Bipolar Survivor

I am happy.  I have a good life.  Now, I’ve had to work real hard at it, doing all the things I have to do to remain stable with bipolar disorder, but I am happy.

Unfortunately, I think you can be TOO happy with bipolar disorder, because it makes you manic, and the next thing you know you’re in a deep manic episode.  It’s too much of an extreme, and you become imbalanced.

In other words, there has to be a balance.  You just can’t go too far one way or the other (depressed or manic), and you have to be able to control your disorder, instead of it controlling you (dictating your moods, etc.).

I am stable.  I take pride in that, because it was hard-fought and won.  And it took some time, and a lot of positive energy and optimistic thinking.  First, I had to believe I COULD be stable which, at one point, seemed like it could NEVER happen to someone like me, I was that bad.

But I am humble as well.  I didn’t get stable all by myself.  There were other people who helped me – my support system and the medical and mental health professionals (and the hospitals a time or two).

I am blessed, because I enjoy the fruits of stability – a wonderful and supportive husband, a great marriage, 3 great kids, a home, a car, a job that I love, etc.  But I use the word “blessed” instead of “lucky” because I don’t think luck had anything to do with it.

At one point, I questioned my own faith, as I thought God deserted me when I prayed about being healed from bipolar disorder and wasn’t.

But at some point I realized that it is because God did not choose to heal me that I’ve done the most good.  This blog (and my two others) for example.  And the work I do for www.bipolarcentral.com and NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness).

So I actually give God credit for my stability.  What’s the difference between stability and cure anyway?  A cure would be never having symptoms again, wouldn’t it?  Well, stability is basically the same thing – the absence of bipolar symptoms.  Granted, it takes medication for me to be able to be stable, but I don’t mind – it keeps me this side of rationality and sanity!

There was a point when I really struggled with bipolar stability.  Back then, I thought I could do it all myself.  I found out the hard way that you CAN be TOO happy with bipolar disorder, for example, when I landed in the hospital in a manic episode.  That’s how I learned that the key is BALANCE.

Now, I am balanced physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually.  I basically live a stress-free life (by living and working in a stress-free home environment).  And I am so grateful for all my blessings.

Because of having bipolar disorder, I am able to help so many people.  Between the blogs, the website, and the presentations I do for NAMI’s In Our Own Voice program, I know that my story and insights into the disorder have helped so many other people who might be struggling like I did.

For one thing, I know that many have learned to separate themselves from their bipolar, and not to feel guilty or different or “less than,” just because they have bipolar disorder.  And that is SO important!  I call bipolar “the dragon,” because it helps me to keep myself separate from the disorder.  I AM OK!  In spite of the fact that I have this disorder, which at several points tried to take my life.

I also try to give people with bipolar disorder the knowledge that they are not alone.  And that stability IS possible!  Because if I could do it, as hopeless a case as I was, I believe anyone can do it.

Basically what I’m about is encouragement – whether spiritual or practical.  I honestly try to help other people any way I can, especially those with a mental illness or a loved one with a mental illness.  Yet God keeps me humble.  I can’t take credit for any of it – all I can do is the footwork, He is responsible for the outcome.

And on that note, I wish you peace and stability,

Remember God loves you and so do I,

Michele

Today I saw a bumper sticker on the back of a car that read, “Life is Good.”  I thought about that today, and you know, life can still be good even if you have bipolar disorder, because life is what you make it.

If you have a bad attitude, chances are your life isn’t going to be all diamonds and roses.  However, if you have a positive attitude, IN SPITE OF the fact that you have bipolar disorder, you will most likely have a good life.

I’ve been having problems with one of my medications lately (not doing its job), so I’ve been experiencing some loss of sleep, and I’m being extra careful because I know that lack of sleep can be a trigger to a manic episode for me.

Does that mean that life isn’t good because I’ve got BP?  NO.  It just means I have a temporary problem that needs to be solved.  Needless to say, I called my psychiatrist’s office for help, because I know this isn’t something I can handle by myself.  There was a time when I self-medicated my bipolar symptoms with drugs and alcohol, but I’m not that person any more.  Today I ask for help when I need it.

Life is still good, even though I have bipolar disorder.

