Bipolar Survivor

I got a comment recently saying, “I’m not sure all this is true,” and it hurt my feelings.  I actually started feeling sorry for myself because one person doubted my word.  Oh, how defensive I felt.

Then I went back to an old post I wrote called “Stop Worrying What Other People Think of You” and my own fingers pointed back at me.

Here’s an exerpt from that post:

“Just be who we are, and let people think what they want to think. It really is none of our business what people think of us (negative or positive), and we’re just wasting precious energy trying to please other people when we could be using our energy to help the people who need our help, to love the people who do appreciate us for who we are.”

Like I said, when I read that, I knew I was wasting my time and energy worrying about what this one person thought of me and my blog.

In my defense, however, I will say this.  Everything I write is from the heart.  It’s all true.  I no longer have to be dramatic or make things up or do things to try to make people like me.  That’s not what this blog is about.  It’s about presenting the truth as I know it, and trying to help someone else with bipolar disorder.

So why should I care?  Because I do care about the people who read this blog.  You are real to me, and when I write I know I’m writing to real people.  And if even one thing I say is useful to you, I consider that post a success.

A few people have had objections to my usual closing (”Remember God loves you and so do I”), either because they think it is too “religious” or because they don’t believe I love them.  Well, the truth is that I care about every person who has bipolar disorder, and I want to help you.  Because of my stability, I can now love unconditionally.  I do what I wish someone had done for me before I was stable.  I let them know that they’re not alone.

I wish I knew back then that God loved me.  I thought there was something fundamentally wrong with me, that I had problems with relationships and in feeling loved, that I was crazy and there was no hope for me.  I didn’t think anyone cared.  But it was only irratioinal thoughts from my bipolar disorder.  Now I know the difference.

So many people are struggling with their disorder right now, and I feel for every one of them, because I’ve been there.  That’s why I share my experience.  I have been diagnosed as both types of BP.  I have experienced the psychotic episodes.  I really have tried to kill myself 5 times and been institutionalized or hospitalized 5 times.  I can only pray that that doesn’t happen to someone else.

I want to get information out there that I didn’t have when I was struggling.  That’s why I write what I do.  I mean, I didn’t even know one other person who was going through what I was going through.  It’s kind of like only an alcoholic can understand another alcoholic.  I try to be that one other person with bipolar disorder who understands your situation, so that you can be spared some of the trials that I experienced with bipolar.

As far as this person’s comment… I DO care.  Not about what other people think of me, but I do care about the people who read this blog and their supporters, and their struggle.  This is a nefarious disease, with no cure.  Sometimes all I have to offer is my experience, strength, and hope for your recovery.  And at that I am honest.

I’m no longer insecure about being a person with bipolar disorder, because I know it does NOT define me as a person.  I know who I am outside the disorder.  That’s how I can live with it.  One of the biggest messages I’m out here promoting is YOU ARE NOT YOUR DISORDER!  You have your own identity.

Hopefully, some of my posts have helped you to understand that, and the other things I write about.  Just know this.  I honestly do care what happens to you.  And I will NOT let bipolar disorder steal even one other person’s spirit like it stole mine.

Wishing you peace and stability,

Remember God loves you and so do I,

Michele

I am one of those people who use varied coping strategies for my bipolar disorder.  I was asked once if I have any unique coping strategies that I could share.

I guess the most unique thing I do is that when I’m having racing thoughts and can’t turn my mind off, I do crossword puzzles to cope with it.  They help me to focus and concentrate on something other than my thoughts.  I guess you could say that’s pretty unique.

Although I know another woman with bipolar disorder who colors in a coloring book when she has racing thoughts and can’t shut down, and I think that’s even more unique!

I also use my dog as one of my coping techniques.  She is a dachsund-hound mix, and very loving.  She gives me the unconditional love that I crave, especially when I’m depressed.  Also, petting her is therapeutic.  Making the same motion over and over again can be very soothing to a bipolar mind.  And yes, I do talk to her.  I only have access to my therapist twice a month, and never at night, but my Princess is always there to listen to me. 

