Bipolar Survivor

How often do we take things for granted?  Just go along, not even thinking, or remembering how bad things used to be, in light of how good things are now?

Here’s what I’m talking about:  I remember how bad things used to be when, undiagnosed and unmedicated, I would jump from bipolar episode to episode.  My life was completely unmanageable.  I was completely out of control, not even realizing it half the time.

I was not only hurting myself, but I was hurting other people as well – pushing away friends and family, and anyone that cared about me was at arm’s length, afraid to approach me for fear of what “mood” I would be in, for fear of my lashing out at them at my worst, and unpredictable at my best.

No, things were not good at all, for a long time.  In my episodes, I exhibited many risk taking and impulsive behaviors, many with dire consequences.  It is only by God’s grace that I never landed in jail or had  legal problems, as I know many people with bipolar disorder do.  But I did do crazy things (like getting married whenever I went into a manic episode, times 4 LOL).

Funny to look back on all that now, though, as I’ve enjoyed stability for so long.  And I do mean enjoyed.  Sometimes to the point of taking it for granted, as I’m thinking about today, though.  Which brings me to today’s topic:  Being Grateful.  I think we should never stop being grateful for each and every day that we don’t have an episode, don’t you?  Especially in light of how bad things were when we did.

Think about it, and compare your life when you were struggling and having episodes all the time to where you are now, and be grateful.  If you have days without episodes, be grateful!  Thank God you’re not where you were.  Thank God you’re not struggling any more.  Thank God you’re not experiencing that hell any more.  Thank God you’re seeing light at the end of the tunnel and experiencing peace and happiness.

If you are still struggling, however, let me offer some encouragement.  It does get better.  Just give it time.  I know that may not seem like much if you’re still experiencing episodes, but take heart from my experiences and those of others who are now in recovery from bipolar disorder – it can happen just as well for you.  Medication, the proper medication (and if yours is not working for you, see your doctor for an adjustment or change in it), can really help balance those unpredictable mood swings that interfere with your stability.  Get on a good regimen and you too can see the light at the end of the tunnel.  And be grateful for every day that you don’t have a bipolar episode.  Those days may be few and far between for you right now, but hang in there – they will get better.  Look at me – there was a time when I wouldn’t have believed it either, but it did happen over time.  It just took time and being consistent and never giving up hope for stability.

Wishing you peace and stability,

Remember God loves you and so do I,

Michele

I know a woman with bipolar disorder who just can’t let things be.  I mean, she picks at things like a scab, not letting the wound heal like it should, making things worse than they should be.  I think this just keeps her sick, to tell you the truth.

But I remember when I was this way, so I certainly can’t judge her.  I just couldn’t leave things alone.  Like things in my past – I just kept bringing them up.

I know the past makes you who you are today, but some of us have some pretty bad pasts, and we need to let go of them.  It’s ok to visit the past if you need to, but dwelling in the past can only get you into trouble.  Especially if you have bipolar disorder, as it can lead to depression, and depression to a bipolar depressive episode.  I know, because I’ve been there, too many times to count.

You can control this, though.  You can choose NOT to pick at the scab, like this woman does and like I used to.  If thoughts of the past, or of dangerous places you don’t need to go (in your thoughts) come up, just let them go.

How can you do this?  By changing your thoughts.  I know this may sound “easier said than done,” but believe me, it can be done, and it must be done if you’re gonna save yourself alot of heartache and some pretty bad bipolar episodes, if you’re ever gonna get better.

So, how to change your thoughts… I have a friend who’s a psychologist.  And he taught me that when my racing thoughts, or negative thoughts, won’t stop, I should just keep repeating the word “nothing” to myself, over and over again until it sort of “washes” away the unwanted thoughts.  Believe me, it works.

Another suggestion would be to use positive affirmations.  These work, too.  Especially if you’re working on some particular area you want to change.  Like having negative thoughts.  So, say you do want to have positive thoughts, but negative thoughts keep popping up from your past.  Every time they do, you could say something to yourself such as, “The past is over with. I will live in the present.”  This works as well.

You can be in control of your thoughts as well as your actions.  Like this woman I was telling you about, who wouldn’t let things be.  She not only wouldn’t let things be, but she would tell them to anyone who would listen!  Thus ruining their day as well.  Now, this isn’t fair to anyone else either, is it? 

