Remaining Consistant

Just want to cover the consistancy topic. This is somthing that as parents is hard at times to be. However, when you are not conisisant your child will pick up on with thier teen/child radar and will go with gusto to get there way.

So how do you remain consistant? Well for me I have the rules written down and my son has signed off on them stating that he understands the rules and they are subject to change with verbal and written notice if changes need to be made. Also he has a list of consequences for offenses he has done or for the poor choices in behavior he makes. NO matter how much he yells, cries or screams, when he makes a poor choice the consquences stick. Plus I have the consequences fit the poor behavior choice, so not only does he learn that certain actions are not acceptable, but they also earn him a consequence for the choice he has made.

It is not an easy task and there are times you may want to run out the house screaming, but stay firm, keep a sense of humor and continue teaching you are not going to back down. Now there will be times as all parents have experianced where you do give in, and that is fine we are all guilty of bending the rules, but if you do it too often then your child thinks, hey If i just get on her nerves more than I will get my way. Think back to when you were a child/teen. You knew how to work your parents and when not to, out kids are the same, we just loose touch with that aspect.

I know my son can be specialy moody and manipulative when he doesnt like the consequence and will choose to whine, cry, yell and be less than pleaseant to be with. Sometimes I want to go in the closet and scream, but I look for creative ways to turn the negative behavior into the positive. For instance on past blogs, I explained my sons addtiction to the internet. Well he was without for two days because he missed his bus for his treatment program. He would whine beg plead and the word was still no. I did not take his unkind words to heart, he was angry, I allowed him to be angry quitely. I told him he could channel his anger into somthing he likes to do ( draw, read, write, mad libs) which I had to redirect him alot, but I remained consistent

Again it is not an easy road and when you are a single parent it is even tougher. That is why you need a parenting buddy someone who can give you a time out wheather they come over for 20 mins for your to recharge or you just vent your fustrations out. A parent buddy works. I still have them. Believe me, without the addtional support you will be angry, sad and resentful. With releif you will be able to focus on your children/child more.

Every parent deserves a time out. But in the mean time be consistent, and good luck.

Still working things out.

My son started out good this morning, was up at 6:30am. I asked him why he was up so early and he told me that he was practicing for summer school. I didn't believe him because I knew he was up to something. He has been polite all day and following his check list minus the household choirs. So what happens?

My son misses his bus for dat treatment. He did have an ulterior motive, he wanted to stay on the internet and go swimming. That is a big no. I told my son that since he missed his bus for treatment that he would now have to resort to his household choirs and if he was finished them he could do things that were on his free time list.

This at first went over like toxic waste, but after explaining to him (over the phone while at work) what his consequences would be if he didn't follow the rules. So at fist my son starting yelling at me telling me how unfair I was being. So I said " Good then you get the point of real life." his response was " This sucks". I responded, " you choose to miss your bus, and now you must accept the rules you need to follow. No one said you needed to be overjoyed with choirs, but you need to accept them and stop yelling.

My son stopped yelling and said I was overwhelming him and he needed to calm down. Which is fine, my boyfriend was home with him right now anyway so I know he is in good hands. He (my boyfriend)maybe a little frazzled when I get home, but then it will be my turn to tag him out for awhile for him to regroup. It is soooo imporant to take a parent time out, you think so much clearer and you are less emotional over the sistuation. When I didn't have anyone to help me I tried to keep my sense of humor, and think is this situation really that bad or is there something I can make my self smile about. AT time no but with practice I have learned that it helps elevate the pressure. When IT was just me and my son ( I was alone taking care of him for over 9 years) and I was feeling overwhelmed with the different fits or distraction, once he was calm and able to entertain himself, I did something that was relaxing to me. Sometimes it was venting to a friend other times it was drawing, singing, dancing in the living room. Or blowing up small balloons and popping them when my son was outside playing. Sound silly but it worked for me

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Example of goals and check list

Sometimes I forgot how old hat this is to me and do not give examples and such of how to start goals and check lists. So here is a qucik hit.

My sons goals for the next two weeks are the following
1. Take a shower at noon
2.Use shampoo to wash hair then use conditioner/use soap for body.
3.Wash face in shower
4. Put on clean underwear and clothes.
5. Brush teeth after taking a shower
6. Use Mouth Wash
7. Put on Deodorant
8. Put on cologne
9.Brush hair
10. But dirty clothes and towel in hamper

The above list is posted on the bathroom wall behind the door and in my son's room.