Last night I got a call that a friend of mine from high school (actually, we go all the way back to elementary school) who lives in Atlanta was going to be here in my area for the day today, so hubby and I met him for lunch.

We had such a good time – over 2 hours passed before anyone even looked at the time!  It was a very pleasant lunch, and I had so much fun reminiscing with Paul!

It was on the way home that I saw that bumper sticker that said, “Life is Good,” and I thought about how good my life really is (compared to my past, as some of you know).

I have a wonderfully supportive, giving, and loving husband, who really helps me to stay stable.  He also has bipolar disorder, so he can relate to the down days I get sometimes, and can also give me a reality check when I get a little manicky.

I have a beautiful home that I live in, with lots of pictures of family on top of the TV.  I am surrounded by the things I love, and feel so comfy and cozy when I’m home.

I have two parents who are still living and active, and healthy, and I get to go visit them in Florida a few times a year.  And, of course, I talk to my mom pretty much every day (free long distance is great, isn’t it?)!

I have a great (second-hand) car that runs and has nothing wrong with it (yes!) and gets me where I need to go.

I have such a good dog, too.  Princess is great for petting and stroking when I’m feeling down.  It’s also nice to be needed.  I love that expression, “Someday I hope to be the person that my dog already thinks I am.”

I have 3 great sons (19 going on 20. 25. and 27), and they bring such joy to my life.  I am so proud of them.

I have friends, like the one from high school that we had lunch with today, and I always know they are only a prayer away if I need them.

I have a blessed, blessed relationship with Jesus that carries me through even the hardest times in my life, in the ups and downs of living with something like bipolar disorder.

And I have a job that I love (I can’t believe I get paid for this) writing for www.bipolarcentral.com.  I get to work from home, so there is no real stress.  And the extra money helps supplement my Disability checks, so we are ok financially.  I may not have everything I want, but I do always have what I need (had to learn that one the hard way).

So there it is, folks!  All the makings of a good life, tied up with a bow of happiness.  IN SPITE OF having bipolar disorder, I am happy.  So for those of you who are struggling, please don’t give up hope.  This life could be yours, too.  Because life really is good, even if you have bipolar disorder.

Wishing you peace and stability,

Remember God loves you and so do I,

Michele

There was a time when bipolar disorder was a dark shade against my window of the world.  But eventually, I got better.  Now I believe that my bipolar disorder is really a blessing in disguise.

I was working as a medical transcriptionist when I lost it and had to be hospitalized, where I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. 

One of the biggest problems is that I was a workaholic.  And a perfectionist.  And the two don’t go too well together for your mental health, if you know what I mean.  I was bound to crash at some point.

I expected too much from myself.  Way more than other people expected of me or that I would ever expect from someone else.  So I broke.

Sometimes I think that the bipolar disorder was a great big STOP sign for me.  It made me stop and take a look at how I was living and that I wasn’t taking care of myself, working too hard, having the wrong priorities, etc.

I lost my job because of the bipolar disorder, but today that is a blessing, because I’m able to work from home in a stress-free environment, which the hospital absolutely was not.  I can work around my “bad bipolar days” and do work that I love.  Here’s what I’m talking about — I was very good at being a medical transcriptionist, but I didn’t love it.  It makes a big difference when you are doing what you love — and getting paid for it!

Plus, I’m able to be myself.  I don’t have to worry about what people think, or trying to hide my bipolar disorder.  I had to do a lot of self-examination because of the BP, and I have grown and emerged a stable person who is very happy with her life.

Because I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder, I was able to go on Disability, which provides a fixed income for me.  The work I do for www.bipolarcentral.com is just ice cream on the cake (you’re allowed to make a certain amount above Disability, because it’s certainly not enough to live off).

My self-esteem has improved tremendously.  I never realized how much that job was really stressing me out and taking its toll on me.

Now that I’m not there any more, I am so much more relaxed, content, and stable, and can concentrate on what I really want to do – help people; specifically people with a mental illness.

Tonight I am giving another talk for NAMI’s In Our Own Voice program, where I will tell my story and try to encourage other people with a mental illness that they are not alone, and that recovery is possible.  I always call it my “putting a face on mental illness.”

Too many people think a diagnosis of bipolar disorder is a death sentence – whether because it has no cure (yet) or because it is a kind of death to the life you lived before you got diagnosed.  I’ll take the latter, thank you very much.  I didn’t realize how off-kilter my world (and me) really was.

