Bipolar Survivor

Yep.  I’m feeling rebellious.  I don’t “feel” like having bipolar today.  I wish to be bipolar-free.  I said, I wish to be bipolar-free!  Good fairy, didn’t you hear me?  Ok, so I’m a little goofy.  But you get the point.  It doesn’t matter what we think, believe, want, or feel, we’re still going to have bipolar disorder.  There is no “Good Fairy” who will wave her magic wand over us and make our bipolar go away.  BUT…

We CAN be in control of it.  Of ourselves.  Of our attitudes.  It’s true that I don’t feel like having bipolar today.  But am I going to go out and get drunk over it?  No, I’m not.  Am I going to use drugs to mask my feelings?  Of course not.  Am I going to pig out like I feel like doing instead of eating that salad I’m planning for dinner?  I hope not.

The point is, just because we get stable with bipolar disorder, it doesn’t mean that we’re going to be “happy” all the time.  This is a struggle we’re in, and some days are harder than other days.  Just because we run into a bad day, doesn’t mean we’re in a bipolar episode, either - it just means that we’re human, like everyone else.  And everyone gets bad days here and there.

So am I going to go mad just because I’m having a bad day?  Nope.  What I am going to do is to continue to fight the dragon and take control of my feelings.  In this case, I have to make my thoughts control my feelings, instead of the other way around (I always got in trouble when my feelings overran my thoughts).  I can make good choices today.  I can decide that, although I may not be having the best day, I am still grateful that it is a good day, as any day without an episode is a good day.

It helps to be grateful.  Even if it’s just for the small things.  Like the sun came out today, after 2 days of being snowed-in.  I’m grateful for the sun today – it brightens my mood as much as it brightens the outside of my home.  I’m grateful for my husband, who puts up with my bad bipolar days, and understands, because he has bipolar too.  I’m grateful for that understanding, and the fact that I’m not alone, like I used to be.

And I am so very grateful for my sanity today, because I didn’t always have it.  Bipolar stability was a hard war for me to win, and I don’t dare take it for granted. 

I’m grateful for this blog, where I can share all my thoughts (even the crazy ones) with others who understand where I’m coming from, and are even sometimes there, too.  Maybe just one small thing that I say will help someone today, and for that I am grateful, too.  It helps alot when you take the emphasis off yourself and put it onto other people.  It also keeps you humble.

So, ok, this isn’t the greatest day I’ve ever had.  But I’m ok.  I’m ok.  I’m really ok. (There’s no place like home…there’s no place like home… there’s no place like home… LOL)

That’s how I have to believe.  That even if I don’t “feel” ok today, if I tell myself enough times, I’ll believe it.  And just hope that tomorrow will be a better day (I believe, I believe, I believe).

Well, here’s wishing you peace and stability, no matter how bad a bipolar day you’re having,

Remember God loves you and so do I,

Michele

It is a good day.  It is a good day.  It is a good day… Maybe if I say it enough times, I’ll believe it!  No, it really is a good day, because any day without an episode is a good day, but I just feel a little down today.  Do you know, I actually had to decide whether to write about this or not?  I still have that smidgeon of pride left in me, that seeking for perfection, that drives me to want to keep things sugar-coated so you wouldn’t know I ever got depressed.  Bunk!  If I’m one thing, it’s honest.  And it doesn’t matter how long you’ve been stable, you can still get depressed.

Ok, so I’m a little depressed today.  I can find no cause for it, so I must assume it’s just the dragon lifting its head and making its presence known.  Or the fact that I’m tired.  That’s the truth.  Did you know that fatigue and depression can mimic each other? 

It’s ok if I have a bad bipolar day.  That’s what I tell myself – actually give myself permission to have a bad bipolar day and take it easy, reducing that need for perfection.  I’m only human, and a human with bipolar disorder at that.  It’s ok if I’m not perfect, and it’s ok to have a bad bipolar day.  I wasn’t depressed yesterday or the day before, and I most likely won’t be depressed tomorrow (I pray).

