Bipolar Survivor

Hey, y’all –

There’s a woman really struggling right now, because her medication is not working, and she is feeling suicidal.  That’s what’s prompted this post.

I want you to know that bipolar disorder will LIE to you!

In a manic episode, it will say all kinds of things.  Like you are better than you are.  Or have greater ideas.  Or can be more productive, etc.

But in a manic episode, the truth is that you will have irrational thoughts and feelings because of the disorder.  You will think you have more energy than you really do, you will believe some of the thoughts you have are real, you will believe things that other people may not believe.  It’s because the bipolar disorder is LYING to you!

When you’re in a depressed episode, the disorder will lie to you as well.

It will tell you that you’re worthless, helpless and hopeless, unloved and/or unlovable, and that your loved ones will be better off without you.

The worst lie of all is that you won’t get any better, that things will never change for you.

That is a LIE!

Things DO get better.  I have tried to kill myself 5 times, and I am so very grateful that I never succeeded.  Things always got better.  Maybe not right away, and maybe not in MY timing, but they got better, as I got better.

And for those contemplating suicide, let me tell you the truth about that.

Your friends and loved ones will NOT be better off without you.  My sister killed herself because she believed the bipolar lies, and it hurt me like nothing else could ever hurt me.  And it’s the reason why I will never try to harm myself again, because I could never put anyone thru the pain that my sister’s death put me through.

Another truth – you are NOT helpless and hopeless.  That’s the bipolar disorder lying to you.  You may feel as if you are suffering right now, but “this too shall pass.”  You can have control over your disorder.  You CAN get stable.  And then you won’t feel that way.

And the greatest truth of all — you ARE loved, and you ARE lovable.  Just the way you are.  You don’t have to try to be deserving of love.  You don’t have to do anything to try to be loved.  You already are!   If by no one else, than at least by God and by me.  Yes, I feel love toward you right now, because I have been where you are at and felt the same way.

But I lived to tell the story.  I am a success because I survived my own life before I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder.  I used to believe all the lies, but then I learned how to manage my disorder and became stable, and saw the truth.  And if I can do it, so can you.

You may feel totally alone right now.  But let me assure you that there are many, many people out there who suffer as you do – millions and millions of people have bipolar disorder.  YOU ARE NOT ALONE!

You may feel as if you’re the only person who is going thru what you’re going thru, or that feels the way you do.  But I guarantee you, I have been there, too.

Don’t let the bipolar disorder control your thoughts.  Understand that these are just LIES, and are NOT true!

You CAN recover from bipolar disorder.  I know, because I have.  And you ARE worthy of loving and being loved. 

Who you are in an episode is not who you really are, and something in you knows it.  You just can’t give up!  No matter how bad things look now, they WILL get better, I promise you.

My life is a testimony to the grace of God, who loved me so much that he gave me a new life, in spite of my bipolar disorder.  My life now is a very happy, successful one, and proof that you can overcome all the lies and negativity of bipolar disorder.

I have exposed the lies of bipolar disorder, and have told you the truth about yourself.  Please believe me.  It won’t always be like this.  You WILL get better.

If you are feeling suicidal, please do something about it.  Don’t believe the lies.  Tell someone!  Get help!

Wishing you peace and stability,

God loves you and so do I (and that’s the TRUTH!),

Michele

Hey, y’all –

Having bipolar disorder sometimes means living in an upside-down world.  Our lives are different than many other people.  But even those who don’t have the disorder have problems themselves – just different than ours.

So how do we stay calm in an upside-down bipolar world?

For me, sticking to a routine is crucial.  I don’t like unexpected things – there’s a danger that I won’t know how to handle them, would get stressed and anxious and worry over them or, at worst, even go into an episode.

So it’s mandatory that I stay calm.

What I’ve done to do that some of you might disagree with, but for the most part, I am pretty isolated.  I mean, I watch the isolation, because I know it’s been a trigger in the past to a bipolar depressive episode, but I’ve got it balanced now.  It’s not like I never leave the house (like I used to be), but for the most part I’m a homebody.

I like my surroundings.  It’s very peaceful where I live, in the foothills of the Smoky Mts., and I can see them from my window.  I can go out on my porch and look at the horses next door.  It’s a very serene place to be.

