easy, but I know I made the right decison, do I worry? Yes but,

I can make it through and if your child is hospitalized or in a treatment center, you are doing what is best even if your child is having a poor day and blames you. Parenthood is hard, but in the end it will be rewarding, be firm but supportive, that is what I am sticking with tonight.

As adults weather parents or not I feel one day at a time is enough. Love each other and be the best you can each day,

worry about tomorrow, another day!

Motherhood is never easy

2005-10-28T19:41:00.000-05:00

Last night was very hard, one of our family pets wasn't doing well, my son whom is very close with our pet is in a treatment center to help him cope with his bipolar disorder wan't able to be with his pet in her final hours.

I saw that Nemo the rabbit wasnt doing well she was the runt of the litter and when we adopted her it was bleak, but for two and a half years she brought us much joy. She it made it through that long on her disadvantages, when we adopted Nemo she had challenges of her own which is my my son wanted so badly to have her apart of our lives, because even though she was an animal she too had challenges she faced, she didn't hear all that well, and one of her ears she was deaf in and she had to have special vitamins to keep her heathly for her needs.

Last night was hard for me because I was the care taker of his bunny while he is in treatment to work on his issues, when Nemo wasnt eating her special treats that she liked ( a pink jelly bean) I knew somthing wasn't right, she was walking funny and didn't do her happy jump she usally does when we let her out to run the apartment. Immediatly I took her to the vet ( thank God they take payments) to see what was wrong, the outlook was slim but he said he would do everything possible he could do to save her, I kissed miss bunny on the nose and told her that we loved her and she would be home soon. After an hour and a half of her being at the vets the vet ( who was to leave an hour earlier) called and said she didn't make it. He did everything he could knowing the story of my son and how we aquired such a wonderful pet.

After receiveing the news called my sons unit and explained to his primary what had happend, ( I was crying at the time so bless him for understanding what I was saying, the primary has pets and understood the grieving process) the primary told me to let my son rest for the night and we would tell him in hte morning. I told him I worried about that because he has earned a pass and wanted to see his pets and was worried of how he would take the news. His primary reasured me he would handle the death of his pet like he would his own child and explained how he would proceed and asked me for imput on what I would like to add, I told him that I didn't wnat my son to think of one last time, because when he starts " If I could have only held my bunny one last time I would feel better and that is not true.

Tonight I called my son and told him of the news, he said his primary told him and in group it was hard for him to stay focused, because he said had he had control over his disorder he would have had one last time with Ms Nemo, I told him that Ms Nemo loved him and that is all that mattered and that Miss Kitty is looking forward to seeing him. He cried and then I cried, I wanted so badley to hold my son to let him know that it was okay, but all I could do was reasure him of how much he meant to me and that we will get past this. He agreed he could, and is looking forward to his eight hour pass tomorrow but wanted time in his room. I let him go and then spoke once agaon to his primary in which he reasured me that he would check on my son and talk about the death of his pet, and how no matter what he can move on, life is hard but we have to choose to be surviors in order to help ourselves and others, he explained to my son that Nemo had a better life because she was loved and cared for and that when she needed us most we were there for her and that is what made the difference in her life, had she lived in the wild she would have never known love or how good jelly beans could taste, or how fun it was to play with a ball.

I am looking forward to seeing my son tomorrow and even though this is a rough time for him I want to show him, he can move past this and what ever he needs from me I will help him. I am proud of how he is handeling himself and that he is willing to tallk about his feelings and he isn't taking it out on others or himself, he is allowing to work through the pain in order to move on. We as parents need to teach our children that life isnt easy, but we can make it through, just have faith.

www.bipolarcentral.com

Mothers Journey continues

2005-10-25T18:19:00.000-05:00

Last Saturday was my sons first day pass home, he only was able to get 4 hours, but I was estatic. I really miss him. It nice to see him calm and happy. On the way to breakfast, I asked him how he liked his unit, thinking I was going to get a negative response. He replied that it is a learning experiance, and they are helping him cope with his mood swings. I was releived to hear that. I know he is still mad at me for putting him in a hire level of care, but in the end he will have far more skills coming out then he did going in. Still it isn't easy. I have my days were I deeply miss my son, his smile, laughter, jokes and the orney twinkle in this eyes, but I know that the path he was choosing would end in destruction had I not placed him in a theraputic enviroment. One of the toughest issues I am going through is with the staff, not knowing me and how close my son and I are, they have this one track mind way of thinking, that all parents are lazy, it isn't unitl I tell them I was the one who placed my son on the residential unit, not the state, not a case worker, but me!! This always changes thier tune, and they are much more compliant to talk to me regarding my concerns.

