Bipolar Survivor

Well, I’m still feeling great!  I take advantage of times like this when I have increased energy and a strong feeling of well-being, because I know that, realistically, it won’t always be this way, and things can turn around in an instant when you have bipolar disorder.

But it brought to mind that there are things we can do to at least try to stay on an even keel with bipolar disorder.

The most important thing is to keep your life as stress-free as possible.  If you have any toxic people in your life – people who are not supportive of you, negative people, people who bring out the worst in you, or even just rub you the wrong way – you need to get rid of them.

This may be more difficult if these people are family members, but usually, for the most part, you don’t have to be around them much, and you can cut out (or down) the phone calls in which you have to deal with them.

Remember that your stability with bipolar has to come first.  It might hurt some of the people you love when you tell them that you can’t have much contact with them because it makes your bipolar worse, but in the long run, you will benefit from it by increased stability.

Try to surround yourself with positive, optimistic, supportive people instead.  This will help you to be able to deal with circumstances as they present themselves to you, especially negative or difficult ones.  Know who your true friends are, those in your support system, and turn to them for help when you need it.

Try to avoid toxic circumstances as well.  If you know that you will experience anxiety and stress if you go into the mall, or if you have a penchant for impulsive buying, then you need to avoid the mall, or take someone with you who knows your circumstances.

If you know you can’t work full-time, then don’t apply for those jobs – it is just setting yourself up for failure.  You can only do what you can do, and with bipolar disorder, many people cannot handle the stress of working a full-time job.

Try doing things you enjoy.  Have a hobby, or volunteer for a worthy cause.  This will help your bipolar disorder as well as your self-esteem, when you feel valued for helping other people (and yourself).

Have things to look forward to.  Make general plans, if precise plans are not suitable for you (like you get too stressed the day of the planned event because of your bipolar disorder).  Just getting together with a good friend over coffee can do wonders for you!  Or take a long drive out into the country just to enjoy the scenery, knowing that just going outside is good for your emotional health.

Keep doing the things that keep you stable – like taking your medications, seeing your psychiatrist and therapist, keeping a good sleep schedule, eating a healthy diet, and exercising (even if it’s only walking).

Make a To-Do List each day – you will feel a great sense of accomplishment when you check items off the list.  Don’t make it too overwhelming, though – only what you can feasibly accomplish that day.

Stay spiritually fit as well, by attending church or synagogue (or whatever), or just reading inspirational literature, like my Spiritual Journey devotionals (hint hint!).

Do things that make you feel good about yourself.  If you do one thing each day that you don’t feel like doing (but is necessary to do, like the dishes or laundry), you will feel successful.  And then you can reward yourself for doing it! (Chocolate always works for me! )

By keeping your stress level low, watching who you hang around with, staying out of tense or even toxic situations, and practicing the other things I’ve outlined in this post, you should be able to stay on an even keel.

Do you have other things that work for you to keep you on an even keel?  I’d like to hear any suggestions.

Wishing you peace and stability,

Remember God loves you and so do I,

Michele

Yes, I have bipolar disorder, and yes, I feel great!  Of course, I don’t feel great about actually having the disorder, but that’s another thing entirely.  What I’m saying is that I don’t have to let the fact that I have bipolar disorder steal my joy – that is up to me!

Now, that’s not to say that every day is going to be perfect – it isn’t.  Or that things around you will happen just the way you want them to happen – they won’t.  Or people will be the way you want them to be – they can’t.  But, in general, you are in charge of how you feel.

So today, I choose to feel great!  It doesn’t mean I don’t have problems, because I do, but they are working themselves out.  I have some responsibility in the working out, of course, but a lot of times I can, “Let Go and Let God,” and not worry about things, which only adds to my general sense of well-being and happiness.

It also leaves me more energy to deal with the things I do need to deal with.  You know, those “extras” that always seem to come up and need attention.  Like when I forget something, and am scrambling at the last minute to find something I need.  That still happens.  But it happens to people who don’t have bipolar disorder, too.  We’re not different from others in that regard.

In fact, in my opinion, we pay more attention to detail than others do, and try even harder to do a good job in spite of our disorder.  We don’t want to be viewed as different.  In general, we are also more creative, and tend to look for answers “outside the box,” which makes us an asset to work, church, home, friends, and family.

