Hey, y’all–
For those who are new to my blog, you may not know that my sister, who also had bipolar disorder, went off her meds and killed herself last April. I am still having a hard time about this, because she was my best friend and “the twin of my heart.” I still miss her so much, and am still having a hard time with, as someone told me, “getting over it.” I know about the 5 stages in the grief cycle. Problem is, no one can tell you how long it will take you to get through those five stages. It’s different for everyone.
The first stage in the grief cycle is anger. Oh, yeah, I’ve been through that, all right! (still go through it). Mad at her for doing that to me, leaving me alone, etc. Mad that I don’t know WHY she did it. Mad at God for letting it happen, etc. And then, past the anger, is always the depression, because I feel the loss so deeply, it’s like someone stuck a knife in my heart. I feel like telling that person who said I just “need to get over it” to tell me that when they have lost someone they loved as much as I loved my sister!
Sometimes it’s better than other times, just like all of us with BP–sometimes the mood swings are better than other times. Still, they seem to be there. Well, of course they are! We have a disorder that involves mood swings! With the right treatment, including the right medication, the disorder can be managed, and we can live a relatively normal life, but that doesn’t mean we are ever “cured.” Some days are better than other days. And for us, that’s good. We learn to enjoy the good days, and just get through the bad days.
For those of us with BP, depression is something we have learned to live with. But coupled with grief, however, it can kinda blow us over like a palm tree in a Florida hurricane. So is there any encouragement we can find in that kind of situation? May be a small thing, but in light of everything I’ve said, I want to share with you something from one of my readings this morning that a woman wrote after the death of her son:
“I realize how lucky I am, not to have lost my son, but to have had him for as long as I did. I’m lucky to have known the importance of certain moments that catch your soul and may never come again.”
For those of us with BP, there are some things we cannot control, like the fact that we will never be “cured” from this disorder. But there are some things we can control, and one of those things is our attitude towards our disorder and towards life, loss included. We can decide to take control of our BP, and not let it control us. We can have a positive and grateful attitude toward life, accepting that although we will still have depression at times, those times will pass, and will not rule our lives as they did before–that we can overcome depression, or at least learn how to manage it.
And we can accept that loss is a natural part of life, and the way we receive that loss will determine how hard it is on us–thinking about the quote above may help with that. Having a positive attitude in life, in general, will help in all the areas with which we struggle. Medication and therapy can only go so far. The rest is up to us.
Love,
Michele
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Michele,
First I want to say that you are doing a great job of expressing your feelings of loss and Identifying the struggles of your pain. Loosing a loved one from such a tragic means is one of the hardest hurdels to overcome. By takling about found memories may bring you sadness, but can also bring comfort.
My husband was bipolar and took his own life when our son was three, at first I was in shock, devastated, angry, I had to start my life over. During the loss of my husband was during that same year I lost my grandfater to cancer. I know your grief.
My son is also bipolar and the struggles I went through to keep him alive and well were hard and we work our lives one moment at time, while trying not to focus on the negative. It has taken many years for my son to accept the fact that even though his father loved him, his father succomed to his disoder and like you said with proper meds and therapy you can lead a successful. We can’t change the past only our future.
For myself I had to work hard past my grief, I found writing to be a great outlet for my thoughts and emotions as well as drawing. I have a few poems I dedicated to my departed husband and was able to move on. My son whom is in a treamemnt center too is working past his anger and is now realizing he can’t change the fact his father is gone, but as a team we can change the way people look at bipolar disorder. It is a fight we all must overcome but can win if we contine to strive each knowing our lives can be productive as long as we accept what we can not change, but change our way of thinking and love the person for who they were, and not how they hurt us. I know you loved your sister uncondtionaly, she didnt have the tools to keep her going and you do. Keep expressing yourself and do the best you can each day, we are all human with our own little quirks, but with those quirks in the end we can make a difference.
Sorry for the long comment, just wanted to say that you bring alot of help to those who feel isolated and think the same thoughts, which bring comfort to those who need to know they are not alone. I am glad you are able to continue to bring wisdon and feeling to others lives who need to know it is okay to be human. Bipolar is a disorder not away of life and I am glad you are able to express that to other.
Take care and stay strong.
Stacey–
Thank you for commenting. I can relate to so much of what you said, especially “Love the person for who they were and not how they hurt us.” Only someone who has lost a close one to suicide can really understand that, so thank you.
I also really liked what you said at the end about how “BP is a disorder, not a way of life.” I think I’ll steal that quote from you and use it myself!
Anyway, good to hear from you, and hope you’re doing well yourself.
Love you,
Michele