Last night was a little tough, my son has been doing so well over the past 4 weeks, and it was disapointing to hear he had an early bed as a consequence, not that I didn't feel he deserved it, but because I always call my son everyday to let him know I love him, I see him every visiting day and take him home when he has passes, so that made me cry when they said I couldn't speak with him, so I said why are you punishing me for my son's consequence, I am not askin to have a conversation, I only want to tell him I love him, the staff member did get him on the phone, and my son was very upset with his consequence, he hated everyone and everything. I aksed him what happened and he said that because he was late getting up and refused to shower he had to go to bed at 8:30, I told him it sounded reasonable to me, and he sisn't agree, but I did get to tell him I loved him. I then was able to speak to the staff and asked what had happend and she said that my son was refusing to do what he was told, complained of a headache and that his nose was stuffy and wanted to continue playing his game. I told her the real him is starting to show, but also let her know he is getting ready to cycle and with all the noise and other boys on the unit his trigger is getting pressed. She agreed and was going to talk to my son about it and see what she could do.

They are really great people and I am glad they are there to help my son, but it isn't the easiest thing to do, so I still am talking things one day at a time.

Tough Love The Jounrey Continues

2005-10-09T22:26:00.000-05:00

Any parent knows tough love is the hardest, especesaly with a special needs child. Parents know go through just as much emotions as the child. So the last week in September was my sons birthday. Then mine to follow 4 days later. It was very hard, not because I know he is getting the treatment he needs, but because as a mother you want the most fun and happiest times for your kids. So at his treatment center I brought a cake for the entire unit. I did not get to partipate with the kids bit they thanked be latter that even. Out tradition was that my son and I would always do something together, this year we couldn't, but even though he is learning what he needs to, I have found that with treatment and conisitent support he is on the road to recovery.

This week on the 15th he will have been in treatment for bipolar will be his 30 day review. I have constatanly talk to staff and there is constant communication and visits. Communication by the way is key, because thought it is hard for the parent it is extremely hard on the child. However my son was able to find his triggers. This is a total breack through, he hates the fact that he has issues, but to realize what triggers his disorder is a wonderful thing.

Now today he is upset with the fact that he will be in this treatment center for 60 more days, but the fact that he realizes that he could have made better choices is ecstatic to me. He doesn't realize the progress he has made but I do. My only hope is that he will leave this place taking with him the life skills necessary to succeed. He is know at school every day, carrying A's and doing chores as well as participating group, ( not an easy task no one wants to share their problems) but hes is learning emotions which with bipolar it is hard to do but he is making the step) I am so proud of my son, but I miss him with all of my hart.

Getting my son into a program in which I am not the sole care taker, who make all the decision was the hardest thing I had to do besides losing his father to suicide. But seeing him doing well is all a mother can ask for. I know he is looking forward to spending time with me on his day pass and I can't wait, but the hardest thing is knowing he has other hurdles to acheive, all I can do is remain strong, which I do every day.

I want to say to all the parents out there is that sometimes we have to make decisions that are uncomfortable for our children and at times it will be emotional, but a support system in place so you can have the help and support you need, you may not find it in family, or friends but through referrals, but either way do what is best for your child and family, but do it with out the state taking your rights away. What I mean is don't let your situation get so bad, or give up on your child that the state steps in. I never had that happen to me, because I knew there was a better way, don't let your child fail, be the one who make the first step, and when you do. Even though it hurts, you will know you did the right thing.

Remember bipolar is a disease and it is up to you to find the help, support and education you need to help your child to succeed even if it means you have to send them to a treatment program they hate, in the long run your will find that your child will have the coping and life skills necessary to have the a healthy and productive you wished for and they one they deserve.

