Bipolar Survivor

A few days ago, the son of the woman upstairs from me was killed in a driveby shooting.  A senseless killing.  It has devastated our closeknit apartment complex.  You see, Jose was only 17.

The thing is, it’s not like we live in a gang-infested area, either.  This just shouldn’t have happened here!  That’s what’s freaking everyone out!  We just don’t understand it.  Jose was a good kid.  He was well-behaved and respectful to us adults. 

He kinda hung out around my husband and me, because I work from home, and my husband is usually around.  So when Jose needed a tool to work on his car, he would just borrow one from us.

My sons are grown and don’t live near me, so Jose was kind of like a son to me.  I miss him so.  I sense his absence. 

It took me days before I could go up to see his mom, afraid that I would break down in tears and upset her more.  Too bad, but when I finally did go see her, that’s exactly what happened.  I no sooner got the words, “I’m sorry,” out of my mouth before I broke down.

So what does any of this have to do with bipolar disorder?  Just this:  We complain so much of the time about the fact that we have bipolar disorder.  Sometimes we complain about the fact that life isn’t fair to us.  But Jose’s death kind of brought things into perspective to me.

How dare I complain about my bipolar disorder?  I mean, that should be the worst thing in my life, right?  At least my 3 sons are alive and well.  And at least I am alive and well, so what if I have bipolar disorder.  Things could be so much worse.  Think about this poor young man, struck down in the prime of his life, through no fault of his own - just wrong place, wrong time.

In all other ways besides the fact that I have a mental illness, I actually have a very good life.  And I should be more grateful for that life – for life in general.  I hate that it had to be a reminder such as Jose’s death, but I’m glad that today I am grateful for my life.

Are you grateful for yours, in spite of the fact that you have bipolar disorder?

Wishing you peace and stability,

Remember God loves you and so do I,

Michele

Yesterday I was feeling kinda down.  I just had a bad bipolar day.  It was one of those days where everything was wrong but nothing was wrong.  If you have bipolar disorder, I’m sure you know what I mean.  We all have days like that.  I just call them bad bipolar days.

The thing about bad bipolar days is that they are just that.  A bad bipolar day.  They aren’t necessarily bad.  I mean, it’s not necessarily the indication that you’re going into a bipolar episode or anything.  That’s what it used to be like for me.

I would have a bad bipolar day.  Just one.  Then it would be a week.  Then a month.  Then a full-blown episode.  I just couldn’t come out of it.  Usually a depression.  Sometimes I couldn’t even get myself out of bed, it would be so bad.  And it would all start off with just one bad day.

These days it’s ok for me to have a bad day.  I don’t jump to any conclusions and assume that the next thing I know I’m going to be in a full-blown bipolar episode or anything.  I know that I’m stable now, that I’ve worked hard for it, and that I’m ok.  Things are good now, certainly not like they used to be.

I’ve had to learn to accept that no matter how stable I am, though, and no matter how long it’s been since my last bipolar episode, that bad bipolar days are still going to happen.  At first that kind of freaked me out.  For some reason, I guess I thought that with stability would come perfect days.  So much for that, huh?

But stability does not mean perfection (perfect days), any more than we can expect a perfect life.  Even Jesus said that “In this life ye WILL have tribulation…” (emphasis mine).  He never guaranteed a perfect life, either.  So we will have problems, even if we are stable.  It’s just that we’ll be able to handle them better.

So we will have bad bipolar days.  And I do have them.  Just not very often.  And I just get through them.  That’s it.  I stay calm, don’t panic, don’t assume it’s an episode in the making… and try not to think about it.  I try to do something positive, like work or do one of my hobbies, be creative in some way, do something that I enjoy.  Try to get through the day as best as I can. 

The main thing is not to be negative, as that can turn me around and cause me to get depressed, and I certainly do not want that.  So, to stay positive, I dwell on positive thoughts and try to do positive things. 

There are some things we cannot control, like having a bad bipolar day, but there are some things we can control, like what we do on a bad bipolar day.  So I try to do the best I can do and turn it around if I can.  If not, I just accept it, and hope that the next day will be better (and it almost always is).

Does the same thing happen to you?  If not, maybe you can turn it around, too.

