Bipolar Survivor

There are times when I wish I just did not have bipolar disorder at all, but most of the time I am realistic and realize that I have this mental illness and have to live with it for the rest of my life. 

Knowing this, I do whatever I have to do manage my disorder and live a relatively normal, stable, happy, and successful life.

That means that I do what my doctor, psychiatrist, and therapist tell me to do.  I also listen to my supporter, my husband, as he seems, usually, to have a better perspective on me and my behavior than I do.  Especially when it comes to exhibiting bipolar symptoms.

But I also have to take care of my bipolar self.

That means I have to take care of that inner part of me that depends on only me.

I know myself best.  When I am trending down to the depressed end, I may not always know what put me there, but I can usually figure out how to get myself out from there.

First of all, I need an attitude change.  I can’t just give in to the depression, or it will worsen.  So I have to make myself get positive. 

I think about all the other times that I’ve been here before, and I think to myself, “I’ve been here before and got through it, I’ll get through this as well.”

Or I’ll think, “Hey, things could be worse.  Things could be a LOT worse than this.  This isn’t so bad at all.”  Believe it or not, that actually does cheer me up sometimes.

And thinking about others helps me.  I work writing for a bipolar website, and I will try to work when I’m feeling sorry for myself, because in listening to these other people’s stories, I find that mine is not so bad in comparison. 

There is always someone who is worse off than you are.  And self-pity is NOT a luxury that someone with bipolar disorder can afford.  It can take you right into a bipolar depressive episode, and you don’t want to go there, not if you can help it.  So put away the self-pity.

Try to do something you enjoy.  Something that will make you feel better. 

Watch a funny movie.  Read an amusing book (I read books by Janet Evanovich – she cracks me up!).  Get with some friends, or at least one friend, and do something that gets you out of the house (and out of your own head).  Go bowling.  Go to the library.  Go to the park.  Go to the public pool (if it’s warm enough).  Go to a museum or art gallery.  Spend some time with your family.

Whatever you choose to do, make sure that it is enjoyable, and soon you will find that cover of darkness and depression lifting from you!

Wishing you peace and stability,

Remember God loves you and so do I,

Michele

As children, many of us hated doing what our parents told us what to do, even when they told us it was for our own good.  Now, with bipolar disorder, we have doctors, psychiatrists, and therapists doing the same thing.  They tell us what to do, and tell us it’s for our own good as well.

We’re told that we need to take medication, every day, and as prescribed, for the rest of our lives, if we’re going to keep our disorder under control.  We want to control those symptoms, so we have to do what they say (or else).  Never mind what we really want to do (who of us wants to take medication for the rest of our lives), we have to do it if we want to keep our bipolar and its symptoms under control.

We’re told that we should see a therapist for the emotional side effects of our disorder – that he/she can help us deal with the issues surrounding our disorder.  And that we should keep regular appointments, usually every week or every two weeks.  Again, we do this because we want to keep our bipolar and its symptoms under control.

We’re told that we should eat a healthy diet and exercise, basically keep our physical selves healthy, as that will help keep our minds healthy as well.  Well, I don’t know about you, but I hate eating “rabbit food” all the time.  And exercise isn’t one of my favorite things to do, either.  But I do them both, because I am adamant about keeping my bipolar and its symptoms under control.

We’re told to keep to a regular sleep schedule – eight to nine hours of uninterrupted sleep every night, going to bed at the same time and waking up at the same time every day, because lack of sleep or a disrupted sleep pattern can be a trigger to a bipolar manic episode.  Now, this I’ve experienced firsthand, and don’t want to go back there, so I definitely keep to a good sleep schedule.

We’re told to take care of ourselves in other ways, too – to keep a balance between physical, mental, emotional and spiritual well being.  And that we must do to keep a healthy self and a healthy mind – again, to keep our bipolar disorder under control.  So we do whatever we must do to keep that balance.  It’s different for everyone, since each of us is different – whatever works, as long as you do it.

We’re also told to keep as stress free a life as possible, which sometimes isn’t so easy, but still we have to do it if we’re going to avoid those bipolar episodes.  We can practice meditation, tai chi, relaxation exercises, stress reduction exercises, listen to soothing music, do crossword puzzles… again, whatever works (we’re all different, remember) – as long as it keeps that bipolar episode away. 