I am happy to report that my son is feeling much better about himself, and lets me know that even though he doesn't like the aspects of his treatment he is willing to try and learn how to cope and graduate with his class and be a graphic artist, and you know what I know he can, it is all about support. Parenting never ends, but it is all worth it, when you are educated.

I still miss my son with deepest emotions, but he and I will be better for it, Thanks to the advocates and support I have, some times I will cry because I miss my son, but when I talk to friends, or my advocate, it helps, doesn't take the pain away, but it gives me comfort.

www.bipoarcental.com

Tough Love week 2

2005-09-26T17:16:00.000-05:00

So for the past 12 days my son has been in a treatment center to help him develope the life skills, coping skills necessary for him to succeed for when he is an adult. The first day of admintance was very very tough, it was hard seeing my son cry about being put in a repite group environment. With a lot a encouragment from my son's therapist, and my family advocate and friends I was able to get through the first few days.

I did make sure to ask alot of questions, because I wanted reasurance that they were going to help my son. So far my son is on Intake level in which in the first two weeks of being there his is given choires, and responsiblity and the chance to earn allowance for doing his choirs, participating in group, following the behavior rules and going to school and doing his homework. I was so glad to hear from all of the staff, therapist and teacher on how well he is doing.

My son told me he was proud of himself because as of right now he is carrying all "A"'s in his classes, which he hasn't done for a long long time. My son also said that as he is away from me, he is finding that he can do a lot of things he didn't think he could do, because I was always around to help him or do it for him. I truely tried not to do things for him, but when he was refusing to pick up after himself and had his cloths and games all over the house, I couldn't just let it sit there.

Also by him being away he is realizing what is bothering him and has pinpointed what he wants to work on, he is setting goals for himself while I work on the famliy goals. My son will be able to earn day and weekend passes so in order to remain consistent of his treatment I requested the privledge and allowance packet so I can incorporate it at home, his rules aren't much different than what we had, just more structured, and that is one of the things my son needs. His entire day is planned out for him on a schedule, which when he was younger I had, but when he turned 13 I thought he had out grown it, and that is where I went wrong. I was told children with bipolar need structer, consistancy and activities to keep them occupied, and that video games including computer games should be limited because of their addicitve behaviors. My son became a game addict, he hated shutting down the computer when it was time for bed or hate turning off his play station. So now I will have to put a schedule of what times he can play and make sure it isn't too much or too often.

I am very glad I made this decision because I can see a small improvement in my son, he isn't lashing out and hasn't had an episode while there ( I truely hope he doesn't, but they tell me it could happen and to prepare myself if it does)

I recommend that if you have a child who suffers from bipolar and has been hospitalized and been in partical treamtent, but the behaviors aren't getting better and you child is missing alot of school, then you should find a treatment program that will help your child develope the coping and life skills necessary so they can have a happy heathly life. But make sure the place you choose is acrediated and do alot of research and ask questions. You will also want alot of emotional support because it is hard. I still have times when I cry because I miss my son and want him home, but at the same time I know he would go back to his old behavors and that it would be toxic again.

Today is one of the harder day because it is my son's birthday, but thankfully they are letting me go up there and bring a cake for him and his unit, so at least I won't miss his birthday. This week will be tough mainly because his birthday is 4 days before mine and Saturday they don't have visiting time and every year my son has spent my birthday with me, but it is something I will get through, I have plenty of support and everyone keeps reassuring me this is all for the best, which is true, I agree, just hard being mom.

One mothers Journy of tough love

2005-09-15T15:19:00.000-05:00

When my son was a toddler, people used to tell me to cherrous those precious years. They told me that when they become teens they are hard to handle and you will probably feel helpless at times as they try to find themselves, because they will act out, rebell. Well what they didn't tell me was that when you have a child who has bipolar disorder that adolences inflames their illness and swells like a volcano. I know all mothers go through many trail and tribulations, they encounter many issues and sometimes we get overwhelmed with parenting, especially a special needs child.

