Bipolar Survivor

Well, I’m still in Florida visiting with my parents, and it just occurred to me that I’m glad to have bipolar disorder.  Before you start thinking I’m in an episode or, God forbid, all out crazy, let me explain myself.

There are blessings in the disorder, if you accept them.  Right now I’m with my mom, who also has bipolar disorder.  Both of us having the disorder brings a special bond with it.  Like the saying, “Only an alcoholic can understand another alcoholic,” it seems like “only someone with bipolar disorder can understand someone else with the disorder.”  That’s how it is with my mom and me. 

We are able to discuss bipolar-related events, feelings, thoughts, experiences, etc.  We are safe from the possible stigma of an “outsider.”  But the biggest blessing is that we know we’re not alone in this fight for sanity.  We have each other for support.

In addition, my husband also has bipolar disorder, as I have shared before, and that is a blessing as well.  He understands me as his wife, his best friend, another recovering alcoholic and addict, and also as another fellow sufferer of bipolar disorder.  So with him, too, I know I’m not alone.

This being alone thing is a real issue for people who have bipolar disorder.  If you don’t have a strong support system — wait, I’ll go back even further than that, because before you even form your support system, you have to accept that you have the disorder, and that you can’t recover by yourself — you won’t be able to reach stability.  And if you don’t open up about what you go through to someone else, you won’t know that you’re not alone.

I truly believe in a strong support system, because like the first step in AA, NA, or any other 12-Step program, “I admit that I’m powerless over bipolar disorder and that my life has become unmanageable.”  It’s easy to work the 12 steps on my bipolar because, for instance, Step 2 acknowledges that “Only a power greater than myself can restore me to sanity.”  Of course, first you have to admit that you’re insane, which anyone who has been through a major manic or depressed episode (especially if you have psychotic symptoms with it, like I do) can readily do.

But the 3rd step, turning my life over to the care of God (as I understand him), takes away my powerlessness.  Bipolar disorder, I’m glad to say, no longer has power over me.  I have learned, over the years (and sometimes the hard way), that the disorder CAN be managed (controlled).

It’s like being in remission from cancer.  And I know some people reading this might be offended that I would compare bipolar disorder to cancer, but hear me out.  I acknowledge that cancer is a life-threatening, absolutely horrible, disease to have.  And I am not discounting that by any means.  But those of us with bipolar disorder (and our supporters) know that our disorder can be just as life-threatening. 

But the point is, like a cancer victim going into remission, we can also go “into remission” with our bipolar disorder.  If you consider remission to be “the absence of symptoms.”  And whether you’ve ever looked at it that way or not, success with bipolar disorder is when you reach stability (remission) – the absence of bipolar symptoms.

Anyway, I said all that to say this:  I’m glad I have bipolar disorder and not some other non-treatable disease.  Maybe we have no cure for our disease yet – but we can get control over it.

Wishing you peace and stability,

Remember God loves you and so do I,

Michele

I have started doing my Christmas shopping on ebay, and I have to tell you what happened.

I collect kneeling Santa’s, and had won the ebay auction on a decoupage kneeling Santa ornament.  I paid for it right away.

Today I got an email from the woman who was selling it, telling me that when she looked at it, she felt it was below standard, so she took it upon herself to re-decoupage it, and also refunded my money – so she is sending me the ornament anyway, but better than the original. 

It struck me – that this is the way people should always treat each other (whether they have bipolar disorder or not).  This woman is doing me a great kindness, and she didn’t have to.  Needless to say, I will cherish the ornament.

Why do people only seem to treat each other with kindness at Christmastime?  It’s true that “Jesus is the Reason for the Season,” but He’s the reason for the other 364 days a year as well. 

I’m so grateful when things like what happened with the ornament happen to me.  It reminds me that there is still kindness left in the world.  So many people, especially because of the recession, have become cynical and bitter.  As have people with bipolar disorder.

I know that things are rough for everyone right now – I am struggling myself to make ends meet in this poor economy.  But kindness doesn’t cost a thing, and you never know who you’re going to touch in any given day.