In fact, sometimes by hearing what I say to her, I work out my own solutions.  One thing I can say for sure is that using my dog as a coping mechanism for my bipolar disorder does work.

She also keeps me responsible.  I can’t just “take a day off” when I have the responsibility to take care of my dog.  She needs to be fed and watered, and needs attention and affection.  If I can’t get my mind off me, I put my mind on her and her needs, and this usually works (of course, I do this with my husband, too — not to compare him to a dog LOL).

Another coping strategy I use is routine.  It helps me to stay in control.

I wake up at the same time every day and go to bed the same time every day.  I eat at the same times.  I take my medications at the same times.  I watch the same shows on TV.  I call my mom every day (she is one of my supporters, and has BP as well).  I take my shower at the same time, and all my other grooming needs (hair, makeup, nails, etc.).  I write in my journal every night and fill out my mood chart every day.

I also go to all my regular appointments, whether I feel like it or not.  I told you I see my therapist every other week.  Well, sometimes I’ll be thinking that I don’t have anything to talk about, so I don’t want to go, but I make myself go anyway and, sure enough, I talk for 45 miinutes!

I talked about writing in my journal, well, that’s a major coping strategy for me.  I don’t worry about grammar and spelling, because no one else is going to read it but me.  And I don’t worry so much about whether my thoughts are crazy or not, they just ARE.  So I record them in my journal. 

If I start to “feel funny,” or not like myself, and/or am worried I might be going into a bipolar episode, I can look back at my journal entries and see if there is a pattern.  For example, if I’ve been journaling that I’m depressed for a week, it’s a pretty sure bet that I’m going into a depressive episode, so I take action.

I do something that makes me feel better.  For me, any “chick flick” will do!  I think I’ve watched “Pretty Woman” about a dozen times!

Usually when I’m depressed, I tend to isolate.  One feeds the other — being too isolated can make me depressed.  So I find that in these cases, just getting out of the house for awhile helps.

Work is a big coping strategy for me.  Even if it’s just writing my blog, I have to take my mind off myself and think about the people I’m trying to help.

What about you?  What are some of your coping strategies (unique or otherwise)?

Wishing you peace and stability,

Remember God loves you and so do I,

Michele

I just got back from eating dinner out with my husband, and I am more than stuffed.  In fact, I’m “over-full” (can that be?)

You know, I think that bipolar disorder can make you “over-full” as well.

I’ll tell you what I’m talking about, and maybe you can relate.  At dinner, I feasted on everything there was to have, and I didn’t stop when I was supposed to.  So call that getting my priorities out of whack, because the priority should have been enjoying a nice meal to feed myself, and not gorge like I did!  It was just too much at one sitting.

So that’s how I relate it to bipolar disorder – “too much at one sitting,” or overdoing it.

Bipolar disorder is a mental illness that I have.  There is no denying that.  But it doesn’t have to “over-fill” me.  It doesn’t have to “overdo” me.

There was a time when I ate, drank, and slept bipolar disorder.  My whole life was centered around it.  I identified with my disorder, to my detriment.  That’s why I preach so much that “You are NOT your disorder.”  Because for awhile I was, yet wondered why I wasn’t gettiing any better.

You have to have a life outside your bipolar disorder.  You cannot let it consume you.

It was hard to attain my stability, and I’ll never make light of that.  There are certain things I do now to maintain my stability, too.  But I don’t overdo it any more.  My thoughts aren’t only about the disorder and actively fighting it.

I’m not saying that you ever get past the point of battle with this deadly serious disorder, but after awhile, you stop looking for those battles around every corner.

There was a time when I was afraid to leave my own house, even to do something as mundane as go to the store, because I was afraid I would “act bipolar,” and everyone would stare at me.

Now I know I don’t “act bipolar,” any more than I act like I have low thyroid, which I also have.  There’s nobody pointing a finger at me, and nothing to be afraid of.

There is life outside of bipolar disorder!  A very good life to be had, in fact.

