Bipolar Survivor

Everyone is passionate about something.  Or at least they should be.  It’s part of what keeps the excitement in your life.  It keeps you heading toward your goals.  It gives you determination.  It is part of the makeup of your character.

I am passionate about helping people.  Whether it is my writing or my speaking (one-on-one or groups), as long as I am helping at least one person, it helps to keep me passionate. 

I’m sure you have read it in my blog – in my last one I was passionate about my sister and her suicide, and about people with bipolar disorder going off their medications (don’t!).  So suicide is something else I’m passionate about. 

I want everyone to hold strongly onto their lives, no matter what they’re going through.  So I try to help people through what they’re going through.

There’s no disputing that I had a bad past.  But I am passionate about using that past to help others.  I believe that I went through what I did for a reason, and that reason is so I can help people. 

Otherwise it was just a lot of wasted agony and suffering.  But if just one person can benefit from my pain and suffering, then it was worth it.

It’s kind of hard, having helping people to be what you’re passionate about, because by its nature, bipolar disorder can be a very selfish disorder – it tries to keep you thinking only about yourself.

Like I had said in my last post, if you think about suicide, you are only thinking about your own pain, and not the pain you would cause those you’d leave behind if you did kill yourself.

A bipolar depression is another example – sometimes the depression brings you to self-pity, making it last even longer.  At those times, it’s hard to even listen to the encouragement of others through the ears of self-pity.

So what are YOU passionate about?  Your job?  Your hobbies?  Your volunteer work?  People?  Your family?  Your hopes and dreams?  Your education?  Your future?  Your relationship?  A cause?

I am also passionate about the cause of mental illness.  I am involved with NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness) and their program called In Your Own Voice, where you go to venues and tell your story of mental illness and recovery. 

I am also a trainer in this program, training other presenters on how to tell their stories.  I am truly passionate about this, because it helps to de-stigmatize mental illness and give people hope about recovery from it.

I am all about giving people, especially people with bipolar disorder and other disorders, hope and encouragement that things won’t always be this way if they are struggling.  I want them to know that if I can recover, so can they – that if I could reach stability, then it is a possibility for them as well.

Too many people with bipolar live isolated lives, with a negative outlook on their future – they have no hope that things will get better for them, but I am passionate about letting them know that things CAN get better, even if you have bipolar disorder. 

I am a good example.  By all rights, I should have been one of those “throwaway” cases, with no hope for stability, much less recovery.  But look at me now!  I was passionate about becoming an author, and I have achieved that dream for one example. 

I was passionate about re-establishing relationships with my children, and I have achieved that dream.  I have been passionate about several things and have achieved those dreams as well.

If you know what you are passionate about, you have a direction to your life.  I hope you have that direction.  But if you don’t, I encourage you today to think about this topic.  What ARE you passionate about? 

If you don’t know, come up with something, and throw yourself into it.  It will make a difference in your life, believe me!  And possibly in other people’s lives as well!

Be passionate!

Wishing you peace and stability,

Remember God loves you and so do I,

Michele

I was communicating with someone yesterday and she brought up my sister Debi, which started me thinking about her again.  I mean, I think about her alot, but not like I used to – every day, and of course the tears would come.  I never thought I would get over her suicide.

In case you are a new reader, my sister Deb was only in her forties when she went off her  bipolar medication, got a gun (on impulse), and killed herself.  It was all out of the blue.  No suicide note.  No hints.  No indications.  No threats.  No prior attempts.  No nothing.  Just one day she was here and the next day she wasn’t.

It tore me to the core.  I felt like I had died with her.  It took over FIVE years before I could talk or write about her without crying.  I still do sometimes, especially if it’s been awhile, or it’s her birthday or deathday (I celebrate both).  Or today.

I’m ok with older people dying, because I feel like they’ve lived out their lives, but I am not ok with my sister dying.  She was too young.  She had so much still to do.  But the worst of  all – we never got to say goodbye.  Yes, I’d say that was the worst of all.

God, how I miss her.  In all the literature on bipolar disorder, you read about the statistics on people with bipolar committing suicide (1 in 5), you read about the reasons they might do it, you can read all about suicide, but never does it actually prepare you for it happening in your family.  Never.