Wishing you peace and stability,

Remember God loves you and so do I,

Michele

Many people are dually diagnosed.  In other words, they have a substance abuse disorder along with their bipolar disorder.  I am one of those people.  Even though I have been clean and sober for over 8 years now, I still can never forget where I came from and what I am.

I had thought I was free of that compulsion to drink and drug.  That’s why I was so surprised when the other day, out of the blue, I was overwhelmed by a drinking and drugging thought.  It was just a thought.  A memory, actually.  Something out of my past.  Not anything I would do anything about.

Of course, I wouldn’t do anything about it today.  But that “thirst” was there, all the same.  And it scared the life out of me!  Just that feeling again, when I had lost that compulsion for so many years, and hadn’t even had the thought of a drink or drug for so many years!  Then this, totally out of nowhere!

It completely overwhelmed me, taking my breath away, and, like I said, scaring the life out of me.  To think, after all this time, that it could still happen to me.  The thought, I mean, not the action.  Because there is no way I would consciously take any action on a thought to drink or drug.  My life today, my sober life, my stable life, means way too much to me to do anything to wreck it.  That’s why I got so scared.

So what did I do?  I told someone.  I had been laying down in bed trying to go to sleep when these thoughts had intruded, so I went out into the living room where my husband (who is also in recovery) was watching TV, and I told him what was going on.  I asked him to hold me, while I told him the thoughts that were plaguing me.

I think just the sharing of those awful consuming thoughts was enough to dispel the fear that surrounded me at the time because after sharing my thoughts and feelings with my husband (my sponsor), I felt much better, and was able to go to sleep after that.

I have had no further thoughts or desire to drink or drug, and I have continued to be stable with my bipolar disorder. 

If you have struggled with drinking or drugging in addition to your bipolar disorder, know that you cannot treat one disorder without treating the other.  They both have to be addressed in order for you to get better.  I would say that they get better over time, but as you can see, no matter how much time passes, it’s still a One Day at a Time battle.

Wishing you peace and serenity,

Remember God loves you and so do I,

Michele

My mom has bipolar disorder like I do.  Her psychiatrist told her that her bipolar will get worse as she gets older.  Now, I’m not sure that I agree with that – but I’m not a psychiatrist, so who am I to argue?

All I know is what has happened to me.  I don’t know, but that I seem to have gotten better as I’ve gotten older.  Maybe it’s just me.  I know that everyone is different.

I know that in the first few years, I really struggled with finding the right medications for me that would stabilize me and my incessant mood swings.  So finding the right medications helped.

Then later, finding a really good therapist helped.  Over the years, she really helped me deal with some of the underlying issues that seemed to keep my depressive episodes from returning over and over periodically.  So, coping with those issues, I think, helped me to get better as well.

But I think, really, my age has something to do with it.  I find as I’ve gotten older, I’ve gotten more patient.  More patient in general, but also more patient with myself.  I don’t expect as much from myself, either.  And I’m not as much of a perfectionist as I was.  That takes a whole lot of stress off me.

I used to expect a whole lot from myself, and was a total perfectionist, doing things over and over again, wanting them to be perfect according to some sort of impossible standard I had set up for myself.  Of course, I could never meet that standard, so I would fall into deep depressions over and over again.

So… as I’ve gotten older, I have let go of those standards, and mellowed out.  I don’t expect as much from myself.  I also don’t expect as much from other people as I used to.  When I did, I always felt like they were letting me down.  I was continually being disappointed by other people and by situations.  I’m not any more.

So, because of all this, I’m just not as stressed as I used to be.  And I know that has something to do with my not going into episodes, too.  I think that’s what I mean by getting better with age – I don’t have as many episodes as I used to.

Being a rapid cycler, I used to go into more bipolar episodes than I could count, sometimes cycling more than once in a given day.  I just couldn’t keep up sometimes!  It was nerve wracking!  But things are different now…

Like I said… I have mellowed with age.  I don’t expect so much from myself, from others, and from life itself.  If I get through a day without a bipolar episode… that is a good day!  And I’ve had many good days, and for a long time now, so I am grateful.  Thank God for stability!

If you are still struggling with your stability, maybe you need to let go of some expectations of yourself and others (or even life itself).  Maybe you just need to mellow out.

Wishing you peace and stability,

Remember God loves you and so do I,

Michele

Sometimes it’s hard to see over the horizon when you’re dealing with bipolar disorder.  Sometimes it’s hard to see anything but what’s just in front of you.  I was thinking about that today, when I was thinking about my husband and his recovery from the major car accident he had back in April, where he almost lost his leg.

