Hey, y’all –
This is Suicide Awareness Week, and it made me think again of my unsuccessful suicide attempts (thank God I survived) as well as my sister’s unfortunately successful suicide attempt.
I am so grateful for my life today. It is so very much different than before. No more out-of-control behavior. No more deep, dark, pain-filled depressions. No more impulsive spending and other problems from manic episodes.
Because I am on such good medication, practice healthy habits (physically and emotionally), see my therapist, have a strong support system, and keep my life as stress-free as possible, I am able to live a normal life. It’s so good to be in control of this devastating disease.
My sister, Deb, was the greatest girl in the world. I almost worshipped her – she had solutions to everything I always struggled with. I envied her business success as well. She had started a business from the ground up, from home, and built it till it became an international success.
Deb was so energetic, so motivated, so inspirational, that it couldn’t help but leak onto anyone around her. And she was kind and loving. So very loving.
My sister, Deb, was my best friend in the whole world.
But my sister also had bipolar disorder and, after convincing herself that she was “fine,” she went off her medications. A few months later she took a gun and killed herself.
When Deb died, a part of me died with her. I used to call her “the twin of my heart” because we were separated by 3 yrs officially, but in every other way we were twins. I couldn’t believe how devastated I was. But I did NOT go into an episode.
I had to suffer through the grief of losing a loved one, just like anyone else, bipolar or not. I suffered pain, agony, loss, and yes, depression.
And anger. I was so angry, because I couldn’t stop my sister’s suicide. I was so angry, because I wasn’t there with her. I was so angry, because I never got to say goodbye. I was so angry, and still am, because MY SISTER DID NOT HAVE TO DIE! If she had stayed on her bipolar medications, she would still be alive today, still my best friend, the one who I could turn to and count on for everything.
A part of me died with my sister’s death. But the biggest part of me resolved to never again even consider suicide (I had previously made 5 attempts), because of the pain of my sister’s. The loss was of devastating proportions.
I know that my sister killed herself because she was in pain. I know that she committed suicide because, at the time, she was not thinking rationally, and couldn’t see another way out. I know that my sister was only thinking about herself and her pain and confusion, and could not see past it to realize how much her death would hurt the ones she loved.
With bipolar disorder does come the propensity for suicidal thoughts. But we can CHOOSE how we react to them. We do not have to believe the suicidal ramblings of an irrational mind. We can have safeguards in place. Plans of what to do if we ever feel suicidal.
But if you have thought of dying, of suicide, I have this to say to you – GET HELP! Don’t do to your loved ones what my sister did to me. I still miss her grieviously every single day, and it’s been 5 years now.
YOU ARE NOT ALONE! Other people with bipolar disorder have thought of killing themselves, too. But they didn’t do it, and many, many people are now living happy, successful, productive lives because of it. Yes, it’s hard. It’s hard to live with a mental illness that tries to kill you. But you have self-will, and that will can make you stronger than your disorder. You can stay alive and find release from your pain if you just fight against those irrational suicidal thoughts.
I am very passionate about this subject, as you can tell. I know now, in looking back, that every time I considered suicide (many more times than I actually attempted it), the solution to my problems was right around the corner.
I am one of the lucky ones, and I’m grateful.
Now I’m asking those of you who are like me, who have survived suicidal thoughts and/or attempts, to post on here to those people who are struggling with suicide right now. Tell your story. It will help them to know they’re not alone, at the very least. Please help me to help them.
Wishing you peace and stability,
Remember God loves you and so do I,
Michele
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