Hey, y’all –
This is Suicide Awareness Week, and it made me think again of my unsuccessful suicide attempts (thank God I survived) as well as my sister’s unfortunately successful suicide attempt.
I am so grateful for my life today. It is so very much different than before. No more out-of-control behavior. No more deep, dark, pain-filled depressions. No more impulsive spending and other problems from manic episodes.
Because I am on such good medication, practice healthy habits (physically and emotionally), see my therapist, have a strong support system, and keep my life as stress-free as possible, I am able to live a normal life. It’s so good to be in control of this devastating disease.
My sister, Deb, was the greatest girl in the world. I almost worshipped her – she had solutions to everything I always struggled with. I envied her business success as well. She had started a business from the ground up, from home, and built it till it became an international success.
Deb was so energetic, so motivated, so inspirational, that it couldn’t help but leak onto anyone around her. And she was kind and loving. So very loving.
My sister, Deb, was my best friend in the whole world.
But my sister also had bipolar disorder and, after convincing herself that she was “fine,” she went off her medications. A few months later she took a gun and killed herself.
When Deb died, a part of me died with her. I used to call her “the twin of my heart” because we were separated by 3 yrs officially, but in every other way we were twins. I couldn’t believe how devastated I was. But I did NOT go into an episode.
I had to suffer through the grief of losing a loved one, just like anyone else, bipolar or not. I suffered pain, agony, loss, and yes, depression.
And anger. I was so angry, because I couldn’t stop my sister’s suicide. I was so angry, because I wasn’t there with her. I was so angry, because I never got to say goodbye. I was so angry, and still am, because MY SISTER DID NOT HAVE TO DIE! If she had stayed on her bipolar medications, she would still be alive today, still my best friend, the one who I could turn to and count on for everything.
A part of me died with my sister’s death. But the biggest part of me resolved to never again even consider suicide (I had previously made 5 attempts), because of the pain of my sister’s. The loss was of devastating proportions.
I know that my sister killed herself because she was in pain. I know that she committed suicide because, at the time, she was not thinking rationally, and couldn’t see another way out. I know that my sister was only thinking about herself and her pain and confusion, and could not see past it to realize how much her death would hurt the ones she loved.
With bipolar disorder does come the propensity for suicidal thoughts. But we can CHOOSE how we react to them. We do not have to believe the suicidal ramblings of an irrational mind. We can have safeguards in place. Plans of what to do if we ever feel suicidal.
But if you have thought of dying, of suicide, I have this to say to you – GET HELP! Don’t do to your loved ones what my sister did to me. I still miss her grieviously every single day, and it’s been 5 years now.
YOU ARE NOT ALONE! Other people with bipolar disorder have thought of killing themselves, too. But they didn’t do it, and many, many people are now living happy, successful, productive lives because of it. Yes, it’s hard. It’s hard to live with a mental illness that tries to kill you. But you have self-will, and that will can make you stronger than your disorder. You can stay alive and find release from your pain if you just fight against those irrational suicidal thoughts.
I am very passionate about this subject, as you can tell. I know now, in looking back, that every time I considered suicide (many more times than I actually attempted it), the solution to my problems was right around the corner.
I am one of the lucky ones, and I’m grateful.
Now I’m asking those of you who are like me, who have survived suicidal thoughts and/or attempts, to post on here to those people who are struggling with suicide right now. Tell your story. It will help them to know they’re not alone, at the very least. Please help me to help them.
Wishing you peace and stability,
Remember God loves you and so do I,
Michele
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I, too, have been plagued with suicidal thoughts over the past several years. I ended up in the hospital because of them last year. They are very difficult to deal with, but by taking my medication I can keep them at bay for the most part. So, my advice to everyone is to take your medication, see your therapist, see your doctor and talk with your friends and family. Be open about your thoughts and seek help. Best of luck to all.
I was wondering if it was normal to not feel any emotion with meds. I have been on this combination of meds for about a month now and I guess my body is starting to adjust to them. But I can’t seem to have emotions at all. At church today I and the week before I can’t even get moved to show emotion about the service. It bothers me! I have always been an emotional person at church, it makes me feel as though i’m not connecting with God.