So think about other people, like your loved ones, or the person you’re in a relationship with, when you think about your past, or the things you won’t let be.  They don’t want you to be a  negative person, or to live in the past.  They want you to be happy and successful in the present.  And you can be!  Even if it means changing your thoughts.

Wishing you peace and stability,

Remember God loves you and so do I,

Michele

Sometimes it’s ok to “just go along” for awhile… nothing really happening… nothing new, nothing exciting, nothing really changing.  That’s better than the fake excitement of a bipolar manic episode, to be sure!

I talk to my mom every day.  She has bipolar disorder, too.  So we are kind of each other’s support system, and it helps to keep each other stable.  But every day she asks me what’s new, and every day I pretty much say, “Nothing.” 

I guess it’s good that nothing ever really changes with me, because it goes to show that  I’m stable with my bipolar disorder. 

I’d rather have things be the way they are now, with things going along just fine, then to have them the way they used to be…

Used to be that everything was a crisis, with the ups and downs and mood swings that bipolar just naturally brings into your life.  It was horrible – I couldn’t be stabilized to save my life.

It took years and more medications than I can count to finally get me stabilized to the point where I am now so that I can say that I am just going along fine, with no ups and downs and no crises any more.

Now, don’t get me wrong.  That isn’t to say that I will never have another episode ever again in my life.  But the saying goes, “If I keep doing what  I’m doing, I’ll keep getting what I’m getting.”

In other words, if I keep taking my medications like I do every day, and keep seeing my psychiatrist regularly, as well as keeping my life relatively stress-free, then I should be able to expect to keep “just going along”.

Wishing you peace and stability,

Remember God loves you and so do I,

Michele

Have you let bipolar disorder get you down?  Have you let it make you feel like you are “less than”?  Many people feel this way, just because they have a disorder, or a mental illness.  This could be because they “buy into” what they believe other people think about them.  Is this you?

You need to stay strong in your confidence.  Bipolar doesn’t make you any different than anyone else.  You are a normal person with a chemical disorder which you are learning to manage.  That takes a lot of courage and a lot of confidence.  And you need to stay strong in that confidence.

Most people don’t understand bipolar disorder.  They don’t understand mental illness at all, therefore they probably don’t understand you.  That’s a pretty lonely place to be.  How can you stand strong in the face of this?  Be confident.  Think about your positive attributes.  You have a serious disorder, yet you are handling it.  Most people couldn’t do that.

Another way is to keep your eyes on the future – on your recovery.  That’s how you can get stable.  (By believing you will be stable one of these days.)  That will give you strength in your confidence.

Stay positive, and believe in yourself.  You can do this!  You can stand against bipolar disorder and you can beat it!  It will not beat you, but you will beat it instead, just keep believing that.

Keep making good decisions.  This will keep you confident.  This will keep you strong.  And even more as each day goes by.

If you do these things, you will grow stronger in your confidence and in these other areas as well.

Wishing you peace and stability,

Remember God loves you and so do I,

Michele

Yes, I know it’s hard to live with bipolar disorder.  I, too, live with it (suffer from it).  There are good days, and there are bad days.  But I get through them the best that I can.  The point is, I get through them.

There were times that I wondered if I was even going to get through the day, and other times when I didn’t even want to, I was so depressed.  So sometimes a good day was just getting off the couch.

These days things are so much better than that.  My secret?  I live one day at a time.  And I have no great expectations of my bipolar disorder.  Some days I still just expect to get through the day… and other days are still good days.  But I take them as they come.  It helps to have no expectations.

To take things more than one day at a time is too overwhelming for me.  Yes, still.  It is simpler and more peaceful for me to live one day at a time.  I can handle things better that way.

I can track things easier on a daily basis as well.  I can see if there is a pattern developing – if I seem to be going into a bipolar episode or not, so that I can head it off at the pass.

I don’t expect my life to be perfect.  And I don’t expect to never have another episode.  So I watch for them.  I still watch myself closely.  But I don’t ruin every day by expecting to have an episode that day.  I expect to have a good day unless told otherwise.

Things are much better that way.

Wishing you peace and stability,

Remember God loves you and so do I,

Michele

Are you one of those people who takes care of everyone else before you take care of yourself?  Feeling a little burned out lately?  That could be why.  You need to take care of yourself.

Maybe no one has ever told you that before, but you are the most important person in your life.  If you don’t take care of yourself, who else is going to take care of you?  Then what’s going to happen if you get sick or go into an episode?

