Bipolar Survivor

Happy Thanksgiving!  Today’s the day we give thanks for our many blessings.  This is hard to do for some people with bipolar disorder if they are really struggling, unfortunately.  In that case, I encourage you to give thanks for the small things in your life.

Are you NOT in an episode?  That’s one of the things for which I am most thankful this day.  My stability was hard-fought and I try not to take it for granted.

Are you healthy?  That’s something to be grateful for.  If you have children, are they healthy?  Be grateful for that, too.

Do you have a house to live in and a car to drive?  In this economy, many people have lost theirs.  Don’t take yours for granted on this day.

Do you have people to love and who love you back?  That’s probably the greatest blessing of all.

Unfortunately, even counting blessings is difficult for someone who is depressed.

If you are depressed today, remind yourself that it’s just a temporary feeling – think of “This Too Shall Pass,” and try to stay as calm and as stress-free as possible.

If you are feeling manic today, it could be that the holiday has gotten you TOO excited, so you need to counter it with whatever you have worked out to do (like a Bipolar Manic Episode Emergency Plan) when you get this way.

Which brings me to today’s topic:  Watch bipolar excesses around holiday time.

It’s too easy at family gatherings, for example, to overdo the desserts, which gives you too much sugar at one time, and may aggravate your mania.  It’s also easy to overdo the food on Thanksgiving, since there’s always so much of it!  Just watch yourself, take smaller portions, and try to keep the sweets to a minimum, as well as the caffeine.

If you know you’re going to be around a lot of people today and that makes you nervous, find a place to sit and stay there.  Or, if you need to, leave the event early.

Some families don’t get along when they’re all together for the holidays.  My best advice there is just to stay out of the family politics – you can’t afford any stress or anxiety, and you don’t need the aggravation.

I was a good girl this year at my husband’s grandmother’s house for Thanksgiving brunch.  I actually followed my own advice!

I’m having a Happy Thanksgiving, and I hope you are, too. 

Wishing you peace and stability,

Remember God loves you and so do I,

Michele

I had someone ask me if people with bipolar disorder feel guilty.  At first, I thought, “Of course! ” meaning that we’re just like people who don’t have bipolar disorder, experiencing all the same feelings in the same way.

But then I thought about it.  No, we don’t necessarily experience feelings the same way that people without the disorder experience them.  Many times our feelings are exaggerated in their intensity.

For example, depression for us goes beyond simple sadness.  It can affect our thoughts (emotionally), our minds (mentally), and even our bodies (physically).

In a bipolar depression, some people increase their sleep, not even wanting to get out of bed.  It’s a “not worth it” thing or, at worst, an “I wish I could die thing.”  This is much different than simple sadness or a simple one-day depression that someone without bipolar disorder would have.

Our “high” moods are exaggerated as well.  Someone without BP might be excited right now about the holidays, for instance.  But it’s a normal excitement, and their behavior does not get out of control.  Whereas, for us, we can get TOO excited, and it will trip us into a bipolar manic episode (which is particularly bad around Christmas because of the spending/over-spending of money on presents).

So, to the question:  Do people with bipolar disorder feel guilty?

I believe that in our “normal” state, yes, we do feel guilty if we’ve done something wrong, such as inadvertently hurting our supporter or someone else.

However, in a bipolar episode, all bets are off.  Because of the difference in processing thoughts and feelings, it is very possible to do something and not feel guilty about it.

For example, impulsivity kicks in when we have a bipolar manic episode.  We may spend money on a charge card, yet not think about the bill that will come later.  So there is no guilt, but it’s because of the episode, and the bipolar disorder itself manifesting this lack of guilt.  Later on, when the credit card statement comes in, once we’re past the episode, we can feel guilty about the money we’ve spent (especially if we couldn’t afford what we bought).

When in an episode, we become very self-centered, and may not feel guilt over our behavior.  Sometimes, in a manic episode, we might get agitated and irritable instead of what I call “happy-happy-joy-joy.”  In that case, we may fight with our supporters and have no guilt if we hurt their feelings.  Of course, this is not normal behavior for us, but in an episode we are capable of many undesirable things.

Later, however, after the episode is over, if someone tells us that we hurt them while we were in the episode, we might feel guilty for hurting them, whether we remember the incident or not.

The point is that yes, we can feel guilt.  We can feel the whole gamut of emotions, just like someone who doesn’t have bipolar disorder.  However, in a bipolar episode, all bets are off.  We may not even be aware of our behavior toward others (or ourselves), and therefore may not react “normally.” 

Bipolar disorder, at its worst, can damage our emotional well-being.  During an episode, our thoughts and feelings may be out of balance, throwing us and our supporters “off.”  Some of our thinking may not even be rational, if the episode is bad enough.

So the key is to stay balanced and to keep our bipolar disorder (and ourselves) under control.  We  can learn (sometimes with the help of our therapist) to manage our emotions correctly.  When “normal” (not in an episode), we are concerned about our feelings and how our actions affect others.

