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Devastation of Bipolar Disorder
Mike McCauley was born in Mount Holly New Jersey and the youngest of four to include one brother and two sisters. When he was around three or four years old, he would go with his family on camping trips. Mike loved playing in the water although his swimming skills were not very good. While growing up, his father would take him to the ocean on occasion, which he loved dearly. Unfortunately, one cold fall afternoon the family was walking upon the shore when Mike decided he wanted to go for a swim. While his siblings were playing amongst themselves and his parents trying to find a place to have lunch, Mike wandered to the water unnoticed. One of his siblings happened to look out to sea where Mike was seen in the water. Before anyone could yell his name, he was tossed away from the shore and out further than he could swim. His father heard the screams from his children and ran desperately to the water. With his adrenaline racing, Mike's father jumped in, swimming so fast he did not even notice the stinging of the icy water. When he reached Mike, he grabbed him, trying to get him back to safety without the two of them drowning. However, by the time the two of them made it to a safe area of water where Mike could walk, his father collapsed. Trying to save his little boy, the father died of hypothermia. Sometime later, Mike's family ended up in a small town in Iowa. With his mom working as a waitress during the day, bartending at night, and trying to raise four kids, they were very poor. His sisters, age 10 and 12, were too young to baby-sit so his mother hired a neighbor girl from down the street. Working such long hours and trying to make ends meet, Mike's mother simply did not take adequate time to get to know the girl with whom she was leaving her children. Unfortunately, the girl she trusted had violated her youngest son. When Mike's mother returned home late one morning, her oldest daughter explained why she was not there to receive her payment for that night's work. Whether or not the girl was confronted is unknown, however, the oldest sibling was now put in charge of the other children. Being under tremendous pressure, the mother left home and did not return for days, leaving her children without guidance, food, or a clean environment. Mike was in kindergarten at the time when his teacher noticed he had become distant, often sitting in a corner like an abused pet, crying after doing what was asked of him. When asked why, he stated that he would not get to see his mother until the weekend. From there, child protective service came in, finding the living condition at home unlivable. With their findings, the service accused Mike's mother of child endangerment and neglect. With no other choice, the children were all placed in an orphanage with expectation of them going into foster care. After being placed in a foster home, Mike's oldest sister became pregnant. Because of this, she had to go to a shelter. A family after which her last name was changed adopted his other sister. This left Mike and his brother! Mike's brother had a close friend whose family invited him to stay but because of Mike's emotional issues from being molested earlier, they did not want him. However, after a lot of coaxing from Mike's older brother, they finally accepted and adopted him with his brother. Mike had trouble adjusting to his new family. He desperately wanted to fit in but he suffered from Bipolar Disorder along with emotional baggage, which prevented him from accepting the changes going on around him. The problem was that his new family was unaware of Mike's Bipolar. That would change when one day Mike was asked to take out the garbage, one of his normal chores. However, Mike told his parents that he was allergic to chores and that if he continued, he would have an asthma attack. Knowing that Mike was lying, they grounded him. In fact, Mike was given extra chores. In his mind, the best way to handle this situation was to sit in the middle of a busy street, hoping a car would hit him. Although he was never hit, a neighbor called the police. When they arrived, they talked Mike out of the street and into their car. This incident would be the first time Mikle was evaluated by the hospital. At that time, he was diagnosed as Bipolar and was given a treatment program and medication. The difficult part was that Mike was now a teenager getting ready to enter high school. In addition, his new family had four children of their own plus Mike and his brother. Mike's new family tried everything they could at the time but they kept hitting brick walls. While he responded to treatment for his disorder, it was almost like a drug addict who denies a problem exists and refuses to help himself. Sadly, Mike's parents ended up relinquishing their parental rights. The result was that Mike was placed in a group home. However, three years later, Mike became an emancipated minor since he refused treatment at the group home. When transferred to the halfway house in which he was to finish school and get a job, Mike again attempted to kill himself. Just one year earlier, Mike had also tried to overdose on his medications. After this suicide attempt, he was transferred to a nearby hospital but released just 24 hours later due to insurance reasons. His only option was to go back to the halfway house. I met my future husband, Mike during the summer of my senior year, in which he had told me this story. I understood a little of what he was going through having taken care of my mother, who suffers from manic depression. This man was passionate about art, poetry, music, and skate boarding. When I started beauty school, he saw me as much as possible, helping me care for my younger sister. With my parents divorced, my mother's boyfriend was a long-haul truck driver. To be with him and keep him company, my mom would go on trips with him and be gone quite often. One evening, we were talking about parents and after his story of loosing his father, I brought up that I did not remember mine since my parents had divorced when I was around two or three. My mom described my father as a promiscuous minister that did not care about his family. Later I found he cared for both my sister and I, but he didn't want us to be emotionally disturbed by all of the arguing he and my mother did. Surprising me, Mike came over one evening when I was looking after my younger sister. He was excited and asked, "If you had a chance to see your dad again would you?" I was not sure how to respond so I asked him what he meant. Again, he asked me the same question to which I replied, "Yes I would, if it is my biological dad." I cried and squeezed him so tight that he actually turned blue. After setting things up, I finally met my dad; the sad part was that he had cancer of the lipnoids and hogkins disease. I told my mother at which time she freaked out, acting as if I had robbed a bank and killed everyone. She interrogated me as to how I found out where he lived and why I would do such a stupid