Even if you’re struggling with it now, I assure you that things will get better.  Bipolar symptoms will not be with you 24/7.  Yes, you will still have to take medication every day, but this is part of your treatment.  In fact, I give medication the credit for much of my stability.  But so what?  I take it in the morning when I get up, and at night before I go to sleep.  I don’t have to think about it during the day.

My bipolar disorder no longer rules me like it once did.  I do have a life outside of my disorder.  I do also still have “bad bipolar days,” but for the most part, I live as normal a life as anyone else.

And I’ll tell you something else that comes with stability — peace of mind.  I am no longer afraid of my disorder.  I am no longer afraid to go out in public.  I am no longer afraid to be the real me.  And the real me has a mental illness called bipolar disorder.

But now there IS a me.  Before I was only my disorder.  Now I am just a person who happens to have bipolar disorder.  It does NOT define who I am.  I am still me.  That’s the freedom that stability has given me.

If bipolar disorder is making you “over-full” right now, if it feels as if it’s consuming you, just continue to do the right things and wait.  Your time will come, and you will reach stability, too.

Wishing you peace and stability,

Remember God loves you and so do I,

Michele

Some people have accused me of not taking bipolar disorder seriously enough.  They don’t realize how seriously I really do take it – it tried to take my life from me 5 times!  Of course, I realize the seriousness of it.  That’s the biggest reason I have this blog in the first place — to warn others of the seriousness of bipolar disorder, like when I talk about how 20% of people with it will kill themselves.   I know, because my sister was one of those statistics.

However, I also want to offer encouragement, as well.  The fact is that bipolar disorder does NOT have to kill us!  The disorder CAN be managed, and we can live a relatively normal life in spite of it.

I’ve had several people post about medications not working for them and, unfortunately, that can steal your joy in your life – until you get on the right medication and attain stability.  But for now, keep believing that you WILL eventually attain stability with your medications.  It may not be pleasant right now, and it may be a struggle, but you can master it in the future.  Just don’t give up hope for stability!

Many times, my posts are directed to others like me, who are stable and enjoy a normal life.

And so I ask the question, “Can you have bipolar disorder and still be happy?”

I know those people struggling with getting their medication right would definitely answer no, but I would offer this encouragement:  It won’t always be that way.  Many, many people with BP suffer at first with their medications, or even have to go on the “medication merry-go-round” for awhile, like I did.  But once they found the right combination of medications for them, they were able to attain stability.

And my life is a happy one now.  Now, I never said it was easy, it’s not.  I have to do the work to maintain my stability and my happiness.  You can’t control this disorder without putting some effort into it.

But I know me better than anyone else (except my husband) – I keep a daily journal where I record my thoughts and feelings, so that I can look back and notice patterns of bipolar behavior before an actual episode hits.  I also keep a daily mood chart that can help me notice mood changes as well.  Because of this, I am stable and happy, but I still don’t trust the BP, so I do the things I need to do in order to continue mastering it instead of the other way around.  Bipolar disorder is a sneaky disorder, and can come upon you if you’re not ready for it and the devastation that an episode can bring.

I have coping techniques that I use to keep me stable.  Like, I do crossword puzzles to help with the inevitable racing thoughts (whether in an episode or not).  I adhere to a regular sleep schedule.  I eat right.  I go to a bipolar support group.  My supporter (my husband) helps me as well.  He won’t let me have more than one “bad bipolar day” without making me get out and do something I enjoy to battle the depression that sometimes hits.

I’ve never said that things would be perfect when you’re not in an episode.  Far from it.  Even people without the disorder have problems – we all do.  In fact, in my journal yesterday I wrote, “Life would be boring without problems, wouldn’t it?”  Now that does NOT mean that I like them – I hate having problems.  But I do like how it feels when I’ve come up against one and come through on the other side.

And that’s what I say about depression, too.  That you can make it through it to the other side.  No matter how bad the episode, you will eventually come out of it and can be happy again.  If you’ve made your life a happy one, and don’t dwell on the “could be’s.”  It does not help to sit around just waiting for the next episode or watching for one around every corner.  Go under the assumption that you are not going to have an episode (but still have a plan of what to do if you happen to go into one).