How do I know?  Because I watch my trends, my mood patterns.  And I have no other symptoms of depression except that I’m tired.  And, like I said, bipolar depression and fatigue can be confused.  In fact, fatigue is one symptom of a bipolar depression.  But can you have one without the other?  You sure can.  I can be tired today, but not be depressed.  Not bipolar depressed, anyway.

I’d say it’s that I’m snowed in, but I like being snowed in.  There wasn’t anywhere I wanted to go today anyway.  And it looks so pretty from the inside out – from my nice, warm, home.  I did go “scrunch the snow” in my new (Christmas present) boots to check the mail, so I did get some fresh air.  So that’s a good sign, that I went outside.

Like I said, I have no other symptoms of a bipolar depression than the fact that I’m tired.  I don’t take naps during the day, though, as someone else might do or suggest for me to do, because I already have enough trouble getting to sleep at night.  Once I’m asleep, I stay asleep (even if a bomb were to go off!), but it’s the getting there that’s the problem.  I even take medication for it.  Some nights it doesn’t work, like last night, so I drink herbal tea.  Then I try again.  Melatonin helps as well.

So I’ll just go to bed early tonight, and that should take care of it!  Here’s to a better tomorrow…

Wishing you peace and stability,

Remember God loves you and so do I,

Michele

Today I had a really good day.  Of course, any day without a bipolar episode is a good day.  And it’s not like anything exciting happened – actually, just the opposite — but I feel good today.  I think because I’m feeling better physically, I’m feeling better emotionally as well.  I made a couple New Year’s resolutions and I’m sticking to them (so far) – to quit smoking and to lose weight.  I’ve now lost 3 lbs. and haven’t had a cigarette for 4 days!  Quit, cold turkey (no easy feat, I’ve been smoking off and on since I was 12 yrs old, and I just turned 52 on New Year’s Eve).

Ok, so now I’ve given my age away.  No biggie.  I certainly don’t feel as old as all that!  I started taking a B-complex supplement in addition to my regular bipolar medications, and I think that’s helping with the energy and good mood.  At least it’s been consistent for a week now.  Boy, I hope this good feeling lasts.

Well, the holidays are over, but I still have that “new year” feeling – like new beginnings.  Like I was talking about sticking to my resolutions.  See, I had stopped making resolutions, because I never kept them.  Especially the smoking – I had totally given up on that.  But I decided to practice what I preach to you all the time – about living a healthy lifestyle.  It’s no surprise that it’s the way to stay stable, but now I really want to, whereas before I did it just to maintain bipolar stability.

I guess I was starting to feel like I was in that winter slump for awhile there, but now things are better.  I still watch myself because, just because I’ve been stable for so long, that doesn’t mean that the dragon isn’t hiding around the very next bend.  I always have to be cautious and do the things I need to do to stay stable, sober, and sane, and to be vigilant in watching for bipolar triggers, signs, and symptoms of an oncoming episode, so I can head it off at the pass.

I would never want to go back to those chaotic days where I would rapid cycle and be in episodes bouncing me off the walls, I couldn’t keep up with them.  My hold on my emotions and moods was as futile as chasing a firefly in summer.  Too difficult to do, and things were out of hand.  That’s why I’m so grateful for good days – for ANY day without a bipolar episode.  I’m so glad to be episode-free!

But still, I feel bad about the people who write to me who aren’t as stable.  I wish I could give this away to every one of them, so they can know the great feeling of stability.  Granted, it’s hard fought, but once attained makes your life soooo much better!   I wish I could give it like a Christmas gift, tied up with a beautiful bow.  But all I can do is pray for you and share my experience, strength, and hope with you in the hopes that you will get something out of it.

Anyway, there really isn’t any news today – I just wanted to share my good day with you.

Wishing you peace and stability,

Remember God loves you and so do I,

Michele

Today is a dreary day where I live in Tennessee.  It’s cold and rainy and dark.  It’s difficult not to let the weather affect my mood, but I am trying.  Still, it seems to have stolen my motivation.  It’s just one of those days where it would be more preferable to climb back into bed and pull the warm covers over my head and make believe that I have no responsibilities today.  Have you ever been to this place?