I would encourage you that, as much as you appreciate kindness from others to you, that you extend “random acts of kindess” to others not just this holiday season, but all the time.

Wishing you peace and stability,

Remember God loves you and so do I,

Michele

Well, I’m down in Florida visiting my parents – grabbed a quick vacation from my busy schedule.  It’s great shopping for winter clothes in a place that doesn’t really have winter!  I’ve had so much fun shopping the thrift stores, and getting great deals.  Being on disability, I have to do some creative financing to be able to go shopping.  But since I have lost weight, all my winter clothes are too big.  Ok, I’ll tell the truth – it’s just an excuse to go shopping.  At least it’s not manic shopping!  And I am so grateful for that – that I am balanced and stable, and can go shopping without fear now.

Anyway, my being on vacation gave me a real good topic for today’s post – because bipolar disorder does not take a vacation.

One of the first things I did in getting prepared to come down here was to check all my medications and make sure I would have enough for the whole time I’m down here.  Once I went on a cruise and didn’t do that and ran out of one of my prescriptions, and you can’t exactly fill a prescription in the Bahamas!  Luckily it wasn’t one of my main meds, so I didn’t even come close to going into an episode, but it sure taught me a lesson.

No, bipolar disorder does not take a vacation.  You’ve heard the expression, “Wherever you go, there you are.”  So wherever I go I take my bipolar disorder with me.  And I have to be extra careful watching myself so that I don’t get TOO excited.  Some excitement, yes.  Too much – manic episode!  And that’s the best way to ruin a perfectly planned vacation.

I also like being here in a place where I don’t have to hide my disorder.  My mom has bipolar disorder too, so we’re able to be real with each other.  It’s not often that I get a chance to talk about my disorder to someone else who has it, so that has been a real blessing.

It’s also been great just being with my parents.  There were several years before I was diagnosed where my bipolar behavior had kind of isolated me from them, so now I cherish the time we do have together.  I don’t get to come down very often, because it’s a long drive from TN to FL, so I make the most of it when I can.

So many times I hear people say, “I wish I didn’t have bipolar disorder.”  And I feel like saying, “So, who doesn’t?”  Because this disorder can cause such havoc in a person’s life until they really get stable.  But my mom has diabetes, and she struggles more with that than with her bipolar.  She’s been stable for a long time, although her last episode lasted SIX months!  It was horrible – she didn’t know that bipolar disorder can “morph,” and change over time.  Someone who has never been violent before can all of a sudden become short-tempered and go into a rage.

See, my mom has always had manic episodes.  This was her first depressive episode, and it really took its toll on her – especially since it took so much time to get her stabilized.  Now she is doing fantastic, though, and even working! (Mom is in her 70’s).  She is a demonstrator for Cosco (like Sam’s Club), you know, one of the people who gives you samples of food?  And she’s been there for 10 years!  Just goes to show you that no matter how bleak it looks, or as much as you may not believe you can get better, you can.

Once I reached stability I also was able to go back to work – I just work from home, which is necessary for me to stay stable.  The ole “wherever you go, there you are” of taking my bipolar with me hurts me when I’m around a lot of people – even though they were co-workers, they became afraid of me when I was diagnosed.  I even lost my job over it.

But whenever God shuts a door, he opens a window, and I am so grateful to have found my job working for www.bipolarcentral.com.  I’ve been there over 4 years now, where before I couldn’t hold a job longer than 6 months.  I especially like it because not only do I not have to hide my disorder, but I get the opportunity to actually help other people with the disorder.

Well, I’m going to go back to my vacation in sunny Florida!

Wishing you peace and stability (wherever you go with your bipolar),

Remember God loves you and so do I,

Michele

Here’s my short commercial for today:  VOTE FOR ME TODAY AT WELLSPHERE.COM.  My blog also appears on Wellshere.com, as some of you know.  Right now they are seeking to find out who should be in the Top 100 Bloggers, and I am in the running.  I need all the votes I can get.  You just have to go to:  http://www.wellsphere.com to cast your vote.   In the search box, type in Michele Soloway Sexton.  That will bring up all my posts.  There will be an icon with a small b in a circle.  Just click on that icon to vote.

