Bipolar Survivor

Today is a good bipolar day.  Nothing exciting.  Nothing new.  Nothing happening at all, in fact.  So what makes it such a good day?  The fact that my bipolar disorder seems to be “in remission” is what makes this a good bipolar day.

Today I have no active symptoms of my bipolar disorder.  And that, to me, defines remission.  Just like with cancer.  It doesn’t mean that I don’t have bipolar disorder any more, because of course I do, since there is still no cure for the disorder.  But it means that I am managing it (instead of it managing me, like it used to).

So what am I doing that is working so well that I am able to be in this glorious remission (and for so long)?  Like so many other people, I’d say that it starts with clean living.  One of the things that is so very crucial when it comes to bipolar disorder is to stick to a strict sleep schedule.  I go to sleep at the same time every night and wake up at the same time every morning.  And I get 9 hours of sleep every night.  I know that lack of sleep, especially good sleep, was responsible for many of my manic episodes in the past.

I also eat a good diet.  It’s not only healthy, but it helps me to feel good about myself, and self-esteem is important when it comes to bipolar disorder.  I also exercise, which helps for the same reasons.

I try to stay productive.  I can no longer work full-time, and I accept my limitations in that regard.  I know that a full-time job brings with it too much stress, and stress is one of my greatest triggers to a bipolar episode, so I need to avoid it.  Also, being around too many people.  But I am able to work part-time from home, which helps financially and also gives me something to do that helps me stay productive, while not being too stressful.  It also helps me stay stable with my bipolar (it also helps that I work for a bipolar website).

I have a great support system.  Both my mom and my husband have the disorder, so they are great supporters.  They definitely know what to watch for, especially in me, to keep me out of a bipolar episode.  So many times they have been able to tell me that my behavior is a little “off,” and I’ve been able to talk to my psychiatrist and just get my meds upped temporarily and avoid the hospital and a full-blown episode.

One of the biggest things, I think, that keeps me stable is my attitude.  I accept that I have bipolar disorder, but I don’t let it get me down.  And I don’t let it stop me.  There was a point where I felt helpless, and this led to me even being over-medicated, but then I got empowered, changed psychiatrists, got off half my meds, and got better.  I am much stabler now.

Every day that I don’t have an episode, I am grateful to God.  Just to have peace in my life, I am grateful, for I remember when every day was a crisis, when my bipolar was out of control.  Peace and stability are both important to me now, and I cherish both.  I pray that you have them as well.

Wishing you peace and stability,

Remember God loves you and so do I,

Michele

I’d like to live life like my dog.  I’m sure she has bipolar disorder.  She is moody.  But mostly she’s just this bundle of joy.  She just attacks life.  Like her biggest worry is whether I’m going to feed her in the morning.  Like why should she worry about it?  She gets fed at the same time every morning, why should she stress about it?

But I notice that I stress about little things like that, too, and I should be ashamed of myself, because in the big scheme of things, they are just as trivial, if someone else were to look at my life objectively.  So why should I stress over them?

I seriously should live life like my dog.  Eat. Play.  Go outside.  Take a nap.  Repeat above.  Tough life, isn’t it?  LOL  Oh, and I forgot.  Get lots of loving.  She sure does get a lot of that from me and my husband.  And a lot of attention.  Of course, she does demand it, whether you want to give it or not!  But then again, she’s so adorable, you just have to give it to her!

She really helps me to keep my bipolar disorder in check.  Whenever I’m feeling down, she does some little antic that cheers me up.  Like yesterday, I wasn’t exactly down, per se, just bored I guess.  Nothing to do, nothing on TV, didn’t feel like reading.  Like I said, bored.  So I look over at Sunshine, and she’s all caught up in the covers on the floor, no face to be seen!  She was hilarious, trying to get out from under those covers, as if her life depended on it!  Now that’s priorities for you.  And I thought I had problems…LOL

Well, she eventually found her way out, and just looked at me like, “Mom, why are you laughing at me?”  It certainly did cheer me up, at least.  She’s always good for that.  And I eventually did find something to watch on TV, so I wasn’t so bored.

