There was a time when bipolar disorder was a dark shade against my window of the world. But eventually, I got better. Now I believe that my bipolar disorder is really a blessing in disguise.
I was working as a medical transcriptionist when I lost it and had to be hospitalized, where I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder.
One of the biggest problems is that I was a workaholic. And a perfectionist. And the two don’t go too well together for your mental health, if you know what I mean. I was bound to crash at some point.
I expected too much from myself. Way more than other people expected of me or that I would ever expect from someone else. So I broke.
Sometimes I think that the bipolar disorder was a great big STOP sign for me. It made me stop and take a look at how I was living and that I wasn’t taking care of myself, working too hard, having the wrong priorities, etc.
I lost my job because of the bipolar disorder, but today that is a blessing, because I’m able to work from home in a stress-free environment, which the hospital absolutely was not. I can work around my “bad bipolar days” and do work that I love. Here’s what I’m talking about — I was very good at being a medical transcriptionist, but I didn’t love it. It makes a big difference when you are doing what you love — and getting paid for it!
Plus, I’m able to be myself. I don’t have to worry about what people think, or trying to hide my bipolar disorder. I had to do a lot of self-examination because of the BP, and I have grown and emerged a stable person who is very happy with her life.
Because I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder, I was able to go on Disability, which provides a fixed income for me. The work I do for www.bipolarcentral.com is just ice cream on the cake (you’re allowed to make a certain amount above Disability, because it’s certainly not enough to live off).
My self-esteem has improved tremendously. I never realized how much that job was really stressing me out and taking its toll on me.
Now that I’m not there any more, I am so much more relaxed, content, and stable, and can concentrate on what I really want to do – help people; specifically people with a mental illness.
Tonight I am giving another talk for NAMI’s In Our Own Voice program, where I will tell my story and try to encourage other people with a mental illness that they are not alone, and that recovery is possible. I always call it my “putting a face on mental illness.”
Too many people think a diagnosis of bipolar disorder is a death sentence – whether because it has no cure (yet) or because it is a kind of death to the life you lived before you got diagnosed. I’ll take the latter, thank you very much. I didn’t realize how off-kilter my world (and me) really was.
Bipolar disorder makes me look at myself every day and like what I see. I take care of myself now. I am more careful in my decision-making. I have a strong support system (where before I was too busy overworking that I never had friends or any down time – I took all the overtime I could get, even on Sundays).
Now I am not just mentally and emotionally stable, but I am spiritually fit as well. I didn’t even have time for God in my life before — I was too busy being that workaholic. It’s like I was on a train to self-destruction.
Luckily I was diagnosed properly and put on medication that helps me to be who I am today, and keeps me stable. Don’t get me wrong – I still have a responsibility in my stability. I have to take my medication, avoid triggers, watch for signs of an episode, avoid stressful situations and toxic people, make sure I get a good night’s sleep, go to see my doctor, psychiatrist, and therapist regularly, etc.
But my life now is so much better than it was before. I really believe that bipolar disorder was a blessing in disguise.
What about you? Can you see how bipolar disorder may really be a blessing for you?
Wishing you peace and stability,
Michele
its nice to see someone escaped their old self and harnessed their mind. i was depressed for about a month, and finally crept out a few days ago. i was finally able to force myself to stop taking drugs like marijuana, cigarettes, coffee and reduce my alcohol intake. it was not easy, and there is no end in site, but i have reached the other side.
i like how i can think deeply and have intense passion, but the depression is really crappy. i can look back and take a deep breath. i wanted to abandon all of my goals while i was depressed, and now i want to attack the world just like i did in high sschool again, kinda like you. im a med student as well, and sometimes i think i put way too much pressure on myself, but i dont think being ambitious is a bad thing
could you give some advice to a 21 year old kid in college? i find talking to a counsellor really helps, and i dont want to get on any medicine
Hi, Dave –
It sounds like you are doing pretty well on your own – I don’t know what I can add to it, except that you might want to be prepared to go on medication if you have to. Medication is good at controlling the mood swings and keeping you on an even keel. It’s great that you’re going after your goals, that’s really important when you’re dealing with bipolar disorder. Try not to put too much pressure on yourself, though, as that can be a trigger to a bipolar episode. Being ambitious in itself is not a bad thing, but if it draws you too far to the manic side (or depressed side, for that matter), it can be harmful to you. Good luck at school! Hope to hear from you again.
Blessings,
Michele
I have this urge to help people, to do huge things in third world countries… to change the world. The bipolar keeps me anchored from doing these things and I have tried several approaches to get out of this way of thinking.. Meds don’t work for me and I get very suicidal from nearly all of them, sometimes thinking its better to feel nothing at all (I don’t believe in hell) than continue this tribulation. I have to talk myself out of it. To this day I think there’s a hidden spiritual meaning of bipolar disease and those who suffer just haven’t found their manifestation. I can’t work for other people and I’ve tried starting up 2 businesses. To a point, having a business helped make me social but a couple days with no calls and im so antisocial its unbeleivable that I cant even talk to anyone yet I did just a couple days ago with no problem. My mood swings are throughout the day, not week, not month, day. Sometimes panic attacks come on so strong that I cant talk and all i can do is try and speak and tears just roll… I’ve recently considered disability but its really hard to think of myself as disabled but in all reality I am! I’ve been to 2 counselors and they say im not bipolar, every doc I go to is absolutely certain I am (5+). I think there’s a bigger problem with bipolar- its a spectrum disease like autism but the big pharma comes up with new names for diseases just to put a pill with it… Aspergers Syndrome and Fragile X Syndrome fits too but who knows! I have episodes of OCD and Im extremely paranoid, the paranoia causes my adrenaline to get going and well its really hard to explain what happens after that. Im always in pain, not unlike fibromyalgia. So who knows what I have, maybe there’s only one disease which manifests certain symptoms which can be fixed and in return fixing something in your life… I don’t really have a purpose in life and I can’t keep one when I do have one… Recently started gardening and its very rewarding to me. I’ve changed my diet and lost 80 pounds (270 to 190 over a few years) all without a bit of exercize, all of this by diet changes but I frequently go back to my old habits with each time becoming harder to get out of. Im posting this mainly because I know how helpful comments can be to others even just to know that they’re not the only one experiencing all of this… I have no insurance, can’t afford it, live with my grandparents and sometimes get on a kick that its my environment but Im sure its the bipolar. Back to the original meaning of this comment- do you have any suggestions as to what I could do to make money and help people? I can’t go to college, I get so burnt out, I’ve tried twice, have been a few semesters and Im not anywhere near a degree, it degrades me more and more. Im actually a web designer but I just don’t see a need for that since there’s plenty of informative sites and support sites… I just want a purpose that’ll stick.