Bipolar Survivor

They say that people with bipolar disorder are some of the most creative people in the world. I know that I supposedly was. I mean, I wasn’t an artist or anything. And I couldn’t do more than plunk out a few notes and some chords on the piano and guitar. But in other ways I was creative.

I think mostly I looked at the world differently than other people did. My mom said I was always doing things “before their time.” I know I was making denim purses out of old jeans before they were ever a fashion craze in stores commercially, just for me and my friends. That was pretty creative, I guess.

But creativity can also be used in problem solving. That’s what I mean by the way you look at things differently than other people. It’s kind of the square peg in a round hole thing. Do you make the hole bigger? Or the peg smaller? Or leave it alone altogether, giving up? Well, we with bipolar usually won’t give up, as we’re stubborn by nature, aren’t we? LOL

The thing is that if our first approach to a problem doesn’t work, we should look for alternative, even more creative ways, to solve the problem.

One thing you can do is to brainstorm ideas – list them all on a piece of paper. Don’t worry if they’re feasible or not, just list them all anyway, at least at first go around.

Then go back through, crossing out those ideas that you don’t think will work. What you should be left with will be those ideas that you can try to solve your problems. Even if you only have one solution on the page, it’s more than you started with!

Try this idea, and see if it works for you. It will help you to solve your problems more creatively.

Wishing you peace and stability,

Remember God loves you and so do I,

Michele

I have a friend who contacted me recently, saying that she is in a dark, dark place and asking if she could talk to me. Of course, I said that she could. But it brought to mind the dark places I used to go through, and how grateful I am today that I no longer go to those places.

It was a great revelation to me to find out that it wasn’t ME that took me to the dark places that enveloped me so wholly that I actually considered taking my own life at times – that it was actually something organic, something outside myself, something that could be controlled by medication and therapy.

What a relief! What an epiphany! To find out that I wasn’t to blame for the hardships and self-destruction that had plagued my life was absolutely liberating to me. It was the beginning of the necessary reparations to my soul.

Truly, my self-esteem was in the pits, and I believe it was because of my bipolar disorder. I know I can’t blame all my bad decisions on the disorder, but it did make me do things that I wouldn’t normally have done – like impulsively getting married during manic episodes (many times).

I definitely despised waking up to pay the consequences of yet another manic episode that left me questioning why I did the things I did? I blamed myself all the time for poor behavior… risk taking behavior… impulsive behavior… very bad decisions, wrong decisions all the time… when it was actually the bipolar disorder and bad wiring in my head (chemical imbalance they say now) that caused me to act the way I did.

I envy those today who are diagnosed in their late teens and early twenties… who do not have to go through the things I went through before being diagnosed in my mid-forties.

It was horrible. I wish I didn’t have to go through all those things. Many people today complain of being diagnosed with bipolar disorder, but look at the alternative – continuing the behaviors that come with the disorder, not having the understanding or explanation for the behaviors that a diagnosis brings?

If you have been diagnosed with bipolar disorder, perhaps you should consider yourself lucky, because at least you know WHY you have done the things you have done. And now you can be treated for it, putting an end to impulsive and risk-taking behaviors that, probably like me, you wouldn’t have otherwise done were it not for the bipolar.

Funny to consider yourself lucky, isn’t it? But consider the alternative – continuing to exhibit those behaviors with no explanation for them, continuing to have to pay the consequences… No, be glad that those days are over. Better days are coming. Believe me, dark days don’t last.

Wishing you peace and stability,

Remember God loves you and so do I,

Michele

There were times when I wondered, “Does bipolar disorder ever get any better?’ I had no one I could look at and say, “Now, they did it, so can I.” No great shiny examples of recovery from bipolar to model myself after, no great white hope for me, I felt like I was left to struggle on my own for answers to sometimes overwhelmingly baffling questions.

So does bipolar ever get any better? What at first seems like an easy answer may not be so easy to answer (I know, that may sound confusing in itself, tho I don’t mean it to be). I can tell you that my life has gotten better since I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder and I went on medication for it. Here’s what I mean:

Bipolar disorder wreaked chaos in my life. Or, I should say, undiagnosed and unmedicated bipolar disorder wreaked chaos in my life. The resulting behaviors (and consequences thereof) were sometimes insurmountable, making my life, in the end, totally unmanageable (by me).