If you don’t have a pet, I encourage you to give it some thought.  They can really keep you from getting depressed, or get you out of a bad mood when you get into one with their antics.  They can also remind you where your priorities lie.

Wishing you peace and stability,

Remember God loves you and so do I,

Michele

Life never gives you  a day off, so neither does your bipolar disorder.  But there was a point when my doctor actually ordered me to take a day off at least once a week – a day where I did absolutely nothing.  But, believe me, that was hard for me to do.

See, at the time I was working 7 days a week, and I never seemed to “shut down.”  But that was causing me real problems (thus the visit to the doctor).

I was having problems with my thoughts not shutting off at night, which was affecting my sleep.  This scared me, because with enough lost sleep, and I knew I would be facing yet another bipolar manic episode if I wasn’t careful.

So off I went to the psychiatrist, telling him of my problem with my thoughts not shutting off.  His opinion?  Stress related, of course.  The problem was, he determined, that they were primarily related to work, and that I was working too much. 

His “prescription?”  Like I was saying… He “prescribed” a day off every week.  I naturally chose Sunday, the easiest day for me to take off each week, as there was really nothing going on at work anyway, but catch up.

So every Sunday I was to do nothing but laze around “relaxing.”  Watch TV or a movie… read a book… whatever.  Just not do anything stressful.  Definitely not anything that would tax my mind or my body.  Nothing that would cause my mind to not be able to shut down that night.

It took a little while, but after awhile I got into the pattern.  And it worked!  Sunday actually became a “day of rest” for me.  And my mind actually shut down the other days of the week at night as well!  I was cured!

I still practice this “day off” to this day.  I do believe that with bipolar disorder it is important to be productive.  But I feel that it’s just as important to “shut down” your body and mind at times as well.  I think it’s part of taking care of yourself, physically, mentally, and emotionally.  And it just follows suit that it takes care of you spiritually as well, as you will be at peace with yourself and with the world.

Wishing you peace and stability,

Remember God loves you and so do I,

Michele

Ok, it’s a brand new year, a blank slate – so what am I going to do with it?  What changes am I going to make for the coming year?  These are the questions I ask myself every New Year’s, as I consider (yet again) whether I’m going to make any resolutions this year or not.  I have to ask myself this each year, as I am inevitably discouraged when I end up breaking them, and wonder, “Why make them at all?”  But then I think, “Well, at least it’s worth trying.”

So I always look back at the previous year at this time of year, at both the good and the bad, and hopefully I see more good than bad.  And this year is no different.  This year was the “big accident,” where my husband almost lost his leg, and totalled the car.  We also made the “big move” from TN to FL this past year, and that was almost as traumatic as the accident (of course, it didn’t help that they were only days apart).  But we survived both, thank God.  And my husband has recovered, and we’re happy in our new home.

The main thing, in looking back, of course, is that I survived another year without a bipolar episode.  That is an absolute, hands-down, thank you Jesus!  Any year I go without a bipolar episode is a great year!  Because I remember when there were more days with episodes than without, and how horrible a life that was, so I am very, very grateful for my stable life now.  So what if sometimes it’s a little boring?  At  least it’s without the stress I used to have that caused most of my episodes, and that’s a major plus.

Once I figured out that stress was a major trigger to my bipolar episodes, and got rid of the stress in my life, my bipolar disorder made major improvements, and I got so much better, so much more quickly.  It was amazing!  Stress can really be so harmful when you’ve got bipolar disorder.  If you haven’t already made strides to become stress-free in your life, I strongly urge you to do so in this coming year.  Make it more than a resolution – make it a reality!  You’ll see such an improvement in your bipolar disorder.

I also had a birthday on New Year’s Eve.  Yep, I’m 54 years old.  Ancient.  Sometimes I feel really old… but usually I feel younger than my age.  After everything I’ve been through (and survived), I feel like I should be older than I am, so I guess I’m just “young at heart!”  And grateful for having survived everything that I went through in my past bipolar episodes.  Thank God I don’t go through that any more.  It’s so fantastic to live a stable life now.  So great that my days are pretty predictable, with no chaos or drama any more (nothing that prematurely ages you!).