Ever since my son was born I have tried my best to keep him safe, love and proctect him, give him a better childhood than what I had. AT times I feel like a failure as a parent, because I dont know if am I teaching him everything he needs for when he is older. Is he going to make the right choices, does he have the coping skills necessary to survive, the proper education, and most of all will he remember all of the things I did for him whather comforatable or not, that I deeply love him.

I ask this because yesterday I to make one the hardest choices I have had to make with my son. Every school year my son avoids school, when he was smaller, it was easier, if he refused to go to school I would pick him up and take him, with a little positve reinforcement he would most times get out of the car and go to school. However the past three years have been the most tuff. My son has been in therapy, has been in partical hospitialization, hospitalized twice, and though for awhile he seemed he was getting better, then he would snap right back to avoidance, refusal and wouldnt even get his own glass of water, he would yell from the couch, "Mom bring me a glass of water I am thirsty.

One year he was almost chaged with truency, it not been for my excellent documentation and the intentsive treatment I had him in he would have been put through the system. The previous blogs I have mentioned his day treatment program where they work with my son with life skills, peer pressure, saying no to drugs gang violence, group therapy, famliy therapy and coping skills for his illness, but the past 3 weeks my son was refusing to go to treament. refusing to go to school. When he did go to school he refused to do his work while in class, though his teachers were patient and gave me updates daily, I wasn't getting through to my son.

So last week, I deceided to get my son the help he needed, I have tried almost everything and his therapist suggested respite care where his would be placed in a residential treatment program where they could help him with his problems and help him learn to cope with his illness. I was reluctant at first, becaue it made me feel like a failure, am I not being a good enough mother? I aksed and she said it has nothing to do with parenting it has to do with my son, she said that sometimes children who arent responding to what they are supposed to go refuse parental direction they require a higher level of care, that I can not provide. So after finding out everything about where he would be placed and what to expect I asked her to start the paper work. She suggested I get in place a support team because she said I would need it.

So yesterday, again my son refused to go to school. I called his therapist she wasn't in and left a message that he again refused to go, and she said okay Stacey but I want to tell you his paperwork has been approved and he will have a bed tonight, after I heard those words my heart sank, I could barley breath and began sobbing, as if my heart had been ripped to shreads right there. I was also at work, so it made it even harder to keep composure and strong minded about the whole thing, so I called my family advocate in search of reasurrance, but she wasnt available, I called my other advocate, she too was not available, I hang up the phone and all I could do was cry, becaue it now was offical, my son was getting the help he needed but was goingt to be separted from me. I would not be able to be there to proctect him when he got scarred, hugg him good night, or tell him sweet dreams. I knew it was for the best but it emotionaly didn't feel like it.

I did get a hold of the on staff advocate and spoke with her regading the emtional pain I was feeling, her being a mother and having had to do the same thing for her daughter was a tiny bit reassureing. She gave me some insight on how her daughter had eneded up there, because her daughter too had bipolar disorder, but was much more violent then my son.

I cried so much yesterday that my face hurt and I was emotionaly numb. The hardest part was telling my son this was his new place for the next 90 days. I would go into detail, but it still makes me cry, I even stayed home from work today because I didn't want to deal with it. But at least I got to hug my son and tell him how much I love him and I am only doing this to help him. He is hurt by my decison, but I will be damed to have him go through truency and be thrown in a messed up system. Hopefully he will understand some day.

I know I have made the right decsion but it doesnt hurt any less, today I cry becaue I miss my baby, I know that I call him after he has had dinner and talk with him for a little bit, I will get to see him on visiting days. It is just not the same. But as they tell me many kids who have gone through this program come out better then they came in and it make us stronger in the end. They tell me if I can get through this I can get through anything. It is hard to beleave sometimes that you are a strong person, when you feel torn apart. But my sons teachers have all called me and told me that they commend me for making a tough decision, and I felt better for like 5 mins. So I just want parents to know that even thought tough love is something we have to do for our children, it is okay to cry, but don't beat yourself up. You will make it through. Today I am taking it 1 hour at a time.

www.bipolarcental.com

Been a little tough lately

2005-09-10T10:53:00.000-05:00

Many parents I am sure are going through the struggles of keeping your children in school. I know my son has a tough time with attendance. In his IEP I had to change it this year, mainly because you have to know when your child is working you and the system. Last year I had so he attended school 50% of the time. He was to do half the homework with full credit and turn in a homework behavioral sheet at the the end of the day and bring it home. His level one support was to provide him living and coping skills. I mainly did this because he was hospiatalized twice and was in and out of partical treatment.

