Motherhood is never easy

Last night was very hard, one of our family pets wasn't doing well, my son whom is very close with our pet is in a treatment center to help him cope with his bipolar disorder wan't able to be with his pet in her final hours.

I saw that Nemo the rabbit wasnt doing well she was the runt of the litter and when we adopted her it was bleak, but for two and a half years she brought us much joy. She it made it through that long on her disadvantages, when we adopted Nemo she had challenges of her own which is my my son wanted so badly to have her apart of our lives, because even though she was an animal she too had challenges she faced, she didn't hear all that well, and one of her ears she was deaf in and she had to have special vitamins to keep her heathly for her needs.

Last night was hard for me because I was the care taker of his bunny while he is in treatment to work on his issues, when Nemo wasnt eating her special treats that she liked ( a pink jelly bean) I knew somthing wasn't right, she was walking funny and didn't do her happy jump she usally does when we let her out to run the apartment. Immediatly I took her to the vet ( thank God they take payments) to see what was wrong, the outlook was slim but he said he would do everything possible he could do to save her, I kissed miss bunny on the nose and told her that we loved her and she would be home soon. After an hour and a half of her being at the vets the vet ( who was to leave an hour earlier) called and said she didn't make it. He did everything he could knowing the story of my son and how we aquired such a wonderful pet.

After receiveing the news called my sons unit and explained to his primary what had happend, ( I was crying at the time so bless him for understanding what I was saying, the primary has pets and understood the grieving process) the primary told me to let my son rest for the night and we would tell him in hte morning. I told him I worried about that because he has earned a pass and wanted to see his pets and was worried of how he would take the news. His primary reasured me he would handle the death of his pet like he would his own child and explained how he would proceed and asked me for imput on what I would like to add, I told him that I didn't wnat my son to think of one last time, because when he starts " If I could have only held my bunny one last time I would feel better and that is not true.

Tonight I called my son and told him of the news, he said his primary told him and in group it was hard for him to stay focused, because he said had he had control over his disorder he would have had one last time with Ms Nemo, I told him that Ms Nemo loved him and that is all that mattered and that Miss Kitty is looking forward to seeing him. He cried and then I cried, I wanted so badley to hold my son to let him know that it was okay, but all I could do was reasure him of how much he meant to me and that we will get past this. He agreed he could, and is looking forward to his eight hour pass tomorrow but wanted time in his room. I let him go and then spoke once agaon to his primary in which he reasured me that he would check on my son and talk about the death of his pet, and how no matter what he can move on, life is hard but we have to choose to be surviors in order to help ourselves and others, he explained to my son that Nemo had a better life because she was loved and cared for and that when she needed us most we were there for her and that is what made the difference in her life, had she lived in the wild she would have never known love or how good jelly beans could taste, or how fun it was to play with a ball.

I am looking forward to seeing my son tomorrow and even though this is a rough time for him I want to show him, he can move past this and what ever he needs from me I will help him. I am proud of how he is handeling himself and that he is willing to tallk about his feelings and he isn't taking it out on others or himself, he is allowing to work through the pain in order to move on. We as parents need to teach our children that life isnt easy, but we can make it through, just have faith.

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Mothers Journey continues

Last Saturday was my sons first day pass home, he only was able to get 4 hours, but I was estatic. I really miss him. It nice to see him calm and happy. On the way to breakfast, I asked him how he liked his unit, thinking I was going to get a negative response. He replied that it is a learning experiance, and they are helping him cope with his mood swings. I was releived to hear that. I know he is still mad at me for putting him in a hire level of care, but in the end he will have far more skills coming out then he did going in. Still it isn't easy. I have my days were I deeply miss my son, his smile, laughter, jokes and the orney twinkle in this eyes, but I know that the path he was choosing would end in destruction had I not placed him in a theraputic enviroment. One of the toughest issues I am going through is with the staff, not knowing me and how close my son and I are, they have this one track mind way of thinking, that all parents are lazy, it isn't unitl I tell them I was the one who placed my son on the residential unit, not the state, not a case worker, but me!! This always changes thier tune, and they are much more compliant to talk to me regarding my concerns.