Thanks so much for your vote.  Please tell anyone else you know to vote for me, too, ok?

Now that the commercial’s over, let’s talk about today’s subject:  ANTICIPATION

Anticipation is not necessarily a bad thing, but it can be troublesome for some people who have bipolar disorder.  Here’s why:

Let’s use the coming holidays as an example (although it can apply to any situation in which you feel anticipation, any upcoming event).

Anticipation in a good way means looking forward to something.  So, say, you’re looking forward to the holidays.  You’re getting excited, now that the stores have their decorations up and holiday items for sale.  You may be looking forward to holiday gatherings with your loved ones, as well.

Anticipation in a bad way is worrying about something coming up in the future.  Even using the same example – let’s say that you really don’t want to go to your relatives’ house for Thanksgiving, so you are already anticipating a bad time.

At its worst, anticipation leads to anxiety and stress, which are two of the biggest triggers to a bipolar episode.  So you need to watch your level of anticipation and, not only that, but your attitude toward the upcoming event.

You are not at the mercy of anticipation, however.  You can choose whether to look forward to something or dreading it.  You can also choose not to attend the event as well.  Another option would be to leave early, so that you make your appearance, but you leave before you get too anxious or stressed out.

The best anticipation is anticipation of recovery from bipolar disorder.  And there, I’m right with you!

Wishing you peace and stability,

Remember God loves you and so do I,

Michele

I am happy.  I have a good life.  Now, I’ve had to work real hard at it, doing all the things I have to do to remain stable with bipolar disorder, but I am happy.

Unfortunately, I think you can be TOO happy with bipolar disorder, because it makes you manic, and the next thing you know you’re in a deep manic episode.  It’s too much of an extreme, and you become imbalanced.

In other words, there has to be a balance.  You just can’t go too far one way or the other (depressed or manic), and you have to be able to control your disorder, instead of it controlling you (dictating your moods, etc.).

I am stable.  I take pride in that, because it was hard-fought and won.  And it took some time, and a lot of positive energy and optimistic thinking.  First, I had to believe I COULD be stable which, at one point, seemed like it could NEVER happen to someone like me, I was that bad.

But I am humble as well.  I didn’t get stable all by myself.  There were other people who helped me – my support system and the medical and mental health professionals (and the hospitals a time or two).

I am blessed, because I enjoy the fruits of stability – a wonderful and supportive husband, a great marriage, 3 great kids, a home, a car, a job that I love, etc.  But I use the word “blessed” instead of “lucky” because I don’t think luck had anything to do with it.

At one point, I questioned my own faith, as I thought God deserted me when I prayed about being healed from bipolar disorder and wasn’t.

But at some point I realized that it is because God did not choose to heal me that I’ve done the most good.  This blog (and my two others) for example.  And the work I do for www.bipolarcentral.com and NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness).

So I actually give God credit for my stability.  What’s the difference between stability and cure anyway?  A cure would be never having symptoms again, wouldn’t it?  Well, stability is basically the same thing – the absence of bipolar symptoms.  Granted, it takes medication for me to be able to be stable, but I don’t mind – it keeps me this side of rationality and sanity!

There was a point when I really struggled with bipolar stability.  Back then, I thought I could do it all myself.  I found out the hard way that you CAN be TOO happy with bipolar disorder, for example, when I landed in the hospital in a manic episode.  That’s how I learned that the key is BALANCE.

Now, I am balanced physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually.  I basically live a stress-free life (by living and working in a stress-free home environment).  And I am so grateful for all my blessings.

Because of having bipolar disorder, I am able to help so many people.  Between the blogs, the website, and the presentations I do for NAMI’s In Our Own Voice program, I know that my story and insights into the disorder have helped so many other people who might be struggling like I did.

For one thing, I know that many have learned to separate themselves from their bipolar, and not to feel guilty or different or “less than,” just because they have bipolar disorder.  And that is SO important!  I call bipolar “the dragon,” because it helps me to keep myself separate from the disorder.  I AM OK!  In spite of the fact that I have this disorder, which at several points tried to take my life.