Stress can definitely bring on a bipolar episode if you’re not careful.  And this is something else I know about firsthand (and do not want to experience again).  So do whatever it takes to keep your stress levels to a minimum.

We may not like to do “what they say,” but we must willingly do it if it keeps us out of a bipolar episode, and as long as it keeps us stable.  We must do whatever is within our means to do, like take our medication regularly and as prescribed (for the rest of our lives), like it or not, just so we can maintain control over our bipolar disorder.

Wishing you peace and stability,

Remember God loves you and so do I,

Michele

There is an acronym that I used with my life in general, but that applies to bipolar disorder just as easily:  HALT.

HALT stands for:  H = Hungry, A = Angry, L = Lonely, and T = Tired

In other words, never let yourself get too hungry, angry, lonely, or tired.  If you do, HALT!  or STOP!  and take care of whatever you need to.

Some people can get mighty grumpy when their stomachs are growling!  They don’t calm down till they get something to eat.  The point is to never let yourself get to this point – eat your meals on a regular basis, and make sure that they are healthy meals at that.

Don’t eat junk food or unhealthy meals.  They won’t help you, and they can harm you.  Sugar, high carb and high fat meals will not only put weight on you, but can mess with your body’s metabolism and all kinds of things.  You want balance in your body so you can have balance in your mind.

You also never want to get too angry.  Too many people with bipolar stuff their anger until it comes out surprisingly in a bipolar manic rage.  Then they wonder where it came from! 

You need to learn to manage your anger as well as the rest of your emotions.  Don’t keep it bottled up inside, because it will just spill out and over at the most inopportune time and way.  Listen to me, it will happen, have no doubts of that.  You need to learn to manage your anger in a positive way.

Loneliness is bad for someone with bipolar disorder.  It can lead to isolation, and isolation can lead to a bipolar episode.  You really don’t want that.  So if you’re ever feeling lonely, reach out to someone.  Reach out to your supporter, and be honest – tell them how you’re feeling.

Reach out to other family members and friends, too.  Go out and socialize.  Go to a support group.  Go to church.  Go to a day center.  Go to the library.  Go to the mall.  Go where there are other people so you don’t feel so alone, anywhere.  Do anything to combat your loneliness.

If you get too tired too often, it can lead to depression, and depression can lead to a depressive episode.  You don’t want that.  You need to keep your energy up.  Eating right can help with that, and so can exercise.  Exercise increases your body’s natural endorphins, which naturally make you feel better.

Endorphins give you natural energy, too.  They can help you feel less tired.  Get the right amount of sleep, too.  Keep a good sleep schedule, and make sure that it is uninterrupted sleep.  Lack of sleep is one of the worst triggers to a manic episode.

Any one of these things being off kilter can throw you off, but if you have more than one at a time, it can be dangerous for your bipolar disorder.  Consider that the next time you feel hungry, angry, lonely, or tired.  Remember to HALT, and take care of yourself.

Wishing you peace and stability,

Remember God loves you and so do I,

Michele

There’s a woman I know who has bipolar disorder, yet she always seems to have the best attitude, no matter how bad the circumstances she is facing in her day.

One day I asked her about it, because I was curious.  She told me, ‘When I’m having a bad day, I just start my day over any time I want to.”

Huh.  I never considered that.  It seems too easy.  On the other hand, it seems like it would be a difficult thing to do if you’re having a bad day.  Just “start it over?”

It works for this woman, though.  She always has a good attitude, no matter what.

So I tried it.  One day I was having a really bad day, and I remembered her words, that I could start my day over any time I wanted to.  So I purposed to do that.  And it worked!

The things that were bothering me stopped bothering me, and my day definitely improved.  For a while, that is.  Then my bad mood came back.  So I started it over again.  And it worked again!  Apparently, there is no limit to how many times you can start your day over!

It all has to do with your attitude.  Like whether you’re going to let your day ruin your mood or whether you are going to change your attitude to change your day, and the fact that you do have control over that. 

I think that’s what the “start your day over” saying is all about.  That you have control over your circumstances instead of them having control over you.

You do have control over your attitude, I’ve talked about that before.  But this is a very specific way to do it.  You make a decision, in light of the circumstances surrounding you when they are not optimal, to change your attitude – to start your day over again.

This woman does it all the time and it works for her.  I’ve tried it, and it worked for me.  So the next time that your day isn’t going the way you want it to, try this method – it might work for you, too!

