Bipolar Survivor

It’s not always easy to get along with others, even if you don’t have bipolar disorder.  But it’s especially important when you do have the disorder, because you are the face of mental illness for others who are watching you and listening to you, and they will judge you by how you act.

We have to take care of ourselves first, that’s true, but if our needs are met and we are balanced and stable, we should be able to get along with others.  Unfortunately, if we’ve been in bipolar episodes, especially if we’ve done some things or said some things to hurt other people, we may need to make amends.

Don’t be surprised if your family members don’t always understand you and why you do the things you do.  Of course, you probably already know that, perhaps even have a family member who still has not forgiven you for something you said or did during a bipolar episode.  But the responsibility is on our shoulders to act better after we’re out of the episode and, like I said, in some cases, this means making amends.

Even after the apologies are all said and done, however, some people may still not forgive or understand you and/or your behavior.  That’s where it’s our responsibility to educate others about our disorder.  Now, I didn’t say it would be easy or fun, but it’s just something we have to do.  And the more we,  ourselves, know about it, the better.

Sometimes, in a depressive episode, we may not have the strength, energy, or even desire to care what other people think.  That doesn’t mean that our behavior still doesn’t hurt them, though.  They may even be more concerned about us than we are about ourselves.

Sometimes, in a manic episode, we can get so “high” and impulsive, that we just give no thought to the consequences of our actions and behavior – we just may not care what other people may think.  Then there are the consequences to pay afterwards, of course.

Getting along with people does take some degree of diplomacy.  I’m not saying we have to be so self-conscious of everything we say or do, or to be afraid to be ourselves, but we should take other people’s feelings into consideration.  Sometimes that boils down to just downright politeness, no matter how bad a mood we’re in.

It’s important that we are sensitive to those around us, especially those who care about us.  I’m not sure I like that expression, “It’s easier to ask forgiveness than it is to ask permission.”  If we’re conscious of our words and actions, and try to be positive and uplifting to those around us, then we won’t have to ask forgiveness later.

It still boils down to the old Golden Rule:  “Treat others the way that you would like them to treat you.”

Wishing you peace and stability,

Remember God loves you and so do I,

Michele

I had someone tell me that she was jealous of me because I am so much further along in the mangement of my bipolar disorder than she is.  I tried to comfort her by sharing that everyone moves at their own pace with this disorder.  You have to remember that it’s been many years since my diagnosis, with working hard every day to learn how to control my bipolar disorder instead of the other way around.

I wasn’t always stable.  I’m still not always stable – I still struggle with depression here and there.  But it isn’t fair to look at my life now and compare it to yours if you are still struggling, thinking that you will never reach stability.  I would encourage you that if you do the things I did (medication, therapy, self-help, support system, etc.) and do them consistently, then you will eventually become stable, too.

We can’t compare ourselves to each other.  Everyone has their own way of doing things, and everything happens in its own timing.  Consistency is the keyword.  If you keep doing what you need to do to maintain stability you will, in fact, maintain that stability.

That is still not to ensure that you will never go into another bipolar episode or experience bouts of non-episodic depression here and there.  Nobody’s perfect, especially not me.  So I would say to this woman, please do not compare yourself to me.  I am just further along in my journey than you are, but you’ll get there.

We may have the same disorder, but there are different types of bipolar disorder.  And the symptoms may manifest themselves differently between different people.  We each have to develop an individual treatment plan and follow it for ourselves, not expecting that someone else’s plan will work for us, or vice-versa.

The main thing is to never give up hope.  If you do compare yourself to me at all, let it be with the hope that someday you will achieve stability like I have.  I’m nobody special.  I haven’t done anything that you can’t do.  I just “walk the bipolar walk,” one day at a time.

So be encouraged.  Stability IS attainable!  Just don’t compare yourself to others.  You will go through your own journey as you need to go through it, and remember that everyone is different.

Even the Bible says that “God’s timing is not our timing.”  Be patient.  And be consistent, doing what is right.

