Hey, y’all –
Do you ever feel like that? Like you and your bipolar disorder are off alone in your own little corner of the world and nobody knows, and even if they did, they wouldn’t understand?
I was reminded of the expression the other day that “only an alcoholic can understand another alcoholic.” Well, I think it’s the same for us, too. Only someone with bipolar disorder can understand someone else with bipolar disorder.
Sometimes I think no one reads these ramblings of mine. I went back and read my posts from way back in 2005, where I had 45 posts in reply. Now I get 0. It gets discouraging, ya know? I feel so alone.
But I keep going, because the original intent (and still my heart’s hope) is that if I can only help one person out there who is struggling with their bipolar disorder, then I’ve done some good.
And who am I to complain, anyway? Me, with the attitude and advice that, “No matter how bad you’ve got it, someone else has it worse”? Me, the originator of the ultimate positive attitude.
Well, I hate to say it, but I get down, too. I’m not perfect. Sometimes I feel pressured. Sometimes I wonder where this big S on my chest came from. And you know who put it there? I DID! Somewhere I got the idea that I could save the world of bipolar with my witty words and advice and personal experience that other people could relate to. But ya know what?
I’m no superwoman. And advice is just advice. Everyone has their own. All I can do is share my experience, strength, and hope with you and hope that something I say, something from my heart touches something in one of yours, and it helps you to get through one more day. Then I think I’ve done some good.
Because I remember when I was first diagnosed — I felt so, so alone. I felt crazy. Really crazy. Bipolar disorder. Well, at least someone finally gave me a name for my insanity! In a funny way, it actually made me happy. But I still struggled so much. And it didn’t take away my pain just to have a diagnosis, either. I still hurt so badly.
At that time, there wasn’t a blog like this that I could go to where someone shared the ups and downs of living with bipolar disorder. So that’s why I decided to start this one. So please tell me you’re out there. Please tell me I’m not alone.
There are so many people struggling with this disorder. So many people who don’t have others that care about them. Many don’t even have supporters or family who can help them get through this, and I feel so sad for them.
I’ve checked out other blogs, and they’re just like the person’s diary. I don’t like that (oh, gosh, is that a terrible thing to say?). I don’t want to read about someone else’s problems. I want to learn what to do about mine. I mean, I don’t want to sound selfish or anything, but I’ve found out some things since I started this blog. I’ve learned some lessons along the way.
I’ve tried to pass them along to you. I’ve made mistakes, and I’ve tried to keep you from making them. I’ve learned what works and what doesn’t work, and I’ve tried to teach you. I’ve tried to extend my hand and hoped that you’d extend yours in return.
I have the love of God to share, and hoped that you do, too. I miss that. I miss the sharing that we had back then.
I miss how people used to help other people on this blog. There was SO much of that, remember? I talked about it as a family, each person helping the other — I just kind of stood on the sidelines a lot of the time. I mean, a family as big as 45 sometimes? That’s a pretty big family!
But now I wonder where everyone’s gone.
It’s like my grown children. When my boys were little, I used to think, “I can’t wait till they grow up.” Well, now they’re grown up and I hardly ever see them, and I miss them. I wish I could see them more. And I regret my words that I said when they were little. The time went so fast!
So…the moral of the story is… no witty words today. No preaching. No fancy comments. No wise words of advice.
Just words from my heart. I’m lonely here all by myself. I hope you’re out there listening. And I wish you’d talk back. I wish you’d tell me how you’re feeling. And some of the things you’re dealing with. And if they’re the same things I’m dealing with, too. Then maybe we can all talk about them again, like we used to.
Wishing you peace and stability,
Remember God loves you and so do I,
Michele
I'm a bipolar supporter, Michele, not bipolar myself, but I read your blog posts as soon as I see a new one come up. My husband doesn't see any sense in my reading about bipolar, and doesn't want to hear about ideas, suggestions, helpful articles (or blog posts, like yours) I've read. I don't share them with him any more, but I continue for myself. I appreciate your posts, they're kinda like getting supportive, loving emails from a far away friend. Please try not to get discouraged, & remember
God loves you, too!
Thank you, bookworm, for your warm response. I’m glad you keep reading my posts for yourself — hopefully, they help you understand your husband better and why he does the things he does.
Your job is so difficult, and I know it, because my husband has bipolar disorder as well. Sometimes it’s hard for him to live with me!
I hope you do find my posts supportive and loving and as if they’re coming from a friend, because that’s how I mean them to be.
Don’t be afraid of posting just because you’re “only” a supporter. Your input is just as valuable as everyone else’s.