In my house I am surrounded by comfort – the many books I have on my shelves, my favorite albums (yes, the old fashioned records), my collection of crystal and blown glass, and an abundance of photographs of all the people who are important in my life.

Even my home office is comfortable, and reflects my personality – a little cluttered, but homey.  I keep encouraging and inspirational sayings on post-its on my computer, and even have some of my porcelain dolls on top of my computer desk.

I have a wonderful husband, who loves and supports me.  He is one of the biggest reasons for my calm.  We live as much of a stress-free life as possible, since he has bipolar disorder, too.

But I think the key to staying calm in an upside-down bipolar world is to be calm inside yourself. 

For me, I do it spiritually.  I pray constantly, as if talking to Jesus like a friend.  I put all my cares and worries in a God Box (a small box with pieces of paper in it with my prayer requests), and then I try to leave things in God’s very capable hands.  I say try because sometimes I take back my worries, even though I don’t want to.

I have very few friends, but those I do have I cherish.  They know about my bipolar disorder and still don’t treat me any different.  In fact, they are also a very calming influence on my life.

My mom helps me to stay calm.   Even though she lives in another state, I talk to her almost every day.  She has bipolar disorder, too, so I can talk to her about that or anything else that’s bothering me.  It’s good to have someone else to talk to about the disorder who knows what you’re going through.

Even my dog helps me stay calm.  She loves me with that unconditional love that dogs give, you know?  And sometimes when I’m stressed or anxious, just petting her has a calming effect on me.

And when I have racing thoughts (which I do more often than I’d like), I do crossword puzzles to focus and get my mind off those other intrusive thoughts.

But most important of all, I take my medication religiously.  It helps to keep my life rightside-up.

What are some of the things you do to stay calm in an upside-down bipolar world?

Wishing you peace and stability,

Remember God loves you and so do I,

Michele

Hey, y’all –

I was thinking about this “no cure for bipolar disorder” thing.  They say it’s a “lifetime illness.”  But when I think of a lifetime illness, I think of something like diabetes, not bipolar disorder.

I think the word “illness” to us implies something physical, but the term “disorder” implies to us a mental illness.

Either way, we’re stuck with this – there is NO cure for bipolar disorder.

But that doesn’t mean that we have to let it get the best of us.  We determine how that goes.  The more control we have over our disorder, the less control it has over us.

Like other lifetime illnesses, we have medication that doesn’t cure us, but does control the symptoms of our disorder.  As long as we take our medication religiously, we can stay stable.

Being stable means having a relatively normal life.  Which, fortunately, we can have as long as we manage our bipolar disorder well.

It’s not like it’s a terminal illness with stages, like cancer, which will eventually kill us.  Ours is a different type of illness.  One with no cure, and yet one that doesn’t have to be that different than if we didn’t have it.

So we adhere to our medications, go to see our psychiatrists, therapists, and doctors, and do things like live a healthy lifestyle to manage ourselves and our disorder.  We are actually the ones in charge, not the illness, because it can be managed.

We do what we can to keep ourselves healthy — both physically and emotionally.  And each day we can wake up expecting that, “No, I won’t have a bipolar episode today.”  Again, we are in control.

We do that by keeping mood charts and journals, watching our triggers, and being on the lookout for signs and symptoms of our bipolar disorder so that we can catch an episode before it even begins.

We also manage our disorder by having a good support system that is sort of a “reality check and balance” for us.

It’s ok for me that there is still no cure for bipolar disorder.  I do the things I’ve talked about, and I’m stable.  Each day doesn’t feel any different, like it would if I even had a broken foot.  I am confident that as long as I do my part and manage my disorder to the best of my ability, the bipolar will take care of itself.

Wishing you peace and stability,

Remember God loves you and so do I,

Michele

Hey, y’all –

I was just thinking about how different my life has been since I became stable with my bipolar disorder.  Things were sure out of control before stability and I finally became friends!

It took awhile for me and my psychiatrist to find the right combination of medications (what I call my “sanity cocktail”) that would keep me from going into episodes all the time.

I was part of the problem, too, though, I have to admit that.  I would take the medication for awhile, and then go off it just so I could experience the excitement I felt whenever I went into a manic episode.

Oh, the episodes were great!  It was the consequences that weren’t so great.  And there were ALWAYS consequences!