Wishing you peace and stability,

Remember God loves you and so do I,

Michele

When you have bipolar disorder, things don’t always go the way you want them to.  What do you do then?  More importantly, what do you NOT do then?

Making the wrong decisions and doing the wrong things when things aren’t going the way you want them to can lead to consequences you may not want, or not want to deal with.

You may even end up in a bipolar episode if you don’t deal with these things in a right manner.

For example, if you don’t like the way things are going for you, you may spin your wheels and do all sorts of things trying to change an unchangeable situation, and all that expended energy may lead you into a manic episode.

Instead, you need to accept things the way they are.  I know this isn’t an easy thing to do, because when we don’t like the way things are going, we naturally want to change them.  It’s just human nature.  But it’s not always possible.

When it’s not possible to change your circumstances, you have no choice but to accept those circumstances just the way they are, and not the way you want them to be.

In Dialectical Behavioral Therapy terms, it’s called “living in the moment,” or “mindfulness.”  You learn to deal with things the way they are, because you can’t do anything to change them.

Sometimes all the frustration and anger in the world isn’t going to change your circumstances, and unless you channel those feelings into something positive, it can lead to a manic episode, and you don’t want that.  You don’t want your feelings to get out of control.

The frustration comes from not having control over what’s happening to you.  So you don’t want to compound the problem by losing control over your emotions as well.  That’s the type of thing tht leads to episodes – when you are out of control.

The important thing is to remain in control of those things that you can, like your emotions and your choices because of them.  You may not be able to help the way you feel – not liking what’s happening, for example – but you do have control over the choices you make because of it.

You can choose to rant and rave, and waste all kinds of energy, accomplishing nothing.  Or you can choose to be positive, telling yourself things like, “This too shall pass,” and getting through the situation the best that you can.

Sometimes we all have to deal with negative circumstances.  But we don’t have to let them dictate to us how we feel.  We can control our attitudes and our approaches to things we don’t exactly like.  We can stay in control if we allow ourselves, and still make good choices and decisions.

We can choose to stay in the moment, even if it is a negative one, and keep a positive attitude, opting to stay optimistic and wait for a positive outcome, no matter what the situation looks like right now.  We have that choice, and we can maintain that control.  In this way, we can avoid an episode.

By staying in the moment, choosing to stay positive, keeping an optimistic outlook, and staying in control, we don’t let our circumstances dictate to us how to think and act.  And in this way we can avoid a bipolar episode.

You don’t have to like it when things aren’t going the way you want them to, but you do have to accept sometimes that there is nothing you can do to change them, either.  At those times, concentrating on yourself and your own attitude is the best thing you can do.

Wishing you peace and stability,

Remember God loves you and so do I,

Michele

It’s important to stay positive with your bipolar disorder, whether anything is “happening” at the time or not.  Many times you could still be making progress, it just may not be showing on the outside yet.

The important thing is that you keep a good attitude, no matter what.  You can so easily sink down into a depression at the slightest provocation, and then where will you be?  In a depressive episode before you look around!

Even if you don’t appear to be making progress toward stability, you could still be making small steps, you never know.  You need to stay positive.

For example, thinking that every day without an episode is a good day (because it is!). 

If you need to, remember back to when life wasn’t so good, when you were battling mood swings and bipolar behavior, episodes, triggers, etc.  Then compare it to now.   Things have got to be better now.  Even if only a little.

If you are not in an episode right now, be grateful.  Things could be so much worse.  Just think  – you could be hospitalized right now and not even have the freedom to be reading this blog post!  So be blessed.  You are free.

Any progress is better than no progress at all.  Think about how long it’s been since your last episode.  If it’s been awhile, consider yourself blessed for that, too.  It means you’re gaining stability.  You’re doing something right!

So keep your attitude positive.  You are on the right path, since you are on the path to stability.  Keep doing the things you need to do to stay stable, one day at a time, and those days will add up.

Then you will start to notice more time in between your bipolar episodes.  You will see that you are having more normal periods.  And the more normal periods you have, the more stable you are.

Enjoy that stability!  Be positive about it!  You are definitely headed in the right direction!  You are progressing, and you are doing better than you were before.  Pat yourself on the back, you deserve it!

Wishing you peace and stability,

Remember God loves you and so do I,

Michele

You may have heard the expression, “Just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean they’re not out to get you!”  Well, sometimes you can be too sensitive with your bipolar disorder as well, and think that people are looking at you and judging you, or stigmatizing you just because you have it, when that may not be the case at all.