I’m so glad you wrote. Your post was very encouraging to me.
Michele
Hi Michele,
Just wanted to let you know I read (and re-read) all of your blog posts and they have been so helpful and encouraging. I feel like both your messages and David’s have made a difference in my life already, and I believe they will help give me the courage to make some much needed changes soon. So, thank you! What you do here is important and much appreciated so don’t get discouraged or give up.
Keely –
Thank you so much for your post. It’s important for me to know that I’m making a difference (I know that Dave is, he made a difference in mine).
I hope that doesn’t sound conceited, it’s not meant to be. It’s just that I believe in our cause of helping other people with bipolar disorder so much.
It does take courage to make changes, but at least you’re honest enough to admit that you need to make those changes. Too many people are still in denial that they even need to make changes at all! I respect you for that.
Please keep reading, and try to post more, ok? It’s encouraging for me, as well as others who read the blog. I’m sure you can help others, too.
Michele
I’ve just recently been diagnosed as Bipolar…not sure what to do with that knowledge yet. At least it puts a label on my feelings, not that it makes them any less crazy. I just found your blog through David Oliver’s Bipolar Central website. My hope is that I can have time to read through some of your archived blogs and maybe not feel so alone in how I feel….thank you, keep blogging.
Hello Michelle,
I just wanted to confirm that you are not alone! I had been diagnosed with Bipolar over ten years ago. I have only recently accepted the diagnosis in 2006 when I gave God my life. My life has never been better since God chose me!
Tonight I was looking for information for my school research paper and presentation that will be on Bipolar Disorder – when I came across your blog. Very inspiring! I recently watched a spritiual program on television where a woman with AIDS was disclosing her infirmity to help others.
I believe that God allowed me to see this program because he wants me to humble myself and expose my bipolar illness experience to reach out to others to let them know that they are not alone.
My presentation at school this upcoming Thursday will be my first opportunity for this as I had previously been pretty much concerned of how individuals would view me upon finding out about my diagnosis.
A part of my presentatation will mention many familiar individuals who are successful who live with bipolar disorder!
I am a single mom and would love to get married one day and it was encouraging to read that your husband too has bipolar. When I think of getting married one day I often forget about my diagnosis. I have prayed and I believe that whoever God has destined for me to marry will understand me and accept me for who I am – including my imperfections.
I am thankful to say that since 2006 I am living a balanced life and am on the medications that help to keep me this way (of course with the help and grace of God first and foremost)!
I know that this is only through the love and grace of God! I just want to help others to know that if God helped me – he can and will help them too!
Dave and Michelle stay encouraged and be Blessed! I will keep you both in my prayers!
In Christ,
Susan
Hi Michelle,
I don’t know if you’ll read this, according to the dates on your replies, this is almost a year old. I found this blog a few weeks ago, and when I am feeling discouraged or lonely, I like to read different posts. It does my heart good when I come across something I can really relate to.
I am diagnosed with BiP2, I was just hospitalized end of July into mid August. I am still struggling with up and down days, trying to see through the grey fog, crying spells and getting a good night’s sleep.
Just want to thank you so much for this blog. Your advise helps.
Jane
Jane –
It doesn’t matter how old the post is, when there is a response I am notified, so I did indeed read your reply. I’m sorry you’re having such a hard time with your bipolar right now. You said that you read different posts when you’re feeling discouraged or lonely. I hope they help. I can’t fix you with an instant cure, but I can reassure you that you’re not the only one feeling the way you do. It may encourage you to know that even after all this time, I still get up and down days. Stability doesn’t mean perfection. I can tell you that after awhile of stability, the struggle does get easier. When your medication is working right, and you’re doing the things you need to do to keep yourself physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually balanced, your life will improve. I hope things get better for you soon, and don’t hesitate to reply to any of my posts. I do try to answer them all.