Bipolar disorder makes me look at myself every day and like what I see.  I take care of myself now.  I am more careful in my decision-making.  I have a strong support system (where before I was too busy overworking that I never had friends or any down time – I took all the overtime I could get, even on Sundays).

Now I am not just mentally and emotionally stable, but I am spiritually fit as well.  I didn’t even have time for God in my life before — I was too busy being that workaholic.  It’s like I was on a train to self-destruction.

Luckily I was diagnosed properly and put on medication that helps me to be who I am today, and keeps me stable.  Don’t get me wrong – I still have a responsibility in my stability.  I have to take my medication, avoid triggers, watch for signs of an episode, avoid stressful situations and toxic people, make sure I get a good night’s sleep, go to see my doctor, psychiatrist, and therapist regularly, etc.

But my life now is so much better than it was before.  I really believe that bipolar disorder was a blessing in disguise.

What about you?  Can you see how bipolar disorder may really be a blessing for you?

Wishing you peace and stability,

Michele

I know I’ve written other posts on this topic, but it seems to be one that people want to know about, so I figured I’d run through my recent thoughts on the subject.

I can only talk to you from my own point of view and my own experience, strength, and hope, and hopefully it will just point you in the right direction to make your own normal life with bipolar disorder.

It’s kind of like the Steps in AA/NA (or any 12-step program) – Step One is to admit that you are powerless over bipolar disorder and that your life has become unmanageable.

Most people are readily able to do that.  Bipolar disorder can bring financial destruction down upon an individual and/or family faster than any other disease, in my opinion.  Especially when you lose your job because of it, like I did.

Also, I found that I was unable to handle my own finances.  I just sort of “ignored” those things I didn’t want to face — like over 120 days bills I owed.  I couldn’t even balance my checkbook.  Today I live a normal life with bipolar disorder – I had help going through my past finances to get them in order, and now I do them by myself.  I am on disability, so every month, on the 3rd when I get my check, I pay ALL my bills.  Even the ones that are due later in the month.  Then I don’t have to worry about it.

I have also cut down my financial needs low enough to meet my income.  I mean, who needs 150 channels on their TV anyway?  I got the lowest car insurance I could get.  I cancelled my life insurance that wouldn’t pay out for bipolar disorder (I found out after paying on it for several months).  I went from owning a big house to renting a small duplex.  I cut out red meat from my diet, which not only helped the food budget, but also my health.

In this economy (the recession), we all need to make better financial decisions.  But it’s particularly difficult for people who have bipolar disorder with their ups and downs.  You may even need to have help handling your finances for awhile until you can take them over or are more stable.

Being normal financially to me today means that I don’t have the fear of going into excessive shopping sprees.  By handling our finances, I know exactly how much income we do have, and I have learned not to spend over that.  When you get to the point where you can actually SAVE money (like for car repairs or other unexpected expenses) each month, then you are stable enough to live a normal financial life with bipolar disorder.

Steps 2 and 3 in a 12-step program talk about “only a Higher Power could restore us to sanity” and giving our lives over to that Higher Power.  The reason that these steps are so hard for us to take is that we don’t want to admit that we’re insane to begin with!  Others think they can do all this all by themselves.  Of course, they can’t be looking at the big picture or they wouldn’t think this way.

Without the proper treatment (medication and therapy), NO ONE who has bipolar disorder has a right mind to manage their own life – they will always have bipolar episodes that ruin their finances, their relationships, their lives.  It’s only thru treatment that we CAN have a normal life with bipolar disorder.  I am proof that it can be done, as I have been stable for a long time and have learned to manage my disorder.  I now have a “normal” life despite having the disorder.

If I can have a normal life with bipolar disorder, then so can you.  Read some of my articles at www.bipolarcentral.com, and you can see how I did it.  The main thing is that you HAVE to stay on your medications!  And sometimes they may need to be adjusted – so don’t be afraid to call your doctor or psychiatrist if you don’t “feel right.”

Think about the things you think make up a normal life, and go after them in spite of your bipolar disorder, and you’ll find out like I did that it really IS possible!

