Bipolar Survivor

If anyone ever gave you the idea that once you went on medication for your bipolar disorder that you would never get angry again, they were wrong.  And if you believed that you would never get angry again, you were wrong.  Anger is a human emotion, and it happens to everyone.  It’s how you handle it that counts.

When we’re unmedicated (untreated) or undermedicated, or we’re off our medications and go into a manic rage, we can experience some really strong feelings of anger – that’s why it’s called a manic rage.  That’s when our anger is out of control.

When our anger is out of control, it is almost too late to do anything about it.  It takes a lot to rein in that anger once it’s gotten to the rage stage.  If you can recognize it then and intentionally rein it in, you can gain control over it, but it will take effort and energy on your part to do it.  It has to be a conscious choice and a decision at that point to turn back the rage.

The point is, you don’t want your anger to get that far, though.  You want to be able to control it so that you don’t go into a manic rage.

You will get angry.  You need to accept that.  Everyone gets angry sometimes.  But you need to handle it in a positive way.

One person uses what she calls the 10-10-10 rule.  It works like this:

She asks herself, “Is this worth getting angry over?  Will it have been worth getting angry over 10 minutes from now?  10 days from now?  10 years from now?”  In other words, she tries to put her anger into perspective.

For us, anger is usually a knee-jerk reaction to something someone else has said or done to us.  Part of our management of our bipolar disorder is learning how to be proactive instead of reactive.  So we learn how to manage our anger instead of reacting in anger.

Even using the 10-10-10 rule, as good as that is, is still reacting.  So how do we manage our anger in a proactive way?  First of all, we try to keep our stress levels as low as possible.  That way, there is less chance of us ever getting angry in the first place.

Then we surround ourselves with positive people.  Positive people are less prone to make us angry.  And less prone to get angry themselves.

We also try to avoid situations in which there is a chance that we might become angry.  It’s kind of like avoiding triggers to episodes.  You know what types of things (and people) make you angry.  So you avoid those types of things. 

For example, I hate waiting in line.  It can make me angry to have to wait in line for a long time.  So I don’t go places (like the movies) where I know I’m going to have to wait in line; thus, I avoid the trigger to the anger in the first place.

Should you find yourself getting angry, however, there are still some things you can do.  Self-talk is one of them.  You can use positive self-talk to calm yourself down. 

Tell yourself (think) things like, “I do not have to get angry over this – this too shall pass.”  “This is not this person’s fault.  They can’t help it.” (which is especially helpful in traffic).  “I will not get angry over this.  I am choosing not to get angry.  I will stay calm instead.”  These are just some examples.  Use whatever works for you.

Anger, although usually a reaction, can also be a choice.  You can choose NOT to react in anger.  And, in our case, it is the better choice to not react in anger, so that we don’t get to the manic rage stage, and so that we maintain our stability.

Wishing you peace and stability,

Remember God loves you and so do I,

Michele

I’m not as bad as I used to be, really I’m not – I actually used to be worse about worrying about things and jumping to conclusions and letting things get me down.  I had to find a way to get out from under all those things, because they were causing me to go into depressions, sometimes some real deep bipolar ones.

Bipolar disorder can be like that sometimes – take you places you don’t want to go, like into the pits!  You could be having a nice day, everything going along like it should, then WHAM!  You get some bad news, and the next thing you know, you’re crying and depressed.

I had that happen to me this week, and it took me by surprise, because I’ve been stable for so long!  My mistake was that I let myself get complacent.  I haven’t been depressed in so long, so I figured it was, like, out of my system or something – that I can deal with things now.

Well, a lot of things have been happening to people close to me, and one day they all hit me at once.  I made the mistake of taking them on myself, and they overwhelmed me. 

I did what I’m always telling you NOT to do – I tell you NOT to take other people’s problems on yourself.  Well, for awhile there, I broke my own rule, and I stewed in other people’s problems, which of course made me depressed.  Not a bipolar episode, just about a half hour of crying and depression.