Here’s hoping for another year like this past (except for no major car accidents), with no bipolar episodes, and no traumas.

Wishing you peace and stability in the coming new year,

Remember God loves you and so do I,

Michele

Well, it’s after Christmas, and I had another great one.  I hope you did too.  I got everything I wanted this year, and then some (I have a great husband, who knows what I like - of course it didn’t hurt that I gave him a “list”!). 

The important thing was that I gave everyone else what they wanted, though.  That made me even happier.   But the happiest part of all was yet another year without a bipolar episode during the holidays.  That’s always something to be grateful for.

Christmas dinner was great this year, too.  Since it was just the two of us, I didn’t cook a traditional dinner or anything.  Instead, my husband made steaks on the grill (since we are in FL this year and not freezing our butts off in the snow like last year in TN)!  It was fantastic!!!

I just enjoyed the day… no work, no stress.  After opening up my presents, and enjoying my husband and dog (yes, she had some presents, too) opening up theirs, I hunkered down to watch all my favorite Christmas movies on DVD all day.  It was a great way to spend my Christmas Day, and I loved it.

What really made my day, though, was that all three of my sons called me to wish me a Merry Christmas.  That was the best part for me, that they took time out of their own holiday to think of me and call me.  I loved hearing from them and talking to them.  I really miss them this year especially, since this is the first year that I’m away from them (having moved to FL this year).

Well, it’s back to work today, as if the holidays had never happened, and I’m trying to hold onto some of that Christmas feeling (as much as I can).  Still trying to feel good, anyway.

Hope you had a great holiday, and that your bipolar disorder didn’t interfere with your enjoyment of it.

Wishing you peace and stability,

Remember God loves you and so do I,

Michele

My husband and I were just reminiscing about times when we were hospitalized for bipolar episodes in the past – not happy times, to be sure.  Things are so much better these days, and I am so cherishing my stability with my bipolar disorder, as it has been years since I had a bipolar episode and needed to be hospitalized.

I don’t have fond memories of those hospitalizations, although I do admit that they were necessary at the time.  I know at least during the last episode that I was a handful for my husband, and he really didn’t have a choice, even though he had promised that he wouldn’t ever put me in the hospital again – I had started self-injuring, and didn’t even know it, I was so manic.

Back then I had a problem with my medication, and I had let things go for way too long before doing anything about it.  Today I wouldn’t let that happen, and neither would my husband.  If he notices anything out of the ordinary, he says something.  If it even goes on for two days, much less three days, I’m off to the doctor’s, getting an adjustment in my medication, and avoiding a bipolar episode.

I cherish my stability too much to let things get out of control like they used to.  And I never want to go back to the hospital again.  I mean, I realize that it was necessary back when, but that doesn’t mean that I want to repeat the experience. 

I tell people today that if you need to be hospitalized, like for a medication adjustment or an acute bipolar episode, to go in voluntarily, and that it can be a good thing, but I still think it’s best for only a few days (hopefully that’s all it would take to stabilize).  After that, I wonder how effective it really is.  And these days, I wonder if insurance would even pay for more than 3 days of inpatient care.

After the initial medication adjustment or episode stabilization, out-patient care (therapy) has been the most beneficial for me.  It’s the ongoing long-term care that has helped me the most.  Especially right after a bipolar episode.  I have needed that extra reinforcement and support, and luckily I have had it, with a good support system and a therapist.  Since I’ve moved to FL I haven’t been able to find (or afford) a therapist, and I’ve really missed having one, as the one I had in TN was so good.

The holidays are getting closer, and I’m trying not to do too many things, or to get overly excited, as I know that can lead to a manic episode.  I hope you’re taking care of yourself as well.

Wishing you peace and stability,

Remember God loves you and so do I,

Michele

Well, we put up our Christmas tree.  It’s not as hard to have bipolar disorder at the holidays this year as it has been in previous years.  Some years I practically went manic with all the holiday preparations, other years I was depressed because of unmet expectations and not being able to see my parents and one son who lives in Colorado.  This year although I still can’t see my son, at least I’m down here with my parents now.