I also try to give people with bipolar disorder the knowledge that they are not alone.  And that stability IS possible!  Because if I could do it, as hopeless a case as I was, I believe anyone can do it.

Basically what I’m about is encouragement – whether spiritual or practical.  I honestly try to help other people any way I can, especially those with a mental illness or a loved one with a mental illness.  Yet God keeps me humble.  I can’t take credit for any of it – all I can do is the footwork, He is responsible for the outcome.

And on that note, I wish you peace and stability,

Remember God loves you and so do I,

Michele

Today I saw a bumper sticker on the back of a car that read, “Life is Good.”  I thought about that today, and you know, life can still be good even if you have bipolar disorder, because life is what you make it.

If you have a bad attitude, chances are your life isn’t going to be all diamonds and roses.  However, if you have a positive attitude, IN SPITE OF the fact that you have bipolar disorder, you will most likely have a good life.

I’ve been having problems with one of my medications lately (not doing its job), so I’ve been experiencing some loss of sleep, and I’m being extra careful because I know that lack of sleep can be a trigger to a manic episode for me.

Does that mean that life isn’t good because I’ve got BP?  NO.  It just means I have a temporary problem that needs to be solved.  Needless to say, I called my psychiatrist’s office for help, because I know this isn’t something I can handle by myself.  There was a time when I self-medicated my bipolar symptoms with drugs and alcohol, but I’m not that person any more.  Today I ask for help when I need it.

Life is still good, even though I have bipolar disorder.

Last night I got a call that a friend of mine from high school (actually, we go all the way back to elementary school) who lives in Atlanta was going to be here in my area for the day today, so hubby and I met him for lunch.

We had such a good time – over 2 hours passed before anyone even looked at the time!  It was a very pleasant lunch, and I had so much fun reminiscing with Paul!

It was on the way home that I saw that bumper sticker that said, “Life is Good,” and I thought about how good my life really is (compared to my past, as some of you know).

I have a wonderfully supportive, giving, and loving husband, who really helps me to stay stable.  He also has bipolar disorder, so he can relate to the down days I get sometimes, and can also give me a reality check when I get a little manicky.

I have a beautiful home that I live in, with lots of pictures of family on top of the TV.  I am surrounded by the things I love, and feel so comfy and cozy when I’m home.

I have two parents who are still living and active, and healthy, and I get to go visit them in Florida a few times a year.  And, of course, I talk to my mom pretty much every day (free long distance is great, isn’t it?)!

I have a great (second-hand) car that runs and has nothing wrong with it (yes!) and gets me where I need to go.

I have such a good dog, too.  Princess is great for petting and stroking when I’m feeling down.  It’s also nice to be needed.  I love that expression, “Someday I hope to be the person that my dog already thinks I am.”

I have 3 great sons (19 going on 20. 25. and 27), and they bring such joy to my life.  I am so proud of them.

I have friends, like the one from high school that we had lunch with today, and I always know they are only a prayer away if I need them.

I have a blessed, blessed relationship with Jesus that carries me through even the hardest times in my life, in the ups and downs of living with something like bipolar disorder.

And I have a job that I love (I can’t believe I get paid for this) writing for www.bipolarcentral.com.  I get to work from home, so there is no real stress.  And the extra money helps supplement my Disability checks, so we are ok financially.  I may not have everything I want, but I do always have what I need (had to learn that one the hard way).

So there it is, folks!  All the makings of a good life, tied up with a bow of happiness.  IN SPITE OF having bipolar disorder, I am happy.  So for those of you who are struggling, please don’t give up hope.  This life could be yours, too.  Because life really is good, even if you have bipolar disorder.

Wishing you peace and stability,

Remember God loves you and so do I,

Michele

There was a time when bipolar disorder was a dark shade against my window of the world.  But eventually, I got better.  Now I believe that my bipolar disorder is really a blessing in disguise.

I was working as a medical transcriptionist when I lost it and had to be hospitalized, where I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. 

One of the biggest problems is that I was a workaholic.  And a perfectionist.  And the two don’t go too well together for your mental health, if you know what I mean.  I was bound to crash at some point.

I expected too much from myself.  Way more than other people expected of me or that I would ever expect from someone else.  So I broke.

