Bipolar Survivor

Hey, y’all –

I had someone ask me the question, “Can you be in a bipolar episode and not know it?”  and I think I need to respond to that.

I think it’s very possible for that to happen.  Especially for someone who does NOT have a good bipolar support system, like I was saying in my last post.

We are not always the best judges of how we’re doing.  Sometimes the bipolar disorder really messes with our thoughts and feelings.

And, yes, I know at least I can be in a bipolar episode and not know it.   I have been before.

One day I started hallucinating — hearing voices that sounded like they do in a restaurant, where you can’t hear what they’re saying, you just hear the conversations in the background.  I also thought the rug was turning colors.  I had no idea what was happening to me.  I was just in a kind of ozone.

Then I started into a full mania.  I couldn’t sit still, yet even though my activity was frenetic, I really didn’t get a whole lot done.  My thoughts were going like a rapid fire machine gun, though.

I went shopping (something you should never do in a manic episode), and of course I overspent, and on things I really didn’t need.

I ended up in the hospital, because I started to harm myself.  I definitely did not know I was in a bipolar episode.

Now, though, I have safeguards in place.  I learned that the hard way.

I keep a daily online mood chart (www.moodchart.org), so that I can note my moods, anxiety level, and irritability level.  This way I can notice a pattern as it’s developing.  If I log more than 2 days of depression (or mania), I may be going into an episode.

I also keep a daily journal, where I write out my thoughts and feelings.  This helps me because in the re-reading, I can see if I am trending toward irrational thoughts.

After you’ve had bipolar episodes for awhile, you can notice the changes that one brings on you.

Like I said, for me I can see patterns in my mood chart and journal.  But even at that, I could be in an episode and not know it, because I can’t always trust my thoughts where my bipolar disorder is concerned.

That’s where my husband (my supporter) comes in.  He can tell better than me whether I’m in an episode or not.

Because he has also become so familiar with my patterns, he can suggest to me that I might be headed into an episode.  I have learned to trust him more than I do myself, because this dragon (the bipolar) can be very deceptive.  Our own thoughts can fool us sometimes.

For example, in a manic episode, you might have grandiose plans, or ideas that you think are the greatest.  But they aren’t, in real life.  You can’t tell the difference, but someone else can.

If you have safeguards in place, however, you can avoid having a bipolar episode (or at least a full-blown one).

Like I was saying earlier, I have my supporter, who is the best indicator of whether I’m in an episode.  I also use my mood chart and journal as indicators.

I can also tell by how I feel.  The last time I went into an episode, I didn’t feel like “myself.”  I kept it to myself for a few days, hoping things would get better, but they didn’t.

I shared my feelings with my husband, and he told me to call my psychiatrist.  I did, and he adjusted my medications so that I did not go into a full-blown episode.

I’ve been episode-free for awhile now, because I have these safeguards in place.

I’ve learned that I can’t always trust myself and my own thoughts and feelings.  It is humbling, but at least it keeps me out of the hospital.

Have you ever been in a bipolar episode and not known it?  What happened?

Wishing you peace and stability,

Remember God loves you and so do I,

Michele

Related posts:

1. We Are Only Human
2. Good Bipolar Days vs. Manic Episode
3. Another Bipolar Episode
4. Peace with Bipolar Disorder
5. Coping Strategies for Bipolar

This entry was posted on Saturday, July 25th, 2009 at 11:18 am and is filed under Opening Post. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.