Never does any of the books or literature tell you how very painful it will be when you lose a loved one to this disorder.  The pain is just indescribable.  Unbearable at first.  You can’t breathe.  You feel like you can’t go on.  When I was told the news (over the phone), I felt like I was punched in the stomach and all the air was sucked out of me.  All I could say was, “No, no, no.”  Even today that pain is as palpable as it was then.

It shouldn’t have happened.  It never would have happened if Debi had stayed on her bipolar medication.  This woman was the very definition of verve, of life.  Just being around her would lift your spirits!  You felt better just having her in your life.  There are some people who enrich your life just by being a part of it, and Debi was that kind of person.  She is terribly missed, by more than just me.

So if you are struggling right now, seeing suicide as a viable option to your problems, think again.  Stop thinking of yourself and your own pain and suffering and think about the pain and suffering you will cause those you will leave behind, because it will be enormous, more than you could imagine.  We still mourn my sister’s death, and it’s been 6 years since she killed herself.  Someone said you eventually get over it, but I don’t think I ever will.  I loved her that much.  You are loved that much.

Wishing you peace and stability,

Remember God loves you and so do I,

Michele

Ok, I admit it.   I have no motivation to do anything today.  Blame it on the bipolar disorder, but I do get days like this, days when I’d rather just veg in front of the TV all day and do nothing productive at all.

Gosh, it’s frustrating.  I’ve written so many blogs and articles on being productive if you have bipolar disorder, and here I am not wanting to do anything, completely opposite of what I’ve written.

Then again, what I’ve written was to encourage other people with bipolar.  Maybe I should read my own stuff to encourage myself! lol 

Seriously, these days do happen to us here and there, and it’s ok.  We don’t have to beat ourselves up over it.  We just do the best we can. 

For example, I had work to do today.  I can’t say it was some of my most inspiring work, but I got it done.  I did the minimum of what I had to do, but at least I did it.  I had to push myself to do it, because I really didn’t feel like it, ‘cuz like I said, the motivation just wasn’t there.

But the point is, at least I did it.  There have been other days like this, when I’ve had to push myself to do things.  I’ve found that when there is no motivation to do things, it takes a little push, but I can still accomplish things anyway.

When I do this, this push and accomplish thing, I find that I feel better about myself.  There’s usually a big “whew” at the end of it, and I have to confess that I don’t feel any more motivated than when I started, but there is a sense of accomplishment.  That “at least I got something done.”

At least it’s not always like this anymore.  During my depressed days, every day was like this.  I couldn’t even get out of bed, much less accomplish anything.  Talk about your lack of motivation!

But to think that I’ll never have another day like that again I think is unrealistic.  It’s going to happen.  It’s what you do with it that counts.  Each of us has our own coping mechanisms. 

I use that “push and accomplish” idea.  I may not get a whole lot done, but I try to get something done, at least, just so the day’s not a total waste.

At least it keeps me from getting depressed like I used to get.  What do you use on days like this?  Do you have coping mechanisms too?

Remember God loves you and so do I,

Michele

Sorry, can’t help it – I am rejoicing all over the place!  Bipolar disorder?  Who cares?  My husband is back home from the hospital!  We haven’t been together in a whole month, so forgive me if I’m over the hill happy!

You know, we went through so much with this accident happening, plus it happening in the middle of a major move across the country, which I had to make without him, leaving him behind in the hospital.  It was harrowing.

Both of our bipolar disorders were tested harshly and strongly, but we made it without an episode for either of us.  I know, amazing, huh?  It was really tough at times, but we made it.

How did we do it?  We just stuck to the basics:  Stay balanced, stick to a good sleep schedule, eat right, try to exercise (not just stress movement), and of course (top priority of all) no matter what, take our medication religiously.  Nothing could stop us from doing that.  It is crucial to any good treatment plan, no matter what else is going on in your life.

Even though my husband was all broken up (literally) in the hospital for all those weeks, he still made sure that they gave him his bipolar medications.  He took care of himself and his disorder as best he could.  It kept him from going into an episode on top of everything else.  I so respect him for that.

I did the same thing.  Even though I was trying to pull off the impossible move by myself, I still stuck to my medication regime, and thus avoided my own bipolar episode (on top of everything else).  Thank God!  Can you imagine?