Wishing you peace and stability,

Remember God loves you and so do I,

Michele

I am so excited!  I have several Christian books I’ve written that are going to be published and will soon be available to you.  They are encouraging and inspirational and will give you hope while trying to manage your bipolar disorder.  It’s amazing what God can do with us if we’re just willing to be used by Him.

Willingness.  What a topic.  There are so many things that we just don’t want to do sometimes, and it takes everything in us to do them.  Like having to take medication every day, see a psychiatrist and therapist, eat and sleep right, exercise, and everything else we have to do to control our bipolar disorder.

Willingness.  It doesn’t mean that you have to like what you’re doing, just to accept that you have to do it.  Of course, the more willing you are, the better your attitude will be toward what you need to do.

Like, look what God is doing in my life now – compared to where I used to be.  I hated my life, I hated myself, I used alcohol and drugs to self-medicate my bipolar symptoms, I had no thought for the future – I just wanted to get through the pain of today.

Today I am willing to do whatever it takes to manage my bipolar disorder.  I never want to go back to having those mood swings, or pay the consequences of bipolar episodes.

But because I am willing today, I have a positive attitude, I am able to love myself and others, to be productive and healthy.  My life is a very good one, now.

Willingness takes humility, though.  You can’t have things your own way all the time, nor expect to.  It’s like “agreeing to disagree” instead of fighting, even if you know you’re right. 

When other people see the willingness in you, they are more willing to pull for you, too, like your supporter.  I know my husband is always behind me no matter what (he is my primary supporter), but I know he appreciates it more when he sees that I am willing to take care of myself and my own needs.  He is the same way.

Willingness gets you much further than unwillingness does.  When I was unwilling, I had a bad attitude, and everything suffered.  Today I no longer suffer.  And, like I said, life is good.

Wishing you peace and stability,

Remember God loves you and so do I,

Michele

This is not going to be a very popular topic, I’ll tell you that up front.  No one wants to think about, much less talk about, pain.  Unfortunately, with bipolar disorder does come the inevitable pain.

Don’t get me wrong, even people without bipolar disorder experience pain in their lives – it’s not just us.  But any way you look at it, it’s unpleasant.

Think about it this way, though — of your memories, which are the ones that stand out the most?  Probably those that involved pain, right?  It’s a real attention-getter!

We are all going to experience pain in this life, there’s no getting around that.  Jesus said, “In this world you WILL have tribulation; but take heart, I have overcome the world.”  Not MIGHT have tribulation (trials, pain), but WILL.

It’s not that it happens to you, it’s what you do with it that counts.  You can just sit and feel sorry for yourself and wonder about why God is picking on you, or you can use the painful situation to grow.

I cannot imagine any other experience more painful than losing my sister to suicide (except maybe the death of a child).  That was some major pain.  And I grieved for a long time.  But eventually, I grew from the experience.  I learned how to make her death count for something.  Now, personally, I am still without my sister, and to this day that is still painful when I think about her and miss her.  But I USED that pain to make things better.  Thousands of people have been touched by my sister’s story.

In A.A., they say that “pain is the touchstone to spiritual growth.”  I believe that.  Although (or maybe because of) our most painful experiences are the ones that teach us the most, it doesn’t make it any easier to get through it when it’s going on.

Like right now, my doctor just switched my medication, and it’s making me agitated and irritable.  Do I like that?  No.  Is there anything I can do to change it (except call my doctor)?  No.  Will it get better in spite of me?  Yes.

That’s the hope we have.  That no matter how painful what we’re going through is, there WILL be an end to it.  Just remember, during those times, that “This too shall pass.”  Just that one phrase has gotten me through many painful trials.

Also remember, you are NOT alone.  God said, “I will NEVER leave you nor forsake you.”  God is with you in the midst of your suffering.  And He doesn’t want you to suffer, any more than you do.  But you have to stand on His promises to get stronger.  Remember, “His strength is made perfect in my weakness.”  And that, “Whenever I am weak, He is strong.” 

No matter how much pain you’re in right now, remember what the Bible says: “No temptation hath befallen you except that which is common to man.  But God is faithful, who will not allow you to be tempted [tested] beyond your means and with the temptation will provide a way of escape that you may be able to bear up under it.”  God does not expect you to be perfect, to do this alone, or to suffer and fail.  He is there for you in the MIDST of your suffering!