The house rules that are hard to follow and what my son agreed to follow ( there are more rules, but I start out on what he can handle)

1. Respect other in the household even when you are mad at them or do not agree.
2. Clean room for at leat 15 mins a day
3. Help clean around the house by picking up after self
4. No foul Language
5. No punching walls or people when angry
6. If in a mad mood tell mom and we will work through it with a coping skill technique
7. If feeling depressed tell mom even if I am at work
8. Take care of the trash
9. Follow the internet schedule
10. Be resonsible for your own actions, no one makes you do anything harmful or hurtful those are your choices
11. Take meds at bedtime ( If I forget to give them to you remind me)
12. Attend summer school and be respectful of others and teachers
13.Make own food when hunrgy do not demand food to be brought to you
14. Get your own water when thirsty do not demand me to do it for you.
15. ACCEPT NO FOR AN ANSWER: You are allowed not to like it, but you must accept it.
16. Treat me how you want to be treated.

So here is what we have in place, everyone is different in what they need to work on, but for now this is what we are working on. In two weeks in could be different or the same just depends on how fast or long it takes for my son to make these things habits.

Another Monday

My son was doing so well saturday and then Sunday morning he was fine. About early afternoon, Kaboom. Goals shot to poop. I know he was really trying. But the crowds at the shopping centers were overwhelming to him. We would walk in a store and once more people starting showing up my son would get nervous and want to leave. Which was fine. I should have left them minute he felt claustrophobic, but I wanted 10 extra mins to see if he could just try and work through it.

When we got home, he was angry, yelling swearing and breaking all of the rules and goals. Okay, instead of giving him immediate consequences I gave him time to calm down, 15mins. It really didn't help the situation much, but he told me that since we didn't leave the store rightaway like he asked now he was going to be in a bad mood all day. I told him he is deciding to be mad, it is fine to be mad for the moment, but your are choosing for the whole day. Ahha. Okay so that made him think for a little while, but everything I tried doing for him, just didn't make him feel better. So I made a sign it read. "Steve you are to be made, crabby and unhappy all day" and drew a frowning face. My son chuckled and asked if he could make a sign of feelings so when he is feeling a certain way he can hang it up. I told him we could, he is too old for popsicle puppets.

later he asked me to cut his hair and I did exactly how he wanted it, he like it for the first hour and hated it the rest of the evening. ( his hair was like the character cousin it) He just isn't used to seeing his cute face.

Today has been another battle. He claims he has a migraine and is too sick to go to treatment. He is just avoiding because he doesn't like the haircut and is afraid of what the other kids will say. ( I went to cosmotology school I know how to cut hair). So deep breaths and what I have decided to do is, start over tomorrow. Tonight we will take it hour to hour. It is much easier that way. But either way we will get through this cycle. I would go into detail but his emotions can be one minute to the next. But I have added to his list of triggers is crowed grocery stores and department stores.


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Learning goals

The schedule in place is working. This is great. Also we have incorporated a 21 day goal to acheive a positive habit. Since it takes 21 days to make a habit, we have deceided to incorporate goals in which my son can achive to form a hygene and chore habit.

First I had my son write down what he wants to work on, then I wrote down how I can help him achieve his goal and in turn he learns to help himself and gain habits he will need when he is an adult.

Now these goals to other people who do not suffer bipolar may seem like things they would normally do. My son has had a hard time with taking showers regualry, bruching teeth, changing his cloths. ( he would were the same shirt for 3 days). So in order to help him he now has personal goals to achieve. How do I help him? Well my giving him positve reinforcement, and encouragment on the rough days. My son rapid cycles and has racing thought throughout the day and at least twice during the day he will have moments of rage or depression. Since I know when they are occuring, my goal is to remain calm and supportive while helping him through those cycles.

His home goal is to and certan times throughout the day is to do choirs, I have made it very simple. He works on his room for 15 mins a day, takes out trash as needed, helps with the dishes as needed, and is in charge of puting away towels and his cloths. Thsi too is a 21 day goal. What happens if he doesn't reach all of his goals. We start over and try again, but the ones he achieves I have a made a certificate he can put in his achievement binder, so he can look back when feeling discouraged what he has accomplished. I think people forget the small things in life. So what if didn't reach all goals you tried to hit, the ones you did is an accoplishment and needs to be recognized.