So we should feel good about ourselves.  You should especially feel good about yourself if you are not in an episode today – that means you’re working a good program and taking care of yourself and controlling your disorder!  So, kudos to you, my friends!

If you are struggling, though, try to remember that “This too shall pass.”  You have been here before and survived it, and you will survive this as well.  Try to grow through whatever is happening to you, and remember that “All things work together for good to them that love the Lord…” 

That means ALL things – even the difficult ones.  You may not see a way out of things right now, but you never know when the answer will reveal itself.  You just need to be open to it.  Stay calm, and don’t let yourself get distressed or depressed.  Keep telling yourself that you’ve been here before and came out on the other side.  I know that one thought really helps me.

It’s hard to see the good when the bipolar shadow seems so gloomy over your head (and your life), but try to be optimistic anyway.  Don’t let bipolar disorder steal your joy – there is much in your life to be happy about.

Think about the good things in your life.  Are you relatively healthy?  Be glad!  Are your close friends, spouse, children and other family in good health?  Be glad for that as well.  Are you working, or do you have an income?  And are you living within that income?  Be very glad, as many people are not, and are struggling financially because of the economy right now.

Are you living in a warm apartment or house?  Be glad.  Many people with mental illness are still living on the streets because they haven’t gotten help.

Do you have a car that is drivable and not giving you any problems at the moment?  Be glad!  Many people are driving cars that are giving them problems, or affecting whether they have transportation or not.

Are you being productive?  Working a job or home business, or working around the house or volunteering your time to help others?  Be glad!  Many people can benefit from the good job that you do. 

Are you happy with yourself?  You should be.  You are a unique individual with God-given gifts that you can use to help others.  Think about how you do that.  You may not see the results of things like “random acts of kindness,” but someone will benefit from your help in the long run, whether you see the results or not.

Are you living “in the moment, one day at a time?”  If you are, you should be happy about that, as many people have not learned how to do that.  And it makes for so much more of a stress-free life when you’re not carrying all that baggage from the past or worry about the future.

Are you stable?  Be very, very glad for that!  And remember the times when you weren’t as stable.

Be glad for who you are!  Be glad for where you’re at!  Be glad that you are productive!  Be glad for being a help to others!  And be glad that you are a good example of a person with bipolar disorder.  You are an encouragement to more people than you know.

Be glad!!!

Wishing you peace and stability,

Remember God loves you and so do I,

Michele

Sometimes, if you leave a problem alone, it will resolve itself.  Things just have a way of working themselves out sometimes.  It’s not my situation that has changed, but my approach to it has changed.

I go back to my AA 1st Step:  I am powerless over people, places, and things.

I have no control over my friends or what they decide to do – but I do have control over my reaction to what they say and do.  And I hate confrontation.  So I will stay who I am, remain quiet about the conflict, and hope that everything will work itself out without a confrontation.

There are times when we will have to rise up against confrontations and defend ourselves, but most of the time, that isn’t necessary.  People are going to be people, and sometimes they won’t understand your differences, or your bipolar disorder.

You may even have to give up the friendship if it is reflecting bad on you – if it is causing negative thinking, causing you to doubt yourself and your stand on things, and especially if it is making your bipolar disorder worse.

There are just some people who are “toxic people.”  Toxic to you, anyway.  They can be a negative influence on you, and you don’t need that kind of friend.  You need to surround yourself with positive people who are on your side.  People who lift you up when you’re feeling down.  People who accept you just the way you are, and don’t try to change you.

We have enough to worry about with just managing our bipolar disorder.  We don’t need to be worried about attacks that come from people we thought were friends.  We need to work on improving ourselves and our disorder and, ultimately, our lives.

We need to stay away from disagreeable people, because they will just bring us down.  And you know how I’m always talking about being positive.  I mean that.  Negativity can cause you to get sick – I don’t mean just to go into a bipolar episode, but you can get physically sick as well – migraines, stomach problems, etc.  And we need to take good care of ourselves, so we need to avoid toxic people.

It’s harder when it’s a friend or family member, but the rules are still the same.  Stay away from toxic people, as they will make you sicker.  Try to get along with everybody, and avoid confrontations.  Yet speak up for yourself if you feel that it is your character or ability that is being challenged.  After all, we are not DISabled – we are disABLED!