Blessings,
Michele
hey iv read plenty off the things uv wrote before ,i was just too shy too post.iv just keep losing track too fined u, i think iv even read some off ur first postu even put u life story which i read also,
Hey Michelle,
I just wanted to encourage you to keep writing! Keep up what you’re doing! and keep that positive attitude. Your heart is huge and I admire you for that. I admire your boldness and courage for writing what you do and just putting yourself out there. Remember, anytime you feel worthless or like your not making a difference, just remember who it is that’s speaking that to you. It is Satan. And he will do anything to keep you from encouraging people and giving them Hope. I want to encourage you right now. I am a bipolar sufferer myself. I’m kind of that sufferer who is in denial and keeps telling myself I don’t have it and then I get tested and yea…… just the same news all over again. I also, have a personal relationship with Jesus Christ and that is the ONLY ONLY ONLY reason I am still sane. I mean people are just in aww when I tell them I am not on meds and haven’t been for 3 years now. Yea…. that’s God. But, anyway my point…. I have been up and down and all over the place for the past 3 years and know that I do need to be on meds or something. And I was just diagnosed again and feeling really alone in this. My fiance doesn’t really understand, his family, my family. Pretty much no one but God and other sufferers. SO, right now in this moment when I cam across your posts, I was extremely comforted. You said in one of your post that you wouldn’t mind just impacting one life. Well, just know that you have impacted my life, just from the outpour of your heart. Thank you for all that you do!!! Keep it up girl! God is smiling on you!!!!! and will heal you in His timing!
God Bless you girl!
Megan
Dearest Megan –
You have no idea how much your comment inspired me. Even though that blog was written awhile back, I still sometimes feel the same way as I did when I wrote it. But you reminded me of why I do this, and how important it is. Thank you for that. And for reminding me that it is God-led and God-inspired. I don’t have any right to NOT do what He has called me to do. So, even if no one responds, I still need to keep posting. I hope you do get stable with your bipolar disorder, and that things fall into place for you. You deserve it. Thank you again for the encouragement to keep writing.
Blessings,
Michele
Hi Michele,
You’re not alone, but I know the feeling. I’ve recently been diagnosed with bipolar disorder, and I am still in the process of seeking treatment etc. As a result of the disorder, I lost my girlfriend, the woman who I loved and wanted to spend the rest of my life with, and my career. I feel so alone and lost, and your blog post has really given me hope that others are going through this too. Does medication make it any better?
Connor,
Remember that you are not alone, either. There are many of us who struggle with bipolar disorder, and have lost much. When I was diagnosed, I was fired from my job. But it has turned out to be a blessing, because it freed me up to do what I’m doing now. re: medications, I’m not a doctor or mental health professional, which is who you should see. But my personal opinion is that yes, medication helps. You just have to be patient with it, tho, as it takes time to find the right “sanity cocktail” for you. It took me 2 yrs. But, because of medication and therapy, I am stable and high-functioning, and have been so for awhile now. I would encourage you to go to a doctor or psychaitrist and see if they can provide you with medication, at least to ease some of the bipolar symptoms. Good luck, and God bless.
Blessings,
Michele
i feel ur pain. But don’t worry always think that God has it’s own purpose. Stay happy mitch. Lot of reason to be happy. Don’t think your alone coz u’ll never be alone wit God.
Hey don’t worry your not alone and I love reading these posts thanks for writing them michelle!
liked Reading your post. shame religion has to come into it though. I agree with rest and agree. bit lost at moment thought meds working think need councilor to bounce off, lean on maybe keep me sane. this blog helped me realise that. thank you
I would like to ask for a different way of dealing with this without seeing a doctor. I am in the military and I don’t think they would understand. I have always thought that I was different. I follow all the rules do what must be done even when others don’t. I am very motivated most of the time and like clockwork I get very depressed. I did this my entire life until one day someone jokingly said I was bipolar. I had never heard of this and looked it up. I could not believe what I was reading. Everything in my past made sense. I thought I alone on this planet. I live on about 3 maybe 4 hours of sleep a night for the past 10 years that I could remember. I must sleep with a TV on cause if I wake the racing thoughts starts. I will plan my life over and over until I get up. I am reading 4 self help books just because I want to help others and can’t wait to finish before I start another. The problem is now that I am aware I want it to stop. I don’t want to go up and down every week or month. I am tired of seeing everything differently than everyone else. I want to blend in. BUT I don’t the motivating thoughts to stop either. I make my living motivating people and many depend on me doing this daily. I have thoughts that will (in my opinion) change the world. If I take any medication will they stop? Will I turn into my wife who I sometimes I think is on autopilot? I envy her sometimes for that and pity her the same. Can anyone help?
I’m a dual diagnosed person…..alcoholic/bipolar…diagnosed in 1995 at the age of 33. I was a gambling addict as well…..and I’ve had to deal with several PTSD issues. Its been hell at times in recovery…..I mean pure mental torture with all the things I’ve had to face. I haven’t had a real job/career since 1994 and I’m grateful for disability, although the money I receive keeps me way below the poverty level. Thank God I have some help from my brother or I would never have made it.
Nobody knows what I have and what I’ve had to deal with…..they’re just
aren’t any people around me that would understand. If I am in a social situation, I tend to get out of the conversation before it turns to “Oh, so what do you do for a living?” What am I supposed to do, Explain my life story of recovery and being on disability for a mental illness? No. Its less stressful to just make up something and move on.