I now fill my life with positive things, where before I was depressed all the time.  I do things I enjoy.  I have my dog for unconditional love.  My sons are grown, healthy, and doing well, and for that I am grateful.  I live in a humble home, but it is my home.  There was a time when I had none.  I have a used car that runs pretty good right now (thank You, Lord).  I have a close relationship with my mom, who also has bipolar disorder.  I am also very spiritual.  I have a great job working for www.bipolarcentral.com, where I get to work from home in a stress-free environment.  And I have a few close friends.

So, yes, I have a happy life in spite of my bipolar disorder.  It can be done.

The main thing is to learn how to master the disorder so that it stops mastering you.

Someone might say it’s easier for me to be happy, because look at my life.  But look at the elements of my life before you judge.  Look at all the effort I put into keeping it a stable, happy one.  Because you can have one, too.  It just isn’t going to be easy, but if you know that in advance, you can accept small setbacks when they happen.

This doesn’t mean I don’t ever lose sleep, or get depressed, or sometimes get a little manicky.  I do.  But I call those “bad bipolar days,” and I get through them the best I can.  One thing I do NOT do is to assume just because I’ve had one bad day, that I’m in an episode.

One thing I learned from my suicide attempts – something will change the next day for you, something will be different, and probably better.  Something.  It might be just a small thing, but had I been successful in my attempts, I never would know the joy I have today.

I also keep looking forward, and with a positive attitude, in spite of my problems and in spite of my bipolar disorder.  I always have something planned to look forward to.  Now, I’m realistic as well, don’t get me wrong.  The day I’ve been looking forward to may come and I may be depressed that day and not want to do anything.  Then I deal with that, or have a Plan B in case it happens.  But, again, I don’t automatically assume I’m in an episode.

Happiness, in my opinion, is a state of mind.  And we have just as much right to it as someone who doesn’t struggle with bipolar disorder.

Surround yourself with things that make you happy (I have my books and my porcelain dolls), and with people that make you happy (your supporter, friends, loved ones).  It’s much easier when you don’t have to fight this serious disorder by yourself.

It may be enough for some of you to know just that the possibility is there.  I wish someone had told me that I could be happy someday in spite of my bipolar disorder, because it was a real struggle for me in the beginning.  I just want you to know that yes, BP is a serious disorder, but you can get stable, and you can get happy anyway.  It just may take some time.

I have been stable for quite a while now, and definitely enjoy my life.  I will always have bipolar disorder (barring a cure), but I don’t have to let it rule over me or determine whether I am happy or not.

Wishing you peace and stability,

Remember God loves you and so do I,

Michele

One of the things I do to maintain my stability (and serenity) is to write in my journal.  However, if you were to read it, you would say it’s boring, per my last week’s worth of entries.

I, on the other hand, prefer boring to over-excited (mania) or depression.  And again, today, it’s just a regular bipolar day.  No high highs, no low lows.  The kind of day I prefer.

This does not in any way insinuate that my life is boring!  On the contrary, I live a very full and happy life being stable with my bipolar disorder.

It wasn’t always this way, though.  I’ve always kept a journal (since I was 12), and too many times it was full of chaos and accounts of my self-destruction.  That was before I was diagnosed, of course.

Before I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder, I was either hospitalized or institutionalized 5 times, had 5 suicide attempts and went through 5 (bad) marriages.  One of the worst things for me was that, in a manic state, I would get married, and not know what I was doing.  I was married twice the year I turned 19.  One was 6 months, and one was 4 months.  I wish I didn’t have to “count” them, because it’s rather embarrassing, but I was refused an annullment in both cases.

Most of the time I’m not embarrassed about my past, because I use it as a tool.  I speak about it as a warning to other people who have bipolar disorder.  And I use it to help people who are struggling. 