This year is a total different issue. School has been in session for 11 days and my son has missed 4 full days and 4 half days with 2 of the days being excused. Knowing that my son isn't experiancing the same issues as last year, I changed his IEP because I know he is just defying me. He want to do things that are only fun. Which don't we all. He is right now at the point where he refuses to go to school because he feels it is stupid but has these grandose illusions that he can go out and get a computer programming job making $40 an hour. I don't even make that and I have an education.

So it was a tough desion but considering I know he is trying to avoid work I have changed his IEP to him being in school 80% of the time with having to do full assignment 80% of the time (which he can he is extremely bright) and he is to have positive interaction with his peers 80% of the time, and if he is overwhelmed he is to go to the school counceler to regroup which them he will take the day one class at a time.

My son feels this is unfair, because by going to school he can't play his computer game runescape. But I am sticking my ground and have told him too bad. Last night I was telling my son that he isn't a baby any more and if we wants to spend time with his friends or go to moives then he has to behave like he can handle it. I also told him that just because he has bipolar disorder does not mean he is excused from doing what is expected of him. I told him your name is Steve not bipolar nor is your middle name. So if you want to be treated like Steve then you need to start coping and do what is expected for a kid your age.

So he understood because he said that is something what his therapist would say. We have told him he is going to have this disorder the rest of his life just like I am going to have allergies, and be nearsigted the rest of mine, but don't use it as a crutch. There are tools out there to help him over come his challenges. So I sat down with him and kept my lecture brief but explained to him he has choices to make positve or negative ( I try to refaine from good and bad because I have noticed children with bipolar take the words good and bad and internalize it like if you say you are being bad then they feel they are a bad person and will feel they cant do anything right, so that I why is use positve and negative or if I use good and bad I describe it this way " you can make good choices or bad (poor) choices, which every good choice you make you gain something, with each poor (bad choice) you loose something. Only you have the power to do what is right.

But though these techeniques are starting to sit in for my son, it maybe too late. I have been telling him for months now to make the proper choice, and like 20% of the time he has. ( I have also been tougher with the rules, I don't back down or give in because he has worn me out.) That was one of the things my son was good at arguing , I have learned not to argue, if he want to argue he gets 5 mins a day and once that 5 mins is over I will not listen ( but this is case by case baisis to remeber pick your battles)

Another thing is punching the wall, It infuriates me, so the violence rule, you beak it your fix it and it comes out of your allowence. So far he hasn't punched a hole in the wall since he had to fix the one in is room and since he did it , he has to earn his door back to his room. It is easy, hell no there are times I want to run away, but I use relaxation techniques, I find walking to be good. Or deep breathing with music I like or just reading a book. But one of the most important things I have learned is you don't have to go through this alone. Find support, you need it, and it helps because there are times I am overwhelmed and need emtional suppor and I will call a friend or an advocate. This way I can keep my sanity, plus I learn things at the same time.

All of us parents need to stick together, it is tough with special needs children, but you also need to take care if yourself as well, and sometimes that means a break from the children. Your family will appreciate you more. ( When I mean a break, there are respite centers that can care for you child so you can have a break)

until next time take care.

Loosing my cool

2005-08-31T17:47:00.000-05:00

Okay, the past two days have been horrible. Like one of those very bad "B" Rated movies, it has it's scarrry moments and a lot of screaming. That is how my last two days have been. My son God love him, is slowly working on my last sane nerve. I knew him becoming a teen was going to be hard now I know why parents get wrinkles and there hair turns gray.

Monday was doctor day, my son was complaining he couldn't breath and he sounded fine to me but considering it was a school day and he has cried wolf so many times I really didn't knwo if he was or not, so I took him to the doctor, 3 hours later and sure enough he has asthma and an infection that the doctor said was minor and would subside in a few days. So with his puffer in hand I took him home and went to work.

