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Dealing with the Death of a Loved One

By Michele Soloway

Statistics indicate that up to 20% of bipolar sufferers will commit suicide. Unfortunately, this was brought home in my own life when my sister committed suicide after going off her medication and going into a manic episode.

Although grief is a natural process of human life, most of us are not prepared for it and are unable to manage it alone. At the same time, others are often unable to provide help or insight because of discomfort with the situation and the desire to avoid making things worse.

The following passage explains how some of our normal assumptions about grief may make it more difficult to deal with:

Five Assumptions That May Complicate

1. Life prepares us for loss. More is learned about loss through experience than through preparation. Living may not provide preparation for survival. Handling grief resulting from the death of a loved one is a process that takes hard work. The fortunate experience of a happy life may not have built a complete foundation for handling loss. Healing is built through perseverance, support and understanding. The bereaved need others: Find others who are empathetic.

PERSONAL NOTE: My sister's manic episode had been going on for seven months before she actually committed suicide, and we had all been saying that suicide was inevitable if she kept refusing to take her medication. However, saying it and believing it, or being prepared for it, were entirely different things. When I finally got the call telling me that she had, in fact, killed herself, I was devastated. Nothing could have ever prepared me for that.

2. Family and friends will understand. If a spouse dies children lose a parent, a sibling loses a sibling, a parent loses a child and a friend loses a friend. Only one loses a spouse. Each response is different according to the relationship. Family and friends may not be capable of understanding each other thoroughly. Consider the story of Job's grief in the Bible. Job's wife did not understand his grief. His friends did their best work the first week when they just sat and did not speak. It was when they began to share their judgments of Job and his life that they complicated Job's grief. Allowance must be made so that grief may be experienced and processed over time. The bereaved need others: Find others who are accepting.

PERSONAL NOTE: It is true that each response is different according to the relationship. I was angry at my mother because she kept crying and talking about losing her daughter. I was hurt, and expressed that hurt, telling her that at least she had another daughter, but that I only had one sister, and she was gone. Emotions run very high when a loved one dies, and you cannot assume that family and friends will understand. I am told I said things in my grief that I do not even remember saying. The most understanding friends were those who only said, "I'm sorry for your loss," and then were silent and let me cry or talk about my sister. Others who said what they thought were comforting things, in most cases, I either resented, or do not even remember what they said. Especially when they said they knew how I felt. I remember thinking, "No one on earth knows how I feel." Or when they said, "It'll get better over time," or that "Time heals all wounds," or other platitudes like that. I know they meant well, but I remember thinking that I didn't want time to heal me. I was afraid that time would steal my memories of my sister, would fade my images of her, and I didn't want that to happen.

3. The bereaved should be finished with their grief within one year or something is wrong. During the first year the bereaved will experience one of everything for the first time alone: anniversaries, birthdays, occasions, etc. Therefore grief will last for at least one year. The cliché, "the healing hands of time," does not go far enough to explain what must take place. The key to handling grief is in what work is done over time. It takes time and work to decide what to do and where to go with the new and changed life that is left behind. The bereaved need others: Find others who are patient.

PERSONAL NOTE: No one can set a time limit on grief. Everyone experiences grief differently, in different ways, and in different time frames. It's not just the special days that make me think of my sister, but the everyday things as well-that certain song, that small thing that will jar a memory…at first everything reminded me of her. In the department store, everything I saw that had the word "sister" on it, every greeting card, would cause me to burst into tears…and yes, that did get better over time-at least the bursting into tears part. But the memory jogging part, that has remained. I am not sure that grief ever does "finish." At least not in a beginning and an ending sort of way. Grief is personal to each one who experiences it. There are no set rules.

4. Along with the end of grief's pain comes the end of the memories. At times, the bereaved may embrace the pain of grief believing it is all they have left. The lingering close bond to the deceased is sometimes thought to maintain the memories while, in fact, just the opposite is true. In learning to let go and live a new and changed life memories tend to come back more clearly. Growth and healing comes in learning to enjoy memories. The bereaved need others: Find new friends and interests.

PERSONAL NOTE: When my sister first died, I attended a support group for Survivors of Suicide, for the loved ones, those left behind. My pain was fresh, the wound still gaping, the tears still running like a faucet. I was not sure I could ever go on without my sister-- whom I called the "twin of my heart"-- to ever have a "normal" life again without her. I shared this with the group that night. I was told that although things would never be normal for me again in the same way, I would eventually find a "new normal," where I would heal and grow, and be able to go on with my life…where the pain would lessen, and the memories would be enjoyable.

5. The bereaved should grieve alone. After the funeral service is over the bereaved may find themselves alone. They may feel as though they are going crazy, painfully uncertain in their world of thoughts and emotions. The bereaved begin to feel normal again when the experience is shared with others who have lost a loved one. Then, in reaching out, the focus of life becomes forward. The bereaved need others: Find others who are experienced.

PERSONAL NOTE: Whether it was actually true or not, I felt as if my friends "deserted" me when my sister died. I thought it was because I was such a "downer," or so difficult to be around in my grief. I wanted to talk about her, to share my memories, to share my grief. I began to isolate. I felt as if my own life was on hold. I had no one to talk to. I did feel as if I was going crazy without her, as if there was no one in the world who could understand. I sought out the Survivors of Suicide support group, as they were themselves loved ones of suicide victims, and there I was able to grieve in safety. It was there where I found comfort and solace and understanding. These people knew what I was going through. They had been there themselves. They had lost someone dear to them. They had grieved that loss, and yet had found a way to go on with their lives. They had learned how to find a "new normal." And they could teach me how to do that, too-to get to the place where the pain would lessen and the memories of my sister would be enjoyable.

Reference: Jack Redden, CCE, M.A., President; John Redden, M.S., Vice President, Cemetery-Mortuary Consultants Inc., Memphis, Tennessee

About the Author

Michele Soloway has dealt with bipolar disorder from a very young age. Her grandmother, mother, herself, and her teenage son all have the disorder. She also lost her sister to suicide because of bipolar disorder. Michele has a blog for bipolar survivors at http://bipolarsurvivor.blogspot.com, and is also a contributing writer to www.bipolarcentral.com.

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