So now he is discharged from the rehab facility and down here in Florida with me in our new home (I got everything unpacked and in its place before he arrived), and we’re together again, ready to begin our next adventure.  Hopefully it will be a little less eventful than this one was!

Although I do have to agree now with the saying, “Anything that doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.”  I do feel stronger for what I have endured the past month, and I believe my husband agrees with me.

If you are facing what seems to be an impossible situation right now, and you’re worried that you won’t make it through it… think about me and my husband and what we’ve just been through.  And without a bipolar episode for either of us!

Remember to stick to the basics.  Take care of yourself and your disorder.  And try to have a positive attitude, as hard as that is to do sometimes.  Believe that you will get through it no matter how impossible that may seem, and you will! 

There were nights that I cried myself to sleep thinking I couldn’t take even one more day of it, but I did, and I not only survived, I succeeded, and you will too!  I believe in you!

Wishing you peace and stability,

Remember God loves you and so do I,

Michele

I’ve learned a lot from my husband.  I think I took him for granted, and it took this crisis to see him for what he is really made up of.  He is not just my husband, but another person with bipolar disorder, and I don’t think I was giving him enough credit for what he was handling all at once, and succeeding at.

I was having to handle alot, too, and I think my vision got too narrowed because of it.  So much so that I lost sight of what it would be like to be in a major car accident (hit a telephone pole head-on), have the jaws of life used on me to get me out, be flown by helicopter to the hospital…

Be operated on for a crushed left leg and right arm, be unable to walk, stay for 2 weeks in the hospital and be put on such strong painkillers that I’d forget half of what happened.

Then to be transferred to a rehabilitation hospital where I’d receive tons of physical therapy and occupational therapy every day to try to be able to put any weight on that leg at all, much less ever walk again.

And through all this, to still manage my bipolar disorder and not go into an episode.  That’s incredible, isn’t it?  That’s perseverance.

See, my husband has incentive.  He has a goal in mind.  Before this happened, we were planning on moving to Florida, were packed and ready to go, and were just waiting for the last week to pass to leave.  Then the accident happened, and I had to move without him, leaving him in the hospital in TN, to follow me when he could.

It’s been 3 weeks.  I should say it’s ONLY been 3 weeks.  Because of my husband’s perseverance, he has met and exceeded the goals that the rehab hospital had for him, and they are releasing him to fly to FL this Thursday, home to me.

People talk about how bipolar disorder holds them back.  But this is a case of a strong man who did not let not only his bipolar disorder, but a major car accident, too, hold him back from being reunited with his wife.  This is the stuff that inspiration is made of.

The next time you are feeling like you’re losing your battle in the war against your bipolar, think about Bill and his story, his perseverance.  You can do it, too.  Just don’t give up the fight.  Keep your incentive.  Keep your goals in mind.  Then you, too, can succeed.

Wishing you peace and stability,

Remember God loves you and so do I,

Michele

You know, God never promised that we wouldn’t have adversity in this life.  In fact, in the Bible, He said that we WOULD have it.  But He also promised that we could overcome it (with His  help, of course).  All we are expected to do is whatever we can, if we have bipolar disorder or not.

I can see that in my husband.  He is in a rehabilitation facility, and they are working him hard, especially his crushed left leg.  He can move it, but there’s no way he can stand on it.

It’s hard to be enthusiastic when you’re in a situation like his, especially when you have bipolar, because you could so easily slip into depression, but his spirits are good.  He encourages me by how hard he is trying to get better. (And here I thought I’d be the one encouraging him!)

Bill is the perfect example of “do whatever you can” when you’re in a situation you can’t control.  If you can’t do a lot, or you can’t solve the whole problem right now, just do whatever you can. 

Bill can’t walk yet, but he can try to build up the strength in that leg through physical therapy, and he can keep a positive attitude.

I look at his situation and think, “And I thought I had problems?”  My problems are nothing compared to his.  My life is easy compared to his right now.  He is my inspiration these days.

I thought I was struggling, then I look at what my husband is having to go through with a basically crushed left leg and right arm, and having to learn basic things all over again, using just his good leg and good arm and the help of a walker.  He has so much courage.

