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THE FIVE BIGGEST MISTAKES PARENTS MAKE SUPPORTING A CHILD
WITH BIPOLAR DISORDER
My son, Tyler was diagnosed with bipolar disorder at the age of 12. He is 15
now. Over the past three years I have noticed mistakes I have made as a parent
of a child with bipolar disorder. These are the biggest:
1. INCONSISTENCY IN DISCIPLINE
Every confrontation with Tyler was so emotionally draining, that after awhile it
just became easier to let things go, and "pick my fights." However, by
not being consistent in disciplining him, this led to even more confrontations,
testing of my patience, and "pushing the envelope"-even more times of
him testing the boundaries of discipline. I saw this as a power struggle, while
he saw this as my being too harsh a disciplinarian. I think had I let him have
more of a say in the "rules," as well as the consequences of breaking
the rules, there would have been more consistency, and he would have felt things
were more fair to him.
2. USING BIPOLAR AS AN EXCUSE
Too many times I used bipolar as an excuse for tolerating unacceptable behavior.
I should have taken the time to explain to Tyler the difference between
acceptable and unacceptable behavior, and good and bad choices. Again, as
mentioned above, I should have given him the opportunity to be a part of making
the rules and consequences of breaking those rules. Also, if we as parents use
bipolar as an excuse, this can lead to resentment from other children in the
family, if they see their sibling "getting away with things" just
because they have bipolar, while the other children are being disciplined for
the same behavior.
3. POOR COMMUNICATION
Children can be a little manipulative sometimes, bipolar or not, so when I saw
this trait in Tyler, I disciplined him for it and, of course, did not let him
"get his way." I held him accountable for this behavior, not realizing
that this was, in fact, one example of my own poor communication. I did not
outline clearly enough my expectations of him, yet expected him to make good
choices and practice good behavior. Yet how could he be expected to do something
he had not been taught? So I had unreasonable expectations of him, when it was
really my fault for my own poor communication. I should have been more explicit
and outlined clearly what was expected of him and what were undesirable
behaviors, such as manipulation.
4. THE MEDICATION BATTLE
Although this seems like such a small thing, it is so important. I would ask my
son if he had taken his medication, and although sometimes he would say he had,
most often I would hear, "I will, later," and if I forgot to remind
him "later," chances were he wouldn't take it. This became a big
issue. I would judge, by his behavior, that he had not taken his medication, but
it became increasingly harder to trust my judgment, as he was at the age (13-14)
when hormones were raging, and I could not distinguish between bipolar and
normal adolescent behavior. He would deny being in an episode, and claim I was
not trusting him to be responsible enough to take his own medication. It was a
lose/lose proposition. I wanted to trust him, yet I knew from the nature of the
disorder, and by having it myself, that it is too easy to become noncompliant
with your medication unless you are held accountable for taking it. I understood
how important it was for him to feel "normal," and how much he hated
taking the medication, and I didn't want to have to watch him take it, as there
was always a confrontation about it. But at least a confrontation was better
than an episode, and there was a time when I had to make sure he took it, or
else he would forget. However you have to do it, dissolve it in their food,
serve it with breakfast or with their nighttime snack, watch or not watch,
confrontation or not, you must make sure your child takes their medication.
5. MONITORING FRIENDSHIPS
This is an important point, whether your child is bipolar or not. But like the
taking of medication falls under the category of them wanting to be normal and
being trusted. Their friends are more important to them than we are. And,
confessing this myself, there were times I would sigh in relief when Tyler left
for school, thinking that at least I would get a break for a few hours from the
pressures that raising a child with bipolar can bring. Unfortunately, by not
overseeing our child's choice in friends, their friends can become a negative
influence and, before we turn around, we are faced with a greater challenge than
just the bipolar disorder. On the other hand, if we come down too hard on their
choice of friends, they will seek those friends all the more. As hard as it is,
we must seek a balance between monitoring our child's choice of friends while at
the same time trusting them to make good choices when it comes to friendships.
NOTE FROM TYLER: REGARDING YOUR CHILD'S FRIENDSHIPS:
It is true that, as a parent, you need to keep an eye on the people with whom
your child chooses to become friends. If you see that they are hanging around
people who seem suspicious to you, do not tell them directly. If you tell your
child directly not to be friends or not to hang around with this particular
person, it makes them want to be around them even more. They believe that, if
the person is interesting enough to be considered and banned by the parent, they
must be pretty cool. Banning a friend will do more bad than good. Parents need
to trust their child's judgment. Children make mistakes at times, but not all
the time, especially when it comes to whom they choose to be around. As an
alternative to banning a friend, just sit down and talk with your child. Do not
just talk to them and disregard what you have told them, share from personal
experiences if possible. Tell them how you trust them and you know they can
judge for themselves, but that you want them to know, from your experience if
possible, what to look out for, just as a precaution. If you feel that it is
needed, give your child the "say no to drugs" talk, but tell it to
them in a way that they will not feel it is artificial and being read from a
pamphlet. Finally, always remember that, though the horizon sometimes becomes
murky, there is always a light in the distance.
About the Author
Michele Soloway has dealt with bipolar disorder from a very young age. Her
grandmother, mother, herself, and her teenage son all have the
disorder. She also lost her sister to suicide because of bipolar disorder.
Michele has a blog for bipolar survivors at
http://bipolarsurvivor.blogspot.com,
and is also a contributing writer to www.bipolarcentral.com.
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