On top of that, it’s my birthday today, yet it feels no different than any other day.  Isn’t that always the way with birthdays?  You long to feel special, yet others do not necessarily acknowledge you or your special day.  My parents called last night to wish me a Happy Birthday, but I have not heard from my sons.  Ah, but they are young, and easily forget adult responsibilities.  So I have to excuse them, and not expect a birthday wish from them.  Still, there’s a part of me that says, “How can they forget my birthday?  It’s on New Year’s Eve!”  And again, I have to remind myself not to expect so much from other people.

If you expect too much of others, you will be sorely mistaken, or disappointed at the least.  When you have bipolar disorder, your emotions, at times, are like a fire that burns your very nerves – that’s how acutely you feel the emotion.  But, for necessity’s sake, you need to lower your expectations of others, or you will, in fact, be disappointed.  Through no fault of theirs, I remind myself, because people are just human, and are not perfect in the least.

Yet today, on my birthday, I long for extra attention and love – just something to make this day special.  I certainly do not intend to go into a depression, however, just because I feel the disappointment so acutely.  Still, it gives reason for my lack of motivation.

I’ve had to learn to depend on myself, and even I let myself down sometimes!  We cannot expect perfection in an imperfect world.  Especially not of ourselves.  That’s how I justify being unmotivated today.  I allow myself the freedom to experience this feeling without regret.

Ah, but then my expectations of myself are so high, I need a reality check.  I am 52 years old today and, even though I don’t feel that old, the truth is that I am.  This is the day that I mourn all the wasted years in which I was not diagnosed with bipolar disorder, yet exhibited every sign and symptom.  So who can I blame for my suffering?  Certainly not anyone else, as no one told me what was wrong with me – I just knew that I was different somehow.  Deep down.  Unexplainable.  And I knew nothing about bipolar disorder or how it can tragically destroy your life if it is untreated.

Not until after I was diagnosed and lost my job because of my bipolar disorder had I had to rethink my expectations of others.  Certainly, their own ignorance of the disorder is not fodder for my resentment.  It’s not their fault that I wasn’t diagnosed until my 40’s.  The point is that I was diagnosed, and did get help for my disorder.

These days, motivated or not, I am grateful for that fateful day when an insightful therapist recognized the signs and symptoms of bipolar disorder in me and referred me to a psychiatrist, who diagnosed me and put me on medications to help me balance my manias and depressions.

So, basically I am a very stable and successful person with bipolar disorder.  My self-esteem is good, and my life is good.  I am grateful for the small blessings in it, and this keeps me in a positive frame of mind.

So how do I explain today?  Just a normal person’s feelings – nothing to do with bipolar at all.  It’s ok to be unmotivated once in a while.  I must keep my positive attitude, however, which tells me realistically that this is far from a bipolar depression.  I do NOT want to go back there!

The difference now is that “this too shall pass,” and the feelings of disappointment and unmotivation will inherently disappear by tomorrow.  I have experienced this “one day” of extreme emotions before, and know that it will happen again.  So I take out my bipolar arsenal, and fight for my sanity yet again.  And I will win, because I control my bipolar disorder – it does NOT control me!  I have to remind myself of this sometimes.

So perhaps today, with its negative emotions, is simply a reminder that yes, I still do have bipolar disorder, but I can choose a positive attitude today (motivation aside) and just LET GO and LET GOD.  I do not have to be anywhere or do anything today – nobody is counting on me for anything.  So I can just roll with the punches today, as long as they do not dip too far into the depressive side of this disorder.

And who knows?  After a few hours of this type of thinking, I may actually get motivated!  If not, I’ll just “wait it out” as always.  It’s important during times like these to keep my emotions in check, be realistic, not expect perfection from myself or anyone else, and just get through this day. 

One day at a time is not only a saying to me.  It’s how I live my life.