Today I am to attend a Recovery Workshop where I am one of the speakers for NAMI’s In Our Own Voice program, and I will share what I just shared with you, in the hopes that it will help someone else.  The main point being, that if I can recover, so can you.

One of the things I say in my speech, as a matter of fact, is, “My greatest success is going from someone who tried to kill herself 5 times to someone who can stand before you today happy with myself and my life.”

When I was young, mania was kind of a “high” for me.  I used to go off my medication just so I could go into a manic episode.  How tragic it now seems to me.  Because there was always that inevitable crash to depression, but I wouldn’t even consider it when I wanted to be manic.  I would conveniently “forget” about the depression.  Oh, but I paid for it later!

I don’t do things like that any more.  I like my routine.  I like the control I have over my bipolar disorder.  And “just a regular bipolar day?”  That’s just fine with me now!

Wishing you peace and stability,

Remember God loves you and so do I,

Michele

Hey, y’all –

I recently read the following Scripture:  “This sickness is not unto death, but for the glory of God, that the Son of God might be glorified thereby.” -John 11:4  and I think that this should be the Scripture for anyone who has a mental illness or supports someone who does.

Bipolar disorder is like any physical sickness, except it doesn’t go away.  But you do take medication for it, and after awhile, you do get better.

Now, I’m not condoning those who use their bipolar disorder as a sickness as an excuse for why they are the way they are or do what they do.  There, I think we need to take responsibility, and can’t blame our disorder.

There’s another Scripture that I use for my bipolar disorder:  “For I do not have the power of fear, but of power and of  love and of a SOUND MIND.” (emphasis mine).

It’s interesting to see places in the Bible that can apply to mental illness.

To me it proves the Scripture that says, “God is concerned with ALL that concerns you.” (emphasis mine).

Another one is “Cast ALL your anxiety on the Lord, for he cares for you.” (emphasis mine).

There have been times when I’ve been very depressed, and my only solace  came from the Bible.  To read that God is as concerned with my bipolar disorder as I am, gave me comfort.  As have those other Scriptures as well.

Too many people with bipolar disorder feel as if God has forsaken them in their “sickness,” but that just isn’t true.  He said, “I will NEVER leave you nor forsake you.” (emphasis mine).  He is still with you, even through your disorder.

I don’t know why God allowed me to have bipolar disorder.  I prayed for healing many times in the beginning, before I resigned myself to the fact that BP was going to remain “a thorn in my side.”

In the Bible, it says that Paul (one of the disciples of Jesus) had “a thorn in his side,” that he prayed three times for Jesus to remove it, but it never was.  And Paul went on to be one of the greatest evangelists of all time.

The Bible also says that “ALL things work together for good to those who love the Lord and are called according to his purpose.”  (emphasis mine).  ALL things, even our bipolar disorder.

Without my BP, I don’t know that I would be the writer I am today – it was just a dream I had.  But when I found www.bipolarcentral.com, BECAUSE of my bipolar disorder, I have seen my dream to fruition.

Why does God allow us to have bipolar disorder?  I think many times it’s because “Anything that doesn’t kill us makes us stronger.”  Of course, that one isn’t from the Bible, but the Bible does say “When I am weak, he is strong,” and “His strength is made perfect in my weakness.”

I know that my BP has definitely made me a stronger person, for what I have had to go through and what I have had to fight.

I know that my BP has made me a better person as well, because I am much more sympathetic to others with a mental illness or supporting someone who has a mental illness.  The National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI) says that 1 in 4 people have a diagnosable mental illness, so that’s a lot of people to whom my heart goes out.

Hopefully, through my blog, the website and my newsletter articles, I’m helping some people if in no other way than to give them encouragement.

Since my best encouragement comes from the Bible, I wanted you to have that encouragement as well, and that’s why I wrote this post.  There are many, many Christians that suffer from bipolar disorder, and in some cases, not much support from the church (some people have even had people try to case demons out of them).  But the Bible is the truth.  It is God’s written Word.  I hope you have received some comfort from it.