Unfortunately, there are still people who will look at us as our disorder, and not as ourselves.  If that is happening to you, take it as sure knowledge that you shouldn’t be friends with this person.  Or, if you want to keep that person as a friend, you need to educate them about bipolar disorder.

Concentrate on your other, more positive, friendships.  Those people who build you up instead of try to take you down.  Who understand you and what makes you who you are.  People who are agreeable toward you.

And don’t even deal with those people who are trying to “push your button,” or have a negative influence on you.  We already have enough stress – we don’t need it in our friendships or relationships, too.

Wishing you peace and stability,

Remember God loves you and so do I,

Michele

Today I have to admit, I have a bad bipolar attitude.  Maybe if I didn’t have bipolar disorder, my attitude would be better, but, I don’t know, today I feel more sensitive than usual, and something is going on in my life that I’m not happy with.  So I have two choices – 1. I can keep my feelings to myself and accept what’s going on, or 2. I can speak out about how I feel, consequences be damned.

Guess which I’m going to choose?  I can’t afford (literally) to speak my mind.  I used to do that when I would be in a manic episode, because I never cared what people thought of me, and I was on such a “high” that what they thought didn’t matter.

But I’m not that person any more.  I’m more mad at myself today than anyone else, because I feel I have compromised by being who I am now, worried about what other people might think of me – specifically, that they wouldn’t understand what I’m talking about because I’m so round-about about it, not being forthright.

I’m mad because after all this time I still keep my mouth shut when maybe I should be speaking out about injustices.  Is this what society’s stigma has done to me?  If so, I am ashamed.  We should be so much further along than we are.

Still, it is my choice whether I speak up or not, and I am trying to decide whether to talk to this person or not about the way I’m feeling.  In AA we have a saying about “someone taking up space in your head without paying rent.”  Well, that’s what’s happening here – they don’t even know that I have a problem, but I’m obsessing over it.

On the other hand, we can’t keep our emotions bottled up all the time, especially not out of fear of what other people will think of us.  I guess I just started taking things for granted.  Now I feel like I’m being taken for granted.  Or at least my friendship is.  I would hope that we would be good enough friends that I could just speak my mind without recourse, but I’m just not sure of that.  Maybe at one point, but now I think I may have missed the opportunity.

I heard that depression is anger turned inward.  That would make sense today.  I am angry at myself for letting things go on this long, feeling like I’m being taken for granted.  I don’t want to lose the friendship, which is why I haven’t said anything so far, but now I don’t know what to do.

I advocate for mental health in the work I do for NAMI, and I speak out against injustices against the mentally ill.  So why can’t I do it on a smaller scale and be honest when I don’t think this person is treating me unfairly?  I need to follow my own advice, what I’ve told y’all so many times, about not letting others take advantage of you and to speak up.  But I just don’t know what to say, and I feel like the friendship is being taken for granted.

Oh well, I still have the AA paragraph to fall back on: “…unless I accept life completely on life’s terms, I cannot be happy.  I need to concentrate not so much on what needs to be changed in the world as what needs to be changed in me and my attitudes.

That’s the answer – accept this, and change my attitude back to a positive one.  Everything else will work itself out.  Anyway, thanks for letting me dump!

Any advice?

Wishing you peace and serenity,

Remember God loves you and so do I,

Michele

I had someone ask me if the weather could have anything to do with their bipolar depression (they were having bad weather), so I did some research on it.

Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) can be one cause for depression, as it has to do with the weather.  In other words, if the weather is cold and gloomy, someone with this disorder will get depressed.

But bipolar depression is different in that it won’t go away overnight, or even after a few days (and especially not just because the sun comes out).  Bipolar depression can only be treated with medication.  On the other hand, research does show that depression can improve if you have bipolar and you go outside into the natural light.

There is even something called Light Therapy that goes on that assumption, and many people with bipolar disorder claim that it works for them.

I, personally, find that my moods to tend to fluctuate according to the weather, although that is not the only factor, as it is with SAD.  My attitude has a lot to do with it as well.  If I am in a happy mood, it doesn’t matter if it’s raining or snowing.  But if I am unhappy, bad weather will just compound my bad mood.

If I change my attitude, however, and try to be positive and optimistic, my bad mood will change into a good mood, no matter what the weather does.  So I do have some control over it.

The point is what I just said – that you DO have control over how the weather affects you, in most cases.  The choice is yours whether to let a snowy or rainy day get you down.   Try to do something positive instead of dwelling on the negative weather outside.  Do something that you enjoy doing.