Wishing you peace and stability,

Remember God loves you and so do I,

Michele

I hope y’all had a good Christmas.  I sure did!  I got everything that I wanted but, more importantly, it was quiet and without chaos.  I’m so grateful for stability this year.  And yet at the same time, I am wary.  I know from the past that these are bad months for me, as my sister’s birthday was in December, and remembering her is hard (although it seems to be getting less painful each year).   The people in the bakery department always look at me funny when I ask for ONE (and only one) cupcake.  I put it and a candle in front of my sister’s picture and I sing her Happy Birthday.  Now, having confessed that, I’m afraid that you’ll think I’m crazy, too!  But we all deal with grief and remembrance in our own ways.

After my sister’s birthday, Christmas was just 10 days away, so I had something to look forward to, and that’s another thing.  When you’re trying to deal with bipolar disorder, it’s easier when you have things to look forward to, no matter how small.  Like every Friday, my husband and I have Date Night.  It doesn’t have to be extravagant or expensive (can’t be, when we live on Disability).  It gives me something to look forward to each week.  Then on Sundays I have “Movie Watching Day,” where I don’t work and instead, watch classic movies all day.  That’s something else I have to look forward to.  It was hard to learn how to practice relaxation, but that’s the way I do it, and it works for me.

You should have things to look forward to as well.  It really helps to deal with the daily ins and outs of coping with bipolar disorder.  It gives you something to look forward to – something positive in your life.  And being positive is the name of the game.

In addition to short-term things to look forward to, it’s good to have longer-term ones as well.  Like we plan to go to Colorado in April to see my oldest son and my brother and his family, and in October, we’re looking forward to going on a cruise for our anniversary.

If you have both short-term and long-term goals (things to look forward to), it really does help to deal with your disorder.  I always try to make sure I have something coming up, even if it’s months away.  Like right now, I’m looking forward to the beginning of the new year, and that’s just a few days away.  But a word of caution here – if the new year is all you have to look forward to right now, you may become depressed on Jan. 2nd.  Make sure you have something long-term to look forward to in the new year, and you’ll feel much better.

The new year brings with it excitement at new opportunities, new growth, further achievement and, hopefully, sustained stability.  It’s an exciting time!  But walk wary, as I do, and don’t take that stability for granted.  You may have to work a little harder to maintain it after the holidays.

There’s a fine line between depression vs. contentment, especially right after the holidays.  If your contentment is not based on something substantial (or if you have no contentment), you may fall prey to post-holiday depression, as many people with bipolar disorder do.  After all the gifts are opened, try to keep the spirit alive in your heart.  Plan things to do so that you still feel productive.  Do things that make you feel good about yourself, like doing things for others, or volunteering for a worthy cause.

And try not to be so self-contained.  Like volunteering, taking your mind off yourself and your problems and putting it on other people and their needs is a good way to keep balance and insure stability.  Self-pity is the fastest way to dive into a bipolar depression.

Yes, so this year I feel content.  It’s a quiet feeling, a peaceful one, one filled with gratitude.  Not only that I had such a good holiday, or have such great kids and a great husband, or even that I have such a good job – I’m grateful that I made it through another Christmas without a bipolar episode!  And I am content with that.  The presents didn’t matter.  Just the joy of being able to receive them did.

I hope you’re making it through these post-holiday days ok.  Try to stay on the side of contentment (and gratitude), and avoid the pitfalls of post-holiday depression.  I wish you happiness at this time, as always.

Wishing you peace and stability,

Remember God loves you and so do I,

Michele

I wish you all a very merry bipolar Christmas this year!  I hope this Christmas is even better for you than last year’s was.  I know mine is.  I had a good Christmas last year, but I’ve been feeling much more grateful this year and truly remembering what the holiday is about (and have been enjoying buying presents for my husband as well).

Too many people with bipolar disorder struggle at Christmastime.  Unfortunately, it’s the nature of the dragon.  If you let it, bipolar disorder can totally ruin your holiday (and the rest of the week/month as well).  You need to fight it!  Try to keep an attitude of gratitude, and remember what the holiday is really all about – Jesus, not presents or trees or decorations.  It’s HIS birthday we’re celebrating, after all.

It helps if you take the emphasis off yourself and put it onto others, or doing good for others.  Try volunteering at the food bank this year – there are so many people worse off than you.