Wishing you peace and stability,

Remember God loves you and so do I,

Michele

Hey, y’all –

I have a girlfriend who has a mental illness, and today she posted on Facebook that she was boring.  I commented to her post, reminding her of when her life was a chaos because of her disorder, and to be happy with boring stability!

Many people with bipolar disorder do consider themselves and/or their life boring once they’re on medication for it and are stable.  They miss the high highs of their manic episodes.

I know, I used to be one of those people.  In the beginning, I was terrible at staying on my medications because I felt bored, and that things weren’t “exciting” enough for me, so I’d go off my medications just to feel that manic high.

But manic highs can be as addictive as any other drug, in my opinion.  And just like the addict who is thinking only of himself/herself and that next “buzz,” so someone who deliberately goes into manic episodes can be.  That’s the way I was.

When I wanted to get “manic high,” I would always forget the inevitable CRASH into a bipolar depression afterwards.  And then I would vow to stay on my medications, because boring was better than the chaos of my manic episodes.

At least when you’re stabilized on medication, you don’t have the “I wonders” of what you did during your last episode.  And you don’t have to pay consequences for them, either.

You have to look at it as a “quality of life” kind of thing.  Yes, the truth is that sometimes I get bored.  But even people who don’t take medication for bipolar disorder sometimes get bored.  It’s up to you to get “un-bored.”

But as a person, I don’t consider myself boring.  In fact, because of being stable on meds, I can pretty much carry on a conversation (a rational conversation) with just about anyone.  I don’t have to worry that I’m talking too much or too fast or jumping from subject to subject.

What I like about being stable on bipolar medications is the basic predictability of my life, compared with the chaotic life I lived before.  I have the life I wanted now.

I am very happily married, I have a job that I love, 3 grown children with whom I have great relationships, parents who are still alive, a beautiful home, and, of course, my dog Princess who gives me unconditional love whenever I need it.

To tell you the truth, I do NOT miss the drama that my life was before medication made me stable.  I like knowing I am in control of myself and my life.  I think it’s up to YOU if your life is boring being on bipolar meds or not.  You have the power to change it.

I believe that our quality of life depends on ourselves.  Being stable on medication ensures that I am the one in control, not the bipolar disorder.  I can do anything I want, go anywhere I want to, and be who I am. 

Sometimes boring days are some of my favorite days — I pick up a good book or watch a good movie, or talk to someone, and I’m not bored any more!

If you feel bored (or boring) because of being on bipolar medication – like I told my girlfriend, just remember when your life was full of drama and chaos before you were on it, and be grateful for boredom!

Wishing you peace and stability,

Remember God loves you and so do I,

Michele

Hey, y’all –

This is Suicide Awareness Week, and it made me think again of my unsuccessful suicide attempts (thank God I survived) as well as my sister’s unfortunately successful suicide attempt.

I am so grateful for my life today.  It is so very much different than before.  No more out-of-control behavior.  No more deep, dark, pain-filled depressions.  No more impulsive spending and other problems from manic episodes.

Because I am on such good medication, practice healthy habits (physically and emotionally), see my therapist, have a strong support system, and keep my life as stress-free as possible, I am able to live a normal life.  It’s so good to be in control of this devastating disease.

My sister, Deb, was the greatest girl in the world.  I almost worshipped her – she had solutions to everything I always struggled with.  I envied her business success as well.  She had started a business from the ground up, from home, and built it till it became an international success. 

Deb was so energetic, so motivated, so inspirational, that it couldn’t help but leak onto anyone around her.  And she was kind and loving.  So very loving.

My sister, Deb, was my best friend in the whole world.

But my sister also had bipolar disorder and, after convincing herself that she was “fine,” she went off her medications.  A few months later she took a gun and killed herself.

When Deb died, a part of me died with her.  I used to call her “the twin of my heart” because we were separated by 3 yrs officially, but in every other way we were twins.  I couldn’t believe how devastated I was.  But I did NOT go into an episode.

I had to suffer through the grief of losing a loved one, just like anyone else, bipolar or not.  I suffered pain, agony, loss, and yes, depression.