I had to do something about it, finally. I had to turn to someone for help. I had no choice. Truly. Actually, the decision was pulled right out of my hands, as I didn’t even fully know what was happening to me when I was sent from work in an ambulance to the psychiatric institution where I was finally diagnosed with bipolar disorder.

Being diagnosed with bipolar disorder answered alot of questions for me. It explained alot of things that had gone on in my life, things, like I said, that had led up to my life becoming totally unmanageable. I mean, I could no longer even work! That was the final straw. I had worked my whole life, and now I couldn’t. Something had to be done. This just wasn’t ME! So I found out what it was. More than that, I found out that it was treatable. Good news for me.

But would it get better? That’s what I wanted to know, and that’s what no one would tell me. I mean, it wasn’t like the common cold, from which you could recover and get over, symptom free. No one could tell me I would never have another episode. In fact, just the opposite. They told me I WOULD have more episodes, especially as I got older. Bad news for me. Discouraging news for me.

But, in retrospect, (and I can only speak for me) it hasn’t worked out that way for me – I haven’t, in fact, had more episodes as I’ve gotten older. I haven’t had an episode in a long time. And my life is totally manageable now, with the help of medication, which I’ll have to take for the rest of my life, of course (but which I’ve come to accept, a reasonable compromise in turn for no more or seldom episodes).

So has my bipolar disorder gotten any better? I would say that it has, with time, medication, and proper management. That’s the best answer I can give you.

Wishing you peace and stability,

Remember God loves you and so do I,

Michele

Do you ever find yourself trying to just wish your bipolar disorder away? Like, “I wish I never had bipolar to begin with, my life would have been so much different!” While that is true, it definitely won’t help anything. In fact, it would be better to think of it in this light:

In looking back at my life, I can definitely see where my bipolar disorder had a negative influence over most of the bad things that happened in it. For example, I sure wouldn’t have gotten married as many times as I did had it not been for those manic episodes!! Even though I regretted my impulsive decisions afterward, I was still stuck with the consequences of my rash behavior, and talk about consequences! But wishing it away didn’t help my situation any. I still had to pay those consequences. And so my life went…

In college, it was impulsive, risky behavior that caused me to “lose time,” miss classes and miss work study so that I lost my financial aid and standing in school and have to leave halfway through my program of study in psychology. Yep, I was gonna be a psychologist and help all those other people with their problems. Talk about denial! But I couldn’t wish away the consequences of that either.

So much… so much of my past that I wish was different. I wished I’d married my high school sweetheart, I thought at one point… but then rationality took over and I realized that would have meant I wouldn’t have my children, and I wouldn’t be married to the wonderful husband I have now. Boy, talk about taking things for granted.

But here’s the biggest thing to consider, as far as it being dangerous to want to wish your bipolar disorder away. If you didn’t have bipolar, you wouldn’t be the person you are today. Right! And, believe it or not, that person is more intelligent, creative, wonderful, different, independent, unique, and individual than another person without the disorder might be! Did you ever consider that?

Also consider that your disorder has made you stronger than you otherwise might not be. Think of the saying, “Whatever doesn’t kill me just makes me stronger.” Yes, there were times that my bipolar did almost kill me (5 suicide attempts leading to hospitalizations)… but I am alive to tell the story, and I am stronger for it, never to make that mistake again.

No, I no longer wish my bipolar away. I still hate the fact that I have bipolar disorder, don’t get me wrong. I would rather not have it. And I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy. It has caused me a lot of grief in my life. And led to many terrible consequences over many years. But it has also made me who I am today, and I happen to like who I am. I have been able to help many people because of the fact that I have bipolar, people who might not otherwise have been helped, through my work with www.bipolarcentral.com and this blog. So, believe it or not, I am actually kind of grateful for my bipolar. I know that may sound “crazy,” but it’s true. It has made me a unique individual in a position to help others, and that makes me feel good about me.

Now, how about you? Still wish away your bipolar? Then think about the positives. It makes you YOU! And you are a wonderful person, just the way you are.

Wishing you peace and stability,

Remember God loves you and so do I,

Michele

How often do we take things for granted? Just go along, not even thinking, or remembering how bad things used to be, in light of how good things are now?

Here’s what I’m talking about: I remember how bad things used to be when, undiagnosed and unmedicated, I would jump from bipolar episode to episode. My life was completely unmanageable. I was completely out of control, not even realizing it half the time.