Then I remembered one of my old tricks to get me out of my depressions:  It’s called the “Will It Make a Difference Trick.”  I ask myself, “Will it make a difference if you get depressed about this today?”  “Will it make a difference if you are depressed about this tomorrow?”  “Will it make a difference if you are depressed about this over the weekend?”  “Will it make a difference if you are depressed about this next week?” etc. etc.

In other words, will my getting depressed about it make any difference at all?  And in 100% of the cases, the answer has always been NO!  So, like this time, after only a half hour, I dried my tears, gave it to God, and went about the rest of my day.

I can’t afford to take on other people’s problems.  Which isn’t to say I don’t care (I do) – these are two different things.  I do what I can to help them, and then I leave the rest alone.  Dwelling on their problems will only make me depressed, and then I have another problem to deal with (my depression), which doesn’t help matters at all.

What difference does it make if I get depressed over things I can do nothing about?  Absolutely none.  So I’m better off leaving them alone.  In my case, I leave them to someone who is more capable of doing something about them than I am – God.

Wishing you peace and stability,

Remember God loves you and so do I,

Michele

We’ve all heard of the Golden Rule, right?  Treat others as you would want them to treat you.  Well, try it this way:  Treat yourself as you would want others to treat you.  A little harder, huh?  Especially when you throw bipolar disorder into the mix.

Bipolar tends to make us think less of ourselves, and that’s part of the battle.  We have to fight those awful mood swings, and especially the depression.  When we’re down, it certainly colors the way we see everything, even ourselves. 

During a depression, we can look down on ourselves, even to feeling helpless and hopeless.  Our self-esteem suffers, and we struggle with our identity in light of our disorder.  That’s what bipolar can do to us if we don’t fight it.

But we do need to fight it, every day.  We need to remember that we are NOT our disorder!  Bipolar disorder is something we HAVE, not something we ARE!  If we had a heart condition or diabetes, we wouldn’t identify ourselves with our condition, would we?  Then we shouldn’t do it with our bipolar, either. 

It is something outside of our identity, outside of who we really are, deep inside, our core personality – it’s just an illness that we have, it is not who we are.

Sorry, I know I can get to preaching about that sometimes, as I feel so strongly about it.  I have seen too many people with bipolar really struggle with that concept, and their self-esteem shattered by the disorder.

If you can just take the Golden Rule and adapt it to yourself, like I said in the beginning of this post, it might help you.  Just learn to treat yourself as you would want others to treat you.  In other words, treat yourself as you would treat anyone else. 

You do treat other people with kindness, don’t you?  Then treat yourself with kindness, too.  You are good to others, aren’t you?  Then be good to yourself.  You treat others with respect, don’t you?  Then treat yourself with the same respect that you show others.  I’m sure you get the idea.

Don’t let your bipolar disorder rob you of the dignity that is inherently yours.  Treat yourself the same way you would treat anyone else, and the same way you would want someone else to treat you.  Do this long enough, and you will find that your self-respect and self-esteem will rise in spite of your bipolar disorder.

Wishing you peace and stability,

Remember God loves you and so do I,

Michele

Yesterday we had my son and his girlfriend over for dinner, and I actually had fun!  I remembered, though, when my bipolar was so overwhelming that I couldn’t have fun doing anything.

That’s why I want to remind you that you should still have fun, despite having bipolar disorder.  Somebody with the disorder told me once, “Yes, I  have bipolar disorder, but it’s not a death sentence – I can still have fun!”  That’s what I’m talking about.

Yes, bipolar is a serious mental illness, and we should take it seriously.  We should do everything in our power to manage it so that we can stay stable.  I’m not saying that we shouldn’t take it seriously.  But not so seriously that we don’t have fun in our lives.

If we’re stable, there should be room for fun.  In fact, part of our treatment should be doing things that make us feel good.  Whatever it is that makes you feel good, you should do it – it will help you to stay balanced, it will improve your mood, and ultimately, it will keep you stable.