During “normal” periods, we are just like someone who does not have the disorder.  The key is to do whatever it takes not to go into an episode and take a chance on hurting someone because of the way we act.  And that means doing the things that help to keep us stable.  We might even go YEARS without an episode if we are stable.

I appreciate the topic question.  If you have any other questions, please don’t hesitate to ask, and I’ll try to answer them honestly.

Have you had an experience where you didn’t feel any guilt?  What happened?

Have you had your supporter tell you about behavior you’ve exhibited in a bipolar episode that you don’t even recall happening?

Wishing you peace and stabililty,

Remember God loves you and so do I,

Michele

Well, I’m still in Florida visiting with my parents, and it just occurred to me that I’m glad to have bipolar disorder.  Before you start thinking I’m in an episode or, God forbid, all out crazy, let me explain myself.

There are blessings in the disorder, if you accept them.  Right now I’m with my mom, who also has bipolar disorder.  Both of us having the disorder brings a special bond with it.  Like the saying, “Only an alcoholic can understand another alcoholic,” it seems like “only someone with bipolar disorder can understand someone else with the disorder.”  That’s how it is with my mom and me. 

We are able to discuss bipolar-related events, feelings, thoughts, experiences, etc.  We are safe from the possible stigma of an “outsider.”  But the biggest blessing is that we know we’re not alone in this fight for sanity.  We have each other for support.

In addition, my husband also has bipolar disorder, as I have shared before, and that is a blessing as well.  He understands me as his wife, his best friend, another recovering alcoholic and addict, and also as another fellow sufferer of bipolar disorder.  So with him, too, I know I’m not alone.

This being alone thing is a real issue for people who have bipolar disorder.  If you don’t have a strong support system — wait, I’ll go back even further than that, because before you even form your support system, you have to accept that you have the disorder, and that you can’t recover by yourself — you won’t be able to reach stability.  And if you don’t open up about what you go through to someone else, you won’t know that you’re not alone.

I truly believe in a strong support system, because like the first step in AA, NA, or any other 12-Step program, “I admit that I’m powerless over bipolar disorder and that my life has become unmanageable.”  It’s easy to work the 12 steps on my bipolar because, for instance, Step 2 acknowledges that “Only a power greater than myself can restore me to sanity.”  Of course, first you have to admit that you’re insane, which anyone who has been through a major manic or depressed episode (especially if you have psychotic symptoms with it, like I do) can readily do.

But the 3rd step, turning my life over to the care of God (as I understand him), takes away my powerlessness.  Bipolar disorder, I’m glad to say, no longer has power over me.  I have learned, over the years (and sometimes the hard way), that the disorder CAN be managed (controlled).

It’s like being in remission from cancer.  And I know some people reading this might be offended that I would compare bipolar disorder to cancer, but hear me out.  I acknowledge that cancer is a life-threatening, absolutely horrible, disease to have.  And I am not discounting that by any means.  But those of us with bipolar disorder (and our supporters) know that our disorder can be just as life-threatening. 

But the point is, like a cancer victim going into remission, we can also go “into remission” with our bipolar disorder.  If you consider remission to be “the absence of symptoms.”  And whether you’ve ever looked at it that way or not, success with bipolar disorder is when you reach stability (remission) – the absence of bipolar symptoms.

Anyway, I said all that to say this:  I’m glad I have bipolar disorder and not some other non-treatable disease.  Maybe we have no cure for our disease yet – but we can get control over it.

Wishing you peace and stability,

Remember God loves you and so do I,

Michele

I have started doing my Christmas shopping on ebay, and I have to tell you what happened.

I collect kneeling Santa’s, and had won the ebay auction on a decoupage kneeling Santa ornament.  I paid for it right away.

Today I got an email from the woman who was selling it, telling me that when she looked at it, she felt it was below standard, so she took it upon herself to re-decoupage it, and also refunded my money – so she is sending me the ornament anyway, but better than the original. 

It struck me – that this is the way people should always treat each other (whether they have bipolar disorder or not).  This woman is doing me a great kindness, and she didn’t have to.  Needless to say, I will cherish the ornament.

Why do people only seem to treat each other with kindness at Christmastime?  It’s true that “Jesus is the Reason for the Season,” but He’s the reason for the other 364 days a year as well. 

I’m so grateful when things like what happened with the ornament happen to me.  It reminds me that there is still kindness left in the world.  So many people, especially because of the recession, have become cynical and bitter.  As have people with bipolar disorder.

I know that things are rough for everyone right now – I am struggling myself to make ends meet in this poor economy.  But kindness doesn’t cost a thing, and you never know who you’re going to touch in any given day.

I would encourage you that, as much as you appreciate kindness from others to you, that you extend “random acts of kindess” to others not just this holiday season, but all the time.

Wishing you peace and stability,

Remember God loves you and so do I,

Michele

Well, I’m down in Florida visiting my parents – grabbed a quick vacation from my busy schedule.  It’s great shopping for winter clothes in a place that doesn’t really have winter!  I’ve had so much fun shopping the thrift stores, and getting great deals.  Being on disability, I have to do some creative financing to be able to go shopping.  But since I have lost weight, all my winter clothes are too big.  Ok, I’ll tell the truth – it’s just an excuse to go shopping.  At least it’s not manic shopping!  And I am so grateful for that – that I am balanced and stable, and can go shopping without fear now.

