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Loved One With Bipolar Disorder?
Discover How to Cope and Deal with
Your loved One's Bipolar Disorder
Do You Have Bipolar Disorder?
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With Your Bipolar Disorder
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and
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You are Dealing with Bipolar Disorder
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The Pattern of Lying in Bipolar Disorder
*Throughout this report, reference is made to "he" or
"she" when talking about a person who is bipolar. It can be either,
and using one term or the other is merely for the sake of convenience. These
suggestions are meant for anyone, male or female, who are suffering from bipolar
and his (or her) family and friends.
There are so many times when someone we care about who is bipolar looks us
straight in the eye and tells us a lie with such a sincere expression that we
are absolutely convinced they are telling the truth. In fact, even though we
know they've lied many times in the past, we feel so bad about doubting them
that we get sucked in again and tell ourselves that it's not fair to withhold
our trust and we are duped one more time.
Why do so many people who have bipolar disorder tell lies over and over
again, even when it isn't necessary? It seems to be a component of their illness
that is particularly maddening. Although it sometimes serves an obvious purpose
- it keeps them (at least temporarily) out of trouble when they realize they'd
created a problem - at other times they lie just for the sake of lying. Why?
Let's talk about the most obvious one first, self-preservation. Like anyone
who does something wrong, when a person with bipolar gets caught, the tendency
is to deny they did it. Unfortunately, someone with bipolar tends to make more
mistakes (promiscuity, reckless spending, bad behavior at work) that require
apology to the next person, so they tend to resort to lying to cover them up
more. It's simple math.
At other times a person will lie to "divide and conquer." In other
words, he or she may tell their therapist one thing and their doctor another. Or
he or she could tell conflicting stories to a spouse and a parent. For instance,
a man could tell his wife, "You know, Dad never did think you were good for
me. He's always thought I got a lot worse since I married you," but tell
his father, "It's funny, Cynthia just doesn't understand how helpful you
are. She thinks we should move away because you're so controlling."
By setting two people against each other, the person with bipolar manages to
make sure he is the center of attention and that the two parties won't join
forces against him. He is in complete control of the situation, exactly where he
wants to be. This is what most people with bipolar disorder crave - control.
When family members have all been fed lies that indicate that everyone else
is either mad at them or disapproves of them, they are unlikely to all sit down
together and discuss how to get control of a situation. If someone with bipolar
says that they are broke and need money, they will likely be able to borrow it
from four or five people with no one being the wiser if none of these four or
five people are talking to each other!
When a person with bipolar is in an episode or cycle, it can also be that
they simply cannot control their ability to lie or tell the truth, either or
they are not in touch with reality. A manic episode is noticeable by a lack of
impulse control and rational thinking - the brain is not signaling correctly.
Telling the truth is based partly on the ability to control yourself and relay
accurate information. Trait common in bipolar disorder that can lead to
dishonest behavior include difficulty with inferential comprehension and a
strong sense of literal comprehension, in which everything is "black and
white". Many people with bipolar are so intent on the entertainment value
of being a good story teller that they simply say whatever pops into their head
because negative attention to them is better than none at all.
They are also focused on one ultimate goal during a bout of mania - if it
feels good, do it. To that end, if lying will get them to the ultimate goal,
they will lie. That's why during a manic phase you may find out that they told a
woman in a bar that they were the CEO of a Fortune 500 company or in the CIA.
They lied to get what they wanted.
In the most severe bouts of mania, there is also a distortion of reality that
can even be classified as hallucinatory. The reality that someone with bipolar
is experiencing is not the same a the reality you are experiencing, so if you
loved one tells you that her mother slapped her, she may truly believe that. If
you ask your mother-in-law later and she says she brushed something off her
daughter's cheek, they may both be telling the truth, as they understood it at
the time.
Lying Because She Believes It
Mom walked into the kitchen to begin yelling once again at Dad while
he was trying to eat. It had been a long day of aggressive behavior on
her part, and Dad decided he just couldn't listen anymore. He calmly
picked up his plate and walked away to throw away his food and put the
dishes in the sink, but the fork accidentally slid off the plate onto
the floor.
Mom began screaming that Dad had thrown the fork at her. I was there,
and I know that he never threw anything at her, but Mom insisted that
Dad had deliberately thrown it at her to hit her, and she harped on it
for weeks.
She cried, she accused and she told her therapist about it. We argued
about it, and I try hard not to do that. Finally I realized that she
really believed that it had happened exactly as she said - he had thrown
that fork at her. The heightened sensitivity and emotional instability
of being in the grips of an episode were altering Mom's perception.
- David Oliver |
How Can You Tell if Someone With Bipolar Is Lying?
There are so many areas where lying can take place that you may feel
overwhelmed. How do you know when the person you care about is lying and what
they are lying about? With someone who has bipolar, you may need to be highly
vigilant when they are experiencing an episode or aren't stabilized.