Different things work for different people – some like the outdoors, so they do things outdoors for fun.  Other people prefer indoor activities.  Some like sports related activities, while others don’t.  Some like activities that involve people, while others don’t. 

The important thing is that whatever it is, it is fun for you.  So kick back and enjoy yourself in spite of your bipolar disorder!

Wishing you peace and stability,

Remember God loves you and so do I,

Michele

Sometimes things pile up when you have bipolar disorder.  It just happens.  One thing happens after another, and pretty soon you feel overwhelmed by everything.  If you’re not careful, you can go into a bipolar episode.

If you try to do everything at once, you can go manic and go into a manic episode.

If you let everything get to you, you can go into a depressive episode.

So what’s the answer?  You have to face everything realistically, without getting too overwhelmed.

What do I mean by that?  I mean, it sounds kind of too pat of an answer, doesn’t it?  Too easy.  Yeah, even to me.  So here’s what I’m talking about:  you have to take a step back from all your problems and look at them individually, putting them in a priority order – that’s how you look at them realistically.

You can put them in order by easiest to hardest or hardest to easiest, it doesn’t matter, but you have to arrange them in some kind of order by rank.  It just helps to look at them that way.

I put mine in easiest to hardest order – I like to see them that way, plus, I can usually knock off the easiest problem, well, the easiest!   Then I start tackling the other problems in order by rank.  Before you know it, I’m down to just the hardest problem, which takes a little more energy and creativity to solve.

There have been times, though, that I go right to the toughest problem first, figuring if I can knock that one out, the others are a piece of cake.  Other people do it this way, too.  It doesn’t matter which order you do them, just that you do them.

You need to do this so that things don’t keep piling up on you, and so that you don’t get overwhelmed.  Like I said, if you don’t, you could very well go into a bipolar episode.

This is all just part of the self-care part of managing your bipolar disorder.

Wishing you peace and stability,

Remember God loves you and so do I,

Michele

I recently read that happiness is a state of mind, and I definitely agree with that.  However, I guarantee you that person never went through a bipolar depressive episode.  I also guarantee you that someone didn’t say to them, “Aww… c’mon, happiness is just a state of mind.  You could be happy if you really wanted to.” 

Uh-uh.  Wrong thing to say to someone who is struggling through the depths of depression.  Have you ever been there?  Then you know what I’m talking about.  As much as you would love to be happy at that moment, your brain chemicals are just not cooperating.  Not your fault!

Although, on the other hand, there are things you can do to improve your state of mind when you are depressed.  I mean, staying in bed with the covers over your head trying to pretend that your problems will just magically go away and you will wake up and not be depressed just isn’t going to make it.  That’s not the way to go about it.

You may not be able to jump up and down and do the Snoopy happy dance yet, but you can at least not drown out your sorrows by sleeping all day.  You can at least get out of bed and try to do something productive.  Then you can at least take some pride in yourself for accomplishing something that day.  That’s at least something!

Again, the things you do to fight depression may not make you want to dance, but they can help keep the depression from deepening.  Productivity is really good for that.

So is doing something that makes you feel good about yourself.  Doing something nice for someone else is good for that.  You always feel good when you help someone else.  Taking care of yourself makes you feel better, too - do something that makes you feel good, whatever that is. 

Take a bubble bath!  Watch a funny video.  Be with some good friends (or even just one good friend, as long as they make you feel better) or family members.  Read a good book (as long as it makes you feel better).  Go outside (especially if you’ve been inside for awhile) and do something fun.

Just doing something, anything, to make yourself feel better is a good step to fighting the depression that threatens to overwhelm you.

Wishing you peace and stability,

Remember God loves you and so do I,

Michele

Have you ever heard that expression, “K.I.S.S. (Keep It Simple, Silly?)”  Well, I think it’s good advice for someone who has bipolar disorder.

For our own sakes, we have to keep things simple.  It’s making things complicated that put many of us into bipolar episodes.

