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I Just Want to be ME

By Michele Soloway Sexton

When you are first diagnosed with bipolar disorder, your head may be reeling, whether you are happy that you finally have a label to put with that feeling you had that something was wrong with you, or whether you are totally surprised that something is wrong with you. Either way, you may have some ambivalent feelings about the whole thing.

Separating the bipolar disorder from your own sense of self is a difficult thing. I felt like I was one person (my real self) and yet another totally different person (my bipolar self) – like I was torn in two. Knowing my diagnosis didn't quite help that. Knowing I had a disorder with no cure and over which I had no control especially didn't help that.

I struggled with my identity. Who am I? I just want to be ME! I felt like shouting at the doctor as he explained that now I was a person with bipolar disorder. "What's a person with bipolar disorder?" I wanted to ask him. As if a person with bipolar disorder were someone different from their true self upon diagnosis.

It's like you become three people when you have bipolar disorder. There is the depressed you, the manic you, and the "normal" you. Like you have a multiple personality disorder, only you're aware of the three sides to your personality. Gosh, how I wish I could be the "normal" me all the time, but unfortunately, I don't seem to have any say in the matter. Sometimes there are triggers, yes, but sometimes the chemicals in my brain just fire off all by themselves, for no particular reason, and there I am with personality #1 or personality #3.

I went through a period of grief. Yes, grief. When I was first diagnosed, I grieved the loss of my old (pre-bipolar disorder) identity. "Well, NOW who am I," I thought, "now that I'm a person with an incurable disorder with a chemical imbalance in my brain (thank you very much)?"

Then I got angry. I mean, nobody asked me if I wanted this. If I were asked, I would have chosen something that at least had a cure. Something with a yearly telethon. But there are no telethons for bipolar disorder. It still has a society-stigma stamp on it. Most people don't know what to say when you tell them you have it. All they know is you aren't "normal" any more. You're not your "old" self. Now you're a "bipolar self."

I JUST WANT TO BE ME!

I still want to scream it from the mountain tops! Hey—I'm still ME inside! Yeah, so, I've got this stupid disorder, but I'm still ME! Don't run away because you think you can catch this thing like a cold! I'm still the same me I was yesterday before I knew I had this disorder!

But people seem scared of me now. They don't understand. Well, I guess I can understand that. I didn't know about it either, until I started researching it.

So I guess I just have to accept the new me. I'll have to become a better me. There's still the real me inside. I'm still the same person, with the same qualities I had before. But I can take this adversity and make it a challenge to be an even greater me than I ever have been. Maybe I have no control over the bipolar disorder. But I still have control over ME! They can't take that away from me.

About the Author

Michele Soloway Sexton has dealt with bipolar disorder from a very young age. Her grandmother, mother, herself, and her teenage son all have the disorder. She also lost her sister to suicide because of bipolar disorder. Michele has a blog for bipolar survivors at http://bipolarsurvivor.blogspot.com, and is also a contributing writer to www.bipolarcentral.com.

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