It sounds like you are someone I could speak with to get through the pain – anyway different continents, so I may also just throw this out on some blog to get some feedback – before my close friends and family start thinking am ‘losing it’…

I have been in the darkness of the cellars the last few weeks where I have thought the pain would never end – to add to it, I have been in a marriage prior to meeting a ‘dream girl’ with some sever BP symptoms who has been on the meds since 5. The marriage, which am still just not so sure on but need to work on priority – my wife of now 2 years – we were together for 8 years prior and seriously wonder about so many things i.e. is it right?

I have lived a hectic work life and there are quite a number of financial stresses that need to be managed – and then when I am thinking of feeling ever so down, work often takes my mind off things ,‘dream girl’ BP comes around – who I met at work 10 months ago – I have never really felt ‘normal’ my life in so many situations, but with my ‘dream girl’, I felt ‘normal’ even though I was riding a massive wave

Well, everytime I saw her I was happy, even though she would walk out the office in tears and talk about how nervous she felt and wanted to go back home – which is another country – and was just sad she would say – and then the next day all ‘happy happy’ she’d say…she has pushed people away and have heard the drama..saying she just needs to go and be with her family..the hate my job..the never having any money…truth is, i didn’t much know about bipolar prior this, and I sometimes wonder how much is further ‘pushed’ with people becoming fixated, and maybe even enjoying the pain and not believing a solution – which my ‘dream girl’ would often say she was confused as her ‘happiness’ was in her pain sometimes – may not make sense to some folk, but this was a cross she sadly bears…its very sad…like I feel…

Well, none of the rollercoaster issues seemed to matter to me, or maybe I told myself that, the fact was, i was getting caught up in it all – I mean she was there as I talked on my wife and mine problems, and every day we seemed to get closer – months down the line and we cant not see each other, talking about babies and basically going down that direction..

Anyway the kettle was really start to boil, both women sending me text messages they love me and it got to the extent I was craving so badly – I had to call it off, otherwise frankly she would be pregnant right now..

Anyway, a couple weeks now, my job came to an end and now am even had suicidal thoughts on a daily basis.
I called it off with my ‘dream girl’ and am told by people that is the best thing to work on the marriage..I just feel so sick, ashamed and alone.

Thing is, I just so want to be with her and feel happy for hours and then straight down…I have even started going to therapy but no-one seems to understand how bad I have got

I so want to just be with her – I read so many posts with the individual with BP calls it off…I have never really met anyone who I can look into their eyes and I see a reflection of myself – and beside her mood swings I so wish I was 10 years younger (and unmarried) and could just experience

I miss her so so so so much and feel so embarrassed because I have told confidantes people about my feelings for her in years to come I hope they don’t look at me as ‘the guy who strayed’ from such a loving concerning wife – I have told my wife that I am depressed only – whcih I have been and she is so supportive of me and such a stable person which BP ‘dream girl’ has really been honest to me and said she will never be stable – she did say from the start I would be up for a rocky ride, and like a typical Mr Fixit bloke, ‘yeah, no worries’…she just filled a major gap and plugged it so well, even with all her ‘baggage’.

I am also hating the ups and downs I keep feeling – I have stopped working and just feel i have lost my direction… I have in the past have had strong solid relationships with exes who are amongst my closest friends and have confided in them about this…I just don’t know even though my ‘dream girl’ and I had could ever be ‘friends’ in the normal respect because I would be scared I would be ‘drawn in’ – it’s like one almost craves – but it does leave one feeling instable – I do worry though that at the same time, her past, her severe addiction to drugs, her bad diet play a major role – she kept telling me she wanted to change and we would go for a run or so together – but its short lived, and words were short lived, as she #slipped# back into her habits to ‘escape and forget’ as she would say…

…at the end of the day, my ‘dream girl’ never asked for her issues, and she has cried in my arms she just wouldn’t want them, and just wants to be normal – I have felt her and witnessed her pain – I just so wish we could have stayed friends as such….it was the greatest excitement when we did the Myers-Briggs test and we’re ‘ideally’ matched

Anyway anyone, any hard hitting comments appreciative – I need to face this thing head on and get out of the dark place I am now….I have the mustard in me to get out..somehow I don’t want to and want to be with her, but…

And all the best everyone dealing in similar – it feels so good and you wnat to believe you can make it work and just want to support to the max – but like its said you cant change people they need to do things for themselves..and my ‘dream girl’ would keep telling me this, but always asked my help – some of the tasks I would think to be quite simply done, but would help out nevertheless because I loved her so much..she would thank me endlessly but to me, its just being me..darn this is hard…

..sometimes I just want to escape this ‘reality’…it makes me sad and I almost checked into a ward myself last week – I almost couldn’t take it anymore…I am just going through days where I am hanging in like and then out of nowhere half hour ago my heart and breathe goes like a freight train…terrible this…

Bestest

You are just as much a blessing to me as my blog is to you, don’t forget that. As I watch you overcome the adversity you face, it is an inspiration to me and the others who read this blog as well. You are doing so great!

Thanks for your comment, and keep up the good work!

Michele

I had to reach out recently for help because of a situation with housing on base that was getting very stressful and I knew I was at my limit of what I could handle. As hard as it is asking for help from those around me, I was blessed for going out of my comfort zone by this friend immediately dropping what she was doing and rescueing me. She knows that right now I get stressed easily, and as an honorary aunt to my children, wants me to stay off those meds as long as I can for the baby’s sake! But I wouldn’t have gotten help if I hadn’t let somebody know what I needed!

Thanks for reminding us of how to cope, and not being afraid to let us know when you’re having a hard time too.