It was 5 days before we were to make our move from TN down to FL.  Everything was set for the move – all the arrangements had been made, everything we owned was in boxes and crates, and we were living out of a small suitcase and eating fast food, just waiting for the day we could leave. 

We never anticipated that something so tragic could happen out of nowhere.  It was like a bomb went off in my life.  I got the call and it just didn’t make sense at first – it was like it came through a fog into my head… I just couldn’t get it.  And when I did, I went into an emotional tailspin that I didn’t come out of for months.  Of course, on the outside, I was completely rational and sane, doing all the right things…

I became a caregiver overnight.  Not a role I was cut out for.  Some people are naturally nurturing.  I was not.  I mean, I was when I had my children, but I was far beyond my childbearing years by this time.  And here was the man that had been taking care of me, like a child himself, looking to me to take care of him. 

His recovery was slow.  I had to take my husband around in a wheelchair for months, in and out of the car.  Now, I’m only 4’10″, and he is 6’5″.  Not an easy task, to say the least.  And I was so discouraged by his seeming lack of recovery.  It was one of those times in life that I was talking about at the beginning of this post, where you can’t seem to see over the horizon.  Until his second operation…

He had joined me in FL and gotten a doctor down here, who wanted my husband to have a second operation, one that he assured us would decrease his recovery time by 6 months.  I have to tell you, by that time I didn’t hold out much hope, but I went along with it anyway.

Needless to say… there is such a thing as happy endings.  The surgery was successful, and only 2 months later, my husband is walking with the assistance of only a cane and, at times, without even that!  It is amazing how far he’s come since the accident.  And I’ve been able to relinquish my caregiving role (thank God, I was never very good at it, altho I tried) as we’ve gone back to the way things were before the accident.

Now I can see past the horizon to the sun shining beyond it, when I couldn’t before.  Sometimes, it is only in the looking back that we can see our progress. 

My girlfriend says that problems are just God’s opportunities to show that we really can make it through things we don’t think at first that we can make it through.  I will second that.  We made it through this.  You can make it through, too. 

Just don’t give up, and you too will someday be able to look back and see that you have actually made progress, even though you didn’t think so at the time.

Wishing you peace and stability,

Remember God loves you and so do I,

Michele

Boy, I’m glad for these days where I’m just coasting along… took a ride to the beach yesterday and it was nice.  Sun was shining and I’m grateful to be stable with my bipolar disorder.  No high highs, but no low lows, either.  Coasting along is just fine for me, thank you very much.

I remember when I would go off my medication just so I could feel those manic highs.  Gosh, I never realized how dangerous that really was for me!  The things I would get into – the consequences I would have to pay.  But of course, I would never see that in advance. 

And the people I would hurt.  Of course, I would never see that in advance, either.  I was only thinking of myself.  See, that’s the thing about bipolar disorder.  It can be a very selfish disorder.  It can get you only thinking about yourself, and how you’re feeling, and what you can do to make yourself feel better, in spite of everyone else.  And that’s not always good.

You don’t always take other people (or their feelings) into consideration.  In fact, many times it’s just the opposite. 

I know that many times, other people would try to tell me that my behavior was inappropriate, or at least that I was acting “funny,” and that maybe something was “wrong” with me… but of course, I wouldn’t listen to them and would do what I wanted to anyway.  Then I would inevitably get into trouble.

Now, I wish I had listened more to other people, who were just trying to warn me, or trying to help me. 

Today, in learning how to manage my bipolar disorder, I have developed a good, strong support system that includes my mom and my husband.  They will tell me early if my behavior is a little off, so that I have plenty of time to talk to my psychiatrist and get a medication adjustment BEFORE that bipolar episode has a chance to take hold.

Today I am stable because I listen to other people.  I don’t see their comments as interfering any more.  I know they’re just trying to help me.   I try to really listen to what they’re saying to me, instead of jumping to defensiveness, like I used to.

If you’re feeling like I used to and are resenting other people, especially those close to you, maybe it’s time to take a second look.  Try to see them as trying to help you, and make them a part of your support system instead of as a part of the enemy.  It can only help you in the long run.