How to tell if your loved one is lying:
- Watch for behavior clues; is the story too farfetched or inconsistent to
believe?
- Body language, though they may be looking you square in the eye, are they
looking through you or at you (blank looking eyes that aren't moving usually
signal a lie) Most people when speaking to others will move their eyes
slightly to focus on the individual facial features.
- Fidgeting: if your loved one isn't usually this way, then it's a good
indication they are lying.
- Swaying from foot to foot or looking behind them from time to time, or
looking at the clock repeatedly
- Over telling the story so you will believe what they are saying,
(exaggeration) trying very hard to convince you of what occurred.
- Rapid speech, or an inability to stop talking, (and when you have them
slow down and repeat the story it is usually not told the same way
twice).
Remember that lies aren't always just stories that are told to your face or
behind your back. Lies can also be omissions of information (forgetting to tell
you he's stopped taking his medication).
Below is a checklist of ways you can see if someone in your life who has
bipolar disorder may be lying about you on a regular basis:
- Observe people when you walk into a room; do they walk away, or talk among
themselves and point as though they suspect you of something? Then your
loved one may be accusing you of treating them poorly or denying them care.
- People begin to question you about your occupation, your past, your home
life or anything else in an intrusive way that indicates too much interest
based on information they may have received from the person with bipolar.
- Doctors and/or therapists question you about your treatment of their
patient and insinuate that you may have contributed to an episode or
instability.
- Police, clergy or authorities begin to take an interest in you as though
rumors have reached them of problems.
- Friends you used to be close to are growing more and more distant and
giving you the cold shoulder.
Of course, the person with bipolar may also lie to you, which is an entirely
different ballgame. This can be checked in a variety of different ways because
there are so many more methods of "lying" to you. Some of these you
will be able to do, others you won't, depending upon what your relationship with
the person is. For instance, if you are married to someone with bipolar, you
should certainly be able to review credit card statements, but if you are
helping your sibling this may be more difficult too accomplish. At any rate,
here are some things to look for if you feel the person with bipolar in your
life is lying to you:
- Call or meet with friends and family members so that you can talk about
the situation. Explain your concerns tell them anything that you have been
told concerning them. This way, they have the opportunity to confirm or deny
the information and you can compare notes. You may find an awful lot of
discrepancies when you begin talking.
Once you are told a story and you are not sure you believe it, follow up on
it in front of your loved one. Call the person accused of the behavior right in
front of your loved one and ask about the situation. It has been my finding that
the bipolar sufferers do not like confrontation in which they will be held
accountable for their actions.
- Confirm an appointment by telephone if you suspect that he is no longer
actually keeping them.
- Check prescription bottles. Are the amounts going down as they should be?
If not, the person may be lying about remaining on his medications.
- Review all bank statements and credit card statements. If there are
unexplained withdrawals or charges, you need to investigate to see where the
money is going and why.
- If the person tells you that they didn't make a charge, that the money was
stolen or some other story that doesn't "jibe," trust your
instincts. Investigate further before taking them at their word.
Maria's Story - Lying to Cover Her Tracks
Maria had a manic episode last year that she managed to get under
control with the support of her husband Brad, an excellent counselor,
and an adjustment of her medications. It was, however, difficult for her
whole family. Her husband was devastated the night he went looking for
her and found her in a bar dancing with a strange man, lips locked. When
she admitted to flirting with the man and coming on to him but nothing
more, they were able to work past it and move on.
A few months later, Brad found tickets to the Virgin Islands and
hotel reservations on their credit card. Maria insisted he call the
credit card company and investigate the obvious identity theft and
misuse of their credit. Concerned, Brad called and had an investigation
launched. After many weeks and countless angry phone calls from Brad, it
was proven that Maria had actually made the charges.
Why did Maria put Brad through all that trouble and embarrassment?
Because she wanted to delay Brad's inevitable discovery that she had
known the "stranger" longer than she said and had been
planning an affair.
- Brad S.
After the fact, a person with bipolar will usually regret what
they have done when they were manic and lie to cover up their
transgressions, hoping no one will ever found out just how badly they
acted. |
How Do I Deal With and Protect Myself from the Lies?
Protecting yourself in the face of the lies of someone with bipolar disorder
is also very important. Lies will always grief in the end, but some will cause
more problems than others. In order to prevent as much fallout as possible, keep
these tips in mind:
- If you get any telephone calls from the police of other authorities asking
you questions, be honest and straightforward. Do not stand behind what you
have been told by the person with bipolar unless it is warranted. Explain to
the officer or person of authority that you have been told what you believe
to be the truth by your loved one, who has bipolar disorder. Tell them that
this is a mood disorder and that you have not yet confirmed the situation.
This protects both of you legally in the best way possible.
