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Considering A Child In A Family With Bipolar Disorder
If you and your spouse are considering having children and either of you have
bipolar disorder, you should seriously consider all of the ramifications of
raising a child when one or both parents is bipolar. In addition, the risk of
having a child who is bipolar is greater when a parent is bipolar or there is a
family history of bipolar disorder.
Below are several things to keep in mind when considering having children in
a bipolar relationship:
- Checking the family history is very important. You need to check on both
sides.
- Some traits that you will need to consider are drug or alcohol
addiction. Find out if there were any family members that had this
condition.
- Just like finding out if there is diabetics in the family, you need to
know if anyone suffered from depression, manic-depression (the previous
term for bipolar disorder), and post-partum depression, or complications
of pregnancy which can include pre-eclampsia, toxemia, a c-section, edema,
the baby being born with yellow jaundice are just some of the examples
- The reason the above is necessary is because if you plan to start a
family you need to weigh the risks. The more prevalent these are in the
family history, the more genetically predisposed your child will be to
these conditions.
- Risks of spouse with bipolar and starting a family
- Episodes can occur at any time, and you need to make sure you can
handle the cycles. If you think you can, have a plan in place or at
least an idea of what procedures to take. I found out that episodes can
happen even in infancy but can be masked as colic. They can also happen
in toddlers who have tantrums and refuse sleep during bipolar episodes.
In any case, you will need to report these to the doctor.
- You are pregnant and your husband is bipolar - how well is he going to
handle the stresses that occur along the way? (Such as morning sickness,
mood swings, and body changes?)
- Will this person be emotionally available to you and your child?
- Will the bipolar spouse be able to handle the infant's crying? (My
husband couldn't, and he would leave the house because it was too
annoying to him.) Can the bipolar spouse handle the baby being sick,
loud, and the feedings that come along with a new baby?
- Would you trust leaving your spouse who has bipolar alone with your
new infant? (Not that they would intentionally do harm, but during
episodes it can and does happen.) You might want to consider hooking up
a monitoring system where there are video records in which you can
monitor your spouse, and if you see them becoming distressed you can
relieve them for a time out.
- Are you willing to educate yourself on the illness so you can prepare
in case the illness is passed on to your children?
- Put a plan in place in case your loved one is hospitalized for an
episode. (If the child is old enough to see that mom or dad went
somewhere, you have to be very careful as to how you explain this to
your child. (I would use the phrase to my son, "Daddy doesn't feel
well right now, he will be fine. He just needs a small retreat."
Never go into too much detail because that can scare the child. Remember
at some point when the child is older you might have to place them in
the hospital, and if so you will need to communicate to your child
clearly that the reason you are doing so is because of your
unconditional love for them and that you want to make sure they stay
healthy. Have a friend or family member that can help you emotionally
when you need a plan. (Sometimes doctors aren't available right way for
the condition your spouse may be displaying, and it can be alarming to
the child to witness, so it is best to have a back-up person in case you
and your child need to sleep away from the situation.)
- If you are going to place your child in day care, check to make sure
what their policies are on discipline and if they can give you a daily
report card. It is important to monitor your child to make sure he/she
is not showing signs of early, childhood onset bipolar. (Which can be
confused with ADHD). You will also need support if your child needs to
be hospitalized, as this will be an extremely emotional experience and
you might experience feelings of guilt or failure. There are family
advocates that can help you with this.
- If you are a mother who suffers from bipolar, then you will need to
make sure you have emotional support from friends, family and such to
help care for the baby once he/she is born. First-time motherhood can be
traumatic and overwhelming and you will need someone to help you
through. It is recommended that during the first week you should have
help so that you can rest; if you are allowed sufficient sleep, post
partum depression decreases significantly.
- Continuing Family Therapy.
- It is best if you are already in therapy to continue indefinitely. I
say this from experience; because I believe that had my husband stayed
in therapy there would have been less episodes and better communication.
He would rapid cycle and would leave for days, but had we continued with
his therapist it would have been helpful to our relationship.
- Meds are important and you need to make sure that their therapist
knows if they are taking their meds or if they are self-medicating.
(Having someone other than yourself be the "bad guy" helps as
well. This way, you are not the only one who sounds like a broken record
if they need to be questioned or reminded about their medications.)
Watch the person for addictive behavior, self-medicating can occur, and
is dangerous.
- Hope for the best, but expect nothing.
- My husband was bipolar and discontinued all his meds and sessions and
continued having many episodes. I loved him very much, but one tip I
cannot stress enough is that sometimes the best thing you can do is walk
away. You cannot change who they are or make them see reason, take meds
or see therapists. When it gets to be too much and you have taken all
you can, know that you have not failed. Sometimes letting go is all you
can do to keep sane. You are not perfect and mistakes and "what
if's" can occur - don't second guess or blame yourself
- Also understand that by letting go there can be unfortunate
consequences that are beyond your control and you will have to accept
that no matter what happens, you did not cause the incident to occur.
You cannot control the actions of others, and those actions are not your
fault. The reason I tell you this is because after four years of
marriage and giving my all and having a baby, I had enough; I wanted our
son to have a good childhood full of fond memories and laughter.
Unfortunately, my husband killed himself during a manic episode and
jumped out of a 13 story building downtown on April Fool's Day when our
son was just three. I have faced being a single mother of a bipolar
child and know first-hand you need to weight these risks. I am not
saying that if you or your spouse has bipolar that you shouldn't have
children - I am telling you to understand what you are facing and
honestly decide if you are strong enough to handle it. I love my son and
would never trade him for anything or anyone, but it has been a long,
difficult journey. I continue to fight for my son and educate myself to
make our relationship better. There are times it is exhausting and I
want to cry, but my goal is have him be a functioning, happy, healthy
adult, which is my dream.
In the end, if you choose to have children, love them, respect them, and if
they develop bipolar, help educate those around you so you can have a
functioning and healthy family life like you have always dreamed of. Nothing in
life is easy, especially marriage and raising a family.
About The Author
Stacey Adams supports her mother and child, both of whom have bipolar
disorder. Stacey is a contributing writer for www.BipolarCentral.com.
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If you are in a crisis please call:
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1-800-273-TALK (8255) |
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