It is a good day. It is a good day. It is a good day… Maybe if I say it enough times, I’ll believe it! No, it really is a good day, because any day without an episode is a good day, but I just feel a little down today. Do you know, I actually had to decide whether to write about this or not? I still have that smidgeon of pride left in me, that seeking for perfection, that drives me to want to keep things sugar-coated so you wouldn’t know I ever got depressed. Bunk! If I’m one thing, it’s honest. And it doesn’t matter how long you’ve been stable, you can still get depressed.
Ok, so I’m a little depressed today. I can find no cause for it, so I must assume it’s just the dragon lifting its head and making its presence known. Or the fact that I’m tired. That’s the truth. Did you know that fatigue and depression can mimic each other?
It’s ok if I have a bad bipolar day. That’s what I tell myself – actually give myself permission to have a bad bipolar day and take it easy, reducing that need for perfection. I’m only human, and a human with bipolar disorder at that. It’s ok if I’m not perfect, and it’s ok to have a bad bipolar day. I wasn’t depressed yesterday or the day before, and I most likely won’t be depressed tomorrow (I pray).
How do I know? Because I watch my trends, my mood patterns. And I have no other symptoms of depression except that I’m tired. And, like I said, bipolar depression and fatigue can be confused. In fact, fatigue is one symptom of a bipolar depression. But can you have one without the other? You sure can. I can be tired today, but not be depressed. Not bipolar depressed, anyway.
I’d say it’s that I’m snowed in, but I like being snowed in. There wasn’t anywhere I wanted to go today anyway. And it looks so pretty from the inside out – from my nice, warm, home. I did go “scrunch the snow” in my new (Christmas present) boots to check the mail, so I did get some fresh air. So that’s a good sign, that I went outside.
Like I said, I have no other symptoms of a bipolar depression than the fact that I’m tired. I don’t take naps during the day, though, as someone else might do or suggest for me to do, because I already have enough trouble getting to sleep at night. Once I’m asleep, I stay asleep (even if a bomb were to go off!), but it’s the getting there that’s the problem. I even take medication for it. Some nights it doesn’t work, like last night, so I drink herbal tea. Then I try again. Melatonin helps as well.
So I’ll just go to bed early tonight, and that should take care of it! Here’s to a better tomorrow…
Wishing you peace and stability,
Remember God loves you and so do I,
Michele
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Hi Michelle,
I am glad you wrote this and didn’t sugar coat, because it was helpful to me. A few days ago, I slept in. Now, I probably shouldn’t have done that, because it seems to throw my day off, but I was tired. So I pushed myself out of bed, and a few hours later, I had to take a nap. I was so tired. Of course when bedtime came around, even tho I took my sleep meds….I couldn’t get to sleep until 1 a.m. which is about 3 hours past my bedtime.
Now, I say all this because my Pdoc and my therapist told me at the beginning of my last episode (in July 09), that I have to stay with a schedule, that it will help regulate me and help me get back on track. So when I shared about this last “tired” episode with my therapist, she told me that once in a while I can sleep in or nap, since I am not in a bad state. I don’t know if it was guilt that I was feeling (because I was not following the schedule I had), or if the sleep in and nap threw off my day, or my chemicals or whatever. So, I learned that a nap…no matter how tired….I can’t do it. I have to have a good night’s sleep. Reading what you wrote helped me to understand that I can just have a ‘down’ day, take it easy, get the fresh air in the system and not be hard on myself.
Not being hard on myself will take some doing, but I thank you for this entry.
Hi, Jane,
Thanks for writing. I find it easier now than it used to be to give myself a break. I think about what if it happened to someone else? Would I be as hard on them as I’m being on myself? Of course not. So I try to think of things that way, and give myself a break if I sleep in sometimes.
Blessings,
Michele
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