This week has been a difficult one for me, with today being a very depressing day, as it is the anniversary of my sister’s suicide. Am I in a depressive episode? No. I’m just in a lot of pain, because I miss my sister horribly, still, after five years.
They say it gets easier as the years go by, but either they’re just trying to be nice, or just lying, because it certainly hasn’t proven to be true in my case. Each year, the pain is still the same. I can’t help it. Every year on this day, I think of Debi, and I hurt. I miss her so much. I have other girlfriends, but she was my best friend.
We were like twins, even though we were three years apart. In fact, I called her the twin of my heart. She used to call me every morning from Florida (I live in Tennessee) and we would “have coffee together,” talking about everything under the sun, you know, just sister stuff. It took a LONG time before I could go into a store and past the sister things without crying. In fact, even after all this time, even though I no longer cry, it still bothers me. She was my only sister.
Today I am in pain. There is a hole in my life where my sister used to be. I even still get angry at the injustice of it all. And I wish with all my heart that she could still be with me. But I am not that selfish. Because for her to still be here would mean that she would still be in the incredible amount of pain she must have been in to do what she did, and I would never want that.
You see, Debi had bipolar disorder. Some people question why I get up on my soapbox and preach about people with bipolar staying on their medications, well, this is why. My sister went off her medications, and shortly thereafter became irrational, and killed herself. I believe it went back to her going off her medications. If only she had stayed on her meds, she would have stayed balanced and kept her bipolar disorder manageable. But she didn’t, and now she is gone.
God, how I miss her. Especially today. She was so full of life! She had so much to live for! And so many people who loved her! Debi was the kind of person you loved to be around, because she made you feel so much “bigger” than you were. She made you feel better about yourself. She was always building other people up. She was such an encourager. Always positive. Always fun to be around. She believed in me even when I didn’t believe in myself.
That’s another reason why today is especially hard for me. I have always wanted to be a successful writer, have dreamed about it since I was 12 years old. And Debi dreamed about it along with me. The difference was, she actually believed it would happen, whereas I doubted. So now that I have finally found success with it and have four books published, I wish she was here to share in my success – to see that I actually made it! But she isn’t. And I feel that loss acutely. I want her to be here and to be happy with me.
Do I want to blame the bipolar disorder? You bet I do. That’s where part of the anger comes from. See, in really bad bipolar episodes, I too tried to kill myself (thank God I never succeeded). So I know the pain you can be in, and how irrational you can become. But medication helped stabilize me, and I am balanced today, and have never tried suicide again. But I can’t be angry at my sister. She was my sister, after all. She was irrational, and not really responsible for what she did. At first I was angry at her, though, for leaving me alone. That anger now is only sadness and loss, and pain.
There is so much I wish I could share with Debi now. Not just my success with the publication of my books, but my success with life and the management of my bipolar disorder. With successful management of my disorder comes a greater quality of life than I’ve ever had before, and I wish I could share that with her – to encourage her that things could have gotten so much better for her, if only she hadn’t given up.
I counsel people now who are suicidal, and I tell them Debi’s story. And I blog about it and write about it. And, like I said, preach about people staying on their medications. Because I don’t want even one more family member to go through the pain of loss that I have to go through if their loved one should go off their bipolar meds and kill themselves.
I go through this pain every year acutely on the anniversary of my sister’s suicide, but I live with the pain of loss every single day. No, it does not get easier. For me, nor anyone else in my family. We all feel it.
If you have bipolar disorder, I beg you to stay on your medications, no matter how much you don’t want to. Think about your family and what might happen if you don’t. Remember my sister. Remember Debi’s story.
Wishing you peace and stability,
Remember God loves you and so do I,
Michele
Sending hugs your way! I was almost relieved to go back on my meds again. As much as I hate chemicals, I appreciate how much they help me. As does my husband!
Things are going well now that I’m back on them though. I didn’t realize how stressed/depressed/unstable I was for the month before making the appointment until recently while thinking back. I don’t take my stability for granted, for sure.
Is it really irrational to kill yourself if you’re in a great deal of pain? Yes, I think so. Many people go through excruciating amounts of pain and yet don’t kill themselves. I know, I’ve been there myself. I’ve even tried to kill myself five times because I was in that amount of pain (thank God I never succeeded) but things always got better over time. Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. Although, in the middle of the problem, it can seem like the only answer at the time. That’s the irrationality of it. You can’t see any other solution. You look at the problems that surround you, that probably overwhelm you, and you see no way out. Whereas, in a normal situation, you see a way out, you have a set of problem-solving skills, can even talk to others about your problems and get advice, when you are considering suicide, you have probably isolated yourself and are depending on your own thinking, which is irrational at the time, and all your problem-solving skills have failed you. Suicide is not the result of a healthy mind. There is always at least one solution that you have not thought of. That time would bring to bear. But if you kill yourself, you are killing that chance as well. In each of my cases, my problems did eventually get solved, though I could not see the answers in the heat of the moment when I tried to kill myself. I was NOT rational. And, like I said, and firmly believe, suicide is not the result of a healthy mind. I always tell people who are contemplating suicide to wait, to procrastinate, at least one more day, and see what happens. What harm can waiting another day do? And most of the time, that one day can bring answers you hadn’t thought of, or help you see things in a new perspective. The last thing I have to say about the irrationality of it is that it keeps you self-centered, keeps you from considering the other people in your life who care about you and how it will affect them. All you are thinking about is yourself and your own pain, not the pain that your suicide will cause your friends and family, and believe me, it will cause excruciating pain for them. That in itself is irrational.