One of the biggest parts of the management of bipolar disorder for us is self-care.  There are just certain things we have to do to take care of ourselves that other people can’t or shouldn’t do for us that we should do for ourselves.

For example, and I know this is simplifying it, but grooming falls into that category.  We should also be responsible for ourselves and our own actions and decisions (and the consequences of them).  One way we can do that is to take our medications every day without fail and without prompting.

It’s also important to go to all our appointments as scheduled and, again, without prompting.  We need to be responsible, and act like the adults that we are.  It is this type of thing that will help us become stable and high-functioning.

Yes, we have bipolar disorder, but we don’t have to let the disorder rule our lives.  We can take care of ourselves.  We can do things that will help us become better over time.

Wishing you peace and stability,

Remember God loves you and so do I,

Michele

Have you ever had one of those weeks where you feel “crazy?”  Where the days go up and down and you know you’re ok but you feel out of control anyway?

That’s how I feel today.  I know everything’s ok, at least I tell myself that it is, but I still feel “off.”

So what do I do?

I check myself.  I check the things I know I’m supposed to do to manage my bipolar disorder.

Medications?  Yep.  Took them this morning.  Took them yesterday and will take them tomorrow too.

Treatment?  Well, I went to the psychiatrist yesterday for my regular appointment.  She took me off one of my medications and wrote prescriptions for the rest.  Otherwise, status quo. 

We talked a little bit about how things are going and how I feel.  Actually, not very good, to tell the truth.  She is leaving, and I’m going to have to have another doctor.  Just when I was getting used to this one!

That’s the problem with treatment centers like the one I go too – there is quite a bit of turnover.  But some treatment is better than no treatment, at least.  It keeps me stable.

Support – well, my main supporter is my husband (who has bipolar disorder himself), and since his car accident, I’m having to be his caretaker, so things have not been fun in that department.

At least I have my mom for support.  She is also a part of my bipolar support system, and I talk to her every day.  I don’t know what I’d do if I didn’t have her to talk to.

My diet?  Well, does fast food count?  Nah, just kidding.  Pizza once in awhile, but basically I’m still trying to eat a healthy diet, especially when I feel stressed.

I’m not exercising (bad me).  It’s always been hard for me to get into an exercise routine.  Ok, no excuses.  I’m lazy, ok?

Sleep is ok.  I’m going to sleep at a good time and waking up at a good time and sleeping all night, so I think that’s pretty good.

So why do I feel so crazy today?

I think it’s because the world’s crazy.  I do.

I don’t think it’s me, I think it’s them!

I think we need to ask at this point:

I’M OK, ARE YOU?

Wishing you peace and stability,

Remember God loves you and so do I,

Michele

I was visiting with my mom today and the subject of being accepted by family came up – that is, being accepted by one side of the family but not the other side.  The subject was money specifically, but we can generalize it even more to bipolar disorder.

Does your family accept you and your bipolar disorder?  I wonder if mine does.  Or at least half of them, anyway.  One side.  It would be sad if the other side were ashamed of me just because I have a mental disorder.

I would hope that my family would love me just the way I am just because I’m family and for no other reason than that I am family, because that’s the way I love them.

But, unfortunately, some people don’t accept mental illness, even (or especially) in their own family.  That’s where there is still stigma in our families today.  Sad, but true.

Some people have been totally rejected by their own families to the point of being kicked out (say, someone with schizophrenia) because they couldn’t deal with their mental illness, and that’s really sad, because they can’t help their illness.

Alot of it is ignorance.  I think if people got educated about mental illness, they would be less ignorant.  But still, where is their unconditional love for their loved one?  There should still be that, shouldn’t there?

Things are getting better, stigma-wise.  There is more education than there was before.  More effort to educate the public.  At least I’d like to think so.  Because with more education comes less fear.  With less fear comes more acceptance (whether within the family or the public).

We (those with bipolar disorder) should not have to walk around ashamed that we have a mental, chemical, and physical disorder that is not our fault.  We should not have to feel responsible for it or guilty for it.  No more than a person with diabetes would.

Wishing you peace and stability,

Remember God loves you and so do I,

Michele

There just aren’t enough bipolar good days, I’ll tell you that.  I wish I had more of them, but  who am I to complain, when I used to have so many bad ones that I never thought my life would have any semblance of normal, much less be as good as it is now?