And anger.  I was so angry, because I couldn’t stop my sister’s suicide.  I was so angry, because I wasn’t there with her.  I was so angry, because I never got to say goodbye.  I was so angry, and still am, because MY SISTER DID NOT HAVE TO DIE!  If she had stayed on her bipolar medications, she would still be alive today, still my best friend, the one who I could turn to and count on for everything.

A part of me died with my sister’s death.  But the biggest part of me resolved to never again even consider suicide (I had previously made 5 attempts), because of the pain of my sister’s.  The loss was of devastating proportions.

I know that my sister killed herself because she was in pain.  I know that she committed suicide because, at the time, she was not thinking rationally, and couldn’t see another way out.  I know that my sister was only thinking about herself and her pain and confusion, and could not see past it to realize how much her death would hurt the ones she loved.

With bipolar disorder does come the propensity for suicidal thoughts.  But we can CHOOSE how we react to them.  We do not have to believe the suicidal ramblings of an irrational mind.  We can have safeguards in place.  Plans of what to do if we ever feel suicidal.

But if you have thought of dying, of suicide, I have this to say to you – GET HELP!  Don’t do to your loved ones what my sister did to me.  I still miss her grieviously every single day, and it’s been 5 years now.

YOU ARE NOT ALONE!  Other people with bipolar disorder have thought of killing themselves, too.  But they didn’t do it, and many, many people are now living happy, successful, productive lives because of it.  Yes, it’s hard.  It’s hard to live with a mental illness that tries to kill you.  But you have self-will, and that will can make you stronger than your disorder.  You can stay alive and find release from your pain if you just fight against those irrational suicidal thoughts.

I am very passionate about this subject, as you can tell.  I know now, in looking back, that every time I considered suicide (many more times than I actually attempted it), the solution to my problems was right around the corner.

I am one of the lucky ones, and I’m grateful. 

Now I’m asking those of you who are like me, who have survived suicidal thoughts and/or attempts, to post on here to those people who are struggling with suicide right now.  Tell your story.  It will help them to know they’re not alone, at the very least.  Please help me to help them.

Wishing you peace and stability,

Remember God loves you and so do I,

Michele

Hey, y’all –

A friend of mine is a nurse, and we were talking this morning about how she’s seeing so many people getting the Swine Flu and ending up on ventilators, fighting for their lives.  It reminded me that my life is so precious, and I need to make the most of each day, bipolar or not.

Yes, our lives are different because we do have bipolar disorder, but we can still make them count.  We are still some of the most creative and intelligent people around, and we can be productive with our lives.

Self-pity never got anyone anywhere.  I know, because I was the queen of self-pity when I first got diagnosed.  I thought my life was never going to be good again. 

Bipolar disorder can be so overwhelming sometimes.  Our moods can change as quickly as the seasons, and sometimes we don’t seem to have any control over it.

Medication and therapy do help, but the rest is up to us.  WE are the ones who have to manage our own disorder.

That’s why I’m saying we have to make the most of each day, because who knows if today will be the day that you go into the next bipolar episode?  I am grateful for every single day that I go without an episode, remembering how awful they are.

My life is very simple now.  No drama.  No chaos.  Because I found out that those are triggers to bipolar episodes.  I have to keep my life as stress-free as is humanly possible.  It’s unrealistic to expect NO stress at all, but I do my best to avoid it.

Making the most of each day is very important for me.  I have to feel productive each day, as that feeds into my self-esteem and how good I feel about myself.  Without my job, I think the bipolar disorder would rob me of my peace and sense of worth.

There was a time when it did exactly that.  I was so depressed all the time that I didn’t even want to live any more.  I could hardly get out of bed, and many times I just didn’t.  I had a very negative view, and just couldn’t see things getting any better.  At that time, my disorder was such a struggle for me.

But I want to encourage you — things DO get better over time.  My life settled into a routine, I got a great job where I can work from home (and help other people at the same time), I was able to regain relationships I had lost due to episodes, and I am healthier – physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually.