So if you are going through adversity right now, think about Bill, and what he is going through.  Think about how he is “doing whatever he can” and making the best of his situation – how he is not letting it get him down. 

Think about how he is not giving up in the face of adversity, but about how it is just making him try that much harder.  I am so proud of him.  And so inspired by him.  Aren’t you?

Wishing you peace and stability,

Remember God loves you and so do I,

Michele

Well, my husband is coming along – he can at least hobble on his right foot, although nothing on his left leg.  But his spirits are good, and that is what is important, as he also has to watch his own bipolar disorder and keep that in check so that he doesn’t lose his own stability through all this.  I am so proud of his progress and staying strong.

Meantime, I have made the move to Florida, am in the new apartment and surrounded by boxes and crates and such. I will just have to do it a little at a time, as I can – I can’t push myself.  The best I can say is that I’m trying to make the best of a bad situation.

Thank God for my parents.  They have been a Godsend to me.  Whenever I start to feel stressed out, they have a way of relaxing me, of reminding me of who I am and all that I’ve come through (worse than this) and made it ok.  They are a  crucial part of my support system, and boy do they do their jobs well!

You know, I used to hear the expression, “Make the best of a bad situation” and roll my eyes, thinking of it as a cliche that had nothing to do with me.  Today I am living that cliche and working very hard at it, doing my best to make it work for me.  And I’m finding that it can work, but it’s not easy.  You have to put your “all” into it.

Mostly, I’m finding, you have to stay positive.  I don’t know how I’d have pulled any of this (leaving my husband in the hospital in TN, making the move to FL on my own, etc.) off any other way than having stayed positive.  Oh yeah, and praying alot too! LOL

But I’m here to say that it can be done.  If I could do what I’ve just done, and having bipolar disorder, then you can make the best out of your bad situation, too.  Just take heart, be strong, pray alot, and just do it!

Wishing you peace and stability,

Remember God loves you and so do I,

Michele

My husband was in a car accident this past weekend, totalling the car and nearly himself.  I haven’t been able to go to the hospital to see him, because I have no transportation now, so I am relying on phone calls with the nurses to find out how he is doing.  Needless to say, I am worried about him.

I don’t know how I’m handling all this.  Seriously, if it weren’t for the Lord, I don’t think I could handle it at all.  But I do know one thing – I have to still keep my priorities right, or I’ll end up in a bipolar episode, and I don’t need that on top of everything else.

So I’m making sure that I still take my medications, sleep right, and I’m trying to eat, even though I have no appetite.  I just keep thinking that I have to keep my bipolar disorder priorities in check, to take care of myself while the hospital takes care of my husband.

Sometimes adversities come upon us, and we don’t know why.  They just happen, usually out of nowhere.  We don’t ask for them, we don’t deserve them.  But they happen nonetheless.  But we still have choices in how we handle them.

We can come from a place of strength (no matter how weak we feel), or we can fall apart, and then we just make the situation worse.  We need to remember our bipolar priorities.

Remembering our bipolar priorities means that we take care of ourselves (and our bipolar disorder) first.  We make sure to take our medication, get enough sleep, and eat right. 

We also try not to isolate, because that can lead to depression, and depression to a bipolar depressive episode, and we do not want that (that’s what we’re trying to avoid, in fact).

So, in spite of what’s happening with my husband, I have to focus on myself.  Some people might think that is selfish, but if you look at it in terms of bipolar priorities, you can see that it isn’t – it is simply trying to avoid a bipolar episode, which would make everything worse.

I know that my husband is being well taken care of in the hospital.  His needs are being met, including his bipolar needs (they are giving him his bipolar meds, etc.).  So who is going to see that my needs are met if I don’t?  This is something that I have to do for myself, since my husband was my primary supporter.

I have other supporters, like my family, but they are long distance, and I have to depend on their support over the phone (which I am doing on a daily basis). 

I am the only support I have here at hand now.  So I do what I have to do to stay stable.  Like I said, I take my bipolar meds, get enough sleep, and try to eat right.

If you have come upon adversity (or it has visited you), take my advice.  Keep doing the things you need to do to stay stable.  Take care of yourself like I’m doing – take your meds, get enough sleep, and eat right. 

You’ve got to keep your bipolar disorder under control, even under the worst of situations.  Keep your bipolar priorities where they belong and you will stay stable.