I have attempted to take my life about three times when I was younger. ten yrs ago I got a call from my Uncle. We had just buried my father, his brother, five months earlier. Uncle had decided to end his life. I went searching for him to stop instead I witnessed his death. I decided at the moment in time, like Michele, that I would never kill myself. When you lose a loved on to this horrible thing you lose a part of yourself. A part of me died that day holding my Uncles hand waiting for the police and paramedics to arrive.
I beg an plead with anyone thinking this to please seek help. Please do not leave your family with so much termoil and grief after you die. I still to this day ask why. Why he left, why he waited till I showed up to do this, why he watched his brother, my father, fight for fifteen months for every breathe he took, for every extra minute he could get from the cancer, and then he just gives up and takes his life. My uncle did not have bipolar disorder. He was extremely depressed. I begged him to seek help many times.
Suicide is not the answer. Suicide has never been the answer. Talk to someone please. Get the help you need so you can live a productive and happy life. It is possible with Bipolar to be happy and productive. It is possible to live a good life. It is possible to be stable and at peace with yourself and with the world. It takes two step. Step 1: You have to decide and want to live this kind of life. Step 2: Call and make an appointment to see someone who can help you acheive this. That is all it takes. Please do not hesitate one more minute, one more second. reach out today.
Your Friend
Melissa
Teresa –
Sometimes, with a new medication, a dullness of emotions can be a side effect. Keep watching it, and if it goes on much longer, talk to your psychiatrist, as your dosage may need to be lowered. Our best medication should not dull our emotions – mine don’t. They let me still feel what I need to feel and be who I am. But in the beginning of any new medication, dosage adjustments may need to be made. As far as not feeling that spiritual connection with God, whether you “feel” it or not, it is still there. Stand on the promises of the Bible, even if it’s only in your head for now, and not in your heart. He said, “I will NEVER leave you nor forsake you.” The Scripture I use for my bipolar disorder is, “I do not have the spirit of fear, but of power, and of love, and of a SOUND MIND.” Hope this helps.
Blessings,
Michele
I was diagnosed with Bioplar II several years ago, and I was wanting to know if someone can get worse as they get older? I take my meds like i’m suppose to. But they’re are days when it takes everything I have to get thougth each day. I never had to use Xanax to make it through the day. Now it is getting more and more frequent. I work a full time job, but fear I might lose it due to the fact that I can’t even make it through the day. The manager knows I have bipolar and wants to work with me on it. I would like to have someone just to talk to about what I go through but I can’t afford to miss work and also the money to see a therapist. Just needed to vent. Thanks for listening.
Teresa –
Come here to vent any time. You’ll always find someone who can relate to what you’re going through. When I was still trying to work, I had the HR Dept keep a FMLA (Family Medical Leave Act) on file so that I could leave when I needed to without penalty of losing my job. You miight want to look into that, since your boss is willing to work with you. The problem with fatigue might be something physical (like low thyroid) or the depression of bipolar disorder. You might want to get checked out physically.
Blessings,
Michele
Nice site!
I found this site by seaching desperately for the last several hours on the net. My sister, 4 years younger, last tried suicide (to my knowledge) about 3 months ago. She began drinking at about 12 years old, progressed to pot, cocaine, stuff I don’t know or remember the names of, prescription drugs. She has in the past been such an accomplished liar that she’s scammed all her family (including me) out of money, sympathy, empathy, etc., etc. The stories are disgusting and revolting. She visited the same upon my niece, now 23 years old, who as children will, worships and caretends her mother, while she goes to nursing school. After a jillion events, my sister attempted suicide on these pills prescribed by ONE doctor and filled by ONE pharmacist on Feb 9, 08 (NOT blaming the pharmacist) – 120 Vicodin, 90 Valium, 90 Xanax, and various muscle relaxants (names of which I don’t know). She refused to stay in the hospital for the tests to determine the extent of her brain, lung, liver, kidney, heart damage once she recovred from the coma. Or for the follow-up psyciatric care & follow-up rehab. Now, she’s gobsmacked that she finds her shoes in the freezer and that she lights candles when the house smells of natural gas in the night and and that she takes her husband’s heart meds & then hides the prescription bottle in the freezer. I know that most people here only have the condition, most don’t have ADDICTION. My sister has been an addict for her whole life, and I’ve wanted someoe to understand the connnection, while she hints that my father, the most spiritual human I’ve ever known, sexually molested her, while she blame me for being her older sister with better grades and such a “prude”., the “blamees” are endless.