Christmas is almost here, and it actually snowed this past week! I love the snow (as long as I am indoors), and hope it snows on Christmas. I’m actually a transplantee to Tennessee from Buffalo, NY. I know what snow is!
These days I’m just feeling blessed. Yes, blessed in spite of my bipolar disorder. You know, a lot of people get mad at God for not taking away (healing) their bipolar disorder. But I find blessings amid the struggle. In fact, the struggle itself is a blessing, because of how strong it has made me. I control my bipolar disorder - it doesn’t control me. And there is a pride in that, because it took a lot of work to reach the stable point I’m at today.
Because of bipolar disorder, I had to go on Disability (SSDI), and learn to live within my means, with a limited income. And because of it, I was inspired to search for work as a writer, and found it at www.bipolarcentral.com. Now I am doing what I dreamed of doing all my life. Writing is a gift from God, and I appreciate it every day.
I didn’t have many friends before I was diagnosed with BP, so not having many friends now is no different – I have a couple close girlfriends, and that’s it. Most of my relationships are long-distance ones, and we mostly keep in touch through Facebook. But I am married to my best friend. I am so blessed having Bill as my husband, as he is my best friend and soulmate. And because he also has bipolar disorder, it makes for good communication, unconditional love, and an understanding of me and my disorder that someone without it couldn’t relate to.
I have 3 wonderful, grown sons, whom I love with all my heart. Only the youngest has diagnosed bipolar, although I suspect the oldest has it, too. I hate to see them struggle – it tugs on my mother’s heart. But I’m still glad I had them and wasn’t scared away by the statistics supporting a hereditary component to bipolar disorder.
I believe that my bipolar disorder has actually made me a better person. I’m certainly more compassionate, both to others with a mental illness, and to their families. It’s not easy being married to, or caring about, someone who has bipolar disorder, borderline personality disorder, or any other mental disorder. I give my husband credit for helping me to stay stable this long without an episode. He always notices the signs quicker than I do, and we keep it from going full-blown.
I’m blessed by having such a good relationship with my mom, too, who also has the disorder. I’ve never blamed her for my getting it, altho they do say that it runs in families. But it is a common bond between us, even more than the mother-daughter bond we already shared. We help each other stay stable.
More than anything else, I’m grateful for my sanity today. It doesn’t matter that I have problems – at least I’m sane enough to see them and work out a way to solve them, rationally. And freedom from bipolar episodes has also been a blessing, because I’m not having to pay consequences all the time like I used to.
Yes, I am truly blessed.
Does that mean I’m glad I have bipolar disorder? Well, that gets kind of tricky to answer. I accept that I have the disorder, but I don’t have to like it. I’m glad that I have bipolar disorder instead of cancer, if you think about it that way. Things could have been much worse for me. I’ve learned to live and function well within my limitations, and that means that I’m a person who is in control of her life. You couldn’t always say that about me.
I feel so bad for those of you who are struggling these last few days before Christmas. This is the hardest time of the year for some people with bipolar disorder. I remember one year both my husband and I were very close to bipolar episodes – we were both so depressed, we decided to cancel Christmas that year (BIG mistake!). We just commisserated with each other on our pity pots. Didn’t do either of us any good, and was the worst Christmas I ever had.
This year it’s not like that. We are having a wonderful time in these days leading up to the holiday, and are excited to celebrate Jesus’ birthday later this week. It helps to be living such a simple, humble, sane, quiet life. And it is a blessing.
Wishing you peace and stability,
Remember God loves you and so do I,
Michele
