One of the things I do to maintain my stability (and serenity) is to write in my journal. However, if you were to read it, you would say it’s boring, per my last week’s worth of entries.
I, on the other hand, prefer boring to over-excited (mania) or depression. And again, today, it’s just a regular bipolar day. No high highs, no low lows. The kind of day I prefer.
This does not in any way insinuate that my life is boring! On the contrary, I live a very full and happy life being stable with my bipolar disorder.
It wasn’t always this way, though. I’ve always kept a journal (since I was 12), and too many times it was full of chaos and accounts of my self-destruction. That was before I was diagnosed, of course.
Before I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder, I was either hospitalized or institutionalized 5 times, had 5 suicide attempts and went through 5 (bad) marriages. One of the worst things for me was that, in a manic state, I would get married, and not know what I was doing. I was married twice the year I turned 19. One was 6 months, and one was 4 months. I wish I didn’t have to “count” them, because it’s rather embarrassing, but I was refused an annullment in both cases.
Most of the time I’m not embarrassed about my past, because I use it as a tool. I speak about it as a warning to other people who have bipolar disorder. And I use it to help people who are struggling.
Today I am to attend a Recovery Workshop where I am one of the speakers for NAMI’s In Our Own Voice program, and I will share what I just shared with you, in the hopes that it will help someone else. The main point being, that if I can recover, so can you.
One of the things I say in my speech, as a matter of fact, is, “My greatest success is going from someone who tried to kill herself 5 times to someone who can stand before you today happy with myself and my life.”
When I was young, mania was kind of a “high” for me. I used to go off my medication just so I could go into a manic episode. How tragic it now seems to me. Because there was always that inevitable crash to depression, but I wouldn’t even consider it when I wanted to be manic. I would conveniently “forget” about the depression. Oh, but I paid for it later!
I don’t do things like that any more. I like my routine. I like the control I have over my bipolar disorder. And “just a regular bipolar day?” That’s just fine with me now!
Wishing you peace and stability,
Remember God loves you and so do I,
Michele
Related posts:
I love this paragraph: “I, on the other hand, prefer boring to over-excited (mania) or depression. And again, today, it’s just a regular bipolar day. No high highs, no low lows. The kind of day I prefer.” My highs are never as high as my lows are low, but I still like to meet in the middle. I’ve been having them quite regularly, but there’s always a hitch. However, I’ve learned not to talk about those, so I won’t. I’ll just say lets have a regular bipolar day. They are certainly what I prefer.
Grace and peace to you!
Harold,
Thanks for your comment. It’s nice when you “talk” to someone who understands how you feel.
Yes, I agree — regular bipolar days are what we prefer.
Blessings,
Michele