When my sister died, I wanted to die with her.  I found out what the word “suffer” is all about.  I was beyond miserable, I was inconsolable.  It didn’t matter to me that my family was also suffering.  I only cared that *I* was suffering.  And that pain was not getting better with each new day – in fact, it was getting worse, because I was missing her more and more.  Yes, I suffered with losing the twin of my heart.

But people were compassionate toward me.  People understood what I was going through, and they ministered to me.  And I felt comforted.  You are not alone in your suffering – there are others who understand how you feel.

Once I started writing about it (before I was able to talk about it), things started getting better for me.  I no longer wanted to die with my sister.  I saw a purpose for my life.  I realized that pain will change you.  And if you let it, it will change you for the better, because it will make you stronger for having had to experience it.  Then you can turn around and help the next person who is going through what you went through.

Wishing you peace and stability,

Remember God loves you and so do I,

Michele

I’ve been stable for quite awhile now, but those ole racing thoughts still give me trouble.  Many nights I just can’t shut off my brain to get to sleep.  Oh, once I’ve fallen asleep, I’m fine, but it’s the getting to sleep that’s the problem.

I found a solution, though, and wanted to share it with you, because I know alot of people with bipolar disorder struggle with the same thing.

I don’t mean for this to come out like a commercial, but it probably will, so I’ll apologize for that right off.  But there’s a website where I got some relaxation CDs that are working for me really great.  I even wrote a couple articles on the homepage of this website on hypnosis and meditation that you can read.  It’s at: www.goodtapes.com, and the man’s name is Louis P. Bauer, Ph.D.

He’s even got one on losing weight that I’m listening to at night now, because the last medication I was changed to put 35 pounds on me!  NOT a good thing.  But to have both my weight problem and racing thoughts problem addressed at the same time?  Good thing!

He also has one on stress and anxiety reduction that I’ve gotten but haven’t had a chance to listen to yet.  But I’m sure I’m going to like it.   I’m telling you, I have no idea what the end of the CD says, because I’m asleep before the end!  I’m so excited about that, as you can tell.

I normally don’t endorse other people’s products, but in this case, I’m using it myself with success, so maybe you can, too.

I’m waking up better in the morning, too, without that groggy “med hangover” feeling!  My writing is better, and so is my attitude.

Well, that’s all I had for today, just a quick commercial, then off to work!  Hope you’re having a good day.

Wishing you peace and stability,

Remember God loves you and so do I,

Michele

Well, I’m still feeling great!  I take advantage of times like this when I have increased energy and a strong feeling of well-being, because I know that, realistically, it won’t always be this way, and things can turn around in an instant when you have bipolar disorder.

But it brought to mind that there are things we can do to at least try to stay on an even keel with bipolar disorder.

The most important thing is to keep your life as stress-free as possible.  If you have any toxic people in your life – people who are not supportive of you, negative people, people who bring out the worst in you, or even just rub you the wrong way – you need to get rid of them.

This may be more difficult if these people are family members, but usually, for the most part, you don’t have to be around them much, and you can cut out (or down) the phone calls in which you have to deal with them.

Remember that your stability with bipolar has to come first.  It might hurt some of the people you love when you tell them that you can’t have much contact with them because it makes your bipolar worse, but in the long run, you will benefit from it by increased stability.

Try to surround yourself with positive, optimistic, supportive people instead.  This will help you to be able to deal with circumstances as they present themselves to you, especially negative or difficult ones.  Know who your true friends are, those in your support system, and turn to them for help when you need it.

Try to avoid toxic circumstances as well.  If you know that you will experience anxiety and stress if you go into the mall, or if you have a penchant for impulsive buying, then you need to avoid the mall, or take someone with you who knows your circumstances.

If you know you can’t work full-time, then don’t apply for those jobs – it is just setting yourself up for failure.  You can only do what you can do, and with bipolar disorder, many people cannot handle the stress of working a full-time job.

Try doing things you enjoy.  Have a hobby, or volunteer for a worthy cause.  This will help your bipolar disorder as well as your self-esteem, when you feel valued for helping other people (and yourself).

