One mothers Journy of tough love

When my son was a toddler, people used to tell me to cherrous those precious years. They told me that when they become teens they are hard to handle and you will probably feel helpless at times as they try to find themselves, because they will act out, rebell. Well what they didn't tell me was that when you have a child who has bipolar disorder that adolences inflames their illness and swells like a volcano. I know all mothers go through many trail and tribulations, they encounter many issues and sometimes we get overwhelmed with parenting, especially a special needs child.

Ever since my son was born I have tried my best to keep him safe, love and proctect him, give him a better childhood than what I had. AT times I feel like a failure as a parent, because I dont know if am I teaching him everything he needs for when he is older. Is he going to make the right choices, does he have the coping skills necessary to survive, the proper education, and most of all will he remember all of the things I did for him whather comforatable or not, that I deeply love him.

I ask this because yesterday I to make one the hardest choices I have had to make with my son. Every school year my son avoids school, when he was smaller, it was easier, if he refused to go to school I would pick him up and take him, with a little positve reinforcement he would most times get out of the car and go to school. However the past three years have been the most tuff. My son has been in therapy, has been in partical hospitialization, hospitalized twice, and though for awhile he seemed he was getting better, then he would snap right back to avoidance, refusal and wouldnt even get his own glass of water, he would yell from the couch, "Mom bring me a glass of water I am thirsty.

One year he was almost chaged with truency, it not been for my excellent documentation and the intentsive treatment I had him in he would have been put through the system. The previous blogs I have mentioned his day treatment program where they work with my son with life skills, peer pressure, saying no to drugs gang violence, group therapy, famliy therapy and coping skills for his illness, but the past 3 weeks my son was refusing to go to treament. refusing to go to school. When he did go to school he refused to do his work while in class, though his teachers were patient and gave me updates daily, I wasn't getting through to my son.

So last week, I deceided to get my son the help he needed, I have tried almost everything and his therapist suggested respite care where his would be placed in a residential treatment program where they could help him with his problems and help him learn to cope with his illness. I was reluctant at first, becaue it made me feel like a failure, am I not being a good enough mother? I aksed and she said it has nothing to do with parenting it has to do with my son, she said that sometimes children who arent responding to what they are supposed to go refuse parental direction they require a higher level of care, that I can not provide. So after finding out everything about where he would be placed and what to expect I asked her to start the paper work. She suggested I get in place a support team because she said I would need it.

So yesterday, again my son refused to go to school. I called his therapist she wasn't in and left a message that he again refused to go, and she said okay Stacey but I want to tell you his paperwork has been approved and he will have a bed tonight, after I heard those words my heart sank, I could barley breath and began sobbing, as if my heart had been ripped to shreads right there. I was also at work, so it made it even harder to keep composure and strong minded about the whole thing, so I called my family advocate in search of reasurrance, but she wasnt available, I called my other advocate, she too was not available, I hang up the phone and all I could do was cry, becaue it now was offical, my son was getting the help he needed but was goingt to be separted from me. I would not be able to be there to proctect him when he got scarred, hugg him good night, or tell him sweet dreams. I knew it was for the best but it emotionaly didn't feel like it.

I did get a hold of the on staff advocate and spoke with her regading the emtional pain I was feeling, her being a mother and having had to do the same thing for her daughter was a tiny bit reassureing. She gave me some insight on how her daughter had eneded up there, because her daughter too had bipolar disorder, but was much more violent then my son.

I cried so much yesterday that my face hurt and I was emotionaly numb. The hardest part was telling my son this was his new place for the next 90 days. I would go into detail, but it still makes me cry, I even stayed home from work today because I didn't want to deal with it. But at least I got to hug my son and tell him how much I love him and I am only doing this to help him. He is hurt by my decison, but I will be damed to have him go through truency and be thrown in a messed up system. Hopefully he will understand some day.

I know I have made the right decsion but it doesnt hurt any less, today I cry becaue I miss my baby, I know that I call him after he has had dinner and talk with him for a little bit, I will get to see him on visiting days. It is just not the same. But as they tell me many kids who have gone through this program come out better then they came in and it make us stronger in the end. They tell me if I can get through this I can get through anything. It is hard to beleave sometimes that you are a strong person, when you feel torn apart. But my sons teachers have all called me and told me that they commend me for making a tough decision, and I felt better for like 5 mins. So I just want parents to know that even thought tough love is something we have to do for our children, it is okay to cry, but don't beat yourself up. You will make it through. Today I am taking it 1 hour at a time.

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