Wishing you peace and stability,

Remember God loves you and so do I,

Michele

I read an article recently that stated that there is no scientific proof that bipolar disorder is caused by a chemical imbalance in the brain.  Well, knock me over with a feather!

A chemical imbalance in the brain is the best explanation I have found for my bipolar disorder, and the one that I use to explain it to others, and the one easiest for them to understand.

It really doesn’t bother me that the scientists don’t have proof for it, because I usually find that unless the drug manufacturers are involved (big money), people are hard pressed to push for a scientific backing for any explanation of anything!  Sorry, just my opinion.

But really, show me another explanation then.  One that makes sense.  Because a chemical imbalance makes the most sense to me, scientific backing or not.

And another thing – again, scientific backing or not – if it’s not a chemical imbalance, then why does the medication work so good on it for me (and so many others)?

I am a firm proponent for the “If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it” philosophy of life. 

If the idea of a chemical imbalance as an explanation for bipolar disorder works, why not use it?  What do I care whether there is “scientific proof” or not?  Just because there haven’t been a gazillion studies done on the theory does NOT mean it isn’t true!

I am living proof that the theory is true, and the fact that the medications I take to “fix” the chemical imbalance in my brain WORK is also proof that the theory is true.  If there were a study to prove the theory, I would be first in line to help prove it.  Nuff said.

Wishing you peace and stability,

Remember God loves you and so do I,

Michele

I know firsthand how difficult this is to do, but it is still crucial to keep the bipolar balance when dealing with bipolar disorder.  In other words, we can get excited, but we can’t get TOO excited.  We can get sad, but not TOO sad. 

If we go to the extreme either way, we can end up in a bipolar episode, and that’s a bad place to be for us, as all of us have experienced.

It’s best to avoid extremes in life anyway – any extremes.  We should all be maintaining balance, as that is the best way to keep a healthy lifestyle – mentally, emotionally, physically, and spiritually.

If you go to the extreme mentally, you will probably end up with a migraine from extending your mind too far and for too long.  If you’ve seen the movie A Beautiful Mind, you’ve seen a good example of going to the extreme mentally.

If you go to the extreme emotionally, well, in our case, you can end up at the very least with some heavy duty stress and anxiety, and at the most with a bipolar episode from the emotional overload, or mood swings that come with the extreme emotions.

If you go to the extreme physically, the least that will happen is that you will experience muscle fatigue – but the worst that can happen is that you can do real damage to those muscles – strains, pulls, or even tears, much less a complete breakdown if we’re talking real extremes here.

If you go to the extreme spiritually, well, we’ve all heard the term “religious fanatic.”  You need a healthy balance even spiritually so as not to go too far as to lose sight of reality. 

Some people with mental illnesses that involve psychoses such as delusions or hallucinations, like schizophrenia and bipolar disorder, have even been known to imagine themselves as Jesus Christ or God or an angel (or some other deity), or to believe other religous false beliefs, or to hear “angels” or “demons” speaking to them.

In all these areas, it’s important to have balance, so you can stay rational, and not to get out of control.  The more you are in control of your thoughts and feelings, the less chance you have of going into a bipolar episode.

It is so important, when you’re living with and coping with bipolar disorder to stay rational in the area of your thoughts and feelings.  The way to do this is to maintain a healthy balance in all the areas I just talked about.

If you do that, you can attain and maintain stability in your life.  And stability is the greatest part of recovery for anyone who has bipolar disorder.

You’ll feel better as well.  If you are balanced, there will be a definite reduction in stress in your life.  Your anxiety will be lower.  Even your blood pressure will be less.  And those migraines I talked about with extremes in mental stress?  They could even vanish!

There are many benefits to having a healthy, balanced lifestyle.  You will feel better mentally, emotionally, physically, and spiritually.  You will not only have less stress and anxiety in your life, but you will have less bipolar episodes that are triggered by that stress and anxiety as well, which will lead to longer periods of normalcy for you.

Only you can bring more balance to your life.  If it can’t be balanced right now, at least work toward making it more balanced, a little at a time, until such time as it will be a balanced life, as that is important.  You need a balanced life if you want stability in it.

Wishing you peace and stability,

Remember God loves you and so do I,

Michele