For some, when things got too complicated, we would just crawl into our beds, pull the covers over our heads, and go into a deep depression (bipolar depressive episode).

For others the complications would get us all wound up, and we would go manic, ending up in a bipolar manic episode.

Now, trying to stay stable, the less complicated things are, the better it is for us.

This can take some work, however.  It can mean having to remove some things (people) from our lives that may be cluttering them up, or being a negative influence over us.

Especially if things (people) are causing stress in our lives.  We have to live as stress free a life as possible because of our bipolar disorder, so that could mean we have to remove the sources of stress, even if they are people.

I’m not saying this is necessarily an easy thing to do, just that it must be done if you want to be stable.  Stress leads to instability, and instability leads to bipolar episodes, the very thing we’re trying to avoid.

So we must keep our lives as simple, as stress-free as possible, even if it means making some changes in our lives.

If you are in a particularly stress-causing situation, even a relationship, you need to give serious consideration to getting yourself out of that situation.  It may mean leaving that job, or even ending that relationship.

The most important thing is protecting your stability, whatever you have to do.  That’s the only way to recover from bipolar disorder.

Wishing you peace and stability,

Remember God loves you and so do I,

Michele

No one ever told me that living with bipolar disorder would be easy.  In fact, they told me the opposite.  They said that living with bipolar would be very difficult.  I have to tell you, they were right.

Even though I’ve been stable for a long time, I still have my up and down days.  It’s still difficult sometimes for me.  I wish it were easier.  But bipolar disorder is still my enemy, and threatens to steal my joy at every turn.

I still have to take my medications, see my doctor, psychiatrist, and therapist, and do all the things that keep me stable, or I might go into a bipolar episode.  Still, after all this time.  I’ll have to do all these things for the rest of my life if I want to stay stable.

My life isn’t perfect just because I’m stable.  I still have problems.  Just living this life you’re going to have problems – it’s the nature of the beast.

But my parents told me early in life that you have to face up to your problems – you can’t hide from them.  That was the source of many of my depressions – I would pull the covers over my head and try to pretend that my problems didn’t exist (I was trying to hide from them).  Didn’t do any good, of course – they were still there when I finally removed the covers.  And I was that much worse for the wear.  With no solutions.

You have to confront your problems with bipolar.  Face them head-on.  The solution may not be right there in front of you right now, but it is there somewhere.  You just might have to look for it.  The point is that you do look for it – don’t just pretend that the problem doesn’t exist.  That won’t help you at all, because problems don’t go away by themselves.

If you have a problem, look at it realistically.  If you don’t see an immediate solution, don’t worry, one will come eventually.  Make a list of possible solutions, even if they don’t seem feasible at the time.

Then look at your list.  Cross off those things that are obviously not solutions.  Then look at what’s left.  You might have a solution right there.  If not, start over again.  Or try again the next day.  Something will eventually pop up.

There is an expression that says, “The impossible just takes a little longer.”  I like that.  It gives me hope that even the worst problem can be solved.

Try to be optimistic.  Believe that you can solve your problem, and you will.  Ask for help if you need it.  Don’t be too proud to ask for help.  Sometimes we all need a little bit of help.  And sometimes someone else can see the answer where you can’t.

The worse thing you can do is to ignore the problem.  Like I said, problems don’t just go away because we wish them to.  You have to confront your problems head-on.

Wishing you peace and stability,

Remember God loves you and so do I,

Michele

I’ll admit it, even though I’ve been stable for a long time, there are still times that I get discouraged.  I mean, I accept that I have bipolar disorder, but I still don’t like it. 

And sometimes it gets tedious doing everything I have to do to stay stable.  Don’t get me wrong, I’m not about to stop taking my medications or change anything about the routine that keeps me stable, because I don’t dare – there is no way I want to go into another bipolar episode.

It’s just that every once in awhile I do get discouraged.  Not every day is all peachy keen.  But nobody ever said it would be, either.  I was told that no matter how stable I get, there will still be ups and downs – it’s just the nature of the beast.