Yet at the same time, I know how it feels to be depressed at Christmas.  Remember a few years ago when I cancelled Christmas?  What a mistake that turned out to be.  But I was just too depressed to even put up a tree, much less buy any presents or deal with the holiday at all.

At least put forth some effort, and if you’re depressed, yes, it will take effort on your part.  Even if you don’t go anywhere, have Christmas in some way at home.  Watch “It’s a Wonderful Life,” (my favorite movie) – it will help you to feel grateful about your life.  Every time I watch it (I watch it every year, except for the year I cancelled Christmas), I am reminded that my life is a gift.

Try to do something that will help bring you out of the bipolar blues.  Again, if you turn your attention toward someone else, it will help deter your own self-pity.  And I don’t mean to be mean, but I’ve been there.  I felt so sorry for myself that bad bipolar Christmas.  Sometimes it’s hard to take the emphasis off yourself because, after all, you’re prejudiced and feel everything so subjectively.  But at least try this year. 

Try to make someone else’s holiday a little better, however you can.  My son was at a restaurant with a few of his friends, and they were talking about their poor financial conditions, and were apparently overheard by the older couple at the next table, although they didn’t know it.  When they went to pay their bill, they were told that it had already been paid by that older couple.  Random acts of kindness are the most rewarding things.

Be grateful for what my mom calls “small favors.”  If you are not in the hospital today, be grateful.  If you are not in an episode today, be grateful.  If you have a good supporter and friends and family who love you and care about you, be grateful.  If you have your health today, be grateful.  If you have hope today, be grateful, because there was probably a time when you didn’t even have hope.

That’s what I pray for each one of you today – that you don’t let go of your hope.  It’s a blessed thing.  And may you have a very Merry Christmas!

Wishing you peace and stability,

Remember God loves you and so do I,

Michele

Christmas is almost here, and it actually snowed this past week!  I love the snow (as long as I am indoors), and hope it snows on Christmas.  I’m actually a transplantee to Tennessee from Buffalo, NY.  I know what snow is!

These days I’m just feeling blessed.  Yes, blessed in spite of my bipolar disorder.  You know, a lot of people get mad at God for not taking away (healing) their bipolar disorder.  But I find blessings amid the struggle.  In fact, the struggle itself is a blessing, because of how strong it has made me.  I control my bipolar disorder - it doesn’t control me.  And there is a pride in that, because it took a lot of work to reach the stable point I’m at today.

Because of bipolar disorder, I had to go on Disability (SSDI), and learn to live within my means, with a limited income.  And because of it, I was inspired to search for work as a writer, and found it at www.bipolarcentral.com.  Now I am doing what I dreamed of doing all my life.  Writing is a gift from God, and I appreciate it every day.

I didn’t have many friends before I was diagnosed with BP, so not having many friends now is no different – I have a couple close girlfriends, and that’s it.  Most of my relationships are long-distance ones, and we mostly keep in touch through Facebook.  But I am married to my best friend.  I am so blessed having Bill as my husband, as he is my best friend and soulmate.  And because he also has bipolar disorder, it makes for good communication, unconditional love, and an understanding of me and my disorder that someone without it couldn’t relate to.

I have 3 wonderful, grown sons, whom I love with all my heart.  Only the youngest has diagnosed bipolar, although I suspect the oldest has it, too.  I hate to see them struggle – it tugs on my mother’s heart.  But I’m still glad I had them and wasn’t scared away by the statistics supporting a hereditary component to bipolar disorder.

I believe that my bipolar disorder has actually made me a better person.  I’m certainly more compassionate, both to others with a mental illness, and to their families.  It’s not easy being married to, or caring about, someone who has bipolar disorder, borderline personality disorder, or any other mental disorder.  I give my husband credit for helping me to stay stable this long without an episode.  He always notices the signs quicker than I do, and we keep it from going full-blown.

I’m blessed by having such a good relationship with my mom, too, who also has the disorder.  I’ve never blamed her for my getting it, altho they do say that it runs in families.  But it is a common bond between us, even more than the mother-daughter bond we already shared.  We help each other stay stable.