I know that I’m not alone any more.  When I first was diagnosed, I didn’t know what would happen to me.  When they told me there was no cure for bipolar disorder, I thought I was going to die from it.  Actually, I almost did, several times, before I got it under control.

When I compare my life today to the way it was back then, there is no comparison.  It’s like night and day.

The depressions always felt so dark and empty.  And I felt so alone.  I never thought anyone else could ever feel as bad as I did.  I was in so much pain.  I ended up in the hospital several times for suicide attempts (thank God none of them were successful), because I couldn’t see any end to my pain.

But I ended up in the hospital where I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder, and that gave me a lot of answers to things I had wondered about.  I was more than just a “moody person.”  It was a symptom.  And I had a name for what was wrong with me.

Not that I liked having something wrong with me, but by finally having the right diagnosis, I was able to get help.  I got on the right medications and they are keeping me stable.  I also have a great doctor, psychiatrist, and therapist that I depend upon to keep me “whole.”  And then, of course, I have my husband, my greatest supporter, as well as other supporters.  Like I said, I’m not alone any more.

I share openly about my bipolar disorder when I speak for NAMI’s In Our Own Voice program, and try to give hope to others struggling with this sometimes devastating disorder.

My days are peaceful now.  And I do make the most of them.  No longer in fear of that next episode, but strong in the management of the disorder. 

There’s a saying:  “If you keep on doing what you’re doing, you’ll keep on getting what you’re getting.”

Because of accepting my disorder and making the changes I had to make to cope with it, I enjoy many good, productive, stress-free days.  My life is orderly now, and I definitely enjoy being stable.

As far as making the most of each day goes, if I can even help one other person, then it’s a good day.

And every day without an episode is a very good day.

Wishing you peace and stability,

Remember God loves you and so do I,

Michele

Hey, y’all –

No, you didn’t read it wrong.  You CAN have peace and bipolar disorder at the same time.

God said He would give us the “peace that passeth all understanding.”  I don’t understand how I can have peace yet still deal with bipolar disorder, but I do.  That’s probably the “that passeth all understanding” part of the Scripture.

There are things that are not under our control, but if we give them to God, we can have peace about them.  There’s a saying that “God is bigger than my problems,” and that’s usually what comes to my mind when I’m struggling with something.  It helps to know that I don’t have to do it all by myself.

I have peace in spite of my bipolar disorder.  But it isn’t easy.  I still have to do all the things that help me stay stable, like having a peaceful lifestyle.  I avoid the triggers I know I have (stress being the biggest one), I have a strong support system, I keep a mood chart, and I write in my journal faithfully.

Writing definitely gives me peace.  I don’t have to worry about spelling or grammar, just putting my thoughts and feelings down on paper.  And looking back on older entries assures me that I am in recovery from bipolar disorder.  My journal shows me growth and progress.

Peace for me also comes from an orderly life.  No more drama or chaos.  I avoid toxic people, places, and things.  My serenity and sanity are of prime importance to me, and I do what I can to protect them.  I also keep a routine.

There isn’t a whole lot you can count on in life, so keeping a routine helps me to manage my bipolar disorder by being predictable and controllable.  Of course, there still needs to be room for flexibility.

But I do protect my peace at all costs.  As long as I keep my eyes upward and my life in the right direction (including control over my bipolar disorder), I can maintain that peace.

The Bible also says that “God is no respecter of persons.”  That means that what He’s done for me, He can do for you as well.  You CAN have peace with bipolar disorder.

My medications help me the most.  It took awhile to get on the right ones, but what I am on now keeps me stable.  I also see a therapist every other week, which keeps my head on straight.

Bipolar disorder is not something that cannot be overcome.  You can learn to live in peace with it.  But you have to find that peace within yourself.

Mostly, you need to avoid those things that cause you stress and anxiety and “steal” your peace.

The more peaceful you are, the less you will have episodes.  So isn’t it worth it?

Wishing you peace and stability,

Remember God loves you and so do I,

Michele