- Volunteer to talk to any friends or family members who confront you about
your treatment of the person with bipolar. If they express concern and say
that the person has told them you have been mean to them, yelling at them
for no reason, withholding needed money, or whatever, be open and honest.
Correct the misinformation and tell them, "Feel free to call me any
time when you hear something bad that is happening (to him or her). If he
has said we're being abusive, not letting him do anything, not letting him
take his medicine, refusing to help him, whatever, I'll be happy to answer
any of your questions." This statement is psychologically powerful. It
says that you have nothing to hide and makes people stop and think before
automatically believing everything that is said to them.
- If your loved one with bipolar has lied to medical providers in the past
(or your suspect he has), your best bet is to formalize things in writing. A
letter clarifying the issue will help tremendously. An example might look
like this:
I, <Your Name> give you, <doctor's name>, permission to contact
me at any time on any day at 222-555-1212 when <name of person with
bipolar> informs you, her physician (or therapist) about any forms of
either verbal, physical or any form of abuse or mistreatment she feels she may
be experiencing that may be interfering with the treatment of her bipolar
disorder.
Please note that this letter is in no way is an admission that such
"abuse" or "mistreatment" is or has occurred. This is just
one of many steps I am taking to help my mother's (or brother's, etc.)
condition improve and to let you know that you can contact me at ANY time.
Should you have any questions, please feel free to call or email me.
Thank you,
<Your name>
222-555-1212
You can also attend the sessions by requesting a release or just to discuss
your observation of the situation. This helps your case and builds credibility.
Here's something interesting you should keep in mind when dealing with
doctors and therapists - I have dealt with them myself because of my mother's
bipolar, and talked to many other people who have dealt with them, and we have
all come to the same conclusion - they can be fooled by lies just as easily as
we are.
In fact, doctors and therapists often fall for the lies of a person with
bipolar very easily because the circumstances make it so easy. They see the
person only once a week for less than an hour a time for therapy or perhaps once
a month for regular medication check-ups. They will only hear one side of the
story unless you provide the opportunity (through the letter suggested above)
for them to contact you, and without evidence to the contrary it can be
difficult for them to believe that what sounds like realistic information is
actually a series of plausible-sounding lies.
In my case, my mother told her doctor that she couldn't get her prescriptions
filled for a variety of reasons (we wouldn't take her to the pharmacy, we didn't
give her money for the prescriptions, etc.) during one episode. During another,
she suggested that both my dad and I were verbally abusive and mean to her. In
both cases the doctor was upset and felt that we were contributing to her
instability.
Mike's Story - Lying for Self-Preservation
Mike had been in the midst of what his wife felt was a mild episode
when he began calling from work and saying that he was being asked to
work some overtime twice a week. They needed the money to cover numerous
bills, so she was relieved and didn't question it. When his next
paycheck came, she saw there was no overtime, and called him at work to
find out that he hadn't been there for two weeks because he'd been
fired. Distraught, she began calling friends to try and find out where
he'd been going all this time.
When he didn't come home for two days, she began calling hospitals
and police departments. He was in jail. His explanation? That he'd been
stopped for speeding while he had beer in the car. Later, she found out
it was for calling a woman repeatedly and sexually harassing her. He
continued to lie about the incident even after the evidence, including
phone records, proved overwhelming against him. Mike eventually pled
guilty at his wife's urging, but soon started the cycle again when he
broke into a home and stole items to sell for cash when he couldn't hold
a job. Once again, he lied even to his wife long after the evidence
against him was overwhelming in the hopes that she wouldn't leave him
and that he wouldn't go to jail.
- Mike W.
Lying for self-preservation is an avoidance technique that
those with bipolar use to prevent the loss of a loved one, the need to
face punishment or any other consequence they simply don't feel they
have the resources to deal with. |
It took us quite a while to work these problems out, including demanding to
talk to the doctor ourselves and explaining the situation and presenting
evidence to her that we were actually trying to help mom. So you see, someone
with bipolar can easily trap even experts in their web of lies. Make sure you
talk to the doctors and therapists and keep the lines of communication open!
Dealing with Lies as They Are Happening
So what do you do when you know the person with bipolar you care about is
lying to you on a regular basis or is even lying to you at that precise moment?
It can be hard not to just scream at them or confront them about it, which will
often just turn into a huge argument that leads nowhere. Instead, try to focus
on why they are lying and cope with it from a more productive perspective.
Let's recap the main reasons people with bipolar tend to lie and look at some
ways you can respond productively.
- 1. To divide and conquer. Don't let this happen. Never assume what he or
she is telling you about other family members of friends. Always check for
yourself. Family meetings are a great way to double-check facts and make
sure everyone has accurate information. For doctors and therapists, use the
form shown earlier in this report so that the lines of communication are
kept open.