Tuesday, the morning was a train wreck. My son was ready to go on th bus when the driver called and said she would be there to pick him up later because she didn't want him to be at school to early, but she told this to my son and not me. ( I was mad) So after she tells my son she will be there later he freaks out and punches the wall and says great now I am going to be late for school ( Mind you he never cared before but Tuesday, it was care about school day) So I just got out the shower and my son say's "Mom take me to school I am not waiting for the bus" I told him was going to take the bus, no discussion, and I am not arguing with him. ( Now I am very mad) So the bus driver calls and tells me she is outside, my son wont leave the apartment to get on the bus and my hair is wet, but thank God I am dress, so I am now yelling at my son ( Think of Fred Flinston yelling for Wilma) and he is still refusing ( NOw I am angry) so the responsible calm adult I am goes out side and walks up to his bus drivers and begin to yell at here telling her, she is apologizing and My reply was " Well is your apology going to get him out the of the because he is refusing to leave. So I walk away and now I am crying swearing at the sky to my sons dead father that this was all his faunt and I am tired of handleing this alone.

I walk into the house sooooooooooooo mad, tears pouring out and I look at my son and say very calmly " If you do not get into the car right now I am going to freak out." So my son replys " and they say I am bipolar. I told him the only thing I want to hear is his feet walking to the car. So I get him to school and go to work. The rest of the evening was pleasant.

Wednesday, my son was tryin to miss his bus but he had one choice, go or be grounded from everything, so he got on the bus, I apologized to the bus driver, and she said to my " I know that it is tough raising a special needs child I understand." So felt better about that. Later on in the day, around 4 when my son is supposed to be in day treatment he isn't. They call me to let me know that my son did show for the bus, and I panik, ( My son doesn't drive nor has a learners permit and he didn't call me which he always does) I started crying and go looking for my son, he isn't at school not answering his cell, I am filled with worry and sadness, so I call my boyfriend and tell him my son is missing and he say's " I am at work" ( Well no shit) So I tell him I am looking for him, I get to my sons school and he is not there and no one has seen him, then I finaly get a hold of my son on his cell to find out he is at a friends house. His lie was that the bus never showed and It did, my son deceided he didn't want to go. I don't even know who these people are never met them, I told my son that I was about to call the police and file a missing persons report or runaway report and he said why? ( I wnted to blow my top what a silly question) So he I went home and met him and his friends I was calm polite and told him that he is to never pull this again, I had to go back to work, When I get home I am hoping he is there.

So I guess today I can't give any advice right now, but I so very need a vacation, but I wanted to let you know that teens can drive you mad and you just have to tough it out and hang in there.
My son doesn't know this yet, but he is very very grounded.

First Day of School

2005-08-25T17:30:00.000-05:00

Made it through the first day of school. Woohoo!! The morning was a little rough, my son and I are both not early morning people, so I have little paitents waking him up. Mainly because I will tell him it is time to get up several times, turn off his alarm clcok, ( it is the most annoyting alarm it sounds like a loud constant horn honking, makes me irratated to hear the noise) So after the 5the time of saying his name, I told him he either gets up and gets ready for school to chatch the bus on time or suffers the consequence.

I promised myself that I will not go through his power struggel play anymore, he is learning I mean business. When my son said, "Quit saying my name" I told him I will now that he has answered me, and also said again, get up and get ready now! He slowly got up and deceided to get ready. I was thankful because he was totaly ready by the time the bus got there.

Now tomorrow whole new chapter, all I know is that I am through arguing and he is going to follow the rules regardless wheather he wants to or not. I told him just because he has bipolar doesn't mean he isn't capable of following the rules, just like someone who has thyroide or allergies problems disorders do not give you a reason to not try and do what is expeceted, like picking up after yourself, controling anger, getting your own glass of water.

So basically coping skills for parents, don't take your child hurtful words to hart, ( they know it bothers you and that is why they say it) don't argue with your child, what you say goes if they want to argue tell them that they have 5 mins to argue and you will just sit and listen to just for those five mins, when the time is up they no longer are allowed to argue and what you told them to do before still stands.

Until tomorrow.