More than anything else, I’m grateful for my sanity today.  It doesn’t matter that I have problems – at least I’m sane enough to see them and work out a way to solve them, rationally.  And freedom from bipolar episodes has also been a blessing, because I’m not having to pay consequences all the time like I used to.

Yes, I am truly blessed.

Does that mean I’m glad I have bipolar disorder?  Well, that gets kind of tricky to answer.  I accept that I have the disorder, but I don’t have to like it.  I’m glad that I have bipolar disorder instead of cancer, if you think about it that way.  Things could have been much worse for me.  I’ve learned to live and function well within my limitations, and that means that I’m a person who is in control of her life.  You couldn’t always say that about me.

I feel so bad for those of you who are struggling these last few days before Christmas.  This is the hardest time of the year for some people with bipolar disorder.  I remember one year both my husband and I were very close to bipolar episodes – we were both so depressed, we decided to cancel Christmas that year (BIG mistake!).  We just commisserated with each other on our pity pots.  Didn’t do either of us any good, and was the worst Christmas I ever had.

This year it’s not like that.  We are having a wonderful time in these days leading up to the holiday, and are excited to celebrate Jesus’ birthday later this week.  It helps to be living such a simple, humble, sane, quiet life.  And it is a blessing.

Wishing you peace and stability,

Remember God loves you and so do I,

Michele

Well, I’ve finished with my Christmas shopping.  Not like last year, where I was still buying things on Christmas Eve!  Nothing like waiting till the last minute, eh?  This year is so much better, because doing too much at once is definitely not good for my bipolar disorder.

I used to feel overwhelmed all the time.  It didn’t matter whether I only had one thing to do that day, or a dozen things to do, I still felt too weak (unmotivated) to do anything about it.  That was when I had bad depressions. 

It was like a cycle – I was depressed because I couldn’t get anything done and because I couldn’t get anything done, I was depressed.  Do you understand what I mean?

Then things just kept piling up and piling up and I just got worse.

What saved me was my therapist (wonderful woman that she is).  She taught me how to chip away at bigger tasks by making just a dent, but to make that dent each day, and I would eventually get the whole task done.  See, I was looking at the whole task and being so overwhelmed by it that I wouldn’t even touch it.  Once I got started, though, just a little bit at a time, I kept getting better and better.  My self-esteem got better and better as well, and eventually I came out of that episode.

These days I don’t let anything pile up.  I’m so afraid of going back to that time, and of having another depressive episode, that I take care of things right away.  But it took work to build that into my daily life.  I can do it now because it taught me that the more I take care of right away, the less will pile up, so I won’t get overwhelmed any more.  And do you know, it hasn’t yet?  I can’t remember the last time I was depressed (or that I had a pile of stuff to take care of).

Procrastination is the enemy of someone with bipolar disorder.  Even if it’s only a chip or a dent, we need to take care of things as they come up in order to avoid feeling overwhelmed and depressed.

Wishing you peace and stability,

Remember God loves you and so do I,

Michele

I just got back from Date Night with my husband (we have one every Friday).  We went to my favorite used bookstore, out to dinner, and to his teenage daughter’s band concert.  Seems almost “normal,” eh?  Yeah, I feel good today – it was a happy bipolar day.  It’s so wonderful to be able to experience the joy of life (usually found in the simple things) and to know this happiness is real and not a result of bipolar mania.

My husband had a job interview this morning (he has bipolar disorder as well) - his first attempt in five years.  He was really nervous, but he did it.  Whether he gets the job or not is not the point – the real point is that he took a risk and put himself out there, bipolar and all.  He was motivated for the first time in a long time.  See, alot of people don’t realize that bipolar disorder can steal your motivation, like it did to Bill.  You can get so used to not doing anything that it becomes a way of life, and that’s not good.  But now he feels that he is stable enough to try to at least work part time, and I’m so proud of him for trying today.  Like I said, it’s not whether he gets the job or not (although that would be nice), it’s that his self-esteem was improved just by trying.  I feel like he defeated the dragon today, and I’m so proud of him.