Like, in my case, I love a gloomy, rainy day, as I love to pick up a good book, climb into bed, and pull the covers up.  Then I read to my heart’s content.

Sometimes, if I’m feeling negative, I will write in my journal about the way I’m feeling, and by the time I’ve dumped all that onto paper, I find that my mood has already improved.  It really helps me to write everything out.

When it’s a real bipolar depression, like one that has gone on for days, I tell my husband (my primary supporter) about it.  It helps to know that I don’t have to handle it alone.  He is always there for me, and  he understands – so I don’t have to go into a big explanation or be defensive.  It’s nice to have that.

As for today, well, the sun is shining!  Which always helps when you have bipolar disorder.  I think it’s going to be  a good day!  I hope it is for you as well.

Wishing you peace and stability,

Remember God loves you and so do I,

Michele

Yep.  I’m feeling rebellious.  I don’t “feel” like having bipolar today.  I wish to be bipolar-free.  I said, I wish to be bipolar-free!  Good fairy, didn’t you hear me?  Ok, so I’m a little goofy.  But you get the point.  It doesn’t matter what we think, believe, want, or feel, we’re still going to have bipolar disorder.  There is no “Good Fairy” who will wave her magic wand over us and make our bipolar go away.  BUT…

We CAN be in control of it.  Of ourselves.  Of our attitudes.  It’s true that I don’t feel like having bipolar today.  But am I going to go out and get drunk over it?  No, I’m not.  Am I going to use drugs to mask my feelings?  Of course not.  Am I going to pig out like I feel like doing instead of eating that salad I’m planning for dinner?  I hope not.

The point is, just because we get stable with bipolar disorder, it doesn’t mean that we’re going to be “happy” all the time.  This is a struggle we’re in, and some days are harder than other days.  Just because we run into a bad day, doesn’t mean we’re in a bipolar episode, either - it just means that we’re human, like everyone else.  And everyone gets bad days here and there.

So am I going to go mad just because I’m having a bad day?  Nope.  What I am going to do is to continue to fight the dragon and take control of my feelings.  In this case, I have to make my thoughts control my feelings, instead of the other way around (I always got in trouble when my feelings overran my thoughts).  I can make good choices today.  I can decide that, although I may not be having the best day, I am still grateful that it is a good day, as any day without an episode is a good day.

It helps to be grateful.  Even if it’s just for the small things.  Like the sun came out today, after 2 days of being snowed-in.  I’m grateful for the sun today – it brightens my mood as much as it brightens the outside of my home.  I’m grateful for my husband, who puts up with my bad bipolar days, and understands, because he has bipolar too.  I’m grateful for that understanding, and the fact that I’m not alone, like I used to be.

And I am so very grateful for my sanity today, because I didn’t always have it.  Bipolar stability was a hard war for me to win, and I don’t dare take it for granted. 

I’m grateful for this blog, where I can share all my thoughts (even the crazy ones) with others who understand where I’m coming from, and are even sometimes there, too.  Maybe just one small thing that I say will help someone today, and for that I am grateful, too.  It helps alot when you take the emphasis off yourself and put it onto other people.  It also keeps you humble.

So, ok, this isn’t the greatest day I’ve ever had.  But I’m ok.  I’m ok.  I’m really ok. (There’s no place like home…there’s no place like home… there’s no place like home… LOL)

That’s how I have to believe.  That even if I don’t “feel” ok today, if I tell myself enough times, I’ll believe it.  And just hope that tomorrow will be a better day (I believe, I believe, I believe).

Well, here’s wishing you peace and stability, no matter how bad a bipolar day you’re having,

Remember God loves you and so do I,

Michele

It is a good day.  It is a good day.  It is a good day… Maybe if I say it enough times, I’ll believe it!  No, it really is a good day, because any day without an episode is a good day, but I just feel a little down today.  Do you know, I actually had to decide whether to write about this or not?  I still have that smidgeon of pride left in me, that seeking for perfection, that drives me to want to keep things sugar-coated so you wouldn’t know I ever got depressed.  Bunk!  If I’m one thing, it’s honest.  And it doesn’t matter how long you’ve been stable, you can still get depressed.