Sometimes I think that the bipolar disorder was a great big STOP sign for me.  It made me stop and take a look at how I was living and that I wasn’t taking care of myself, working too hard, having the wrong priorities, etc.

I lost my job because of the bipolar disorder, but today that is a blessing, because I’m able to work from home in a stress-free environment, which the hospital absolutely was not.  I can work around my “bad bipolar days” and do work that I love.  Here’s what I’m talking about — I was very good at being a medical transcriptionist, but I didn’t love it.  It makes a big difference when you are doing what you love — and getting paid for it!

Plus, I’m able to be myself.  I don’t have to worry about what people think, or trying to hide my bipolar disorder.  I had to do a lot of self-examination because of the BP, and I have grown and emerged a stable person who is very happy with her life.

Because I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder, I was able to go on Disability, which provides a fixed income for me.  The work I do for www.bipolarcentral.com is just ice cream on the cake (you’re allowed to make a certain amount above Disability, because it’s certainly not enough to live off).

My self-esteem has improved tremendously.  I never realized how much that job was really stressing me out and taking its toll on me.

Now that I’m not there any more, I am so much more relaxed, content, and stable, and can concentrate on what I really want to do – help people; specifically people with a mental illness.

Tonight I am giving another talk for NAMI’s In Our Own Voice program, where I will tell my story and try to encourage other people with a mental illness that they are not alone, and that recovery is possible.  I always call it my “putting a face on mental illness.”

Too many people think a diagnosis of bipolar disorder is a death sentence – whether because it has no cure (yet) or because it is a kind of death to the life you lived before you got diagnosed.  I’ll take the latter, thank you very much.  I didn’t realize how off-kilter my world (and me) really was.

Bipolar disorder makes me look at myself every day and like what I see.  I take care of myself now.  I am more careful in my decision-making.  I have a strong support system (where before I was too busy overworking that I never had friends or any down time – I took all the overtime I could get, even on Sundays).

Now I am not just mentally and emotionally stable, but I am spiritually fit as well.  I didn’t even have time for God in my life before — I was too busy being that workaholic.  It’s like I was on a train to self-destruction.

Luckily I was diagnosed properly and put on medication that helps me to be who I am today, and keeps me stable.  Don’t get me wrong – I still have a responsibility in my stability.  I have to take my medication, avoid triggers, watch for signs of an episode, avoid stressful situations and toxic people, make sure I get a good night’s sleep, go to see my doctor, psychiatrist, and therapist regularly, etc.

But my life now is so much better than it was before.  I really believe that bipolar disorder was a blessing in disguise.

What about you?  Can you see how bipolar disorder may really be a blessing for you?

Wishing you peace and stability,

Michele

I know I’ve written other posts on this topic, but it seems to be one that people want to know about, so I figured I’d run through my recent thoughts on the subject.

I can only talk to you from my own point of view and my own experience, strength, and hope, and hopefully it will just point you in the right direction to make your own normal life with bipolar disorder.

It’s kind of like the Steps in AA/NA (or any 12-step program) – Step One is to admit that you are powerless over bipolar disorder and that your life has become unmanageable.

Most people are readily able to do that.  Bipolar disorder can bring financial destruction down upon an individual and/or family faster than any other disease, in my opinion.  Especially when you lose your job because of it, like I did.

Also, I found that I was unable to handle my own finances.  I just sort of “ignored” those things I didn’t want to face — like over 120 days bills I owed.  I couldn’t even balance my checkbook.  Today I live a normal life with bipolar disorder – I had help going through my past finances to get them in order, and now I do them by myself.  I am on disability, so every month, on the 3rd when I get my check, I pay ALL my bills.  Even the ones that are due later in the month.  Then I don’t have to worry about it.

I have also cut down my financial needs low enough to meet my income.  I mean, who needs 150 channels on their TV anyway?  I got the lowest car insurance I could get.  I cancelled my life insurance that wouldn’t pay out for bipolar disorder (I found out after paying on it for several months).  I went from owning a big house to renting a small duplex.  I cut out red meat from my diet, which not only helped the food budget, but also my health.