Wishing you peace and stability,

Remember God loves you and so do I,

Michele

They say that people with bipolar disorder are some of the most creative people in the world.  I know that I supposedly was.  I mean, I wasn’t an artist or anything.  And I couldn’t do more than plunk out a few notes and some chords on the piano and guitar.  But in other ways I was creative.

I think mostly I looked at the world differently than other people did.  My mom said I was always doing things “before their time.”  I know I was making denim purses out of old jeans before they were ever a fashion craze in stores commercially, just for me and my friends.  That was pretty creative, I guess.

But creativity can also be used in problem solving.  That’s what I mean by the way you look at things differently than other people.  It’s kind of the square peg in a round hole thing.  Do you make the hole bigger?  Or the peg smaller?  Or leave it alone altogether, giving up?  Well, we with bipolar usually won’t give up, as we’re stubborn by nature, aren’t we? LOL

The thing is that if our first approach to a problem doesn’t work, we should look for alternative, even more creative ways, to solve the problem. 

One thing you can do is to brainstorm ideas – list them all on a piece of paper.  Don’t worry if they’re feasible or not, just list them all anyway, at least at first go around. 

Then go back through, crossing out those ideas that you don’t think will work.  What you should be left with will be those ideas that you can try to solve your problems.  Even if you only have one solution on the page, it’s more than you started with!

Try this idea, and see if it works for you.  It will help you to solve your problems more creatively.

Wishing you peace and stability,

Remember God loves you and so do I,

Michele

I have a friend who contacted me recently, saying that she is in a dark, dark place and asking if she could talk to me.  Of course, I said that she could.  But it brought to mind the dark places I used to go through, and how grateful I am today that I no longer go to those places.

It was a great revelation to me to find out that it wasn’t ME that took me to the dark places that enveloped me so wholly that I actually considered taking my own life at times – that it was actually something organic, something outside myself, something that could be controlled  by medication and therapy. 

What a relief!  What an epiphany!  To find out that I wasn’t to blame for the hardships and self-destruction that had plagued my life was absolutely liberating to me.  It was the beginning of the necessary reparations to my soul.

Truly, my self-esteem was in the pits, and I believe it was because of my bipolar disorder.  I know I can’t blame all my bad decisions on the disorder, but it did make me do things that I wouldn’t normally have done – like impulsively getting married during manic episodes (many times).

I definitely despised waking up to pay the consequences of yet another manic episode that left me questioning why I did the things I did?  I blamed myself all the time for poor behavior… risk taking behavior… impulsive behavior… very bad decisions, wrong decisions all the time… when it was actually the bipolar disorder and bad wiring in my head (chemical imbalance they say now) that caused me to act the way I did.

I envy those today who are diagnosed in their late teens and early twenties… who do not have to go through the things I went through before being diagnosed in my mid-forties. 

It was horrible.  I wish I didn’t have to go through all those things.  Many people today complain of being diagnosed with bipolar disorder, but look at the alternative – continuing the behaviors that come with the disorder, not having the understanding or explanation for the behaviors that a diagnosis brings?

If you have been diagnosed with bipolar disorder, perhaps you should consider yourself lucky, because at least you know WHY you have done the things you have done.  And now you can be treated for it, putting an end to impulsive and risk-taking behaviors that, probably like me, you wouldn’t have otherwise done were it not for the bipolar.

Funny to consider yourself lucky, isn’t it?  But consider the alternative – continuing to exhibit those behaviors with no explanation for them, continuing to have to pay the consequences… No, be glad that those days are over.  Better days are coming.  Believe me, dark days don’t last.

Wishing you peace and stability,

Remember God loves you and so do I,

Michele

There were times when I wondered, “Does bipolar disorder ever get any better?’  I had no one I could look at and say, “Now, they did it, so can I.”  No great shiny examples of recovery from bipolar to model myself after, no great white hope for me, I felt like I was left to struggle on my own for answers to sometimes overwhelmingly baffling questions.

So does bipolar ever get any better?  What at first seems like an easy answer may not be so easy to answer (I know, that may sound confusing in itself, tho I don’t mean it to be).  I can tell you that my life has gotten better since I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder and I went on medication for it.  Here’s what I mean:

Bipolar disorder wreaked chaos in my life.  Or, I should say, undiagnosed and unmedicated bipolar disorder wreaked chaos in my life.  The resulting behaviors (and consequences thereof) were sometimes insurmountable, making my life, in the end, totally unmanageable (by me).