I’ve thought that before.  I also have ADHD, and I used to teach English in a private Christian school, so I had really small classes.  Sometimes I would go off on tangents, and sometimes I would go really out there!  I could tell, after awhile, that I had done this by the looks on my students’ faces. 

They would kind of cock their heads, with this look of puzzlement on their faces, all scrunched up-like, and they would look at me real funny.  Then I would realize that I’d done it – I’d gone way off topic and gone into ADHD-ville again!

I know I couldn’t help it, because it’s just a learning disorder that I have, but still, I could have taken their looks as sitting in judgment against me and taken it personally. 

Then I could have gotten hurt or angry by it.  Instead, I usually made a joke about it like, “Oops, I did it again, didn’t I?” which would make them laugh.

That was my choice, though.  Because I didn’t want to be stigmatized.  I didn’t want to make a big issue out of my learning disability, so I made it humorous.

However, I can’t find anything humorous about bipolar disorder.  I take it way too seriously.  What I can do, however, is make the same choice not to let it stigmatize me – not to let other people judge me for it, and not to be too sensitive to other people’s opinions of it or me because I have it.

I am very open about the fact that I have bipolar disorder.  I have written a book about it, and I talk about it all the time.  Usually, I get a good reception. 

In fact, usually I find that either the person I’m talking to has it themselves or has a family member or loved one with the disorder.  At the very least, they know someone who has it.  So most people are at least now familiar with bipolar. 

That helps with some of the stigma of old.  With knowledge, the fear of us is lessened.  It used to be that people were afraid of catching our bipolar like you can catch the flu.  But people are more knowledgeable now, and not as afraid.

As long as we’re not symptomatic, the more usual comments we might get would be, ”I wouldn’t have known you had bipolar disorder if you hadn’t told me.”  At least that’s what I get.  Most people are surprised when I tell them.  That’s because I am so stable.

I think the more confident we are in ourselves, the more sure we are of ourselves, and the more stable we are, the better a picture we present of a person with a mental illness in general and of bipolar disorder specifically. 

The most important thing is stability – we have to take care of ourselves and manage our disorder so that we can be stable and symptom-free.  Not just because of what other people might think, but for our own sakes.

Wishing you peace and stability,

Remember God loves you and so do I,

Michele

My mom used to always have an expression, “Take it with a grain of salt.”  As an adult, I finally understood what she meant, and in dealing with bipolar disorder, I really knew what she meant.

When you’re living the daily ins and outs of bipolar, you really do have to take everything with a grain of salt, or everything will drive you crazy!  You’d be in the hospital every other week if you took everything so seriously!

That’s what taking everything with a grain of salt means to me, anyway.  To not take everything at face value, so serously, so black and white.  It’s black and white (no gray at all) thinking that puts people with bipolar into episodes many times.

We need to be more flexible both in our thinking and in our lives.  And, for many of us with bipolar, this is something we had to learn.  I know that I did.  I was not exactly a flexible person.  Actually, if I was, I was too flexible, and ended up manic.  So I had to learn to come out somewhere in between the two extremes.

It is healthy to be flexible.  It is ok to be spontaneous.  I know that is a scary thought for someone with bipolar disorder, because spontanaeity has so often been equated with a bipolar manic episode for us. 

But a little spontanaeity is a good thing, as is flexibility.  They add to the spice of life, and keep our lives from becoming boring – and boring, as you know, can take us the other way into depression (and a depressive episode).

It’s so hard, this fine-tuning of our disorder, isn’t it?  It seems like we can never just let down our guard and relax.  Ah, but we can. 

Yes, we have to work at it like a job sometimes, but as long as we have done our job, just like a regular job comes with its relaxing weekend reward, so does our bipolar come with times of relaxing rewards.

If you have done what you were supposed to do in managing your disorder, you should be finding long periods of stability, where it’s ok to relax, be flexible, and yes, even be a bit spontaneous! 

Try doing something fun for a change!  If you truly are stable, it won’t trigger you into an episode, and you might even find yourself enjoying the ride!

Wishing you peace and stability,

Remember God loves you and so do I,

Michele

I’ve talked to other people with bipolar disorder, and they agree with me – sometimes bipolar can seem like a job.

