Opening Post

I Am SO Mad!

I am SO mad! My mom is in the hospital with pneumonia and had a heart attack (she’s 80), so my brother and I have been calling the hospital daily for updates on her condition.

Well, I just got an email from my brother saying that the hospital called my dad asking us to stop calling them to get these updates! Like they don’t want to be bothered!

I mean, I realize the nurses are busy, but this is two calls a day (1 from me, and 1 from my brother), from her children that live out of state! And this is an 80-year-old woman, whose doctor two days ago told my dad that she only had a 50-50 chance of survival, so they made her a DNR!

All I wanted to know yesterday when I called was if there was any improvement. I didn’t want to take up a whole lot of this nurse’s time. I know she’s busy with other patients. But really, how long does that take? Two minutes? It’s not like the doctor is giving us any updates!

Ooh… I am SO mad! I used to be a respiratory therapist in another life (pre-bipolar), so I absolutely understand what nurses go through on a daily basis. But there has to be some compassion in a case like this, involving worried loved ones. You could take a little bit of time to give updates.

The thing is, my dad really can’t handle this, and isn’t giving good updates. He’s 82, has emphysema and has problems breathing, and can only handle going to the hospital to see her for about 10 min. every morning. And the doctor hasn’t been updating him, either. And he isn’t aggressive enough to ask the nurses what’s going on with my mom.

So here we are, getting updates by calling the nurses long distance, taking up two minutes of their time, twice a day. Geeze.

Here’s the thing. I know part of the reason I’m so upset is because I’m facing the fact that my mom could die. Of course, today’s report is better than yesterday’s, but still. If not this hospital visit, then maybe the next… but it’s going to happen.

I call her every day at around 3, but I don’t really talk to her so much as just listen to her. And she talks about all her “issues,” all the things wrong with her, and about going to see all her doctors, etc. And about the food she cooked that day, and what she bought when she went shopping. It’s all trivial things.

And when she asks how I’m doing, I always say, “Fine.” Even if I’m not. And if she asks what’s new, I always say, “Nothing.” Even if there is something going on.

I never tell her anything about me. Because even if I do, she doesn’t really listen. She very quickly turns the conversation back to herself, frustrating me to no end. And she’s very childlike. And she doesn’t remember what is said from day to day. Almost like dementia.

We have wondered whether this is dementia, but we don’t know. Her psychiatrist tests her, and he says it isn’t. But it is frustrating to talk to her every day when she is like this. I miss talking to my mom like she used to be. When she was my “real” mom.

But I do love her. And I worry about her. And I do NOT want to lose her right now. I want her to get better and talk about stupid, trivial stuff when I call.

Right now we’re just praying for her to get better physically and to stay out of a bipolar episode.

Wishing you joy and stability,

Remember God loves you and so do I,

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