I am really excited about learning about how to advocate, because what they tell you to do for people with disabillities is to make a master plan, have a mission and set small goals. When it isn't working them you modify. So after chapter one I have a mission, working on a master plan, but we now have goals my son who has personal goals, I have parenting goals, we have family goals. I even have made goals for me at work and on how I want to learn as much as possilbe on how to help othr parent.

I don't have all the answers, but what I don't know I will learn. I am just excited today that my son and I agree with goals, We even deceided to spend the afternoon together. Lunch was fun.
Library time is almost up and my minutes are about out, wonder what we will do next.

The schedule

Okay things have been a little easier with the new schedule. Pretty much I kept it simple. On graph paper I put mon-Fri and shaded in blocks of time he can not be on the internet. I also shaded in choir time and free time. Choir time is yellow, free time is blue and internet time is white.

So far he has only violated the schedule twice. He found himself loosing a lot of time. I explained to him what the rules were he agreed, because he helped make the rules. It is always a surprise to him that I am consistent and follow through. I know he is waiting for me to forget and not follow through, which makes me work that much harder.

Having been studying how to be an effective advocate has been really interesting. Recently my son and I have incorporated weekly goals of what he wants to accomplish and what I would like him to accomplish. So far he has accomplished getting to level 30 on his game and he is behind two days of laundry. So tonight is the time I tell him he can not have any internet time until he accomplishes one of the goals I set for him. He will probably pick take a shower and put cloths in the hamper, which is fine, it is only Tuesday.

Smile and exhale.

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Holding my ground and I want to scream

Today bites. I know there are better more educated words to use, but I am fustraighted.

This morning at 1am, my son was still up. I was nice and calm telling him to get to bed and that the thunderstorm wasn't a bad one and that he was safe. Thankfully he layed down and I went back to bed at 1:45.

So I am up at 6:30 thinking since everyone is a sleep I would take my shower. Silly me, just as I was washing my hair my son bangs on the door urgently, I am thinking what in the world. As soap is running in my eye I turn off the water and yell, "WHAT DO YOU NEED" my son says, hurry I have to p**p. I can not believe it, he expects me to jump out of the shower because he can't hold it for another 5 mins.

So I hurry and wrap a beach towel around me, and yell to my son the bathroom is free and he better have to p**p or I am going to freak out. ( looking back now I laugh, my upstairs neighbor's must think we are bananas.)

So after the bathroom issue, I leave for work. So as I am trying to do my job, my son calls crying this is like 2 in the afternoon. I ask him what is wrong and he said Drew ( my boyfriend) was yelling profusely at him to get off the computer. My son said that Drew made him so mad he threw the cell phone. Okay I know he was being a drama king but I was very very mad my son threw the cell phone. I am hoping my co-workers did not hear the swear words that fell out of my mouth, (none were the "f "word, but all the same)

So after playing referee with my son and boyfriend I called my son's therapist at the day treatment facility were my son is going for 3 hours today.

I explaine to her the situation. Of how my son didn't want to get off the computer when told, and that he told my boyfriend "sucks to be you" when he said he needed the phone to call this one place to set up an interview. Oh I was sooooooooooo mad at my son. He didn't listen to the rules, but Drew did follow the rules I set up for my son and that made my son mad.

The bad thing is they both were not handling the situation very well and I was the mediator, thank God I didn't have to fill in for the receptionist today, because I would have been the center of entertainment, yelling at the two boys while answering calls in between.

The next thing my son decides to do is blame Drew for having to get off the internet and me telling his therapist what he was doing. I cleared that up for my son, I told him he was in charge of his own behavior and only has himself to thank for the poor choices he made.

4:00pm the bus is there to pick up my son, he sees it, but does everything in his power to try and miss the bus. My boyfriend calls in a frantic state ( Mr. Mom he isn't) and complains about My sons slow going. I told him to tell my son that if he didn't get on the bus then I would add a day of treatment for him and his go up would be about taking responsibility for his actions ( I know he just loves that one)

So he gets on the bus, My boyfriend is now very crabby with the whole days events, and It irritates me because I am still at work and he is complaining that he is tired. I understand my son is a handful, probably a good thing he didn't know us 10 years ago because then 6 hour trantrums, kicking, biting, punching, destroying, peeing on other peoples cars ( that was a fun episode). Anyway my boyfriend calmed down and is relaxing.