I had to do something about it, finally.  I had to turn to someone for help.  I had no choice.  Truly.  Actually, the decision was pulled right out of my hands, as I didn’t even fully know what was happening to me when I was sent from work in an ambulance to the psychiatric institution where I was finally diagnosed with bipolar disorder.

Being diagnosed with bipolar disorder answered alot of questions for me.  It explained alot of things that had gone on in my life, things, like I said, that had led up to my life becoming totally unmanageable.  I mean, I could no longer even work!  That was the final straw.  I had worked my whole life, and now I couldn’t.  Something had to be done.  This just wasn’t ME!  So I found out what it was.  More than that, I found out that it was treatable.  Good news for me.

But would it get better?  That’s what I wanted to know, and that’s what no one would tell me.  I mean, it wasn’t like the common cold, from which you could recover and get over, symptom free.  No one could tell me I would never have another episode.  In fact, just the opposite.  They told me I WOULD have more episodes, especially as I got older.  Bad news for me.  Discouraging news for me.

But, in retrospect, (and I can only speak for me) it hasn’t worked out that way for me – I haven’t, in fact, had more episodes as I’ve gotten older.  I haven’t had an episode in a long time.  And my life is totally manageable now, with the help of medication, which I’ll have to take for the rest of my life, of course (but which I’ve come to accept, a reasonable compromise in turn for no more or seldom episodes).

So has my bipolar disorder gotten any better?  I would say that it has, with time, medication, and proper management.  That’s the best answer I can give you.

Wishing you peace and stability,

Remember God loves you and so do I,

Michele

Do you ever find yourself trying to just wish your bipolar disorder away?  Like, “I wish I never had bipolar to begin with, my life would have been so much different!”  While that is true, it definitely won’t help anything.  In fact, it would be better to think of it in this light:

In looking back at my life, I can definitely see where my bipolar disorder had a negative influence over most of the bad things that happened in it.  For example, I sure wouldn’t have gotten married as many times as I did had it not been for those manic episodes!!  Even though I regretted my impulsive decisions afterward, I was still stuck with the consequences of my rash behavior, and talk about consequences!  But wishing it away didn’t help my situation any.  I still had to pay those consequences.  And so my life went…

In college, it was impulsive, risky behavior that caused me to “lose time,” miss classes and miss work study so that I lost my financial aid and standing in school and have to leave halfway through my program of study in psychology.  Yep, I was gonna be a psychologist and help all those other people with their problems.  Talk about denial!  But I couldn’t wish away the consequences of that either.

So much… so much of my past that I wish was different.  I wished I’d married my high school sweetheart, I thought at one point… but then rationality took over and I realized that would have meant I wouldn’t have my children, and I wouldn’t be married to the wonderful husband I have now.  Boy, talk about taking things for granted.

But here’s the biggest thing to consider, as far as it being dangerous to want to wish your bipolar disorder away.  If you didn’t have bipolar, you wouldn’t be the person you are today.  Right!  And, believe it or not, that person is more intelligent, creative, wonderful, different, independent, unique, and individual than another person without the disorder might be! Did you ever consider that?

Also consider that your disorder has made you stronger than you otherwise might not be.  Think of the saying, “Whatever doesn’t kill me just makes me stronger.”  Yes, there were times that my bipolar did almost kill me (5 suicide attempts leading to hospitalizations)… but I am alive to tell the story, and I am stronger for it, never to make that mistake again. 

No, I no longer wish my bipolar away.  I still hate the fact that I have bipolar disorder, don’t get me wrong.  I would rather not have it.  And I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy.  It has caused me a lot of grief in my life.  And led to many terrible consequences over many years.  But it has also made me who I am today, and I happen to like who I am.  I have been able to help many people because of the fact that I have bipolar, people who might not otherwise have been helped, through my work with www.bipolarcentral.com and this blog.  So, believe it or not, I am actually kind of grateful for my bipolar.  I know that may sound “crazy,” but it’s true.  It has made me a unique individual in a position to help others, and that makes me feel good about me.

Now, how about you?  Still wish away your bipolar?  Then think about the positives.  It makes you YOU!  And you are a wonderful person, just the way you are.

Wishing you peace and stability,

Remember God loves you and so do I,

Michele