Not to change the subject, but just to clear something up:  I was asked in a recent comment if I am a professional writer.  So for those who’ve just found this blog, and don’t know about me, I write for www.bipolarcentral.com professionally.  This is like a dream come true for me, as I wanted to be a writer all my life.  But, like such as is common in life, I was waylaid into a career as a professional office temp, respiratory therapist, and then medical transcriptionist.  It was while I was working as a medical transcriptionist that I fell prey to the bipolar disorder that haunted me all my life yet went undiagnosed until then.

Recovery didn’t come for me overnight, however.  It took two years for me to become really stable and willingly adhere to treatment.  I was still rebellious in the beginning, and would go off my medication so I could feel the manic highs I missed so much.  One day I just had enough of the inevitable crash into depression that naturally followed a manic episode, and I decided I wanted a more stable life – that my life was out of control.  Once they found the right “sanity cocktail” for me and I stayed on my medications, my whole life stabilized as well as my mind.

I’ve been episode-free for years, and can now thoroughly enjoy happy bipolar days like today.  I went from being a woman who tried to kill herself 5 times in my pre-diagnosed years…to being alive and happy with my life today, with never another suicidal thought, even when I go into depressive episodes.

My life now is devoted to helping other people with mental illness not feel so alone.  Because that is what I remember the most from the years I was so sick – that utter despair of feeling like I was all alone.  I didn’t know what was wrong with me, but I knew that something was, because I didn’t feel “normal.”  Accepting the fact that I have bipolar disorder, and realizing in hindsight that it was the reason that life was so difficult for me for so many years, made everything fall into place for me like that final piece that completes a jigsaw puzzle.

I also believe that recovery is possible, and try to encourage everyone I come in contact with who has bipolar disorder that it is only a diagnosis, not a life sentence – there is such a thing as recovery, and I am living proof of it.  If I can achieve stability, anyone can achieve it.  I like the saying, “If you believe it, you can achieve it.”  And I am here to encourage others to reach out for stability.  It’s the closest we ever get to “normal.”

I feel so blessed now.  I have a great job that I love (writing for www.bipolarcentral.com) and that uses my gifts and talent…I am married to my best friend of over 10 years, who also has bipolar disorder…I have my little home in the beautiful mountains of Tennessee…I have restored relations with my 3 grown sons, as well as other family members… and my life is stable today.  I still have a depressed day here and there (never for a reason I can find, so I know it’s the bipolar disorder), but I have been episode-free for a while now.  I know that’s because of my “sanity cocktail” and the other things I do to stay stable.

But God is good.  And He has truly blessed me with a good life, in spite of having bipolar disorder.  If you are struggling today, please be encouraged that God can do for you what he has done for me, because the Bible says that He is “not a respecter of persons” – meaning that He sees no difference between you and me.  You can have what I have.  Just ask Him to give it to you.  Stability could be the greatest gift you receive this Christmas!

Wishing you peace and stability,

Remember God loves you and so do I,

Michele

I had a request to write on the subject of, “Why are people with bipolar so angry?”  I wish I had a single magic word answer for you, but I don’t.  I can only answer for myself, as someone who has bipolar disorder.

There are many reasons to be angry if you have bipolar disorder.  Mostly, I believe, the anger stems from a resentment toward having the disorder in the first place.   I mean, we didn’t ask for this, we didn’t do anything to get it, and we couldn’t have done anything to prevent it – we’re just stuck with it and all that that entails.  Mostly, I think it could be the whole lack of control issue.

Many of us were once people very much in control (some might even say control freaks).  With the onset of bipolar disorder comes the loss of control over your emotions and your moods.

I could wake up one day and be perfectly fine, yet by that afternoon be in a bipolar episode, if I don’t do certain things to prevent that from happening.

Treatment is imperative.  Medications help to stabilize those unpredictable moods.  However, there are still times when I will have a “breakthrough” mini-episode, like I was talking about.  I’d be in a good mood, everything going along fine, then all of a sudden I might be depressed, or even angry, for no reason that I can define.

