Bipolar Survivor

Hey, y’all –

A friend of mine is a nurse, and we were talking this morning about how she’s seeing so many people getting the Swine Flu and ending up on ventilators, fighting for their lives.  It reminded me that my life is so precious, and I need to make the most of each day, bipolar or not.

Yes, our lives are different because we do have bipolar disorder, but we can still make them count.  We are still some of the most creative and intelligent people around, and we can be productive with our lives.

Self-pity never got anyone anywhere.  I know, because I was the queen of self-pity when I first got diagnosed.  I thought my life was never going to be good again. 

Bipolar disorder can be so overwhelming sometimes.  Our moods can change as quickly as the seasons, and sometimes we don’t seem to have any control over it.

Medication and therapy do help, but the rest is up to us.  WE are the ones who have to manage our own disorder.

That’s why I’m saying we have to make the most of each day, because who knows if today will be the day that you go into the next bipolar episode?  I am grateful for every single day that I go without an episode, remembering how awful they are.

My life is very simple now.  No drama.  No chaos.  Because I found out that those are triggers to bipolar episodes.  I have to keep my life as stress-free as is humanly possible.  It’s unrealistic to expect NO stress at all, but I do my best to avoid it.

Making the most of each day is very important for me.  I have to feel productive each day, as that feeds into my self-esteem and how good I feel about myself.  Without my job, I think the bipolar disorder would rob me of my peace and sense of worth.

There was a time when it did exactly that.  I was so depressed all the time that I didn’t even want to live any more.  I could hardly get out of bed, and many times I just didn’t.  I had a very negative view, and just couldn’t see things getting any better.  At that time, my disorder was such a struggle for me.

But I want to encourage you — things DO get better over time.  My life settled into a routine, I got a great job where I can work from home (and help other people at the same time), I was able to regain relationships I had lost due to episodes, and I am healthier – physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually.

I know that I’m not alone any more.  When I first was diagnosed, I didn’t know what would happen to me.  When they told me there was no cure for bipolar disorder, I thought I was going to die from it.  Actually, I almost did, several times, before I got it under control.

When I compare my life today to the way it was back then, there is no comparison.  It’s like night and day.

The depressions always felt so dark and empty.  And I felt so alone.  I never thought anyone else could ever feel as bad as I did.  I was in so much pain.  I ended up in the hospital several times for suicide attempts (thank God none of them were successful), because I couldn’t see any end to my pain.

But I ended up in the hospital where I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder, and that gave me a lot of answers to things I had wondered about.  I was more than just a “moody person.”  It was a symptom.  And I had a name for what was wrong with me.

Not that I liked having something wrong with me, but by finally having the right diagnosis, I was able to get help.  I got on the right medications and they are keeping me stable.  I also have a great doctor, psychiatrist, and therapist that I depend upon to keep me “whole.”  And then, of course, I have my husband, my greatest supporter, as well as other supporters.  Like I said, I’m not alone any more.

I share openly about my bipolar disorder when I speak for NAMI’s In Our Own Voice program, and try to give hope to others struggling with this sometimes devastating disorder.

My days are peaceful now.  And I do make the most of them.  No longer in fear of that next episode, but strong in the management of the disorder. 

There’s a saying:  “If you keep on doing what you’re doing, you’ll keep on getting what you’re getting.”

Because of accepting my disorder and making the changes I had to make to cope with it, I enjoy many good, productive, stress-free days.  My life is orderly now, and I definitely enjoy being stable.

As far as making the most of each day goes, if I can even help one other person, then it’s a good day.

And every day without an episode is a very good day.

Wishing you peace and stability,

Remember God loves you and so do I,

Michele

Related posts:

1. Back to Work

This entry was posted on Monday, September 7th, 2009 at 11:04 am and is filed under Opening Post. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.