I got a comment recently saying, “I’m not sure all this is true,” and it hurt my feelings. I actually started feeling sorry for myself because one person doubted my word. Oh, how defensive I felt.
Then I went back to an old post I wrote called “Stop Worrying What Other People Think of You” and my own fingers pointed back at me.
Here’s an exerpt from that post:
“Just be who we are, and let people think what they want to think. It really is none of our business what people think of us (negative or positive), and we’re just wasting precious energy trying to please other people when we could be using our energy to help the people who need our help, to love the people who do appreciate us for who we are.”
Like I said, when I read that, I knew I was wasting my time and energy worrying about what this one person thought of me and my blog.
In my defense, however, I will say this. Everything I write is from the heart. It’s all true. I no longer have to be dramatic or make things up or do things to try to make people like me. That’s not what this blog is about. It’s about presenting the truth as I know it, and trying to help someone else with bipolar disorder.
So why should I care? Because I do care about the people who read this blog. You are real to me, and when I write I know I’m writing to real people. And if even one thing I say is useful to you, I consider that post a success.
A few people have had objections to my usual closing (“Remember God loves you and so do I”), either because they think it is too “religious” or because they don’t believe I love them. Well, the truth is that I care about every person who has bipolar disorder, and I want to help you. Because of my stability, I can now love unconditionally. I do what I wish someone had done for me before I was stable. I let them know that they’re not alone.
I wish I knew back then that God loved me. I thought there was something fundamentally wrong with me, that I had problems with relationships and in feeling loved, that I was crazy and there was no hope for me. I didn’t think anyone cared. But it was only irratioinal thoughts from my bipolar disorder. Now I know the difference.
So many people are struggling with their disorder right now, and I feel for every one of them, because I’ve been there. That’s why I share my experience. I have been diagnosed as both types of BP. I have experienced the psychotic episodes. I really have tried to kill myself 5 times and been institutionalized or hospitalized 5 times. I can only pray that that doesn’t happen to someone else.
I want to get information out there that I didn’t have when I was struggling. That’s why I write what I do. I mean, I didn’t even know one other person who was going through what I was going through. It’s kind of like only an alcoholic can understand another alcoholic. I try to be that one other person with bipolar disorder who understands your situation, so that you can be spared some of the trials that I experienced with bipolar.
As far as this person’s comment… I DO care. Not about what other people think of me, but I do care about the people who read this blog and their supporters, and their struggle. This is a nefarious disease, with no cure. Sometimes all I have to offer is my experience, strength, and hope for your recovery. And at that I am honest.
I’m no longer insecure about being a person with bipolar disorder, because I know it does NOT define me as a person. I know who I am outside the disorder. That’s how I can live with it. One of the biggest messages I’m out here promoting is YOU ARE NOT YOUR DISORDER! You have your own identity.
Hopefully, some of my posts have helped you to understand that, and the other things I write about. Just know this. I honestly do care what happens to you. And I will NOT let bipolar disorder steal even one other person’s spirit like it stole mine.
Wishing you peace and stability,
Remember God loves you and so do I,
Michele
What really struck me was your comment on how I am not this disorder. I have my own identity. How true. I can’t let being bipolar run my life, I am in control of my own actions. Being bipolar isn’t who I am, it’s just a small part of my makeup. So I don’t hesitate to tell people that I do deal with it, not as an excuse to behaviors but as a simple fact that it is what it is – take me or leave me!
I know it’s been a while since I’ve commented, life has been insane with OB visits and extra checks on this little one. Having diabetes has made it a fun pregnancy, but I am happy to report that everything is still going well with me, and with baby. I have been able to remain med-free this whole time thanks to supportive and understanding friends, family, and my husband. He’ll be here next Wednesday at the latest, almost done!
Michelle –
I was so glad to see your comment and hear that you and baby are ok. I know it’s been a long struggle with you, and you’ve been so courageous thru it all. I respect you for that. Not many people would do what you did. This baby is going to be a blessing for your faith and patience. You’re a real good example of a stable, successful person with BP. I like what you said in the beginning of your post, too. Keep hanging in there, and keep me posted.
Blessings,
Michele
I appreciate your posts very much. Recently I have been having suicidal thoughts and reading your posts helps me to remember there are other people out there that have survived what I’m going through. I don’t have to feel alone. It helps…a lot. Thanks
I also appreciate your posts. Today was not one of the best days, and while I am in the midst of an almost 3 mos. recovery (was off my meds for 6 mos now trying to get stabilized), I discovered pms makes me feel worse.
I was sitting on my couch, and just feel down. I have your blog bookmarked, and thought I would read a bit, and not feel so alone.
As my meds are being altered and I’m trying to get by bit by bit, It’s hard for me to remember that I am not my disorder, because right now it seems to envelop so much of my life (dr. appt., therapy, pushing myself just to get motivated to get through the day). I know when this starts to lift, I will realize that I am ME! and ‘feeling bipolar’ won’t be at the forefront. I thank you and God that you take the time to blog, and that you care.
Cindy and Jane –
I’m so sorry that you’re both having hard tme of it right now. Just remember that it does get better. I know that may not mean much right now, but you can’t give up hope. Sometimes that’s the only thing we have to hold onto when our BP seems to be getting the better of us. I care about you both very much, and am glad you commented. You have no idea how much you have encouraged me, instead of the other way around. I hope you both feel better real soon. Remember that God really does love you, and you are never alone with Him on your side. This is just a passing phase, remember that. You’ve been through this before and came out on the other side, and you’ll do it again this time. Please, please write back and keep me posted on how you’re doing. You are loved. And you are NOT alone. Ever.
Blessings to you both. You are in my prayers.
Michele
loved this blog entry..explains EXACTLY how i perceive my day today!