Ok, so I’m a little depressed today.  I can find no cause for it, so I must assume it’s just the dragon lifting its head and making its presence known.  Or the fact that I’m tired.  That’s the truth.  Did you know that fatigue and depression can mimic each other? 

It’s ok if I have a bad bipolar day.  That’s what I tell myself – actually give myself permission to have a bad bipolar day and take it easy, reducing that need for perfection.  I’m only human, and a human with bipolar disorder at that.  It’s ok if I’m not perfect, and it’s ok to have a bad bipolar day.  I wasn’t depressed yesterday or the day before, and I most likely won’t be depressed tomorrow (I pray).

How do I know?  Because I watch my trends, my mood patterns.  And I have no other symptoms of depression except that I’m tired.  And, like I said, bipolar depression and fatigue can be confused.  In fact, fatigue is one symptom of a bipolar depression.  But can you have one without the other?  You sure can.  I can be tired today, but not be depressed.  Not bipolar depressed, anyway.

I’d say it’s that I’m snowed in, but I like being snowed in.  There wasn’t anywhere I wanted to go today anyway.  And it looks so pretty from the inside out – from my nice, warm, home.  I did go “scrunch the snow” in my new (Christmas present) boots to check the mail, so I did get some fresh air.  So that’s a good sign, that I went outside.

Like I said, I have no other symptoms of a bipolar depression than the fact that I’m tired.  I don’t take naps during the day, though, as someone else might do or suggest for me to do, because I already have enough trouble getting to sleep at night.  Once I’m asleep, I stay asleep (even if a bomb were to go off!), but it’s the getting there that’s the problem.  I even take medication for it.  Some nights it doesn’t work, like last night, so I drink herbal tea.  Then I try again.  Melatonin helps as well.

So I’ll just go to bed early tonight, and that should take care of it!  Here’s to a better tomorrow…

Wishing you peace and stability,

Remember God loves you and so do I,

Michele

Today I had a really good day.  Of course, any day without a bipolar episode is a good day.  And it’s not like anything exciting happened – actually, just the opposite — but I feel good today.  I think because I’m feeling better physically, I’m feeling better emotionally as well.  I made a couple New Year’s resolutions and I’m sticking to them (so far) – to quit smoking and to lose weight.  I’ve now lost 3 lbs. and haven’t had a cigarette for 4 days!  Quit, cold turkey (no easy feat, I’ve been smoking off and on since I was 12 yrs old, and I just turned 52 on New Year’s Eve).

Ok, so now I’ve given my age away.  No biggie.  I certainly don’t feel as old as all that!  I started taking a B-complex supplement in addition to my regular bipolar medications, and I think that’s helping with the energy and good mood.  At least it’s been consistent for a week now.  Boy, I hope this good feeling lasts.

Well, the holidays are over, but I still have that “new year” feeling – like new beginnings.  Like I was talking about sticking to my resolutions.  See, I had stopped making resolutions, because I never kept them.  Especially the smoking – I had totally given up on that.  But I decided to practice what I preach to you all the time – about living a healthy lifestyle.  It’s no surprise that it’s the way to stay stable, but now I really want to, whereas before I did it just to maintain bipolar stability.

I guess I was starting to feel like I was in that winter slump for awhile there, but now things are better.  I still watch myself because, just because I’ve been stable for so long, that doesn’t mean that the dragon isn’t hiding around the very next bend.  I always have to be cautious and do the things I need to do to stay stable, sober, and sane, and to be vigilant in watching for bipolar triggers, signs, and symptoms of an oncoming episode, so I can head it off at the pass.

I would never want to go back to those chaotic days where I would rapid cycle and be in episodes bouncing me off the walls, I couldn’t keep up with them.  My hold on my emotions and moods was as futile as chasing a firefly in summer.  Too difficult to do, and things were out of hand.  That’s why I’m so grateful for good days – for ANY day without a bipolar episode.  I’m so glad to be episode-free!

But still, I feel bad about the people who write to me who aren’t as stable.  I wish I could give this away to every one of them, so they can know the great feeling of stability.  Granted, it’s hard fought, but once attained makes your life soooo much better!   I wish I could give it like a Christmas gift, tied up with a beautiful bow.  But all I can do is pray for you and share my experience, strength, and hope with you in the hopes that you will get something out of it.

Anyway, there really isn’t any news today – I just wanted to share my good day with you.

Wishing you peace and stability,

Remember God loves you and so do I,

Michele