Have things to look forward to.  Make general plans, if precise plans are not suitable for you (like you get too stressed the day of the planned event because of your bipolar disorder).  Just getting together with a good friend over coffee can do wonders for you!  Or take a long drive out into the country just to enjoy the scenery, knowing that just going outside is good for your emotional health.

Keep doing the things that keep you stable – like taking your medications, seeing your psychiatrist and therapist, keeping a good sleep schedule, eating a healthy diet, and exercising (even if it’s only walking).

Make a To-Do List each day – you will feel a great sense of accomplishment when you check items off the list.  Don’t make it too overwhelming, though – only what you can feasibly accomplish that day.

Stay spiritually fit as well, by attending church or synagogue (or whatever), or just reading inspirational literature, like my Spiritual Journey devotionals (hint hint!).

Do things that make you feel good about yourself.  If you do one thing each day that you don’t feel like doing (but is necessary to do, like the dishes or laundry), you will feel successful.  And then you can reward yourself for doing it! (Chocolate always works for me! )

By keeping your stress level low, watching who you hang around with, staying out of tense or even toxic situations, and practicing the other things I’ve outlined in this post, you should be able to stay on an even keel.

Do you have other things that work for you to keep you on an even keel?  I’d like to hear any suggestions.

Wishing you peace and stability,

Remember God loves you and so do I,

Michele

Yes, I have bipolar disorder, and yes, I feel great!  Of course, I don’t feel great about actually having the disorder, but that’s another thing entirely.  What I’m saying is that I don’t have to let the fact that I have bipolar disorder steal my joy – that is up to me!

Now, that’s not to say that every day is going to be perfect – it isn’t.  Or that things around you will happen just the way you want them to happen – they won’t.  Or people will be the way you want them to be – they can’t.  But, in general, you are in charge of how you feel.

So today, I choose to feel great!  It doesn’t mean I don’t have problems, because I do, but they are working themselves out.  I have some responsibility in the working out, of course, but a lot of times I can, “Let Go and Let God,” and not worry about things, which only adds to my general sense of well-being and happiness.

It also leaves me more energy to deal with the things I do need to deal with.  You know, those “extras” that always seem to come up and need attention.  Like when I forget something, and am scrambling at the last minute to find something I need.  That still happens.  But it happens to people who don’t have bipolar disorder, too.  We’re not different from others in that regard.

In fact, in my opinion, we pay more attention to detail than others do, and try even harder to do a good job in spite of our disorder.  We don’t want to be viewed as different.  In general, we are also more creative, and tend to look for answers “outside the box,” which makes us an asset to work, church, home, friends, and family.

So we should feel good about ourselves.  You should especially feel good about yourself if you are not in an episode today – that means you’re working a good program and taking care of yourself and controlling your disorder!  So, kudos to you, my friends!

If you are struggling, though, try to remember that “This too shall pass.”  You have been here before and survived it, and you will survive this as well.  Try to grow through whatever is happening to you, and remember that “All things work together for good to them that love the Lord…” 

That means ALL things – even the difficult ones.  You may not see a way out of things right now, but you never know when the answer will reveal itself.  You just need to be open to it.  Stay calm, and don’t let yourself get distressed or depressed.  Keep telling yourself that you’ve been here before and came out on the other side.  I know that one thought really helps me.

It’s hard to see the good when the bipolar shadow seems so gloomy over your head (and your life), but try to be optimistic anyway.  Don’t let bipolar disorder steal your joy – there is much in your life to be happy about.

Think about the good things in your life.  Are you relatively healthy?  Be glad!  Are your close friends, spouse, children and other family in good health?  Be glad for that as well.  Are you working, or do you have an income?  And are you living within that income?  Be very glad, as many people are not, and are struggling financially because of the economy right now.

Are you living in a warm apartment or house?  Be glad.  Many people with mental illness are still living on the streets because they haven’t gotten help.

Do you have a car that is drivable and not giving you any problems at the moment?  Be glad!  Many people are driving cars that are giving them problems, or affecting whether they have transportation or not.