Then I would crash into a major depression, and then have to start all over again with the medication merry-go-round.

Well, I finally accepted my bipolar disorder, and began to be willing to do what I had to do to keep it under control.  Now, I definitely take my medication religiously, see my doctor, psychiatrist, and therapist on a regular basis, keep a mood chart, eat right and sleep right, and all the other things I have to do to remain stable.  Because the alternative is just not acceptable.

But here’s the thing.  When I was manic, I thought I was so much smarter, creative, etc. than anyone else!  I had these glorious ideas (which of course were just grandiose ideas from the bipolar), one that I even thought would make me a millionaire!  Sometimes I even thought I was better than other people. 

Oh, but I thought I was happy!  I thought mania equalled happiness.  But now, in stability, I know what  true happiness is (and it’s not going from episode to episode).

I think bipolar disorder does make us different.  Many of us are more intelligent and creative than others – they’ve done studies on that.

But I think it makes us different because we are more aware of ourselves, our moods, and situations around us.  We have to learn what our triggers are, and how to avoid them.  We have to work harder at being stress-free.  We have to take medication every day.  We have to have routine to keep control.

But I also think that by doing these things, it makes me a better person than I was before.  One of the biggest things is that I stopped believing that the world revolved around me.  I started to care more about other people.  Especially others with bipolar disorder.  And I began devoting my life to helping them.

But the biggest thing of all is that I am more grateful for “normal” periods, the people I love and who love me, a job that I love, and the greatest supporter of all – my wonderful husband. 

I am so much more grateful for the small things now than I was before.  Every day that I go without an episode is a blessing to me.

What about you?  Do you think that bipolar disorder makes you different?

Wishing you peace and stability,

Remember God loves you and so do I,

Michele

Hey, y’all –

Well, the move went smoothly and we are in the new house, albeit with boxes all over the place!  But I’m going to unpack the same way I packed — one box at a time, so I don’t get overwhelmed.

Today I want to talk about bipolar disorder fear.

People fear all different kinds of things — the usual, like snakes and spiders… all the way to the unusual, like fear of people, or fear of dying.

But with bipolar disorder, we deal with a different type of fear.  Fear of going into an episode.  Fear of what the consequences to that episode might be.  Fear of (literally) losing our minds.

For a long time I believed I was crazy.  I had no name for what I knew was wrong with me.  I just knew that something really was wrong with me.  And I was afraid of it.

Give me a spider any day.  But fear of my bipolar disorder almost paralyzed me.  For awhile there, I wouldn’t even go out anywhere for fear that something might trigger an episode.

I’ve learned a lot since then.  I’ve learned what my triggers are, so I can avoid them.  For instance, I found out that being in crowds stresses me out and can be a trigger.  So I just avoid crowds (I do my Christmas shopping way in advance!).

I’ve learned that with proper management of bipolar disorder, there is no reason to fear it.  I think it was the fact that the disorder was controlling me instead of me controlling the disorder that was part of my fear as well.  I mean, it’s not like you take a magic pill and it cures you from this lifetime disorder.

And that’s another thing I feared — when they told me that I would have this disorder for the rest of my life.  I had a horrible fear of the future and what it might bring (stemming from my need to control everything), much less what a future with bipolar disorder would bring.

But eventually I learned how to manage my disorder.  I learned that I could be in control, and need not fear losing that control all the time.  I developed routines and systems that helped me with that.  I’m not a controlling person any more, but I do have control over my bipolar.

Routine is one of the biggest ways that I am able to manage my disorder so well.  I mean, not to the degree that any change in that routine is going to affect my stability — but routine means order to me, and I like things to be in order.

When you reach stability, there is no longer any need for bipolar disorder fear.  You will no longer be afraid of that episode around every corner.  You will feel more in control of your disorder, yourself, and your life.

The best part is that I can actually make plans again!  I wasn’t able to do that before reaching stability because of that fear of going someplace and having an episode, afraid of what people would think, afraid of losing control… a whole bunch of illogical (and unnecessary) fears.

I know my disorder is under control now, so now I have freedom instead of fear.  I can go where I want to go, do what I want to do, and be who I want to be.

If you are still struggling with bipolar disorder fear, take heart.  It does get better.

