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Manipulating You With Reality

For many of you who are caring for a loved one with bipolar disorder, it is very important to keep in mind that as long as they are in touch with reality, they know full well the behaviors they are exhibiting. My son, for instance, likes to have instant gratification. If he doesn't receive instant acknowledgement or has to wait even a few minutes, he starts taking his frustration out on those around him. At this point he is in touch with reality.

When he is not in touch with reality, I make sure to watch him more closely so he doesn't go into a rage. Many people will exhibit their reality in different ways. By attending therapy sessions with my son, I was able to find out how to know the difference. It is not always easy. One of the ways people with bipolar demonstrate that they are still in touch with reality is their ability to effectively manipulate those around them. I have learned to gauge whether my son is in touch with reality at any point in time by whether he is capable of pushing my buttons effectively or he is capable of deliberately making me feel guilty.

When he complains he is bored and needs to be entertained, I know he is soon going to try and manipulate me into taking him to a friend's house, even though he may have spent half the day with another one. He will use coherent thinking and let me know what items he plans to destroy if he is not allowed to go. This deliberate threat is a sign that he is in touch with reality.

If he is not in touch with reality there would be no warning signs before going into a full rage or crying fit. During these phases, he doesn't care about himself or anything around him, feels he is above the law and that nothing can happen to him because he has special powers or is a great runner. These grandiose delusions are a sign of not being in touch with reality.

Your loved one may show different signs, but it is important for you to figure them out so you can make your own life a little easier. One of the things I did was make a list of my son's behaviors and comments he frequently made, (taping them as they happen also helps because when you go into a therapy session the therapist can hear what is going on). This way you can find out what is in touch with reality, what is manipulative behavior and what is truly delusional thinking. The therapist can also help your loved one control these urges so that they are less frequent.

One of the strategies I was given was to read a book with helpful coping strategies and the science of using controlled breathing. Some of the techniques described in the book have helped me, and some have helped my son when he is willing to try them. Other times I will use the meditation and breathing techniques myself in order for me to remain calm and proactive. For those of you who have gone through a manic episode with a loved one, you know that the clearer you are able to think, the better you can respond to the situation.

You also need to keep in mind that if someone with bipolar can manipulate you, they can manipulate their therapist. If you don't have an excellent therapist who is able to understand and see through this manipulation, you may have to try a few different therapists to find one who is able to spot the signs in your loved one.

When my son attended elementary school, the school psychologist wanted to label my son ADHD (my son would have outburst in class and had a hard time with following directions, staying on task, getting in others' personal space, talking and such. I thought that the school psychologist was a ding-dong. I have two cousins who are ADHD and had to baby-sit them. My son was nothing like that, he was sometimes worse.
So I took my son to the doctor's office where I had him evaluated. The doctor agreed that my son was suffering from something, but certainly not ADHD, and recommended a therapist.

The first therapist asked my son to communicate his feelings with drawings and puppets. My son liked to go there to play and wasn't answering the questions honestly, and when I tried to clarify some of the answers, he told me to let the child speak for himself. When I tried to explain that my son wasn't telling the entire truth, the therapist wasn't interested in my input.

Needless to say I wasn't going to play reindeer games. I wanted to find out why my son was acting out, throwing tantrums at home and school, having anger fits, and staying up all night. I was starting to get dark circles and at this point and felt that after 10 years I was entitled to get some sleep. Wasn't sleep deprivation when you had toddlers and infants?

When I found a therapist through word of mouth, I made sure he could help me and made sure to ask a lot of questions. Since we didn't know exactly what was wrong with my son yet, we had to do a lot of fact finding to make sure it wasn't just his adolescent way of being defiant. After about six months of therapy and questions, the therapist referred me to a child psychiatrist.

My son and I went through a lot of the same questions, but this time when my son said 'no' to certain questions and would conflict with my answers, the psychiatrist would separate us to hear both sides of the story, with my son going first, then myself. The psychiatrist then brought us back together in a room to discuss his diagnosis. He felt that my son was suffering from early onset bipolar and put him on low dose meds to start out with.

The therapy manipulation began almost immediately, with my son very upset that I told the doctor and the therapist private information, so he tried at times to make me look like the bad guy. I took notes at every therapy session of the behaviors my son exhibited and the responses he gave when I tried to redirect him. What also helped was having my friends attend a few sessions, because my son had a hard time lying in front of them, saying that that he did not do this or that or it was my fault for this or that happening.

The therapist also reminded my son that his behaviors were his responsibility, and that I was not the cause of any of his irrational behaviors. He would remind my son that to a great extent his actions and reactions were his own decision and in his control. This particular exercise took four years to accomplish. With the right therapist and support team, you can accomplish many things with your loved one. Sometimes it will take a sergeant, a captain and a platoon to get things right and put together.

Patience is one key, asking the right questions and getting a good therapist is a start. Knowing the difference between manipulation and an episode can save a lot of hurt and frustration. Keep a diary, journal, video tape, tape record, do whatever it takes because in the end it will help prevent quite a few tears and hard work.

About The Author

Stacey Adams supports her mother and child, both of whom have bipolar disorder. Stacey is a contributing writer for www.BipolarCentral.com.

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