Are you being productive?  Working a job or home business, or working around the house or volunteering your time to help others?  Be glad!  Many people can benefit from the good job that you do. 

Are you happy with yourself?  You should be.  You are a unique individual with God-given gifts that you can use to help others.  Think about how you do that.  You may not see the results of things like “random acts of kindness,” but someone will benefit from your help in the long run, whether you see the results or not.

Are you living “in the moment, one day at a time?”  If you are, you should be happy about that, as many people have not learned how to do that.  And it makes for so much more of a stress-free life when you’re not carrying all that baggage from the past or worry about the future.

Are you stable?  Be very, very glad for that!  And remember the times when you weren’t as stable.

Be glad for who you are!  Be glad for where you’re at!  Be glad that you are productive!  Be glad for being a help to others!  And be glad that you are a good example of a person with bipolar disorder.  You are an encouragement to more people than you know.

Be glad!!!

Wishing you peace and stability,

Remember God loves you and so do I,

Michele

Sometimes, if you leave a problem alone, it will resolve itself.  Things just have a way of working themselves out sometimes.  It’s not my situation that has changed, but my approach to it has changed.

I go back to my AA 1st Step:  I am powerless over people, places, and things.

I have no control over my friends or what they decide to do – but I do have control over my reaction to what they say and do.  And I hate confrontation.  So I will stay who I am, remain quiet about the conflict, and hope that everything will work itself out without a confrontation.

There are times when we will have to rise up against confrontations and defend ourselves, but most of the time, that isn’t necessary.  People are going to be people, and sometimes they won’t understand your differences, or your bipolar disorder.

You may even have to give up the friendship if it is reflecting bad on you – if it is causing negative thinking, causing you to doubt yourself and your stand on things, and especially if it is making your bipolar disorder worse.

There are just some people who are “toxic people.”  Toxic to you, anyway.  They can be a negative influence on you, and you don’t need that kind of friend.  You need to surround yourself with positive people who are on your side.  People who lift you up when you’re feeling down.  People who accept you just the way you are, and don’t try to change you.

We have enough to worry about with just managing our bipolar disorder.  We don’t need to be worried about attacks that come from people we thought were friends.  We need to work on improving ourselves and our disorder and, ultimately, our lives.

We need to stay away from disagreeable people, because they will just bring us down.  And you know how I’m always talking about being positive.  I mean that.  Negativity can cause you to get sick – I don’t mean just to go into a bipolar episode, but you can get physically sick as well – migraines, stomach problems, etc.  And we need to take good care of ourselves, so we need to avoid toxic people.

It’s harder when it’s a friend or family member, but the rules are still the same.  Stay away from toxic people, as they will make you sicker.  Try to get along with everybody, and avoid confrontations.  Yet speak up for yourself if you feel that it is your character or ability that is being challenged.  After all, we are not DISabled – we are disABLED!

Unfortunately, there are still people who will look at us as our disorder, and not as ourselves.  If that is happening to you, take it as sure knowledge that you shouldn’t be friends with this person.  Or, if you want to keep that person as a friend, you need to educate them about bipolar disorder.

Concentrate on your other, more positive, friendships.  Those people who build you up instead of try to take you down.  Who understand you and what makes you who you are.  People who are agreeable toward you.

And don’t even deal with those people who are trying to “push your button,” or have a negative influence on you.  We already have enough stress – we don’t need it in our friendships or relationships, too.

Wishing you peace and stability,

Remember God loves you and so do I,

Michele

Today I have to admit, I have a bad bipolar attitude.  Maybe if I didn’t have bipolar disorder, my attitude would be better, but, I don’t know, today I feel more sensitive than usual, and something is going on in my life that I’m not happy with.  So I have two choices – 1. I can keep my feelings to myself and accept what’s going on, or 2. I can speak out about how I feel, consequences be damned.

Guess which I’m going to choose?  I can’t afford (literally) to speak my mind.  I used to do that when I would be in a manic episode, because I never cared what people thought of me, and I was on such a “high” that what they thought didn’t matter.