Also consider having a HIPPA waiver signed by the person with bipolar when
they are stable that will allow the doctors and/or therapists to talk with
you. I can't stress strongly enough how important this is, especially when
it appears that he may need to be hospitalized for treatment. He may be
lying to his doctor or therapist about any number of things, and without a
clear picture from you, the doctor may have no idea of the seriousness of
the situation.
- To get what they want during an episode, especially if they are in the
grips of mania, because they are in "instant gratification" mode.
This is when they may tell others that you aren't giving them money so that
they can get addition funds from friends or family or they tell a new
acquaintance that they are single when they are married in order to have a
sexual encounter.
This one is difficult to combat other than to present the truth to them,
which is difficult to deny in the case of something like being married or
your showing a bank statement to a family member showing funds transferred.
Don't argue over small disagreements, however. Choosing your battles is
important in this situation. If the person insists you are stealing their
hair gel, does it really matter? Avoiding confrontations that are
essentially meaningless at this point is very important. It de-compresses
the situation and allows everyone to calm down.
- To cover up for their transgressions once they are back to normal. They
may be unwilling to admit their mistakes and would like to simply forget
about them, so they are lying to cover them up. Don't be accusatory. Ever.
Yes, perhaps they've done something horrendous, and at some point farther
down the line you may have to decide whether it is something you can live
with (it may or may not be). But the transgression was not committed during
a manic episode specifically to hurt you - it may be a very personal hurt,
but the action was not deliberately undertaken to torture you, and neither
is the lie being told to cover it up.
Keep in mind that this type of lie means they actually do want to shield you
from hurt; it isn't the right way to do it, and it can't fix anything, but
if they didn't care for you at all, they would simply throw it in your face
and be done with it.
- A distorted perception of reality during an episode. If they perceive your
actions as aggressive or unloving, nothing you do is going to change that
perception and they will relay their perception as the truth to anyone who
will listen.
When a person with bipolar truly believes you are being mean, unsupportive
or whatever, they often feel doubly betrayed - first by their mood disorder,
and second by the person they were counting on to support and love them.
This is why they can't let go of the little lies like, "He shoved
me!" even when we may want to just let it drop. It is this litany of
accusation that they nurse like a grudge, holding on to it as proof that the
world around them isn't being fair to them. When the episode passes, so too
will this mood.
Don't give in to the urge to respond when they keep trying to "push
your buttons" on this type of an issue. Again, it's about choosing your
battles. Since you know that this perception will pass with the episode, why
waste time and energy arguing about it now? Better to save that energy to
address the more important lies - the ones that can cause permanent damage
(lies to therapists, lies to credit card companies, lies of omission).
- Because they simply do not believe they have bipolar disorder or do not
believe they need medication or need to see their doctor or therapist. In
these kinds of cases, the person lies in order to avoid treatment by
covering up the severity of his symptoms in order to avoid hospitalization
or treatment.
Lying to avoid treatment can involve family, friends or medical
professionals. It is when they insist they are fine but aren't. Most doctors
are trained to watch for the signs of impending symptoms, but since they
only see them for short periods of time it is easy to miss them.
If you ask your loved one with bipolar how they are feeling and they reply,
"Fine," don't take them at their word. Observe them for telltale
symptoms so that you can catch the signs of what may be an oncoming episode,
then present them with the evidence if need be.
- As a form of self-preservation to prevent punishment or loss. They don't
want to lose your love and affection, or their job, or someone's respect.
This form of lying is the area where you need to tread most gently. Although
this type of lying is often the most hurtful, it is also when the person
with bipolar also most needs your understanding and support. If you explain
clearly and honestly that you still love them and will support them
through their difficulties and you will not give up on them, you should
be able to help them face the consequences of this form of lying. However,
it will take great patience on both your parts.
Try to remember that these lies are all a defense mechanism for a person who
is shattered emotionally and that you must be patient and forgiving, but you
shouldn't trust without checking first!
References:
Dr. Arden E. Melzer, B.C.D., L.C.S.W., Valerie N. Danish, M.S. Ed, M.S.W.
N.C.PsyA., L.C.S.W., Cybershrink.Org
Mark S. Bauer, M.D. & Ellen Frank, Ph.D. Mood Disorders Work Group, Task
Force on Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fourth Edition,
American Psychiatric Association
Charles V. Ford, M.D. Lies, Lies, Lies, The Pathology of Deceit. American
Psychiatric Association
Kay Redfield Jamison, PhD, An Unquiet Mind, A. Knopf.
Kristeen Spratley, M.D. Pathological Liars, The Healthy Place Radio Show
Julie Fast, Author and person with bipolar disorder. Bipolar Happens
About The Author
Stacey Adams supports her mother and child, both of whom have bipolar
disorder. Stacey is a contributing writer for www.BipolarCentral.com.
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If you are in a crisis please call:
1-800-SUICIDE (784-2433) or
1-800-273-TALK (8255) |
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