The impulsivity angle of the disorder may have something to do with the anger as well.  I mean, I’ve said and done things in a bipolar episode that are totally contrary to my character – impulsive decisions, like getting married – and then had to deal with the consequences, mostly negative ones.  It’s like waking up from a bad dream.

To some people, having bipolar disorder is like living a bad dream, only worse.  You can’t wake up.  You can’t change what happens, and many times you’re not even aware of what is happening.  That’s like when I would have hallucinations and delusions.

Part of the anger may stem from the paranoia feature of some types of bipolar disorder.  Or it could be as simple as a “bad mood” that for other people might be acceptable, but for someone with bipolar disorder can stray far from controlling that anger.  In that case, there are usually pretty bad consequences to pay, such as a breakdown in communication and respect (to say nothing of loving) in an interpersonal relationship.

My husband once threw a wrench at his supervisor – he was in an undiagnosed state of bipolar disorder, and he was that angry that that’s what he did.  (Needless to say, the consequences of his actions were to lose his job).  Other people cannot understand that degree of anger and hostility, or what we do with it once we feel it.

Why are we so angry then?  Well, another reason might be that this disorder is incurable, and we have to take medication every day for the rest of our lives.  We are also limited by the disorder, as in some of us can no longer even hold down a job.

I call bipolar disorder “the dragon,” to keep it as something outside myself.  It’s something I can fight, and I do, with everything that is in me, I fight this disorder so that I can stay stable.  But many times I get angry at the dragon, for what it has stolen from my life (sanity, a normal life, my job as a medical transcriptionist, etc.).

Other reasons for anger are frustration, anxiety, and stress.  For some people, just getting out of bed is stressful.  Then compound that with having to deal with stressful people and/or a stressful job, and anger can surface.

I know that I have had to train myself that when I am feeling angry, not to take it out on my husband.  I mean, I usually don’t even know what I’m angry about, and it’s not fair to take it out on him (or anyone else).  That’s usually when I hide in my cave, so I don’t hurt anyone or get hurt myself, like fighting with my husband (usually over nothing) would be an example of.

I’m angry that my bipolar disorder was diagnosed so late in my life (in my 40’s), when I think of how different my life would have been if I had had proper treatment in my earlier years.  There has been a great cost in my life to having bipolar disorder, and I wish it weren’t that way.  That’s why I encourage people to get diagnosed as soon as they can (I had my son diagnosed at 12 years old), so they can go on the right medication to keep them stable and have a better life.

I’m angry that people still do not have sympathy for people who have bipolar disorder – out of their own ignorance and fear.  I sometimes still feel like an outcast from society – unacceptable, damaged goods, insane.  But how can I get mad at these people when they treat me that way out of ignorance and fear?  That’s why I try so hard to educate people about the disorder.

I know I get angry because of the unpredictability of this disorder.  Like I was saying before, I can go from happy to depressed in a single minute, and never know what hit me.  I can’t make plans like other people (unless I also make a Plan B), because I never know from day to day how this disorder is going to make me feel.

Anger is one of the reasons I am still in therapy after all these years.  It’s that one emotion that is so difficult to control. 

But I said all that to say this:  There is a way to conquer that anger, or at least to control it.  It takes a lot of self-discipline, and like what I said, therapy to learn to deal with it.  And believe me, it is something you will have to deal with if you want to be stable.

Besides the Bible and prayer, this is what has helped me the most (it’s from the AA Big Book):

“When I stopped living in the problem and began living in the answer, the problem went away…Acceptance is the answer to all my problems today.  When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing, or situation – some fact of my life – unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing, or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment.  Nothing, absolutely nothing, happens in God’s world by mistake…unless I accept life completely on life’s terms, I cannot be happy.  I need to concentrate not so much on what needs to be changed in the world as on what needs to be changed in me and in my attitudes.”

I keep a copy of that posted right on my computer, to remind me of what it says.  It has not only helped me to control my anger and frustration, but also my depression.

It could be the answer for you as well.  I hope so.  Being angry takes so much out of you!

Wishing you peace and stability,

Remember God loves you and so do I,

Michele