But I’m not that person any more.  I’m more mad at myself today than anyone else, because I feel I have compromised by being who I am now, worried about what other people might think of me – specifically, that they wouldn’t understand what I’m talking about because I’m so round-about about it, not being forthright.

I’m mad because after all this time I still keep my mouth shut when maybe I should be speaking out about injustices.  Is this what society’s stigma has done to me?  If so, I am ashamed.  We should be so much further along than we are.

Still, it is my choice whether I speak up or not, and I am trying to decide whether to talk to this person or not about the way I’m feeling.  In AA we have a saying about “someone taking up space in your head without paying rent.”  Well, that’s what’s happening here – they don’t even know that I have a problem, but I’m obsessing over it.

On the other hand, we can’t keep our emotions bottled up all the time, especially not out of fear of what other people will think of us.  I guess I just started taking things for granted.  Now I feel like I’m being taken for granted.  Or at least my friendship is.  I would hope that we would be good enough friends that I could just speak my mind without recourse, but I’m just not sure of that.  Maybe at one point, but now I think I may have missed the opportunity.

I heard that depression is anger turned inward.  That would make sense today.  I am angry at myself for letting things go on this long, feeling like I’m being taken for granted.  I don’t want to lose the friendship, which is why I haven’t said anything so far, but now I don’t know what to do.

I advocate for mental health in the work I do for NAMI, and I speak out against injustices against the mentally ill.  So why can’t I do it on a smaller scale and be honest when I don’t think this person is treating me unfairly?  I need to follow my own advice, what I’ve told y’all so many times, about not letting others take advantage of you and to speak up.  But I just don’t know what to say, and I feel like the friendship is being taken for granted.

Oh well, I still have the AA paragraph to fall back on: “…unless I accept life completely on life’s terms, I cannot be happy.  I need to concentrate not so much on what needs to be changed in the world as what needs to be changed in me and my attitudes.

That’s the answer – accept this, and change my attitude back to a positive one.  Everything else will work itself out.  Anyway, thanks for letting me dump!

Any advice?

Wishing you peace and serenity,

Remember God loves you and so do I,

Michele

I had someone ask me if the weather could have anything to do with their bipolar depression (they were having bad weather), so I did some research on it.

Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) can be one cause for depression, as it has to do with the weather.  In other words, if the weather is cold and gloomy, someone with this disorder will get depressed.

But bipolar depression is different in that it won’t go away overnight, or even after a few days (and especially not just because the sun comes out).  Bipolar depression can only be treated with medication.  On the other hand, research does show that depression can improve if you have bipolar and you go outside into the natural light.

There is even something called Light Therapy that goes on that assumption, and many people with bipolar disorder claim that it works for them.

I, personally, find that my moods to tend to fluctuate according to the weather, although that is not the only factor, as it is with SAD.  My attitude has a lot to do with it as well.  If I am in a happy mood, it doesn’t matter if it’s raining or snowing.  But if I am unhappy, bad weather will just compound my bad mood.

If I change my attitude, however, and try to be positive and optimistic, my bad mood will change into a good mood, no matter what the weather does.  So I do have some control over it.

The point is what I just said – that you DO have control over how the weather affects you, in most cases.  The choice is yours whether to let a snowy or rainy day get you down.   Try to do something positive instead of dwelling on the negative weather outside.  Do something that you enjoy doing.

Like, in my case, I love a gloomy, rainy day, as I love to pick up a good book, climb into bed, and pull the covers up.  Then I read to my heart’s content.

Sometimes, if I’m feeling negative, I will write in my journal about the way I’m feeling, and by the time I’ve dumped all that onto paper, I find that my mood has already improved.  It really helps me to write everything out.

When it’s a real bipolar depression, like one that has gone on for days, I tell my husband (my primary supporter) about it.  It helps to know that I don’t have to handle it alone.  He is always there for me, and  he understands – so I don’t have to go into a big explanation or be defensive.  It’s nice to have that.

As for today, well, the sun is shining!  Which always helps when you have bipolar disorder.  I think it’s going to be  a good day!  I hope it is for you as well.

Wishing you peace and stability,

Remember God loves you and so do I,

Michele