When I was 18 I was involved in a late night accident where a man was killed and a woman severly, severly injured. They had walked out of bar, drunk….walked across the 4 lane street……..and were hit by a car going south. They landed 150 feet right in front of my car as I was driving north….I never saw them because some guy ran out from behind a telephone pole waving his arms and I just missed hitting him at 35mph
by a fraction of an inch. Instead, he caused me to turn my car left abruptly and I ran over the woman and then the man. It was horrific. There is no other word to describe it. I was in shock. But I got on ground and tried to comfort the man…..he was mangled and looking at me. He tried to say something and then he closed his eyes. He died right there.
The woman lived for awhile….but I do not know how because what I witnessed I won’t even share. I lived with this for 30 years and for 15 of those years, there was not enough alcohol in this world to make it go away.
I wake up everyday trying to do the best I can. Its all I can do.
People don’t understand mental illness……so much ignorance out
there. When I was using for over 20 years and being an undiagnosed bipolar person…….I was truly ‘crazy’…..My life was so out of control, yet I was everyone’s friend, the life of the party, the #1 guy at the office getting promoted etc…….but everyone considered me NORMAL.
Ever since recovery I have become truly normal…..a strong, confident, perservering, patient, accepting person. I raised my son sober from age 3 to his age of 17 now and he is nowhere near the type of kid I was.
I was an alcoholic by 14……he’s in the national honor society and so much more.
Yet, I have to hide what I am. Oh, one day I believe I will find a way to open up and share my knowledge and hope…..but the time isn’t here yet.
I had an old friend who was diagnosed with a brain tumor about the same time I was diagnosed with my brain problem.
My close friends gave his family a potluck dinner every night for 2 weeks, and did his yardwork etc. My friends wouldnt associate with me anymore.
I was to be best man in my friends wedding……he told me not to “show my face” at his wedding. I am not exaggerating…..People I hung around on a consistent weekly basis in a group where I was a leader of in many ways….they turned on me. This is the stigma that hurts……but I do know that it was hard for them to see their best buddy lose a battle to alcohol and they were no way ready to face their own alcohol problems……so….it was easier for them to just disappear.
I was never more alone in my life in those first 5 years of recovery.
I’m not sure how I made it.
Michele….thanks for the opportunity to get some things off my chest.
Jake
I have not been diagnosed yet i am scared it might be something worse than bipolar and the though of taking medication is disturbing to me. I dont want to take medication for the rest of my life. I don’t have family and friends that understand what i go through they just make jokes about it, I have completely given up on life and my dreams especially to become a computer technician. I am tired of studying and i feel like if i am not normall at home i wont be normal out there. I feel lost and hopeless. I mine as well just go get diagnosed and call it a day.
I’ve been diagnosed 2x. Once about 20 y.s ago, but I wasn’t ready to listen, so I “self-medicated” for all those years, and then about a year and 1/2 ago after a “breakdown”. I just pumped in that i was Bi Polar 2 and done. And that is how I got to your blog. It may give me another day to hang onto. Days like today are awful, I’m angry, sad, lonely, tired, just can’t see the light at the end of this very long tunnel, and that’s ON med’s! So, unfortunately, or not, it nice to see someone else who has those feelings too. The loneliness is the worst, I think, some of it is the disease and some is now self-imposed, but that is the part that I think will get me in the end. Thank you for my hope for today.
Hi,
I lived with 3 men in my life every one started off nice and then as they realised my illness they started to bully me for money. As they realised I couldn’t stand raised voices they started shouting. Realised I didn’t want my children hurt, they hurt them. I left. Is there a book they follow because it was always the same. I have always felt like I needed someone but in the last 3 years I have found I don’t. I now live a very happy, blessed life alone in most peoples eyes but fulfilled with 2 dogs and 2 parrots. I love them all recovered now from alcohol and drug addiction and happy and safe. I will grow old without a man I will thank God for that blessing. It took Dogs and parrots to show me that the world isn’t an evil place.
I have manic-depressive bipolar too disorder and it truly is a horrible disorder! Euphorically happy, impulsive, too talkative, moody/angry, racing thoughts, depressed, overly confident, like super woman!! Often times I feel really alone, as if I’m the only one suffering from it! Lamictal only does so much, without the bothersome side effects (weight gain, hair thinning, etc.).
With Abillify, I’m scared to death to even try one, without the fear of possible diabetes!! Knowing there are support groups, are very encouraging and help lift my self-esteem.