I was not only hurting myself, but I was hurting other people as well – pushing away friends and family, and anyone that cared about me was at arm’s length, afraid to approach me for fear of what “mood” I would be in, for fear of my lashing out at them at my worst, and unpredictable at my best.

No, things were not good at all, for a long time. In my episodes, I exhibited many risk taking and impulsive behaviors, many with dire consequences. It is only by God’s grace that I never landed in jail or had legal problems, as I know many people with bipolar disorder do. But I did do crazy things (like getting married whenever I went into a manic episode, times 4 LOL).

Funny to look back on all that now, though, as I’ve enjoyed stability for so long. And I do mean enjoyed. Sometimes to the point of taking it for granted, as I’m thinking about today, though. Which brings me to today’s topic: Being Grateful. I think we should never stop being grateful for each and every day that we don’t have an episode, don’t you? Especially in light of how bad things were when we did.

Think about it, and compare your life when you were struggling and having episodes all the time to where you are now, and be grateful. If you have days without episodes, be grateful! Thank God you’re not where you were. Thank God you’re not struggling any more. Thank God you’re not experiencing that hell any more. Thank God you’re seeing light at the end of the tunnel and experiencing peace and happiness.

If you are still struggling, however, let me offer some encouragement. It does get better. Just give it time. I know that may not seem like much if you’re still experiencing episodes, but take heart from my experiences and those of others who are now in recovery from bipolar disorder – it can happen just as well for you. Medication, the proper medication (and if yours is not working for you, see your doctor for an adjustment or change in it), can really help balance those unpredictable mood swings that interfere with your stability. Get on a good regimen and you too can see the light at the end of the tunnel. And be grateful for every day that you don’t have a bipolar episode. Those days may be few and far between for you right now, but hang in there – they will get better. Look at me – there was a time when I wouldn’t have believed it either, but it did happen over time. It just took time and being consistent and never giving up hope for stability.

Wishing you peace and stability,

Remember God loves you and so do I,

Michele

I know a woman with bipolar disorder who just can’t let things be. I mean, she picks at things like a scab, not letting the wound heal like it should, making things worse than they should be. I think this just keeps her sick, to tell you the truth.

But I remember when I was this way, so I certainly can’t judge her. I just couldn’t leave things alone. Like things in my past – I just kept bringing them up.

I know the past makes you who you are today, but some of us have some pretty bad pasts, and we need to let go of them. It’s ok to visit the past if you need to, but dwelling in the past can only get you into trouble. Especially if you have bipolar disorder, as it can lead to depression, and depression to a bipolar depressive episode. I know, because I’ve been there, too many times to count.

You can control this, though. You can choose NOT to pick at the scab, like this woman does and like I used to. If thoughts of the past, or of dangerous places you don’t need to go (in your thoughts) come up, just let them go.

How can you do this? By changing your thoughts. I know this may sound “easier said than done,” but believe me, it can be done, and it must be done if you’re gonna save yourself alot of heartache and some pretty bad bipolar episodes, if you’re ever gonna get better.

So, how to change your thoughts… I have a friend who’s a psychologist. And he taught me that when my racing thoughts, or negative thoughts, won’t stop, I should just keep repeating the word “nothing” to myself, over and over again until it sort of “washes” away the unwanted thoughts. Believe me, it works.

Another suggestion would be to use positive affirmations. These work, too. Especially if you’re working on some particular area you want to change. Like having negative thoughts. So, say you do want to have positive thoughts, but negative thoughts keep popping up from your past. Every time they do, you could say something to yourself such as, “The past is over with. I will live in the present.” This works as well.

You can be in control of your thoughts as well as your actions. Like this woman I was telling you about, who wouldn’t let things be. She not only wouldn’t let things be, but she would tell them to anyone who would listen! Thus ruining their day as well. Now, this isn’t fair to anyone else either, is it?

So think about other people, like your loved ones, or the person you’re in a relationship with, when you think about your past, or the things you won’t let be. They don’t want you to be a negative person, or to live in the past. They want you to be happy and successful in the present. And you can be! Even if it means changing your thoughts.

Wishing you peace and stability,

Remember God loves you and so do I,

Michele

Sometimes it’s ok to “just go along” for awhile… nothing really happening… nothing new, nothing exciting, nothing really changing. That’s better than the fake excitement of a bipolar manic episode, to be sure!

I talk to my mom every day. She has bipolar disorder, too. So we are kind of each other’s support system, and it helps to keep each other stable. But every day she asks me what’s new, and every day I pretty much say, “Nothing.”