So how do I encourage you when I know that you’ll experience the same thing (may even be experiencing it now)?  All I can say is just keep on keeping on.  Just keep going, even though it’s not always easy.

Even when times are tough, you just need to keep going.  Do the things you need to do to stay stable, in spite of fluctuating moods.  Keep taking your medications.  Go to see your doctor, psychiatrist and therapist.  Go to your support group.  Stick to your diet.  Keep your regular sleep schedule.  Stay productive. 

Whatever it takes, protect your stability.  Whatever the cost – it is just too precious to lose.  Think about it this way – you can’t trust your emotions.  Emotions fluctuate along with your moods.  But you can trust good thoughts.  Try to stay positive about things.

For example, when your mood slips, and your thoughts stray toward the negative, turn it around and remind yourself how far you’ve come, how long you’ve been stable, how long since your last bipolar episode.  Then congratulate yourself on your recovery so far!  You’ve done real well considering how bad you used to be!

If you stick to the bright side of things, you can never go wrong.  Even when you get discouraged, which may still happen sometimes.

Wishing you peace and stability,

Remember God loves you and so do I,

Michele

I just got back from doing an In Our Own Voice training weekend for NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness).  It went great!  We trained 10 new presenters.  IOOV is a program where you go out to different places and tell your story about recovery from mental illness, hopefully lowering the public’s stigma against it.  It’s a great program, and I’m proud not just to be a presenter, but to be a national trainer as well.

Anyway, it made me think of today’s topic:  There’s always room for improvement with bipolar disorder.  Because getting trained to be a presenter and trainer for IOOV was one of the ways I improved myself in my recovery from bipolar disorder.

There was a time when I was too sick to even attempt something like this, so being able to accomplish this is a real success for me, and shows that recovery is possible, even for someone with ultra rapid cycling bipolar like I have.

I don’t think anyone should be satisfied with their diagnosis and that’s it.  I think you should try to better yourself any way you can.  I mean it breaks my heart when I see that commercial for depression on TV that says, “Who does depression hurt?  Everyone.  Where does depression hurt? Everywhere.”  And it shows all these people really hurting from it.  It makes it seem so hopeless.

There are many, many people struggling with bipolar disorder right now.  But that doesn’t mean that they’ll be hopeless forever.  That’s one of the things that I stress in my IOOV talk – that recovery is possible.  For some people, it’s the first time they’ve ever heard that!  Some people actually think they are hopeless just because they’ve been diagnosed with bipolar.

But there is always room for improvement with bipolar disorder.  You won’t always stay in bed, if that’s where you are.  I know, I was there.  There was a whole month where I couldn’t get out of bed even if I tried.  I thought I was hopeless, helpless, worthless, and I just wanted to die.  Yes, for someone with bipolar disorder, life can seem that bad sometimes.  But it doesn’t have to stay that way.

With a good treatment plan, including medication and a good doctor, psychiatrist and therapist, improvement will happen.  But you’ve got to be motivated, and you have to believe that recovery is not only possible, but that it is possible for you.

There are others like me who were “throwaways” – people thought we’d never recover.  But look at me now!  I’ve been stable now for five years, and during that time I have been able to accomplish so much, including the fact that I now have 4 books available on amazon.com!  My lifelong dream was to be a writer, and now I am!

So that just goes to show you that if you don’t give up, if you keep striving toward stability and recovery, that you may very well attain some of those hopes and dreams yourself!  The point is NOT to give up!  No matter what the doctors say.  Remember, I was one of the worst cases the doctors had ever seen, and look at me now!  They’d never believe it!  But I proved them wrong.

Never give up hope.  And always try to improve yourself.  Keep taking your medication religiously, and seeing your medical and mental health professionals.  Mostly, believe in yourself and your ability to reach stability and to recover.  You need to be your own biggest cheerleader!

Wishing you peace and stability,

Remember God loves you and so do I,

Michele