In this economy (the recession), we all need to make better financial decisions.  But it’s particularly difficult for people who have bipolar disorder with their ups and downs.  You may even need to have help handling your finances for awhile until you can take them over or are more stable.

Being normal financially to me today means that I don’t have the fear of going into excessive shopping sprees.  By handling our finances, I know exactly how much income we do have, and I have learned not to spend over that.  When you get to the point where you can actually SAVE money (like for car repairs or other unexpected expenses) each month, then you are stable enough to live a normal financial life with bipolar disorder.

Steps 2 and 3 in a 12-step program talk about “only a Higher Power could restore us to sanity” and giving our lives over to that Higher Power.  The reason that these steps are so hard for us to take is that we don’t want to admit that we’re insane to begin with!  Others think they can do all this all by themselves.  Of course, they can’t be looking at the big picture or they wouldn’t think this way.

Without the proper treatment (medication and therapy), NO ONE who has bipolar disorder has a right mind to manage their own life – they will always have bipolar episodes that ruin their finances, their relationships, their lives.  It’s only thru treatment that we CAN have a normal life with bipolar disorder.  I am proof that it can be done, as I have been stable for a long time and have learned to manage my disorder.  I now have a “normal” life despite having the disorder.

If I can have a normal life with bipolar disorder, then so can you.  Read some of my articles at www.bipolarcentral.com, and you can see how I did it.  The main thing is that you HAVE to stay on your medications!  And sometimes they may need to be adjusted – so don’t be afraid to call your doctor or psychiatrist if you don’t “feel right.”

Think about the things you think make up a normal life, and go after them in spite of your bipolar disorder, and you’ll find out like I did that it really IS possible!

I thought I could never work again because of my bipolar, but then I got a job working from home, which meets all my needs, working for a boss whose mother has bipolar, so he understands me.  It’s also helped provide extra money each month.  Try to find a home business you can start if nothing else – it will keep you productive, bring in extra money (which you will definitely need, as no one can live on disability alone), build up your self-esteem, give you financial freedom, and help you keep your bipolar disorder under control because you have goals to meet and decisions to make daily.  It’s a whole lot different working from home, and makes you feel more normal.

Before I was diagnosed, I know I had an abnormal life with relationships, because I got married whenever I would go into a manic episode!  Of course, those marriages were short-lived and ended when I came out of my episodes, but now I have a normal, healthy marriage.  And my husband also has BP, so he understands me very well.

Stability is the goal.  If you can achieve stability, then you CAN have a normal life with bipolar disorder.  Set your goals – both long-term and short-term – and then achieve them.  You can do it!

Wishing you peace and stability,

Remember God loves you and so do I,

Michele

Well, it’s holiday time again.  How can I tell?  The stores are already advertising for Christmas, and it’s not even Halloween yet!  Each year they seem to get earlier and earlier.

The holidays are a typically stressful time for people with bipolar disorder.  It doesn’t have to be that way, though. 

One year I even “cancelled” Christmas because I couldn’t handle it.  I totally regretted it.  I really got depressed then.  But I learned my lesson, and even if it’s just for me and my husband, we decorate for Christmas anyway.  We both have bipolar, so it affects us the same.  Even if the kids don’t come over, we make it a special day just for ourselves.  After all, we are celebrating Jesus and His birth – that’s the real reason for the holiday.

One thing to note, however.  If this is your “time” of the year (prone to bipolar episodes) like it is mine, make sure you have all your Plan A’s and B’s in place.  The holidays can sneak up on you if you’re not careful and watch out that the stress that they bring does not trigger you into an episode.

One thing you can do is get your holiday shopping done early, so you don’t have to deal with all those frantic people trying for last minute Christmas shopping.  You have time to watch for sales, so it will help you out financially as well.

Another thing you can do is to make sure you are physically kind to yourself.  Continue to eat a healthy diet, and if you’re used to walking for your exercise, either start doing it in a mall, or exercise inside with a video.  You don’t have to even join a gym (altho you can) – I think the YMCA is free .  The emphasis is on taking care of your health.