Like I said, the Christmas tree is up, and it looks great.  It’s really put me in the mood for the season.  A good mood.  No depression this year (thank God).  Yes, I miss my sons, God I miss them, and hate that I won’t even be able to see the two that I was able to see last year when I lived near them, but that was only for short visits anyway, as they are both young and busy with their own lives.  Hopefully, they’ll at least call me this year.  The tree, of course, can’t help me with my missing them – that’s in my heart.  But I refuse to get depressed over it.  It is what it is.  Their choice to live where they live and my choice to live where I live.  We all have to do what’s best for us, and sometimes that comes with hard decisions.

At least I’m stable this year with my bipolar.  The key is to not do too much.  My mom has bipolar disorder, too, and she’s started baking, so I have to remind her to not get too excited and not do too much, so she doesn’t go manic, as that’s so easy to do at this time of year.  Sleep, of course, is real basic and real important, as lack of sleep is one of the biggest triggers to a bipolar manic episode.  So she’s at least watching that she sticks to a strict sleep schedule, as am I.  That helps to keep us both stable, and has for many years.  My husband, too, as he also has the disorder.

Work is going well (I write for www.bipolarcentral.com) and I have quite a bit of it these days, so I’m happy, as I’m productive.  Keeps me from being bored, which I like.  Nothing worse than boredom which, for me, leads to depression.  Too much time to think, I guess.  And that’s not good for me.  I like being active, and especially like working, even though it’s part-time now (which is better, because it’s less stress, and it’s from home) and it challenges my mind to keep thinking, which is good.

Our dog, Sunshine, is really growing.  She’s over 9 months old now, and is such a source of joy for us.  You know, they have service dogs for the blind, but now they say you can get a service dog if you have bipolar disorder, too.  They say it helps to have a companion, something to care about and take care of, something that helps you get out of yourself so that you don’t feel sorry for yourself.  Truly!  I wrote an article about it once.  People with bipolar disorder are getting and caring for dogs, and finding that it’s helping them with their disorder, that they’re improving and getting stable.  You might want to try it.

Hopefully the holidays are proving to be a good time of year for you this year.  I hope so.  No one deserves to be depressed at this time of year - it really should be a time of happiness.  Remember the old saying, “Jesus is the reason for the season,” and don’t get caught up in the commercialism of the holiday, regretting what you don’t have this year – be grateful for what you do have.  Be especially grateful if you’re not in a bipolar episode for the holidays this year.

Wishing you peace and stability,

Remember God loves you and so do I,

Michele

I got my hair cut the other day.  No biggie, right?  Well, for me it was.  I don’t do change very well.  Not too good for someone with bipolar disorder, because change is a necessary evil for those of us with bipolar.  Change is just inevitable with life in general, but especially for us.

A haircut is no big deal in the great scheme of things, like a change in medication.  Like my doctor changing my cholesterol medication – now, that can be a big deal.  But it’s for my better good, and it should make me feel better in the long run.  So that’s what change should do – be for your better good in the long run.  So why do we fight it then?

Most people don’t like to change and, like me, will fight it.  It’s just that we get used to the way things are, and we don’t like it when something happens to change the status quo.  Unfortunately, with bipolar episodes, the status quo is just naturally upset.  Very upset.

It shouldn’t take bipolar episodes to upset things, to make us change what needs to be changed, though.  We need to be willing to change those things that need to be changed in ourselves and in our lives.  For example, when I quit smoking.  That was something I had needed to change for a long time, because it was a bad habit.  It took a long time before I was able to change that, but eventually I was able to change it.

Some things I was able to change easily when I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder.  I was able to incorporate some things easily into my life, for example – like starting to stick to a good sleep schedule (which is so very important when you have bipolar disorder), and taking my medication.

Other things it was harder to change.  Like my personality, and my willingness to adapt to change.  And it did take a willingness on my part.  It was a decision.  That decision, that willingness to change, helped me to change the rest of the things that needed to be changed in my life, that helped me to better manage my bipolar disorder (and my life).