Hi, Michelle!
Glad to hear that you’re back on your meds again and feeling good! I like to hear good reports like that. You hung in there, and it paid off, good for you! Stay in touch, and keep me informed, ok? I love to hear from you.
Blessings,
Michele
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Dear Michele –
I both sympathize and empathize with you. My sister had bioplar disorder and killed herself in October 2000. Before her suicide, she threw away everything and evryone that she had, was arrested for impersonating a DEA agent, and — worst of all — tried to kill my mother.
It is a nightmare that I will never get over.
Thanks for your post –
Bill
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This was nice to read. It has been nearly 8 years since my sister took her life by jumping off the harbour bridge. Everynow and then (like tonight) i will hear a song and be reminded of her and just break down and cry. I miss Tanya so much. Life has gone on but still have those moments.
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thanks for this, it helps me somewhat.
i lost my only sister october 6th, 2009, gun to the heart, the same gun my dad had used on himself, same injury.
the injury is to the hearts of those of us who survive.
i guess the thing is to accept it. get on with life. but you may be sure i cried my tits off reading all this, having been there before, twice.
confounding as it is, without “professional help”, medications or attempts on my own life, i plug along. i have pals who help me through it all. sure, i still cry in public if i get a notion, a thought about martha, my sister. she was so smart, the only gal i ever knew to be on jeopardy!
i reckon some of us have been through the “would’ve could’ve should’ve” thing. don’t hang on that, baby. if you do hang on that you will stagnate. move forward, even if it takes a few drinks, a reefer or two.
clearly, depression got to her as her husband of 24 years left her for another woman. it was his unkind parting that got to her…”by the way, martha, i never loved you”.
she was fucked up on opioids for years, dealing with pain from shingles. she was no head, she just needed the pain relief. but i think that led her to the ultimate task, she wasn’t quite right. and then the separation put her over the edge.
in my experience, i know there is always somebody else out there who loves you. i hang on, laughing out loud like there is no tomorrow. i sit in with blues bands on my conciderable harmonica talents. i love jeopardy! on t.v. there is soooooo much to live for.
for those of you who may read this, if you are a survivor, just try to make life as fun as possible. make others laugh. those who help others help themselves. my motto?, “never straight, always forward”.
keep going forward.
love and peace,
rob
Hi Michele,
Great to read your story and the encouragements. I have a daughter who was diagnosed nearly 5 years ago with bipolar disorder. It had been had the first year, when she had to be sectioned and had to have 6 ECT sessions before her mania can be brought down. And then she was put on lithium, zoloft. alenzepam and other cocktails of med. After release from the public hospital she was admitted to a private psych clinic for further management.
From the time she was admitted to the emergency psych ward to the time that she is back on even keel, takes about 3-4 months. She will then be back to her loving self and back to university for 8months before suffers another episode.
This is the fifth year , and the fourth episode and each episode sort of rear its ugly face around the late Oct, Nov and December.
Around the last quater of each year, some demon seems to possess her and encourage her to stop taking her medicine, which had kept her on even keel for 9months of the year.
She is in constant consultation with her treating psychiatrist on a fortnightly basis and yet despite constant professional management, she still suffers relapse annually.
The family is at a loss and suffers each year with her. Each year she would not admit that she needs help. And she would not check her self in to the private psych clinic, until it is too late and she would be in a full blown hyper mania. In this condition, the family have to call the CAT team in, which involves the ambulance and police, to have her admitted in the public psych ward involuntarily as she is sectioned.
What really puzzle us is that every year , she seems to stop her medications around the Oct,Nov or Dec period and we do not know why she does it or what triggers her actions. She knows that she need the medication to keep herself on even keel.
One theory is that during the summer month, ie from Nov, Dec , she is unable to sleep longer due to daylight saving, hence her sleep pattern is changed, another theory is that during this period, it is the most demanding time of the academic year, when assignments are due in. She is doing a part time Master Degree in social science.
She reports that the medication makes her lethargic and difficult to concentrate on completing her academic demand, together with the changed in sleep pattern, we suspect this could be the trigger for her to stop her medication.
Just yesterday she had been sectioned and admitted back in the public psyche ward and is very painful to see the ugly side of our otherwise loving beautiful, full of life, cheerful, go getter daughter.
We just like to share our experience with viewer of this blog