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Helping Your Support People Help You

When Barbara Streisand sang the lyrics, "People who need people are the luckiest people in the world," there is no doubt whether she was talking about people with bipolar disorder or not. Ok, so we're not the luckiest people in the world. But we do still need people to support us if we are to have any quality of recovery, quality of life; if we are to achieve any long-term stability at all. Yes, of course, medication is essential, but in and of itself, it will not give us what we really need. What we really need can only come from people and the support they can give us.

A solid support system is a vital component of bipolar disorder recovery. Although each person with bipolar disorder will have a different support system tailored to the individual and his/her needs, there will be some common elements.

Each support system should include a regular doctor (general practitioner, D.O., family doctor, primary care physician, etc.), since you will likely have medical conditions in addition to and/or related to your bipolar disorder, such as low thyroid or high blood pressure. In addition, some medications for bipolar disorder require close monitoring of liver function, blood sugar (for diabetes), lithium and depakote levels, etc.

Each support system should also include a psychiatrist, who will see you on a regular basis to monitor your bipolar disorder and the medication for it, and dispense your prescriptions. You should also be seeing a therapist, counselor, or other such mental health professional trained in the area of bipolar disorder, who will help you with psychological issues related to bipolar disorder, such as work, interpersonal relationships and other personal problems.

Family members, of course, are an integral part of your support system. Church members may be included as well, especially if you consider them as "extended family." Friends are also an important part of your support system. Other examples of support system people might include fellow support group members, on-line people, your pharmacist, nurse practitioner, bank personnel, co-workers, etc.

The degrees to which each support person helps will vary, as well as how close (emotionally) they are to you. Once people have offered their help, however, it is up to you to let them know specifically how they can help you, and to be willing to accept their help.

Here are seven important ways you can help your support people help you:

1. Don't rely on any one person to meet all your needs.
   Relying on only one person to take you everywhere, to help with chores and finances, to listen to every detail of your problems, etc., is not fair to them or to you. It may cause them stress, lead to feelings of resentment, or put a strain on your relationship. It may also lead to feelings of guilt on your part, or concern that you
   are being a burden. However, by spreading out the help among several support
   people, each person will be able to help in the way they can help best, and no one
   person will shoulder all the responsibility. Also, by doing this, you will not
   become too dependent on any one person. Remember, you are NOT a burden to
   your support people. They really do care about you, and they really do want to
   help you.
2. Focus on how each person supports you and respect their boundaries.
   Focus on how each person supports you, and learn how they can help you best.
   Also, respect each person's boundaries. For instance, if you are still working, and your boss and co-workers know that you have bipolar disorder, their support will probably consist of knowing that you might leave a meeting suddenly, and they will not make an issue of it. However, your boss will not be your confidant. On the other hand, you may have a good friend who functions as your confidant, but cannot advise you on your work situation. Each person in your support system will help you in his/her own way.
3. Help yourself whenever you can. Be as independent as you can.
   The saying goes, "God helps those who help themselves." The same goes with your support system. You really can't expect people to help you if you aren't helping yourself. This is where your therapist will be your biggest help. He/she will help you become more independent, learn how to set and achieve reasonable goals, work out a recovery plan, work on personal issues, etc. In addition, you should be taking your own personal steps toward recovery on a daily basis. It may be slow at first, but every step counts. You will gain more independence as you grow in your recovery. Remember, YOU are the most important person in your support system. It is YOUR responsibility to take your medication every day, but there is nothing wrong with asking for help in reminding you to take it, if you need it. As you grow in recovery, you will learn how to balance independence with the willingness to let people help you where you still need help.
4. Ask for specific help from specific people.
   Once you know what people in your support system are willing to do to help you and what their boundaries are, you must ask for specific help when approaching help from them. Your support people are not mind readers. They only know what you tell them. For instance, your psychiatrist cannot know what side effects you are having from your medication unless you call and tell him/her. But if you do make that call, an adjustment can be made in your medication. Your spouse may think you are mad at him/her and respond a certain way, unless you verbally share with him/her what you are really feeling; again, remember, he/she is not a mind reader. People only know what you tell them. You must be willing to state out loud what you are thinking or feeling, and to ask for what you need. In the case of the spouse above, he may think you're angry, when all you really needed was an understanding hug for a "feeling blue" day.
5. For family member/friend you trust the most, work out an Emergency Plan
   At a time when you are not in an episode, sit down with the support person you trust the most, and work out an Emergency Plan. This should include all your emergency information, as well as what steps you want that person to take should you go into an episode and be unable to tell them what to do to help you. This should also include a list of your triggers, key word(s) you both agree upon for you to say if you feel as if you are going into an episode, and typical behaviors you will exhibit if you should go into an episode. This should include all emergency contact phone numbers and all directions for your care, including Advanced Mental Illness Directives papers, whether you are willing to be hospitalized, where you are willing to be hospitalized, what medications you are on and/or what medications you would be willing to take and which ones you wouldn't. Your Emergency Plan must be as detailed as you can make it. It must include every bit of information you would want someone to know about you and your bipolar disorder if you were unable to speak for yourself.
6. Educate your support people on bipolar disorder.
   Your mental health professionals will already know about bipolar disorder, but the rest of your support system people most likely will not. The easiest, fastest, and best way to educate your support people on bipolar disorder would be on the internet. If they have the internet, have them go to bipolarcentral.com to learn more about bipolar disorder, so they can learn, understand, and help you better. Also, if you have any books or brochures/pamphlets yourself, lend them out.
7. Be open and honest at all times with your support people.
   Embarrassment has no place in your support system. Neither does the thought that you are being a burden. Being a support person is not easy, but your support people have agreed to give you their time, effort, understanding, and support. In return, they ask for you to be open and honest at ALL times. For instance, they will expect you to take your medication religiously. Do not lie to them and tell them you have taken it when you have not. They will expect you to show up and be on time for all your scheduled appointments. They will expect you to share your feelings openly and honestly with them (if you are having a bad day, be honest about it-don't fake a good day). Do not close yourself off to the people closest to you, worrying about what they might think. These people care about you and want to see you get better. Being honest not only means not lying, but it means being honest about your feelings as well, and also telling someone when you "don't feel right," "feel off balance," or whatever expression you use to indicate when you think you may be going into an episode.

Remember, your support people are there to help you. But they cannot be expected to read your mind. You need to tell them exactly what you need from them. You need to help your support people to help you. You need to always be open and honest with them.

Above all else, you need to remember that YOU are the most important person in your support system. If you don't help yourself as much as you are able, how can you expect others to help you?

About the Author

Michele Soloway has dealt with bipolar disorder from a very young age. Her grandmother, mother, herself, and her teenage son all have the disorder. She also lost her sister to suicide because of bipolar disorder. Michele has a blog for bipolar survivors at http://bipolarsurvivor.blogspot.com, and is also a contributing writer to www.bipolarcentral.com.

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