I guess it’s good that nothing ever really changes with me, because it goes to show that I’m stable with my bipolar disorder.

I’d rather have things be the way they are now, with things going along just fine, then to have them the way they used to be…

Used to be that everything was a crisis, with the ups and downs and mood swings that bipolar just naturally brings into your life. It was horrible – I couldn’t be stabilized to save my life.

It took years and more medications than I can count to finally get me stabilized to the point where I am now so that I can say that I am just going along fine, with no ups and downs and no crises any more.

Now, don’t get me wrong. That isn’t to say that I will never have another episode ever again in my life. But the saying goes, “If I keep doing what I’m doing, I’ll keep getting what I’m getting.”

In other words, if I keep taking my medications like I do every day, and keep seeing my psychiatrist regularly, as well as keeping my life relatively stress-free, then I should be able to expect to keep “just going along”.

Wishing you peace and stability,

Remember God loves you and so do I,

Michele

Have you let bipolar disorder get you down? Have you let it make you feel like you are “less than”? Many people feel this way, just because they have a disorder, or a mental illness. This could be because they “buy into” what they believe other people think about them. Is this you?

You need to stay strong in your confidence. Bipolar doesn’t make you any different than anyone else. You are a normal person with a chemical disorder which you are learning to manage. That takes a lot of courage and a lot of confidence. And you need to stay strong in that confidence.

Most people don’t understand bipolar disorder. They don’t understand mental illness at all, therefore they probably don’t understand you. That’s a pretty lonely place to be. How can you stand strong in the face of this? Be confident. Think about your positive attributes. You have a serious disorder, yet you are handling it. Most people couldn’t do that.

Another way is to keep your eyes on the future – on your recovery. That’s how you can get stable. (By believing you will be stable one of these days.) That will give you strength in your confidence.

Stay positive, and believe in yourself. You can do this! You can stand against bipolar disorder and you can beat it! It will not beat you, but you will beat it instead, just keep believing that.

Keep making good decisions. This will keep you confident. This will keep you strong. And even more as each day goes by.

If you do these things, you will grow stronger in your confidence and in these other areas as well.

Wishing you peace and stability,

Remember God loves you and so do I,

Michele

Yes, I know it’s hard to live with bipolar disorder. I, too, live with it (suffer from it). There are good days, and there are bad days. But I get through them the best that I can. The point is, I get through them.

There were times that I wondered if I was even going to get through the day, and other times when I didn’t even want to, I was so depressed. So sometimes a good day was just getting off the couch.

These days things are so much better than that. My secret? I live one day at a time. And I have no great expectations of my bipolar disorder. Some days I still just expect to get through the day… and other days are still good days. But I take them as they come. It helps to have no expectations.

To take things more than one day at a time is too overwhelming for me. Yes, still. It is simpler and more peaceful for me to live one day at a time. I can handle things better that way.

I can track things easier on a daily basis as well. I can see if there is a pattern developing – if I seem to be going into a bipolar episode or not, so that I can head it off at the pass.

I don’t expect my life to be perfect. And I don’t expect to never have another episode. So I watch for them. I still watch myself closely. But I don’t ruin every day by expecting to have an episode that day. I expect to have a good day unless told otherwise.

Things are much better that way.

Wishing you peace and stability,

Remember God loves you and so do I,

Michele

Are you one of those people who takes care of everyone else before you take care of yourself? Feeling a little burned out lately? That could be why. You need to take care of yourself.

Maybe no one has ever told you that before, but you are the most important person in your life. If you don’t take care of yourself, who else is going to take care of you? Then what’s going to happen if you get sick or go into an episode?

One of the biggest parts of the management of bipolar disorder for us is self-care. There are just certain things we have to do to take care of ourselves that other people can’t or shouldn’t do for us that we should do for ourselves.

For example, and I know this is simplifying it, but grooming falls into that category. We should also be responsible for ourselves and our own actions and decisions (and the consequences of them). One way we can do that is to take our medications every day without fail and without prompting.

It’s also important to go to all our appointments as scheduled and, again, without prompting. We need to be responsible, and act like the adults that we are. It is this type of thing that will help us become stable and high-functioning.

Yes, we have bipolar disorder, but we don’t have to let the disorder rule our lives. We can take care of ourselves. We can do things that will help us become better over time.

Wishing you peace and stability,

Remember God loves you and so do I,

Michele