I thought I could never work again because of my bipolar, but then I got a job working from home, which meets all my needs, working for a boss whose mother has bipolar, so he understands me.  It’s also helped provide extra money each month.  Try to find a home business you can start if nothing else – it will keep you productive, bring in extra money (which you will definitely need, as no one can live on disability alone), build up your self-esteem, give you financial freedom, and help you keep your bipolar disorder under control because you have goals to meet and decisions to make daily.  It’s a whole lot different working from home, and makes you feel more normal.

Before I was diagnosed, I know I had an abnormal life with relationships, because I got married whenever I would go into a manic episode!  Of course, those marriages were short-lived and ended when I came out of my episodes, but now I have a normal, healthy marriage.  And my husband also has BP, so he understands me very well.

Stability is the goal.  If you can achieve stability, then you CAN have a normal life with bipolar disorder.  Set your goals – both long-term and short-term – and then achieve them.  You can do it!

Wishing you peace and stability,

Remember God loves you and so do I,

Michele

Well, it’s holiday time again.  How can I tell?  The stores are already advertising for Christmas, and it’s not even Halloween yet!  Each year they seem to get earlier and earlier.

The holidays are a typically stressful time for people with bipolar disorder.  It doesn’t have to be that way, though. 

One year I even “cancelled” Christmas because I couldn’t handle it.  I totally regretted it.  I really got depressed then.  But I learned my lesson, and even if it’s just for me and my husband, we decorate for Christmas anyway.  We both have bipolar, so it affects us the same.  Even if the kids don’t come over, we make it a special day just for ourselves.  After all, we are celebrating Jesus and His birth – that’s the real reason for the holiday.

One thing to note, however.  If this is your “time” of the year (prone to bipolar episodes) like it is mine, make sure you have all your Plan A’s and B’s in place.  The holidays can sneak up on you if you’re not careful and watch out that the stress that they bring does not trigger you into an episode.

One thing you can do is get your holiday shopping done early, so you don’t have to deal with all those frantic people trying for last minute Christmas shopping.  You have time to watch for sales, so it will help you out financially as well.

Another thing you can do is to make sure you are physically kind to yourself.  Continue to eat a healthy diet, and if you’re used to walking for your exercise, either start doing it in a mall, or exercise inside with a video.  You don’t have to even join a gym (altho you can) – I think the YMCA is free .  The emphasis is on taking care of your health.

Stay consistent.  Just because the season is changing (and the holidays are coming) doesn’t mean you should change your routine.  The more you stick to your routine, the better off you will be with your BP.

Stay in contact with your friends, family, and support network.  One year I isolated so bad that I went into a massive bipolar depression.  I don’t want that to happen to you!  Now that I do this, I never have an episode around the holidays any more.  I have people to be accountable to, in addition to my therapist.  If I isolate too long, don’t worry, they’ll let me know it!

Try volunteering this year to help you get through the season.  There is always the Food Bank (in Florida we had one called Share, and I know they have this in other states as well, tho it might be called something else) to offer your time to – it will keep your priorities in order, and keep you grateful that you’re stable.  Toys for Tots always needs volunteer help.  Check with your local churches as well, as they may give out Christmas stockings to needy children and need help assembling them.

Whatever you do, make sure that it takes the focus off yourself — volunteering usually will do that, and you’ll have the added benefit of increased self-esteem that goes with it, as well as gratitude!  For me, there is usually the AA clubhouse that’s open all day on holidays for those who are struggling with alcohol and drugs, so I go there to be available in case someone comes in.  My Christmas is usually over first thing in the morning, so it doesn’t bother me to go somewhere else.  And it always makes me more grateful to be clean and sober (as well as stable with my BP).

I guess what I’m trying to say is that you can help control your bipolar disorder this year.  You do NOT have to go into an episode, if this is your normal bad time.  Do something different this year – take the emphasis off yourself and onto someone else who is needy.  Volunteer your good heart – it will bless you in return.

Wishing you peace and stability,

Remember God loves you and so do I,

Michele

I was just reading some of the responses I’ve gotten to this blog, and there are two women who I am particularly concerned about.  They are both struggling with suicidal thoughts.

See, this is when I hate the bipolar disorder the most!  It is like a dragon, something outside yourself — a real enemy and the stuff of which nightmares are made –  that only seeks to destroy you.