So 45 mins later the therapist calls and wants to verify my son's story ( so glad I called her first and let her know the play by play) My son was denying he was on the internet & said he was only on it for an hour. Then she put me on speaker and my son immediately changed his story and the therapist thanked my for my concerns and would finish writing my son's game play for the rest of the week.

So I will see how tonight either explodes or works out. I vote for it to work out, because I would like to study for my advocate program. or I think I will take my own advice and have my boyfriend and I play mad libs and laugh for awhile.

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Communication is key

Now that the rules of the internet have been established and open communications is restored, I think we are now at the understanding point of expectation.

My son and I sat down when both of were calm and discussed the rules regarding the internet. It was nice, my son was receptive and I let him add his rules as well, I wanted him to be apart of the process to give him ownership and to feel that he too had a say.

I was very impressed with his input. Not only did he help establish the rules but he also helped out with the consquences for not following the rules. This is not to say that later we may both become disgruntle over the issue since everyday is new and his mood swings can be moment to moment. But all in all the key to this experiance was open communication and letting each other speak.

We also talked about how to help with feelings when over emotional, mad, indifferent and such. It was funny at times because I asked him, " when you are mad what do you think would help you? His answer "I don't know?' So I said how can I help you? So one of the things he asked is for a code word, since he uses " You are overwhelming me ( he will say this even when I ask him if he can pick up his shirt off the floor) we decided that when he says this phrase in an angry to suggest music and sing our own lyrics to the songs. That works for me. So that is step two.

The reason we discussed feeling and how it ties into internet usage, is my son tries to use it as an escape from day to day issues. He says it keeps him calm and that when he isn't with friends and doesn't want to work out then he will be on the internet playing a game. The problem is he becomes engrossed so much he only leaves the room for necessities. So when I requested him off he would get mad, I would be mad for him yelling at me. So a solution was needed, and Walla step one.

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Too much equals stress

So the first official week of no school was draining. My son has been hyper and unreasonable. So much so I want to scream, you know the kind of scream is horror movies. Ever since we got a computer and mind you it is an old refurbished one, my son has been constantly requesting we get internet.

What I mean by constantly I mean every other word was "mom we need the internet" " Oh mom did I mention we need the internet" Mom I almost forgot, we need the internet". As you know these type of requests and me saying " no, and by the way no, and did I mention "NO". Didn't get me too far, other then my son trying to sell me on the idea.

So Tuesday I got the internet. What a mistake. My son no matter how hard I try to peel him away has become extremely addicted to ruin scape. The first official day we had it he woke up at 6am (mind he wouldn't do this for school) and was on the internet, I was at work and was irritated that I couldn't get through on the phone. So Day two same thing, very upset with the issue and call his therapist and explains my concerns, She was going to talk to him about the rules I established and how they are not to be ignored when I am at work.

So Day three, I call home again he is on line, so how does the mature adult handle the situation. Well not the way I did. I should have remained calm and unplugged the computer. But I didn't everything I have learned went out the door. I was bananas, I left over lunch hour (not happy about because I am overly swamped with all the presentation I have to produce and marketing material) so I am in my care swearing trying to get it out of my system. Doesn't work.

I unlock the door to my apartment and was yelling like Tarzan. I am sure my neighbor's were hoping for some cheap entertainment. I am in the house yelling, swearing and told my son to get his ass off of the computer before I freak out. My son comes out of his room, and says to me " Geez what is your problem, why are you freaking out? Are you PMSing. That was it, I stomped my foot and told him if he didn't get off the computer right now I was going to throw it out the window and set it on fire ( now that was not the right thing to do as I stated before I should have calmly unplugged the computer, cancelled the internet and went back to work)

So now that I have calmed down, the rules regarding internet use are being followed a little. He isn't going to porn sites or chat rooms, and he will even take a two hour break. So I have told my son the following, he will only get 2 hours a day on the internet or I cancel it.

Here is hoping that this will sink in, if not he know I am not afraid of taking the internet away, I am hoping he isn't challenging me, because as always I follow through. And this suprises him each time.
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