Wishing you peace and stability,

Remember God loves you and so do I,

Michele

Hey, y’all –

Well, moving day is this weekend.  I’m excited, but I’m nervous, too.  I know in the past something as major as a move has been a bipolar episode trigger for me.  It’s always been because I try to do too much at once.

This time had to be different, because I need to protect my stability.  Gone are the days when boxes would sit for weeks, unopened and untouched, and I was so overwhelmed every time I looked at them, that it would be weeks before I ever got to them.

I’m just not that person any more.  I have learned to manage my bipolar disorder.

This time, we picked a moving day, and I had a definite goal.  Then I used smaller goals to reach it.

The big goal, of course, was to pack up a 3 bedroom house to move into a 2 bedroom duplex.  Big difference!  I had to let go of many things — either give them away or throw them away.  Which, at one point with my disorder, I NEVER would have been able to do.  I held onto everything, and my house was so cluttered that it caused me to go into a deep depression at one point.  But not any more.

Today it’s good to see how far I’ve come.  I pick one area each day, and I work on only that one area, packing only what we’ll need, and leaving behind the rest.   I take several breaks in between, so I don’t get overwhelmed.  And I also stop when I feel myself heading that way or getting too tired.

I’ve been very fortunate as well that my supporter (my husband) is helping me with the move.  But he has to do it the same way as me so that his bipolar disorder is unaffected – pick an area and box it up, in smaller groups instead of the whole house at once.  Together we’ve come a long way.

It’s been by learning how to set big goals and then set smaller goals to achieving it that we’ve been able to handle this move.  If we didn’t have our “baby steps” along the way, the whole move would have overwhelmed one or both of us, and we would be having trouble with our bipolar disorders.

Someone once said that a long journey begins with a single step.  One day at a time, one step at a time, we deal with our disorder.  And we learn to make short-term goals and work toward a long-term goal, so that we are not overwhelmed by the whole project, move, college degree, or whatever else we are putting our mind to.

Thank God for stability, and reasonal, rational ways of tackling big obstacles in our lives.

Wishing you peace and stability,

Remember God loves you and so do I,

Michele

Hey, y’all –

I’m in the process of moving, and when I was looking for a new place, I had a strange experience with the prospective landlady about my bipolar disorder.

I guess I must just be spoiled, but I’m very open about having bipolar disorder, and often share about it with other people.  I can’t even remember the last time I got a negative response.  But when I told her that I work for BipolarCentral.com as a writer, she gave me a funny look and asked me, “Are you bipolar?”

I told her, “Yes, I am.  That’s why I write for that website, trying to help others with it.”

And she gave me the strangest look, followed by a long pause.  The pause was so uncomfortable that I spoke up and said, “But I’m very stable and have been for a long time.”   Although later I thought maybe that sounded defensive, and I hate to be like that – we shouldn’t have to defend ourselves or apologize for having bipolar disorder.  I wonder if she would have given me that same look if I had mentioned that I have diabetes?

There’s an expression that says, “You may be the only Bible that someone will ever read.”  Well, applied in this case, we may be the only person with bipolar disorder that someone ever meets.  And that’s why I decided that it wasn’t that I needed to be defensive about it, but that maybe this woman had never met anyone with the disorder before.

We have to be very well-educated about the disorder, so that we can teach others.  Perhaps if this woman had been more forthcoming, or asked me questions about my bipolar disorder, I would have had an opportunity to be a good example of someone with the disorder, to maybe dispel some of her ignorance and fear (and distrust?).

I consider myself a person first, and a person with bipolar disorder second.  Unfortunately, not all of society sees it that way — yet.

What is most important is stability.  The more stable I am, the better an example I can be.

Sometimes we’re the students (learning about BP), but sometimes we’re the teachers as well.  We have to teach our families and friends, and sometimes we may even have the opportunity to educate others about bipolar disorder.  We just need to be stable and ready for the opportunity if it happens.

Because my disorder is so well-managed, I’m usually told that you couldn’t tell I even have bipolar disorder if I didn’t tell you.  I know it’s a personal choice whether to tell people or not, but still be ready to be a “teacher” if you’re called upon to be.  At least try to be a good example.

Wishing you peace and stablity,

Remember God loves you and so do I,

Michele