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Lies My Husband Told Me

While my husband and I were living in Kentucky, one of his episodes occurred while working at a restaurant/ bar. He called me and said he was going to be late because the manager wanted him to work a double shift. At the time I didn't think it was a big deal - in fact, his working a double shift would be overtime that we really needed. For the next few weeks, the same thing happened on several occasions and I was thankful that he was making the extra money.

When it came time to pay bills I was counting on his check, which should have had ten hours of overtime. My small check only would cover a few of the smaller bills (I babysat for the neighbors and had a part time job at the local grocery store and was going to school for cosmetology). I waited for him that night, knowing when he was supposed to be home, and I was getting worried when he didn't show up. When I finally called his place of employment, they told me he had been let go three weeks earlier. I was shocked. I explained I was his wife and wanted to know why. His manager said that Mike had taken his anger out on one of the customers and was acting belligerent and was let go. Obviously, my husband had a lot of explaining to do.

Four hours went by and I worried further, many things were running threw my mind; I was scared maybe something had happened to him. I finally fell asleep when exhaustion took over, and work up the next morning to discover that my husband still had not shown up. I couldn't understand where the hell he was or if he was ok. I had to go to work. I didn't know very many people, and the ones I did know didn't know where Mike was. When I got off work I walked home (he had the car) and still no sign of him. Now I was very worried, so I called every hospital within fifty miles, but they had no record of anyone by that name. So I thought well maybe he went into a rage and the police picked him up. I called the police department that I knew about and they weren't holding anyone by that name, but they would call around for me, saying that he might have been picked up in the next county.

I soon got a call back - Mike had been picked up in the next county and was in jail. When I asked him why he hadn't called me, he replied that he "didn't want to upset me." (If he only knew how upset I was, he wouldn't have used that line.) When I asked him why he was in jail, he said he had been speeding and there had been a beer can in the back seat. Since he still had an out-of-town license, they sent him to jail. This didn't sound right to me, because although it was a dry county, they didn't routinely hall people to jail for speeding with an empty beer can in their cars. I asked him how long he was going to be in jail and he said until Monday. I wanted to know where the car was so that I could at least get around, but unfortunately it was impounded.

I had enough money to either get the car out of impound or post bail for my husband.
In retrospect, I should have gone with the car, but I didn't. I went to the bail bondsman and had Mike released, although $500 seemed like a lot for the charges he claimed he was in jail for. When I picked him up, Mike quickly stuffed the papers in his pocket so that I couldn't see them. Later that night when he fell asleep that night, I searched his pockets only to discover that I should have only bailed the car out.

The attorney that was appointed to represent Mike on the day of arraignment said that he would have to place a plea, and Mike refused to plead guilty. Mike said "innocent" to the judge. When we left the court room, the lawyer explained to Mike that he should have pled guilty. Mike swore up and down to this lawyer he never made obscene phone call to this lady and she was making it up because she hated him. (Mind you this lady did not know my husband, or anything about him other than that he would call her late at night and speak sexual obscenities to her. Mike always waited until I was asleep, so I had no idea he was doing this at the time), so the lawyer took him at his word.

I had to tell the lawyer in private that my husband was bipolar and the judge said that it wasn't going to help his case much, only thing that would was if they pulled the phone record and if they didn't have anything on tape. At this point I am trying not to freak out and I'm trying to give my husband the benefit of the doubt but having a very hard time. We started yelling at one another. Mike told me he didn't make any of those calls and that this woman was lying.

I wanted so much to believe him, but three days later the lawyer called and told me that Mike was most definitely guilty - the calls were placed from our phone and that this woman's husband placed a trace on the line to find out who was terrorizing his wife. Most of these calls according to the phone records, were placed when Mike was fired. I was very disappointed and upset at this point.

I kept thinking, "Why did he have to call this woman and harass her? Why did he lie about it?"

Plus this also meant I was going to be stuck in Kentucky by myself for at least a year while he is in jail. This lie of his really was angering me. I called my family, and told them that with my next check I am taking the first bus back home, which would be in about one week. I made arrangements to stay with my grandma until I could find a job. The people I babysat for understood (they were my only close friends at the time.) So instead of leaving my husband without telling him why, I let him know that soon I was catching the first bus home and that he would have to deal with the consequences. Mike was mad, saying I wasn't being understanding and that this woman was out to get him. She was the one stalking and harassing him! I explained to him that the phone record doesn't lie. Of course he had an elaborate explanation of how it could not have possibly been him.

I wasn't changing my mind - I was leaving to go home. He then said he would kill himself if I left and that it would be my fault for not supporting him. At this point I felt guilty - still very, very angry, but I didn't want him to be irrational about the whole ordeal. I called the lawyer and asked if there was any way in this case that he could bring to the judge that my husband was bipolar and during episodes he tends to do irrational things and had been hospitalized for his past behaviors. The lawyer said he could, but Mike would have to plead guilty to a lesser charge, and he would need to have his medical records as well as a list of all his current and previous meds (which he had not been taking for six months and I informed the lawyer of such.) After the lawyer had reviewed the information the lawyer informed me that my husband would probably be facing a fine, jail or community service and would have to attend counseling sessions and be reevaluated. Which was fine with me I was 3 months pregnant at the time and hoped Mike would go along with the plan.

I felt that the lawyer had found a very good compromise solution that we should work with, but not Mike, he still wasn't happy. He didn't want everyone thinking he had a mental illness and felt it would make him look bad. I tried to explain to him that he already looked bad and in the process he had made a fool of me. The hearing was set for two weeks out. I felt I should stay, not because I felt guilty, but because I felt bad he put this poor woman through a scary ordeal, and there wasn't any way I could apologize for his behavior, not that it was my responsibility, but it would have made me feel better. Bipolar sufferers do have a way of making you feel it was your fault for their problems.

When we had the hearing, my husband did plead guilty, and the judge was less than pleased with what had transpired; however, he gave him a $500.00 fine and ordered him to return to therapy and medication and added 10 hours of community service and the cost of the trace that had to be placed on the line. I was relieved that the judge didn't add more, but Mike was belligerent and thought it was "crap," and he yelled about how he wouldn't be able to get that kind of money in 30 days. We argued and the only thing that came out of that day was more grief, with Mike storming out and not returning for two days. I was afraid of what he might be doing, but I had to push it out of my mind. When he returned he looked bad - dark circles, bruises and covered in mud. I didn't want to hear the lie he was about to tell, but he said he went to a farm not to far to get a job picking tobacco, and that he made enough money for a bus ticket home. I didn't believe him, but I wanted to go home. The sad thing was, he never paid his $500 fine. The other thing was he didn't have a job - he had broken into a house four miles away and sold what he stole and kept what money he found. Not much later, he was arrested again in Nebraska and the cycle started again.

About The Author

Stacey Adams supports her mother and child, both of whom have bipolar disorder. Stacey is a contributing writer for www.BipolarCentral.com.

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