Anyway, my being on vacation gave me a real good topic for today’s post – because bipolar disorder does not take a vacation.

One of the first things I did in getting prepared to come down here was to check all my medications and make sure I would have enough for the whole time I’m down here.  Once I went on a cruise and didn’t do that and ran out of one of my prescriptions, and you can’t exactly fill a prescription in the Bahamas!  Luckily it wasn’t one of my main meds, so I didn’t even come close to going into an episode, but it sure taught me a lesson.

No, bipolar disorder does not take a vacation.  You’ve heard the expression, “Wherever you go, there you are.”  So wherever I go I take my bipolar disorder with me.  And I have to be extra careful watching myself so that I don’t get TOO excited.  Some excitement, yes.  Too much – manic episode!  And that’s the best way to ruin a perfectly planned vacation.

I also like being here in a place where I don’t have to hide my disorder.  My mom has bipolar disorder too, so we’re able to be real with each other.  It’s not often that I get a chance to talk about my disorder to someone else who has it, so that has been a real blessing.

It’s also been great just being with my parents.  There were several years before I was diagnosed where my bipolar behavior had kind of isolated me from them, so now I cherish the time we do have together.  I don’t get to come down very often, because it’s a long drive from TN to FL, so I make the most of it when I can.

So many times I hear people say, “I wish I didn’t have bipolar disorder.”  And I feel like saying, “So, who doesn’t?”  Because this disorder can cause such havoc in a person’s life until they really get stable.  But my mom has diabetes, and she struggles more with that than with her bipolar.  She’s been stable for a long time, although her last episode lasted SIX months!  It was horrible – she didn’t know that bipolar disorder can “morph,” and change over time.  Someone who has never been violent before can all of a sudden become short-tempered and go into a rage.

See, my mom has always had manic episodes.  This was her first depressive episode, and it really took its toll on her – especially since it took so much time to get her stabilized.  Now she is doing fantastic, though, and even working! (Mom is in her 70’s).  She is a demonstrator for Cosco (like Sam’s Club), you know, one of the people who gives you samples of food?  And she’s been there for 10 years!  Just goes to show you that no matter how bleak it looks, or as much as you may not believe you can get better, you can.

Once I reached stability I also was able to go back to work – I just work from home, which is necessary for me to stay stable.  The ole “wherever you go, there you are” of taking my bipolar with me hurts me when I’m around a lot of people – even though they were co-workers, they became afraid of me when I was diagnosed.  I even lost my job over it.

But whenever God shuts a door, he opens a window, and I am so grateful to have found my job working for www.bipolarcentral.com.  I’ve been there over 4 years now, where before I couldn’t hold a job longer than 6 months.  I especially like it because not only do I not have to hide my disorder, but I get the opportunity to actually help other people with the disorder.

Well, I’m going to go back to my vacation in sunny Florida!

Wishing you peace and stability (wherever you go with your bipolar),

Remember God loves you and so do I,

Michele

Here’s my short commercial for today:  VOTE FOR ME TODAY AT WELLSPHERE.COM.  My blog also appears on Wellshere.com, as some of you know.  Right now they are seeking to find out who should be in the Top 100 Bloggers, and I am in the running.  I need all the votes I can get.  You just have to go to:  http://www.wellsphere.com to cast your vote.   In the search box, type in Michele Soloway Sexton.  That will bring up all my posts.  There will be an icon with a small b in a circle.  Just click on that icon to vote.

Thanks so much for your vote.  Please tell anyone else you know to vote for me, too, ok?

Now that the commercial’s over, let’s talk about today’s subject:  ANTICIPATION

Anticipation is not necessarily a bad thing, but it can be troublesome for some people who have bipolar disorder.  Here’s why:

Let’s use the coming holidays as an example (although it can apply to any situation in which you feel anticipation, any upcoming event).

Anticipation in a good way means looking forward to something.  So, say, you’re looking forward to the holidays.  You’re getting excited, now that the stores have their decorations up and holiday items for sale.  You may be looking forward to holiday gatherings with your loved ones, as well.

Anticipation in a bad way is worrying about something coming up in the future.  Even using the same example – let’s say that you really don’t want to go to your relatives’ house for Thanksgiving, so you are already anticipating a bad time.

At its worst, anticipation leads to anxiety and stress, which are two of the biggest triggers to a bipolar episode.  So you need to watch your level of anticipation and, not only that, but your attitude toward the upcoming event.

You are not at the mercy of anticipation, however.  You can choose whether to look forward to something or dreading it.  You can also choose not to attend the event as well.  Another option would be to leave early, so that you make your appearance, but you leave before you get too anxious or stressed out.

The best anticipation is anticipation of recovery from bipolar disorder.  And there, I’m right with you!

Wishing you peace and stability,

Remember God loves you and so do I,

Michele