Most of the time, we have the emotional energy to fight back.  But what about those other days?

Remember the expression, “When the going gets tough, the tough get going”?

Well, apply that to bipolar disorder.  It will lie to you and tell you that you are weak, that you have no control over it and the thoughts and impulses it sends you.  But that is NOT TRUE!

You DO have control.  You can fight the suicidal thoughts, remembering in the forefront what you know to be the truth. 

When your (bipolar) thoughts tell you that you should kill yourself, you need to remind it (the bipolar disorder, and the thoughts) that a few things you DO know to be true:

1.  I am loved.

2. I am NOT alone.

3. I am NOT my disorder.

4. I have my own identity, and that person wants to live.

5.  I don’t want to hurt anyone else, and especially not myself.

6.  I have good choices I can make, one of them being not to listen to you!

7.  This is the bipolar talking, and NOT ME.

8.  I choose to live today.  I may not “feel” like it, but I choose it anyway.

9.  If I am feeling depressed, it’s because of the bipolar, not because life is too overwhelming for me.

10. I WILL FIND SOMEONE TO TALK TO ABOUT HOW I AM FEELING!

I spent way too much time by myself with those angry and suicidal thoughts that many of us get sometimes, and I felt like I had no recourse but to listen to them.  As a result, I did damage to myself and those I love.

Nobody told me what I just told you.  If you need to print it out in BIG letters, please do so.  But somehow make a copy, so that you can remind yourself of the truth when the bipolar lies start.

You are tougher than you think.  You just need the right ammunition to fight this kind of battle for your mind and your sanity.  Bipolar disorder is a terrible disease that comes with a lot of lies.  The only way to fight the lies is with the truth.

If you are feeling suicidal, whether you believe it’s just the bipolar and a lie or not, please talk to someone.  Post on here.  Write in your journal.  But somehow get it through to yourself that you are NOT alone, and that other people with bipolar disorder DO have suicidal thoughts as well.

And never, never forget, that as long as you are reading this blog, YOU ARE NOT ALONE!  Somebody cares about you and what happens to you, even if it’s only me.

In this case, it’s not the thought that counts, but the action on that thought that counts.  Take the right action.

Wishing you peace and stability,

Remember God loves you and so do I,

Michele

I got a comment recently saying, “I’m not sure all this is true,” and it hurt my feelings.  I actually started feeling sorry for myself because one person doubted my word.  Oh, how defensive I felt.

Then I went back to an old post I wrote called “Stop Worrying What Other People Think of You” and my own fingers pointed back at me.

Here’s an exerpt from that post:

“Just be who we are, and let people think what they want to think. It really is none of our business what people think of us (negative or positive), and we’re just wasting precious energy trying to please other people when we could be using our energy to help the people who need our help, to love the people who do appreciate us for who we are.”

Like I said, when I read that, I knew I was wasting my time and energy worrying about what this one person thought of me and my blog.

In my defense, however, I will say this.  Everything I write is from the heart.  It’s all true.  I no longer have to be dramatic or make things up or do things to try to make people like me.  That’s not what this blog is about.  It’s about presenting the truth as I know it, and trying to help someone else with bipolar disorder.

So why should I care?  Because I do care about the people who read this blog.  You are real to me, and when I write I know I’m writing to real people.  And if even one thing I say is useful to you, I consider that post a success.

A few people have had objections to my usual closing (”Remember God loves you and so do I”), either because they think it is too “religious” or because they don’t believe I love them.  Well, the truth is that I care about every person who has bipolar disorder, and I want to help you.  Because of my stability, I can now love unconditionally.  I do what I wish someone had done for me before I was stable.  I let them know that they’re not alone.

I wish I knew back then that God loved me.  I thought there was something fundamentally wrong with me, that I had problems with relationships and in feeling loved, that I was crazy and there was no hope for me.  I didn’t think anyone cared.  But it was only irratioinal thoughts from my bipolar disorder.  Now I know the difference.

So many people are struggling with their disorder right now, and I feel for every one of them, because I’ve been there.  That’s why I share my experience.  I have been diagnosed as both types of BP.  I have experienced the psychotic episodes.  I really have tried to kill myself 5 times and been institutionalized or hospitalized 5 times.  I can only pray that that doesn’t happen to someone else.