Stay consistent.  Just because the season is changing (and the holidays are coming) doesn’t mean you should change your routine.  The more you stick to your routine, the better off you will be with your BP.

Stay in contact with your friends, family, and support network.  One year I isolated so bad that I went into a massive bipolar depression.  I don’t want that to happen to you!  Now that I do this, I never have an episode around the holidays any more.  I have people to be accountable to, in addition to my therapist.  If I isolate too long, don’t worry, they’ll let me know it!

Try volunteering this year to help you get through the season.  There is always the Food Bank (in Florida we had one called Share, and I know they have this in other states as well, tho it might be called something else) to offer your time to – it will keep your priorities in order, and keep you grateful that you’re stable.  Toys for Tots always needs volunteer help.  Check with your local churches as well, as they may give out Christmas stockings to needy children and need help assembling them.

Whatever you do, make sure that it takes the focus off yourself — volunteering usually will do that, and you’ll have the added benefit of increased self-esteem that goes with it, as well as gratitude!  For me, there is usually the AA clubhouse that’s open all day on holidays for those who are struggling with alcohol and drugs, so I go there to be available in case someone comes in.  My Christmas is usually over first thing in the morning, so it doesn’t bother me to go somewhere else.  And it always makes me more grateful to be clean and sober (as well as stable with my BP).

I guess what I’m trying to say is that you can help control your bipolar disorder this year.  You do NOT have to go into an episode, if this is your normal bad time.  Do something different this year – take the emphasis off yourself and onto someone else who is needy.  Volunteer your good heart – it will bless you in return.

Wishing you peace and stability,

Remember God loves you and so do I,

Michele

I was just reading some of the responses I’ve gotten to this blog, and there are two women who I am particularly concerned about.  They are both struggling with suicidal thoughts.

See, this is when I hate the bipolar disorder the most!  It is like a dragon, something outside yourself — a real enemy and the stuff of which nightmares are made –  that only seeks to destroy you.

Most of the time, we have the emotional energy to fight back.  But what about those other days?

Remember the expression, “When the going gets tough, the tough get going”?

Well, apply that to bipolar disorder.  It will lie to you and tell you that you are weak, that you have no control over it and the thoughts and impulses it sends you.  But that is NOT TRUE!

You DO have control.  You can fight the suicidal thoughts, remembering in the forefront what you know to be the truth. 

When your (bipolar) thoughts tell you that you should kill yourself, you need to remind it (the bipolar disorder, and the thoughts) that a few things you DO know to be true:

1.  I am loved.

2. I am NOT alone.

3. I am NOT my disorder.

4. I have my own identity, and that person wants to live.

5.  I don’t want to hurt anyone else, and especially not myself.

6.  I have good choices I can make, one of them being not to listen to you!

7.  This is the bipolar talking, and NOT ME.

8.  I choose to live today.  I may not “feel” like it, but I choose it anyway.

9.  If I am feeling depressed, it’s because of the bipolar, not because life is too overwhelming for me.

10. I WILL FIND SOMEONE TO TALK TO ABOUT HOW I AM FEELING!

I spent way too much time by myself with those angry and suicidal thoughts that many of us get sometimes, and I felt like I had no recourse but to listen to them.  As a result, I did damage to myself and those I love.

Nobody told me what I just told you.  If you need to print it out in BIG letters, please do so.  But somehow make a copy, so that you can remind yourself of the truth when the bipolar lies start.

You are tougher than you think.  You just need the right ammunition to fight this kind of battle for your mind and your sanity.  Bipolar disorder is a terrible disease that comes with a lot of lies.  The only way to fight the lies is with the truth.

If you are feeling suicidal, whether you believe it’s just the bipolar and a lie or not, please talk to someone.  Post on here.  Write in your journal.  But somehow get it through to yourself that you are NOT alone, and that other people with bipolar disorder DO have suicidal thoughts as well.

And never, never forget, that as long as you are reading this blog, YOU ARE NOT ALONE!  Somebody cares about you and what happens to you, even if it’s only me.

In this case, it’s not the thought that counts, but the action on that thought that counts.  Take the right action.

Wishing you peace and stability,

Remember God loves you and so do I,

Michele