thing. I told her because Mike loves me and wanted me to have a chance to know my father. On that day, my mother thought Mike was an army of roaches running off with her last piece of bread. That same day, my mother declared that I was no longer to be a part of her family at which time she kicked me out of her home. Because of her actions, Mike had an episode with the Bipolar that resulted in a two-day hospital stay. Since we worked together, I made excuses for his absence not knowing why he was missing work. My biological father came to the beauty school where I was studying to tell me that Mike had been hospitalized and that he had seen Mike at the hospital. My father had been going to the same hospital as Mike for his chemotherapy sessions. In addition, my father counseled some of the teenagers that had emotional problems. For two months after Mike came home from the hospital, I continued attending beauty school for two months. Being grateful that Mike had found my father for me, my father turned the favor and found Mike's mother for him. He and his mother had been separated since he was adopted and this was very important to Mike. At that time, we were having difficulties with living arrangements. Mike had proposed to me in late summer and now, we desperately needed to get back our feet. Therefore, we decided to move to Kentucky even though I was a month shy of graduating from cosmetology school. After our move to Kentucky, our plans of having my biological father perform our wedding ceremony were devastating. The cancer raging in my father's body had finally taken their toll, killing him on our front lawn. The situation was devastating since Mike had considered my father to be his own. After learning the horrible news, Mike again was gone without a trace for two days. I was overcome with grief and hoped he would come back. Eventually, Mike showed up but not before calling his mother who had found me at a music shop drowning in despair. His mother told me that Mike had gone to the hospital because he was upset and felt it was his fault that that my dad had died. However, through a few counseling sessions and groups, Mike came to realize that my father's destiny was not in his control. We were married in a small church in Kentucky. His mother, my step-dad, older sister, and new nephew attended the wedding. Although we invited his brother and foster parents, they never responded nor did they show. A few months later after being married, I became pregnant. While we were both happy, it was also a very stressful time for Mike. At this time, his only job was as a waiter and the money earned was not enough to support a new baby. Mike was excited but what horror to find out that your wife is pregnant and you have nothing or your sanity. After running into a few problems with the law, I wanted to go to back to my hometown. When we finally made the move, I was close to five months pregnant. The only place Mike could live was with my grandparents. My grandpa had emphysema and grandma was his caretaker. Even so, she graciously took us in. The agreement for us to live there was for Mike to get a job, which he did. In fact, he had several. Just at seven months pregnant on the Fourth of July, I ended up going into emergency surgery for my appendix, it was about to rupture, I thought I was having contractions. Mike was in a fury, he was lost, confused, and did what he knew best, attempting to commit suicide. In Mike's mind, if his wife and child were going to die then so would he. Again, he was admitted into the hospital. While I was at the hospital recovering from my surgery, I was unaware of anything happening for three days due to the medication they had me on. When I finally regained consciousness, I asked for him to which my grandma responded that he would be to see me soon. Once released from the hospital, Mike seemed very happy, and excited for the baby's arrival, though he knew it would not be for a couple of months. During this time he was able to find work as lot attendant at a local dealership. He did make a few friends during the 6 weeks he was there, which helped out mikes confidence, but as I neared the end of pregnancy and was actually this time having contractions, Mike became nervous, emotional, and would disappear for a few hours, the ones in which it was important for me to get a hold of him due to the fact I was in labor. My grandma took me up to the hospital and helped me get signed in. Still no word from Mike, I started to panic, he was my lamas partner. We he finally showed up he immediately was taken to the surgical area I was in, I had to have an emergency cesarean. I was surprised he didn't pass out, he was very helpful, he would talk to me and telling me everything would be okay. After our son was born, Mike had a hard time adjusting. He had several jobs, was arrested three times for different violations, and I ended up having to move back with my mother. I did not want to because I love my husband, but he was not willing to get help. Our son whom Mike spent a year with was entitled to know and be with his father since Mike was not a threat to him. The only poor chooses Mike made had to do with our marriage. Things reached a boiling point Mike became very emotional, leaving me with the decision to file for divorce. This decision was extremely difficult since Mike was my first love and the person who had reached out to find my father. Without him, I would never have known who helped bring me into this world. Mike just did not understand that to get better, he needed to continue therapy, his medications, and to stop trying to commit suicide. After all, he would leave and be gone for days at a time and could never find a job that he found enjoyable. Mike tried to flip his car on the interstate and skateboard off a bridge but on March 31, the day he spent time with his son at the park, swinging with him, going down the slide, and playing tag would be the last time. Because of his demons, Mike thought our son would be better off without him. Mike was tired and no longer wanted his son to see him cry, hallucinate, or go into the hospital for manic behavior. No, Mike did not think his decision through and sadly, on April 1, 1992, he jumped off a 13-story window at 2:00 a.m. When he gave up his only son, he was just three years old. Mike left behind a little boy who would know a father that made bad decisions and suffered from Bipolar Disorder. However, his son would never know from personal experience just how much his father loved and adored him. Mike's son would never hear his voice again and for years, would carry around a heavy heart. About The Author Stacey Adams supports her mother and child, both of whom have bipolar disorder. Stacey is a contributing writer for www.BipolarCentral.com. Back to Article List |
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I am the ultimate perfectionist. Yes, me. I even got a fortune cookie one time that said, "You have a yearning for perfection," do you believe that?" Even Confucius knows it!
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