Today is a dreary day where I live in Tennessee. It’s cold and rainy and dark. It’s difficult not to let the weather affect my mood, but I am trying. Still, it seems to have stolen my motivation. It’s just one of those days where it would be more preferable to climb back into bed and pull the warm covers over my head and make believe that I have no responsibilities today. Have you ever been to this place?
On top of that, it’s my birthday today, yet it feels no different than any other day. Isn’t that always the way with birthdays? You long to feel special, yet others do not necessarily acknowledge you or your special day. My parents called last night to wish me a Happy Birthday, but I have not heard from my sons. Ah, but they are young, and easily forget adult responsibilities. So I have to excuse them, and not expect a birthday wish from them. Still, there’s a part of me that says, “How can they forget my birthday? It’s on New Year’s Eve!” And again, I have to remind myself not to expect so much from other people.
If you expect too much of others, you will be sorely mistaken, or disappointed at the least. When you have bipolar disorder, your emotions, at times, are like a fire that burns your very nerves – that’s how acutely you feel the emotion. But, for necessity’s sake, you need to lower your expectations of others, or you will, in fact, be disappointed. Through no fault of theirs, I remind myself, because people are just human, and are not perfect in the least.
Yet today, on my birthday, I long for extra attention and love – just something to make this day special. I certainly do not intend to go into a depression, however, just because I feel the disappointment so acutely. Still, it gives reason for my lack of motivation.
I’ve had to learn to depend on myself, and even I let myself down sometimes! We cannot expect perfection in an imperfect world. Especially not of ourselves. That’s how I justify being unmotivated today. I allow myself the freedom to experience this feeling without regret.
Ah, but then my expectations of myself are so high, I need a reality check. I am 52 years old today and, even though I don’t feel that old, the truth is that I am. This is the day that I mourn all the wasted years in which I was not diagnosed with bipolar disorder, yet exhibited every sign and symptom. So who can I blame for my suffering? Certainly not anyone else, as no one told me what was wrong with me – I just knew that I was different somehow. Deep down. Unexplainable. And I knew nothing about bipolar disorder or how it can tragically destroy your life if it is untreated.
Not until after I was diagnosed and lost my job because of my bipolar disorder had I had to rethink my expectations of others. Certainly, their own ignorance of the disorder is not fodder for my resentment. It’s not their fault that I wasn’t diagnosed until my 40′s. The point is that I was diagnosed, and did get help for my disorder.
These days, motivated or not, I am grateful for that fateful day when an insightful therapist recognized the signs and symptoms of bipolar disorder in me and referred me to a psychiatrist, who diagnosed me and put me on medications to help me balance my manias and depressions.
So, basically I am a very stable and successful person with bipolar disorder. My self-esteem is good, and my life is good. I am grateful for the small blessings in it, and this keeps me in a positive frame of mind.
So how do I explain today? Just a normal person’s feelings – nothing to do with bipolar at all. It’s ok to be unmotivated once in a while. I must keep my positive attitude, however, which tells me realistically that this is far from a bipolar depression. I do NOT want to go back there!
The difference now is that “this too shall pass,” and the feelings of disappointment and unmotivation will inherently disappear by tomorrow. I have experienced this “one day” of extreme emotions before, and know that it will happen again. So I take out my bipolar arsenal, and fight for my sanity yet again. And I will win, because I control my bipolar disorder – it does NOT control me! I have to remind myself of this sometimes.
So perhaps today, with its negative emotions, is simply a reminder that yes, I still do have bipolar disorder, but I can choose a positive attitude today (motivation aside) and just LET GO and LET GOD. I do not have to be anywhere or do anything today – nobody is counting on me for anything. So I can just roll with the punches today, as long as they do not dip too far into the depressive side of this disorder.
And who knows? After a few hours of this type of thinking, I may actually get motivated! If not, I’ll just “wait it out” as always. It’s important during times like these to keep my emotions in check, be realistic, not expect perfection from myself or anyone else, and just get through this day.
One day at a time is not only a saying to me. It’s how I live my life.
Wishing you peace and stability,
Remember God loves you and so do I,
Michele
Hi,
I am sorry to be reading this now and not on the 31st. But, here’s a very happy birthday wish to you, though belated. I hope your day ended up being good.
Best wishes for a very happy new year, too.
I was diagnosed with bipolar and schitsoaffective disorder when I was only eighteen years old, but was told by a doctor that I had probably had it at a younger age, but no one realized it. I am now thirty two, married, with two children of my own. I have read alot of your posts (between nursing an ailing husband, and putting kids to bed), and I finally, after all these years, realized that I am not alone in my woes. I, too, find that people all around me are ignorant of my disorder, but I cannot judge them, for I do not understand them half the time either. I have walked through most of my life, not understanding myself, really. Sometimes, I’m not even sure of who I am. I seem to have so many personalities, but I have gotten better at controlling them, and most of that effort is from ignoring my own feelings about certain situations and trying like hell to go with the flow. I’ve never met anyone with this disorder, of course, I’ve met alot a drama queens who have been loud about “having” such disorders, but even I could tell, it was usually someone who just “needed” the attention of it, or an excuse for bad behavior. I, on the other hand, have found in my own experience, that like any other victim of tragedy, am usually embarrassed of my “disease”. Am I making any sense? I do ramble on sometimes. I, sometimes, need someone to vent to, can I vent on you sometime? my email is chrissy4334@yahoo.com. Not particular on who sees this email, so don’t worry about me.
Chrissy –
Thank you for posting on my blog. I always believe that “pain shared is pain decreased.” I hope I’ve said some things that have encouraged you. You definitely are not alone, even if you only have me (of course, you may have others, too). Yes, you can vent here any time you need to. I’ll try to respond if I’m notified that you’ve posted.
Blessings,
Michele
Burton and Matthew –
Thank you so much for your kind words. It’s very uplifting when I get positive feedback from people reading my blog. I try to encourage others all the time, and sometimes I forget that I can use a little encouragement too! Thanks for writing, and post again any time.
Blessings,
Michele