I really am grateful, though, for the good days that I do have.  I try to accomplish as much as I can on those days, too, because I never know what the next day is going to bring – whether it will be another good day or a bad one.  That’s the unpredictability of bipolar disorder.

Oh, but sometimes the good days are just so good, aren’t they?

My favorite days are my do-nothing, laze around the house, watch DVD’s, Sundays.  I don’t have to do anything, be anywhere, see anyone… I can just relax and be a couch potato if I want to!  Oh, it’s so much fun to just be lazy, isn’t it?  I love it!

It’s different when you work hard all week and earn a lazy Sunday day than like it used to be when you’d be so depressed that every day was a bad bipolar day and you couldn’t get out of bed or off the couch.

On good bipolar days you can accomplish so much!  You can get everything done off your To-Do List that you can, and even if you can’t, it doesn’t bother you – you just put it off till the next day.

On good bipolar days you feel so good about yourself – not like you used to when you would get so down on yourself on those bad bipolar days, not just feeling bad about the day, or the disorder itself, but about yourself (and others) as well.

On good bipolar days, everything just seems better than on other days.  You just feel better about everything in general.  You feel more stable, and in a better mood.  Not manic or anything, just in a good mood.  Gosh, don’t you just love good bipolar days?

On good bipolar days, even if something bad does happen, you feel more able to cope with it – your problem solving skills are better than they are on a bad bipolar day.  You can handle things better on a good bipolar day.  Most things don’t seem to bother you, either.  You have more peace and joy.  It’s just a good day!

On good bipolar days it doesn’t bother you so much that you have bipolar disorder.  You feel like you’re managing the disorder pretty well, and that you’re doing really well.  And that’s a good feeling – to feel like you’re on top of this thing instead of the other way around, like you might feel on a bad bipolar day.  It’s great to feel like you’re in control, isn’t it?

On good bipolar days, everything is just GOOD, and that’s the bottom line.  They may not come very often, but when they do, we need to appreciate them.

Wishing you peace and stability,

Remember God loves you and so do I,

Michele

Ever get the blahs?  Nothing’s wrong, but you don’t feel like everything’s right, either.  You don’t feel like doing anything, and even if you did, you don’t have the energy for it, physically or mentally.

You may not exactly be depressed, it may be more like a feeling of boredom or laziness, but yet not be any of those things.  You just feel blah!

The worst part of it is that usually you don’t know why you’re feeling this way, all you know is that you DO feel like this.  And it can be frustrating to not know why, so now you’re not only blah, but you’re frustratingly blah.

Believe me, I’m not making light of this subject.  I know how serious it can be.  Because if you don’t get out of the blahs, you can get depressed, and that can lead to a bipolar depressive episode.

So the first thing I would suggest to get out of the blahs would be to see your doctor to find out if there is a physical cause for the way you’re feeling.  You could be anemic, you could have thyroid problems (usually women), you could be low in potassium or another mineral, you could be eating something toxic, you could have the beginning of the flu, or any number of physical problems that your doctor can find.

If the reason you’re feeling blah is not physical, then you need to work on the problem yourself.  For that I suggest a couple things.  First of all, in spite of how you feel, try to accomplish something.  Anything.  Maybe something you’ve been meaning to get to or something you missed on your To-Do List.

Another thing I suggest for the blahs is to pamper yourself.  Take a nice, long, hot, luxurious bath and listen to some soothing music or other music that you like.  And don’t get out till the water turns cold!

Something else might be to do something good for yourself.  Go shopping, and treat yourself to that little something that you’ve been wishing for (but make sure you’re not manic!). 

Take the time to cozy up to that good book that you’ve said you don’t have time for, or read anything inspirational.  Catch up on email or letters (you may not feel like talking to anyone).  If you do feel like talking, call an old friend.

Take a long walk in the park or along the sand if you’re near a beach.  Sit on the swings at the playground and watch the children play.  Do anything you want, as long as it makes you feel good and doesn’t interfere with your bipolar disorder.

And while you’re thinking about it… turn your thoughts to good things.  Think about how far you’ve come with your bipolar disorder.  Think about how things were a year ago compared to how they are now.  Aren’t you progressing?  That’s a good thing.  And if you choose to, you can think about other good things, too.

Take care of yourself (physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually) and take care of your bipolar disorder, and pretty soon you’ll find that you’ve beaten the bipolar blahs.

Wishing you peace and stability,

Remember God loves you and so do I,

Michele