Alot of us are on disability, so we no longer work a traditional 8-5 outside-the-home go-to-work job, but yes, our disorder sure can seem like a job nonetheless sometimes.

It takes a lot to manage this disorder.  We have medications to take and to manage, for example.  I don’t know about you, but I have to manage about a dozen, not just for bipolar, but for other things as well, like hypothyroidism and high cholesterol. 

I have a big clear plastic container that I keep all my pill bottles in, then I have a daily pill dispenser that I have to fill up weekly.  Then I also have to do morning and evening pills, and keep those straight.  It’s no small task.

Then you have to be careful not to run out of your medications, either, so you have to watch carefully when it’s coming up on time to getting them filled.  And of course, they’re never all due at the same time, that would be too easy.  Just managing medications can seem like a job in itself sometimes.

Then there’s toggling all our appointments.  I see a regular doctor, a therapist, and a psychiatrist.  So I have to manage all those appointments.  And the doctor, it’s not just visits, but also lab appointments for blood work because of the bipolar meds that I’m on.  It’s hard to remember when I’m due for blood work, but I have to do it.  Just part of the management of my bipolar.

Then there’s all the other things you have to do to stay stable.  Like watching your sleep schedule (I know, I preach about this all the time).  It’s like how I used to watch the clock at work.  But I have to go to bed at the same time every night and wake up at the same time every morning. 

Not just that, but I also have to watch taking breaks when I’m working – I actually have to schedule in breaks, or I’ll forget to take them, and I really need to do that, or I can get stressed out.  That’s where my husband really helps me – he reminds me when it’s time to take a break.

We have to watch how and what we eat.  We need to stick to a healthy diet.  I just went grocery shopping today.  Because we live on disability, we have such a limited income, so we have to watch our spending very carefully.  So we look in the sale papers, make our shopping lists, and cut coupons every week. 

We go to 3 different stores (they’re within a mile of each other) when we go shopping.  But it’s a real chore!  Just like a job, we have to work at it to make the money stretch.

Now, watching for episode triggers and signs and symptoms of a bipolar episode doesn’t cost any money, but it does take energy and time.  It can seem like a job, too.  Some days it seems like my husband and I are watching each other like hawks for any signs of bipolar, because something is going on and we don’t want to be tripped into an episode.

Then there are all the other things you do to stay balanced – hobbies, social life, time with family, relationships, relaxation, productivity, spirituality, exercise, etc.

Put all that together, and I think you’ll agree with me, too, that having bipolar disorder and managing it correctly is like working at a job. 

But just like working at a job has its rewards, so does this.  If you manage your disorder correctly, you can enjoy long periods of stability without episodes.  So, in the long run, it’s worth it.

Wishing you peace and stability,

Remember God loves you and so do I,

Michele

Sometimes I worry when things are going too well in Bipolarville.  I get concerned that the next episode may be right around the next bend.

But then my senses come back to me and I remind myself that things are going this well because I’m doing things right, that I’m managing my disorder well, doing the things that I’m supposed to be doing and avoiding the things that I’m not supposed to be doing.

I don’t take it for granted, though.  Believe me, I am so blessed when things are going well in Bipolarville.  I’m glad for every single day that I go without an episode, remembering back to the old days, when it seemed like I couldn’t go a day without bursting into tears over something or other, or going off on another spending spree.

It really doesn’t take much to stay stable.  But one thing it does take is consistency.

Consistency is very important to bipolar stability.  You need to do the things that keep you stable every day, and don’t get complacent, or you fall into danger of an episode.  You can never stop being vigilant.

That’s happened to me before.  I stopped watching my sleep habits – started staying up later, losing a little sleep here, a little more there, and before you knew it, I was in a full blown manic episode.

Now I am very vigilant about my sleep schedule.  I go to bed at the same time every night and wake up at the same time every morning.  It may seem like a small thing to you, but hey – if it keeps me out of a manic episode, I’m going to do it, and I’m going to do it every day for the rest of my life.  I cherish these episode-free days too much to let anything happen to them if I can help it.

The thing about bipolar disorder is this – there are some things that you can’t control, like the chemical imbalance part of it, and the mood swings that result from that.  But you can take medication for that – that part you do have control over.

But there are other things you do have control over – like your sleep schedule.  So why not do what is in your own power to do if it will keep you out of a bipolar episode?

Wishing you peace and stability,

Remember God loves you and so do I,

Michele