Tough Love week 2

So for the past 12 days my son has been in a treatment center to help him develope the life skills, coping skills necessary for him to succeed for when he is an adult. The first day of admintance was very very tough, it was hard seeing my son cry about being put in a repite group environment. With a lot a encouragment from my son's therapist, and my family advocate and friends I was able to get through the first few days.

I did make sure to ask alot of questions, because I wanted reasurance that they were going to help my son. So far my son is on Intake level in which in the first two weeks of being there his is given choires, and responsiblity and the chance to earn allowance for doing his choirs, participating in group, following the behavior rules and going to school and doing his homework. I was so glad to hear from all of the staff, therapist and teacher on how well he is doing.

My son told me he was proud of himself because as of right now he is carrying all "A"'s in his classes, which he hasn't done for a long long time. My son also said that as he is away from me, he is finding that he can do a lot of things he didn't think he could do, because I was always around to help him or do it for him. I truely tried not to do things for him, but when he was refusing to pick up after himself and had his cloths and games all over the house, I couldn't just let it sit there.

Also by him being away he is realizing what is bothering him and has pinpointed what he wants to work on, he is setting goals for himself while I work on the famliy goals. My son will be able to earn day and weekend passes so in order to remain consistent of his treatment I requested the privledge and allowance packet so I can incorporate it at home, his rules aren't much different than what we had, just more structured, and that is one of the things my son needs. His entire day is planned out for him on a schedule, which when he was younger I had, but when he turned 13 I thought he had out grown it, and that is where I went wrong. I was told children with bipolar need structer, consistancy and activities to keep them occupied, and that video games including computer games should be limited because of their addicitve behaviors. My son became a game addict, he hated shutting down the computer when it was time for bed or hate turning off his play station. So now I will have to put a schedule of what times he can play and make sure it isn't too much or too often.

I am very glad I made this decision because I can see a small improvement in my son, he isn't lashing out and hasn't had an episode while there ( I truely hope he doesn't, but they tell me it could happen and to prepare myself if it does)

I recommend that if you have a child who suffers from bipolar and has been hospitalized and been in partical treamtent, but the behaviors aren't getting better and you child is missing alot of school, then you should find a treatment program that will help your child develope the coping and life skills necessary so they can have a happy heathly life. But make sure the place you choose is acrediated and do alot of research and ask questions. You will also want alot of emotional support because it is hard. I still have times when I cry because I miss my son and want him home, but at the same time I know he would go back to his old behavors and that it would be toxic again.

Today is one of the harder day because it is my son's birthday, but thankfully they are letting me go up there and bring a cake for him and his unit, so at least I won't miss his birthday. This week will be tough mainly because his birthday is 4 days before mine and Saturday they don't have visiting time and every year my son has spent my birthday with me, but it is something I will get through, I have plenty of support and everyone keeps reassuring me this is all for the best, which is true, I agree, just hard being mom.

One mothers Journy of tough love

When my son was a toddler, people used to tell me to cherrous those precious years. They told me that when they become teens they are hard to handle and you will probably feel helpless at times as they try to find themselves, because they will act out, rebell. Well what they didn't tell me was that when you have a child who has bipolar disorder that adolences inflames their illness and swells like a volcano. I know all mothers go through many trail and tribulations, they encounter many issues and sometimes we get overwhelmed with parenting, especially a special needs child.

Ever since my son was born I have tried my best to keep him safe, love and proctect him, give him a better childhood than what I had. AT times I feel like a failure as a parent, because I dont know if am I teaching him everything he needs for when he is older. Is he going to make the right choices, does he have the coping skills necessary to survive, the proper education, and most of all will he remember all of the things I did for him whather comforatable or not, that I deeply love him.

I ask this because yesterday I to make one the hardest choices I have had to make with my son. Every school year my son avoids school, when he was smaller, it was easier, if he refused to go to school I would pick him up and take him, with a little positve reinforcement he would most times get out of the car and go to school. However the past three years have been the most tuff. My son has been in therapy, has been in partical hospitialization, hospitalized twice, and though for awhile he seemed he was getting better, then he would snap right back to avoidance, refusal and wouldnt even get his own glass of water, he would yell from the couch, "Mom bring me a glass of water I am thirsty.

One year he was almost chaged with truency, it not been for my excellent documentation and the intentsive treatment I had him in he would have been put through the system. The previous blogs I have mentioned his day treatment program where they work with my son with life skills, peer pressure, saying no to drugs gang violence, group therapy, famliy therapy and coping skills for his illness, but the past 3 weeks my son was refusing to go to treament. refusing to go to school. When he did go to school he refused to do his work while in class, though his teachers were patient and gave me updates daily, I wasn't getting through to my son.

So last week, I deceided to get my son the help he needed, I have tried almost everything and his therapist suggested respite care where his would be placed in a residential treatment program where they could help him with his problems and help him learn to cope with his illness. I was reluctant at first, becaue it made me feel like a failure, am I not being a good enough mother? I aksed and she said it has nothing to do with parenting it has to do with my son, she said that sometimes children who arent responding to what they are supposed to go refuse parental direction they require a higher level of care, that I can not provide. So after finding out everything about where he would be placed and what to expect I asked her to start the paper work. She suggested I get in place a support team because she said I would need it.