By changing the things that needed to be changed, however much I didn’t want to at first, my life in general became more manageable, not just my bipolar disorder.  That, I think, is what led most to my eventual stability.  Of course, getting sober helped as well (that was one of the biggest things I changed).

Are there some things in your own life that you need to change that you haven’t been willing to change?  Maybe those things have been holding you back from stability.   You might want to consider making those changes, as they may be necessary for you in the long run.

Wishing you peace and stability,

Remember God loves you and so do I,

Michele

Well, tomorrow is Thanksgiving, so it’s put me in the mind to give thanks today.  Today I am most thankful for my sobriety, my stability, and my serenity.

I am also thankful that I have a wonderful supporter – my best friend and husband – who also has bipolar disorder, and always knows exactly what to say and do on those “bad bipolar days.”  Thankfully, they don’t happen that often any more, but when they do, it’s sure nice to have someone who understands what it’s like to experience them.

I am thankful that  I still have my parents, as many people my age don’t.  I’m real close to my mom, who also has bipolar disorder, so she is also part of my support system.  I talk to her every day, and see her a couple days a week.  I’m especially thankful this year, as we just moved down here a few months ago, and now I do get to see my mom – before it was just a few times a year that I got to see her, and it was hard to leave her each time.  I’m real thankful that she’s doing so well with her own bipolar as well, because I worry about her – she’s had some bad episodes in the past.  Right now she’s visiting my brother in Colorado (I’m jealous, but not of the cold weather), so she’s doing real good.

Tomorrow I’ll talk to my dad just to make sure he’s doing ok too, but basically he’s pretty independent (for an old guy) still.  He has a neighbor who brings him Thanksgiving dinner, so he didn’t want to spend the day with us.  I’m not going to cook a meal or anything, since it’s just going to be my husband and me – we’re planning just to go out to eat, at one of those $10 a plate places that serves Thanksgiving dinner with all the trimmings.

Tomorrow should be a quiet day, and I’m looking forward to it.  These days I’m very thankful for quiet days.  They are much better than the dramatic crisis-filled bipolar days of old, when I was so unstable.  I like the way things are now – so peaceful.  I’ll just enjoy my dog and my husband and my little dinner out, and maybe some football on TV.

I will definitely be thankful tomorrow, though, just as I am today.  I hope you will be, too.  Have a happy holiday.

Wishing you peace and stability,

Remember God loves you and so do I,

Michele

A few days ago, the son of the woman upstairs from me was killed in a driveby shooting.  A senseless killing.  It has devastated our closeknit apartment complex.  You see, Jose was only 17.

The thing is, it’s not like we live in a gang-infested area, either.  This just shouldn’t have happened here!  That’s what’s freaking everyone out!  We just don’t understand it.  Jose was a good kid.  He was well-behaved and respectful to us adults. 

He kinda hung out around my husband and me, because I work from home, and my husband is usually around.  So when Jose needed a tool to work on his car, he would just borrow one from us.

My sons are grown and don’t live near me, so Jose was kind of like a son to me.  I miss him so.  I sense his absence. 

It took me days before I could go up to see his mom, afraid that I would break down in tears and upset her more.  Too bad, but when I finally did go see her, that’s exactly what happened.  I no sooner got the words, “I’m sorry,” out of my mouth before I broke down.

So what does any of this have to do with bipolar disorder?  Just this:  We complain so much of the time about the fact that we have bipolar disorder.  Sometimes we complain about the fact that life isn’t fair to us.  But Jose’s death kind of brought things into perspective to me.

How dare I complain about my bipolar disorder?  I mean, that should be the worst thing in my life, right?  At least my 3 sons are alive and well.  And at least I am alive and well, so what if I have bipolar disorder.  Things could be so much worse.  Think about this poor young man, struck down in the prime of his life, through no fault of his own - just wrong place, wrong time.

In all other ways besides the fact that I have a mental illness, I actually have a very good life.  And I should be more grateful for that life – for life in general.  I hate that it had to be a reminder such as Jose’s death, but I’m glad that today I am grateful for my life.

Are you grateful for yours, in spite of the fact that you have bipolar disorder?

Wishing you peace and stability,

Remember God loves you and so do I,

Michele