I want to get information out there that I didn’t have when I was struggling.  That’s why I write what I do.  I mean, I didn’t even know one other person who was going through what I was going through.  It’s kind of like only an alcoholic can understand another alcoholic.  I try to be that one other person with bipolar disorder who understands your situation, so that you can be spared some of the trials that I experienced with bipolar.

As far as this person’s comment… I DO care.  Not about what other people think of me, but I do care about the people who read this blog and their supporters, and their struggle.  This is a nefarious disease, with no cure.  Sometimes all I have to offer is my experience, strength, and hope for your recovery.  And at that I am honest.

I’m no longer insecure about being a person with bipolar disorder, because I know it does NOT define me as a person.  I know who I am outside the disorder.  That’s how I can live with it.  One of the biggest messages I’m out here promoting is YOU ARE NOT YOUR DISORDER!  You have your own identity.

Hopefully, some of my posts have helped you to understand that, and the other things I write about.  Just know this.  I honestly do care what happens to you.  And I will NOT let bipolar disorder steal even one other person’s spirit like it stole mine.

Wishing you peace and stability,

Remember God loves you and so do I,

Michele

I am one of those people who use varied coping strategies for my bipolar disorder.  I was asked once if I have any unique coping strategies that I could share.

I guess the most unique thing I do is that when I’m having racing thoughts and can’t turn my mind off, I do crossword puzzles to cope with it.  They help me to focus and concentrate on something other than my thoughts.  I guess you could say that’s pretty unique.

Although I know another woman with bipolar disorder who colors in a coloring book when she has racing thoughts and can’t shut down, and I think that’s even more unique!

I also use my dog as one of my coping techniques.  She is a dachsund-hound mix, and very loving.  She gives me the unconditional love that I crave, especially when I’m depressed.  Also, petting her is therapeutic.  Making the same motion over and over again can be very soothing to a bipolar mind.  And yes, I do talk to her.  I only have access to my therapist twice a month, and never at night, but my Princess is always there to listen to me. 

In fact, sometimes by hearing what I say to her, I work out my own solutions.  One thing I can say for sure is that using my dog as a coping mechanism for my bipolar disorder does work.

She also keeps me responsible.  I can’t just “take a day off” when I have the responsibility to take care of my dog.  She needs to be fed and watered, and needs attention and affection.  If I can’t get my mind off me, I put my mind on her and her needs, and this usually works (of course, I do this with my husband, too — not to compare him to a dog LOL).

Another coping strategy I use is routine.  It helps me to stay in control.

I wake up at the same time every day and go to bed the same time every day.  I eat at the same times.  I take my medications at the same times.  I watch the same shows on TV.  I call my mom every day (she is one of my supporters, and has BP as well).  I take my shower at the same time, and all my other grooming needs (hair, makeup, nails, etc.).  I write in my journal every night and fill out my mood chart every day.

I also go to all my regular appointments, whether I feel like it or not.  I told you I see my therapist every other week.  Well, sometimes I’ll be thinking that I don’t have anything to talk about, so I don’t want to go, but I make myself go anyway and, sure enough, I talk for 45 miinutes!

I talked about writing in my journal, well, that’s a major coping strategy for me.  I don’t worry about grammar and spelling, because no one else is going to read it but me.  And I don’t worry so much about whether my thoughts are crazy or not, they just ARE.  So I record them in my journal. 

If I start to “feel funny,” or not like myself, and/or am worried I might be going into a bipolar episode, I can look back at my journal entries and see if there is a pattern.  For example, if I’ve been journaling that I’m depressed for a week, it’s a pretty sure bet that I’m going into a depressive episode, so I take action.

I do something that makes me feel better.  For me, any “chick flick” will do!  I think I’ve watched “Pretty Woman” about a dozen times!

Usually when I’m depressed, I tend to isolate.  One feeds the other — being too isolated can make me depressed.  So I find that in these cases, just getting out of the house for awhile helps.

Work is a big coping strategy for me.  Even if it’s just writing my blog, I have to take my mind off myself and think about the people I’m trying to help.

What about you?  What are some of your coping strategies (unique or otherwise)?

Wishing you peace and stability,

Remember God loves you and so do I,

Michele