So yesterday, again my son refused to go to school. I called his therapist she wasn't in and left a message that he again refused to go, and she said okay Stacey but I want to tell you his paperwork has been approved and he will have a bed tonight, after I heard those words my heart sank, I could barley breath and began sobbing, as if my heart had been ripped to shreads right there. I was also at work, so it made it even harder to keep composure and strong minded about the whole thing, so I called my family advocate in search of reasurrance, but she wasnt available, I called my other advocate, she too was not available, I hang up the phone and all I could do was cry, becaue it now was offical, my son was getting the help he needed but was goingt to be separted from me. I would not be able to be there to proctect him when he got scarred, hugg him good night, or tell him sweet dreams. I knew it was for the best but it emotionaly didn't feel like it.

I did get a hold of the on staff advocate and spoke with her regading the emtional pain I was feeling, her being a mother and having had to do the same thing for her daughter was a tiny bit reassureing. She gave me some insight on how her daughter had eneded up there, because her daughter too had bipolar disorder, but was much more violent then my son.

I cried so much yesterday that my face hurt and I was emotionaly numb. The hardest part was telling my son this was his new place for the next 90 days. I would go into detail, but it still makes me cry, I even stayed home from work today because I didn't want to deal with it. But at least I got to hug my son and tell him how much I love him and I am only doing this to help him. He is hurt by my decison, but I will be damed to have him go through truency and be thrown in a messed up system. Hopefully he will understand some day.

I know I have made the right decsion but it doesnt hurt any less, today I cry becaue I miss my baby, I know that I call him after he has had dinner and talk with him for a little bit, I will get to see him on visiting days. It is just not the same. But as they tell me many kids who have gone through this program come out better then they came in and it make us stronger in the end. They tell me if I can get through this I can get through anything. It is hard to beleave sometimes that you are a strong person, when you feel torn apart. But my sons teachers have all called me and told me that they commend me for making a tough decision, and I felt better for like 5 mins. So I just want parents to know that even thought tough love is something we have to do for our children, it is okay to cry, but don't beat yourself up. You will make it through. Today I am taking it 1 hour at a time.

www.bipolarcental.com

Been a little tough lately

Many parents I am sure are going through the struggles of keeping your children in school. I know my son has a tough time with attendance. In his IEP I had to change it this year, mainly because you have to know when your child is working you and the system. Last year I had so he attended school 50% of the time. He was to do half the homework with full credit and turn in a homework behavioral sheet at the the end of the day and bring it home. His level one support was to provide him living and coping skills. I mainly did this because he was hospiatalized twice and was in and out of partical treatment.

This year is a total different issue. School has been in session for 11 days and my son has missed 4 full days and 4 half days with 2 of the days being excused. Knowing that my son isn't experiancing the same issues as last year, I changed his IEP because I know he is just defying me. He want to do things that are only fun. Which don't we all. He is right now at the point where he refuses to go to school because he feels it is stupid but has these grandose illusions that he can go out and get a computer programming job making $40 an hour. I don't even make that and I have an education.

So it was a tough desion but considering I know he is trying to avoid work I have changed his IEP to him being in school 80% of the time with having to do full assignment 80% of the time (which he can he is extremely bright) and he is to have positive interaction with his peers 80% of the time, and if he is overwhelmed he is to go to the school counceler to regroup which them he will take the day one class at a time.

My son feels this is unfair, because by going to school he can't play his computer game runescape. But I am sticking my ground and have told him too bad. Last night I was telling my son that he isn't a baby any more and if we wants to spend time with his friends or go to moives then he has to behave like he can handle it. I also told him that just because he has bipolar disorder does not mean he is excused from doing what is expected of him. I told him your name is Steve not bipolar nor is your middle name. So if you want to be treated like Steve then you need to start coping and do what is expected for a kid your age.

So he understood because he said that is something what his therapist would say. We have told him he is going to have this disorder the rest of his life just like I am going to have allergies, and be nearsigted the rest of mine, but don't use it as a crutch. There are tools out there to help him over come his challenges. So I sat down with him and kept my lecture brief but explained to him he has choices to make positve or negative ( I try to refaine from good and bad because I have noticed children with bipolar take the words good and bad and internalize it like if you say you are being bad then they feel they are a bad person and will feel they cant do anything right, so that I why is use positve and negative or if I use good and bad I describe it this way " you can make good choices or bad (poor) choices, which every good choice you make you gain something, with each poor (bad choice) you loose something. Only you have the power to do what is right.

But though these techeniques are starting to sit in for my son, it maybe too late. I have been telling him for months now to make the proper choice, and like 20% of the time he has. ( I have also been tougher with the rules, I don't back down or give in because he has worn me out.) That was one of the things my son was good at arguing , I have learned not to argue, if he want to argue he gets 5 mins a day and once that 5 mins is over I will not listen ( but this is case by case baisis to remeber pick your battles)

Another thing is punching the wall, It infuriates me, so the violence rule, you beak it your fix it and it comes out of your allowence. So far he hasn't punched a hole in the wall since he had to fix the one in is room and since he did it , he has to earn his door back to his room. It is easy, hell no there are times I want to run away, but I use relaxation techniques, I find walking to be good. Or deep breathing with music I like or just reading a book. But one of the most important things I have learned is you don't have to go through this alone. Find support, you need it, and it helps because there are times I am overwhelmed and need emtional suppor and I will call a friend or an advocate. This way I can keep my sanity, plus I learn things at the same time.

All of us parents need to stick together, it is tough with special needs children, but you also need to take care if yourself as well, and sometimes that means a break from the children. Your family will appreciate you more. ( When I mean a break, there are respite centers that can care for you child so you can have a break)

until next time take care.