Last night was a little tough, my son has been doing so well over the past 4 weeks, and it was disapointing to hear he had an early bed as a consequence, not that I didn't feel he deserved it, but because I always call my son everyday to let him know I love him, I see him every visiting day and take him home when he has passes, so that made me cry when they said I couldn't speak with him, so I said why are you punishing me for my son's consequence, I am not askin to have a conversation, I only want to tell him I love him, the staff member did get him on the phone, and my son was very upset with his consequence, he hated everyone and everything. I aksed him what happened and he said that because he was late getting up and refused to shower he had to go to bed at 8:30, I told him it sounded reasonable to me, and he sisn't agree, but I did get to tell him I loved him. I then was able to speak to the staff and asked what had happend and she said that my son was refusing to do what he was told, complained of a headache and that his nose was stuffy and wanted to continue playing his game. I told her the real him is starting to show, but also let her know he is getting ready to cycle and with all the noise and other boys on the unit his trigger is getting pressed. She agreed and was going to talk to my son about it and see what she could do.

They are really great people and I am glad they are there to help my son, but it isn't the easiest thing to do, so I still am talking things one day at a time.

Tough Love The Jounrey Continues

Any parent knows tough love is the hardest, especesaly with a special needs child. Parents know go through just as much emotions as the child. So the last week in September was my sons birthday. Then mine to follow 4 days later. It was very hard, not because I know he is getting the treatment he needs, but because as a mother you want the most fun and happiest times for your kids. So at his treatment center I brought a cake for the entire unit. I did not get to partipate with the kids bit they thanked be latter that even. Out tradition was that my son and I would always do something together, this year we couldn't, but even though he is learning what he needs to, I have found that with treatment and conisitent support he is on the road to recovery.

This week on the 15th he will have been in treatment for bipolar will be his 30 day review. I have constatanly talk to staff and there is constant communication and visits. Communication by the way is key, because thought it is hard for the parent it is extremely hard on the child. However my son was able to find his triggers. This is a total breack through, he hates the fact that he has issues, but to realize what triggers his disorder is a wonderful thing.

Now today he is upset with the fact that he will be in this treatment center for 60 more days, but the fact that he realizes that he could have made better choices is ecstatic to me. He doesn't realize the progress he has made but I do. My only hope is that he will leave this place taking with him the life skills necessary to succeed. He is know at school every day, carrying A's and doing chores as well as participating group, ( not an easy task no one wants to share their problems) but hes is learning emotions which with bipolar it is hard to do but he is making the step) I am so proud of my son, but I miss him with all of my hart.

Getting my son into a program in which I am not the sole care taker, who make all the decision was the hardest thing I had to do besides losing his father to suicide. But seeing him doing well is all a mother can ask for. I know he is looking forward to spending time with me on his day pass and I can't wait, but the hardest thing is knowing he has other hurdles to acheive, all I can do is remain strong, which I do every day.

I want to say to all the parents out there is that sometimes we have to make decisions that are uncomfortable for our children and at times it will be emotional, but a support system in place so you can have the help and support you need, you may not find it in family, or friends but through referrals, but either way do what is best for your child and family, but do it with out the state taking your rights away. What I mean is don't let your situation get so bad, or give up on your child that the state steps in. I never had that happen to me, because I knew there was a better way, don't let your child fail, be the one who make the first step, and when you do. Even though it hurts, you will know you did the right thing.

Remember bipolar is a disease and it is up to you to find the help, support and education you need to help your child to succeed even if it means you have to send them to a treatment program they hate, in the long run your will find that your child will have the coping and life skills necessary to have the a healthy and productive you wished for and they one they deserve.

I am happy to report that my son is feeling much better about himself, and lets me know that even though he doesn't like the aspects of his treatment he is willing to try and learn how to cope and graduate with his class and be a graphic artist, and you know what I know he can, it is all about support. Parenting never ends, but it is all worth it, when you are educated.

I still miss my son with deepest emotions, but he and I will be better for it, Thanks to the advocates and support I have, some times I will cry because I miss my son, but when I talk to friends, or my advocate, it helps, doesn't take the pain away, but it gives me comfort.

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